(24083,5696,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"4f93573\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c6b7a6\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6980e83\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Jeremy and Min have been together for 7 years and have 2 young children. When he returns home from work, Jeremy always does chores for 2 or 3 hours. He feels that Min doesn\\u2019t see the vast array of tasks that they need to do to keep the household running smoothly.<\\/p><p>He feels overwhelmed and can\\u2019t understand why Min never seems bothered by this. He can\\u2019t believe she can live with so much mess and chaos. It does his head in, and he becomes most critical when Min sits on the sofa flicking through her phone when the kids are in bed.<\\/p><p>He tells himself that it\\u2019s like having a third child. Sometimes he\\u2019s surprised by his anger, and he\\u2019s concerned how much it is seeping into other areas of their relationship.<\\/p><p>I\\u2019ve seen a gazillion couples where a partner complains, comments, and often becomes critical when their partner doesn\\u2019t live up to their expectations. They\\u2019re often shocked by their partner\\u2019s inability to tidy, clean, or parent in a way that seems \\u2018obvious\\u2019 to them. They end up exasperated and frustrated with them.<\\/p><p>The problem is that it doesn\\u2019t stop with exasperation and frustration. Overtime, they start to see their partner as a child who can\\u2019t operate properly in the adult world. When partners view their partner this way, they often start to treat them as a child in other areas, not trusting their adult capacities.<\\/p><p>This is extremely unattractive and unpleasant for both partners. These relationships typically become highly conflictual as no partner wants to continuously be sent to the doghouse. They\\u2019ll often ark up when criticised or corrected or experience their partner\\u2019s attempts to control them. This may take the form of becoming verbally defensive, justifying behaviours, being secretive, or retreating into a world of their own where their partner can\\u2019t reach them \\u2013 into themselves.<\\/p><p>We all experience the world differently as we have different minds, and this plays out in our day to day lives\\u00a0<span style=\\\"color: inherit; font-family: inherit; font-weight: inherit; letter-spacing: 0px;\\\">at home within our relationships. Couples with parent-child dynamics, like Jeremy and Min, have difficulty navigating the massive gap between their expectations and priorities.\\u00a0\\u00a0<\\/span><\\/p><p>For example, Min has spent all day attending to the needs of the kids. She\\u2019s fed them in a timely manner, attended to their nappies and scrapes, she\\u2019s played music and dress ups. She\\u2019s read them books and attended to their tears. She understands Jeremy wants a more organised home, but her priority is to have healthy happy children.<\\/p><p>Min focuses on them solely until they go to bed, by which time she is completely spent and needs some downtime to just be quiet and in her own mind. She knows she\\u2019s doing a pretty good job. She feels she\\u2019s earned some time to put her feet up and have some time to herself.<\\/p><p>As you can see, from their own perspectives, they\\u2019re both right. The house needs more attention and Min deserves to put her feet up. But Min and Jeremy need to be careful, because remaining in self-righteous positions whilst not finding a solution will only entrench negative mindsets about each other.<\\/p><p>Jeremy will repeatedly try to push Min into the doghouse telling himself, and her, that she is self-centred and only cares about the kids. She will entrench her version elaborating how controlling, aggressive, and horrible Jeremy is. Where their narratives go, the behaviour will follow.<\\/p><p>What they need is a way of moving this situation from either\\/or - Jeremy\\u2019s way or Min\\u2019s way \\u2013 They need to find a new position where both positions are kept in mind. This is an \\u2018and position\\u2019 so they don\\u2019t cancel each other out.<\\/p><p>They may decide to get some outside assistance with the household or with the children. Jeremy may come home earlier from work one day a week to relieve Min so she can organise things with more energy.<\\/p><p>Couples need to keep an \\u2018and position\\u2019 and keep binary positions (like either\\/or) at bay.<\\/p><p>A co-parenting relationship is one where parents think together about the child\\u2019s wellbeing and make joint decisions that support the child\\u2019s emotional, physical, and practical needs. A co-parenting relationship is not about your ex-partner \\u2013 it\\u2019s about putting your child\\u2019s best interests first and loving them above your own hurt, sadness or resentment. 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This is a question that I believe has two main areas to address.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"2ea4feb\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b16d327\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":17.80799999999999982946974341757595539093017578125},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"08606a5\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/1.png\",\"id\":3747,\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"43dbbe5\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":82.1919999999999930651028989814221858978271484375},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"ee765cc\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Fear of uncertainty in life\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"15\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"15f4145\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"403ce82\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":17.80799999999999982946974341757595539093017578125},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"5f6c541\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/1.png\",\"id\":3747,\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"45e60cb\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":82.1919999999999930651028989814221858978271484375},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"73b8d4d\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Fear of uncertainty in life\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"15\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"02a0c21\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a593fe9\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":17.67099999999999937472239253111183643341064453125},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"18309b2\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":82.3289999999999935198502498678863048553466796875},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8876185\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>I believe this question about a fear of the future in relationships speaks to the reality that we all live with uncertainty about life in general.<\\/p><p>We live with a lack of certainty about the future which will potentially undermine all aspects of the life we want. We try to manage many areas of life to increase our experience of stability, such as health, finances, where and how we live, and our relationships. But there is still so much we can\\u2019t be sure of as our lives still have an instability and fragility that can quickly undermine the illusion of a stable future.<\\/p><p>This fear of the future in relationships is heightened by the fact that we also can\\u2019t control other human beings. We certainly can\\u2019t control our partner, even though many try.<\\/p><p>As a couple, we may point our compass in a similar direction, however we can never be sure that both partners remain on that journey into the future. We simply can\\u2019t foresee the future for our relationships, and this can create fear for the future embedding an element of risk in relationships. For example, a partner may:<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"},{\"id\":\"7a3290a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"Decide they want to move overseas\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"0136642\"},{\"text\":\"Join the army reserves\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"1d16737\"},{\"text\":\"Have an emotional and\\/or sexual affair \",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"7202e5b\"},{\"text\":\"Want an open relationship\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"bb1d099\"},{\"text\":\"Decide they really want children after all or don\\u2019t want children after all\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"0c3bc63\"},{\"text\":\"Have a sudden medical condition\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"81ed5dc\"},{\"text\":\"Develop beyond their partner and feel unsatisfied in the relationship\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"d38fa72\"},{\"text\":\"Leave the relationship\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"0bd04ca\"},{\"text\":\"Die \\u2013 suicide, accident, or physical illness\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"27acc7f\"},{\"text\":\"Lose a job or walk away from one\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"3d70306\"},{\"text\":\"Develop chronic depression\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"2d87503\"},{\"text\":\"Struggle to recover from a bereavement\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"d215061\"}],\"icon_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"},{\"id\":\"ab59ece\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"space\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":15,\"sizes\":[]}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"spacer\"},{\"id\":\"7b8feb6\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>And if any of these factors occur, then partners need to deal with it. We can\\u2019t focus on warding off every possibility in life. Two of my best suggestions are:<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"},{\"id\":\"f91bf1a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"view\":\"inline\",\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"Look into mindfulness as it promotes working with reality (not self-created stories) and keeps you in the present.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"0136642\"},{\"text\":\"See if the areas you worry about can be avoided, for example if it\\u2019s health issues then work on making some lifestyle changes. 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We try to manage many areas of life to increase our experience of stability, such as health, finances, where and how we live, and our relationships. But there is still so much we can\\u2019t be sure of as our lives still have an instability and fragility that can quickly undermine the illusion of a stable future.<\\/p><p>This fear of the future in relationships is heightened by the fact that we also can\\u2019t control other human beings. We certainly can\\u2019t control our partner, even though many try.<\\/p><p>As a couple, we may point our compass in a similar direction, however we can never be sure that both partners remain on that journey into the future. We simply can\\u2019t foresee the future for our relationships, and this can create fear for the future embedding an element of risk in relationships. For example, a partner may:<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"},{\"id\":\"7a3290a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"Decide they want to move overseas\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"0136642\"},{\"text\":\"Join the army reserves\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"1d16737\"},{\"text\":\"Have an emotional and\\/or sexual affair \",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"7202e5b\"},{\"text\":\"Want an open relationship\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"bb1d099\"},{\"text\":\"Decide they really want children after all or don\\u2019t want children after all\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"0c3bc63\"},{\"text\":\"Have a sudden medical condition\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"81ed5dc\"},{\"text\":\"Develop beyond their partner and feel unsatisfied in the relationship\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"d38fa72\"},{\"text\":\"Leave the relationship\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"0bd04ca\"},{\"text\":\"Die \\u2013 suicide, accident, or physical illness\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"27acc7f\"},{\"text\":\"Lose a job or walk away from one\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"3d70306\"},{\"text\":\"Develop chronic depression\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"2d87503\"},{\"text\":\"Struggle to recover from a bereavement\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"d215061\"}],\"icon_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"},{\"id\":\"ab59ece\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"space\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":15,\"sizes\":[]}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"spacer\"},{\"id\":\"7b8feb6\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>And if any of these factors occur, then partners need to deal with it. 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This is a question that I believe has two main areas to address.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"2ea4feb\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b16d327\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":17.80799999999999982946974341757595539093017578125},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"08606a5\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/1.png\",\"id\":3747,\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"43dbbe5\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":82.1919999999999930651028989814221858978271484375},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"ee765cc\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Fear of uncertainty in life\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"15\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"02a0c21\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a593fe9\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":17.67099999999999937472239253111183643341064453125},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"18309b2\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":82.3289999999999935198502498678863048553466796875},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8876185\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>I believe this question about a fear of the future in relationships speaks to the reality that we all live with uncertainty about life in general.<\\/p><p>We live with a lack of certainty about the future which will potentially undermine all aspects of the life we want. We try to manage many areas of life to increase our experience of stability, such as health, finances, where and how we live, and our relationships. But there is still so much we can\\u2019t be sure of as our lives still have an instability and fragility that can quickly undermine the illusion of a stable future.<\\/p><p>This fear of the future in relationships is heightened by the fact that we also can\\u2019t control other human beings. We certainly can\\u2019t control our partner, even though many try.<\\/p><p>As a couple, we may point our compass in a similar direction, however we can never be sure that both partners remain on that journey into the future. We simply can\\u2019t foresee the future for our relationships, and this can create fear for the future embedding an element of risk in relationships. For example, a partner may:<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"},{\"id\":\"7a3290a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"Decide they want to move overseas\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"0136642\"},{\"text\":\"Join the army reserves\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"1d16737\"},{\"text\":\"Have an emotional and\\/or sexual affair \",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"7202e5b\"},{\"text\":\"Want an open relationship\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"bb1d099\"},{\"text\":\"Decide they really want children after all or don\\u2019t want children after all\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"0c3bc63\"},{\"text\":\"Have a sudden medical condition\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"81ed5dc\"},{\"text\":\"Develop beyond their partner and feel unsatisfied in the relationship\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"d38fa72\"},{\"text\":\"Leave the relationship\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"0bd04ca\"},{\"text\":\"Die \\u2013 suicide, accident, or physical illness\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"27acc7f\"},{\"text\":\"Lose a job or walk away from one\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"3d70306\"},{\"text\":\"Develop chronic depression\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"2d87503\"},{\"text\":\"Struggle to recover from a bereavement\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"d215061\"}],\"icon_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"},{\"id\":\"ab59ece\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"space\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":15,\"sizes\":[]}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"spacer\"},{\"id\":\"7b8feb6\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>And if any of these factors occur, then partners need to deal with it. We can\\u2019t focus on warding off every possibility in life. Two of my best suggestions are:<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"},{\"id\":\"f91bf1a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"view\":\"inline\",\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"Look into mindfulness as it promotes working with reality (not self-created stories) and keeps you in the present.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"0136642\"},{\"text\":\"See if the areas you worry about can be avoided, for example if it\\u2019s health issues then work on making some lifestyle changes. If there are mental health struggles, then get some help from a registered therapist. \",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"1d16737\"}],\"icon_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"60fb53e\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6b79118\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":16.163000000000000255795384873636066913604736328125},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"bc63d65\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/2.png\",\"id\":3748,\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"264c13d\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":83.8370000000000032969182939268648624420166015625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"f1ea550\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Fear of something in the current relationship that is projected onto the future\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"15\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"89c5ffe\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"82f0074\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":15.8879999999999999005240169935859739780426025390625},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ee88e5a\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":84.111999999999994770405464805662631988525390625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"acff246\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>I wonder if a fear of relationships in the future is actually a fear or concern being registered in the current couple experience that is being projected onto the future. Will the future work out with my partner if I feel anxious or sad about something now. For example:<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"},{\"id\":\"446aa6d\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"Do I trust my partner when we are not together?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"0136642\"},{\"text\":\"Does my partner blame or criticise me too much?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"1d16737\"},{\"text\":\"Does my partner try to control me? \",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"7202e5b\"},{\"text\":\"Is my partner too flirty with my friends? Or their friends? \",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"bb1d099\"},{\"text\":\"Is my partner a bit aggressive in their tone or manner?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"0c3bc63\"},{\"text\":\"Does my partner become too possessive of me?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"81ed5dc\"},{\"text\":\"Does my partner respect my body properly?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"d38fa72\"},{\"text\":\"Does my partner try to change me? \",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"0bd04ca\"},{\"text\":\"Do I fear my partner will leave me all the time?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"27acc7f\"},{\"text\":\"Is there an unequal power dynamic operating?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"3d70306\"},{\"text\":\"Is my partner over their ex sufficiently?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"2d87503\"},{\"text\":\"Have I lost myself in this relationship?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"d215061\"},{\"text\":\"Does my partner\\u2019s gambling, drinking, or using porn in a way that makes me uncomfortable?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"ca17895\"}],\"icon_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"},{\"id\":\"3fe42ec\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"space\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":15,\"sizes\":[]}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"spacer\"},{\"id\":\"95507b3\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Some of these examples may exist because we need to do our own internal work and understand how we <em>really<\\/em> relate to our partner. We can create our own suffering if we haven\\u2019t explored why we become clingy, angry, sulky, silent or conflictual in our relationship. We also need to explore our triggers and why we become easily spooked with our partner.<\\/p><p>We all have areas where we lack trust, safety, or security. We all need to ascertain whether we overlay these onto our partner due to our own relational history or whether it\\u2019s actually our partner rocking our couple boat, causing us to worry about the future of our couple relationship.<\\/p><p>How do you do the work and be curious about how you operate? You can:<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"},{\"id\":\"2662bc8\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"Go to therapy (individual and\\/or couples)\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"0136642\"},{\"text\":\"Do online courses to understand yourself and your relationship\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"1d16737\"},{\"text\":\"Listen to podcasts\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"7202e5b\"},{\"text\":\"Read books\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"bb1d099\"},{\"text\":\"Join forums\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas 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style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><span style=\\\"color: #c2b598;\\\">$1,497.00<\\/span><\\/span><\\/strong><\\/p><p><strong style=\\\"color: inherit; font-family: inherit; letter-spacing: 0px;\\\"><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><span style=\\\"color: #c2b598;\\\"><img class=\\\"alignnone size-full wp-image-4827\\\" src=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/5-Star-Review.png\\\" alt=\\\"\\\" width=\\\"93\\\" height=\\\"26\\\" \\/><\\/span><\\/span><\\/strong><\\/p><h3 class=\\\"vc_custom_heading h_dark\\\"><strong><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\">Fight Less, Love More \\u2013 Learn to Skilfully Communicate with your Partner &amp; Decrease Conflict<\\/span><\\/strong><\\/h3><p>\\u00a0<\\/p><p>This course has been designed to ensure that your relationship can not only survive but thrive. It will help you gain new insights into yourself and how you relate to your partner, focusing on thoughts and behaviours which can present challenges. Learning to communicate with your partner caringly, respectfully, and skilfully is essential for a happy relationship.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"7aab0b4\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"92888bf\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"097d049\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Would you like to...\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"},{\"id\":\"1212de7\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"space\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":15,\"sizes\":[]}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"spacer\"},{\"id\":\"17717cc\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"Increase respect in your relationship without having to fight for it?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"3847fb1\"},{\"text\":\"Feel deeper levels of love and connectedness without having to be in the \\u2018honeymoon\\u2019 phase?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"c42312e\"},{\"text\":\"Experience increased sexual connectedness without rejection?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"605522e\"},{\"text\":\"Increase happiness and have a peaceful home without being triggered by your partner?