(18703,5227,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Do you ever wonder why you view yourself, your partner, your interactions, or your relationship the way you do? Why do other people have different viewpoints of relationships from ours? Most importantly, why is our partner so different from us? This is the relationship that we feel the differences so acutely. Both partners do as we navigate them daily, yearly, and even across decades.<\\/p><p>\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Sometimes we can deal with our differences kindly. Sometimes respectfully. And sometimes these differences scare the pants off us, and we can\\u2019t believe we are dealing with someone who thinks or behaves in\\u00a0that way. We can completely blindside or shock each other because our behaviour or our perspectives feel too far apart.<\\/p><p>Wouldn\\u2019t life be so much easier if our partner shared similar perspectives and opinions on relationships to us? Wouldn\\u2019t it be easier if we both behaved exactly the same way according to a shared relational template? Or even better, if our partner behaved entirely in accordance with\\u00a0our\\u00a0relational template.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"8d05ccc\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"35102fe\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"7f7befe\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"What Is A Relational Template?\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e876155\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"61d74fe\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a4d58ed\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>We all have our own unique relational template that was created in childhood through our interactions with parents or caregivers. Through our thousands and thousands of interactions with them, our ideas and expectations of relationships were shaped. This includes our beliefs and values, expectations of ourselves and our partner, what needs a firm boundary and what doesn\\u2019t matter to us. In our template we hold expectations of how our partner should communicate and behave in our committed relationship.<\\/p><p>Our relational template holds information about relationships that was encoded decades ago. Essentially this was encoded through the thousands of small interactions we had with parents. Some of these were enjoyable. Others were about them showing up or holding us when we needed it. We may also have encoded their absences or missing them too much or feeling we couldn\\u2019t get their attention sufficiently to feel secure. We\\u2019ve encoded our parents\\u2019 rules and expectations, and their relational reactions and behaviour. We\\u2019ve encoded whether they apologised when they frightened us or were too stern helping us feel safer with them again, or when they didn\\u2019t.<\\/p><p>These experiences are encoded in the template in our mind and body. Some of the contents of the template we know about consciously and can speak about. For example, \\u201cIt\\u2019s important to kiss goodbye to each other when we leave the house\\u201d or \\u201cIt\\u2019s important to support each other when we are hurt or sad, and this was because my dad put band-aids on my knees when I\\u2019d fall over and kiss them better.\\u201d Other parts are held unconsciously, where we have no awareness of them at all.<\\/p><p>It\\u2019s easy to know how we think consciously about relationships and our expectations or rules we want to live by. However, if you want to have access to what\\u2019s held unconsciously in your relational template reflect on how you react when your partner treats you in a way that causes you to panic, feel upset, betrayed, or unsafe. Do you respond calmly \\u201cPlease don\\u2019t talk to me with that tone\\u201d or are you triggered into fight or flight mode? Do you lose it or attack back or do you get away from them as if they are a danger to you?<\\/p><p>Our past relationships with our parents or caregivers will always be different from our partner. We will have encoded different relational information. Neither of us has the \\u2018right template\\u2019, and neither has the \\u2018wrong template\\u2019. Some templates are healthier than others though.<\\/p><p>We may share some beliefs, values or expectations with our partner, however our templates will\\u00a0never\\u00a0fully align. Some of these differences are ok for us. And some won\\u2019t be, and this will cause us to fight. What\\u2019s critical for all couples is\\u00a0how\\u00a0healthily or unhealthily\\u00a0they navigate the many differences between their relational templates.<\\/p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (1655125261)<\\/em><\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(18713,5228,'_wp_attached_file','2022/08/shutterstock_1655125261.jpg'),(18714,5228,'_wp_attachment_metadata','a:6:{s:5:\"width\";i:1000;s:6:\"height\";i:662;s:4:\"file\";s:35:\"2022/08/shutterstock_1655125261.jpg\";s:8:\"filesize\";i:698109;s:5:\"sizes\";a:7:{s:6:\"medium\";a:5:{s:4:\"file\";s:35:\"shutterstock_1655125261-300x199.jpg\";s:5:\"width\";i:300;s:6:\"height\";i:199;s:9:\"mime-type\";s:10:\"image/jpeg\";s:8:\"filesize\";i:13622;}s:9:\"thumbnail\";a:5:{s:4:\"file\";s:35:\"shutterstock_1655125261-150x150.jpg\";s:5:\"width\";i:150;s:6:\"height\";i:150;s:9:\"mime-type\";s:10:\"image/jpeg\";s:8:\"filesize\";i:6991;}s:12:\"medium_large\";a:5:{s:4:\"file\";s:35:\"shutterstock_1655125261-768x508.jpg\";s:5:\"width\";i:768;s:6:\"height\";i:508;s:9:\"mime-type\";s:10:\"image/jpeg\";s:8:\"filesize\";i:56048;}s:14:\"blog-fullwidth\";a:5:{s:4:\"file\";s:36:\"shutterstock_1655125261-1000x600.jpg\";s:5:\"width\";i:1000;s:6:\"height\";i:600;s:9:\"mime-type\";s:10:\"image/jpeg\";s:8:\"filesize\";i:86622;}s:21:\"woocommerce_thumbnail\";a:6:{s:4:\"file\";s:35:\"shutterstock_1655125261-300x300.jpg\";s:5:\"width\";i:300;s:6:\"height\";i:300;s:9:\"mime-type\";s:10:\"image/jpeg\";s:8:\"filesize\";i:18385;s:9:\"uncropped\";b:0;}s:18:\"woocommerce_single\";a:5:{s:4:\"file\";s:35:\"shutterstock_1655125261-600x397.jpg\";s:5:\"width\";i:600;s:6:\"height\";i:397;s:9:\"mime-type\";s:10:\"image/jpeg\";s:8:\"filesize\";i:38425;}s:29:\"woocommerce_gallery_thumbnail\";a:5:{s:4:\"file\";s:35:\"shutterstock_1655125261-370x420.jpg\";s:5:\"width\";i:370;s:6:\"height\";i:420;s:9:\"mime-type\";s:10:\"image/jpeg\";s:8:\"filesize\";i:27327;}}s:10:\"image_meta\";a:12:{s:8:\"aperture\";s:1:\"0\";s:6:\"credit\";s:12:\"Shutterstock\";s:6:\"camera\";s:0:\"\";s:7:\"caption\";s:0:\"\";s:17:\"created_timestamp\";s:1:\"0\";s:9:\"copyright\";s:74:\"Copyright (c) 2020 Maria Vonotna/Shutterstock.  No use without permission.\";s:12:\"focal_length\";s:1:\"0\";s:3:\"iso\";s:1:\"0\";s:13:\"shutter_speed\";s:1:\"0\";s:5:\"title\";s:60:\"Reality,Vs,Expectation.,White,Two,Street,Signs,With,Arrow,On\";s:11:\"orientation\";s:1:\"1\";s:8:\"keywords\";a:1:{i:0;s:64:\"arrow,sign,roadsign,hope,good,evaluation,road,pointing,plan,pote\";}}}'),(18715,5229,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(18716,5229,'_wp_page_template','default'),(18717,5229,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(18718,5229,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(18719,5229,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(18720,5229,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(18721,5229,'_thumbnail_id','5228'),(18722,5229,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:3:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:1;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:1;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}}'),(18723,5229,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>We are such a complex species us humans. We have evolved these incredible mammalian brains that can categorise, analyse, and differentiate between objects, situations and abstract ideas. We create incredible tools, machines that fly, and artificial intelligence to be applied in every realm of life. We need to admire our ability to create and make the unimaginable a new reality.<\\/p><p>Part of this highly evolved brain involves our ability to judge things and discriminate between options. This means holding onto some ideas as worthwhile, discerning whether opinions hold enough weight for us to take them seriously, determining whether certain substances or foods are good for our body or not. We make judgements about politician, bosses, or our work environment. We judge the weather as good or bad, the restaurant vibe, or the present we received for Christmas as suitable \\u2013 or not.<\\/p><p>If we put a microphone in our mind to really listen to our judgements, we would all hear that we make thousands of them every single day. We start the morning judging whether we slept well last night. We may have a shower and have judgements about whether we look good or not, whether we like how our clothes fit that day, and we may even judge our behaviour with food or exercise over the last little while.<\\/p><p>Our judgements come from the voice in our head. This voice is always there, always chiming in with some very important judgement of the moment. This is the ego. It\\u2019s always questioning and judging. Am I enjoying this moment? Am I unhappy with what my friend said to me last week? I am feeling so good! I don\\u2019t like the food in the fridge \\u2013 it\\u2019s boring. This was the best day of my life! The judgements are either good or bad, positive or negative.<\\/p><p>Our ego judges our friend\\u2019s choice to move away from the city, or their new partner as dull, or we judge whether we are earning enough money. We judge to make ourselves feel better or we judge to make ourselves feel worse. We can be especially judgemental of ourselves. I see this with my clients, and I call it the whip. I used to have a whip. I did the work to get away from that one.<\\/p><p>It\\u2019s the whip others would never believe you have, where you give yourself some lashings. So many people don\\u2019t even know that they are judging themselves harshly. Their whip has been operating for so long, without their awareness. I never even knew I had a choice to put the whip down. Once I knew I could it was a game changer. I\\u2019d literally catch myself being self-critical and visualise gently placing the whip down.<\\/p><p>The other form of judgement is reserved for others. We can judge others so swiftly without even knowing we don\\u2019t need to do this. We have no idea how judging others is actually a reflection of our own mind. These judgements hurt us more than they hurt anyone else. We can be critical of other\\u2019s ideas, values, behaviour, opinions, or work. We can be harsh on their body shape and size. We can negatively judge their parenting. We can be mean about their children.<\\/p><p>There is no end to the topics we can judge about others and how they live their lives. Why do we do this? We do this because our fragile ego wants a little ego boost. So we tear others down a notch \\u2013 in our own mind. We want to feel a bit better about our own lives, so we create a story about someone else\\u2019s inadequacies or failings in any particular area. This means we don\\u2019t need to be in contact with our own weakness or vulnerabilities. We project these onto someone else and pretend to ourselves we are momentarily superior. But deep down we know we\\u2019re not.<\\/p><p>Sometimes we take it even further where it\\u2019s not just judgement in our own mind. We join up with others and gossip. Deep down we feel when we\\u2019ve been too severe or disloyal or unkind, and we\\u2019d hate someone to speak about\\u00a0us\\u00a0like that. That\\u2019s what the ego does \\u2013 it likes to take others down, implying that we\\u2019re\\u00a0not\\u00a0like that. We\\u2019re ok and in the right place in our own lives.<\\/p><p>But why would our ego do this? It\\u2019s afraid. It\\u2019s trying to keep us and those around us in a neat box to feel safe. Gossiping (or being judgemental) attempts to shape our social or work sphere to keep ourselves and others in line. We \\u2013 the gossipers \\u2013 are momentarily in the \\u2018in crowd\\u2019, and someone else is on the outer.<\\/p><p>We all need to look at how our ego operates so that we don\\u2019t fall into the trap of taking it too seriously. It\\u2019s trying to keep us safe, nudging us towards life in a protected box. The more we understand our ego, the more we free ourselves of the continuous commentary and judgements of ourselves and others that occur moment to moment. And in its place is greater peace and quiet in our own minds.<\\/p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (1282520281)<\\/em><\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(18724,5229,'_elementor_css','a:7:{s:4:\"time\";i:1661510328;s:5:\"fonts\";a:0:{}s:5:\"icons\";a:0:{}s:20:\"dynamic_elements_ids\";a:0:{}s:6:\"status\";s:5:\"empty\";i:0;s:0:\"\";s:3:\"css\";s:0:\"\";}'),(18727,5230,'_wp_page_template','default'),(18728,5230,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(18729,5230,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(18730,5230,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(18731,5230,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(18732,5230,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(18733,5230,'_thumbnail_id','5228'),(18734,5230,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:3:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:1;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:1;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}}'),(18735,5230,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>We are such a complex species us humans. We have evolved these incredible mammalian brains that can categorise, analyse, and differentiate between objects, situations and abstract ideas. We create incredible tools, machines that fly, and artificial intelligence to be applied in every realm of life. We need to admire our ability to create and make the unimaginable a new reality.<\\/p><p>Part of this highly evolved brain involves our ability to judge things and discriminate between options. This means holding onto some ideas as worthwhile, discerning whether opinions hold enough weight for us to take them seriously, determining whether certain substances or foods are good for our body or not. We make judgements about politician, bosses, or our work environment. We judge the weather as good or bad, the restaurant vibe, or the present we received for Christmas as suitable \\u2013 or not.<\\/p><p>If we put a microphone in our mind to really listen to our judgements, we would all hear that we make thousands of them every single day. We start the morning judging whether we slept well last night. We may have a shower and have judgements about whether we look good or not, whether we like how our clothes fit that day, and we may even judge our behaviour with food or exercise over the last little while.<\\/p><p>Our judgements come from the voice in our head. This voice is always there, always chiming in with some very important judgement of the moment. This is the ego. It\\u2019s always questioning and judging. Am I enjoying this moment? Am I unhappy with what my friend said to me last week? I am feeling so good! I don\\u2019t like the food in the fridge \\u2013 it\\u2019s boring. This was the best day of my life! The judgements are either good or bad, positive or negative.<\\/p><p>Our ego judges our friend\\u2019s choice to move away from the city, or their new partner as dull, or we judge whether we are earning enough money. We judge to make ourselves feel better or we judge to make ourselves feel worse. We can be especially judgemental of ourselves. I see this with my clients, and I call it the whip. I used to have a whip. I did the work to get away from that one.<\\/p><p>It\\u2019s the whip others would never believe you have, where you give yourself some lashings. So many people don\\u2019t even know that they are judging themselves harshly. Their whip has been operating for so long, without their awareness. I never even knew I had a choice to put the whip down. Once I knew I could it was a game changer. I\\u2019d literally catch myself being self-critical and visualise gently placing the whip down.<\\/p><p>The other form of judgement is reserved for others. We can judge others so swiftly without even knowing we don\\u2019t need to do this. We have no idea how judging others is actually a reflection of our own mind. These judgements hurt us more than they hurt anyone else. We can be critical of other\\u2019s ideas, values, behaviour, opinions, or work. We can be harsh on their body shape and size. We can negatively judge their parenting. We can be mean about their children.<\\/p><p>There is no end to the topics we can judge about others and how they live their lives. Why do we do this? We do this because our fragile ego wants a little ego boost. So we tear others down a notch \\u2013 in our own mind. We want to feel a bit better about our own lives, so we create a story about someone else\\u2019s inadequacies or failings in any particular area. This means we don\\u2019t need to be in contact with our own weakness or vulnerabilities. We project these onto someone else and pretend to ourselves we are momentarily superior. But deep down we know we\\u2019re not.<\\/p><p>Sometimes we take it even further where it\\u2019s not just judgement in our own mind. We join up with others and gossip. Deep down we feel when we\\u2019ve been too severe or disloyal or unkind, and we\\u2019d hate someone to speak about\\u00a0us\\u00a0like that. That\\u2019s what the ego does \\u2013 it likes to take others down, implying that we\\u2019re\\u00a0not\\u00a0like that. We\\u2019re ok and in the right place in our own lives.<\\/p><p>But why would our ego do this? It\\u2019s afraid. It\\u2019s trying to keep us and those around us in a neat box to feel safe. Gossiping (or being judgemental) attempts to shape our social or work sphere to keep ourselves and others in line. We \\u2013 the gossipers \\u2013 are momentarily in the \\u2018in crowd\\u2019, and someone else is on the outer.<\\/p><p>We all need to look at how our ego operates so that we don\\u2019t fall into the trap of taking it too seriously. It\\u2019s trying to keep us safe, nudging us towards life in a protected box. The more we understand our ego, the more we free ourselves of the continuous commentary and judgements of ourselves and others that occur moment to moment. 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We have evolved these incredible mammalian brains that can categorise, analyse, and differentiate between objects, situations and abstract ideas. We create incredible tools, machines that fly, and artificial intelligence to be applied in every realm of life. We need to admire our ability to create and make the unimaginable a new reality.<\\/p><p>Part of this highly evolved brain involves our ability to judge things and discriminate between options. This means holding onto some ideas as worthwhile, discerning whether opinions hold enough weight for us to take them seriously, determining whether certain substances or foods are good for our body or not. We make judgements about politician, bosses, or our work environment. We judge the weather as good or bad, the restaurant vibe, or the present we received for Christmas as suitable \\u2013 or not.<\\/p><p>If we put a microphone in our mind to really listen to our judgements, we would all hear that we make thousands of them every single day. We start the morning judging whether we slept well last night. We may have a shower and have judgements about whether we look good or not, whether we like how our clothes fit that day, and we may even judge our behaviour with food or exercise over the last little while.<\\/p><p>Our judgements come from the voice in our head. This voice is always there, always chiming in with some very important judgement of the moment. This is the ego. It\\u2019s always questioning and judging. Am I enjoying this moment? Am I unhappy with what my friend said to me last week? I am feeling so good! I don\\u2019t like the food in the fridge \\u2013 it\\u2019s boring. This was the best day of my life! The judgements are either good or bad, positive or negative.<\\/p><p>Our ego judges our friend\\u2019s choice to move away from the city, or their new partner as dull, or we judge whether we are earning enough money. We judge to make ourselves feel better or we judge to make ourselves feel worse. We can be especially judgemental of ourselves. I see this with my clients, and I call it the whip. I used to have a whip. I did the work to get away from that one.<\\/p><p>It\\u2019s the whip others would never believe you have, where you give yourself some lashings. So many people don\\u2019t even know that they are judging themselves harshly. Their whip has been operating for so long, without their awareness. I never even knew I had a choice to put the whip down. Once I knew I could it was a game changer. I\\u2019d literally catch myself being self-critical and visualise gently placing the whip down.<\\/p><p>The other form of judgement is reserved for others. We can judge others so swiftly without even knowing we don\\u2019t need to do this. We have no idea how judging others is actually a reflection of our own mind. These judgements hurt us more than they hurt anyone else. We can be critical of other\\u2019s ideas, values, behaviour, opinions, or work. We can be harsh on their body shape and size. We can negatively judge their parenting. We can be mean about their children.<\\/p><p>There is no end to the topics we can judge about others and how they live their lives. Why do we do this? We do this because our fragile ego wants a little ego boost. So we tear others down a notch \\u2013 in our own mind. We want to feel a bit better about our own lives, so we create a story about someone else\\u2019s inadequacies or failings in any particular area. This means we don\\u2019t need to be in contact with our own weakness or vulnerabilities. We project these onto someone else and pretend to ourselves we are momentarily superior. But deep down we know we\\u2019re not.<\\/p><p>Sometimes we take it even further where it\\u2019s not just judgement in our own mind. We join up with others and gossip. Deep down we feel when we\\u2019ve been too severe or disloyal or unkind, and we\\u2019d hate someone to speak about\\u00a0us\\u00a0like that. That\\u2019s what the ego does \\u2013 it likes to take others down, implying that we\\u2019re\\u00a0not\\u00a0like that. We\\u2019re ok and in the right place in our own lives.<\\/p><p>But why would our ego do this? It\\u2019s afraid. It\\u2019s trying to keep us and those around us in a neat box to feel safe. Gossiping (or being judgemental) attempts to shape our social or work sphere to keep ourselves and others in line. We \\u2013 the gossipers \\u2013 are momentarily in the \\u2018in crowd\\u2019, and someone else is on the outer.<\\/p><p>We all need to look at how our ego operates so that we don\\u2019t fall into the trap of taking it too seriously. It\\u2019s trying to keep us safe, nudging us towards life in a protected box. The more we understand our ego, the more we free ourselves of the continuous commentary and judgements of ourselves and others that occur moment to moment. And in its place is greater peace and quiet in our own minds.<\\/p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (1282520281)<\\/em><\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(18746,5231,'_elementor_css','a:7:{s:4:\"time\";i:1661510328;s:5:\"fonts\";a:0:{}s:5:\"icons\";a:0:{}s:20:\"dynamic_elements_ids\";a:0:{}s:6:\"status\";s:5:\"empty\";i:0;s:0:\"\";s:3:\"css\";s:0:\"\";}'),(18747,5232,'_wp_page_template','default'),(18748,5232,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(18749,5232,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(18750,5232,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(18751,5232,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(18752,5232,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(18753,5232,'_thumbnail_id','5228'),(18754,5232,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:3:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:1;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:1;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}}'),(18755,5232,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Do you ever wonder why you view yourself, your partner, your interactions, or your relationship the way you do? Why do other people have different viewpoints of relationships from ours? Most importantly, why is our partner so different from us? This is the relationship that we feel the differences so acutely. Both partners do as we navigate them daily, yearly, and even across decades.<\\/p><p>\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Sometimes we can deal with our differences kindly. Sometimes respectfully. And sometimes these differences scare the pants off us, and we can\\u2019t believe we are dealing with someone who thinks or behaves in\\u00a0that way. We can completely blindside or shock each other because our behaviour or our perspectives feel too far apart.<\\/p><p>Wouldn\\u2019t life be so much easier if our partner shared similar perspectives and opinions on relationships to us? Wouldn\\u2019t it be easier if we both behaved exactly the same way according to a shared relational template? Or even better, if our partner behaved entirely in accordance with\\u00a0our\\u00a0relational template.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"8d05ccc\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"35102fe\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"7f7befe\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"What Is A Relational Template?\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e876155\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"61d74fe\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a4d58ed\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>We all have our own unique relational template that was created in childhood through our interactions with parents or caregivers. Through our thousands and thousands of interactions with them, our ideas and expectations of relationships were shaped. This includes our beliefs and values, expectations of ourselves and our partner, what needs a firm boundary and what doesn\\u2019t matter to us. In our template we hold expectations of how our partner should communicate and behave in our committed relationship.<\\/p><p>Our relational template holds information about relationships that was encoded decades ago. Essentially this was encoded through the thousands of small interactions we had with parents. Some of these were enjoyable. Others were about them showing up or holding us when we needed it. We may also have encoded their absences or missing them too much or feeling we couldn\\u2019t get their attention sufficiently to feel secure. We\\u2019ve encoded our parents\\u2019 rules and expectations, and their relational reactions and behaviour. We\\u2019ve encoded whether they apologised when they frightened us or were too stern helping us feel safer with them again, or when they didn\\u2019t.<\\/p><p>These experiences are encoded in the template in our mind and body. Some of the contents of the template we know about consciously and can speak about. For example, \\u201cIt\\u2019s important to kiss goodbye to each other when we leave the house\\u201d or \\u201cIt\\u2019s important to support each other when we are hurt or sad, and this was because my dad put band-aids on my knees when I\\u2019d fall over and kiss them better.\\u201d Other parts are held unconsciously, where we have no awareness of them at all.<\\/p><p>It\\u2019s easy to know how we think consciously about relationships and our expectations or rules we want to live by. However, if you want to have access to what\\u2019s held unconsciously in your relational template reflect on how you react when your partner treats you in a way that causes you to panic, feel upset, betrayed, or unsafe. Do you respond calmly \\u201cPlease don\\u2019t talk to me with that tone\\u201d or are you triggered into fight or flight mode? Do you lose it or attack back or do you get away from them as if they are a danger to you?<\\/p><p>Our past relationships with our parents or caregivers will always be different from our partner. We will have encoded different relational information. Neither of us has the \\u2018right template\\u2019, and neither has the \\u2018wrong template\\u2019. Some templates are healthier than others though.<\\/p><p>We may share some beliefs, values or expectations with our partner, however our templates will\\u00a0never\\u00a0fully align. Some of these differences are ok for us. And some won\\u2019t be, and this will cause us to fight. What\\u2019s critical for all couples is\\u00a0how\\u00a0healthily or unhealthily\\u00a0they navigate the many differences between their relational templates.<\\/p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (1655125261)<\\/em><\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(18756,5232,'_elementor_css','a:7:{s:4:\"time\";i:1661510328;s:5:\"fonts\";a:0:{}s:5:\"icons\";a:0:{}s:20:\"dynamic_elements_ids\";a:0:{}s:6:\"status\";s:5:\"empty\";i:0;s:0:\"\";s:3:\"css\";s:0:\"\";}'),(18757,5233,'_edit_last','2'),(18758,5233,'_edit_lock','1661511339:2'),(18759,5233,'_wp_page_template','default'),(18760,5233,'featured-video-url',''),(18761,5233,'featured-quote-text',''),(18762,5233,'featured-quote-cite',''),(18763,5233,'featured-audio-url',''),(18764,5233,'featured-link-url',''),(18765,5233,'featured-link-text',''),(18766,5233,'featured-link-short',''),(18767,5233,'post_content_padding','a:3:{s:5:\"units\";s:2:\"px\";s:11:\"padding-top\";s:0:\"\";s:14:\"padding-bottom\";s:0:\"\";}'),(18768,5233,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(18769,5233,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(18770,5233,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(18771,5233,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(18772,5233,'_oembed_2bb6871532de21756d5d7ddb684aaeb8','<iframe title=\"245 - 3 Secrets to Beat Performance Anxiety by Savvy Psychologist\" width=\"640\" height=\"400\" scrolling=\"no\" frameborder=\"no\" src=\"https://w.soundcloud.com/player/?visual=true&url=https%3A%2F%2Fapi.soundcloud.com%2Ftracks%2F621931155&show_artwork=true&maxheight=960&maxwidth=640\"></iframe>'),(18773,5233,'_oembed_time_2bb6871532de21756d5d7ddb684aaeb8','1658107090'),(18774,5233,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(18775,5233,'_wp_old_date','2022-07-18'),(18776,5233,'_thumbnail_id','5234'),(18777,5233,'_wp_old_date','2022-08-07'),(18779,5233,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Recently I finished watching the 3-part series by investigative journalist, Jess Hill, called \\u2018See what you made me do\\u2019. The documentary title is taken from the comment made by many perpetrators of domestic abuse who blame their victim \\u2013 their current or ex-partner \\u2013 for the violence they have inflicted upon them. The implication is \\u201cif you hadn\\u2019t made me angry by doing or saying that, then I wouldn\\u2019t have treated you so violently.\\u201d<\\/p><p><span style=\\\"color: inherit; font-family: inherit; font-weight: inherit; letter-spacing: 0px;\\\">Many of us are horrified when we read about the latest woman murdered by someone she had been with. Fifteen minutes ago, my partner told me of another woman killed, along with her 6-year-old child. Both were stabbed to death. Her 10-year-old child managed to run away, and I can only imagine the horrific Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) she will have. Like so many victims, she had tried to enlist the help of the police. Her killer was known to them, he was in their computer system.