[{"id":"e854393","elType":"section","settings":{"stretch_section":"section-stretched","background_background":"classic","background_image":{"url":"https:\/\/www.lissyabrahams.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/shutterstock_1108778102.jpg","id":4999,"alt":"","source":"library"},"background_position":"initial","background_repeat":"no-repeat","background_size":"cover","background_overlay_background":"classic","background_overlay_color":"#000000","background_overlay_opacity":{"unit":"px","size":0.409999999999999975575093458246556110680103302001953125,"sizes":[]},"background_ypos":{"unit":"px","size":-438,"sizes":[]},"background_xpos":{"unit":"px","size":7,"sizes":[]}},"elements":[{"id":"82bf9b1","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":100,"_inline_size":null},"elements":[{"id":"d95d219","elType":"widget","settings":{"space":{"unit":"px","size":112,"sizes":[]}},"elements":[],"widgetType":"spacer"},{"id":"ade2076","elType":"widget","settings":{"subheading_text":"","heading_text":"MamaM!a","description_text":"","heading_tag":"h1","text_align":"center","heading_color":"#FFFFFF","heading_typography_typography":"custom","heading_typography_font_size":{"unit":"px","size":60,"sizes":[]},"heading_typography_font_size_mobile":{"unit":"px","size":40,"sizes":[]},"heading_typography_letter_spacing":{"unit":"px","size":1.8000000000000000444089209850062616169452667236328125,"sizes":[]}},"elements":[],"widgetType":"cms_heading"},{"id":"a72ff32","elType":"widget","settings":{"space":{"unit":"px","size":125,"sizes":[]}},"elements":[],"widgetType":"spacer"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"22aae0e","elType":"section","settings":{"margin":{"unit":"px","top":"91","right":0,"bottom":"0","left":0,"isLinked":false}},"elements":[{"id":"b31baff","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":100,"_inline_size":null},"elements":[{"id":"f7c748c","elType":"widget","settings":{"subheading_text":"Article - source: Mamamia","heading_text":"The Relationship Theory About \u2018The One after THE ONE\u2019 That Changes Everything","description_text":"26 November 2021"},"elements":[],"widgetType":"cms_heading"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"dab5d10","elType":"section","settings":[],"elements":[{"id":"1fb5858","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":100,"_inline_size":null},"elements":[{"id":"3c137ff","elType":"widget","settings":{"editor":"<p>You don\u2019t have to be a fan of\u00a0<em>Keeping Up With The Kardashians\u00a0<\/em>to know all about\u00a0Kourtney Kardashian\u2019s recent engagement to Travis Barker. It\u2019s EVERYWHERE. Mostly because everyone was convinced she would FINALLY end up with\u00a0Scott Disick.<\/p><p>ICYMI (where have you been?), the pair shared a rocky as hell relationship for years, and have three kids together.<\/p><p>She was single; he was single \u2013 eventually they would get back together and work it all out. No?<\/p><p>Instead, the eldest Kardashian left the back-and-forth relationship with Disick and found Barker \u2013 to whom she is now engaged.<\/p><p>And according to experts, this kind of roadmap is actually quite common in relationships.<\/p><p>Couples counsellor\u00a0Lissy Abrahams\u00a0said that these days we\u2019re becoming more aware than ever of what we want (and expect) from a relationship.<\/p><p>\u201cThe \u2018one after the one\u2019 occurs when we believed that\u00a0we were with the person we\u2019d spend the rest of our lives with, and made a declaration to ourselves, our partner, and others,\u201d explains Abrahams.<\/p><p>\u201cOver time, we realised that they\u2019re not actually \u2018the one\u2019. A separation occurs, and then we meet someone else, who we now declare is \u2018the one\u2019.\u201d<\/p><p>By tapping into how we feel with our partner, and being aware of the emotional experiences we want to have in our relationship, Abrahams said this means we are less likely to stay with what doesn\u2019t actually feel right enough.<\/p><p>\u201cMany of us work hard to get the relationship on track and we take our commitment seriously, however, if it isn\u2019t working to meet enough of our needs, we\u2019re more able to let it go these days instead of settling.\u201d<\/p><p>But in order to understand the different factors underlying the one after \u2018the one\u2019, we need to first understand why we create \u2018the one\u2019\u00a0in the first place.<\/p><p>According to Abrahams, most people create a \u2018specialness fantasy\u2019 about their prospective partner at the beginning of their relationship \u2013 and it\u2019s during this time that we tend to\u00a0offer up\u00a0the best of ourselves.<\/p><p>\u201cWe are considerate, well-groomed, interesting, intelligent, and funny. We want them to view us positively and to continue to find us special. We do our best so they consider us worthy of being their \u2018one\u2019,\u201d said Abrahams.