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"5b82135\"}],\"icon_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"},{\"id\":\"bc0028a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"space\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":15,\"sizes\":[]}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"spacer\"},{\"id\":\"d34d876\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Committed relationships are difficult. For many of us, our communication difficulties can lead to upsetting conflict. Over time, this hurts the relationship as partners often lose trust in each other and decrease their desire for emotional closeness and sexual connection. Prolonged, unresolved conflict and repeated cycles of blame can even result in the relationship ending.<\\/p><p>This course has been created to ensure that your relationship can not only survive but thrive. It will help you to understand your own relationship and develop the skills needed to improve communication so that you and your partner become happier and more connected.<\\/p><p>You will understand why couples\\u00a0<em>really<\\/em>\\u00a0fight by leading expert\\u00a0<em>Lissy Abrahams<\\/em>.\\u00a0You will be guided through strategies for ending the conflict using video content alongside a comprehensive workbook.<\\/p><p>You can work through this course either individually or with your partner. When one partner alone makes positive changes, the relationship feels lighter and more connected. When partners do this course together, they go on a journey of discovery that is life-changing and increases intimacy. All you need is to print an additional workbook if doing it together!<\\/p><h3><strong><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\">This is achieved by working through modules, which involve:<\\/span><\\/strong><\\/h3><p>\\u00a0<\\/p><ol><li>Exploring how our capacity to relate to others (our relational wiring) is shaped by our early childhood experiences.<\\/li><li>Understanding our own relational wiring and why we become reactive to certain triggers with our partner.<\\/li><li>Understanding how our relational wiring can lead to conflict and hurtful communication between partners.<\\/li><li>Understanding how our ego impacts conflict in couple relationships, and how this is linked to feeling safe or unsafe in our relationship.<\\/li><li>Developing the necessary skills to calm down during conflict or preventing it.<\\/li><li>Developing Couple Mindedness, an essential component for decreasing conflict and improving communication with our partner.<\\/li><li>Developing the skills for respectful 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\\/><\\/span><\\/span><\\/strong><\\/p><h3><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><strong style=\\\"font-family: inherit; letter-spacing: 0px;\\\">As Featured in...<\\/strong><\\/span><\\/h3><p><span style=\\\"color: #000000;\\\"><strong>The Daily Telegraph, Courier Mail, Herald Sun, Adelaide Advertiser, Toowoomba Chronicle, Northern Territory News &amp;<\\/strong>\\u00a0<strong>The Weekend Gold Coast Bulletin<\\/strong><\\/span><br \\/><br \\/><\\/p><h4><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><strong>Why do we fight most with those we love best?<\\/strong><\\/span><\\/h4><p>\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Australian relationship therapist Lissy Abrahams has spent years exploring this question, both in her treatment room helping clients and through extensive research.<\\/p><p>She knows that long-term conflict leaves us drained, anxious and worried for the emotional wellbeing of our families, but says it is neither intractable nor inevitable. 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style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><span style=\\\"color: #c2b598;\\\">$1,497.00<\\/span><\\/span><\\/strong><\\/p><p><strong style=\\\"color: inherit; font-family: inherit; letter-spacing: 0px;\\\"><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><span style=\\\"color: #c2b598;\\\"><img class=\\\"alignnone size-full wp-image-4827\\\" src=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/5-Star-Review.png\\\" alt=\\\"\\\" width=\\\"93\\\" height=\\\"26\\\" \\/><\\/span><\\/span><\\/strong><\\/p><h3 class=\\\"vc_custom_heading h_dark\\\"><strong><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\">Fight Less, Love More \\u2013 Learn to Skilfully Communicate with your Partner &amp; Decrease Conflict<\\/span><\\/strong><\\/h3><p>\\u00a0<\\/p><p>This course has been designed to ensure that your relationship can not only survive but thrive. It will help you gain new insights into yourself and how you relate to your partner, focusing on thoughts and behaviours which can present challenges. Learning to communicate with your partner caringly, respectfully, and skilfully is essential for a happy relationship.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"7aab0b4\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"92888bf\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"eb8a283\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"tabs\":[{\"_id\":\"23b6331\",\"tab_title\":\"DESCRIPTION\",\"tab_content\":\"<h3><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\">Would you like to\\u2026<\\/span><\\/h3><p><br \\/>Increase respect in your relationship\\u00a0<span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><strong>without<\\/strong><\\/span>\\u00a0having to fight for it?<br \\/>Feel deeper levels of love and connectedness\\u00a0<span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><strong>without<\\/strong><\\/span>\\u00a0having to be in the \\u2018honeymoon\\u2019 phase?<br \\/>Experience increased sexual connectedness\\u00a0<strong><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\">without<\\/span>\\u00a0<\\/strong>rejection?<br \\/>Increase happiness and have a peaceful home\\u00a0<span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><strong>without<\\/strong><\\/span>\\u00a0being triggered by your partner?<\\/p><p>Committed relationships are difficult. For many of us, our communication difficulties can lead to upsetting conflict. Over time, this hurts the relationship as partners often lose trust in each other and decrease their desire for emotional closeness and sexual connection. Prolonged, unresolved conflict and repeated cycles of blame can even result in the relationship ending.<\\/p><p>This course has been created to ensure that your relationship can not only survive but thrive. It will help you to understand your own relationship and develop the skills needed to improve communication so that you and your partner become happier and more connected.<\\/p><p>You will understand why couples\\u00a0really\\u00a0fight by leading expert\\u00a0Lissy Abrahams.\\u00a0You will be guided through strategies for ending the conflict using video content alongside a comprehensive workbook.<\\/p><p>You can work through this course either individually or with your partner. 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style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><span style=\\\"color: #c2b598;\\\">$1,497.00<\\/span><\\/span><\\/strong><\\/p><p><strong style=\\\"color: inherit; font-family: inherit; letter-spacing: 0px;\\\"><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><span style=\\\"color: #c2b598;\\\"><img class=\\\"alignnone size-full wp-image-4827\\\" src=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/5-Star-Review.png\\\" alt=\\\"\\\" width=\\\"93\\\" height=\\\"26\\\" \\/><\\/span><\\/span><\\/strong><\\/p><h3 class=\\\"vc_custom_heading h_dark\\\"><strong><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\">Fight Less, Love More \\u2013 Learn to Skilfully Communicate with your Partner &amp; Decrease Conflict<\\/span><\\/strong><\\/h3><p>\\u00a0<\\/p><p>This course has been designed to ensure that your relationship can not only survive but thrive. 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style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><span style=\\\"color: #c2b598;\\\">$1,497.00<\\/span><\\/span><\\/strong><\\/p><p><strong style=\\\"color: inherit; font-family: inherit; letter-spacing: 0px;\\\"><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><span style=\\\"color: #c2b598;\\\"><img class=\\\"alignnone size-full wp-image-4827\\\" src=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/5-Star-Review.png\\\" alt=\\\"\\\" width=\\\"93\\\" height=\\\"26\\\" \\/><\\/span><\\/span><\\/strong><\\/p><h3 class=\\\"vc_custom_heading h_dark\\\"><strong><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\">Fight Less, Love More \\u2013 Learn to Skilfully Communicate with your Partner &amp; Decrease Conflict<\\/span><\\/strong><\\/h3><p>\\u00a0<\\/p><p>This course has been designed to ensure that your relationship can not only survive but thrive. 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style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><span style=\\\"color: #c2b598;\\\">$1,497.00<\\/span><\\/span><\\/strong><\\/p><p><strong style=\\\"color: inherit; font-family: inherit; letter-spacing: 0px;\\\"><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><span style=\\\"color: #c2b598;\\\"><img class=\\\"alignnone size-full wp-image-4827\\\" src=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/5-Star-Review.png\\\" alt=\\\"\\\" width=\\\"93\\\" height=\\\"26\\\" \\/><\\/span><\\/span><\\/strong><\\/p><h3 class=\\\"vc_custom_heading h_dark\\\"><strong><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\">Fight Less, Love More \\u2013 Learn to Skilfully Communicate with your Partner &amp; Decrease Conflict<\\/span><\\/strong><\\/h3><p>\\u00a0<\\/p><p>This course has been designed to ensure that your relationship can not only survive but thrive. 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style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><span style=\\\"color: #c2b598;\\\">$1,497.00<\\/span><\\/span><\\/strong><\\/p><p><strong style=\\\"color: inherit; font-family: inherit; letter-spacing: 0px;\\\"><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><span style=\\\"color: #c2b598;\\\"><img class=\\\"alignnone size-full wp-image-4827\\\" src=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/5-Star-Review.png\\\" alt=\\\"\\\" width=\\\"93\\\" height=\\\"26\\\" \\/><\\/span><\\/span><\\/strong><\\/p><h3 class=\\\"vc_custom_heading h_dark\\\"><strong><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\">Fight Less, Love More \\u2013 Learn to Skilfully Communicate with your Partner &amp; Decrease Conflict<\\/span><\\/strong><\\/h3><p>\\u00a0<\\/p><p>This course has been designed to ensure that your relationship can not only survive but thrive. 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style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><span style=\\\"color: #c2b598;\\\">$1,497.00<\\/span><\\/span><\\/strong><\\/p><p><strong style=\\\"color: inherit; font-family: inherit; letter-spacing: 0px;\\\"><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><span style=\\\"color: #c2b598;\\\"><img class=\\\"alignnone size-full wp-image-4827\\\" src=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/5-Star-Review.png\\\" alt=\\\"\\\" width=\\\"93\\\" height=\\\"26\\\" \\/><\\/span><\\/span><\\/strong><\\/p><h3 class=\\\"vc_custom_heading h_dark\\\"><strong><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\">Fight Less, Love More \\u2013 Learn to Skilfully Communicate with your Partner &amp; Decrease Conflict<\\/span><\\/strong><\\/h3><p>\\u00a0<\\/p><p>This course has been designed to ensure that your relationship can not only survive but thrive. 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- source: Mamamia\",\"heading_text\":\"The 4 common \'blind spots\' in your relationship, and how to spot them\",\"description_text\":\"15 January 2023\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"cms_heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"dab5d10\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1fb5858\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3c137ff\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>You know those\\u00a0arguments you have with your partner\\u00a0that tend to go... absolutely nowhere?\\u00a0<\\/p><p>They don\'t understand your point of view; you don\'t understand theirs - and you go around in circles? And then you both convince yourselves that it\'s fixed and do it all over again a few months later??<\\/p><p>Sigh.<\\/p><p>That, friend, is what experts call a relationship \'blind spot\'.<\\/p><p>Basically, when you\'re both just not\\u00a0*getting*\\u00a0each other.<\\/p><p>We can suddenly get defensive, emotional, needy or just avoid the situation completely - all coping mechanisms we use to protect ourselves.<\\/p><p>According to couples counsellor\\u00a0<em>Lissy Abrahams<\\/em>, the causes of these blind spots and the ensuing coping mechanisms, go all the way back to your childhood.<\\/p><p>\\\"We were all shaped by our environment growing up more than we all know,\\\" explains Abrahams. \\\"It\\u2019s like there is a program from which we automatically run much of our lives and our relationships.\\\"\\u00a0<\\/p><p>\\\"What\\u2019s critical here, is that we cannot easily access the information for what shaped us, as it\\u2019s held unconsciously in our mind. For many of us, the information was encoded when young, before we even had words.\\\"<\\/p><p>Meaning? You and your partner have been\\u00a0shaped differently and basically run off different programs.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Enter: Conflict.<\\/p><p>\\\"As these are unconscious, both partners will have blind spots about how they\\u2019ve individually been programmed to relate.\'<\\/p><p>The worst part about it? \\\"Partners often have no idea of the extent to which their blind spots impact their own relationship.\\\" \\u00a0<\\/p><p>The thing is, though - we all have these blind spots. Every couple. And understanding them can help improve your relationship.<\\/p><p>That\'s why we\'re going to tell you exactly what to look for, along with what to do about it.<\\/p><p>Got that notepad ready?<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"39e47e0\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9601371\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"40a2ef6\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"What are the most common blind spots?\",\"header_size\":\"h3\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"1a672aa\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1b2d83f\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"728e302\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>The first thing you need to do? Identify said blind spots - because they can be difficult to notice. Especially because they\'re so ingrained into our own personality; they\'re essentially part of what makes you, \'you\'.<\\/p><p>And while we\'d all like to think our personalities and behaviour patterns are just fine, taking time to assess how certain things impact your relationship is only going to help your relationship in the long run.<\\/p><p>So, what are the most common kind of blind spots?<\\/p><p>According to Abrahams, there are four key ones to look out for:<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"d37ea4e\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a3a8a2f\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c83b3e5\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/1.png\",\"id\":3747,\"size\":\"\",\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e809336\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"5385820\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Relational templates\",\"header_size\":\"h4\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"19\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"99472d3\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1a191b1\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"bd6049f\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"ca46607\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>\\\"One of the greatest blind spots is that we don\\u2019t really understand how we have been programmed for relationships,\\\" said Abrahams. \\u00a0<\\/p><p>\\\"When we were children, we absorbed so much information, the happy and connected times, and the frightening or lonely times. Imagine that these experiences are encoded into a program (called a relational template)\\u00a0\\u2013\\u00a0that we run our relationships from throughout life.\\\"\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Relational templates are the foundation that hold our \\\"expectations, beliefs, opinions, and rules for how we should or shouldn\\u2019t behave and be treated in a relationship,\\\" said Abrahams.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>It\'s important to note that no two relationship templates are the same - we\'re all unique and \\\"made up of thousands and thousands of interactions with parents or caregivers.\\\" \\u00a0<\\/p><p>\\\"Our partner will have different templates which means there will always be a gap between theirs and ours.\\\"<\\/p><p>\\\"How partners navigate this gap is the difference between a safe and happy enough relationship and one that struggles.\\\" \\u00a0<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e38abdf\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"73b475f\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"e8bb6af\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/2.png\",\"id\":3748,\"size\":\"\",\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"cac690a\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2a1ac61\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Our threshold for distress tolerance\",\"header_size\":\"h4\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"19\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ea01749\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c45b950\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"4ab64ac\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"bb233e6\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>How you cope with this gap is key.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>\\\"It\\u2019s a massive blind spot for us if we can\\u2019t cope with or tolerate our anxious, overwhelmed or upset feelings that arise when faced with the gap between our relational template and our partner\\u2019s.\\\"\\u00a0<\\/p><p>\\\"At these times, we\\u2019ve hit our threshold and have distress intolerance. If partners can\\u2019t tolerate each other\\u2019s different relationship expectations, beliefs, opinions, and rules then they will definitely be triggered as this will feel unsafe.\\\"\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Abrahams goes on to say that partners will feel distressed, sad, lonely and overwhelmed if they experience their partner as:\\u00a0<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"4911280\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b2d11af\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"31fbb79\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"94a84a1\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"Speaking to them in a way they disapprove of. \",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"a79c006\"},{\"text\":\"Not celebrating their birthday with sufficient thought.  \",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"affc842\"},{\"text\":\"Not listening attentively or adequately.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"3da8356\"},{\"text\":\"Not supporting them sufficiently.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"446873b\"}]},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"32b9cda\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9bb49e4\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9ab28c6\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/3.png\",\"id\":3749,\"size\":\"\",\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"8ad8811\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"0623d42\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Our triggers\",\"header_size\":\"h4\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"19\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"1eb7eb5\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"164b761\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ffd6fbe\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6f2a8f0\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Another blind spot? When we don\\u2019t know what really triggers us and why, shares Abrahams.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>This constitutes any behaviour that might cause us to recall a traumatic or distressing emotional experience from the past, \\\"usually without any awareness of the original event\\\". \\u00a0<\\/p><p>Abrahams goes on to explain that we can be triggered by our partner\\u00a0who might not be able to identify these emotions as having originated in the past. \\\"They feel very present,\\\" she adds.<\\/p><p>\\\"When triggered by our partner\\u2019s words or actions, we can suddenly feel distressed or overwhelmed just like we did when we were a vulnerable child. These past experiences are still inside us, causing the experience with our partner to feel frightening, so we react using our survival response of fight-or-flight.\\\"<\\/p><p>Interesting,\\u00a0right?<\\/p><p>\\\"What triggers us with our partner will be linked to the information unconsciously held in our relational templates. If it wasn\\u2019t encoded in the template, we wouldn\\u2019t care so much.\\\"<\\/p><p>For example, \\\"If we feel our partner is disapproving of us, it would feel devastating because disapproval or, even worse, rejection, is in our template. We will typically react in fight-or-flight mode to this.\\\"\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Or, \\\"If we experience our partner as criticising, we will likely be triggered as being criticised as a child felt terrible and now feels overwhelming with our partner.\\\"<\\/p><p>Out of all the blind spots, this is one of the most major.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Abrahams essentially explains it as time travelling - where we get confused about what constitutes as feelings of the past and what is present.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>\\\"Just because our partner\\u2019s words or actions feel the same inside us as past events, doesn\\u2019t mean it is the same now.\\\"<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"1dfa117\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6c40081\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"5acfa65\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/4.png\",\"id\":3750,\"size\":\"\",\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"807d8b6\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c8a6982\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Our defence mechanisms\",\"header_size\":\"h4\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"19\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"f0a376a\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8d084a9\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"5218da5\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"66c5f77\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>When we get into an argument with our partner, we have mechanisms to protect ourselves - it could be denial, defensiveness, or just completely shutting down.<\\/p><p>\\\"Whenever we have gone into fight-or-flight due to our partner\\u2019s words or actions, we can unconsciously use ego defence mechanisms. These are a form of fight-or-flight (avoidance) and are a major blind spot in couple relationships, especially as they too are unconscious.\\\"<\\/p><p>Some common ego defence mechanisms are:\\u00a0<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ba2a312\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"36646bf\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"7933a7e\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8b3aaf8\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"Denial - \\\"Our mind blocks whatever we can\\u2019t accept at that moment to protect us from the emotional impact. This could be from the devastating news of a death, serious illness, or of a cheating spouse.\\\"  \",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"a79c006\"},{\"text\":\"Projection - \\\"We unconsciously disown parts of ourselves that we don\\u2019t like and \\u2018see\\u2019 them in others. For example, we may feel insecure about our career with a particular colleague. Instead of tolerating our insecurity, we look for negative qualities in them to make us feel better.\\\"  \",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"affc842\"},{\"text\":\"Regression - \\\"We revert to the behaviours or emotions of an earlier developmental age as we can\\u2019t tolerate the feelings inside us. With our partner, we may scream, cry, become petulant, sulk, complain, use a baby voice, or refuse to speak.\\\" \",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"3da8356\"},{\"text\":\"Intellectualisation - \\\"Making external excuses or justifications are also ways to avoid the emotional experience that is occurring.\\\"  \",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"446873b\"}]},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"d198914\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b1cdfbf\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"db0b197\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"How should you deal with relationship blind spots? \",\"header_size\":\"h3\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"a583eee\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"0acd529\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"d5a13eb\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>As we touched on before, the first and most important step is to assess your blind spots and take full responsibility for them.<\\/p><p>\\\"It\\u2019s not your partner\\u2019s fault how your relational template was shaped when you were young. They were not there.\\\"<\\/p><p>There are three ways to tackle this head-on.