<\\/span><\\/p><p>Hill\\u2019s documentary outlines the complexity of domestic violence. What became clear is that we usually hear about the abuse via the media when a shocking incident, like a woman\\u2019s murder (and possibly her children as well), has taken place. However, this type of incident is just the tip of the iceberg. Prior to this, women have experienced another form of abuse called\\u00a0<strong>coercive control<\\/strong>.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"8d05ccc\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"35102fe\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"7f7befe\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"What is Coercive Control?\\n\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e876155\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"61d74fe\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a4d58ed\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>This is a form of abuse that involves a pattern of behaviours fostering a power imbalance to control one\\u2019s partner. These behaviours involve frightening, intimidating, and manipulating one\\u2019s victim leaving them terrified, dependent on their abuser, and also isolated from others.\\u00a0<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ef7660d\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"db32f0e\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"48138af\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"What are The Signs of Coercive Control?\\n\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"33bdadc\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"ac988e1\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"786efdc\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Degrading partner\\u2019s sense of self or self-esteem\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ceade32\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"bbcc6ca\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"024734e\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>This can be via insults, name calling, belittling, or bullying them. They chip away at their victim continuously reducing their\\u00a0<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/2022\\/01\\/28\\/what-would-my-best-self-do\\/\\\"><strong>self-worth<\\/strong><\\/a>\\u00a0until they feel worthless. This makes it harder for the victim to leave as they believe they have no value and no-one else would want them.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"a8a4355\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"76890e4\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b3f198d\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Jealous or possessive behaviour\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"cbb7bd3\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6d32a30\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"95b3386\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Without them knowing or admitting it, an abuser is extremely fragile and fearful of their partner choosing to leave them or choosing to be with someone else. They are often possessive and jealous, wanting their victim to themselves. Abusers often control and manipulate their victim by frequently accusing them of cheating. Victims often alter their choices to not upset their abuser or not feel guilty about doing the wrong thing by their abuser.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"5140224\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2807894\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b202c79\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Isolating the victim from others\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"3f6568e\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"780f28e\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3377dce\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>A coercively controlling partner will try to isolate their victim from those closest to them. They may try to separate their victim by having them move away from their social and support network. They may tell lies about the victim\\u2019s network or fabricate lies to the network, so they cut the victim off. They don\\u2019t want their victim to talk to others about what\\u2019s happening in the relationship and want to always have control. They can even stop their victims from engaging in school or work.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"cec429b\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2ac6e1c\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1a7243f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Monitoring activity\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e61cb02\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"69c1edf\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a3f78c5\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Coercive control often involves constant monitoring of their victim. They may want their victim to feel their watchful presence or be secretive about it. This could be through social media, emails, phone messages or sophisticated spying software or generic mobile phone tracking devices. They may stalk their victim by following them or using voice recorders or cameras in the home or car that the victim may or may not know about. They use physical tracking devices hidden in or under the car.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"9cb8d00\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6d48801\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"35ac498\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Controlling the victim\\u2019s body\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"acccec1\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c8ffdb9\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"e9acc31\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Abusers often attempt to control how their victim looks. This may be their clothes, hair, makeup, what they consume in food and liquid, and their level of exercise. Some deny medical attention or medications to their victim. Abusers may make sexual demands. This could be in the frequency of sex, the sexual acts performed, what they do to the victim\\u2019s body without seeking permission, such as photos, videos or unprotected sex.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"75226b6\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"303cbb4\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"38cae4f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Restricting victim\\u2019s autonomy\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"8fcbe7c\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c551be8\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a89ccfc\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>We know the abuser want to have control of their victim. This means they may prevent them going to school, university, or work. They may try to remove access to their car or transport, so their victim has their movements restricted and decreases their independence. They may hide their devices, change passwords on their victim\\u2019s devices, banking or online accounts.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"6ae302d\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b555dfa\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"f648485\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Financial control over victim\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"f81d133\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6291bc5\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8abb0a2\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>This removes the victim\\u2019s ability to be independent and make their own decisions. It also prevents their ability to leave the relationship. This could be through monitoring victim\\u2019s expenditure, enforcing a strict allowance withholding sufficient funds to cover the essentials, not allowing the victim a credit card and hiding money from them.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"7a30934\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"525685f\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"dd10b1e\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Threats and intimidations\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"24f6ce9\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a7261e8\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3d67297\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>These can be threats or intimidation towards the victim\\u2019s family, friends, children, pets, or property, and they are used (misused) to keep the victim in line.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"f8c5af9\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2b74b97\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9b7a849\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Getting out safely\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"bcb6b4d\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"62d6f55\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"f4a8fa5\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Victims need to take care when leaving a coercive controlling abuser. 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What\\u2019s critical for all couples is\\u00a0how\\u00a0healthily or unhealthily\\u00a0they navigate the many differences between their relational templates.<\\/p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (1655125261)<\\/em><\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(18823,5237,'_elementor_css','a:7:{s:4:\"time\";i:1661510671;s:5:\"fonts\";a:0:{}s:5:\"icons\";a:0:{}s:20:\"dynamic_elements_ids\";a:0:{}s:6:\"status\";s:5:\"empty\";i:0;s:0:\"\";s:3:\"css\";s:0:\"\";}'),(18824,5238,'_wp_page_template','default'),(18825,5238,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(18826,5238,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(18827,5238,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(18828,5238,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(18829,5238,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(18830,5238,'_thumbnail_id','5234'),(18831,5238,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:4:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:2;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:2;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:3;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:3;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:3;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}s:7:\"heading\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:13:\"section_title\";a:1:{s:5:\"title\";i:1;}}}}}'),(18832,5238,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Recently I finished watching the 3-part series by investigative journalist, Jess Hill, called \\u2018See what you made me do\\u2019. The documentary title is taken from the comment made by many perpetrators of domestic abuse who blame their victim \\u2013 their current or ex-partner \\u2013 for the violence they have inflicted upon them. The implication is \\u201cif you hadn\\u2019t made me angry by doing or saying that, then I wouldn\\u2019t have treated you so violently.\\u201d<\\/p><p>\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Many of us are horrified when we read about the latest woman murdered by someone she had been with. Fifteen minutes ago, my partner told me of another woman killed, along with her 6-year-old child. Both were stabbed to death. Her 10-year-old child managed to run away, and I can only imagine the horrific Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) she will have. Like so many victims, she had tried to enlist the help of the police. Her killer was known to them, he was in their computer system.<\\/p><p>Hill\\u2019s documentary outlines the complexity of domestic violence. What became clear is that we usually hear about the abuse via the media when a shocking incident, like a woman\\u2019s murder (and possibly her children as well), has taken place. However, this type of incident is just the tip of the iceberg. Prior to this, women have experienced another form of abuse called\\u00a0<strong>coercive control<\\/strong>.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"8d05ccc\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"35102fe\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"7f7befe\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"What is Coercive Control?\\n\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e876155\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"61d74fe\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a4d58ed\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>This is a form of abuse that involves a pattern of behaviours fostering a power imbalance to control one\\u2019s partner. These behaviours involve frightening, intimidating, and manipulating one\\u2019s victim leaving them terrified, dependent on their abuser, and also isolated from others.\\u00a0<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ef7660d\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"db32f0e\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"48138af\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"What are The Signs of Coercive Control?\\n\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"33bdadc\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"ac988e1\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"786efdc\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Degrading partner\\u2019s sense of self or self-esteem\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ceade32\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"bbcc6ca\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"024734e\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>This can be via insults, name calling, belittling, or bullying them. They chip away at their victim continuously reducing their\\u00a0<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/2022\\/01\\/28\\/what-would-my-best-self-do\\/\\\"><strong>self-worth<\\/strong><\\/a>\\u00a0until they feel worthless. This makes it harder for the victim to leave as they believe they have no value and no-one else would want them.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"a8a4355\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"76890e4\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b3f198d\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Jealous or possessive behaviour\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"cbb7bd3\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6d32a30\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"95b3386\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Without them knowing or admitting it, an abuser is extremely fragile and fearful of their partner choosing to leave them or choosing to be with someone else. They are often possessive and jealous, wanting their victim to themselves. Abusers often control and manipulate their victim by frequently accusing them of cheating. Victims often alter their choices to not upset their abuser or not feel guilty about doing the wrong thing by their abuser.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"5140224\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2807894\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b202c79\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Isolating the victim from others\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"3f6568e\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"780f28e\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3377dce\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>A coercively controlling partner will try to isolate their victim from those closest to them. They may try to separate their victim by having them move away from their social and support network. They may tell lies about the victim\\u2019s network or fabricate lies to the network, so they cut the victim off. They don\\u2019t want their victim to talk to others about what\\u2019s happening in the relationship and want to always have control. They can even stop their victims from engaging in school or work.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"cec429b\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2ac6e1c\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1a7243f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Monitoring activity\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e61cb02\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"69c1edf\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a3f78c5\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Coercive control often involves constant monitoring of their victim. They may want their victim to feel their watchful presence or be secretive about it. This could be through social media, emails, phone messages or sophisticated spying software or generic mobile phone tracking devices. They may stalk their victim by following them or using voice recorders or cameras in the home or car that the victim may or may not know about. They use physical tracking devices hidden in or under the car.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"9cb8d00\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6d48801\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"35ac498\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Controlling the victim\\u2019s body\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"acccec1\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c8ffdb9\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"e9acc31\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Abusers often attempt to control how their victim looks. This may be their clothes, hair, makeup, what they consume in food and liquid, and their level of exercise. Some deny medical attention or medications to their victim. Abusers may make sexual demands. This could be in the frequency of sex, the sexual acts performed, what they do to the victim\\u2019s body without seeking permission, such as photos, videos or unprotected sex.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"75226b6\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"303cbb4\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"38cae4f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Restricting victim\\u2019s autonomy\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"8fcbe7c\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c551be8\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a89ccfc\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>We know the abuser want to have control of their victim. This means they may prevent them going to school, university, or work. They may try to remove access to their car or transport, so their victim has their movements restricted and decreases their independence. They may hide their devices, change passwords on their victim\\u2019s devices, banking or online accounts.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"6ae302d\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b555dfa\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"f648485\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Financial control over victim\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"f81d133\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6291bc5\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8abb0a2\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>This removes the victim\\u2019s ability to be independent and make their own decisions. It also prevents their ability to leave the relationship. This could be through monitoring victim\\u2019s expenditure, enforcing a strict allowance withholding sufficient funds to cover the essentials, not allowing the victim a credit card and hiding money from them.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"7a30934\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"525685f\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"dd10b1e\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Threats and intimidations\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"24f6ce9\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a7261e8\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3d67297\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>These can be threats or intimidation towards the victim\\u2019s family, friends, children, pets, or property, and they are used (misused) to keep the victim in line.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"f8c5af9\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2b74b97\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9b7a849\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Getting out safely\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"bcb6b4d\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"62d6f55\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"f4a8fa5\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Victims need to take care when leaving a coercive controlling abuser. It can be done, yet without care and planning it can be dangerous, or even fatal, to the victim.<\\/p>\\n<p>If you are unsure whether you are a victim of coercive control or you need help to leave safely, contact a helpline below:<\\/p>\\n<p><b>1800RESPECT<\\/b>:&nbsp;1800 737 732<\\/p>\\n<p><b>Kids Helpline<\\/b>:&nbsp;1800 55 1800<\\/p>\\n<p><b>Lifeline<\\/b>:&nbsp;13 11 14<\\/p>\\n<p>If you, your children, or extended family are in immediate danger, contact 000.<\\/p>\\n<p><i>Image source: Shutterstock (1705737463)<\\/i><\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(18833,5238,'_elementor_css','a:7:{s:4:\"time\";i:1661510671;s:5:\"fonts\";a:0:{}s:5:\"icons\";a:0:{}s:20:\"dynamic_elements_ids\";a:0:{}s:6:\"status\";s:5:\"empty\";i:0;s:0:\"\";s:3:\"css\";s:0:\"\";}'),(18837,5239,'_wp_page_template','default'),(18838,5239,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(18839,5239,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(18840,5239,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(18841,5239,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(18842,5239,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(18843,5239,'_thumbnail_id','5234'),(18844,5239,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Recently I finished watching the 3-part series by investigative journalist, Jess Hill, called \\u2018See what you made me do\\u2019. 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They chip away at their victim continuously reducing their\\u00a0<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/2022\\/01\\/28\\/what-would-my-best-self-do\\/\\\"><strong>self-worth<\\/strong><\\/a>\\u00a0until they feel worthless. 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They are often possessive and jealous, wanting their victim to themselves. Abusers often control and manipulate their victim by frequently accusing them of cheating. Victims often alter their choices to not upset their abuser or not feel guilty about doing the wrong thing by their abuser.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"5140224\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2807894\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b202c79\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Isolating the victim from others\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"3f6568e\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"780f28e\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3377dce\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>A coercively controlling partner will try to isolate their victim from those closest to them. They may try to separate their victim by having them move away from their social and support network. They may tell lies about the victim\\u2019s network or fabricate lies to the network, so they cut the victim off. They don\\u2019t want their victim to talk to others about what\\u2019s happening in the relationship and want to always have control. They can even stop their victims from engaging in school or work.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"cec429b\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2ac6e1c\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1a7243f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Monitoring activity\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e61cb02\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"69c1edf\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a3f78c5\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Coercive control often involves constant monitoring of their victim. They may want their victim to feel their watchful presence or be secretive about it. This could be through social media, emails, phone messages or sophisticated spying software or generic mobile phone tracking devices. They may stalk their victim by following them or using voice recorders or cameras in the home or car that the victim may or may not know about. They use physical tracking devices hidden in or under the car.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"9cb8d00\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6d48801\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"35ac498\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Controlling the victim\\u2019s body\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"acccec1\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c8ffdb9\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"e9acc31\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Abusers often attempt to control how their victim looks. This may be their clothes, hair, makeup, what they consume in food and liquid, and their level of exercise. Some deny medical attention or medications to their victim. Abusers may make sexual demands. This could be in the frequency of sex, the sexual acts performed, what they do to the victim\\u2019s body without seeking permission, such as photos, videos or unprotected sex.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"75226b6\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"303cbb4\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"38cae4f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Restricting victim\\u2019s autonomy\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"8fcbe7c\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c551be8\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a89ccfc\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>We know the abuser want to have control of their victim. This means they may prevent them going to school, university, or work. They may try to remove access to their car or transport, so their victim has their movements restricted and decreases their independence. They may hide their devices, change passwords on their victim\\u2019s devices, banking or online accounts.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"6ae302d\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b555dfa\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"f648485\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Financial control over victim\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"f81d133\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6291bc5\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8abb0a2\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>This removes the victim\\u2019s ability to be independent and make their own decisions. It also prevents their ability to leave the relationship. This could be through monitoring victim\\u2019s expenditure, enforcing a strict allowance withholding sufficient funds to cover the essentials, not allowing the victim a credit card and hiding money from them.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"7a30934\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"525685f\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"dd10b1e\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Threats and intimidations\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"24f6ce9\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a7261e8\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3d67297\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>These can be threats or intimidation towards the victim\\u2019s family, friends, children, pets, or property, and they are used (misused) to keep the victim in line.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"f8c5af9\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2b74b97\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9b7a849\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Getting out safely\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"bcb6b4d\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"62d6f55\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"f4a8fa5\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Victims need to take care when leaving a coercive controlling abuser. It can be done, yet without care and planning it can be dangerous, or even fatal, to the victim.<\\/p>\\n<p>If you are unsure whether you are a victim of coercive control or you need help to leave safely, contact a helpline below:<\\/p>\\n<p><b>1800RESPECT<\\/b>:&nbsp;1800 737 732<\\/p>\\n<p><b>Kids Helpline<\\/b>:&nbsp;1800 55 1800<\\/p>\\n<p><b>Lifeline<\\/b>:&nbsp;13 11 14<\\/p>\\n<p>If you, your children, or extended family are in immediate danger, contact 000.<\\/p>\\n<p><i>Image source: Shutterstock (1705737463)<\\/i><\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(18845,5239,'_elementor_css','a:6:{s:4:\"time\";i:1661511306;s:5:\"fonts\";a:0:{}s:5:\"icons\";a:0:{}s:20:\"dynamic_elements_ids\";a:0:{}s:6:\"status\";s:4:\"file\";i:0;s:0:\"\";}'),(18846,5240,'_wp_page_template','default'),(18847,5240,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(18848,5240,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(18849,5240,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(18850,5240,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(18851,5240,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(18852,5240,'_thumbnail_id','5234'),(18853,5240,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Recently I finished watching the 3-part series by investigative journalist, Jess Hill, called \\u2018See what you made me do\\u2019. The documentary title is taken from the comment made by many perpetrators of domestic abuse who blame their victim \\u2013 their current or ex-partner \\u2013 for the violence they have inflicted upon them. The implication is \\u201cif you hadn\\u2019t made me angry by doing or saying that, then I wouldn\\u2019t have treated you so violently.\\u201d<\\/p><p>\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Many of us are horrified when we read about the latest woman murdered by someone she had been with. Fifteen minutes ago, my partner told me of another woman killed, along with her 6-year-old child. Both were stabbed to death. Her 10-year-old child managed to run away, and I can only imagine the horrific Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) she will have. Like so many victims, she had tried to enlist the help of the police. Her killer was known to them, he was in their computer system.<\\/p><p>Hill\\u2019s documentary outlines the complexity of domestic violence. What became clear is that we usually hear about the abuse via the media when a shocking incident, like a woman\\u2019s murder (and possibly her children as well), has taken place. However, this type of incident is just the tip of the iceberg. Prior to this, women have experienced another form of abuse called\\u00a0<strong>coercive control<\\/strong>.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"8d05ccc\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"35102fe\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"7f7befe\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"What is Coercive Control?