<\/p><p>\u201cWhen we have an inkling that we may be with \u2018the one\u2019 we often assess their qualities rather glowingly. However, we also ignore, dismiss, or downplay information that may not quite fit with the narrative of our prospective partner\u2019s wonderfulness and specialness.\u201d<\/p><p>\u201cWe both do this as we want to get this relationship over the line. The whole future of the relationship depends on this, as no one wants to commit to a \u2018normal\u2019 or \u2018ordinary\u2019 relationship.\u201d<\/p><p>INTERESTING.<\/p><p>Abrahams said that often the \u2018specialness fantasy\u2019 fades, allowing you to become more aware of the emotional experiences that might be lacking.<\/p><p>\u201cWe thought the lingering looks, acrobatic sex, and interesting discussions would last longer. The life we thought we\u2019d have together isn\u2019t quite transpiring. We may feel bored, unseen, undesirable. We may sometimes feel some niggles, or even dread. And these may be communicated to our partner via resentment or criticism.\u201d<\/p><p>When this happens, people will then usually end their relationship because it isn\u2019t honouring what is most important to them in a committed relationship.<\/p><p>\u201cThen we meet someone else, and they become special in our eyes. We create another specialness fantasy as, once again, we don\u2019t want to commit to someone ordinary and we need to create long-term care and safety with them.\u201d<\/p><p>Once we\u2019re able to find if we\u2019re in a healthy, reliable relationship with this person, Abraham said we are able to \u201ccommit to \u2018the one after the one\u2019.\u201d<\/p><p>So, does this mean we need to experience relationships that\u00a0don\u2019t\u00a0work for us to understand what we actually want and desire?<\/p><p>Here, we asked three women who ended up with the one after \u2018the one\u2019 to share their stories.<\/p>"},"elements":[],"widgetType":"text-editor"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"05d67e9","elType":"section","settings":[],"elements":[{"id":"dddd653","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":100,"_inline_size":null},"elements":[{"id":"b97ba78","elType":"widget","settings":{"title":"Lana","header_size":"h3","_padding":{"unit":"px","top":"8","right":"0","bottom":"0","left":"0","isLinked":false}},"elements":[],"widgetType":"heading"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"52c9ccf","elType":"section","settings":[],"elements":[{"id":"1f71192","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":100,"_inline_size":null},"elements":[{"id":"b6411ec","elType":"widget","settings":{"editor":"<p>\u201cAfter years of casual dating through the apps, I met *Ezra in broad daylight in person, which at the time I put down to \u201cfate\u201d. He played me hot and cold for months, keeping me at arm\u2019s length then love bombing me, and I was addicted to the drama of it.<\/p><p>He brought out a side of me that made me passionate and furious and desperate for his love, and I honestly thought he was the one for me because love meant you had to struggle this hard, and in the end, they would be worth it \u2013 I\u2019d have earned him. This kind of love was supposed to be fiery and addictive, right? I thought he was like the unavailable \u201cBig\u201d to my \u201cCarrie\u201d and we\u00a0were destined to keep doing this until we settled down.<\/p><p>He kept saying we were supposed to be together and that he loved me more than any woman he\u2019d ever dated; that I was different and together we were different \u2013 he would stop with his previous behaviour and be better for me.<\/p><p>I eventually discovered that he\u2019d cheated on me with multiple women and cut all ties with him, which was so painful at first, mostly because it was losing something I\u2019d worked so hard for\u2026 but ultimately really empowering, even all these years later. Only a month after that I jumped back on the [dating] apps and met *Joel.<\/p><p>In Joel\u2019s company I was the opposite of what I was with Ezra \u2013 calm and at ease, confident with myself rather than anxious about not being a version of me he wanted. Everything was effortless. I never had to question his feelings, or that we were doing this \u201cat the right time\u201d for either of us. After a month we said \u201cI love you\u201d (and meant it), and within a year we were engaged.