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"1705d59\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a2927f7\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"ad9fdc3\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/1.png\",\"id\":3747,\"size\":\"\",\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"081fc40\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"73bc81a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Therapy\",\"header_size\":\"h4\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"19\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"a2f78a2\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"d90af1b\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e13b164\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b894d1d\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<div class=\\\"article-content\\\" data-v-4cb6ee28=\\\"\\\"><div id=\\\"post-content-8\\\" class=\\\"post-content defaultClass\\\" data-v-4cb6ee28=\\\"\\\"><p>Going for therapy and seeing a professional will help you \\\"join the present with the past,\\\" said Abrahams. \\\"We have all\\u00a0been shaped\\u00a0differently and have our own unique relational templates.\\\"<\\/p><p>Abrahams goes on to say that talking with a professional can help you understand \\\"how your relational templates from childhood still operate inside you today. Are you clingy? Mistrusting? Secretive? Why?\\\"<\\/p><p>She said it can also help clarify how and why you react to your partner as you do. \\\"What are your triggers and what ego defence mechanisms do you use?\\\" \\u00a0<\\/p><\\/div><\\/div>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"7d89502\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"90923a2\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"49484f4\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/2.png\",\"id\":3748,\"size\":\"\",\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ff368e4\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"f6340e8\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Resources\",\"header_size\":\"h4\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"19\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"42a9a44\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"add9796\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"31c5cdb\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c464e50\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<div class=\\\"article-content\\\" data-v-4cb6ee28=\\\"\\\"><div id=\\\"post-content-8\\\" class=\\\"post-content defaultClass\\\" data-v-4cb6ee28=\\\"\\\"><p>\\\"Some online courses, podcasts and books can also help you identify triggers and ego defence mechanisms.\\\" \\u00a0<\\/p><\\/div><\\/div>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ec1d544\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8167b96\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"34f954b\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/3.png\",\"id\":3749,\"size\":\"\",\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"002f636\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"0b30f67\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Calming the nervous system\",\"header_size\":\"h4\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"19\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"95a3e6c\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"044f06e\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"9e386c1\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"401b17b\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<div class=\\\"article-content\\\" data-v-4cb6ee28=\\\"\\\"><div id=\\\"post-content-8\\\" class=\\\"post-content defaultClass\\\" data-v-4cb6ee28=\\\"\\\"><p>\\\"Repeatedly going into fight-or-flight mode can make your nervous system jumpy. Breathing exercises and\\/or mindfulness are great tools for calming it down and increasing your threshold for distress tolerance.\\\" \\u00a0<\\/p><p>So, get into that meditation!<\\/p><p>\\\"Our blind spots leave us exposed to being triggered by our partner. The more we understand how we\\u2019ve been programmed, the more we can look after our relationship.\\\"<\\/p><p><em>Want to hear more from Lissy Abrahams? Here\'s a link to her\\u00a0<strong><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><a style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\" href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/service\\/how-our-ego-harms-couple-relationships\\/\\\">e-book.<\\/a><\\/span><\\/strong><\\/em><\\/p><p><em>Can you identify any of these blind spots in your relationship? Share your thoughts in the comment section below.<\\/em><\\/p><p><em>Feature image: Getty<\\/em><\\/p><\\/div><\\/div>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(24309,5716,'case_study_content_padding','a:3:{s:5:\"units\";s:2:\"px\";s:11:\"padding-top\";s:1:\"0\";s:14:\"padding-bottom\";s:4:\"95px\";}'),(24310,5716,'_oembed_1b36688543d4d62a4a94550f822b61eb','<iframe title=\"Video Placeholder\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" src=\"https://www.youtube.com/embed/XHOmBV4js_E?feature=oembed\" frameborder=\"0\" allow=\"accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture\" allowfullscreen></iframe>'),(24311,5716,'_oembed_time_1b36688543d4d62a4a94550f822b61eb','1587374837'),(24312,5716,'_wp_old_slug','mamamia'),(24313,5716,'_thumbnail_id','5715'),(24314,5716,'case_customer','David Luis'),(24315,5716,'case_signs','Unstable psychology serious'),(24316,5716,'case_result','100% Psychological stability'),(24317,5716,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(24318,5716,'_edit_lock','1676438000:3'),(24319,5716,'_edit_last','3'),(24320,5716,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(24321,5716,'_wp_old_date','2022-07-17'),(24325,5717,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(24326,5717,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(24327,5717,'_elementor_version','3.7.7'),(24328,5717,'_wp_page_template','default'),(24329,5717,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"e854393\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"stretch_section\":\"section-stretched\",\"background_background\":\"classic\",\"background_image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/Stop-Couple-Conflict.png\",\"id\":5378,\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"},\"background_position\":\"initial\",\"background_repeat\":\"no-repeat\",\"background_size\":\"cover\",\"background_overlay_background\":\"classic\",\"background_overlay_color\":\"#000000\",\"background_overlay_opacity\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":0.409999999999999975575093458246556110680103302001953125,\"sizes\":[]},\"background_ypos\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":-207,\"sizes\":[]},\"background_xpos\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":7,\"sizes\":[]}},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"82bf9b1\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"d95d219\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"space\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":112,\"sizes\":[]}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"spacer\"},{\"id\":\"ade2076\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"subheading_text\":\"\",\"heading_text\":\"Mamam!a\",\"description_text\":\"\",\"heading_tag\":\"h1\",\"text_align\":\"center\",\"heading_color\":\"#FFFFFF\",\"heading_typography_typography\":\"custom\",\"heading_typography_font_size\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":60,\"sizes\":[]},\"heading_typography_font_size_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":40,\"sizes\":[]},\"heading_typography_letter_spacing\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":1.8000000000000000444089209850062616169452667236328125,\"sizes\":[]}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"cms_heading\"},{\"id\":\"a72ff32\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"space\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":125,\"sizes\":[]}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"spacer\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"22aae0e\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"margin\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"91\",\"right\":0,\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":0,\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b31baff\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"f7c748c\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"subheading_text\":\"Article - source: Mamamia\",\"heading_text\":\"There are 3 ways to stop the \'conflict cycle\'\",\"description_text\":\"4 September 2022\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"cms_heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"dab5d10\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1fb5858\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3c137ff\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>When there are ongoing cycles of conflict in our\\u00a0couple relationship, we often unconsciously take our partner\\u2019s comments, behaviour, opinion, tone of voice or facial expression as a threat. In that moment, we\\u2019re triggered into fight- or-flight and our mind and body react to our partner as if they were a hungry bear chasing us.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>The threat feels very real, and we react accordingly. We fight or run for our lives. The tragedy is that couples can do this for years, or even decades.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Remember, it typically takes around six years of conflict before a couple will contact a therapist for help.\\u00a0Conflict\\u00a0is incredibly distressing for both partners. It\\u2019s easy to see the distress on the fighters: they shout, blame, degrade, regress, make their bodies bigger or voices louder in anger.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Those who flee the conflict are also extremely distressed, even if they don\\u2019t look it. Remember, they have the same cascading survival reaction that compels them to run away as the fighters have to attack. Both experience a surge in their adrenaline and cortisol levels, and their heart rate and blood pressure increase.<\\/p><p>Prolonged couple conflict causes suffering for both partners. It\\u2019s gruelling, both physically and mentally, and it takes time and energy to recover from each exhausting episode. Very few of us bounce back after a fight without any lingering impact.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>The residue of conflict impacts our\\u00a0<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.mamamia.com.au\\/signs-of-a-healthy-relationship\\/\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener noreferrer\\\">relationship<\\/a>\\u00a0and creates the perfect climate for the ego to tell elaborate stories of our partner\\u2019s inadequacy. It\\u2019s vastly different from the way we saw each other at the start of the relationship.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>I see many couples where both partners feel vulnerable and powerless within their relationship. Their dynamic has changed. They both feel victim-like and see their partner as powerful, and even persecutory. When they come to me for therapy, typically they\\u2019ve both been using their go-to ego defence mechanisms and telling themselves ego-based stories for years.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>These behaviours and narratives are entrenched in their relationship, so both partners have plenty of \\u2018evidence\\u2019 to back up their ego\\u2019s version of the \\u2018truth\\u2019. Often, they disregard any information that conflicts with their version.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Many of the partners engaged in cycles of conflict didn\\u2019t develop distress tolerance in their relationships with their parents when they were children. It\\u2019s not their fault. And it\\u2019s not your fault. It\\u2019s not your parents\\u2019 fault, either, or even their parents\\u2019 fault\\u00a0\\u2013\\u00a0they didn\\u2019t develop distress tolerance either.<\\/p><p>We know our ability or inability to tolerate distress is handed down from parent to child. You know already that securely attached people have a higher threshold for handling distress than those who are insecurely attached.<\\/p><p>It\\u2019s a different experience for the insecurely attached. Their threshold is lower, and arousal is higher, which means more distress to deal with, more ego-based stories and defence mechanisms.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Those who were faced with the biological paradox will have an even lower threshold for distress tolerance, and they live with chronic arousal, perceiving many more threats in everyday life, and certainly in their relationship.\\u00a0<\\/p><h3><strong><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\">Why judgement is problematic<\\/span><\\/strong><\\/h3><p>\\u00a0<\\/p><p>What\\u2019s important here is that we don\\u2019t judge ourselves, our partner, or anyone, for being insecurely attached and not developing distress tolerance. It\\u2019s easy to want to judge our partner for their inadequacies or blame our parents for our insecure attachment.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Using judgement may allow us a little ego boost. However, it\\u2019s not healthy for us\\u00a0\\u2013\\u00a0and it\\u2019s using the ego defence mechanism projection. It\\u2019s fine to acknowledge that it\\u2019s a shame, or that life would have been simpler if we were securely attached, but judgement is problematic. It implies that we\\u2019re not like the person we\\u2019re judging (so we\\u2019re \\u2018good\\u2019), and therefore are better than them (as they\\u2019re \\u2018bad\\u2019).\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Do you recognise this? Whenever we use the extremes of good and bad, we\\u2019re using the defence mechanism called splitting. It means we\\u2019ve separated the person into the black and white binary and removed all grey zones.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>So, what\\u2019s in the grey zone? Well, everything that\\u2019s about all of us being complex, real and multifaceted human beings. The grey zone contains an understanding of our partner\\u2019s journey, their\\u00a0<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.mamamia.com.au\\/adult-attachment-styles\\/\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener noreferrer\\\">relational templates<\\/a>\\u00a0and childhood experiences, our journey, our need or safety and what our ego and physiology do when we perceive danger.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>We\\u2019re no more \\u2018good\\u2019 than they are \\u2018bad\\u2019. We all need to understand that there are no angels or devils in this life. My clients often want to make me out as \\u2018good\\u2019, as if my life is perfect and that I never struggle with tough times. I always tell my clients that there are no halos in my consulting room\\u00a0\\u2013\\u00a0not on their heads and certainly not on mine.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Just like all of us mortals, I behave according to my\\u00a0<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.mamamia.com.au\\/avoidant-attachment-style-relationships\\/\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener noreferrer\\\">attachment style\\u00a0<\\/a>and can hit my limit of distress tolerance. I work within myself to increase my threshold of what I can tolerate.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>We\\u2019re all in the human experience together. When we judge someone, we believe they should know better and behave better. We can also judge our own behaviour harshly, whether it\\u2019s with our partner or with others. We can be so fearful of being seen as inadequate and deemed unacceptable in our community.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Remember, abandonment is primitively wired within us as being akin to death\\u00a0\\u2013\\u00a0a lone human didn\\u2019t live for long in the wild. Today, there\\u2019s a major problem socially and via the media, as we judge all adults through the lens of a securely attached template. It\\u2019s a bit rich, isn\\u2019t it, given that only 60 per\\u00a0cent of us are actually securely attached. We don\\u2019t mind being completely inconsistent within ourselves as we delight in judging a monumental celebrity downfall.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>We love to gossip about it and judge that celebrity accordingly. We even sound holier than thou and feel rather unblemished as we speak. We see the celebrity splashed across the internet, hiding their ashamed faces on the evening news and in magazines. We love seeing how terrified, unworthy and below us they are now. We devour this stuff because it makes us feel better about our own lives.<\\/p><p>We do this to our partner in our relationship, too. We judge them harshly for what they don\\u2019t know exists inside them.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>When we hit our own threshold of distress tolerance, we often make excuses for our cruel or out-of-control behaviour. We may have called our partner \\u2018weak\\u2019 or \\u2018pathetic\\u2019 or yelled at them to \\u2018shut up!\\u2019, with expletives added for emphasis to frighten them just a little more. Or maybe we punished them with the silent treatment for days.\\u00a0<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"},{\"id\":\"1fb1298\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/09\\/Couple-Conflict.png\",\"id\":5387,\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"},\"image_size\":\"medium_large\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"},{\"id\":\"f8385bb\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>One of the best things we can do in our relationship is to stop our judgement and develop empathy for both of our individual struggles and how they interact in our relationship.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>We\\u2019re all humans, influenced by our primitive biology and relational wiring. We all can feel sadness, anxiety, irritation, shame, humiliation, guilt, pain and frustration. We\\u2019d be robots if we didn\\u2019t. The difference lies in our ability to manage these feelings.<\\/p><p>The first step we can take is to attend to our own home. It\\u2019s your turn to explore your own threshold of distress tolerance, to understand why and how you fight with your partner. You\\u2019re not responsible for the attachment style you developed, nor for what triggers you into flight-or-fight with your partner. You\\u2019re not even responsible for the ego-based stories you\\u2019ve been constructing in your mind for decades.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>However, now that you know about\\u00a0attachment styles, distress intolerance, triggers, ego-based stories and defence mechanisms, it\\u2019s your responsibility to liberate your relationship from the suffering caused by these things. And it\\u2019s not just the suffering to your relationship.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>We take ourselves everywhere, and when we take responsibility and liberate ourselves from the impact of the past, we liberate our partner, any children, friends, family and colleagues at work. Developing distress tolerance is how you stop the cycles of conflict with your partner.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>The more you do this, the more peace you\\u2019ll both feel. This creates the space to make happy memories together. I see this with my clients all the time. They do the work and the dark grey cloud that hovered over them disappears.\\u00a0<\\/p>\",\"_margin\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"15\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"39e47e0\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9601371\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"e0b2aa9\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<h3><strong><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\">How do we develop distress tolerance?<\\/span><\\/strong><\\/h3>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"1a672aa\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1b2d83f\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"728e302\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>We can\\u2019t separate mind and body as they influence each other constantly. We are one organism. This means we need both mind and body solutions for developing distress tolerance.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>I believe there are two main categories of coping strategies that are critical for developing distress tolerance. They allow you to reduce your reactivity to triggers through understanding how your triggers link to that whiff of familiarity from the past.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>This awareness will help you calm down and then you\\u2019ll recover more quickly. For couples, this decreases the damage of the conflict. These categories are connected and overlap in practice, but I\\u2019ll present them separately so you can see how they work. They are -\\u00a0<\\/p><p>1. Bio-hacks for calming ourselves down.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>2. Developing earned secure attachment.\\u00a0<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"a15027d\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"59778b3\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"011743f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Bio-hacks for calming ourselves down\",\"header_size\":\"h3\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"},{\"id\":\"46dba7d\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Bio-hacks are strategic interventions that you can apply yourself to improve your health, wellbeing or performance. You can use these to calm down whenever you want or need to. You already know that your limbic system is your brain\\u2019s emotional centre.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>When your amygdalae determine you are under threat, your body releases the stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol, which increase your heart rate and blood pressure. These changes prepare your body for fight-or-flight, and your thinking brain takes a back seat.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>Sometimes the left hemisphere goes offline, as in the case of adults with childhood trauma. To develop distress tolerance, you need to learn to get yourself out of fight-or-flight mode, to calm your whole system. Then you can get on with your life and think creatively about your next steps.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<h4><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><strong>Stop the conflict and take time out<\\/strong><\\/span><\\/h4>\\n<p>The first thing you need to do is to stop the episode of conflict. You need to take time out from the fight with your partner, even if that means physically moving away from them and into a safe space. You can\\u2019t calm yourself down if your fight-or-flight response is still being stimulated, as the hormones will keep surging through your body.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>So, we need to take the time to calm down before returning to each other. Think about how long you need. Is it fifteen minutes or is it hours? Take the time to ensure you don\\u2019t keep re-triggering each other. When you reunite, you need to have a mindset that\\u2019s open to resolving the conflict in a respectful way. You may even simply let it go and move on.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>Once you\\u2019ve taken time out, you can use some simple hacks to calm down. These help you join your mind and body together to focus on your here and now. When you\\u2019re triggered, you\\u2019ve confused what\\u2019s past and present. We all only have now: our past is over, and our future is not yet written.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>There are many ways to calm down, and I\\u2019m going to share my top three go-to tools. These tools have been scientifically tested, and even medical experts recommend their effectiveness. The more often I use these, the higher my threshold for tolerating distress becomes. Most of my clients find them life changing. They can be done anytime and anywhere. Just make sure you keep your eyes open during the breathing exercise when driving!&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>My top three bio-hacks are:&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>1. Breathing exercise to stimulate the vagus nerve.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>2. Mindfulness.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>3. Riding the 90-second wave.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>These bio-hacks return us to the present. And the only fact we really have (as opposed to the fake news created by our ego) is that our physical sensations are actually happening in the present. By focusing on being present and calming down, we can learn to tolerate distress within ourselves.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>This means we\\u2019re not needing our external world to be our crutch. We\\u2019re not distracting ourselves by reading, watching TV, tidying the office drawers or rearranging the kitchen cupboards. Distraction is being used as a defence mechanism.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>What we often try to do is use the external world to help tidy up our distressed internal world. We unconsciously believe we\\u2019ll get our mind in order if we can just achieve order in the kitchen. (And of course, it\\u2019s nice to have a compelling reason to tidy the kitchen cupboards). But distraction won\\u2019t help increase distress tolerance, and developing distress tolerance is critical for decreasing the cycles of conflict in our relationship.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<h4><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><strong>1. Breathing exercise to stimulate the vagus nerve.