\\n\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e876155\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"61d74fe\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a4d58ed\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>This is a form of abuse that involves a pattern of behaviours fostering a power imbalance to control one\\u2019s partner. These behaviours involve frightening, intimidating, and manipulating one\\u2019s victim leaving them terrified, dependent on their abuser, and also isolated from others.\\u00a0<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ef7660d\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"db32f0e\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"48138af\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"What are The Signs of Coercive Control?\\n\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"33bdadc\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"ac988e1\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"786efdc\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Degrading partner\\u2019s sense of self or self-esteem\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ceade32\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"bbcc6ca\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"024734e\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>This can be via insults, name calling, belittling, or bullying them. They chip away at their victim continuously reducing their\\u00a0<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/2022\\/01\\/28\\/what-would-my-best-self-do\\/\\\"><strong>self-worth<\\/strong><\\/a>\\u00a0until they feel worthless. This makes it harder for the victim to leave as they believe they have no value and no-one else would want them.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"a8a4355\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"76890e4\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b3f198d\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Jealous or possessive behaviour\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"cbb7bd3\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6d32a30\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"95b3386\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Without them knowing or admitting it, an abuser is extremely fragile and fearful of their partner choosing to leave them or choosing to be with someone else. They are often possessive and jealous, wanting their victim to themselves. Abusers often control and manipulate their victim by frequently accusing them of cheating. Victims often alter their choices to not upset their abuser or not feel guilty about doing the wrong thing by their abuser.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"5140224\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2807894\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b202c79\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Isolating the victim from others\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"3f6568e\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"780f28e\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3377dce\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>A coercively controlling partner will try to isolate their victim from those closest to them. They may try to separate their victim by having them move away from their social and support network. They may tell lies about the victim\\u2019s network or fabricate lies to the network, so they cut the victim off. They don\\u2019t want their victim to talk to others about what\\u2019s happening in the relationship and want to always have control. They can even stop their victims from engaging in school or work.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"cec429b\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2ac6e1c\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1a7243f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Monitoring activity\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e61cb02\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"69c1edf\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a3f78c5\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Coercive control often involves constant monitoring of their victim. They may want their victim to feel their watchful presence or be secretive about it. This could be through social media, emails, phone messages or sophisticated spying software or generic mobile phone tracking devices. They may stalk their victim by following them or using voice recorders or cameras in the home or car that the victim may or may not know about. They use physical tracking devices hidden in or under the car.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"9cb8d00\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6d48801\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"35ac498\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Controlling the victim\\u2019s body\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"acccec1\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c8ffdb9\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"e9acc31\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Abusers often attempt to control how their victim looks. This may be their clothes, hair, makeup, what they consume in food and liquid, and their level of exercise. Some deny medical attention or medications to their victim. Abusers may make sexual demands. This could be in the frequency of sex, the sexual acts performed, what they do to the victim\\u2019s body without seeking permission, such as photos, videos or unprotected sex.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"75226b6\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"303cbb4\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"38cae4f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Restricting victim\\u2019s autonomy\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"8fcbe7c\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c551be8\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a89ccfc\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>We know the abuser want to have control of their victim. This means they may prevent them going to school, university, or work. They may try to remove access to their car or transport, so their victim has their movements restricted and decreases their independence. They may hide their devices, change passwords on their victim\\u2019s devices, banking or online accounts.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"6ae302d\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b555dfa\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"f648485\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Financial control over victim\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"f81d133\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6291bc5\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8abb0a2\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>This removes the victim\\u2019s ability to be independent and make their own decisions. It also prevents their ability to leave the relationship. This could be through monitoring victim\\u2019s expenditure, enforcing a strict allowance withholding sufficient funds to cover the essentials, not allowing the victim a credit card and hiding money from them.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"7a30934\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"525685f\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"dd10b1e\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Threats and intimidations\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"24f6ce9\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a7261e8\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3d67297\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>These can be threats or intimidation towards the victim\\u2019s family, friends, children, pets, or property, and they are used (misused) to keep the victim in line.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"f8c5af9\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2b74b97\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9b7a849\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Getting out safely\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"bcb6b4d\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"62d6f55\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"f4a8fa5\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Victims need to take care when leaving a coercive controlling abuser. It can be done, yet without care and planning it can be dangerous, or even fatal, to the victim.<\\/p>\\n<p>If you are unsure whether you are a victim of coercive control or you need help to leave safely, contact a helpline below:<\\/p>\\n<p><b>1800RESPECT<\\/b>:&nbsp;1800 737 732<\\/p>\\n<p><b>Kids Helpline<\\/b>:&nbsp;1800 55 1800<\\/p>\\n<p><b>Lifeline<\\/b>:&nbsp;13 11 14<\\/p>\\n<p>If you, your children, or extended family are in immediate danger, contact 000.<\\/p>\\n<p><i>Image source: Shutterstock (1705737463)<\\/i><\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(18854,5240,'_elementor_css','a:6:{s:4:\"time\";i:1661511306;s:5:\"fonts\";a:0:{}s:5:\"icons\";a:0:{}s:20:\"dynamic_elements_ids\";a:0:{}s:6:\"status\";s:4:\"file\";i:0;s:0:\"\";}'),(18855,5241,'_wp_page_template','default'),(18856,5241,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(18857,5241,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(18858,5241,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(18859,5241,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(18860,5241,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(18861,5241,'_thumbnail_id','5234'),(18862,5241,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Recently I finished watching the 3-part series by investigative journalist, Jess Hill, called \\u2018See what you made me do\\u2019. The documentary title is taken from the comment made by many perpetrators of domestic abuse who blame their victim \\u2013 their current or ex-partner \\u2013 for the violence they have inflicted upon them. The implication is \\u201cif you hadn\\u2019t made me angry by doing or saying that, then I wouldn\\u2019t have treated you so violently.\\u201d<\\/p><p><span style=\\\"color: inherit; font-family: inherit; font-weight: inherit; letter-spacing: 0px;\\\">Many of us are horrified when we read about the latest woman murdered by someone she had been with. Fifteen minutes ago, my partner told me of another woman killed, along with her 6-year-old child. Both were stabbed to death. Her 10-year-old child managed to run away, and I can only imagine the horrific Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) she will have. Like so many victims, she had tried to enlist the help of the police. Her killer was known to them, he was in their computer system.<\\/span><\\/p>\\n<p>Hill\\u2019s documentary outlines the complexity of domestic violence. What became clear is that we usually hear about the abuse via the media when a shocking incident, like a woman\\u2019s murder (and possibly her children as well), has taken place. However, this type of incident is just the tip of the iceberg. Prior to this, women have experienced another form of abuse called&nbsp;<strong>coercive control<\\/strong>.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"8d05ccc\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"35102fe\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"7f7befe\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"What is Coercive Control?\\n\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e876155\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"61d74fe\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a4d58ed\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>This is a form of abuse that involves a pattern of behaviours fostering a power imbalance to control one\\u2019s partner. These behaviours involve frightening, intimidating, and manipulating one\\u2019s victim leaving them terrified, dependent on their abuser, and also isolated from others.\\u00a0<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ef7660d\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"db32f0e\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"48138af\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"What are The Signs of Coercive Control?\\n\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"33bdadc\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"ac988e1\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"786efdc\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Degrading partner\\u2019s sense of self or self-esteem\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ceade32\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"bbcc6ca\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"024734e\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>This can be via insults, name calling, belittling, or bullying them. They chip away at their victim continuously reducing their\\u00a0<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/2022\\/01\\/28\\/what-would-my-best-self-do\\/\\\"><strong>self-worth<\\/strong><\\/a>\\u00a0until they feel worthless. This makes it harder for the victim to leave as they believe they have no value and no-one else would want them.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"a8a4355\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"76890e4\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b3f198d\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Jealous or possessive behaviour\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"cbb7bd3\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6d32a30\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"95b3386\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Without them knowing or admitting it, an abuser is extremely fragile and fearful of their partner choosing to leave them or choosing to be with someone else. They are often possessive and jealous, wanting their victim to themselves. Abusers often control and manipulate their victim by frequently accusing them of cheating. Victims often alter their choices to not upset their abuser or not feel guilty about doing the wrong thing by their abuser.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"5140224\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2807894\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b202c79\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Isolating the victim from others\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"3f6568e\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"780f28e\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3377dce\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>A coercively controlling partner will try to isolate their victim from those closest to them. They may try to separate their victim by having them move away from their social and support network. They may tell lies about the victim\\u2019s network or fabricate lies to the network, so they cut the victim off. They don\\u2019t want their victim to talk to others about what\\u2019s happening in the relationship and want to always have control. They can even stop their victims from engaging in school or work.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"cec429b\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2ac6e1c\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1a7243f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Monitoring activity\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e61cb02\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"69c1edf\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a3f78c5\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Coercive control often involves constant monitoring of their victim. They may want their victim to feel their watchful presence or be secretive about it. This could be through social media, emails, phone messages or sophisticated spying software or generic mobile phone tracking devices. They may stalk their victim by following them or using voice recorders or cameras in the home or car that the victim may or may not know about. They use physical tracking devices hidden in or under the car.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"9cb8d00\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6d48801\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"35ac498\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Controlling the victim\\u2019s body\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"acccec1\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c8ffdb9\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"e9acc31\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Abusers often attempt to control how their victim looks. This may be their clothes, hair, makeup, what they consume in food and liquid, and their level of exercise. Some deny medical attention or medications to their victim. Abusers may make sexual demands. This could be in the frequency of sex, the sexual acts performed, what they do to the victim\\u2019s body without seeking permission, such as photos, videos or unprotected sex.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"75226b6\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"303cbb4\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"38cae4f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Restricting victim\\u2019s autonomy\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"8fcbe7c\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c551be8\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a89ccfc\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>We know the abuser want to have control of their victim. This means they may prevent them going to school, university, or work. They may try to remove access to their car or transport, so their victim has their movements restricted and decreases their independence. They may hide their devices, change passwords on their victim\\u2019s devices, banking or online accounts.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"6ae302d\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b555dfa\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"f648485\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Financial control over victim\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"f81d133\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6291bc5\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8abb0a2\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>This removes the victim\\u2019s ability to be independent and make their own decisions. It also prevents their ability to leave the relationship. This could be through monitoring victim\\u2019s expenditure, enforcing a strict allowance withholding sufficient funds to cover the essentials, not allowing the victim a credit card and hiding money from them.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"7a30934\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"525685f\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"dd10b1e\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Threats and intimidations\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"24f6ce9\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a7261e8\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3d67297\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>These can be threats or intimidation towards the victim\\u2019s family, friends, children, pets, or property, and they are used (misused) to keep the victim in line.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"f8c5af9\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2b74b97\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9b7a849\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Getting out safely\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"bcb6b4d\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"62d6f55\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"f4a8fa5\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Victims need to take care when leaving a coercive controlling abuser. It can be done, yet without care and planning it can be dangerous, or even fatal, to the victim.<\\/p><p>If you are unsure whether you are a victim of coercive control or you need help to leave safely, contact a helpline below:<\\/p><p><b>1800RESPECT<\\/b>:\\u00a01800 737 732<\\/p><p><b>Kids Helpline<\\/b>:\\u00a01800 55 1800<\\/p><p><b>Lifeline<\\/b>:\\u00a013 11 14<\\/p><p>If you, your children, or extended family are in immediate danger, contact 000.<\\/p><p><i>Image source: Shutterstock (1705737463)<\\/i><\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(18863,5241,'_elementor_css','a:6:{s:4:\"time\";i:1661511306;s:5:\"fonts\";a:0:{}s:5:\"icons\";a:0:{}s:20:\"dynamic_elements_ids\";a:0:{}s:6:\"status\";s:4:\"file\";i:0;s:0:\"\";}'),(18867,5242,'_wp_page_template','default'),(18868,5242,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(18869,5242,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(18870,5242,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(18871,5242,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(18872,5242,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(18873,5242,'_thumbnail_id','5234'),(18874,5242,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Recently I finished watching the 3-part series by investigative journalist, Jess Hill, called \\u2018See what you made me do\\u2019. The documentary title is taken from the comment made by many perpetrators of domestic abuse who blame their victim \\u2013 their current or ex-partner \\u2013 for the violence they have inflicted upon them. The implication is \\u201cif you hadn\\u2019t made me angry by doing or saying that, then I wouldn\\u2019t have treated you so violently.\\u201d<\\/p><p><span style=\\\"color: inherit; font-family: inherit; font-weight: inherit; letter-spacing: 0px;\\\">Many of us are horrified when we read about the latest woman murdered by someone she had been with. Fifteen minutes ago, my partner told me of another woman killed, along with her 6-year-old child. Both were stabbed to death. Her 10-year-old child managed to run away, and I can only imagine the horrific Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) she will have. Like so many victims, she had tried to enlist the help of the police. Her killer was known to them, he was in their computer system.<\\/span><\\/p>\\n<p>Hill\\u2019s documentary outlines the complexity of domestic violence. What became clear is that we usually hear about the abuse via the media when a shocking incident, like a woman\\u2019s murder (and possibly her children as well), has taken place. However, this type of incident is just the tip of the iceberg. Prior to this, women have experienced another form of abuse called&nbsp;<strong>coercive control<\\/strong>.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"8d05ccc\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"35102fe\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"7f7befe\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"What is Coercive Control?\\n\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e876155\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"61d74fe\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a4d58ed\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>This is a form of abuse that involves a pattern of behaviours fostering a power imbalance to control one\\u2019s partner. These behaviours involve frightening, intimidating, and manipulating one\\u2019s victim leaving them terrified, dependent on their abuser, and also isolated from others.\\u00a0<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ef7660d\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"db32f0e\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"48138af\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"What are The Signs of Coercive Control?\\n\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"33bdadc\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"ac988e1\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"786efdc\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Degrading partner\\u2019s sense of self or self-esteem\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ceade32\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"bbcc6ca\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"024734e\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>This can be via insults, name calling, belittling, or bullying them. They chip away at their victim continuously reducing their\\u00a0<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/2022\\/01\\/28\\/what-would-my-best-self-do\\/\\\"><strong>self-worth<\\/strong><\\/a>\\u00a0until they feel worthless. This makes it harder for the victim to leave as they believe they have no value and no-one else would want them.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"a8a4355\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"76890e4\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b3f198d\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Jealous or possessive behaviour\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"cbb7bd3\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6d32a30\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"95b3386\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Without them knowing or admitting it, an abuser is extremely fragile and fearful of their partner choosing to leave them or choosing to be with someone else. They are often possessive and jealous, wanting their victim to themselves. Abusers often control and manipulate their victim by frequently accusing them of cheating. Victims often alter their choices to not upset their abuser or not feel guilty about doing the wrong thing by their abuser.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"5140224\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2807894\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b202c79\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Isolating the victim from others\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"3f6568e\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"780f28e\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3377dce\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>A coercively controlling partner will try to isolate their victim from those closest to them. They may try to separate their victim by having them move away from their social and support network. They may tell lies about the victim\\u2019s network or fabricate lies to the network, so they cut the victim off. They don\\u2019t want their victim to talk to others about what\\u2019s happening in the relationship and want to always have control. They can even stop their victims from engaging in school or work.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"cec429b\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2ac6e1c\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1a7243f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Monitoring activity\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e61cb02\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"69c1edf\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a3f78c5\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Coercive control often involves constant monitoring of their victim. They may want their victim to feel their watchful presence or be secretive about it. This could be through social media, emails, phone messages or sophisticated spying software or generic mobile phone tracking devices. They may stalk their victim by following them or using voice recorders or cameras in the home or car that the victim may or may not know about. They use physical tracking devices hidden in or under the car.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"9cb8d00\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6d48801\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"35ac498\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Controlling the victim\\u2019s body\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"acccec1\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c8ffdb9\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"e9acc31\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Abusers often attempt to control how their victim looks. This may be their clothes, hair, makeup, what they consume in food and liquid, and their level of exercise. Some deny medical attention or medications to their victim. Abusers may make sexual demands. This could be in the frequency of sex, the sexual acts performed, what they do to the victim\\u2019s body without seeking permission, such as photos, videos or unprotected sex.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"75226b6\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"303cbb4\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"38cae4f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Restricting victim\\u2019s autonomy\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"8fcbe7c\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c551be8\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a89ccfc\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>We know the abuser want to have control of their victim. This means they may prevent them going to school, university, or work. They may try to remove access to their car or transport, so their victim has their movements restricted and decreases their independence. They may hide their devices, change passwords on their victim\\u2019s devices, banking or online accounts.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"6ae302d\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b555dfa\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"f648485\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Financial control over victim\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"f81d133\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6291bc5\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8abb0a2\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>This removes the victim\\u2019s ability to be independent and make their own decisions. It also prevents their ability to leave the relationship. This could be through monitoring victim\\u2019s expenditure, enforcing a strict allowance withholding sufficient funds to cover the essentials, not allowing the victim a credit card and hiding money from them.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"7a30934\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"525685f\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"dd10b1e\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Threats and intimidations\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"24f6ce9\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a7261e8\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3d67297\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>These can be threats or intimidation towards the victim\\u2019s family, friends, children, pets, or property, and they are used (misused) to keep the victim in line.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"f8c5af9\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2b74b97\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9b7a849\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Getting out safely\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"bcb6b4d\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"62d6f55\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"f4a8fa5\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Victims need to take care when leaving a coercive controlling abuser. It can be done, yet without care and planning it can be dangerous, or even fatal, to the victim.