<\/p>"},"elements":[],"widgetType":"text-editor"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"9736d49","elType":"section","settings":[],"elements":[{"id":"722747a","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":100,"_inline_size":null},"elements":[{"id":"a008783","elType":"widget","settings":{"title":"Emma","header_size":"h3","_padding":{"unit":"px","top":"08","right":"0","bottom":"0","left":"0","isLinked":false}},"elements":[],"widgetType":"heading"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"926dd8b","elType":"section","settings":[],"elements":[{"id":"7df8d29","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":100,"_inline_size":null},"elements":[{"id":"fa21e62","elType":"widget","settings":{"editor":"<p>I\u2019m engaged, and my fiance was definitely the one after who I thought was the one! I dated this guy all the way through high school and uni \u2013 we made it to my final year, doing the long-distance thing and travelling between each other\u2019s universities (which were on opposite sides of England) every couple of weeks.<\/p><p>We were together until I was 21 when I found out he\u2019d been cheating on me the whole time (I would now not recommend long-distance university relationships!). We broke up, I graduated, moved in with my parents for a bit\u00a0then relocated to London to get a job.<\/p><p>I moved into a flat with four strangers and eventually ended up going out with one of the guys! We moved into a flat of our own in London, moved to Sydney together in 2017, got engaged in the middle of COVID at the end of last year and (as long as the world stops going mad) will now be getting married in July 2023.<\/p>"},"elements":[],"widgetType":"text-editor"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"530415b","elType":"section","settings":[],"elements":[{"id":"2293c5b","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":100,"_inline_size":null},"elements":[{"id":"0dd095c","elType":"widget","settings":{"title":"Yvette","header_size":"h3","_padding":{"unit":"px","top":"8","right":"0","bottom":"0","left":"0","isLinked":false}},"elements":[],"widgetType":"heading"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"66c410b","elType":"section","settings":[],"elements":[{"id":"aabb8dc","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":100,"_inline_size":null},"elements":[{"id":"cdb8620","elType":"widget","settings":{"editor":"<p>Luke and I started dating when we were in high school \u2013 he was my first \u2018proper\u2019 boyfriend. We shared a lot of the same friends, and after school, we remained in quite a tight-knit group. We dated for almost 10 years before I realised it was no longer the relationship for me.<\/p><p>He really wanted to settle down, and for me \u2013 it just didn\u2019t feel right. I was still young and wanted to have fun. We went on a break and ended up going our separate ways \u2013 which was hard as we would often still see each other at group events.<\/p><p>I ended up meeting Aaron a few months after we broke up \u2013 and it just felt really right. For me, he was definitely the one after \u2018the one\u2019. Within a year, we had a baby and got engaged \u2013 it all just happened so naturally, and everything kind of fell into place. We\u2019ve now been married for five years and have two kids.<\/p>"},"elements":[],"widgetType":"text-editor"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"a3d42ea","elType":"section","settings":[],"elements":[{"id":"96d007c","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":100,"_inline_size":null},"elements":[{"id":"3855afa","elType":"widget","settings":{"title":"How to tell if you\u2019re with \u2018the one\u2019\n","header_size":"h3","_padding":{"unit":"px","top":"8","right":"0","bottom":"0","left":"0","isLinked":false}},"elements":[],"widgetType":"heading"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"c87b820","elType":"section","settings":{"margin":{"unit":"px","top":"0","right":0,"bottom":"0","left":0,"isLinked":false}},"elements":[{"id":"a7daeee","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":100,"_inline_size":null},"elements":[{"id":"35ba72b","elType":"widget","settings":{"editor":"<p>Wo-woa-woah! Before you go breaking hearts, read this.<\/p><p>If you think you might be with \u2018the one\u2019 before the one, Abrahams recommends following these six tips...<\/p>"},"elements":[],"widgetType":"text-editor"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"40e5298","elType":"section","settings":{"structure":"20"},"elements":[{"id":"af86c6b","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":50,"_inline_size":10.6839999999999992752464095246978104114532470703125},"elements":[{"id":"356153a","elType":"widget","settings":{"image":{"url":"https:\/\/www.lissyabrahams.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/1.png","id":3747,"alt":"","source":"library"}},"elements":[],"widgetType":"image"}],"isInner":false},{"id":"448759f","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":50,"_inline_size":89.316000000000002501110429875552654266357421875},"elements":[{"id":"8be43cc","elType":"widget","settings":{"title":"Listen to yourself","header_size":"h3","_padding":{"unit":"px","top":"17","right":"0","bottom":"0","left":"0","isLinked":false},"title_color":"#BA9664"},"elements":[],"widgetType":"heading"},{"id":"aecec6a","elType":"widget","settings":{"editor":"<p>\u201cImagine dropping a microphone inside your mind and turning the volume up to what your voice is really telling you. How happy are you? How unhappy are you? Is this too far away from what you thought the relationship would be like? How often do the niggles or even dread about the relationship appear?