&nbsp;<\\/strong><\\/span><\\/h4><div><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><strong><br><\\/strong><\\/span><\\/div>\\n<p>At a biological level, breathing is the most powerful way we can regulate our fight-or-flight response. This works because of our vagus nerve and its incredibly calming capacity. The vagus nerve is the tenth cranial nerve, and it extends from our brainstem down through the neck and thorax to our abdomen.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>Think of it as a two-way street that carries a massive range of messages from our digestive system and organs to the brain, and back again. When we stimulate the vagus nerve, we send a message to our body saying it\\u2019s time to relax and de-stress. You do this simply by taking a slow, deep, deliberate breath in through your nose and down to your stomach. Then, you exhale slowly. These deep breaths activate neurons that detect blood pressure. The neurons also signal to the vagus nerve that your blood pressure is too high, so it lowers your heart rate, which helps you calm down.<\\/p>\\n<h4><strong><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\">2. Mindfulness.<\\/span><\\/strong><\\/h4><div><strong><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><br><\\/span><\\/strong><\\/div>\\n<p>You will now be aware that you compound your own stress and distress by creating ego-based stories that evoke sadness, anxiety or fear. And you know that your ego is just a part of your mind, continuously concerned with your identity from moment to moment. Mindfulness is a great tool to help us calm down when our ego\\u2019s stories take off, tell fake news or lack coherence. We\\u2019ve seen what happens to us physically and mentally when we let the stories rule the roost. Mindfulness takes our attention away from our left hemisphere, allowing us to drop the stories and redirect our mind to ourselves as an entire living and breathing organism.<\\/p>\\n<h4><strong><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\">3. Riding the 90-second wave.<\\/span><\\/strong><\\/h4><h4><strong><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\">&nbsp;<\\/span><\\/strong><\\/h4>\\n<p>For this approach, we can think of our body\\u2019s experience during fight-or-flight as a wave in the ocean with a beginning and an end.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>Following her stroke, Jill Bolte Taylor discovered that the physical sensations of fight-or-flight (such as surging adrenaline, racing heart rate, increasing blood pressure) reach a peak and then dissipate by themselves in 90 seconds. This means the physiological experience of emotions such as anger, frustration, sadness or distress takes only 90 seconds to ride through our body.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>So, why all this talk of distress intolerance if we only need to cope for 90 seconds? Bolte Taylor explains that our thoughts continue to re-stimulate our nervous system, which causes the fight-or-flight reaction to occur again and again.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>Think of it like this: we don\\u2019t normally just see one wave hit the beach. They keep rolling in, one after the other, in a continuous cycle. Similarly, our ego-based stories keep reactivating the physiological waves, keeping us in fight or flight until we stop the stories or become exhausted.<\\/p>\\n<p>This is why it\\u2019s critical you become aware of the stories you tell yourself. These stories repeatedly hurt you and your relationship. Remember, the stories don\\u2019t just stay in your mind. If you believe you are stupid or hard done by or not good enough, then you\\u2019ll treat yourself accordingly. If you believe your partner is disappointing, selfish or cruel, you\\u2019ll treat them&nbsp;as such. Where your mind goes, your behaviour often follows, and this has consequences for your relationship.<\\/p>\\n<p>These hacks are simple. The more frequently you use these strategies, the more you\\u2019ll want to keep using them to alleviate your distress, anxiety and sadness. You\\u2019ll no longer be held hostage or feel helpless in the face of your emotional state.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>The beauty of these hacks is that you can take them with you wherever you go. Over time, you\\u2019ll become more resilient and increase your threshold for tolerating distress.<\\/p>\\n<p><em>This is an extract from&nbsp;<\\/em><a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.booktopia.com.au\\/relationship-reset-lissy-abrahams\\/book\\/9781760989781.html?irclickid=Tumwb6xpQxyNUNV0vi2cWRoIUkDRHoTV5V-CQw0&amp;utm_campaign=Skimbit%20Ltd.&amp;utm_medium=affiliate&amp;utm_source=Impact&amp;bk_source=10078&amp;bk_source_id=10078&amp;irgwc=1\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener noreferrer\\\"><em>Relationship Reset<\\/em><\\/a>, published by Pan Macmillan Australia, available now from&nbsp;<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.booktopia.com.au\\/relationship-reset-lissy-abrahams\\/book\\/9781760989781.html?irclickid=Tumwb6xpQxyNUNV0vi2cWRoIUkDRHoTV5V-CQw0&amp;utm_campaign=Skimbit%20Ltd.&amp;utm_medium=affiliate&amp;utm_source=Impact&amp;bk_source=10078&amp;bk_source_id=10078&amp;irgwc=1\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener noreferrer\\\">Booktopia<\\/a>, Book Depository, Amazon and all the other online bookstores.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>For more from Lissy Abrahams, you can follow her on<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.instagram.com\\/lissy.abrahams\\/\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener noreferrer\\\">&nbsp;Instagram<\\/a>.<\\/p>\\n<p><em>Have you practiced any of these hacks before? How did you go? Share with us in the comment section below.<\\/em><\\/p>\\n<p><em>Feature image: 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"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"f7c748c\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"subheading_text\":\"Article - source: Mamamia\",\"heading_text\":\"There are 3 ways to stop the \'conflict cycle\'\",\"description_text\":\"4 September 2022\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"cms_heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"dab5d10\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1fb5858\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3c137ff\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>When there are ongoing cycles of conflict in our\\u00a0couple relationship, we often unconsciously take our partner\\u2019s comments, behaviour, opinion, tone of voice or facial expression as a threat. In that moment, we\\u2019re triggered into fight- or-flight and our mind and body react to our partner as if they were a hungry bear chasing us.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>The threat feels very real, and we react accordingly. We fight or run for our lives. The tragedy is that couples can do this for years, or even decades.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Remember, it typically takes around six years of conflict before a couple will contact a therapist for help.\\u00a0Conflict\\u00a0is incredibly distressing for both partners. It\\u2019s easy to see the distress on the fighters: they shout, blame, degrade, regress, make their bodies bigger or voices louder in anger.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Those who flee the conflict are also extremely distressed, even if they don\\u2019t look it. Remember, they have the same cascading survival reaction that compels them to run away as the fighters have to attack. Both experience a surge in their adrenaline and cortisol levels, and their heart rate and blood pressure increase.<\\/p><p>Prolonged couple conflict causes suffering for both partners. It\\u2019s gruelling, both physically and mentally, and it takes time and energy to recover from each exhausting episode. Very few of us bounce back after a fight without any lingering impact.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>The residue of conflict impacts our\\u00a0<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.mamamia.com.au\\/signs-of-a-healthy-relationship\\/\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener noreferrer\\\">relationship<\\/a>\\u00a0and creates the perfect climate for the ego to tell elaborate stories of our partner\\u2019s inadequacy. It\\u2019s vastly different from the way we saw each other at the start of the relationship.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>I see many couples where both partners feel vulnerable and powerless within their relationship. Their dynamic has changed. They both feel victim-like and see their partner as powerful, and even persecutory. When they come to me for therapy, typically they\\u2019ve both been using their go-to ego defence mechanisms and telling themselves ego-based stories for years.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>These behaviours and narratives are entrenched in their relationship, so both partners have plenty of \\u2018evidence\\u2019 to back up their ego\\u2019s version of the \\u2018truth\\u2019. Often, they disregard any information that conflicts with their version.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Many of the partners engaged in cycles of conflict didn\\u2019t develop distress tolerance in their relationships with their parents when they were children. It\\u2019s not their fault. And it\\u2019s not your fault. It\\u2019s not your parents\\u2019 fault, either, or even their parents\\u2019 fault\\u00a0\\u2013\\u00a0they didn\\u2019t develop distress tolerance either.<\\/p><p>We know our ability or inability to tolerate distress is handed down from parent to child. You know already that securely attached people have a higher threshold for handling distress than those who are insecurely attached.<\\/p><p>It\\u2019s a different experience for the insecurely attached. Their threshold is lower, and arousal is higher, which means more distress to deal with, more ego-based stories and defence mechanisms.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Those who were faced with the biological paradox will have an even lower threshold for distress tolerance, and they live with chronic arousal, perceiving many more threats in everyday life, and certainly in their relationship.\\u00a0<\\/p><h3><strong><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\">Why judgement is problematic<\\/span><\\/strong><\\/h3><p>\\u00a0<\\/p><p>What\\u2019s important here is that we don\\u2019t judge ourselves, our partner, or anyone, for being insecurely attached and not developing distress tolerance. It\\u2019s easy to want to judge our partner for their inadequacies or blame our parents for our insecure attachment.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Using judgement may allow us a little ego boost. However, it\\u2019s not healthy for us\\u00a0\\u2013\\u00a0and it\\u2019s using the ego defence mechanism projection. It\\u2019s fine to acknowledge that it\\u2019s a shame, or that life would have been simpler if we were securely attached, but judgement is problematic. It implies that we\\u2019re not like the person we\\u2019re judging (so we\\u2019re \\u2018good\\u2019), and therefore are better than them (as they\\u2019re \\u2018bad\\u2019).\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Do you recognise this? Whenever we use the extremes of good and bad, we\\u2019re using the defence mechanism called splitting. It means we\\u2019ve separated the person into the black and white binary and removed all grey zones.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>So, what\\u2019s in the grey zone? Well, everything that\\u2019s about all of us being complex, real and multifaceted human beings. The grey zone contains an understanding of our partner\\u2019s journey, their\\u00a0<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.mamamia.com.au\\/adult-attachment-styles\\/\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener noreferrer\\\">relational templates<\\/a>\\u00a0and childhood experiences, our journey, our need or safety and what our ego and physiology do when we perceive danger.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>We\\u2019re no more \\u2018good\\u2019 than they are \\u2018bad\\u2019. We all need to understand that there are no angels or devils in this life. My clients often want to make me out as \\u2018good\\u2019, as if my life is perfect and that I never struggle with tough times. I always tell my clients that there are no halos in my consulting room\\u00a0\\u2013\\u00a0not on their heads and certainly not on mine.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Just like all of us mortals, I behave according to my\\u00a0<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.mamamia.com.au\\/avoidant-attachment-style-relationships\\/\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener noreferrer\\\">attachment style\\u00a0<\\/a>and can hit my limit of distress tolerance. I work within myself to increase my threshold of what I can tolerate.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>We\\u2019re all in the human experience together. When we judge someone, we believe they should know better and behave better. We can also judge our own behaviour harshly, whether it\\u2019s with our partner or with others. We can be so fearful of being seen as inadequate and deemed unacceptable in our community.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Remember, abandonment is primitively wired within us as being akin to death\\u00a0\\u2013\\u00a0a lone human didn\\u2019t live for long in the wild. Today, there\\u2019s a major problem socially and via the media, as we judge all adults through the lens of a securely attached template. It\\u2019s a bit rich, isn\\u2019t it, given that only 60 per\\u00a0cent of us are actually securely attached. We don\\u2019t mind being completely inconsistent within ourselves as we delight in judging a monumental celebrity downfall.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>We love to gossip about it and judge that celebrity accordingly. We even sound holier than thou and feel rather unblemished as we speak. We see the celebrity splashed across the internet, hiding their ashamed faces on the evening news and in magazines. We love seeing how terrified, unworthy and below us they are now. We devour this stuff because it makes us feel better about our own lives.<\\/p><p>We do this to our partner in our relationship, too. We judge them harshly for what they don\\u2019t know exists inside them.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>When we hit our own threshold of distress tolerance, we often make excuses for our cruel or out-of-control behaviour. We may have called our partner \\u2018weak\\u2019 or \\u2018pathetic\\u2019 or yelled at them to \\u2018shut up!\\u2019, with expletives added for emphasis to frighten them just a little more. Or maybe we punished them with the silent treatment for days.\\u00a0<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"},{\"id\":\"1fb1298\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/09\\/Couple-Conflict.png\",\"id\":5387,\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"},\"image_size\":\"medium_large\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"},{\"id\":\"f8385bb\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>One of the best things we can do in our relationship is to stop our judgement and develop empathy for both of our individual struggles and how they interact in our relationship.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>We\\u2019re all humans, influenced by our primitive biology and relational wiring. We all can feel sadness, anxiety, irritation, shame, humiliation, guilt, pain and frustration. We\\u2019d be robots if we didn\\u2019t. The difference lies in our ability to manage these feelings.<\\/p><p>The first step we can take is to attend to our own home. It\\u2019s your turn to explore your own threshold of distress tolerance, to understand why and how you fight with your partner. You\\u2019re not responsible for the attachment style you developed, nor for what triggers you into flight-or-fight with your partner. You\\u2019re not even responsible for the ego-based stories you\\u2019ve been constructing in your mind for decades.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>However, now that you know about\\u00a0attachment styles, distress intolerance, triggers, ego-based stories and defence mechanisms, it\\u2019s your responsibility to liberate your relationship from the suffering caused by these things. And it\\u2019s not just the suffering to your relationship.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>We take ourselves everywhere, and when we take responsibility and liberate ourselves from the impact of the past, we liberate our partner, any children, friends, family and colleagues at work. Developing distress tolerance is how you stop the cycles of conflict with your partner.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>The more you do this, the more peace you\\u2019ll both feel. This creates the space to make happy memories together. I see this with my clients all the time. They do the work and the dark grey cloud that hovered over them disappears.\\u00a0<\\/p>\",\"_margin\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"15\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"39e47e0\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9601371\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"e0b2aa9\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<h3><strong><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\">How do we develop distress tolerance?<\\/span><\\/strong><\\/h3>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"1a672aa\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1b2d83f\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"728e302\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>We can\\u2019t separate mind and body as they influence each other constantly. We are one organism. This means we need both mind and body solutions for developing distress tolerance.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>I believe there are two main categories of coping strategies that are critical for developing distress tolerance. They allow you to reduce your reactivity to triggers through understanding how your triggers link to that whiff of familiarity from the past.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>This awareness will help you calm down and then you\\u2019ll recover more quickly. For couples, this decreases the damage of the conflict. These categories are connected and overlap in practice, but I\\u2019ll present them separately so you can see how they work. They are -\\u00a0<\\/p><p>1. Bio-hacks for calming ourselves down.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>2. Developing earned secure attachment.\\u00a0<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"a15027d\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"59778b3\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"011743f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Bio-hacks for calming ourselves down\",\"header_size\":\"h3\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"},{\"id\":\"46dba7d\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Bio-hacks are strategic interventions that you can apply yourself to improve your health, wellbeing or performance. You can use these to calm down whenever you want or need to. You already know that your limbic system is your brain\\u2019s emotional centre.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>When your amygdalae determine you are under threat, your body releases the stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol, which increase your heart rate and blood pressure. These changes prepare your body for fight-or-flight, and your thinking brain takes a back seat.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>Sometimes the left hemisphere goes offline, as in the case of adults with childhood trauma. To develop distress tolerance, you need to learn to get yourself out of fight-or-flight mode, to calm your whole system. Then you can get on with your life and think creatively about your next steps.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<h4><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><strong>Stop the conflict and take time out<\\/strong><\\/span><\\/h4>\\n<p>The first thing you need to do is to stop the episode of conflict. You need to take time out from the fight with your partner, even if that means physically moving away from them and into a safe space. You can\\u2019t calm yourself down if your fight-or-flight response is still being stimulated, as the hormones will keep surging through your body.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>So, we need to take the time to calm down before returning to each other. Think about how long you need. Is it fifteen minutes or is it hours? Take the time to ensure you don\\u2019t keep re-triggering each other. When you reunite, you need to have a mindset that\\u2019s open to resolving the conflict in a respectful way. You may even simply let it go and move on.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>Once you\\u2019ve taken time out, you can use some simple hacks to calm down. These help you join your mind and body together to focus on your here and now. When you\\u2019re triggered, you\\u2019ve confused what\\u2019s past and present. We all only have now: our past is over, and our future is not yet written.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>There are many ways to calm down, and I\\u2019m going to share my top three go-to tools. These tools have been scientifically tested, and even medical experts recommend their effectiveness. The more often I use these, the higher my threshold for tolerating distress becomes. Most of my clients find them life changing. They can be done anytime and anywhere. Just make sure you keep your eyes open during the breathing exercise when driving!&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>My top three bio-hacks are:&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>1. Breathing exercise to stimulate the vagus nerve.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>2. Mindfulness.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>3. Riding the 90-second wave.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>These bio-hacks return us to the present. And the only fact we really have (as opposed to the fake news created by our ego) is that our physical sensations are actually happening in the present. By focusing on being present and calming down, we can learn to tolerate distress within ourselves.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>This means we\\u2019re not needing our external world to be our crutch. We\\u2019re not distracting ourselves by reading, watching TV, tidying the office drawers or rearranging the kitchen cupboards. Distraction is being used as a defence mechanism.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>What we often try to do is use the external world to help tidy up our distressed internal world. We unconsciously believe we\\u2019ll get our mind in order if we can just achieve order in the kitchen. (And of course, it\\u2019s nice to have a compelling reason to tidy the kitchen cupboards). But distraction won\\u2019t help increase distress tolerance, and developing distress tolerance is critical for decreasing the cycles of conflict in our relationship.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<h4><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><strong>1. Breathing exercise to stimulate the vagus nerve.&nbsp;<\\/strong><\\/span><\\/h4><div><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><strong><br><\\/strong><\\/span><\\/div>\\n<p>At a biological level, breathing is the most powerful way we can regulate our fight-or-flight response. This works because of our vagus nerve and its incredibly calming capacity. The vagus nerve is the tenth cranial nerve, and it extends from our brainstem down through the neck and thorax to our abdomen.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>Think of it as a two-way street that carries a massive range of messages from our digestive system and organs to the brain, and back again. When we stimulate the vagus nerve, we send a message to our body saying it\\u2019s time to relax and de-stress. You do this simply by taking a slow, deep, deliberate breath in through your nose and down to your stomach. Then, you exhale slowly. These deep breaths activate neurons that detect blood pressure. The neurons also signal to the vagus nerve that your blood pressure is too high, so it lowers your heart rate, which helps you calm down.<\\/p>\\n<h4><strong><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\">2. Mindfulness.<\\/span><\\/strong><\\/h4><div><strong><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><br><\\/span><\\/strong><\\/div>\\n<p>You will now be aware that you compound your own stress and distress by creating ego-based stories that evoke sadness, anxiety or fear. And you know that your ego is just a part of your mind, continuously concerned with your identity from moment to moment. Mindfulness is a great tool to help us calm down when our ego\\u2019s stories take off, tell fake news or lack coherence. We\\u2019ve seen what happens to us physically and mentally when we let the stories rule the roost. Mindfulness takes our attention away from our left hemisphere, allowing us to drop the stories and redirect our mind to ourselves as an entire living and breathing organism.<\\/p>\\n<h4><strong><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\">3. Riding the 90-second wave.<\\/span><\\/strong><\\/h4><h4><strong><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\">&nbsp;<\\/span><\\/strong><\\/h4>\\n<p>For this approach, we can think of our body\\u2019s experience during fight-or-flight as a wave in the ocean with a beginning and an end.