<\\/p><p>If you are unsure whether you are a victim of coercive control or you need help to leave safely, contact a helpline below:<\\/p><p><b>1800RESPECT<\\/b>:\\u00a01800 737 732<\\/p><p><b>Kids Helpline<\\/b>:\\u00a01800 55 1800<\\/p><p><b>Lifeline<\\/b>:\\u00a013 11 14<\\/p><p>If you, your children, or extended family are in immediate danger, contact 000.<\\/p><p><i>Image source: Shutterstock (1705737463)<\\/i><\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(18875,5243,'_wp_page_template','default'),(18876,5243,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(18877,5243,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(18878,5243,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(18879,5243,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(18880,5243,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(18881,5243,'_thumbnail_id','5234'),(18882,5243,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Recently I finished watching the 3-part series by investigative journalist, Jess Hill, called \\u2018See what you made me do\\u2019. The documentary title is taken from the comment made by many perpetrators of domestic abuse who blame their victim \\u2013 their current or ex-partner \\u2013 for the violence they have inflicted upon them. The implication is \\u201cif you hadn\\u2019t made me angry by doing or saying that, then I wouldn\\u2019t have treated you so violently.\\u201d<\\/p><p><span style=\\\"color: inherit; font-family: inherit; font-weight: inherit; letter-spacing: 0px;\\\">Many of us are horrified when we read about the latest woman murdered by someone she had been with. Fifteen minutes ago, my partner told me of another woman killed, along with her 6-year-old child. Both were stabbed to death. Her 10-year-old child managed to run away, and I can only imagine the horrific Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) she will have. Like so many victims, she had tried to enlist the help of the police. Her killer was known to them, he was in their computer system.<\\/span><\\/p>\\n<p>Hill\\u2019s documentary outlines the complexity of domestic violence. What became clear is that we usually hear about the abuse via the media when a shocking incident, like a woman\\u2019s murder (and possibly her children as well), has taken place. However, this type of incident is just the tip of the iceberg. Prior to this, women have experienced another form of abuse called&nbsp;<strong>coercive control<\\/strong>.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"8d05ccc\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"35102fe\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"7f7befe\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"What is Coercive Control?\\n\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e876155\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"61d74fe\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a4d58ed\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>This is a form of abuse that involves a pattern of behaviours fostering a power imbalance to control one\\u2019s partner. These behaviours involve frightening, intimidating, and manipulating one\\u2019s victim leaving them terrified, dependent on their abuser, and also isolated from others.\\u00a0<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ef7660d\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"db32f0e\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"48138af\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"What are The Signs of Coercive Control?\\n\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"33bdadc\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"ac988e1\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"786efdc\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Degrading partner\\u2019s sense of self or self-esteem\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ceade32\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"bbcc6ca\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"024734e\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>This can be via insults, name calling, belittling, or bullying them. They chip away at their victim continuously reducing their\\u00a0<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/2022\\/01\\/28\\/what-would-my-best-self-do\\/\\\"><strong>self-worth<\\/strong><\\/a>\\u00a0until they feel worthless. This makes it harder for the victim to leave as they believe they have no value and no-one else would want them.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"a8a4355\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"76890e4\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b3f198d\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Jealous or possessive behaviour\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"cbb7bd3\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6d32a30\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"95b3386\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Without them knowing or admitting it, an abuser is extremely fragile and fearful of their partner choosing to leave them or choosing to be with someone else. They are often possessive and jealous, wanting their victim to themselves. Abusers often control and manipulate their victim by frequently accusing them of cheating. Victims often alter their choices to not upset their abuser or not feel guilty about doing the wrong thing by their abuser.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"5140224\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2807894\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b202c79\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Isolating the victim from others\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"3f6568e\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"780f28e\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3377dce\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>A coercively controlling partner will try to isolate their victim from those closest to them. They may try to separate their victim by having them move away from their social and support network. They may tell lies about the victim\\u2019s network or fabricate lies to the network, so they cut the victim off. They don\\u2019t want their victim to talk to others about what\\u2019s happening in the relationship and want to always have control. They can even stop their victims from engaging in school or work.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"cec429b\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2ac6e1c\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1a7243f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Monitoring activity\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e61cb02\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"69c1edf\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a3f78c5\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Coercive control often involves constant monitoring of their victim. They may want their victim to feel their watchful presence or be secretive about it. This could be through social media, emails, phone messages or sophisticated spying software or generic mobile phone tracking devices. They may stalk their victim by following them or using voice recorders or cameras in the home or car that the victim may or may not know about. They use physical tracking devices hidden in or under the car.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"9cb8d00\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6d48801\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"35ac498\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Controlling the victim\\u2019s body\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"acccec1\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c8ffdb9\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"e9acc31\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Abusers often attempt to control how their victim looks. This may be their clothes, hair, makeup, what they consume in food and liquid, and their level of exercise. Some deny medical attention or medications to their victim. Abusers may make sexual demands. This could be in the frequency of sex, the sexual acts performed, what they do to the victim\\u2019s body without seeking permission, such as photos, videos or unprotected sex.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"75226b6\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"303cbb4\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"38cae4f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Restricting victim\\u2019s autonomy\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"8fcbe7c\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c551be8\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a89ccfc\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>We know the abuser want to have control of their victim. This means they may prevent them going to school, university, or work. They may try to remove access to their car or transport, so their victim has their movements restricted and decreases their independence. They may hide their devices, change passwords on their victim\\u2019s devices, banking or online accounts.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"6ae302d\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b555dfa\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"f648485\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Financial control over victim\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"f81d133\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6291bc5\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8abb0a2\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>This removes the victim\\u2019s ability to be independent and make their own decisions. It also prevents their ability to leave the relationship. This could be through monitoring victim\\u2019s expenditure, enforcing a strict allowance withholding sufficient funds to cover the essentials, not allowing the victim a credit card and hiding money from them.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"7a30934\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"525685f\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"dd10b1e\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Threats and intimidations\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"24f6ce9\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a7261e8\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3d67297\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>These can be threats or intimidation towards the victim\\u2019s family, friends, children, pets, or property, and they are used (misused) to keep the victim in line.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"f8c5af9\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2b74b97\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9b7a849\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Getting out safely\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"bcb6b4d\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"62d6f55\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"f4a8fa5\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Victims need to take care when leaving a coercive controlling abuser. It can be done, yet without care and planning it can be dangerous, or even fatal, to the victim.<\\/p><p>If you are unsure whether you are a victim of coercive control or you need help to leave safely, contact a helpline below:<\\/p><p><b>1800RESPECT<\\/b>:\\u00a01800 737 732<\\/p><p><b>Kids Helpline<\\/b>:\\u00a01800 55 1800<\\/p><p><b>Lifeline<\\/b>:\\u00a013 11 14<\\/p><p>If you, your children, or extended family are in immediate danger, contact 000.<\\/p><p><i>Image source: Shutterstock (1705737463)<\\/i><\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(18883,5244,'_wp_page_template','default'),(18884,5244,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(18885,5244,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(18886,5244,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(18887,5244,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(18888,5244,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(18889,5244,'_thumbnail_id','5234'),(18890,5244,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Recently I finished watching the 3-part series by investigative journalist, Jess Hill, called \\u2018See what you made me do\\u2019. The documentary title is taken from the comment made by many perpetrators of domestic abuse who blame their victim \\u2013 their current or ex-partner \\u2013 for the violence they have inflicted upon them. The implication is \\u201cif you hadn\\u2019t made me angry by doing or saying that, then I wouldn\\u2019t have treated you so violently.\\u201d<\\/p><p><span style=\\\"color: inherit; font-family: inherit; font-weight: inherit; letter-spacing: 0px;\\\">Many of us are horrified when we read about the latest woman murdered by someone she had been with. Fifteen minutes ago, my partner told me of another woman killed, along with her 6-year-old child. Both were stabbed to death. Her 10-year-old child managed to run away, and I can only imagine the horrific Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) she will have. Like so many victims, she had tried to enlist the help of the police. Her killer was known to them, he was in their computer system.<\\/span><\\/p><p>Hill\\u2019s documentary outlines the complexity of domestic violence. What became clear is that we usually hear about the abuse via the media when a shocking incident, like a woman\\u2019s murder (and possibly her children as well), has taken place. However, this type of incident is just the tip of the iceberg. Prior to this, women have experienced another form of abuse called\\u00a0<strong>coercive control<\\/strong>.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"8d05ccc\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"35102fe\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"7f7befe\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"What is Coercive Control?\\n\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e876155\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"61d74fe\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a4d58ed\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>This is a form of abuse that involves a pattern of behaviours fostering a power imbalance to control one\\u2019s partner. These behaviours involve frightening, intimidating, and manipulating one\\u2019s victim leaving them terrified, dependent on their abuser, and also isolated from others.\\u00a0<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ef7660d\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"db32f0e\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"48138af\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"What are The Signs of Coercive Control?\\n\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"33bdadc\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"ac988e1\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"786efdc\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Degrading partner\\u2019s sense of self or self-esteem\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ceade32\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"bbcc6ca\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"024734e\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>This can be via insults, name calling, belittling, or bullying them. They chip away at their victim continuously reducing their\\u00a0<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/2022\\/01\\/28\\/what-would-my-best-self-do\\/\\\"><strong>self-worth<\\/strong><\\/a>\\u00a0until they feel worthless. This makes it harder for the victim to leave as they believe they have no value and no-one else would want them.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"a8a4355\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"76890e4\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b3f198d\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Jealous or possessive behaviour\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"cbb7bd3\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6d32a30\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"95b3386\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Without them knowing or admitting it, an abuser is extremely fragile and fearful of their partner choosing to leave them or choosing to be with someone else. They are often possessive and jealous, wanting their victim to themselves. Abusers often control and manipulate their victim by frequently accusing them of cheating. Victims often alter their choices to not upset their abuser or not feel guilty about doing the wrong thing by their abuser.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"5140224\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2807894\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b202c79\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Isolating the victim from others\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"3f6568e\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"780f28e\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3377dce\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>A coercively controlling partner will try to isolate their victim from those closest to them. They may try to separate their victim by having them move away from their social and support network. They may tell lies about the victim\\u2019s network or fabricate lies to the network, so they cut the victim off. They don\\u2019t want their victim to talk to others about what\\u2019s happening in the relationship and want to always have control. They can even stop their victims from engaging in school or work.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"cec429b\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2ac6e1c\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1a7243f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Monitoring activity\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e61cb02\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"69c1edf\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a3f78c5\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Coercive control often involves constant monitoring of their victim. They may want their victim to feel their watchful presence or be secretive about it. This could be through social media, emails, phone messages or sophisticated spying software or generic mobile phone tracking devices. They may stalk their victim by following them or using voice recorders or cameras in the home or car that the victim may or may not know about. They use physical tracking devices hidden in or under the car.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"9cb8d00\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6d48801\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"35ac498\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Controlling the victim\\u2019s body\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"acccec1\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c8ffdb9\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"e9acc31\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Abusers often attempt to control how their victim looks. This may be their clothes, hair, makeup, what they consume in food and liquid, and their level of exercise. Some deny medical attention or medications to their victim. Abusers may make sexual demands. This could be in the frequency of sex, the sexual acts performed, what they do to the victim\\u2019s body without seeking permission, such as photos, videos or unprotected sex.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"75226b6\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"303cbb4\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"38cae4f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Restricting victim\\u2019s autonomy\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"8fcbe7c\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c551be8\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a89ccfc\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>We know the abuser want to have control of their victim. This means they may prevent them going to school, university, or work. They may try to remove access to their car or transport, so their victim has their movements restricted and decreases their independence. They may hide their devices, change passwords on their victim\\u2019s devices, banking or online accounts.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"6ae302d\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b555dfa\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"f648485\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Financial control over victim\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"f81d133\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6291bc5\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8abb0a2\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>This removes the victim\\u2019s ability to be independent and make their own decisions. It also prevents their ability to leave the relationship. This could be through monitoring victim\\u2019s expenditure, enforcing a strict allowance withholding sufficient funds to cover the essentials, not allowing the victim a credit card and hiding money from them.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"7a30934\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"525685f\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"dd10b1e\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Threats and intimidations\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"24f6ce9\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a7261e8\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3d67297\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>These can be threats or intimidation towards the victim\\u2019s family, friends, children, pets, or property, and they are used (misused) to keep the victim in line.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"f8c5af9\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2b74b97\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9b7a849\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Getting out safely\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"bcb6b4d\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"62d6f55\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"f4a8fa5\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Victims need to take care when leaving a coercive controlling abuser. It can be done, yet without care and planning it can be dangerous, or even fatal, to the victim.<\\/p><p>If you are unsure whether you are a victim of coercive control or you need help to leave safely, contact a helpline below:<\\/p><p><b>1800RESPECT<\\/b>:\\u00a01800 737 732<\\/p><p><b>Kids Helpline<\\/b>:\\u00a01800 55 1800<\\/p><p><b>Lifeline<\\/b>:\\u00a013 11 14<\\/p><p>If you, your children, or extended family are in immediate danger, contact 000.<\\/p><p><i>Image source: Shutterstock (1705737463)<\\/i><\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(18891,5233,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:4:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:11;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:11;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:22;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:22;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:22;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}s:7:\"heading\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:11;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:2:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:13:\"section_title\";a:2:{s:5:\"title\";i:11;s:11:\"header_size\";i:8;}}s:5:\"style\";a:1:{s:19:\"section_title_style\";a:1:{s:11:\"title_color\";i:8;}}}}}'),(18892,5245,'_edit_last','2'),(18893,5245,'_edit_lock','1661511654:2'),(18894,5245,'_wp_page_template','default'),(18895,5245,'featured-video-url',''),(18896,5245,'featured-quote-text',''),(18897,5245,'featured-quote-cite',''),(18898,5245,'featured-audio-url',''),(18899,5245,'featured-link-url',''),(18900,5245,'featured-link-text',''),(18901,5245,'featured-link-short',''),(18902,5245,'post_content_padding','a:3:{s:5:\"units\";s:2:\"px\";s:11:\"padding-top\";s:0:\"\";s:14:\"padding-bottom\";s:0:\"\";}'),(18903,5245,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(18904,5245,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(18905,5245,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(18906,5245,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(18907,5245,'_oembed_2bb6871532de21756d5d7ddb684aaeb8','<iframe title=\"245 - 3 Secrets to Beat Performance Anxiety by Savvy Psychologist\" width=\"640\" height=\"400\" scrolling=\"no\" frameborder=\"no\" src=\"https://w.soundcloud.com/player/?visual=true&url=https%3A%2F%2Fapi.soundcloud.com%2Ftracks%2F621931155&show_artwork=true&maxheight=960&maxwidth=640\"></iframe>'),(18908,5245,'_oembed_time_2bb6871532de21756d5d7ddb684aaeb8','1658107090'),(18909,5245,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(18910,5245,'_wp_old_date','2022-07-18'),(18911,5245,'_thumbnail_id','5246'),(18912,5245,'_wp_old_date','2022-08-07'),(18913,5245,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>A couple relationship is created by the two unique individuals who are drawn together for various reasons. Whatever the reasons, both individuals make an effort to be impressive, attentive, interesting, caring and thoughtful.<\\/p><p>I know this well. Prior to having children, I remember spending at least an hour to get ready to go out with someone I wanted to impress. My freshly washed hair perfectly in place. Make-up to look natural. My blemishes completely covered up to look as flawless as possible. How indulgent all that feels now. I\\u2019d kill to get some of those hours back!<\\/p><p>A dear client recently showed me a photo of an incredible meal he\\u2019d prepared for a prospective partner. It looked spectacular. I joked with him to \\u201cShow me the same level of meal preparation and detail for her in 2 years\\u2019 time!\\u201d He laughed at this because deep down he knows, and we all know, that we reveal the best of ourselves to get a relationship over the line. We want to be impressive. 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Sometimes we turn a blind eye to these weeds, even convincing ourselves that a solid commitment will solve the problem.<\\/p><p>So what happens to the watering system when we\\u2019ve made the commitment? Well, many partners turn the water pressure down. They stop feeling the need to be as impressive or sexually adventurous, or as attentive as they were before. It doesn\\u2019t happen all at once, just bit by bit the watering decreases.<\\/p><p>Then after a period there may be some children on the scene. These wholly dependent beings need the watering and many of us are happy to turn the water pressure up blasting our love, curiosity, devotion, time, and effort in their direction. They need this from us to thrive. They need to be continuously watered.<\\/p><p>And this is where so many unions become unstuck. Partners become lonely, overworked, unseen, or exhausted. Both parenting and being a family unit can be wonderful and satisfying, yet also relentless. 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No use without permission.\";s:12:\"focal_length\";s:1:\"0\";s:3:\"iso\";s:1:\"0\";s:13:\"shutter_speed\";s:1:\"0\";s:5:\"title\";s:60:\"Young,Couple,Planting,The,Tree,While,Watering,A,Tree,Working\";s:11:\"orientation\";s:1:\"1\";s:8:\"keywords\";a:1:{i:0;s:64:\"save the world,dig,ecosystem,regeneration,helping,shovel,spring,\";}}}'),(18926,5247,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(18927,5247,'_wp_page_template','default'),(18928,5247,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(18929,5247,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(18930,5247,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(18931,5247,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(18932,5247,'_thumbnail_id','5246'),(18933,5247,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Recently I finished watching the 3-part series by investigative journalist, Jess Hill, called \\u2018See what you made me do\\u2019. The documentary title is taken from the comment made by many perpetrators of domestic abuse who blame their victim \\u2013 their current or ex-partner \\u2013 for the violence they have inflicted upon them. The implication is \\u201cif you hadn\\u2019t made me angry by doing or saying that, then I wouldn\\u2019t have treated you so violently.\\u201d<\\/p><p><span style=\\\"color: inherit; font-family: inherit; font-weight: inherit; letter-spacing: 0px;\\\">Many of us are horrified when we read about the latest woman murdered by someone she had been with. Fifteen minutes ago, my partner told me of another woman killed, along with her 6-year-old child. Both were stabbed to death. Her 10-year-old child managed to run away, and I can only imagine the horrific Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) she will have. Like so many victims, she had tried to enlist the help of the police. Her killer was known to them, he was in their computer system.<\\/span><\\/p><p>Hill\\u2019s documentary outlines the complexity of domestic violence. What became clear is that we usually hear about the abuse via the media when a shocking incident, like a woman\\u2019s murder (and possibly her children as well), has taken place. However, this type of incident is just the tip of the iceberg. Prior to this, women have experienced another form of abuse called\\u00a0<strong>coercive control<\\/strong>.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"8d05ccc\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"35102fe\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"7f7befe\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"What is Coercive Control?\\n\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e876155\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"61d74fe\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a4d58ed\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>This is a form of abuse that involves a pattern of behaviours fostering a power imbalance to control one\\u2019s partner. These behaviours involve frightening, intimidating, and manipulating one\\u2019s victim leaving them terrified, dependent on their abuser, and also isolated from others.\\u00a0<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ef7660d\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"db32f0e\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"48138af\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"What are The Signs of Coercive Control?\\n\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"33bdadc\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"ac988e1\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"786efdc\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Degrading partner\\u2019s sense of self or self-esteem\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ceade32\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"bbcc6ca\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"024734e\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>This can be via insults, name calling, belittling, or bullying them. They chip away at their victim continuously reducing their\\u00a0<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/2022\\/01\\/28\\/what-would-my-best-self-do\\/\\\"><strong>self-worth<\\/strong><\\/a>\\u00a0until they feel worthless. This makes it harder for the victim to leave as they believe they have no value and no-one else would want them.