\u201d<\/p><p>\u201cBe honest with yourself. The voice in your head is your ego, and it can harm your couple relationship. Before making the decision to exit, just make sure that your ego is not the cause of your unhappiness.\u201d<\/p>","_padding":{"unit":"px","top":"10","right":"0","bottom":"0","left":"0","isLinked":false}},"elements":[],"widgetType":"text-editor"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"6b5860d","elType":"section","settings":{"structure":"20"},"elements":[{"id":"af3248f","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":50,"_inline_size":10.6839999999999992752464095246978104114532470703125},"elements":[{"id":"ea183a5","elType":"widget","settings":{"image":{"url":"https:\/\/www.lissyabrahams.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/2.png","id":3748,"alt":"","source":"library"}},"elements":[],"widgetType":"image"}],"isInner":false},{"id":"c274cb0","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":50,"_inline_size":89.316000000000002501110429875552654266357421875},"elements":[{"id":"1086c27","elType":"widget","settings":{"title":"Understand the origins","header_size":"h3","_padding":{"unit":"px","top":"17","right":"0","bottom":"0","left":"0","isLinked":false},"title_color":"#BA9664"},"elements":[],"widgetType":"heading"},{"id":"abef04f","elType":"widget","settings":{"editor":"<p>How much of it is about your partner and your relationship? Abraham said we\u2019re often shaped by previous relationships with parents and other experiences, which shape our expectations and beliefs.<\/p><p>\u201cSome of these experiences remain unhealed or unresolved inside us, and we see the problem as emanating from our partner, not ourselves. This is linked to our ego. Our ego can cause us to project inadequacy onto our partner, and see their faults and limitations, whilst making ourselves faultless.\u201d<\/p><p>\u201cIf you find any of this is familiar, get help from a therapist to sort this out before you decide to leave your partner. Your ego will remain unchecked, and the unhealed parts will seep into your next relationship. What we don\u2019t know about ourselves can hurt us and our relationship.\u201d<\/p>","_padding":{"unit":"px","top":"10","right":"0","bottom":"0","left":"0","isLinked":false}},"elements":[],"widgetType":"text-editor"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"a9cd573","elType":"section","settings":{"structure":"20"},"elements":[{"id":"e90bd95","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":50,"_inline_size":10.6839999999999992752464095246978104114532470703125},"elements":[{"id":"c1efa90","elType":"widget","settings":{"image":{"url":"https:\/\/www.lissyabrahams.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/3.png","id":3749,"alt":"","source":"library"}},"elements":[],"widgetType":"image"}],"isInner":false},{"id":"0c6d564","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":50,"_inline_size":89.316000000000002501110429875552654266357421875},"elements":[{"id":"d6c3870","elType":"widget","settings":{"title":"See it as a vehicle for development","header_size":"h3","_padding":{"unit":"px","top":"17","right":"0","bottom":"0","left":"0","isLinked":false},"title_color":"#BA9664"},"elements":[],"widgetType":"heading"},{"id":"26b17e3","elType":"widget","settings":{"editor":"<p>\u201cThink of this as a mirror to explore what this is in yourself. It\u2019s as if our partner\u2019s words, behaviour, or actions have tugged at a vulnerable or sensitive part of us. Be curious about this inside of yourself.\u201d<\/p>","_padding":{"unit":"px","top":"10","right":"0","bottom":"0","left":"0","isLinked":false}},"elements":[],"widgetType":"text-editor"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"c4aa04f","elType":"section","settings":{"structure":"20"},"elements":[{"id":"887e352","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":50,"_inline_size":10.6839999999999992752464095246978104114532470703125},"elements":[{"id":"f407a77","elType":"widget","settings":{"image":{"url":"https:\/\/www.lissyabrahams.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/4.png","id":3750,"alt":"","source":"library"}},"elements":[],"widgetType":"image"}],"isInner":false},{"id":"20d9ccb","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":50,"_inline_size":89.316000000000002501110429875552654266357421875},"elements":[{"id":"36e603c","elType":"widget","settings":{"title":"Locate your fears","header_size":"h3","_padding":{"unit":"px","top":"17","right":"0","bottom":"0","left":"0","isLinked":false},"title_color":"#BA9664"},"elements":[],"widgetType":"heading"},{"id":"b092fd4","elType":"widget","settings":{"editor":"<p>Fear can hold us in a relationship that we know isn\u2019t quite right for us.