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>Following her stroke, Jill Bolte Taylor discovered that the physical sensations of fight-or-flight (such as surging adrenaline, racing heart rate, increasing blood pressure) reach a peak and then dissipate by themselves in 90 seconds. This means the physiological experience of emotions such as anger, frustration, sadness or distress takes only 90 seconds to ride through our body.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>So, why all this talk of distress intolerance if we only need to cope for 90 seconds? Bolte Taylor explains that our thoughts continue to re-stimulate our nervous system, which causes the fight-or-flight reaction to occur again and again.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>Think of it like this: we don\\u2019t normally just see one wave hit the beach. They keep rolling in, one after the other, in a continuous cycle. Similarly, our ego-based stories keep reactivating the physiological waves, keeping us in fight or flight until we stop the stories or become exhausted.<\\/p>\\n<p>This is why it\\u2019s critical you become aware of the stories you tell yourself. These stories repeatedly hurt you and your relationship. Remember, the stories don\\u2019t just stay in your mind. If you believe you are stupid or hard done by or not good enough, then you\\u2019ll treat yourself accordingly. If you believe your partner is disappointing, selfish or cruel, you\\u2019ll treat them&nbsp;as such. Where your mind goes, your behaviour often follows, and this has consequences for your relationship.<\\/p>\\n<p>These hacks are simple. The more frequently you use these strategies, the more you\\u2019ll want to keep using them to alleviate your distress, anxiety and sadness. You\\u2019ll no longer be held hostage or feel helpless in the face of your emotional state.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>The beauty of these hacks is that you can take them with you wherever you go. Over time, you\\u2019ll become more resilient and increase your threshold for tolerating distress.<\\/p>\\n<p><em>This is an extract from&nbsp;<\\/em><a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.booktopia.com.au\\/relationship-reset-lissy-abrahams\\/book\\/9781760989781.html?irclickid=Tumwb6xpQxyNUNV0vi2cWRoIUkDRHoTV5V-CQw0&amp;utm_campaign=Skimbit%20Ltd.&amp;utm_medium=affiliate&amp;utm_source=Impact&amp;bk_source=10078&amp;bk_source_id=10078&amp;irgwc=1\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener noreferrer\\\"><em>Relationship Reset<\\/em><\\/a>, published by Pan Macmillan Australia, available now from&nbsp;<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.booktopia.com.au\\/relationship-reset-lissy-abrahams\\/book\\/9781760989781.html?irclickid=Tumwb6xpQxyNUNV0vi2cWRoIUkDRHoTV5V-CQw0&amp;utm_campaign=Skimbit%20Ltd.&amp;utm_medium=affiliate&amp;utm_source=Impact&amp;bk_source=10078&amp;bk_source_id=10078&amp;irgwc=1\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener noreferrer\\\">Booktopia<\\/a>, Book Depository, Amazon and all the other online bookstores.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>For more from Lissy Abrahams, you can follow her on<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.instagram.com\\/lissy.abrahams\\/\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener noreferrer\\\">&nbsp;Instagram<\\/a>.<\\/p>\\n<p><em>Have you practiced any of these hacks before? How did you go? 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\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"f7c748c\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"subheading_text\":\"Article - source: Mamamia\",\"heading_text\":\"The 4 common \'blind spots\' in your relationship, and how to spot them\",\"description_text\":\"15 January 2023\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"cms_heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"dab5d10\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1fb5858\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3c137ff\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>You know those\\u00a0arguments you have with your partner\\u00a0that tend to go... absolutely nowhere?\\u00a0<\\/p><p>They don\'t understand your point of view; you don\'t understand theirs - and you go around in circles? And then you both convince yourselves that it\'s fixed and do it all over again a few months later??<\\/p><p>Sigh.<\\/p><p>That, friend, is what experts call a relationship \'blind spot\'.<\\/p><p>Basically, when you\'re both just not\\u00a0*getting*\\u00a0each other.<\\/p><p>We can suddenly get defensive, emotional, needy or just avoid the situation completely - all coping mechanisms we use to protect ourselves.<\\/p><p>According to couples counsellor\\u00a0<em>Lissy Abrahams<\\/em>, the causes of these blind spots and the ensuing coping mechanisms, go all the way back to your childhood.<\\/p><p>\\\"We were all shaped by our environment growing up more than we all know,\\\" explains Abrahams. \\\"It\\u2019s like there is a program from which we automatically run much of our lives and our relationships.\\\"\\u00a0<\\/p><p>\\\"What\\u2019s critical here, is that we cannot easily access the information for what shaped us, as it\\u2019s held unconsciously in our mind. For many of us, the information was encoded when young, before we even had words.\\\"<\\/p><p>Meaning? You and your partner have been\\u00a0shaped differently and basically run off different programs.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Enter: Conflict.<\\/p><p>\\\"As these are unconscious, both partners will have blind spots about how they\\u2019ve individually been programmed to relate.\'<\\/p><p>The worst part about it? \\\"Partners often have no idea of the extent to which their blind spots impact their own relationship.\\\" \\u00a0<\\/p><p>The thing is, though - we all have these blind spots. Every couple. And understanding them can help improve your relationship.<\\/p><p>That\'s why we\'re going to tell you exactly what to look for, along with what to do about it.<\\/p><p>Got that notepad ready?<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"39e47e0\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9601371\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"40a2ef6\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"What are the most common blind spots?\",\"header_size\":\"h3\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"1a672aa\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1b2d83f\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"728e302\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>The first thing you need to do? Identify said blind spots - because they can be difficult to notice. Especially because they\'re so ingrained into our own personality; they\'re essentially part of what makes you, \'you\'.<\\/p><p>And while we\'d all like to think our personalities and behaviour patterns are just fine, taking time to assess how certain things impact your relationship is only going to help your relationship in the long run.<\\/p><p>So, what are the most common kind of blind spots?<\\/p><p>According to Abrahams, there are four key ones to look out for:<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"d37ea4e\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a3a8a2f\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c83b3e5\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/1.png\",\"id\":3747,\"size\":\"\",\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e809336\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"5385820\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Relational templates\",\"header_size\":\"h4\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"19\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"99472d3\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1a191b1\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"bd6049f\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"ca46607\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>\\\"One of the greatest blind spots is that we don\\u2019t really understand how we have been programmed for relationships,\\\" said Abrahams. \\u00a0<\\/p><p>\\\"When we were children, we absorbed so much information, the happy and connected times, and the frightening or lonely times. Imagine that these experiences are encoded into a program (called a relational template)\\u00a0\\u2013\\u00a0that we run our relationships from throughout life.\\\"\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Relational templates are the foundation that hold our \\\"expectations, beliefs, opinions, and rules for how we should or shouldn\\u2019t behave and be treated in a relationship,\\\" said Abrahams.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>It\'s important to note that no two relationship templates are the same - we\'re all unique and \\\"made up of thousands and thousands of interactions with parents or caregivers.\\\" \\u00a0<\\/p><p>\\\"Our partner will have different templates which means there will always be a gap between theirs and ours.\\\"<\\/p><p>\\\"How partners navigate this gap is the difference between a safe and happy enough relationship and one that struggles.\\\" \\u00a0<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e38abdf\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"73b475f\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"e8bb6af\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/2.png\",\"id\":3748,\"size\":\"\",\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"cac690a\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2a1ac61\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Our threshold for distress tolerance\",\"header_size\":\"h4\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"19\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ea01749\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c45b950\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"4ab64ac\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"bb233e6\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>How you cope with this gap is key.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>\\\"It\\u2019s a massive blind spot for us if we can\\u2019t cope with or tolerate our anxious, overwhelmed or upset feelings that arise when faced with the gap between our relational template and our partner\\u2019s.\\\"\\u00a0<\\/p><p>\\\"At these times, we\\u2019ve hit our threshold and have distress intolerance. If partners can\\u2019t tolerate each other\\u2019s different relationship expectations, beliefs, opinions, and rules then they will definitely be triggered as this will feel unsafe.\\\"\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Abrahams goes on to say that partners will feel distressed, sad, lonely and overwhelmed if they experience their partner as:\\u00a0<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"4911280\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b2d11af\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"31fbb79\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"94a84a1\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"Speaking to them in a way they disapprove of. \",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"a79c006\"},{\"text\":\"Not celebrating their birthday with sufficient thought.  \",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"affc842\"},{\"text\":\"Not listening attentively or adequately.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"3da8356\"},{\"text\":\"Not supporting them sufficiently.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"446873b\"}]},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"32b9cda\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9bb49e4\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9ab28c6\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/3.png\",\"id\":3749,\"size\":\"\",\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"8ad8811\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"0623d42\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Our triggers\",\"header_size\":\"h4\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"19\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"1eb7eb5\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"164b761\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ffd6fbe\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6f2a8f0\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Another blind spot? When we don\\u2019t know what really triggers us and why, shares Abrahams.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>This constitutes any behaviour that might cause us to recall a traumatic or distressing emotional experience from the past, \\\"usually without any awareness of the original event\\\". \\u00a0<\\/p><p>Abrahams goes on to explain that we can be triggered by our partner\\u00a0who might not be able to identify these emotions as having originated in the past. \\\"They feel very present,\\\" she adds.<\\/p><p>\\\"When triggered by our partner\\u2019s words or actions, we can suddenly feel distressed or overwhelmed just like we did when we were a vulnerable child. These past experiences are still inside us, causing the experience with our partner to feel frightening, so we react using our survival response of fight-or-flight.\\\"<\\/p><p>Interesting,\\u00a0right?<\\/p><p>\\\"What triggers us with our partner will be linked to the information unconsciously held in our relational templates. If it wasn\\u2019t encoded in the template, we wouldn\\u2019t care so much.\\\"<\\/p><p>For example, \\\"If we feel our partner is disapproving of us, it would feel devastating because disapproval or, even worse, rejection, is in our template. We will typically react in fight-or-flight mode to this.\\\"\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Or, \\\"If we experience our partner as criticising, we will likely be triggered as being criticised as a child felt terrible and now feels overwhelming with our partner.\\\"<\\/p><p>Out of all the blind spots, this is one of the most major.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Abrahams essentially explains it as time travelling - where we get confused about what constitutes as feelings of the past and what is present.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>\\\"Just because our partner\\u2019s words or actions feel the same inside us as past events, doesn\\u2019t mean it is the same now.\\\"<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"1dfa117\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6c40081\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"5acfa65\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/4.png\",\"id\":3750,\"size\":\"\",\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"807d8b6\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c8a6982\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Our defence mechanisms\",\"header_size\":\"h4\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"19\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"f0a376a\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8d084a9\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"5218da5\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"66c5f77\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>When we get into an argument with our partner, we have mechanisms to protect ourselves - it could be denial, defensiveness, or just completely shutting down.<\\/p><p>\\\"Whenever we have gone into fight-or-flight due to our partner\\u2019s words or actions, we can unconsciously use ego defence mechanisms. These are a form of fight-or-flight (avoidance) and are a major blind spot in couple relationships, especially as they too are unconscious.\\\"<\\/p><p>Some common ego defence mechanisms are:\\u00a0<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ba2a312\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"36646bf\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"7933a7e\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8b3aaf8\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"Denial - \\\"Our mind blocks whatever we can\\u2019t accept at that moment to protect us from the emotional impact. This could be from the devastating news of a death, serious illness, or of a cheating spouse.\\\"  \",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"a79c006\"},{\"text\":\"Projection - \\\"We unconsciously disown parts of ourselves that we don\\u2019t like and \\u2018see\\u2019 them in others. For example, we may feel insecure about our career with a particular colleague. Instead of tolerating our insecurity, we look for negative qualities in them to make us feel better.\\\"  \",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"affc842\"},{\"text\":\"Regression - \\\"We revert to the behaviours or emotions of an earlier developmental age as we can\\u2019t tolerate the feelings inside us. With our partner, we may scream, cry, become petulant, sulk, complain, use a baby voice, or refuse to speak.\\\" \",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"3da8356\"},{\"text\":\"Intellectualisation - \\\"Making external excuses or justifications are also ways to avoid the emotional experience that is occurring.\\\"  \",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"446873b\"}]},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"d198914\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b1cdfbf\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"db0b197\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"How should you deal with relationship blind spots? \",\"header_size\":\"h3\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"a583eee\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"0acd529\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"d5a13eb\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>As we touched on before, the first and most important step is to assess your blind spots and take full responsibility for them.<\\/p><p>\\\"It\\u2019s not your partner\\u2019s fault how your relational template was shaped when you were young. They were not there.\\\"<\\/p><p>There are three ways to tackle this head-on.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"1705d59\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a2927f7\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"ad9fdc3\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/1.png\",\"id\":3747,\"size\":\"\",\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"081fc40\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"73bc81a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Therapy\",\"header_size\":\"h4\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"19\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"a2f78a2\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"d90af1b\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e13b164\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b894d1d\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(24350,5719,'_thumbnail_id','5715'),(24351,5719,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(24352,5719,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(24353,5720,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(24354,5720,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(24355,5720,'_elementor_version','3.11.0'),(24356,5720,'_wp_page_template','default'),(24357,5720,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"e854393\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"stretch_section\":\"section-stretched\",\"background_background\":\"classic\",\"background_image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/Stop-Couple-Conflict.png\",\"id\":5378,\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"},\"background_position\":\"initial\",\"background_repeat\":\"no-repeat\",\"background_size\":\"cover\",\"background_overlay_background\":\"classic\",\"background_overlay_color\":\"#000000\",\"background_overlay_opacity\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":0.409999999999999975575093458246556110680103302001953125,\"sizes\":[]},\"background_ypos\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":-207,\"sizes\":[]},\"background_xpos\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":7,\"sizes\":[]}},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"82bf9b1\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"d95d219\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"space\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":112,\"sizes\":[]}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"spacer\"},{\"id\":\"ade2076\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"subheading_text\":\"\",\"heading_text\":\"Mamam!a\",\"description_text\":\"\",\"heading_tag\":\"h1\",\"text_align\":\"center\",\"heading_color\":\"#FFFFFF\",\"heading_typography_typography\":\"custom\",\"heading_typography_font_size\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":60,\"sizes\":[]},\"heading_typography_font_size_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":40,\"sizes\":[]},\"heading_typography_letter_spacing\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":1.8000000000000000444089209850062616169452667236328125,\"sizes\":[]}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"cms_heading\"},{\"id\":\"a72ff32\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"space\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":125,\"sizes\":[]}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"spacer\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"22aae0e\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"margin\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"91\",\"right\":0,\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":0,\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b31baff\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"f7c748c\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"subheading_text\":\"Article - source: Mamamia\",\"heading_text\":\"The 4 common \'blind spots\' in your relationship, and how to spot them\",\"description_text\":\"15 January 2023\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"cms_heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"dab5d10\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1fb5858\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3c137ff\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>You know those\\u00a0arguments you have with your partner\\u00a0that tend to go... absolutely nowhere?\\u00a0<\\/p><p>They don\'t understand your point of view; you don\'t understand theirs - and you go around in circles? And then you both convince yourselves that it\'s fixed and do it all over again a few months later??<\\/p><p>Sigh.<\\/p><p>That, friend, is what experts call a relationship \'blind spot\'.<\\/p><p>Basically, when you\'re both just not\\u00a0*getting*\\u00a0each other.<\\/p><p>We can suddenly get defensive, emotional, needy or just avoid the situation completely - all coping mechanisms we use to protect ourselves.<\\/p><p>According to couples counsellor\\u00a0<em>Lissy Abrahams<\\/em>, the causes of these blind spots and the ensuing coping mechanisms, go all the way back to your childhood.<\\/p><p>\\\"We were all shaped by our environment growing up more than we all know,\\\" explains Abrahams. \\\"It\\u2019s like there is a program from which we automatically run much of our lives and our relationships.\\\"\\u00a0<\\/p><p>\\\"What\\u2019s critical here, is that we cannot easily access the information for what shaped us, as it\\u2019s held unconsciously in our mind. For many of us, the information was encoded when young, before we even had words.\\\"<\\/p><p>Meaning? You and your partner have been\\u00a0shaped differently and basically run off different programs.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Enter: Conflict.<\\/p><p>\\\"As these are unconscious, both partners will have blind spots about how they\\u2019ve individually been programmed to relate.\'<\\/p><p>The worst part about it? \\\"Partners often have no idea of the extent to which their blind spots impact their own relationship.\\\" \\u00a0<\\/p><p>The thing is, though - we all have these blind spots. Every couple. And understanding them can help improve your relationship.<\\/p><p>That\'s why we\'re going to tell you exactly what to look for, along with what to do about it.<\\/p><p>Got that notepad ready?<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"39e47e0\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9601371\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"40a2ef6\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"What are the most common blind spots?\",\"header_size\":\"h3\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"1a672aa\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1b2d83f\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"728e302\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>The first thing you need to do? Identify said blind spots - because they can be difficult to notice. Especially because they\'re so ingrained into our own personality; they\'re essentially part of what makes you, \'you\'.<\\/p><p>And while we\'d all like to think our personalities and behaviour patterns are just fine, taking time to assess how certain things impact your relationship is only going to help your relationship in the long run.<\\/p><p>So, what are the most common kind of blind spots?<\\/p><p>According to Abrahams, there are four key ones to look out for:<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"d37ea4e\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a3a8a2f\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c83b3e5\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/1.png\",\"id\":3747,\"size\":\"\",\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e809336\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"5385820\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Relational templates\",\"header_size\":\"h4\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"19\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"99472d3\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1a191b1\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"bd6049f\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"ca46607\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>\\\"One of the greatest blind spots is that we don\\u2019t really understand how we have been programmed for relationships,\\\" said Abrahams. \\u00a0<\\/p><p>\\\"When we were children, we absorbed so much information, the happy and connected times, and the frightening or lonely times. Imagine that these experiences are encoded into a program (called a relational template)\\u00a0\\u2013\\u00a0that we run our relationships from throughout life.