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"a8a4355\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"76890e4\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b3f198d\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Jealous or possessive behaviour\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"cbb7bd3\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6d32a30\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"95b3386\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Without them knowing or admitting it, an abuser is extremely fragile and fearful of their partner choosing to leave them or choosing to be with someone else. They are often possessive and jealous, wanting their victim to themselves. Abusers often control and manipulate their victim by frequently accusing them of cheating. Victims often alter their choices to not upset their abuser or not feel guilty about doing the wrong thing by their abuser.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"5140224\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2807894\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b202c79\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Isolating the victim from others\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"3f6568e\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"780f28e\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3377dce\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>A coercively controlling partner will try to isolate their victim from those closest to them. They may try to separate their victim by having them move away from their social and support network. They may tell lies about the victim\\u2019s network or fabricate lies to the network, so they cut the victim off. They don\\u2019t want their victim to talk to others about what\\u2019s happening in the relationship and want to always have control. They can even stop their victims from engaging in school or work.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"cec429b\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2ac6e1c\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1a7243f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Monitoring activity\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e61cb02\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"69c1edf\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a3f78c5\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Coercive control often involves constant monitoring of their victim. They may want their victim to feel their watchful presence or be secretive about it. This could be through social media, emails, phone messages or sophisticated spying software or generic mobile phone tracking devices. They may stalk their victim by following them or using voice recorders or cameras in the home or car that the victim may or may not know about. They use physical tracking devices hidden in or under the car.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"9cb8d00\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6d48801\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"35ac498\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Controlling the victim\\u2019s body\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"acccec1\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c8ffdb9\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"e9acc31\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Abusers often attempt to control how their victim looks. This may be their clothes, hair, makeup, what they consume in food and liquid, and their level of exercise. Some deny medical attention or medications to their victim. Abusers may make sexual demands. This could be in the frequency of sex, the sexual acts performed, what they do to the victim\\u2019s body without seeking permission, such as photos, videos or unprotected sex.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"75226b6\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"303cbb4\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"38cae4f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Restricting victim\\u2019s autonomy\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"8fcbe7c\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c551be8\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a89ccfc\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>We know the abuser want to have control of their victim. This means they may prevent them going to school, university, or work. They may try to remove access to their car or transport, so their victim has their movements restricted and decreases their independence. They may hide their devices, change passwords on their victim\\u2019s devices, banking or online accounts.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"6ae302d\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b555dfa\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"f648485\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Financial control over victim\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"f81d133\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6291bc5\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8abb0a2\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>This removes the victim\\u2019s ability to be independent and make their own decisions. It also prevents their ability to leave the relationship. This could be through monitoring victim\\u2019s expenditure, enforcing a strict allowance withholding sufficient funds to cover the essentials, not allowing the victim a credit card and hiding money from them.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"7a30934\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"525685f\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"dd10b1e\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Threats and intimidations\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"24f6ce9\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a7261e8\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3d67297\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>These can be threats or intimidation towards the victim\\u2019s family, friends, children, pets, or property, and they are used (misused) to keep the victim in line.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"f8c5af9\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2b74b97\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9b7a849\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Getting out safely\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"bcb6b4d\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"62d6f55\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"f4a8fa5\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Victims need to take care when leaving a coercive controlling abuser. It can be done, yet without care and planning it can be dangerous, or even fatal, to the victim.<\\/p><p>If you are unsure whether you are a victim of coercive control or you need help to leave safely, contact a helpline below:<\\/p><p><b>1800RESPECT<\\/b>:\\u00a01800 737 732<\\/p><p><b>Kids Helpline<\\/b>:\\u00a01800 55 1800<\\/p><p><b>Lifeline<\\/b>:\\u00a013 11 14<\\/p><p>If you, your children, or extended family are in immediate danger, contact 000.<\\/p><p><i>Image source: Shutterstock (1705737463)<\\/i><\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(18934,5247,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:4:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:11;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:11;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:22;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:22;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:22;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}s:7:\"heading\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:11;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:2:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:13:\"section_title\";a:2:{s:5:\"title\";i:11;s:11:\"header_size\";i:8;}}s:5:\"style\";a:1:{s:19:\"section_title_style\";a:1:{s:11:\"title_color\";i:8;}}}}}'),(18935,5247,'_elementor_css','a:7:{s:4:\"time\";i:1661511349;s:5:\"fonts\";a:0:{}s:5:\"icons\";a:0:{}s:20:\"dynamic_elements_ids\";a:0:{}s:6:\"status\";s:5:\"empty\";i:0;s:0:\"\";s:3:\"css\";s:0:\"\";}'),(18938,5248,'_wp_page_template','default'),(18939,5248,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(18940,5248,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(18941,5248,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(18942,5248,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(18943,5248,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(18944,5248,'_thumbnail_id','5246'),(18945,5248,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Recently I finished watching the 3-part series by investigative journalist, Jess Hill, called \\u2018See what you made me do\\u2019. The documentary title is taken from the comment made by many perpetrators of domestic abuse who blame their victim \\u2013 their current or ex-partner \\u2013 for the violence they have inflicted upon them. The implication is \\u201cif you hadn\\u2019t made me angry by doing or saying that, then I wouldn\\u2019t have treated you so violently.\\u201d<\\/p><p><span style=\\\"color: inherit; font-family: inherit; font-weight: inherit; letter-spacing: 0px;\\\">Many of us are horrified when we read about the latest woman murdered by someone she had been with. Fifteen minutes ago, my partner told me of another woman killed, along with her 6-year-old child. Both were stabbed to death. Her 10-year-old child managed to run away, and I can only imagine the horrific Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) she will have. Like so many victims, she had tried to enlist the help of the police. Her killer was known to them, he was in their computer system.<\\/span><\\/p><p>Hill\\u2019s documentary outlines the complexity of domestic violence. What became clear is that we usually hear about the abuse via the media when a shocking incident, like a woman\\u2019s murder (and possibly her children as well), has taken place. However, this type of incident is just the tip of the iceberg. Prior to this, women have experienced another form of abuse called\\u00a0<strong>coercive control<\\/strong>.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"8d05ccc\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"35102fe\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"7f7befe\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"What is Coercive Control?\\n\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e876155\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"61d74fe\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a4d58ed\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>This is a form of abuse that involves a pattern of behaviours fostering a power imbalance to control one\\u2019s partner. These behaviours involve frightening, intimidating, and manipulating one\\u2019s victim leaving them terrified, dependent on their abuser, and also isolated from others.\\u00a0<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ef7660d\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"db32f0e\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"48138af\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"What are The Signs of Coercive Control?\\n\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"33bdadc\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"ac988e1\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"786efdc\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Degrading partner\\u2019s sense of self or self-esteem\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ceade32\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"bbcc6ca\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"024734e\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>This can be via insults, name calling, belittling, or bullying them. They chip away at their victim continuously reducing their\\u00a0<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/2022\\/01\\/28\\/what-would-my-best-self-do\\/\\\"><strong>self-worth<\\/strong><\\/a>\\u00a0until they feel worthless. This makes it harder for the victim to leave as they believe they have no value and no-one else would want them.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"a8a4355\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"76890e4\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b3f198d\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Jealous or possessive behaviour\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"cbb7bd3\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6d32a30\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"95b3386\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Without them knowing or admitting it, an abuser is extremely fragile and fearful of their partner choosing to leave them or choosing to be with someone else. They are often possessive and jealous, wanting their victim to themselves. Abusers often control and manipulate their victim by frequently accusing them of cheating. Victims often alter their choices to not upset their abuser or not feel guilty about doing the wrong thing by their abuser.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"5140224\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2807894\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b202c79\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Isolating the victim from others\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"3f6568e\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"780f28e\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3377dce\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>A coercively controlling partner will try to isolate their victim from those closest to them. They may try to separate their victim by having them move away from their social and support network. They may tell lies about the victim\\u2019s network or fabricate lies to the network, so they cut the victim off. They don\\u2019t want their victim to talk to others about what\\u2019s happening in the relationship and want to always have control. They can even stop their victims from engaging in school or work.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"cec429b\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2ac6e1c\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1a7243f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Monitoring activity\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e61cb02\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"69c1edf\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a3f78c5\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Coercive control often involves constant monitoring of their victim. They may want their victim to feel their watchful presence or be secretive about it. This could be through social media, emails, phone messages or sophisticated spying software or generic mobile phone tracking devices. They may stalk their victim by following them or using voice recorders or cameras in the home or car that the victim may or may not know about. They use physical tracking devices hidden in or under the car.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"9cb8d00\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6d48801\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"35ac498\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Controlling the victim\\u2019s body\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"acccec1\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c8ffdb9\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"e9acc31\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Abusers often attempt to control how their victim looks. This may be their clothes, hair, makeup, what they consume in food and liquid, and their level of exercise. Some deny medical attention or medications to their victim. Abusers may make sexual demands. This could be in the frequency of sex, the sexual acts performed, what they do to the victim\\u2019s body without seeking permission, such as photos, videos or unprotected sex.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"75226b6\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"303cbb4\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"38cae4f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Restricting victim\\u2019s autonomy\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"8fcbe7c\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c551be8\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a89ccfc\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>We know the abuser want to have control of their victim. This means they may prevent them going to school, university, or work. They may try to remove access to their car or transport, so their victim has their movements restricted and decreases their independence. They may hide their devices, change passwords on their victim\\u2019s devices, banking or online accounts.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"6ae302d\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b555dfa\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"f648485\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Financial control over victim\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"f81d133\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6291bc5\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8abb0a2\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>This removes the victim\\u2019s ability to be independent and make their own decisions. It also prevents their ability to leave the relationship. This could be through monitoring victim\\u2019s expenditure, enforcing a strict allowance withholding sufficient funds to cover the essentials, not allowing the victim a credit card and hiding money from them.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"7a30934\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"525685f\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"dd10b1e\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Threats and intimidations\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"24f6ce9\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a7261e8\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3d67297\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>These can be threats or intimidation towards the victim\\u2019s family, friends, children, pets, or property, and they are used (misused) to keep the victim in line.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"f8c5af9\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2b74b97\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9b7a849\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Getting out safely\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"bcb6b4d\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"62d6f55\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"f4a8fa5\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Victims need to take care when leaving a coercive controlling abuser. It can be done, yet without care and planning it can be dangerous, or even fatal, to the victim.<\\/p><p>If you are unsure whether you are a victim of coercive control or you need help to leave safely, contact a helpline below:<\\/p><p><b>1800RESPECT<\\/b>:\\u00a01800 737 732<\\/p><p><b>Kids Helpline<\\/b>:\\u00a01800 55 1800<\\/p><p><b>Lifeline<\\/b>:\\u00a013 11 14<\\/p><p>If you, your children, or extended family are in immediate danger, contact 000.<\\/p><p><i>Image source: Shutterstock (1705737463)<\\/i><\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(18946,5248,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:4:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:11;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:11;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:22;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:22;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:22;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}s:7:\"heading\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:11;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:2:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:13:\"section_title\";a:2:{s:5:\"title\";i:11;s:11:\"header_size\";i:8;}}s:5:\"style\";a:1:{s:19:\"section_title_style\";a:1:{s:11:\"title_color\";i:8;}}}}}'),(18947,5248,'_elementor_css','a:7:{s:4:\"time\";i:1661511349;s:5:\"fonts\";a:0:{}s:5:\"icons\";a:0:{}s:20:\"dynamic_elements_ids\";a:0:{}s:6:\"status\";s:5:\"empty\";i:0;s:0:\"\";s:3:\"css\";s:0:\"\";}'),(18948,5249,'_wp_page_template','default'),(18949,5249,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(18950,5249,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(18951,5249,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(18952,5249,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(18953,5249,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(18954,5249,'_thumbnail_id','5246'),(18955,5249,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Recently I finished watching the 3-part series by investigative journalist, Jess Hill, called \\u2018See what you made me do\\u2019. The documentary title is taken from the comment made by many perpetrators of domestic abuse who blame their victim \\u2013 their current or ex-partner \\u2013 for the violence they have inflicted upon them. The implication is \\u201cif you hadn\\u2019t made me angry by doing or saying that, then I wouldn\\u2019t have treated you so violently.\\u201d<\\/p><p><span style=\\\"color: inherit; font-family: inherit; font-weight: inherit; letter-spacing: 0px;\\\">Many of us are horrified when we read about the latest woman murdered by someone she had been with. Fifteen minutes ago, my partner told me of another woman killed, along with her 6-year-old child. Both were stabbed to death. Her 10-year-old child managed to run away, and I can only imagine the horrific Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) she will have. Like so many victims, she had tried to enlist the help of the police. Her killer was known to them, he was in their computer system.<\\/span><\\/p><p>Hill\\u2019s documentary outlines the complexity of domestic violence. What became clear is that we usually hear about the abuse via the media when a shocking incident, like a woman\\u2019s murder (and possibly her children as well), has taken place. However, this type of incident is just the tip of the iceberg. Prior to this, women have experienced another form of abuse called\\u00a0<strong>coercive control<\\/strong>.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"8d05ccc\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"35102fe\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"7f7befe\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"What is Coercive Control?\\n\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e876155\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"61d74fe\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a4d58ed\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>This is a form of abuse that involves a pattern of behaviours fostering a power imbalance to control one\\u2019s partner. These behaviours involve frightening, intimidating, and manipulating one\\u2019s victim leaving them terrified, dependent on their abuser, and also isolated from others.\\u00a0<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ef7660d\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"db32f0e\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"48138af\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"What are The Signs of Coercive Control?\\n\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"33bdadc\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"ac988e1\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"786efdc\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Degrading partner\\u2019s sense of self or self-esteem\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ceade32\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"bbcc6ca\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"024734e\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>This can be via insults, name calling, belittling, or bullying them. They chip away at their victim continuously reducing their\\u00a0<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/2022\\/01\\/28\\/what-would-my-best-self-do\\/\\\"><strong>self-worth<\\/strong><\\/a>\\u00a0until they feel worthless. This makes it harder for the victim to leave as they believe they have no value and no-one else would want them.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"a8a4355\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"76890e4\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b3f198d\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Jealous or possessive behaviour\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"cbb7bd3\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6d32a30\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"95b3386\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Without them knowing or admitting it, an abuser is extremely fragile and fearful of their partner choosing to leave them or choosing to be with someone else. They are often possessive and jealous, wanting their victim to themselves. Abusers often control and manipulate their victim by frequently accusing them of cheating. Victims often alter their choices to not upset their abuser or not feel guilty about doing the wrong thing by their abuser.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"5140224\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2807894\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b202c79\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Isolating the victim from others\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"3f6568e\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"780f28e\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3377dce\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>A coercively controlling partner will try to isolate their victim from those closest to them. They may try to separate their victim by having them move away from their social and support network. They may tell lies about the victim\\u2019s network or fabricate lies to the network, so they cut the victim off. They don\\u2019t want their victim to talk to others about what\\u2019s happening in the relationship and want to always have control. They can even stop their victims from engaging in school or work.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"cec429b\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2ac6e1c\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1a7243f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Monitoring activity\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e61cb02\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"69c1edf\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a3f78c5\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Coercive control often involves constant monitoring of their victim. They may want their victim to feel their watchful presence or be secretive about it. This could be through social media, emails, phone messages or sophisticated spying software or generic mobile phone tracking devices. They may stalk their victim by following them or using voice recorders or cameras in the home or car that the victim may or may not know about. They use physical tracking devices hidden in or under the car.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"9cb8d00\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6d48801\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"35ac498\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Controlling the victim\\u2019s body\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"acccec1\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c8ffdb9\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"e9acc31\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Abusers often attempt to control how their victim looks. This may be their clothes, hair, makeup, what they consume in food and liquid, and their level of exercise. Some deny medical attention or medications to their victim. Abusers may make sexual demands. This could be in the frequency of sex, the sexual acts performed, what they do to the victim\\u2019s body without seeking permission, such as photos, videos or unprotected sex.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"75226b6\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"303cbb4\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"38cae4f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Restricting victim\\u2019s autonomy\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"8fcbe7c\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c551be8\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a89ccfc\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>We know the abuser want to have control of their victim. This means they may prevent them going to school, university, or work. They may try to remove access to their car or transport, so their victim has their movements restricted and decreases their independence. They may hide their devices, change passwords on their victim\\u2019s devices, banking or online accounts.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"6ae302d\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b555dfa\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"f648485\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Financial control over victim\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"f81d133\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6291bc5\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8abb0a2\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>This removes the victim\\u2019s ability to be independent and make their own decisions. It also prevents their ability to leave the relationship. This could be through monitoring victim\\u2019s expenditure, enforcing a strict allowance withholding sufficient funds to cover the essentials, not allowing the victim a credit card and hiding money from them.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"7a30934\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"525685f\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"dd10b1e\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Threats and intimidations\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"24f6ce9\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a7261e8\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3d67297\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>These can be threats or intimidation towards the victim\\u2019s family, friends, children, pets, or property, and they are used (misused) to keep the victim in line.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"f8c5af9\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2b74b97\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9b7a849\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Getting out safely\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"bcb6b4d\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"62d6f55\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"f4a8fa5\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Victims need to take care when leaving a coercive controlling abuser. It can be done, yet without care and planning it can be dangerous, or even fatal, to the victim.<\\/p><p>If you are unsure whether you are a victim of coercive control or you need help to leave safely, contact a helpline below:<\\/p><p><b>1800RESPECT<\\/b>:\\u00a01800 737 732<\\/p><p><b>Kids Helpline<\\/b>:\\u00a01800 55 1800<\\/p><p><b>Lifeline<\\/b>:\\u00a013 11 14<\\/p><p>If you, your children, or extended family are in immediate danger, contact 000.