<\/p><p>Whether it\u2019s the fear of a breakup, fear of being alone, fear of feeling shame or humiliation of the relationship \u2018failing\u2019, Abrahams said to be honest with yourself and ask yourself if you can solve them another way.<\/p><p>\u201cHow much of your fear is a story of fear, as opposed to reality? It can be very helpful to speak to wise people you know in your community or seek help with a therapist to work through your fears and where they come from,\u201d she advises.<\/p>","_padding":{"unit":"px","top":"10","right":"0","bottom":"0","left":"0","isLinked":false}},"elements":[],"widgetType":"text-editor"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"8ff0237","elType":"section","settings":{"structure":"20"},"elements":[{"id":"9868d03","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":50,"_inline_size":10.6839999999999992752464095246978104114532470703125},"elements":[{"id":"adbce57","elType":"widget","settings":{"image":{"url":"https:\/\/www.lissyabrahams.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/5.png","id":3751,"alt":"","source":"library"}},"elements":[],"widgetType":"image"}],"isInner":false},{"id":"dad9d3d","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":50,"_inline_size":89.316000000000002501110429875552654266357421875},"elements":[{"id":"d3345d4","elType":"widget","settings":{"title":"Be aware of feeling like you\u2019re not getting a return on your investment","header_size":"h3","_padding":{"unit":"px","top":"17","right":"0","bottom":"0","left":"0","isLinked":false},"title_color":"#BA9664"},"elements":[],"widgetType":"heading"},{"id":"783978e","elType":"widget","settings":{"editor":"<p>According to Abrahams, many people will stay in the relationship purely because they want a return on their investment.<\/p><p>\u201cWe have put our heart and soul into making this work. We\u2019ve invested financially, years of our lives, our minds, and our love, shared friends and family. We may believe that walking away doesn\u2019t give us the return on our investment as we wanted.\u201d<\/p><p>\u201cThis could be a future together, children, a family unit, a home, financial stability, or the extended family and friends we now have together. There can be much to lose that can hold us in our relationship.\u201d<\/p>","_padding":{"unit":"px","top":"10","right":"0","bottom":"0","left":"0","isLinked":false}},"elements":[],"widgetType":"text-editor"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"1245467","elType":"section","settings":{"structure":"20"},"elements":[{"id":"2f3b04d","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":50,"_inline_size":10.6839999999999992752464095246978104114532470703125},"elements":[{"id":"5dfcbec","elType":"widget","settings":{"image":{"url":"https:\/\/www.lissyabrahams.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/6.png","id":3742,"alt":"","source":"library"}},"elements":[],"widgetType":"image"}],"isInner":false},{"id":"b439198","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":50,"_inline_size":89.316000000000002501110429875552654266357421875},"elements":[{"id":"c84fe84","elType":"widget","settings":{"title":"Don\u2019t be afraid to disturb the status quo","header_size":"h3","_padding":{"unit":"px","top":"17","right":"0","bottom":"0","left":"0","isLinked":false},"title_color":"#BA9664"},"elements":[],"widgetType":"heading"},{"id":"7a15620","elType":"widget","settings":{"editor":"<p>\u201cMany commit to \u2018the one before the one\u2019 anyway, as they decide to stay in the relationship rather than disturb the status quo. For many this is a calculation of pros and cons, weighing fears, and also their age and stage of life.\u201d<\/p><p>\u201cSome may be fine with this decision, yet others can\u2019t fully reconcile this decision and create a fantasy of \u2018the one\u2019 they\u2019d like to be with. This could be a figment of their imagination or someone at work or even online.\u201d<\/p><p>Typically, Abrahams said this imaginary \u2018one\u2019 is different from their partner.<\/p><p>\u201cDespite their decision to remain, they live with the gnawing feeling that they made a mistake by settling.\u201d<\/p><p>Want to find out how your ego can impact your relationship? Abrahams has a free e-book available\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.lissyabrahams.com\/service\/how-our-ego-harms-couple-relationships\/\"><strong>here<\/strong><\/a>.<\/p>","_padding":{"unit":"px","top":"10","right":"0","bottom":"0","left":"0","isLinked":false}},"elements":[],"widgetType":"text-editor"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false}]