\\\"\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Relational templates are the foundation that hold our \\\"expectations, beliefs, opinions, and rules for how we should or shouldn\\u2019t behave and be treated in a relationship,\\\" said Abrahams.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>It\'s important to note that no two relationship templates are the same - we\'re all unique and \\\"made up of thousands and thousands of interactions with parents or caregivers.\\\" \\u00a0<\\/p><p>\\\"Our partner will have different templates which means there will always be a gap between theirs and ours.\\\"<\\/p><p>\\\"How partners navigate this gap is the difference between a safe and happy enough relationship and one that struggles.\\\" \\u00a0<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e38abdf\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"73b475f\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"e8bb6af\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/2.png\",\"id\":3748,\"size\":\"\",\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"cac690a\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2a1ac61\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Our threshold for distress tolerance\",\"header_size\":\"h4\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"19\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ea01749\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c45b950\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"4ab64ac\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"bb233e6\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>How you cope with this gap is key.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>\\\"It\\u2019s a massive blind spot for us if we can\\u2019t cope with or tolerate our anxious, overwhelmed or upset feelings that arise when faced with the gap between our relational template and our partner\\u2019s.\\\"\\u00a0<\\/p><p>\\\"At these times, we\\u2019ve hit our threshold and have distress intolerance. If partners can\\u2019t tolerate each other\\u2019s different relationship expectations, beliefs, opinions, and rules then they will definitely be triggered as this will feel unsafe.\\\"\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Abrahams goes on to say that partners will feel distressed, sad, lonely and overwhelmed if they experience their partner as:\\u00a0<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"4911280\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b2d11af\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"31fbb79\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"94a84a1\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"Speaking to them in a way they disapprove of. \",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"a79c006\"},{\"text\":\"Not celebrating their birthday with sufficient thought.  \",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"affc842\"},{\"text\":\"Not listening attentively or adequately.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"3da8356\"},{\"text\":\"Not supporting them sufficiently.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"446873b\"}]},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"32b9cda\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9bb49e4\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9ab28c6\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/3.png\",\"id\":3749,\"size\":\"\",\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"8ad8811\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"0623d42\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Our triggers\",\"header_size\":\"h4\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"19\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"1eb7eb5\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"164b761\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ffd6fbe\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6f2a8f0\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Another blind spot? When we don\\u2019t know what really triggers us and why, shares Abrahams.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>This constitutes any behaviour that might cause us to recall a traumatic or distressing emotional experience from the past, \\\"usually without any awareness of the original event\\\". \\u00a0<\\/p><p>Abrahams goes on to explain that we can be triggered by our partner\\u00a0who might not be able to identify these emotions as having originated in the past. \\\"They feel very present,\\\" she adds.<\\/p><p>\\\"When triggered by our partner\\u2019s words or actions, we can suddenly feel distressed or overwhelmed just like we did when we were a vulnerable child. These past experiences are still inside us, causing the experience with our partner to feel frightening, so we react using our survival response of fight-or-flight.\\\"<\\/p><p>Interesting,\\u00a0right?<\\/p><p>\\\"What triggers us with our partner will be linked to the information unconsciously held in our relational templates. If it wasn\\u2019t encoded in the template, we wouldn\\u2019t care so much.\\\"<\\/p><p>For example, \\\"If we feel our partner is disapproving of us, it would feel devastating because disapproval or, even worse, rejection, is in our template. We will typically react in fight-or-flight mode to this.\\\"\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Or, \\\"If we experience our partner as criticising, we will likely be triggered as being criticised as a child felt terrible and now feels overwhelming with our partner.\\\"<\\/p><p>Out of all the blind spots, this is one of the most major.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Abrahams essentially explains it as time travelling - where we get confused about what constitutes as feelings of the past and what is present.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>\\\"Just because our partner\\u2019s words or actions feel the same inside us as past events, doesn\\u2019t mean it is the same now.\\\"<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"1dfa117\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6c40081\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"5acfa65\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/4.png\",\"id\":3750,\"size\":\"\",\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"807d8b6\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c8a6982\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Our defence mechanisms\",\"header_size\":\"h4\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"19\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"f0a376a\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8d084a9\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"5218da5\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"66c5f77\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>When we get into an argument with our partner, we have mechanisms to protect ourselves - it could be denial, defensiveness, or just completely shutting down.<\\/p><p>\\\"Whenever we have gone into fight-or-flight due to our partner\\u2019s words or actions, we can unconsciously use ego defence mechanisms. These are a form of fight-or-flight (avoidance) and are a major blind spot in couple relationships, especially as they too are unconscious.\\\"<\\/p><p>Some common ego defence mechanisms are:\\u00a0<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ba2a312\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"36646bf\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"7933a7e\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8b3aaf8\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"Denial - \\\"Our mind blocks whatever we can\\u2019t accept at that moment to protect us from the emotional impact. This could be from the devastating news of a death, serious illness, or of a cheating spouse.\\\"  \",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"a79c006\"},{\"text\":\"Projection - \\\"We unconsciously disown parts of ourselves that we don\\u2019t like and \\u2018see\\u2019 them in others. For example, we may feel insecure about our career with a particular colleague. Instead of tolerating our insecurity, we look for negative qualities in them to make us feel better.\\\"  \",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"affc842\"},{\"text\":\"Regression - \\\"We revert to the behaviours or emotions of an earlier developmental age as we can\\u2019t tolerate the feelings inside us. With our partner, we may scream, cry, become petulant, sulk, complain, use a baby voice, or refuse to speak.\\\" \",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"3da8356\"},{\"text\":\"Intellectualisation - \\\"Making external excuses or justifications are also ways to avoid the emotional experience that is occurring.\\\"  \",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"446873b\"}]},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"d198914\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b1cdfbf\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"db0b197\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"How should you deal with relationship blind spots? \",\"header_size\":\"h3\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"a583eee\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"0acd529\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"d5a13eb\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>As we touched on before, the first and most important step is to assess your blind spots and take full responsibility for them.<\\/p><p>\\\"It\\u2019s not your partner\\u2019s fault how your relational template was shaped when you were young. They were not there.\\\"<\\/p><p>There are three ways to tackle this head-on.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"1705d59\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a2927f7\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"ad9fdc3\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/1.png\",\"id\":3747,\"size\":\"\",\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"081fc40\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"73bc81a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Therapy\",\"header_size\":\"h4\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"19\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"a2f78a2\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"d90af1b\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e13b164\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b894d1d\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(24358,5720,'_thumbnail_id','5715'),(24359,5720,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(24360,5720,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(24361,5721,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(24362,5721,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(24363,5721,'_elementor_version','3.11.0'),(24364,5721,'_wp_page_template','default'),(24365,5721,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"e854393\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"stretch_section\":\"section-stretched\",\"background_background\":\"classic\",\"background_image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/Stop-Couple-Conflict.png\",\"id\":5378,\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"},\"background_position\":\"initial\",\"background_repeat\":\"no-repeat\",\"background_size\":\"cover\",\"background_overlay_background\":\"classic\",\"background_overlay_color\":\"#000000\",\"background_overlay_opacity\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":0.409999999999999975575093458246556110680103302001953125,\"sizes\":[]},\"background_ypos\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":-207,\"sizes\":[]},\"background_xpos\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":7,\"sizes\":[]}},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"82bf9b1\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"d95d219\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"space\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":112,\"sizes\":[]}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"spacer\"},{\"id\":\"ade2076\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"subheading_text\":\"\",\"heading_text\":\"Mamam!a\",\"description_text\":\"\",\"heading_tag\":\"h1\",\"text_align\":\"center\",\"heading_color\":\"#FFFFFF\",\"heading_typography_typography\":\"custom\",\"heading_typography_font_size\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":60,\"sizes\":[]},\"heading_typography_font_size_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":40,\"sizes\":[]},\"heading_typography_letter_spacing\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":1.8000000000000000444089209850062616169452667236328125,\"sizes\":[]}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"cms_heading\"},{\"id\":\"a72ff32\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"space\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":125,\"sizes\":[]}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"spacer\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"22aae0e\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"margin\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"91\",\"right\":0,\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":0,\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b31baff\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"f7c748c\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"subheading_text\":\"Article - source: Mamamia\",\"heading_text\":\"The 4 common \'blind spots\' in your relationship, and how to spot them\",\"description_text\":\"15 January 2023\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"cms_heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"dab5d10\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1fb5858\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3c137ff\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>You know those\\u00a0arguments you have with your partner\\u00a0that tend to go... absolutely nowhere?\\u00a0<\\/p><p>They don\'t understand your point of view; you don\'t understand theirs - and you go around in circles? And then you both convince yourselves that it\'s fixed and do it all over again a few months later??<\\/p><p>Sigh.<\\/p><p>That, friend, is what experts call a relationship \'blind spot\'.<\\/p><p>Basically, when you\'re both just not\\u00a0*getting*\\u00a0each other.<\\/p><p>We can suddenly get defensive, emotional, needy or just avoid the situation completely - all coping mechanisms we use to protect ourselves.<\\/p><p>According to couples counsellor\\u00a0<em>Lissy Abrahams<\\/em>, the causes of these blind spots and the ensuing coping mechanisms, go all the way back to your childhood.<\\/p><p>\\\"We were all shaped by our environment growing up more than we all know,\\\" explains Abrahams. \\\"It\\u2019s like there is a program from which we automatically run much of our lives and our relationships.\\\"\\u00a0<\\/p><p>\\\"What\\u2019s critical here, is that we cannot easily access the information for what shaped us, as it\\u2019s held unconsciously in our mind. For many of us, the information was encoded when young, before we even had words.\\\"<\\/p><p>Meaning? You and your partner have been\\u00a0shaped differently and basically run off different programs.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Enter: Conflict.<\\/p><p>\\\"As these are unconscious, both partners will have blind spots about how they\\u2019ve individually been programmed to relate.\'<\\/p><p>The worst part about it? \\\"Partners often have no idea of the extent to which their blind spots impact their own relationship.\\\" \\u00a0<\\/p><p>The thing is, though - we all have these blind spots. Every couple. And understanding them can help improve your relationship.<\\/p><p>That\'s why we\'re going to tell you exactly what to look for, along with what to do about it.<\\/p><p>Got that notepad ready?<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"39e47e0\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9601371\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"40a2ef6\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"What are the most common blind spots?\",\"header_size\":\"h3\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"1a672aa\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1b2d83f\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"728e302\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>The first thing you need to do? Identify said blind spots - because they can be difficult to notice. Especially because they\'re so ingrained into our own personality; they\'re essentially part of what makes you, \'you\'.<\\/p><p>And while we\'d all like to think our personalities and behaviour patterns are just fine, taking time to assess how certain things impact your relationship is only going to help your relationship in the long run.<\\/p><p>So, what are the most common kind of blind spots?<\\/p><p>According to Abrahams, there are four key ones to look out for:<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"d37ea4e\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a3a8a2f\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c83b3e5\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/1.png\",\"id\":3747,\"size\":\"\",\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e809336\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"5385820\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Relational templates\",\"header_size\":\"h4\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"19\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"99472d3\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1a191b1\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"bd6049f\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"ca46607\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>\\\"One of the greatest blind spots is that we don\\u2019t really understand how we have been programmed for relationships,\\\" said Abrahams. \\u00a0<\\/p><p>\\\"When we were children, we absorbed so much information, the happy and connected times, and the frightening or lonely times. Imagine that these experiences are encoded into a program (called a relational template)\\u00a0\\u2013\\u00a0that we run our relationships from throughout life.\\\"\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Relational templates are the foundation that hold our \\\"expectations, beliefs, opinions, and rules for how we should or shouldn\\u2019t behave and be treated in a relationship,\\\" said Abrahams.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>It\'s important to note that no two relationship templates are the same - we\'re all unique and \\\"made up of thousands and thousands of interactions with parents or caregivers.\\\" \\u00a0<\\/p><p>\\\"Our partner will have different templates which means there will always be a gap between theirs and ours.\\\"<\\/p><p>\\\"How partners navigate this gap is the difference between a safe and happy enough relationship and one that struggles.\\\" \\u00a0<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e38abdf\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"73b475f\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"e8bb6af\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/2.png\",\"id\":3748,\"size\":\"\",\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"cac690a\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2a1ac61\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Our threshold for distress tolerance\",\"header_size\":\"h4\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"19\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ea01749\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c45b950\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"4ab64ac\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"bb233e6\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>How you cope with this gap is key.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>\\\"It\\u2019s a massive blind spot for us if we can\\u2019t cope with or tolerate our anxious, overwhelmed or upset feelings that arise when faced with the gap between our relational template and our partner\\u2019s.\\\"\\u00a0<\\/p><p>\\\"At these times, we\\u2019ve hit our threshold and have distress intolerance. If partners can\\u2019t tolerate each other\\u2019s different relationship expectations, beliefs, opinions, and rules then they will definitely be triggered as this will feel unsafe.\\\"\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Abrahams goes on to say that partners will feel distressed, sad, lonely and overwhelmed if they experience their partner as:\\u00a0<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"4911280\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b2d11af\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"31fbb79\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"94a84a1\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"Speaking to them in a way they disapprove of. \",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"a79c006\"},{\"text\":\"Not celebrating their birthday with sufficient thought.  \",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"affc842\"},{\"text\":\"Not listening attentively or adequately.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"3da8356\"},{\"text\":\"Not supporting them sufficiently.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"446873b\"}]},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"32b9cda\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9bb49e4\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9ab28c6\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/3.png\",\"id\":3749,\"size\":\"\",\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"8ad8811\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"0623d42\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Our triggers\",\"header_size\":\"h4\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"19\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"1eb7eb5\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"164b761\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ffd6fbe\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6f2a8f0\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Another blind spot? When we don\\u2019t know what really triggers us and why, shares Abrahams.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>This constitutes any behaviour that might cause us to recall a traumatic or distressing emotional experience from the past, \\\"usually without any awareness of the original event\\\". \\u00a0<\\/p><p>Abrahams goes on to explain that we can be triggered by our partner\\u00a0who might not be able to identify these emotions as having originated in the past. \\\"They feel very present,\\\" she adds.<\\/p><p>\\\"When triggered by our partner\\u2019s words or actions, we can suddenly feel distressed or overwhelmed just like we did when we were a vulnerable child. These past experiences are still inside us, causing the experience with our partner to feel frightening, so we react using our survival response of fight-or-flight.\\\"<\\/p><p>Interesting,\\u00a0right?<\\/p><p>\\\"What triggers us with our partner will be linked to the information unconsciously held in our relational templates. If it wasn\\u2019t encoded in the template, we wouldn\\u2019t care so much.\\\"<\\/p><p>For example, \\\"If we feel our partner is disapproving of us, it would feel devastating because disapproval or, even worse, rejection, is in our template. We will typically react in fight-or-flight mode to this.\\\"\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Or, \\\"If we experience our partner as criticising, we will likely be triggered as being criticised as a child felt terrible and now feels overwhelming with our partner.\\\"<\\/p><p>Out of all the blind spots, this is one of the most major.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Abrahams essentially explains it as time travelling - where we get confused about what constitutes as feelings of the past and what is present.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>\\\"Just because our partner\\u2019s words or actions feel the same inside us as past events, doesn\\u2019t mean it is the same now.\\\"<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"1dfa117\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6c40081\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"5acfa65\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/4.png\",\"id\":3750,\"size\":\"\",\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"807d8b6\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c8a6982\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Our defence mechanisms\",\"header_size\":\"h4\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"19\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"f0a376a\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8d084a9\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"5218da5\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"66c5f77\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>When we get into an argument with our partner, we have mechanisms to protect ourselves - it could be denial, defensiveness, or just completely shutting down.