<\\/p><p><i>Image source: Shutterstock (1705737463)<\\/i><\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(18956,5249,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:4:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:11;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:11;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:22;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:22;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:22;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}s:7:\"heading\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:11;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:2:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:13:\"section_title\";a:2:{s:5:\"title\";i:11;s:11:\"header_size\";i:8;}}s:5:\"style\";a:1:{s:19:\"section_title_style\";a:1:{s:11:\"title_color\";i:8;}}}}}'),(18957,5249,'_elementor_css','a:7:{s:4:\"time\";i:1661511349;s:5:\"fonts\";a:0:{}s:5:\"icons\";a:0:{}s:20:\"dynamic_elements_ids\";a:0:{}s:6:\"status\";s:5:\"empty\";i:0;s:0:\"\";s:3:\"css\";s:0:\"\";}'),(18958,5250,'_wp_page_template','default'),(18959,5250,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(18960,5250,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(18961,5250,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(18962,5250,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(18963,5250,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(18964,5250,'_thumbnail_id','5246'),(18965,5250,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>A couple relationship is created by the two unique individuals who are drawn together for various reasons. Whatever the reasons, both individuals make an effort to be impressive, attentive, interesting, caring and thoughtful.<\\/p><p>I know this well. Prior to having children, I remember spending at least an hour to get ready to go out with someone I wanted to impress. My freshly washed hair perfectly in place. Make-up to look natural. My blemishes completely covered up to look as flawless as possible. How indulgent all that feels now. I\\u2019d kill to get some of those hours back!<\\/p><p>A dear client recently showed me a photo of an incredible meal he\\u2019d prepared for a prospective partner. It looked spectacular. I joked with him to \\u201cShow me the same level of meal preparation and detail for her in 2 years\\u2019 time!\\u201d He laughed at this because deep down he knows, and we all know, that we reveal the best of ourselves to get a relationship over the line. We want to be impressive. We want them to see just how special\\u00a0we\\u00a0are compared to any other potential suitors.<\\/p><p>We can do this by telling stories in a particular way, casually dropping in past awards or revealing our successes. We may name drop, institution drop or degree drop. We may spend time cleaning our car or home more than usual. Paying much more attention to detail than we would for ourselves, as we wouldn\\u2019t want them to see us as grubby in any way. We may curtail our emotional reactivity. We don\\u2019t want them to see us flip our lid, as we all have a sense just how unattractive that can be.<\\/p><p>We may have more philosophical discussions with them than others we know. We may buy them little gifts or go out of our way to find their favourite gluten free vegan cake. We may like them to see just how kind we are, whilst hiding just how mean we can also be about others \\u2013 or even ourselves. We may agree with things we don\\u2019t truly believe or even go against our own values to keep this show on the road.<\\/p><p>We may be more sexually enticing or seductive. We may spend above our earnings. If there is a huge financial imbalance between us, we may downplay this to make them feel more comfortable or we may show it off and spoil them if we believe this adds to our appeal.<\\/p><p>We all water the garden of our new relationships. And we do this consistently until we\\u00a0both\\u00a0make an individual decision that we are invested in this union for the long haul. This could be when we move in together, a proposal to commit, or a commitment to have kids together. Our couple garden is looking pretty good. Yes, there are some weeds, and sometimes they\\u2019re very persistent, but we\\u2019ve invested heavily. Sometimes we turn a blind eye to these weeds, even convincing ourselves that a solid commitment will solve the problem.<\\/p><p>So what happens to the watering system when we\\u2019ve made the commitment? Well, many partners turn the water pressure down. They stop feeling the need to be as impressive or sexually adventurous, or as attentive as they were before. It doesn\\u2019t happen all at once, just bit by bit the watering decreases.<\\/p><p>Then after a period there may be some children on the scene. These wholly dependent beings need the watering and many of us are happy to turn the water pressure up blasting our love, curiosity, devotion, time, and effort in their direction. They need this from us to thrive. They need to be continuously watered.<\\/p><p>And this is where so many unions become unstuck. Partners become lonely, overworked, unseen, or exhausted. Both parenting and being a family unit can be wonderful and satisfying, yet also relentless. Where do these two individuals water themselves? How do they ensure they\\u2019re not parched? What do they do about their couple relationship dehydrating?<\\/p><p>So many relationships end up with two partners run ragged with absolutely no individual life anymore. They\\u2019re not watering themselves or their relationship. Many partners feel resentment or hostility. Many fight. Many turn away from their partner. Many are stressed or even distressed. They\\u2019re immersed in the family, in work, then back to the family, then to sleep. This is on rinse and repeat for years, even decades.<\\/p><p>The biggest mistake I see partners make is they take their eyes off\\u00a0themselves\\u00a0and their relationship. I regularly see the end result. And it can be devastating as one unhappy, lonely, or unfulfilled partner feels a need to open the gruelling door to separation and divorce.<\\/p><p>It\\u2019s critical that both partners continue to make some space and time to look after themselves and their relationship. Obviously, it can\\u2019t be the same as when we first met. However, I can promise you, from my many years as a therapist \\u2013 this is not an optional extra. Water is a vital ingredient.<\\/p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (1041153076)<\\/em><\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(18966,5250,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:4:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:11;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:11;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:22;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:22;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:22;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}s:7:\"heading\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:11;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:2:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:13:\"section_title\";a:2:{s:5:\"title\";i:11;s:11:\"header_size\";i:8;}}s:5:\"style\";a:1:{s:19:\"section_title_style\";a:1:{s:11:\"title_color\";i:8;}}}}}'),(18967,5250,'_elementor_css','a:7:{s:4:\"time\";i:1661511349;s:5:\"fonts\";a:0:{}s:5:\"icons\";a:0:{}s:20:\"dynamic_elements_ids\";a:0:{}s:6:\"status\";s:5:\"empty\";i:0;s:0:\"\";s:3:\"css\";s:0:\"\";}'),(18968,5251,'_edit_last','2'),(18969,5251,'_edit_lock','1661512359:2'),(18970,5251,'_wp_page_template','default'),(18971,5251,'featured-video-url',''),(18972,5251,'featured-quote-text',''),(18973,5251,'featured-quote-cite',''),(18974,5251,'featured-audio-url',''),(18975,5251,'featured-link-url',''),(18976,5251,'featured-link-text',''),(18977,5251,'featured-link-short',''),(18978,5251,'post_content_padding','a:3:{s:5:\"units\";s:2:\"px\";s:11:\"padding-top\";s:0:\"\";s:14:\"padding-bottom\";s:0:\"\";}'),(18979,5251,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(18980,5251,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(18981,5251,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(18982,5251,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(18983,5251,'_oembed_2bb6871532de21756d5d7ddb684aaeb8','<iframe title=\"245 - 3 Secrets to Beat Performance Anxiety by Savvy Psychologist\" width=\"640\" height=\"400\" scrolling=\"no\" frameborder=\"no\" src=\"https://w.soundcloud.com/player/?visual=true&url=https%3A%2F%2Fapi.soundcloud.com%2Ftracks%2F621931155&show_artwork=true&maxheight=960&maxwidth=640\"></iframe>'),(18984,5251,'_oembed_time_2bb6871532de21756d5d7ddb684aaeb8','1658107090'),(18985,5251,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(18986,5251,'_wp_old_date','2022-07-18'),(18987,5251,'_thumbnail_id','5252'),(18988,5251,'_wp_old_date','2022-08-07'),(18989,5251,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Nicolai and Maja have been together for 8 years. They were on a date, where they had just finished a walk together on their favourite beach and were now heading to their local juice bar. As they sat down Nicolai raised the topic of which school their daughter should go to next year. This was a hot topic for this couple as Nicolai strongly believed she should go to a private Catholic school like he did, whereas Maja believed in the public system and wanted their daughter to mix with children offering greater diversity of backgrounds, just as she had.<\\/p><p>These conversations haven\\u2019t been going well between them and often ended in conflict. Maja becomes rather strident in her views and reiterates her view of the matter over and over. Nicolai lowers his voice and grits his teeth, holding his jaw in a tight lock. This is experienced by Maja as aggressive. Sometimes she tells him to stop making that face, but mostly she feels she just needs to get away from him.<\\/p><p>If they\\u2019re at home, she quickly goes to another room or leaves the house. In the past, she\\u2019s left Nicolai in restaurants, where he\\u2019s sat not knowing if she\\u2019s returning or not. Now they\\u2019re in the juice bar and Nicolai\\u2019s voice is lowering and his jaw is setting into the tight position. Within a micro-second she\\u2019s up off her seat and walking briskly to their car. She\\u2019s relieved she\\u2019s the one with the car keys.<\\/p><p>What is going on for this couple?<\\/p><p><span style=\\\"text-decoration: underline;\\\"><strong>Our history shows itself in the stories we create<\\/strong><\\/span><\\/p><p>Our past relationships with parents, siblings, and past partners play a huge role in shaping our minds and determining how we view couple relationships. This has been through direct experiences with them and how they\\u2019ve treated us, and also through them teaching or guiding us with narratives about couple relationships.<\\/p><p>These experiences shape how we feel a partner should behave and what is expected of them in our relationship. Our mind holds this information as relationship boundaries and rules, with plenty of statements of shoulds and shouldn\\u2019ts. Some of this information is conscious and known to us, like these rules. Some of it is held unconsciously, without our awareness. We can\\u2019t recall this information.<\\/p><p>The way our mind has been shaped regarding relationships will also shape our ego-based stories we tell ourselves and others about relationships. We create stories about our experiences in the world from the minute we wake up until we go to sleep. We create stories about ourselves, others, and situations. We especially love to create stories about our partner and our relationship.<\\/p><p>The type of story our ego creates is often based on our earlier experiences. The problem is that we often treat the stories as facts. Our ego can be loving, kind and compassionate. It can also be a dictator or a tyrant. We may behave as if we have the moral high ground over our partner, that we know more about relationships than they do, or judge them for not\\u00a0communicating\\u00a0or relating to us in a way that we appreciate.<\\/p><p>Our\\u00a0ego\\u00a0can be fearful and quite fragile, and it\\u2019s always on the lookout for safety or internal or external changes where we may feel less safe. This becomes problematic in couple relationships as partners are the ones most likely to provoke each other\\u2019s fragile ego. Partners then create stories about themselves, each other and the relationship based on how their minds have been shaped.<\\/p><p>\\u00a0What does Nicolai\\u2019s mind construct when he\\u2019s sitting alone after being walked out on by Maja? How does his history shape the story he tells himself? These are just a few possibilities...<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"},{\"id\":\"d389c37\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"If Nicolai\\u2019s parents had a peaceful relationship, he may create a story of how Maja\\u2019s childhood was difficult, and they\\u2019ll work it out when he gets home.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"709b4b7\"},{\"text\":\"If Nicolai\\u2019s parents had a lot of conflict, he may create anxious stories, even dread, and hopelessness about his relationship with Maja.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"94b1706\"},{\"text\":\"If Nicolai\\u2019s parents separated, he may construct stories about Maja being \\u201cjust like\\u201d Mum or Dad in some unattractive way, and how he might want to leave her. Or he could construct stories about Maja wanting to leave him.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"ddc2467\"},{\"text\":\"If Nicolai felt alone or lonely in his family growing up, he may create stories of sadness and loneliness with Maja and how she doesn\\u2019t really understand him.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"b87b391\"}]},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"},{\"id\":\"3b1fd98\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"space\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":30,\"sizes\":[]}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"spacer\"},{\"id\":\"ed632e8\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Can you see how the historical lens shapes the different stories Nicolai tells himself? Of course, there could be many other stories told.<\\/p><p>So, let\\u2019s look at possibilities for Maja\\u2019s historical lens for the stories she creates as she flees the juice bar. What stories does Maja\\u2019s mind construct as she drives home alone?<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"},{\"id\":\"c304f08\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"If Maja grew up with a parent who had angry outbursts, she may anxiously tell herself that Nicolai\\u2019s lowered voice and clenched jaw is so aggressive, and she can\\u2019t tolerate it anymore.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"709b4b7\"},{\"text\":\"If Maja had a parent who was emotionally dysregulated and frightening, she may create stories of Nicolai\\u2019s lowered voice and clenched jaw being frightening.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"94b1706\"},{\"text\":\"If Maja\\u2019s parents separated, she may tell herself that he\\u2019s not good enough for her, and\\/or even that she needs to end the relationship.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"ddc2467\"},{\"text\":\"If Maja\\u2019s parents didn\\u2019t listen to each other, she may tell herself that Nicolai is disrespectful and selfish.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"b87b391\"}]},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"},{\"id\":\"c2b7d2e\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"space\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":30,\"sizes\":[]}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"spacer\"},{\"id\":\"a8e87c9\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p><span style=\\\"color: inherit; font-family: inherit; font-weight: inherit; letter-spacing: 0px;\\\">We all need to understand our own historical lens and how it influences the stories our ego constructs. If we don\\u2019t, we treat the stories as a fact, and that can spell danger for our relationships.<\\/span><\\/p><p><em>Image Source: Shutterstock (743858932)<\\/em><\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(18990,5251,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:5:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:3;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:3;}}}}s:9:\"icon-list\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:2;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:12:\"section_icon\";a:1:{s:9:\"icon_list\";i:2;}}}}s:6:\"spacer\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:2;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_spacer\";a:1:{s:5:\"space\";i:2;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:1;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}}'),(19000,5252,'_wp_attached_file','2022/08/shutterstock_743858932.jpg'),(19001,5252,'_wp_attachment_metadata','a:6:{s:5:\"width\";i:1000;s:6:\"height\";i:667;s:4:\"file\";s:34:\"2022/08/shutterstock_743858932.jpg\";s:8:\"filesize\";i:669237;s:5:\"sizes\";a:7:{s:6:\"medium\";a:5:{s:4:\"file\";s:34:\"shutterstock_743858932-300x200.jpg\";s:5:\"width\";i:300;s:6:\"height\";i:200;s:9:\"mime-type\";s:10:\"image/jpeg\";s:8:\"filesize\";i:13003;}s:9:\"thumbnail\";a:5:{s:4:\"file\";s:34:\"shutterstock_743858932-150x150.jpg\";s:5:\"width\";i:150;s:6:\"height\";i:150;s:9:\"mime-type\";s:10:\"image/jpeg\";s:8:\"filesize\";i:5762;}s:12:\"medium_large\";a:5:{s:4:\"file\";s:34:\"shutterstock_743858932-768x512.jpg\";s:5:\"width\";i:768;s:6:\"height\";i:512;s:9:\"mime-type\";s:10:\"image/jpeg\";s:8:\"filesize\";i:63867;}s:14:\"blog-fullwidth\";a:5:{s:4:\"file\";s:35:\"shutterstock_743858932-1000x600.jpg\";s:5:\"width\";i:1000;s:6:\"height\";i:600;s:9:\"mime-type\";s:10:\"image/jpeg\";s:8:\"filesize\";i:106391;}s:21:\"woocommerce_thumbnail\";a:6:{s:4:\"file\";s:34:\"shutterstock_743858932-300x300.jpg\";s:5:\"width\";i:300;s:6:\"height\";i:300;s:9:\"mime-type\";s:10:\"image/jpeg\";s:8:\"filesize\";i:17493;s:9:\"uncropped\";b:0;}s:18:\"woocommerce_single\";a:5:{s:4:\"file\";s:34:\"shutterstock_743858932-600x400.jpg\";s:5:\"width\";i:600;s:6:\"height\";i:400;s:9:\"mime-type\";s:10:\"image/jpeg\";s:8:\"filesize\";i:41708;}s:29:\"woocommerce_gallery_thumbnail\";a:5:{s:4:\"file\";s:34:\"shutterstock_743858932-370x420.jpg\";s:5:\"width\";i:370;s:6:\"height\";i:420;s:9:\"mime-type\";s:10:\"image/jpeg\";s:8:\"filesize\";i:28160;}}s:10:\"image_meta\";a:12:{s:8:\"aperture\";s:1:\"0\";s:6:\"credit\";s:12:\"Shutterstock\";s:6:\"camera\";s:0:\"\";s:7:\"caption\";s:0:\"\";s:17:\"created_timestamp\";s:1:\"0\";s:9:\"copyright\";s:72:\"Copyright (c) 2017 George Rudy/Shutterstock.  No use without permission.\";s:12:\"focal_length\";s:1:\"0\";s:3:\"iso\";s:1:\"0\";s:13:\"shutter_speed\";s:1:\"0\";s:5:\"title\";s:64:\"Cropped,Image,Of,Beautiful,Couple,Holding,Hands,While,Resting,On\";s:11:\"orientation\";s:1:\"0\";s:8:\"keywords\";a:1:{i:0;s:64:\"love,handsome,couple,communicate,hands,woman,mature,caucasian,el\";}}}'),(19002,5253,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(19003,5253,'_wp_page_template','default'),(19004,5253,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(19005,5253,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(19006,5253,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(19007,5253,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(19008,5253,'_thumbnail_id','5252'),(19009,5253,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>A couple relationship is created by the two unique individuals who are drawn together for various reasons. 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We may agree with things we don\\u2019t truly believe or even go against our own values to keep this show on the road.<\\/p><p>We may be more sexually enticing or seductive. We may spend above our earnings. If there is a huge financial imbalance between us, we may downplay this to make them feel more comfortable or we may show it off and spoil them if we believe this adds to our appeal.<\\/p><p>We all water the garden of our new relationships. And we do this consistently until we\\u00a0both\\u00a0make an individual decision that we are invested in this union for the long haul. This could be when we move in together, a proposal to commit, or a commitment to have kids together. Our couple garden is looking pretty good. Yes, there are some weeds, and sometimes they\\u2019re very persistent, but we\\u2019ve invested heavily. Sometimes we turn a blind eye to these weeds, even convincing ourselves that a solid commitment will solve the problem.<\\/p><p>So what happens to the watering system when we\\u2019ve made the commitment? Well, many partners turn the water pressure down. They stop feeling the need to be as impressive or sexually adventurous, or as attentive as they were before. It doesn\\u2019t happen all at once, just bit by bit the watering decreases.<\\/p><p>Then after a period there may be some children on the scene. These wholly dependent beings need the watering and many of us are happy to turn the water pressure up blasting our love, curiosity, devotion, time, and effort in their direction. They need this from us to thrive. They need to be continuously watered.<\\/p><p>And this is where so many unions become unstuck. Partners become lonely, overworked, unseen, or exhausted. Both parenting and being a family unit can be wonderful and satisfying, yet also relentless. Where do these two individuals water themselves? How do they ensure they\\u2019re not parched? What do they do about their couple relationship dehydrating?<\\/p><p>So many relationships end up with two partners run ragged with absolutely no individual life anymore. They\\u2019re not watering themselves or their relationship. Many partners feel resentment or hostility. Many fight. Many turn away from their partner. Many are stressed or even distressed. They\\u2019re immersed in the family, in work, then back to the family, then to sleep. This is on rinse and repeat for years, even decades.<\\/p><p>The biggest mistake I see partners make is they take their eyes off\\u00a0themselves\\u00a0and their relationship. I regularly see the end result. And it can be devastating as one unhappy, lonely, or unfulfilled partner feels a need to open the gruelling door to separation and divorce.<\\/p><p>It\\u2019s critical that both partners continue to make some space and time to look after themselves and their relationship. Obviously, it can\\u2019t be the same as when we first met. However, I can promise you, from my many years as a therapist \\u2013 this is not an optional extra. 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We may agree with things we don\\u2019t truly believe or even go against our own values to keep this show on the road.<\\/p><p>We may be more sexually enticing or seductive. We may spend above our earnings. If there is a huge financial imbalance between us, we may downplay this to make them feel more comfortable or we may show it off and spoil them if we believe this adds to our appeal.<\\/p><p>We all water the garden of our new relationships. And we do this consistently until we\\u00a0both\\u00a0make an individual decision that we are invested in this union for the long haul. This could be when we move in together, a proposal to commit, or a commitment to have kids together. Our couple garden is looking pretty good. Yes, there are some weeds, and sometimes they\\u2019re very persistent, but we\\u2019ve invested heavily. Sometimes we turn a blind eye to these weeds, even convincing ourselves that a solid commitment will solve the problem.<\\/p><p>So what happens to the watering system when we\\u2019ve made the commitment? Well, many partners turn the water pressure down. They stop feeling the need to be as impressive or sexually adventurous, or as attentive as they were before. It doesn\\u2019t happen all at once, just bit by bit the watering decreases.<\\/p><p>Then after a period there may be some children on the scene. These wholly dependent beings need the watering and many of us are happy to turn the water pressure up blasting our love, curiosity, devotion, time, and effort in their direction. They need this from us to thrive. They need to be continuously watered.<\\/p><p>And this is where so many unions become unstuck. Partners become lonely, overworked, unseen, or exhausted. Both parenting and being a family unit can be wonderful and satisfying, yet also relentless. Where do these two individuals water themselves? How do they ensure they\\u2019re not parched? What do they do about their couple relationship dehydrating?<\\/p><p>So many relationships end up with two partners run ragged with absolutely no individual life anymore. They\\u2019re not watering themselves or their relationship. Many partners feel resentment or hostility. Many fight. Many turn away from their partner. Many are stressed or even distressed. They\\u2019re immersed in the family, in work, then back to the family, then to sleep. This is on rinse and repeat for years, even decades.<\\/p><p>The biggest mistake I see partners make is they take their eyes off\\u00a0themselves\\u00a0and their relationship. I regularly see the end result. And it can be devastating as one unhappy, lonely, or unfulfilled partner feels a need to open the gruelling door to separation and divorce.<\\/p><p>It\\u2019s critical that both partners continue to make some space and time to look after themselves and their relationship. Obviously, it can\\u2019t be the same as when we first met. However, I can promise you, from my many years as a therapist \\u2013 this is not an optional extra. Water is a vital ingredient.<\\/p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (1041153076)<\\/em><\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(19022,5254,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:3:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:1;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:1;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}}'),(19023,5254,'_elementor_css','a:7:{s:4:\"time\";i:1661511665;s:5:\"fonts\";a:0:{}s:5:\"icons\";a:0:{}s:20:\"dynamic_elements_ids\";a:0:{}s:6:\"status\";s:5:\"empty\";i:0;s:0:\"\";s:3:\"css\";s:0:\"\";}'),(19024,5255,'_wp_page_template','default'),(19025,5255,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(19026,5255,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(19027,5255,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(19028,5255,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(19029,5255,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(19030,5255,'_thumbnail_id','5252'),(19031,5255,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>A couple relationship is created by the two unique individuals who are drawn together for various reasons. Whatever the reasons, both individuals make an effort to be impressive, attentive, interesting, caring and thoughtful.<\\/p><p>I know this well. Prior to having children, I remember spending at least an hour to get ready to go out with someone I wanted to impress. My freshly washed hair perfectly in place. Make-up to look natural. My blemishes completely covered up to look as flawless as possible. How indulgent all that feels now. I\\u2019d kill to get some of those hours back!<\\/p><p>A dear client recently showed me a photo of an incredible meal he\\u2019d prepared for a prospective partner. It looked spectacular. I joked with him to \\u201cShow me the same level of meal preparation and detail for her in 2 years\\u2019 time!\\u201d He laughed at this because deep down he knows, and we all know, that we reveal the best of ourselves to get a relationship over the line. We want to be impressive. We want them to see just how special\\u00a0we\\u00a0are compared to any other potential suitors.<\\/p><p>We can do this by telling stories in a particular way, casually dropping in past awards or revealing our successes. We may name drop, institution drop or degree drop. We may spend time cleaning our car or home more than usual. Paying much more attention to detail than we would for ourselves, as we wouldn\\u2019t want them to see us as grubby in any way. We may curtail our emotional reactivity. We don\\u2019t want them to see us flip our lid, as we all have a sense just how unattractive that can be.<\\/p><p>We may have more philosophical discussions with them than others we know. We may buy them little gifts or go out of our way to find their favourite gluten free vegan cake. We may like them to see just how kind we are, whilst hiding just how mean we can also be about others \\u2013 or even ourselves. We may agree with things we don\\u2019t truly believe or even go against our own values to keep this show on the road.<\\/p><p>We may be more sexually enticing or seductive. We may spend above our earnings. If there is a huge financial imbalance between us, we may downplay this to make them feel more comfortable or we may show it off and spoil them if we believe this adds to our appeal.<\\/p><p>We all water the garden of our new relationships. And we do this consistently until we\\u00a0both\\u00a0make an individual decision that we are invested in this union for the long haul. This could be when we move in together, a proposal to commit, or a commitment to have kids together. Our couple garden is looking pretty good. Yes, there are some weeds, and sometimes they\\u2019re very persistent, but we\\u2019ve invested heavily. Sometimes we turn a blind eye to these weeds, even convincing ourselves that a solid commitment will solve the problem.<\\/p><p>So what happens to the watering system when we\\u2019ve made the commitment? Well, many partners turn the water pressure down. They stop feeling the need to be as impressive or sexually adventurous, or as attentive as they were before. It doesn\\u2019t happen all at once, just bit by bit the watering decreases.<\\/p><p>Then after a period there may be some children on the scene. These wholly dependent beings need the watering and many of us are happy to turn the water pressure up blasting our love, curiosity, devotion, time, and effort in their direction. They need this from us to thrive. They need to be continuously watered.<\\/p><p>And this is where so many unions become unstuck. Partners become lonely, overworked, unseen, or exhausted. Both parenting and being a family unit can be wonderful and satisfying, yet also relentless. Where do these two individuals water themselves? How do they ensure they\\u2019re not parched? What do they do about their couple relationship dehydrating?<\\/p><p>So many relationships end up with two partners run ragged with absolutely no individual life anymore. They\\u2019re not watering themselves or their relationship. Many partners feel resentment or hostility. Many fight. Many turn away from their partner. Many are stressed or even distressed. They\\u2019re immersed in the family, in work, then back to the family, then to sleep. This is on rinse and repeat for years, even decades.<\\/p><p>The biggest mistake I see partners make is they take their eyes off\\u00a0themselves\\u00a0and their relationship. I regularly see the end result. And it can be devastating as one unhappy, lonely, or unfulfilled partner feels a need to open the gruelling door to separation and divorce.<\\/p><p>It\\u2019s critical that both partners continue to make some space and time to look after themselves and their relationship. Obviously, it can\\u2019t be the same as when we first met. However, I can promise you, from my many years as a therapist \\u2013 this is not an optional extra. Water is a vital ingredient.