<\\/p><p>\\\"Whenever we have gone into fight-or-flight due to our partner\\u2019s words or actions, we can unconsciously use ego defence mechanisms. These are a form of fight-or-flight (avoidance) and are a major blind spot in couple relationships, especially as they too are unconscious.\\\"<\\/p><p>Some common ego defence mechanisms are:\\u00a0<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ba2a312\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"36646bf\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"7933a7e\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8b3aaf8\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"Denial - \\\"Our mind blocks whatever we can\\u2019t accept at that moment to protect us from the emotional impact. This could be from the devastating news of a death, serious illness, or of a cheating spouse.\\\"  \",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"a79c006\"},{\"text\":\"Projection - \\\"We unconsciously disown parts of ourselves that we don\\u2019t like and \\u2018see\\u2019 them in others. For example, we may feel insecure about our career with a particular colleague. Instead of tolerating our insecurity, we look for negative qualities in them to make us feel better.\\\"  \",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"affc842\"},{\"text\":\"Regression - \\\"We revert to the behaviours or emotions of an earlier developmental age as we can\\u2019t tolerate the feelings inside us. With our partner, we may scream, cry, become petulant, sulk, complain, use a baby voice, or refuse to speak.\\\" \",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"3da8356\"},{\"text\":\"Intellectualisation - \\\"Making external excuses or justifications are also ways to avoid the emotional experience that is occurring.\\\"  \",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"446873b\"}]},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"d198914\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b1cdfbf\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"db0b197\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"How should you deal with relationship blind spots? \",\"header_size\":\"h3\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"a583eee\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"0acd529\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"d5a13eb\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>As we touched on before, the first and most important step is to assess your blind spots and take full responsibility for them.<\\/p><p>\\\"It\\u2019s not your partner\\u2019s fault how your relational template was shaped when you were young. They were not there.\\\"<\\/p><p>There are three ways to tackle this head-on.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"1705d59\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a2927f7\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"ad9fdc3\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/1.png\",\"id\":3747,\"size\":\"\",\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"081fc40\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"73bc81a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Therapy\",\"header_size\":\"h4\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"19\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"a2f78a2\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"d90af1b\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e13b164\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b894d1d\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<div class=\\\"article-content\\\" data-v-4cb6ee28=\\\"\\\"><div id=\\\"post-content-8\\\" class=\\\"post-content defaultClass\\\" data-v-4cb6ee28=\\\"\\\"><p>Going for therapy and seeing a professional will help you \\\"join the present with the past,\\\" said Abrahams. \\\"We have all\\u00a0been shaped\\u00a0differently and have our own unique relational templates.\\\"<\\/p><p>Abrahams goes on to say that talking with a professional can help you understand \\\"how your relational templates from childhood still operate inside you today. Are you clingy? Mistrusting? Secretive? Why?\\\"<\\/p><p>She said it can also help clarify how and why you react to your partner as you do. \\\"What are your triggers and what ego defence mechanisms do you use?\\\" \\u00a0<\\/p><\\/div><\\/div>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"7d89502\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"90923a2\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"49484f4\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/2.png\",\"id\":3748,\"size\":\"\",\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ff368e4\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"f6340e8\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Resources\",\"header_size\":\"h4\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"19\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"42a9a44\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"add9796\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"31c5cdb\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c464e50\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<div class=\\\"article-content\\\" data-v-4cb6ee28=\\\"\\\"><div id=\\\"post-content-8\\\" class=\\\"post-content defaultClass\\\" data-v-4cb6ee28=\\\"\\\"><p>\\\"Some online courses, podcasts and books can also help you identify triggers and ego defence mechanisms.\\\" \\u00a0<\\/p><\\/div><\\/div>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ec1d544\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8167b96\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"34f954b\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/3.png\",\"id\":3749,\"size\":\"\",\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"002f636\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"0b30f67\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Calming the nervous system\",\"header_size\":\"h4\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"19\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"95a3e6c\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"044f06e\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"9e386c1\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"401b17b\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<div class=\\\"article-content\\\" data-v-4cb6ee28=\\\"\\\"><div id=\\\"post-content-8\\\" class=\\\"post-content defaultClass\\\" data-v-4cb6ee28=\\\"\\\"><p>\\\"Repeatedly going into fight-or-flight mode can make your nervous system jumpy. Breathing exercises and\\/or mindfulness are great tools for calming it down and increasing your threshold for distress tolerance.\\\" \\u00a0<\\/p><p>So, get into that meditation!<\\/p><p>\\\"Our blind spots leave us exposed to being triggered by our partner. The more we understand how we\\u2019ve been programmed, the more we can look after our relationship.\\\"<\\/p><p><em>Want to hear more from Lissy Abrahams? Here\'s a link to her\\u00a0<strong><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><a style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\" href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/service\\/how-our-ego-harms-couple-relationships\\/\\\">e-book.<\\/a><\\/span><\\/strong><\\/em><\\/p><p><em>Can you identify any of these blind spots in your relationship? Share your thoughts in the comment section below.<\\/em><\\/p><p><em>Feature image: Getty<\\/em><\\/p><\\/div><\\/div>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(24366,5721,'_thumbnail_id','5715'),(24367,5721,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(24368,5721,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(24369,5716,'_elementor_css','a:6:{s:4:\"time\";i:1676437964;s:5:\"fonts\";a:0:{}s:5:\"icons\";a:1:{i:0;s:8:\"fa-solid\";}s:20:\"dynamic_elements_ids\";a:0:{}s:6:\"status\";s:4:\"file\";i:0;s:0:\"\";}'),(24370,5722,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(24371,5722,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(24372,5722,'_elementor_version','3.7.7'),(24373,5722,'_wp_page_template','default'),(24374,5722,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"e854393\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"stretch_section\":\"section-stretched\",\"background_background\":\"classic\",\"background_image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/blog1.jpg\",\"id\":4758,\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"},\"background_position\":\"initial\",\"background_repeat\":\"no-repeat\",\"background_size\":\"cover\",\"background_overlay_background\":\"classic\",\"background_overlay_color\":\"#000000\",\"background_overlay_opacity\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":0.409999999999999975575093458246556110680103302001953125,\"sizes\":[]},\"background_ypos\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":-216,\"sizes\":[]}},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"82bf9b1\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"d95d219\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"space\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":112,\"sizes\":[]}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"spacer\"},{\"id\":\"ade2076\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"subheading_text\":\"\",\"heading_text\":\"MamaM!a\",\"description_text\":\"\",\"heading_tag\":\"h1\",\"text_align\":\"center\",\"heading_color\":\"#FFFFFF\",\"heading_typography_typography\":\"custom\",\"heading_typography_font_size\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":60,\"sizes\":[]},\"heading_typography_font_size_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":40,\"sizes\":[]},\"heading_typography_letter_spacing\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":1.8000000000000000444089209850062616169452667236328125,\"sizes\":[]}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"cms_heading\"},{\"id\":\"a72ff32\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"space\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":125,\"sizes\":[]}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"spacer\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"22aae0e\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"margin\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"91\",\"right\":0,\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":0,\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b31baff\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"f7c748c\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"subheading_text\":\"Interviews\",\"heading_text\":\"MamaM!a\",\"description_text\":\"Click 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- source: Mamamia\",\"heading_text\":\"The 4 common \'blind spots\' in your relationship, and how to spot them\",\"description_text\":\"15 January 2023\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"cms_heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"dab5d10\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1fb5858\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3c137ff\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>You know those\\u00a0arguments you have with your partner\\u00a0that tend to go... absolutely nowhere?\\u00a0<\\/p><p>They don\'t understand your point of view; you don\'t understand theirs - and you go around in circles? And then you both convince yourselves that it\'s fixed and do it all over again a few months later??<\\/p><p>Sigh.<\\/p><p>That, friend, is what experts call a relationship \'blind spot\'.<\\/p><p>Basically, when you\'re both just not\\u00a0*getting*\\u00a0each other.<\\/p><p>We can suddenly get defensive, emotional, needy or just avoid the situation completely - all coping mechanisms we use to protect ourselves.<\\/p><p>According to couples counsellor\\u00a0<em>Lissy Abrahams<\\/em>, the causes of these blind spots and the ensuing coping mechanisms, go all the way back to your childhood.<\\/p><p>\\\"We were all shaped by our environment growing up more than we all know,\\\" explains Abrahams. \\\"It\\u2019s like there is a program from which we automatically run much of our lives and our relationships.\\\"\\u00a0<\\/p><p>\\\"What\\u2019s critical here, is that we cannot easily access the information for what shaped us, as it\\u2019s held unconsciously in our mind. For many of us, the information was encoded when young, before we even had words.\\\"<\\/p><p>Meaning? You and your partner have been\\u00a0shaped differently and basically run off different programs.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Enter: Conflict.<\\/p><p>\\\"As these are unconscious, both partners will have blind spots about how they\\u2019ve individually been programmed to relate.\'<\\/p><p>The worst part about it? \\\"Partners often have no idea of the extent to which their blind spots impact their own relationship.\\\" \\u00a0<\\/p><p>The thing is, though - we all have these blind spots. Every couple. And understanding them can help improve your relationship.<\\/p><p>That\'s why we\'re going to tell you exactly what to look for, along with what to do about it.<\\/p><p>Got that notepad ready?<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"39e47e0\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9601371\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"40a2ef6\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"What are the most common blind spots?\",\"header_size\":\"h3\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"1a672aa\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1b2d83f\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"728e302\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>The first thing you need to do? Identify said blind spots - because they can be difficult to notice. Especially because they\'re so ingrained into our own personality; they\'re essentially part of what makes you, \'you\'.<\\/p><p>And while we\'d all like to think our personalities and behaviour patterns are just fine, taking time to assess how certain things impact your relationship is only going to help your relationship in the long run.<\\/p><p>So, what are the most common kind of blind spots?<\\/p><p>According to Abrahams, there are four key ones to look out for:<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"d37ea4e\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a3a8a2f\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c83b3e5\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/1.png\",\"id\":3747,\"size\":\"\",\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e809336\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"5385820\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Relational templates\",\"header_size\":\"h4\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"19\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"99472d3\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1a191b1\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"bd6049f\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"ca46607\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>\\\"One of the greatest blind spots is that we don\\u2019t really understand how we have been programmed for relationships,\\\" said Abrahams. \\u00a0<\\/p><p>\\\"When we were children, we absorbed so much information, the happy and connected times, and the frightening or lonely times. Imagine that these experiences are encoded into a program (called a relational template)\\u00a0\\u2013\\u00a0that we run our relationships from throughout life.\\\"\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Relational templates are the foundation that hold our \\\"expectations, beliefs, opinions, and rules for how we should or shouldn\\u2019t behave and be treated in a relationship,\\\" said Abrahams.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>It\'s important to note that no two relationship templates are the same - we\'re all unique and \\\"made up of thousands and thousands of interactions with parents or caregivers.\\\" \\u00a0<\\/p><p>\\\"Our partner will have different templates which means there will always be a gap between theirs and ours.\\\"<\\/p><p>\\\"How partners navigate this gap is the difference between a safe and happy enough relationship and one that struggles.\\\" \\u00a0<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e38abdf\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"73b475f\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"e8bb6af\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/2.png\",\"id\":3748,\"size\":\"\",\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"cac690a\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2a1ac61\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Our threshold for distress tolerance\",\"header_size\":\"h4\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"19\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ea01749\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c45b950\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"4ab64ac\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"bb233e6\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>How you cope with this gap is key.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>\\\"It\\u2019s a massive blind spot for us if we can\\u2019t cope with or tolerate our anxious, overwhelmed or upset feelings that arise when faced with the gap between our relational template and our partner\\u2019s.\\\"\\u00a0<\\/p><p>\\\"At these times, we\\u2019ve hit our threshold and have distress intolerance. If partners can\\u2019t tolerate each other\\u2019s different relationship expectations, beliefs, opinions, and rules then they will definitely be triggered as this will feel unsafe.\\\"\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Abrahams goes on to say that partners will feel distressed, sad, lonely and overwhelmed if they experience their partner as:\\u00a0<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"4911280\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b2d11af\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"31fbb79\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"94a84a1\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"Speaking to them in a way they disapprove of. \",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"a79c006\"},{\"text\":\"Not celebrating their birthday with sufficient thought.  \",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"affc842\"},{\"text\":\"Not listening attentively or adequately.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"3da8356\"},{\"text\":\"Not supporting them sufficiently.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"446873b\"}]},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"32b9cda\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9bb49e4\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9ab28c6\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/3.png\",\"id\":3749,\"size\":\"\",\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"8ad8811\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"0623d42\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Our triggers\",\"header_size\":\"h4\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"19\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"1eb7eb5\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"164b761\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ffd6fbe\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6f2a8f0\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Another blind spot? When we don\\u2019t know what really triggers us and why, shares Abrahams.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>This constitutes any behaviour that might cause us to recall a traumatic or distressing emotional experience from the past, \\\"usually without any awareness of the original event\\\". \\u00a0<\\/p><p>Abrahams goes on to explain that we can be triggered by our partner\\u00a0who might not be able to identify these emotions as having originated in the past. \\\"They feel very present,\\\" she adds.<\\/p><p>\\\"When triggered by our partner\\u2019s words or actions, we can suddenly feel distressed or overwhelmed just like we did when we were a vulnerable child. These past experiences are still inside us, causing the experience with our partner to feel frightening, so we react using our survival response of fight-or-flight.\\\"<\\/p><p>Interesting,\\u00a0right?<\\/p><p>\\\"What triggers us with our partner will be linked to the information unconsciously held in our relational templates. If it wasn\\u2019t encoded in the template, we wouldn\\u2019t care so much.\\\"<\\/p><p>For example, \\\"If we feel our partner is disapproving of us, it would feel devastating because disapproval or, even worse, rejection, is in our template. We will typically react in fight-or-flight mode to this.\\\"\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Or, \\\"If we experience our partner as criticising, we will likely be triggered as being criticised as a child felt terrible and now feels overwhelming with our partner.\\\"<\\/p><p>Out of all the blind spots, this is one of the most major.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Abrahams essentially explains it as time travelling - where we get confused about what constitutes as feelings of the past and what is present.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>\\\"Just because our partner\\u2019s words or actions feel the same inside us as past events, doesn\\u2019t mean it is the same now.\\\"<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"1dfa117\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6c40081\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"5acfa65\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/4.png\",\"id\":3750,\"size\":\"\",\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"807d8b6\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c8a6982\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Our defence mechanisms\",\"header_size\":\"h4\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"19\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"f0a376a\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8d084a9\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"5218da5\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"66c5f77\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>When we get into an argument with our partner, we have mechanisms to protect ourselves - it could be denial, defensiveness, or just completely shutting down.<\\/p><p>\\\"Whenever we have gone into fight-or-flight due to our partner\\u2019s words or actions, we can unconsciously use ego defence mechanisms. These are a form of fight-or-flight (avoidance) and are a major blind spot in couple relationships, especially as they too are unconscious.\\\"<\\/p><p>Some common ego defence mechanisms are:\\u00a0<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ba2a312\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"36646bf\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"7933a7e\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8b3aaf8\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"Denial - \\\"Our mind blocks whatever we can\\u2019t accept at that moment to protect us from the emotional impact. This could be from the devastating news of a death, serious illness, or of a cheating spouse.\\\"  \",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"a79c006\"},{\"text\":\"Projection - \\\"We unconsciously disown parts of ourselves that we don\\u2019t like and \\u2018see\\u2019 them in others. For example, we may feel insecure about our career with a particular colleague. Instead of tolerating our insecurity, we look for negative qualities in them to make us feel better.\\\"  \",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"affc842\"},{\"text\":\"Regression - \\\"We revert to the behaviours or emotions of an earlier developmental age as we can\\u2019t tolerate the feelings inside us. With our partner, we may scream, cry, become petulant, sulk, complain, use a baby voice, or refuse to speak.\\\" \",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"3da8356\"},{\"text\":\"Intellectualisation - \\\"Making external excuses or justifications are also ways to avoid the emotional experience that is occurring.\\\"  \",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"446873b\"}]},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"d198914\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b1cdfbf\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"db0b197\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"How should you deal with relationship blind spots? \",\"header_size\":\"h3\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"a583eee\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"0acd529\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"d5a13eb\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>As we touched on before, the first and most important step is to assess your blind spots and take full responsibility for them.<\\/p><p>\\\"It\\u2019s not your partner\\u2019s fault how your relational template was shaped when you were young. They were not there.\\\"<\\/p><p>There are three ways to tackle this head-on.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"1705d59\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a2927f7\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"ad9fdc3\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/1.png\",\"id\":3747,\"size\":\"\",\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"081fc40\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"73bc81a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Therapy\",\"header_size\":\"h4\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"19\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"a2f78a2\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"d90af1b\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e13b164\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b894d1d\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<div class=\\\"article-content\\\" data-v-4cb6ee28=\\\"\\\"><div id=\\\"post-content-8\\\" class=\\\"post-content defaultClass\\\" data-v-4cb6ee28=\\\"\\\"><p>Going for therapy and seeing a professional will help you \\\"join the present with the past,\\\" said Abrahams. \\\"We have all\\u00a0been shaped\\u00a0differently and have our own unique relational templates.\\\"<\\/p><p>Abrahams goes on to say that talking with a professional can help you understand \\\"how your relational templates from childhood still operate inside you today. Are you clingy? Mistrusting? Secretive? Why?\\\"<\\/p><p>She said it can also help clarify how and why you react to your partner as you do. \\\"What are your triggers and what ego defence mechanisms do you use?\\\" \\u00a0<\\/p><\\/div><\\/div>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"7d89502\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"90923a2\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"49484f4\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/2.png\",\"id\":3748,\"size\":\"\",\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ff368e4\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"f6340e8\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Resources\",\"header_size\":\"h4\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"19\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"42a9a44\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"add9796\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"31c5cdb\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c464e50\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<div class=\\\"article-content\\\" data-v-4cb6ee28=\\\"\\\"><div id=\\\"post-content-8\\\" class=\\\"post-content defaultClass\\\" data-v-4cb6ee28=\\\"\\\"><p>\\\"Some online courses, podcasts and books can also help you identify triggers and ego defence mechanisms.\\\" \\u00a0<\\/p><\\/div><\\/div>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ec1d544\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8167b96\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"34f954b\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/3.png\",\"id\":3749,\"size\":\"\",\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"002f636\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"0b30f67\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Calming the nervous system\",\"header_size\":\"h4\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"19\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"95a3e6c\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"044f06e\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"9e386c1\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"401b17b\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<div class=\\\"article-content\\\" data-v-4cb6ee28=\\\"\\\"><div id=\\\"post-content-8\\\" class=\\\"post-content defaultClass\\\" data-v-4cb6ee28=\\\"\\\"><p>\\\"Repeatedly going into fight-or-flight mode can make your nervous system jumpy. Breathing exercises and\\/or mindfulness are great tools for calming it down and increasing your threshold for distress tolerance.\\\" \\u00a0<\\/p><p>So, get into that meditation!<\\/p><p>\\\"Our blind spots leave us exposed to being triggered by our partner. The more we understand how we\\u2019ve been programmed, the more we can look after our relationship.\\\"<\\/p><p><em>Want to hear more from Lissy Abrahams? Here\'s a link to her\\u00a0<strong><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><a style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\" href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/service\\/how-our-ego-harms-couple-relationships\\/\\\">e-book.<\\/a><\\/span><\\/strong><\\/em><\\/p><p><em>Can you identify any of these blind spots in your relationship? Share your thoughts in the comment section below.<\\/em><\\/p><p><em>Feature image: Getty<\\/em><\\/p><\\/div><\\/div>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(24403,5725,'_thumbnail_id','5715'),(24404,5725,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(24405,5725,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(24406,5725,'_elementor_css','a:6:{s:4:\"time\";i:1676437964;s:5:\"fonts\";a:0:{}s:5:\"icons\";a:1:{i:0;s:8:\"fa-solid\";}s:20:\"dynamic_elements_ids\";a:0:{}s:6:\"status\";s:4:\"file\";i:0;s:0:\"\";}'),(24407,5726,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(24408,5726,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(24409,5726,'_elementor_version','3.11.0'),(24410,5726,'_wp_page_template','default'),(24411,5726,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"e854393\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"stretch_section\":\"section-stretched\",\"background_background\":\"classic\",\"background_image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/Stop-Couple-Conflict.png\",\"id\":5378,\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"},\"background_position\":\"initial\",\"background_repeat\":\"no-repeat\",\"background_size\":\"cover\",\"background_overlay_background\":\"classic\",\"background_overlay_color\":\"#000000\",\"background_overlay_opacity\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":0.409999999999999975575093458246556110680103302001953125,\"sizes\":[]},\"background_ypos\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":-207,\"sizes\":[]},\"background_xpos\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":7,\"sizes\":[]}},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"82bf9b1\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"d95d219\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"space\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":112,\"sizes\":[]}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"spacer\"},{\"id\":\"ade2076\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"subheading_text\":\"\",\"heading_text\":\"Mamam!a\",\"description_text\":\"\",\"heading_tag\":\"h1\",\"text_align\":\"center\",\"heading_color\":\"#FFFFFF\",\"heading_typography_typography\":\"custom\",\"heading_typography_font_size\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":60,\"sizes\":[]},\"heading_typography_font_size_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":40,\"sizes\":[]},\"heading_typography_letter_spacing\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":1.8000000000000000444089209850062616169452667236328125,\"sizes\":[]}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"cms_heading\"},{\"id\":\"a72ff32\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"space\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":125,\"sizes\":[]}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"spacer\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"22aae0e\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"margin\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"91\",\"right\":0,\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":0,\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b31baff\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"f7c748c\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"subheading_text\":\"Article - source: Mamamia\",\"heading_text\":\"The 4 common \'blind spots\' in your relationship, and how to spot them\",\"description_text\":\"15 January 2023\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"cms_heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"dab5d10\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1fb5858\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3c137ff\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>You know those\\u00a0arguments you have with your partner\\u00a0that tend to go... absolutely nowhere?\\u00a0<\\/p><p>They don\'t understand your point of view; you don\'t understand theirs - and you go around in circles? And then you both convince yourselves that it\'s fixed and do it all over again a few months later??<\\/p><p>Sigh.<\\/p><p>That, friend, is what experts call a relationship \'blind spot\'.<\\/p><p>Basically, when you\'re both just not\\u00a0*getting*\\u00a0each other.<\\/p><p>We can suddenly get defensive, emotional, needy or just avoid the situation completely - all coping mechanisms we use to protect ourselves.<\\/p><p>According to couples counsellor\\u00a0<em>Lissy Abrahams<\\/em>, the causes of these blind spots and the ensuing coping mechanisms, go all the way back to your childhood.<\\/p><p>\\\"We were all shaped by our environment growing up more than we all know,\\\" explains Abrahams. \\\"It\\u2019s like there is a program from which we automatically run much of our lives and our relationships.\\\"\\u00a0<\\/p><p>\\\"What\\u2019s critical here, is that we cannot easily access the information for what shaped us, as it\\u2019s held unconsciously in our mind. For many of us, the information was encoded when young, before we even had words.\\\"<\\/p><p>Meaning? You and your partner have been\\u00a0shaped differently and basically run off different programs.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Enter: Conflict.<\\/p><p>\\\"As these are unconscious, both partners will have blind spots about how they\\u2019ve individually been programmed to relate.\'<\\/p><p>The worst part about it? \\\"Partners often have no idea of the extent to which their blind spots impact their own relationship.\\\" \\u00a0<\\/p><p>The thing is, though - we all have these blind spots. Every couple. And understanding them can help improve your relationship.<\\/p><p>That\'s why we\'re going to tell you exactly what to look for, along with what to do about it.<\\/p><p>Got that notepad ready?<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"39e47e0\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9601371\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"40a2ef6\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"What are the most common blind spots?\",\"header_size\":\"h3\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"1a672aa\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1b2d83f\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"728e302\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>The first thing you need to do? Identify said blind spots - because they can be difficult to notice. Especially because they\'re so ingrained into our own personality; they\'re essentially part of what makes you, \'you\'.<\\/p><p>And while we\'d all like to think our personalities and behaviour patterns are just fine, taking time to assess how certain things impact your relationship is only going to help your relationship in the long run.<\\/p><p>So, what are the most common kind of blind spots?<\\/p><p>According to Abrahams, there are four key ones to look out for:<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"d37ea4e\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a3a8a2f\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c83b3e5\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/1.png\",\"id\":3747,\"size\":\"\",\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e809336\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"5385820\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Relational templates\",\"header_size\":\"h4\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"19\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"99472d3\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1a191b1\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"bd6049f\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"ca46607\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>\\\"One of the greatest blind spots is that we don\\u2019t really understand how we have been programmed for relationships,\\\" said Abrahams. \\u00a0<\\/p><p>\\\"When we were children, we absorbed so much information, the happy and connected times, and the frightening or lonely times. Imagine that these experiences are encoded into a program (called a relational template)\\u00a0\\u2013\\u00a0that we run our relationships from throughout life.\\\"\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Relational templates are the foundation that hold our \\\"expectations, beliefs, opinions, and rules for how we should or shouldn\\u2019t behave and be treated in a relationship,\\\" said Abrahams.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>It\'s important to note that no two relationship templates are the same - we\'re all unique and \\\"made up of thousands and thousands of interactions with parents or caregivers.\\\" \\u00a0<\\/p><p>\\\"Our partner will have different templates which means there will always be a gap between theirs and ours.\\\"<\\/p><p>\\\"How partners navigate this gap is the difference between a safe and happy enough relationship and one that struggles.\\\" \\u00a0<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e38abdf\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"73b475f\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"e8bb6af\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/2.png\",\"id\":3748,\"size\":\"\",\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"cac690a\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2a1ac61\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Our threshold for distress tolerance\",\"header_size\":\"h4\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"19\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ea01749\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c45b950\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"4ab64ac\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"bb233e6\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>How you cope with this gap is key.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>\\\"It\\u2019s a massive blind spot for us if we can\\u2019t cope with or tolerate our anxious, overwhelmed or upset feelings that arise when faced with the gap between our relational template and our partner\\u2019s.\\\"\\u00a0<\\/p><p>\\\"At these times, we\\u2019ve hit our threshold and have distress intolerance. If partners can\\u2019t tolerate each other\\u2019s different relationship expectations, beliefs, opinions, and rules then they will definitely be triggered as this will feel unsafe.\\\"\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Abrahams goes on to say that partners will feel distressed, sad, lonely and overwhelmed if they experience their partner as:\\u00a0<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"4911280\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b2d11af\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"31fbb79\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"94a84a1\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"Speaking to them in a way they disapprove of. \",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"a79c006\"},{\"text\":\"Not celebrating their birthday with sufficient thought.  \",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"affc842\"},{\"text\":\"Not listening attentively or adequately.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"3da8356\"},{\"text\":\"Not supporting them sufficiently.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"446873b\"}]},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"32b9cda\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9bb49e4\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9ab28c6\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/3.png\",\"id\":3749,\"size\":\"\",\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"8ad8811\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"0623d42\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Our triggers\",\"header_size\":\"h4\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"19\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"1eb7eb5\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"164b761\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ffd6fbe\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6f2a8f0\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Another blind spot? When we don\\u2019t know what really triggers us and why, shares Abrahams.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>This constitutes any behaviour that might cause us to recall a traumatic or distressing emotional experience from the past, \\\"usually without any awareness of the original event\\\". \\u00a0<\\/p><p>Abrahams goes on to explain that we can be triggered by our partner\\u00a0who might not be able to identify these emotions as having originated in the past. \\\"They feel very present,\\\" she adds.<\\/p><p>\\\"When triggered by our partner\\u2019s words or actions, we can suddenly feel distressed or overwhelmed just like we did when we were a vulnerable child. These past experiences are still inside us, causing the experience with our partner to feel frightening, so we react using our survival response of fight-or-flight.\\\"<\\/p><p>Interesting,\\u00a0right?<\\/p><p>\\\"What triggers us with our partner will be linked to the information unconsciously held in our relational templates. If it wasn\\u2019t encoded in the template, we wouldn\\u2019t care so much.\\\"<\\/p><p>For example, \\\"If we feel our partner is disapproving of us, it would feel devastating because disapproval or, even worse, rejection, is in our template. We will typically react in fight-or-flight mode to this.\\\"\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Or, \\\"If we experience our partner as criticising, we will likely be triggered as being criticised as a child felt terrible and now feels overwhelming with our partner.\\\"<\\/p><p>Out of all the blind spots, this is one of the most major.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Abrahams essentially explains it as time travelling - where we get confused about what constitutes as feelings of the past and what is present.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>\\\"Just because our partner\\u2019s words or actions feel the same inside us as past events, doesn\\u2019t mean it is the same now.\\\"<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"1dfa117\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6c40081\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"5acfa65\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/4.png\",\"id\":3750,\"size\":\"\",\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"807d8b6\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c8a6982\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Our defence mechanisms\",\"header_size\":\"h4\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"19\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"f0a376a\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8d084a9\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"5218da5\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"66c5f77\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>When we get into an argument with our partner, we have mechanisms to protect ourselves - it could be denial, defensiveness, or just completely shutting down.<\\/p><p>\\\"Whenever we have gone into fight-or-flight due to our partner\\u2019s words or actions, we can unconsciously use ego defence mechanisms. These are a form of fight-or-flight (avoidance) and are a major blind spot in couple relationships, especially as they too are unconscious.\\\"<\\/p><p>Some common ego defence mechanisms are:\\u00a0<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ba2a312\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"36646bf\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"7933a7e\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8b3aaf8\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"Denial - \\\"Our mind blocks whatever we can\\u2019t accept at that moment to protect us from the emotional impact. This could be from the devastating news of a death, serious illness, or of a cheating spouse.\\\"  \",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"a79c006\"},{\"text\":\"Projection - \\\"We unconsciously disown parts of ourselves that we don\\u2019t like and \\u2018see\\u2019 them in others. For example, we may feel insecure about our career with a particular colleague. Instead of tolerating our insecurity, we look for negative qualities in them to make us feel better.\\\"  \",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"affc842\"},{\"text\":\"Regression - \\\"We revert to the behaviours or emotions of an earlier developmental age as we can\\u2019t tolerate the feelings inside us. With our partner, we may scream, cry, become petulant, sulk, complain, use a baby voice, or refuse to speak.\\\" \",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"3da8356\"},{\"text\":\"Intellectualisation - \\\"Making external excuses or justifications are also ways to avoid the emotional experience that is occurring.\\\"  \",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"446873b\"}]},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"d198914\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b1cdfbf\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"db0b197\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"How should you deal with relationship blind spots? \",\"header_size\":\"h3\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"a583eee\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"0acd529\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"d5a13eb\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>As we touched on before, the first and most important step is to assess your blind spots and take full responsibility for them.<\\/p><p>\\\"It\\u2019s not your partner\\u2019s fault how your relational template was shaped when you were young. They were not there.\\\"<\\/p><p>There are three ways to tackle this head-on.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"1705d59\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a2927f7\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"ad9fdc3\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/1.png\",\"id\":3747,\"size\":\"\",\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"081fc40\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"73bc81a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Therapy\",\"header_size\":\"h4\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"19\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"a2f78a2\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"d90af1b\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e13b164\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b894d1d\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<div class=\\\"article-content\\\" data-v-4cb6ee28=\\\"\\\"><div id=\\\"post-content-8\\\" class=\\\"post-content defaultClass\\\" data-v-4cb6ee28=\\\"\\\"><p>Going for therapy and seeing a professional will help you \\\"join the present with the past,\\\" said Abrahams. \\\"We have all\\u00a0been shaped\\u00a0differently and have our own unique relational templates.\\\"<\\/p><p>Abrahams goes on to say that talking with a professional can help you understand \\\"how your relational templates from childhood still operate inside you today. Are you clingy? Mistrusting? Secretive? Why?\\\"<\\/p><p>She said it can also help clarify how and why you react to your partner as you do. \\\"What are your triggers and what ego defence mechanisms do you use?\\\" \\u00a0<\\/p><\\/div><\\/div>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"7d89502\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"90923a2\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"49484f4\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/2.png\",\"id\":3748,\"size\":\"\",\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ff368e4\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"f6340e8\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Resources\",\"header_size\":\"h4\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"19\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"42a9a44\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"add9796\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"31c5cdb\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c464e50\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<div class=\\\"article-content\\\" data-v-4cb6ee28=\\\"\\\"><div id=\\\"post-content-8\\\" class=\\\"post-content defaultClass\\\" data-v-4cb6ee28=\\\"\\\"><p>\\\"Some online courses, podcasts and books can also help you identify triggers and ego defence mechanisms.\\\" \\u00a0<\\/p><\\/div><\\/div>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ec1d544\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8167b96\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"34f954b\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/3.png\",\"id\":3749,\"size\":\"\",\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"002f636\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"0b30f67\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Calming the nervous system\",\"header_size\":\"h4\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"19\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"95a3e6c\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"044f06e\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"9e386c1\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"401b17b\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<div class=\\\"article-content\\\" data-v-4cb6ee28=\\\"\\\"><div id=\\\"post-content-8\\\" class=\\\"post-content defaultClass\\\" data-v-4cb6ee28=\\\"\\\"><p>\\\"Repeatedly going into fight-or-flight mode can make your nervous system jumpy. Breathing exercises and\\/or mindfulness are great tools for calming it down and increasing your threshold for distress tolerance.\\\" \\u00a0<\\/p><p>So, get into that meditation!<\\/p><p>\\\"Our blind spots leave us exposed to being triggered by our partner. The more we understand how we\\u2019ve been programmed, the more we can look after our relationship.\\\"<\\/p><p><em>Want to hear more from Lissy Abrahams? Here\'s a link to her\\u00a0<strong><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><a style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\" href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/service\\/how-our-ego-harms-couple-relationships\\/\\\">e-book.<\\/a><\\/span><\\/strong><\\/em><\\/p><p><em>Can you identify any of these blind spots in your relationship? 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