<\\/p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (1041153076)<\\/em><\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(19032,5255,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:3:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:1;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:1;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}}'),(19033,5255,'_elementor_css','a:7:{s:4:\"time\";i:1661511665;s:5:\"fonts\";a:0:{}s:5:\"icons\";a:0:{}s:20:\"dynamic_elements_ids\";a:0:{}s:6:\"status\";s:5:\"empty\";i:0;s:0:\"\";s:3:\"css\";s:0:\"\";}'),(19034,5256,'_wp_page_template','default'),(19035,5256,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(19036,5256,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(19037,5256,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(19038,5256,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(19039,5256,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(19040,5256,'_thumbnail_id','5252'),(19041,5256,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Nicolai and Maja have been together for 8 years. They were on a date, where they had just finished a walk together on their favourite beach and were now heading to their local juice bar. As they sat down Nicolai raised the topic of which school their daughter should go to next year. This was a hot topic for this couple as Nicolai strongly believed she should go to a private Catholic school like he did, whereas Maja believed in the public system and wanted their daughter to mix with children offering greater diversity of backgrounds, just as she had.<\\/p><p>These conversations haven\\u2019t been going well between them and often ended in conflict. Maja becomes rather strident in her views and reiterates her view of the matter over and over. Nicolai lowers his voice and grits his teeth, holding his jaw in a tight lock. This is experienced by Maja as aggressive. Sometimes she tells him to stop making that face, but mostly she feels she just needs to get away from him.<\\/p><p>If they\\u2019re at home, she quickly goes to another room or leaves the house. In the past, she\\u2019s left Nicolai in restaurants, where he\\u2019s sat not knowing if she\\u2019s returning or not. Now they\\u2019re in the juice bar and Nicolai\\u2019s voice is lowering and his jaw is setting into the tight position. Within a micro-second she\\u2019s up off her seat and walking briskly to their car. She\\u2019s relieved she\\u2019s the one with the car keys.<\\/p><p>What is going on for this couple?<\\/p><p><span style=\\\"text-decoration: underline;\\\"><strong>Our history shows itself in the stories we create<\\/strong><\\/span><\\/p><p>Our past relationships with parents, siblings, and past partners play a huge role in shaping our minds and determining how we view couple relationships. This has been through direct experiences with them and how they\\u2019ve treated us, and also through them teaching or guiding us with narratives about couple relationships.<\\/p><p>These experiences shape how we feel a partner should behave and what is expected of them in our relationship. Our mind holds this information as relationship boundaries and rules, with plenty of statements of shoulds and shouldn\\u2019ts. Some of this information is conscious and known to us, like these rules. Some of it is held unconsciously, without our awareness. We can\\u2019t recall this information.<\\/p><p>The way our mind has been shaped regarding relationships will also shape our ego-based stories we tell ourselves and others about relationships. We create stories about our experiences in the world from the minute we wake up until we go to sleep. We create stories about ourselves, others, and situations. We especially love to create stories about our partner and our relationship.<\\/p><p>The type of story our ego creates is often based on our earlier experiences. The problem is that we often treat the stories as facts. Our ego can be loving, kind and compassionate. It can also be a dictator or a tyrant. We may behave as if we have the moral high ground over our partner, that we know more about relationships than they do, or judge them for not\\u00a0communicating\\u00a0or relating to us in a way that we appreciate.<\\/p><p>Our\\u00a0ego\\u00a0can be fearful and quite fragile, and it\\u2019s always on the lookout for safety or internal or external changes where we may feel less safe. This becomes problematic in couple relationships as partners are the ones most likely to provoke each other\\u2019s fragile ego. Partners then create stories about themselves, each other and the relationship based on how their minds have been shaped.<\\/p><p>\\u00a0What does Nicolai\\u2019s mind construct when he\\u2019s sitting alone after being walked out on by Maja? How does his history shape the story he tells himself? These are just a few possibilities...<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"},{\"id\":\"d389c37\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"If Nicolai\\u2019s parents had a peaceful relationship, he may create a story of how Maja\\u2019s childhood was difficult, and they\\u2019ll work it out when he gets home.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"709b4b7\"},{\"text\":\"If Nicolai\\u2019s parents had a lot of conflict, he may create anxious stories, even dread, and hopelessness about his relationship with Maja.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"94b1706\"},{\"text\":\"If Nicolai\\u2019s parents separated, he may construct stories about Maja being \\u201cjust like\\u201d Mum or Dad in some unattractive way, and how he might want to leave her. Or he could construct stories about Maja wanting to leave him.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"ddc2467\"},{\"text\":\"If Nicolai felt alone or lonely in his family growing up, he may create stories of sadness and loneliness with Maja and how she doesn\\u2019t really understand him.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"b87b391\"}]},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"},{\"id\":\"3b1fd98\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"space\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":30,\"sizes\":[]}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"spacer\"},{\"id\":\"ed632e8\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Can you see how the historical lens shapes the different stories Nicolai tells himself? Of course, there could be many other stories told.<\\/p><p>So, let\\u2019s look at possibilities for Maja\\u2019s historical lens for the stories she creates as she flees the juice bar. What stories does Maja\\u2019s mind construct as she drives home alone?<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"},{\"id\":\"c304f08\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"If Maja grew up with a parent who had angry outbursts, she may anxiously tell herself that Nicolai\\u2019s lowered voice and clenched jaw is so aggressive, and she can\\u2019t tolerate it anymore.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"709b4b7\"},{\"text\":\"If Maja had a parent who was emotionally dysregulated and frightening, she may create stories of Nicolai\\u2019s lowered voice and clenched jaw being frightening.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"94b1706\"},{\"text\":\"If Maja\\u2019s parents separated, she may tell herself that he\\u2019s not good enough for her, and\\/or even that she needs to end the relationship.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"ddc2467\"},{\"text\":\"If Maja\\u2019s parents didn\\u2019t listen to each other, she may tell herself that Nicolai is disrespectful and selfish.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"b87b391\"}]},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"},{\"id\":\"c2b7d2e\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"space\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":30,\"sizes\":[]}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"spacer\"},{\"id\":\"a8e87c9\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p><span style=\\\"color: inherit; font-family: inherit; font-weight: inherit; letter-spacing: 0px;\\\">We all need to understand our own historical lens and how it influences the stories our ego constructs. If we don\\u2019t, we treat the stories as a fact, and that can spell danger for our relationships.<\\/span><\\/p><p><em>Image Source: Shutterstock (743858932)<\\/em><\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(19042,5256,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:3:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:1;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:1;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}}'),(19043,5256,'_elementor_css','a:7:{s:4:\"time\";i:1661511665;s:5:\"fonts\";a:0:{}s:5:\"icons\";a:0:{}s:20:\"dynamic_elements_ids\";a:0:{}s:6:\"status\";s:5:\"empty\";i:0;s:0:\"\";s:3:\"css\";s:0:\"\";}'),(19044,5257,'_edit_last','2'),(19045,5257,'_edit_lock','1661512683:2'),(19046,5257,'_wp_page_template','default'),(19047,5257,'featured-video-url',''),(19048,5257,'featured-quote-text',''),(19049,5257,'featured-quote-cite',''),(19050,5257,'featured-audio-url',''),(19051,5257,'featured-link-url',''),(19052,5257,'featured-link-text',''),(19053,5257,'featured-link-short',''),(19054,5257,'post_content_padding','a:3:{s:5:\"units\";s:2:\"px\";s:11:\"padding-top\";s:0:\"\";s:14:\"padding-bottom\";s:0:\"\";}'),(19055,5257,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(19056,5257,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(19057,5257,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(19058,5257,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(19059,5257,'_oembed_2bb6871532de21756d5d7ddb684aaeb8','<iframe title=\"245 - 3 Secrets to Beat Performance Anxiety by Savvy Psychologist\" width=\"640\" height=\"400\" scrolling=\"no\" frameborder=\"no\" src=\"https://w.soundcloud.com/player/?visual=true&url=https%3A%2F%2Fapi.soundcloud.com%2Ftracks%2F621931155&show_artwork=true&maxheight=960&maxwidth=640\"></iframe>'),(19060,5257,'_oembed_time_2bb6871532de21756d5d7ddb684aaeb8','1658107090'),(19061,5257,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(19062,5257,'_wp_old_date','2022-07-18'),(19063,5257,'_thumbnail_id','5258'),(19064,5257,'_wp_old_date','2022-08-07'),(19065,5257,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:3:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:1;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:1;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}}'),(19066,5257,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Jerry found a series of sexually suggestive text messages on his wife\\u2019s phone from her colleague Bruno. She\\u2019d mentioned their friendship to Jerry and how they were both the most creative graphic designers in the advertising agency. They often had lunch together. Jerry was fine about their friendship. More recently, his wife had become more preoccupied with her appearance in the mornings and what she was going to wear to work.<\\/p><p>Then he saw Bruno\\u2019s texts to his wife, \\u201cGee your husband\\u2019s a lucky guy having access to your hot bod\\u201d and \\u201cI know how I would look after you from morning till night\\u201d with winking emojis. Jerry\\u2019s mind instantaneously avoided the thought of them getting close to an affair or actually having an affair. He laughed it off as \\u2018office banter\\u2019.<\\/p><p>What was going on in Jerry\\u2019s mind? He saw the evidence of a relationship that\\u2019s clearly moved beyond office banter yet has failed to entertain the idea that his wife and Bruno could be more than just colleagues. This has all happened unconsciously, without his awareness, and shows the power of the\\u00a0<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/2022\\/01\\/25\\/regression-an-ego-defence-mechanism\\/\\\"><strong>ego defence mechanism<\\/strong><\\/a>\\u00a0called\\u00a0<strong>denial<\\/strong>.<\\/p><p>Denial is an extremely common defence mechanism. Like all defence mechanisms, it\\u2019s used as an avoidance strategy when we can\\u2019t face the reality of the situation or information in front of us. Our unconscious mind denies reality to protect us from the emotional impact \\u2013 it feels too overwhelming. In this case, Jerry could not entertain what might be going on between his wife and Bruno. This is different from consciously turning a blind eye or lying to ourselves when we know the reality.<\\/p><p>Denial is helpful sometimes as it allows our mind some time to process the enormity of the information or situation until we are slightly more able to face it. We often use this defence mechanism when we are faced with shocking news. This could be the diagnosis of a terminal illness, the death of someone close to us, or that our partner wants to leave the relationship.<\\/p><p>It becomes problematic when we allow denial to linger for too long. We need to face reality and the grief that will come in when we do. I\\u2019ve seen this with clients who struggle to come to terms with their partner leaving them. It can be pathological when it lingers. I\\u2019ve had to point to the partner\\u2019s empty seat in the consulting room saying, \\u201cWhere are they?\\u201d or even more challenging \\u201cTheir seat in the couples therapy has been empty for 6 months. They left home then and they\\u2019re not giving you signs they want to work on the relationship.\\u201d<\\/p><p>As a therapist, I need to stand firmly in reality and keep moving my clients away from denial, even if it\\u2019s hard for them to hear it. My role is to help my clients face the distressing reality that their minds want to keep at bay.<\\/p><p>Relationships can be harmed by a partner\\u2019s use of denial. I\\u2019ve seen this many times over and denial can prevent them connecting and being intimate. They feel hurt, annoyed, or frustrated when their partner denies the concerns raised. They feel isolated and unsupported by them.<\\/p><p>Rolf shared with his partner Dimitri that their decreasing intimacy was concerning him. Rolf had already had a previous relationship end when the intimacy waned. He was left devastated. Now with Dimitri, Rolf shares his thoughts and fears about how their relationship\\u2019s deteriorating. Yet Dimitri replies, \\u201cIt\\u2019s fine as we both enjoy the sex we do have.\\u201d<\\/p><p>Why can\\u2019t Dimitri hear Rolf\\u2019s concerns and engage in a discussion with him? What can\\u2019t he face about their dwindling sex life? What Dimitri doesn\\u2019t understand is that he can\\u2019t tolerate any expression of Rolf feeling anything other than happy. His mum left his dad when he was 4 years old as she was unhappy. This prior experience was traumatic for him and his family and causes him to deny Rolf\\u2019s reality.<\\/p><p>All Dimitri wants is for Rolf to return to a \\u2018happy\\u2019 state. But Dimitri\\u2019s denial never satisfies Rolf. Over the long term, Rolf will resent Dimitri, and the more this occurs, the lonelier and more unsupported he will feel. Repeated denial has serious consequences and destabilises relationships. 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No use without permission.\";s:12:\"focal_length\";s:1:\"0\";s:3:\"iso\";s:1:\"0\";s:13:\"shutter_speed\";s:1:\"0\";s:5:\"title\";s:43:\"Handsome,Depressed,Man,Near,Window,,Closeup\";s:11:\"orientation\";s:1:\"0\";s:8:\"keywords\";a:1:{i:0;s:64:\"medical,desperate,caucasian,suffering,sorrow,melancholy,depresse\";}}}'),(19078,5259,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(19079,5259,'_wp_page_template','default'),(19080,5259,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(19081,5259,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(19082,5259,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(19083,5259,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(19084,5259,'_thumbnail_id','5258'),(19085,5259,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:5:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:3;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:3;}}}}s:9:\"icon-list\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:2;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:12:\"section_icon\";a:1:{s:9:\"icon_list\";i:2;}}}}s:6:\"spacer\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:2;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_spacer\";a:1:{s:5:\"space\";i:2;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:1;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}}'),(19086,5259,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Nicolai and Maja have been together for 8 years. They were on a date, where they had just finished a walk together on their favourite beach and were now heading to their local juice bar. As they sat down Nicolai raised the topic of which school their daughter should go to next year. This was a hot topic for this couple as Nicolai strongly believed she should go to a private Catholic school like he did, whereas Maja believed in the public system and wanted their daughter to mix with children offering greater diversity of backgrounds, just as she had.<\\/p><p>These conversations haven\\u2019t been going well between them and often ended in conflict. Maja becomes rather strident in her views and reiterates her view of the matter over and over. Nicolai lowers his voice and grits his teeth, holding his jaw in a tight lock. This is experienced by Maja as aggressive. Sometimes she tells him to stop making that face, but mostly she feels she just needs to get away from him.<\\/p><p>If they\\u2019re at home, she quickly goes to another room or leaves the house. In the past, she\\u2019s left Nicolai in restaurants, where he\\u2019s sat not knowing if she\\u2019s returning or not. Now they\\u2019re in the juice bar and Nicolai\\u2019s voice is lowering and his jaw is setting into the tight position. Within a micro-second she\\u2019s up off her seat and walking briskly to their car. She\\u2019s relieved she\\u2019s the one with the car keys.<\\/p><p>What is going on for this couple?<\\/p><p><span style=\\\"text-decoration: underline;\\\"><strong>Our history shows itself in the stories we create<\\/strong><\\/span><\\/p><p>Our past relationships with parents, siblings, and past partners play a huge role in shaping our minds and determining how we view couple relationships. This has been through direct experiences with them and how they\\u2019ve treated us, and also through them teaching or guiding us with narratives about couple relationships.<\\/p><p>These experiences shape how we feel a partner should behave and what is expected of them in our relationship. Our mind holds this information as relationship boundaries and rules, with plenty of statements of shoulds and shouldn\\u2019ts. Some of this information is conscious and known to us, like these rules. Some of it is held unconsciously, without our awareness. We can\\u2019t recall this information.<\\/p><p>The way our mind has been shaped regarding relationships will also shape our ego-based stories we tell ourselves and others about relationships. We create stories about our experiences in the world from the minute we wake up until we go to sleep. We create stories about ourselves, others, and situations. We especially love to create stories about our partner and our relationship.<\\/p><p>The type of story our ego creates is often based on our earlier experiences. The problem is that we often treat the stories as facts. Our ego can be loving, kind and compassionate. It can also be a dictator or a tyrant. We may behave as if we have the moral high ground over our partner, that we know more about relationships than they do, or judge them for not\\u00a0communicating\\u00a0or relating to us in a way that we appreciate.<\\/p><p>Our\\u00a0ego\\u00a0can be fearful and quite fragile, and it\\u2019s always on the lookout for safety or internal or external changes where we may feel less safe. This becomes problematic in couple relationships as partners are the ones most likely to provoke each other\\u2019s fragile ego. Partners then create stories about themselves, each other and the relationship based on how their minds have been shaped.<\\/p><p>\\u00a0What does Nicolai\\u2019s mind construct when he\\u2019s sitting alone after being walked out on by Maja? How does his history shape the story he tells himself? These are just a few possibilities...<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"},{\"id\":\"d389c37\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"If Nicolai\\u2019s parents had a peaceful relationship, he may create a story of how Maja\\u2019s childhood was difficult, and they\\u2019ll work it out when he gets home.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"709b4b7\"},{\"text\":\"If Nicolai\\u2019s parents had a lot of conflict, he may create anxious stories, even dread, and hopelessness about his relationship with Maja.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"94b1706\"},{\"text\":\"If Nicolai\\u2019s parents separated, he may construct stories about Maja being \\u201cjust like\\u201d Mum or Dad in some unattractive way, and how he might want to leave her. Or he could construct stories about Maja wanting to leave him.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"ddc2467\"},{\"text\":\"If Nicolai felt alone or lonely in his family growing up, he may create stories of sadness and loneliness with Maja and how she doesn\\u2019t really understand him.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"b87b391\"}]},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"},{\"id\":\"3b1fd98\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"space\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":30,\"sizes\":[]}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"spacer\"},{\"id\":\"ed632e8\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Can you see how the historical lens shapes the different stories Nicolai tells himself? Of course, there could be many other stories told.<\\/p><p>So, let\\u2019s look at possibilities for Maja\\u2019s historical lens for the stories she creates as she flees the juice bar. What stories does Maja\\u2019s mind construct as she drives home alone?<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"},{\"id\":\"c304f08\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"If Maja grew up with a parent who had angry outbursts, she may anxiously tell herself that Nicolai\\u2019s lowered voice and clenched jaw is so aggressive, and she can\\u2019t tolerate it anymore.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"709b4b7\"},{\"text\":\"If Maja had a parent who was emotionally dysregulated and frightening, she may create stories of Nicolai\\u2019s lowered voice and clenched jaw being frightening.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"94b1706\"},{\"text\":\"If Maja\\u2019s parents separated, she may tell herself that he\\u2019s not good enough for her, and\\/or even that she needs to end the relationship.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"ddc2467\"},{\"text\":\"If Maja\\u2019s parents didn\\u2019t listen to each other, she may tell herself that Nicolai is disrespectful and selfish.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"b87b391\"}]},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"},{\"id\":\"c2b7d2e\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"space\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":30,\"sizes\":[]}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"spacer\"},{\"id\":\"a8e87c9\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p><span style=\\\"color: inherit; font-family: inherit; font-weight: inherit; letter-spacing: 0px;\\\">We all need to understand our own historical lens and how it influences the stories our ego constructs. 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They were on a date, where they had just finished a walk together on their favourite beach and were now heading to their local juice bar. As they sat down Nicolai raised the topic of which school their daughter should go to next year. This was a hot topic for this couple as Nicolai strongly believed she should go to a private Catholic school like he did, whereas Maja believed in the public system and wanted their daughter to mix with children offering greater diversity of backgrounds, just as she had.<\\/p><p>These conversations haven\\u2019t been going well between them and often ended in conflict. Maja becomes rather strident in her views and reiterates her view of the matter over and over. Nicolai lowers his voice and grits his teeth, holding his jaw in a tight lock. This is experienced by Maja as aggressive. Sometimes she tells him to stop making that face, but mostly she feels she just needs to get away from him.<\\/p><p>If they\\u2019re at home, she quickly goes to another room or leaves the house. In the past, she\\u2019s left Nicolai in restaurants, where he\\u2019s sat not knowing if she\\u2019s returning or not. Now they\\u2019re in the juice bar and Nicolai\\u2019s voice is lowering and his jaw is setting into the tight position. Within a micro-second she\\u2019s up off her seat and walking briskly to their car. She\\u2019s relieved she\\u2019s the one with the car keys.<\\/p><p>What is going on for this couple?<\\/p><p><span style=\\\"text-decoration: underline;\\\"><strong>Our history shows itself in the stories we create<\\/strong><\\/span><\\/p><p>Our past relationships with parents, siblings, and past partners play a huge role in shaping our minds and determining how we view couple relationships. This has been through direct experiences with them and how they\\u2019ve treated us, and also through them teaching or guiding us with narratives about couple relationships.<\\/p><p>These experiences shape how we feel a partner should behave and what is expected of them in our relationship. Our mind holds this information as relationship boundaries and rules, with plenty of statements of shoulds and shouldn\\u2019ts. Some of this information is conscious and known to us, like these rules. Some of it is held unconsciously, without our awareness. We can\\u2019t recall this information.<\\/p><p>The way our mind has been shaped regarding relationships will also shape our ego-based stories we tell ourselves and others about relationships. We create stories about our experiences in the world from the minute we wake up until we go to sleep. We create stories about ourselves, others, and situations. We especially love to create stories about our partner and our relationship.<\\/p><p>The type of story our ego creates is often based on our earlier experiences. The problem is that we often treat the stories as facts. Our ego can be loving, kind and compassionate. It can also be a dictator or a tyrant. We may behave as if we have the moral high ground over our partner, that we know more about relationships than they do, or judge them for not\\u00a0communicating\\u00a0or relating to us in a way that we appreciate.<\\/p><p>Our\\u00a0ego\\u00a0can be fearful and quite fragile, and it\\u2019s always on the lookout for safety or internal or external changes where we may feel less safe. This becomes problematic in couple relationships as partners are the ones most likely to provoke each other\\u2019s fragile ego. Partners then create stories about themselves, each other and the relationship based on how their minds have been shaped.<\\/p><p>\\u00a0What does Nicolai\\u2019s mind construct when he\\u2019s sitting alone after being walked out on by Maja? How does his history shape the story he tells himself? These are just a few possibilities...<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"},{\"id\":\"d389c37\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"If Nicolai\\u2019s parents had a peaceful relationship, he may create a story of how Maja\\u2019s childhood was difficult, and they\\u2019ll work it out when he gets home.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"709b4b7\"},{\"text\":\"If Nicolai\\u2019s parents had a lot of conflict, he may create anxious stories, even dread, and hopelessness about his relationship with Maja.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"94b1706\"},{\"text\":\"If Nicolai\\u2019s parents separated, he may construct stories about Maja being \\u201cjust like\\u201d Mum or Dad in some unattractive way, and how he might want to leave her. Or he could construct stories about Maja wanting to leave him.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"ddc2467\"},{\"text\":\"If Nicolai felt alone or lonely in his family growing up, he may create stories of sadness and loneliness with Maja and how she doesn\\u2019t really understand him.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"b87b391\"}]},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"},{\"id\":\"3b1fd98\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"space\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":30,\"sizes\":[]}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"spacer\"},{\"id\":\"ed632e8\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Can you see how the historical lens shapes the different stories Nicolai tells himself? Of course, there could be many other stories told.<\\/p><p>So, let\\u2019s look at possibilities for Maja\\u2019s historical lens for the stories she creates as she flees the juice bar. What stories does Maja\\u2019s mind construct as she drives home alone?<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"},{\"id\":\"c304f08\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"If Maja grew up with a parent who had angry outbursts, she may anxiously tell herself that Nicolai\\u2019s lowered voice and clenched jaw is so aggressive, and she can\\u2019t tolerate it anymore.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"709b4b7\"},{\"text\":\"If Maja had a parent who was emotionally dysregulated and frightening, she may create stories of Nicolai\\u2019s lowered voice and clenched jaw being frightening.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"94b1706\"},{\"text\":\"If Maja\\u2019s parents separated, she may tell herself that he\\u2019s not good enough for her, and\\/or even that she needs to end the relationship.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"ddc2467\"},{\"text\":\"If Maja\\u2019s parents didn\\u2019t listen to each other, she may tell herself that Nicolai is disrespectful and selfish.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"b87b391\"}]},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"},{\"id\":\"c2b7d2e\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"space\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":30,\"sizes\":[]}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"spacer\"},{\"id\":\"a8e87c9\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p><span style=\\\"color: inherit; font-family: inherit; font-weight: inherit; letter-spacing: 0px;\\\">We all need to understand our own historical lens and how it influences the stories our ego constructs. If we don\\u2019t, we treat the stories as a fact, and that can spell danger for our relationships.<\\/span><\\/p><p><em>Image Source: Shutterstock (743858932)<\\/em><\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(19099,5260,'_elementor_css','a:7:{s:4:\"time\";i:1661512374;s:5:\"fonts\";a:0:{}s:5:\"icons\";a:0:{}s:20:\"dynamic_elements_ids\";a:0:{}s:6:\"status\";s:5:\"empty\";i:0;s:0:\"\";s:3:\"css\";s:0:\"\";}'),(19100,5261,'_wp_page_template','default'),(19101,5261,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(19102,5261,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(19103,5261,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(19104,5261,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(19105,5261,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(19106,5261,'_thumbnail_id','5258'),(19107,5261,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:5:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:3;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:3;}}}}s:9:\"icon-list\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:2;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:12:\"section_icon\";a:1:{s:9:\"icon_list\";i:2;}}}}s:6:\"spacer\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:2;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_spacer\";a:1:{s:5:\"space\";i:2;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:1;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}}'),(19108,5261,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Nicolai and Maja have been together for 8 years. They were on a date, where they had just finished a walk together on their favourite beach and were now heading to their local juice bar. As they sat down Nicolai raised the topic of which school their daughter should go to next year. This was a hot topic for this couple as Nicolai strongly believed she should go to a private Catholic school like he did, whereas Maja believed in the public system and wanted their daughter to mix with children offering greater diversity of backgrounds, just as she had.<\\/p><p>These conversations haven\\u2019t been going well between them and often ended in conflict. Maja becomes rather strident in her views and reiterates her view of the matter over and over. Nicolai lowers his voice and grits his teeth, holding his jaw in a tight lock. This is experienced by Maja as aggressive. Sometimes she tells him to stop making that face, but mostly she feels she just needs to get away from him.<\\/p><p>If they\\u2019re at home, she quickly goes to another room or leaves the house. In the past, she\\u2019s left Nicolai in restaurants, where he\\u2019s sat not knowing if she\\u2019s returning or not. Now they\\u2019re in the juice bar and Nicolai\\u2019s voice is lowering and his jaw is setting into the tight position. Within a micro-second she\\u2019s up off her seat and walking briskly to their car. She\\u2019s relieved she\\u2019s the one with the car keys.<\\/p><p>What is going on for this couple?<\\/p><p><span style=\\\"text-decoration: underline;\\\"><strong>Our history shows itself in the stories we create<\\/strong><\\/span><\\/p><p>Our past relationships with parents, siblings, and past partners play a huge role in shaping our minds and determining how we view couple relationships. This has been through direct experiences with them and how they\\u2019ve treated us, and also through them teaching or guiding us with narratives about couple relationships.<\\/p><p>These experiences shape how we feel a partner should behave and what is expected of them in our relationship. Our mind holds this information as relationship boundaries and rules, with plenty of statements of shoulds and shouldn\\u2019ts. Some of this information is conscious and known to us, like these rules. Some of it is held unconsciously, without our awareness. We can\\u2019t recall this information.<\\/p><p>The way our mind has been shaped regarding relationships will also shape our ego-based stories we tell ourselves and others about relationships. We create stories about our experiences in the world from the minute we wake up until we go to sleep. We create stories about ourselves, others, and situations. We especially love to create stories about our partner and our relationship.<\\/p><p>The type of story our ego creates is often based on our earlier experiences. The problem is that we often treat the stories as facts. Our ego can be loving, kind and compassionate. It can also be a dictator or a tyrant. We may behave as if we have the moral high ground over our partner, that we know more about relationships than they do, or judge them for not\\u00a0communicating\\u00a0or relating to us in a way that we appreciate.<\\/p><p>Our\\u00a0ego\\u00a0can be fearful and quite fragile, and it\\u2019s always on the lookout for safety or internal or external changes where we may feel less safe. This becomes problematic in couple relationships as partners are the ones most likely to provoke each other\\u2019s fragile ego. Partners then create stories about themselves, each other and the relationship based on how their minds have been shaped.<\\/p><p>\\u00a0What does Nicolai\\u2019s mind construct when he\\u2019s sitting alone after being walked out on by Maja? How does his history shape the story he tells himself? These are just a few possibilities...<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"},{\"id\":\"d389c37\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"If Nicolai\\u2019s parents had a peaceful relationship, he may create a story of how Maja\\u2019s childhood was difficult, and they\\u2019ll work it out when he gets home.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"709b4b7\"},{\"text\":\"If Nicolai\\u2019s parents had a lot of conflict, he may create anxious stories, even dread, and hopelessness about his relationship with Maja.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"94b1706\"},{\"text\":\"If Nicolai\\u2019s parents separated, he may construct stories about Maja being \\u201cjust like\\u201d Mum or Dad in some unattractive way, and how he might want to leave her. Or he could construct stories about Maja wanting to leave him.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"ddc2467\"},{\"text\":\"If Nicolai felt alone or lonely in his family growing up, he may create stories of sadness and loneliness with Maja and how she doesn\\u2019t really understand him.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"b87b391\"}]},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"},{\"id\":\"3b1fd98\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"space\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":30,\"sizes\":[]}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"spacer\"},{\"id\":\"ed632e8\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Can you see how the historical lens shapes the different stories Nicolai tells himself? Of course, there could be many other stories told.<\\/p><p>So, let\\u2019s look at possibilities for Maja\\u2019s historical lens for the stories she creates as she flees the juice bar. What stories does Maja\\u2019s mind construct as she drives home alone?<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"},{\"id\":\"c304f08\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"If Maja grew up with a parent who had angry outbursts, she may anxiously tell herself that Nicolai\\u2019s lowered voice and clenched jaw is so aggressive, and she can\\u2019t tolerate it anymore.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"709b4b7\"},{\"text\":\"If Maja had a parent who was emotionally dysregulated and frightening, she may create stories of Nicolai\\u2019s lowered voice and clenched jaw being frightening.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"94b1706\"},{\"text\":\"If Maja\\u2019s parents separated, she may tell herself that he\\u2019s not good enough for her, and\\/or even that she needs to end the relationship.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"ddc2467\"},{\"text\":\"If Maja\\u2019s parents didn\\u2019t listen to each other, she may tell herself that Nicolai is disrespectful and selfish.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"b87b391\"}]},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"},{\"id\":\"c2b7d2e\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"space\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":30,\"sizes\":[]}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"spacer\"},{\"id\":\"a8e87c9\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p><span style=\\\"color: inherit; font-family: inherit; font-weight: inherit; letter-spacing: 0px;\\\">We all need to understand our own historical lens and how it influences the stories our ego constructs. If we don\\u2019t, we treat the stories as a fact, and that can spell danger for our relationships.<\\/span><\\/p><p><em>Image Source: Shutterstock (743858932)<\\/em><\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(19109,5261,'_elementor_css','a:7:{s:4:\"time\";i:1661512374;s:5:\"fonts\";a:0:{}s:5:\"icons\";a:0:{}s:20:\"dynamic_elements_ids\";a:0:{}s:6:\"status\";s:5:\"empty\";i:0;s:0:\"\";s:3:\"css\";s:0:\"\";}'),(19110,5262,'_wp_page_template','default'),(19111,5262,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(19112,5262,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(19113,5262,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(19114,5262,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(19115,5262,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(19116,5262,'_thumbnail_id','5258'),(19117,5262,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:5:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:3;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:3;}}}}s:9:\"icon-list\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:2;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:12:\"section_icon\";a:1:{s:9:\"icon_list\";i:2;}}}}s:6:\"spacer\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:2;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_spacer\";a:1:{s:5:\"space\";i:2;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:1;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}}'),(19118,5262,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Jerry found a series of sexually suggestive text messages on his wife\\u2019s phone from her colleague Bruno. She\\u2019d mentioned their friendship to Jerry and how they were both the most creative graphic designers in the advertising agency. They often had lunch together. Jerry was fine about their friendship. More recently, his wife had become more preoccupied with her appearance in the mornings and what she was going to wear to work.<\\/p><p>Then he saw Bruno\\u2019s texts to his wife, \\u201cGee your husband\\u2019s a lucky guy having access to your hot bod\\u201d and \\u201cI know how I would look after you from morning till night\\u201d with winking emojis. Jerry\\u2019s mind instantaneously avoided the thought of them getting close to an affair or actually having an affair. He laughed it off as \\u2018office banter\\u2019.<\\/p><p>What was going on in Jerry\\u2019s mind? He saw the evidence of a relationship that\\u2019s clearly moved beyond office banter yet has failed to entertain the idea that his wife and Bruno could be more than just colleagues. This has all happened unconsciously, without his awareness, and shows the power of the\\u00a0<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/2022\\/01\\/25\\/regression-an-ego-defence-mechanism\\/\\\"><strong>ego defence mechanism<\\/strong><\\/a>\\u00a0called\\u00a0<strong>denial<\\/strong>.<\\/p><p>Denial is an extremely common defence mechanism. Like all defence mechanisms, it\\u2019s used as an avoidance strategy when we can\\u2019t face the reality of the situation or information in front of us. Our unconscious mind denies reality to protect us from the emotional impact \\u2013 it feels too overwhelming. In this case, Jerry could not entertain what might be going on between his wife and Bruno. This is different from consciously turning a blind eye or lying to ourselves when we know the reality.<\\/p><p>Denial is helpful sometimes as it allows our mind some time to process the enormity of the information or situation until we are slightly more able to face it. We often use this defence mechanism when we are faced with shocking news. This could be the diagnosis of a terminal illness, the death of someone close to us, or that our partner wants to leave the relationship.<\\/p><p>It becomes problematic when we allow denial to linger for too long. We need to face reality and the grief that will come in when we do. I\\u2019ve seen this with clients who struggle to come to terms with their partner leaving them. It can be pathological when it lingers. I\\u2019ve had to point to the partner\\u2019s empty seat in the consulting room saying, \\u201cWhere are they?\\u201d or even more challenging \\u201cTheir seat in the couples therapy has been empty for 6 months. They left home then and they\\u2019re not giving you signs they want to work on the relationship.\\u201d<\\/p><p>As a therapist, I need to stand firmly in reality and keep moving my clients away from denial, even if it\\u2019s hard for them to hear it. My role is to help my clients face the distressing reality that their minds want to keep at bay.<\\/p><p>Relationships can be harmed by a partner\\u2019s use of denial. I\\u2019ve seen this many times over and denial can prevent them connecting and being intimate. They feel hurt, annoyed, or frustrated when their partner denies the concerns raised. They feel isolated and unsupported by them.<\\/p><p>Rolf shared with his partner Dimitri that their decreasing intimacy was concerning him. Rolf had already had a previous relationship end when the intimacy waned. He was left devastated. Now with Dimitri, Rolf shares his thoughts and fears about how their relationship\\u2019s deteriorating. Yet Dimitri replies, \\u201cIt\\u2019s fine as we both enjoy the sex we do have.\\u201d<\\/p><p>Why can\\u2019t Dimitri hear Rolf\\u2019s concerns and engage in a discussion with him? What can\\u2019t he face about their dwindling sex life? What Dimitri doesn\\u2019t understand is that he can\\u2019t tolerate any expression of Rolf feeling anything other than happy. His mum left his dad when he was 4 years old as she was unhappy. This prior experience was traumatic for him and his family and causes him to deny Rolf\\u2019s reality.<\\/p><p>All Dimitri wants is for Rolf to return to a \\u2018happy\\u2019 state. But Dimitri\\u2019s denial never satisfies Rolf. Over the long term, Rolf will resent Dimitri, and the more this occurs, the lonelier and more unsupported he will feel. Repeated denial has serious consequences and destabilises relationships. It will for this couple too.<\\/p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (546242338)<\\/em><\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(19119,5262,'_elementor_css','a:7:{s:4:\"time\";i:1661512374;s:5:\"fonts\";a:0:{}s:5:\"icons\";a:0:{}s:20:\"dynamic_elements_ids\";a:0:{}s:6:\"status\";s:5:\"empty\";i:0;s:0:\"\";s:3:\"css\";s:0:\"\";}'),(19120,5263,'_edit_last','2'),(19121,5263,'_edit_lock','1661513027:2'),(19122,5263,'_wp_page_template','default'),(19123,5263,'featured-video-url',''),(19124,5263,'featured-quote-text',''),(19125,5263,'featured-quote-cite',''),(19126,5263,'featured-audio-url',''),(19127,5263,'featured-link-url',''),(19128,5263,'featured-link-text',''),(19129,5263,'featured-link-short',''),(19130,5263,'post_content_padding','a:3:{s:5:\"units\";s:2:\"px\";s:11:\"padding-top\";s:0:\"\";s:14:\"padding-bottom\";s:0:\"\";}'),(19131,5263,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(19132,5263,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(19133,5263,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(19134,5263,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(19135,5263,'_oembed_2bb6871532de21756d5d7ddb684aaeb8','<iframe title=\"245 - 3 Secrets to Beat Performance Anxiety by Savvy Psychologist\" width=\"640\" height=\"400\" scrolling=\"no\" frameborder=\"no\" src=\"https://w.soundcloud.com/player/?visual=true&url=https%3A%2F%2Fapi.soundcloud.com%2Ftracks%2F621931155&show_artwork=true&maxheight=960&maxwidth=640\"></iframe>'),(19136,5263,'_oembed_time_2bb6871532de21756d5d7ddb684aaeb8','1658107090'),(19137,5263,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(19138,5263,'_wp_old_date','2022-07-18'),(19139,5263,'_thumbnail_id','5264'),(19140,5263,'_wp_old_date','2022-08-07'),(19141,5263,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:3:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:1;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:1;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}}'),(19142,5263,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>I was walking my dogs with my new friend Jake the other day. He was telling me about his relationship with his ex-wife and how different they were and why their relationship didn\\u2019t work out. Jake had his list of reasons for why she wasn\\u2019t right for him. These were framed with a negative lens where in the main, she had been inadequate as a partner or even a bit crazy in some way.<\\/p><p>When we find ourselves in a relationship like Jake\\u2019s, it\\u2019s so easy to blame our partner for not being the partner we want them to be. We can feel let down, frustrated, and even distressed that they haven\\u2019t been able to offer us the kind of relationship we wanted or dreamed of having.<\\/p><p>Now Jake and I had quickly established a friendship where I felt I could be very honest with him, so I wasn\\u2019t going to beat around the bush. It helps that he\\u2019s intelligent and able to laugh at himself. So, after listening to a few of his complaints about his ex-wife, I asked him why he chose her in the first place? We can\\u2019t understand our complaints or resentment about our partner unless we remember why we chose our partner in the first place.<\\/p><p>Jake: She was fun and liked to be playful and I really enjoyed this about her.<\\/p><p>Me: (I remembered that Jake was an only child) Was she like a sibling, you\\u2019d not had someone at home to play with?<\\/p><p>Jake: Yes. I missed out on this, and my home could be lonely.<\\/p><p>As Jake\\u2019s not my client I didn\\u2019t go deeper with him or have him explain how he was lonely or what he\\u2019d missed out on as a child. What I do know is that one reason is never the full story of why we chose our partner to commit to for life. Some reasons are conscious, and we can think about them and may even talk about them. Some are unconscious, and we have no awareness of the reasons.<\\/p><p>Whatever the reasons, when we choose one partner, we are giving up the chance to be with all others. It\\u2019s a pretty serious commitment. In fact, it\\u2019s the most serious, especially if we have children and are tied together for life.<\\/p><p>Me: Why else did you choose to commit to her?<\\/p><p>Jake: I wanted a family and she seemed to want this too.<\\/p><p>Me: Ah so your biological drive had kicked in. You\\u2019d already invested in this relationship, and you were ready to get on with it.<\\/p><p>Jake: Yes, and after we had our children, it all broke down.<\\/p><p>Me: So, she\\u2019d fulfilled the contract of what you wanted? You\\u2019d both had the kids, life became more hectic and definitely less fun.<\\/p><p>As a therapist, I\\u2019ve seen many Jake\\u2019s. So many couples feel the pull of the biological drive but don\\u2019t necessarily have enough of a couple connection to keep them together to last the distance.<\\/p><p>To their credit, Jake and his wife had worked hard to hold the relationship together. They also saw a couples therapist. Neither of them wanted a separation, especially with such young children.<\\/p><p>We need to remember why we chose our partner as this provides important clues as to what the initial couple contract was about. Of course, Jake\\u2019s contract was more complex than this. However, when we enter a relationship, we want something particular for our relationship with this chosen person. We want them to help create a relationship that fulfils certain aspects for us.<\\/p><p>When the contract isn\\u2019t adhered to, relationships can destabilise, and sadly like Jake\\u2019s, even end. What\\u2019s important for all of us is to think about are the parts of the contract we signed up to. And what did our partner want from us when they committed? Are they complaining or resentful about us? 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She\\u2019d mentioned their friendship to Jerry and how they were both the most creative graphic designers in the advertising agency. They often had lunch together. Jerry was fine about their friendship. More recently, his wife had become more preoccupied with her appearance in the mornings and what she was going to wear to work.<\\/p><p>Then he saw Bruno\\u2019s texts to his wife, \\u201cGee your husband\\u2019s a lucky guy having access to your hot bod\\u201d and \\u201cI know how I would look after you from morning till night\\u201d with winking emojis. Jerry\\u2019s mind instantaneously avoided the thought of them getting close to an affair or actually having an affair. He laughed it off as \\u2018office banter\\u2019.<\\/p><p>What was going on in Jerry\\u2019s mind? He saw the evidence of a relationship that\\u2019s clearly moved beyond office banter yet has failed to entertain the idea that his wife and Bruno could be more than just colleagues. This has all happened unconsciously, without his awareness, and shows the power of the\\u00a0<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/2022\\/01\\/25\\/regression-an-ego-defence-mechanism\\/\\\"><strong>ego defence mechanism<\\/strong><\\/a>\\u00a0called\\u00a0<strong>denial<\\/strong>.<\\/p><p>Denial is an extremely common defence mechanism. Like all defence mechanisms, it\\u2019s used as an avoidance strategy when we can\\u2019t face the reality of the situation or information in front of us. Our unconscious mind denies reality to protect us from the emotional impact \\u2013 it feels too overwhelming. In this case, Jerry could not entertain what might be going on between his wife and Bruno. This is different from consciously turning a blind eye or lying to ourselves when we know the reality.<\\/p><p>Denial is helpful sometimes as it allows our mind some time to process the enormity of the information or situation until we are slightly more able to face it. 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This has all happened unconsciously, without his awareness, and shows the power of the\\u00a0<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/2022\\/01\\/25\\/regression-an-ego-defence-mechanism\\/\\\"><strong>ego defence mechanism<\\/strong><\\/a>\\u00a0called\\u00a0<strong>denial<\\/strong>.<\\/p><p>Denial is an extremely common defence mechanism. Like all defence mechanisms, it\\u2019s used as an avoidance strategy when we can\\u2019t face the reality of the situation or information in front of us. Our unconscious mind denies reality to protect us from the emotional impact \\u2013 it feels too overwhelming. In this case, Jerry could not entertain what might be going on between his wife and Bruno. This is different from consciously turning a blind eye or lying to ourselves when we know the reality.<\\/p><p>Denial is helpful sometimes as it allows our mind some time to process the enormity of the information or situation until we are slightly more able to face it. 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This has all happened unconsciously, without his awareness, and shows the power of the\\u00a0<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/2022\\/01\\/25\\/regression-an-ego-defence-mechanism\\/\\\"><strong>ego defence mechanism<\\/strong><\\/a>\\u00a0called\\u00a0<strong>denial<\\/strong>.<\\/p><p>Denial is an extremely common defence mechanism. Like all defence mechanisms, it\\u2019s used as an avoidance strategy when we can\\u2019t face the reality of the situation or information in front of us. Our unconscious mind denies reality to protect us from the emotional impact \\u2013 it feels too overwhelming. In this case, Jerry could not entertain what might be going on between his wife and Bruno. This is different from consciously turning a blind eye or lying to ourselves when we know the reality.<\\/p><p>Denial is helpful sometimes as it allows our mind some time to process the enormity of the information or situation until we are slightly more able to face it. We often use this defence mechanism when we are faced with shocking news. This could be the diagnosis of a terminal illness, the death of someone close to us, or that our partner wants to leave the relationship.<\\/p><p>It becomes problematic when we allow denial to linger for too long. We need to face reality and the grief that will come in when we do. I\\u2019ve seen this with clients who struggle to come to terms with their partner leaving them. It can be pathological when it lingers. I\\u2019ve had to point to the partner\\u2019s empty seat in the consulting room saying, \\u201cWhere are they?\\u201d or even more challenging \\u201cTheir seat in the couples therapy has been empty for 6 months. They left home then and they\\u2019re not giving you signs they want to work on the relationship.\\u201d<\\/p><p>As a therapist, I need to stand firmly in reality and keep moving my clients away from denial, even if it\\u2019s hard for them to hear it. My role is to help my clients face the distressing reality that their minds want to keep at bay.<\\/p><p>Relationships can be harmed by a partner\\u2019s use of denial. I\\u2019ve seen this many times over and denial can prevent them connecting and being intimate. They feel hurt, annoyed, or frustrated when their partner denies the concerns raised. They feel isolated and unsupported by them.<\\/p><p>Rolf shared with his partner Dimitri that their decreasing intimacy was concerning him. Rolf had already had a previous relationship end when the intimacy waned. He was left devastated. Now with Dimitri, Rolf shares his thoughts and fears about how their relationship\\u2019s deteriorating. Yet Dimitri replies, \\u201cIt\\u2019s fine as we both enjoy the sex we do have.\\u201d<\\/p><p>Why can\\u2019t Dimitri hear Rolf\\u2019s concerns and engage in a discussion with him? What can\\u2019t he face about their dwindling sex life? What Dimitri doesn\\u2019t understand is that he can\\u2019t tolerate any expression of Rolf feeling anything other than happy. His mum left his dad when he was 4 years old as she was unhappy. This prior experience was traumatic for him and his family and causes him to deny Rolf\\u2019s reality.<\\/p><p>All Dimitri wants is for Rolf to return to a \\u2018happy\\u2019 state. But Dimitri\\u2019s denial never satisfies Rolf. Over the long term, Rolf will resent Dimitri, and the more this occurs, the lonelier and more unsupported he will feel. Repeated denial has serious consequences and destabilises relationships. It will for this couple too.<\\/p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (546242338)<\\/em><\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(19192,5267,'_elementor_css','a:7:{s:4:\"time\";i:1661512713;s:5:\"fonts\";a:0:{}s:5:\"icons\";a:0:{}s:20:\"dynamic_elements_ids\";a:0:{}s:6:\"status\";s:5:\"empty\";i:0;s:0:\"\";s:3:\"css\";s:0:\"\";}'),(19193,5268,'_wp_page_template','default'),(19194,5268,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(19195,5268,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(19196,5268,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(19197,5268,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(19198,5268,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(19199,5268,'_thumbnail_id','5264'),(19200,5268,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:3:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:1;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:1;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}}'),(19201,5268,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>I was walking my dogs with my new friend Jake the other day. He was telling me about his relationship with his ex-wife and how different they were and why their relationship didn\\u2019t work out. Jake had his list of reasons for why she wasn\\u2019t right for him. These were framed with a negative lens where in the main, she had been inadequate as a partner or even a bit crazy in some way.<\\/p><p>When we find ourselves in a relationship like Jake\\u2019s, it\\u2019s so easy to blame our partner for not being the partner we want them to be. We can feel let down, frustrated, and even distressed that they haven\\u2019t been able to offer us the kind of relationship we wanted or dreamed of having.<\\/p><p>Now Jake and I had quickly established a friendship where I felt I could be very honest with him, so I wasn\\u2019t going to beat around the bush. It helps that he\\u2019s intelligent and able to laugh at himself. So, after listening to a few of his complaints about his ex-wife, I asked him why he chose her in the first place? We can\\u2019t understand our complaints or resentment about our partner unless we remember why we chose our partner in the first place.<\\/p><p>Jake: She was fun and liked to be playful and I really enjoyed this about her.<\\/p><p>Me: (I remembered that Jake was an only child) Was she like a sibling, you\\u2019d not had someone at home to play with?<\\/p><p>Jake: Yes. I missed out on this, and my home could be lonely.<\\/p><p>As Jake\\u2019s not my client I didn\\u2019t go deeper with him or have him explain how he was lonely or what he\\u2019d missed out on as a child. What I do know is that one reason is never the full story of why we chose our partner to commit to for life. Some reasons are conscious, and we can think about them and may even talk about them. Some are unconscious, and we have no awareness of the reasons.<\\/p><p>Whatever the reasons, when we choose one partner, we are giving up the chance to be with all others. It\\u2019s a pretty serious commitment. In fact, it\\u2019s the most serious, especially if we have children and are tied together for life.<\\/p><p>Me: Why else did you choose to commit to her?<\\/p><p>Jake: I wanted a family and she seemed to want this too.<\\/p><p>Me: Ah so your biological drive had kicked in. You\\u2019d already invested in this relationship, and you were ready to get on with it.<\\/p><p>Jake: Yes, and after we had our children, it all broke down.<\\/p><p>Me: So, she\\u2019d fulfilled the contract of what you wanted? You\\u2019d both had the kids, life became more hectic and definitely less fun.<\\/p><p>As a therapist, I\\u2019ve seen many Jake\\u2019s. So many couples feel the pull of the biological drive but don\\u2019t necessarily have enough of a couple connection to keep them together to last the distance.<\\/p><p>To their credit, Jake and his wife had worked hard to hold the relationship together. They also saw a couples therapist. Neither of them wanted a separation, especially with such young children.<\\/p><p>We need to remember why we chose our partner as this provides important clues as to what the initial couple contract was about. Of course, Jake\\u2019s contract was more complex than this. However, when we enter a relationship, we want something particular for our relationship with this chosen person. We want them to help create a relationship that fulfils certain aspects for us.<\\/p><p>When the contract isn\\u2019t adhered to, relationships can destabilise, and sadly like Jake\\u2019s, even end. What\\u2019s important for all of us is to think about are the parts of the contract we signed up to. And what did our partner want from us when they committed? Are they complaining or resentful about us? Don\\u2019t forget \\u2013 there are two contracts in any relationship.<\\/p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (1355872709)<\\/em><\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(19202,5268,'_elementor_css','a:7:{s:4:\"time\";i:1661512713;s:5:\"fonts\";a:0:{}s:5:\"icons\";a:0:{}s:20:\"dynamic_elements_ids\";a:0:{}s:6:\"status\";s:5:\"empty\";i:0;s:0:\"\";s:3:\"css\";s:0:\"\";}'),(19203,5269,'_edit_last','2'),(19204,5269,'_edit_lock','1661513368:2'),(19205,5269,'_wp_page_template','default'),(19206,5269,'featured-video-url',''),(19207,5269,'featured-quote-text',''),(19208,5269,'featured-quote-cite',''),(19209,5269,'featured-audio-url',''),(19210,5269,'featured-link-url',''),(19211,5269,'featured-link-text',''),(19212,5269,'featured-link-short',''),(19213,5269,'post_content_padding','a:3:{s:5:\"units\";s:2:\"px\";s:11:\"padding-top\";s:0:\"\";s:14:\"padding-bottom\";s:0:\"\";}'),(19214,5269,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(19215,5269,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(19216,5269,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(19217,5269,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(19218,5269,'_oembed_2bb6871532de21756d5d7ddb684aaeb8','<iframe title=\"245 - 3 Secrets to Beat Performance Anxiety by Savvy Psychologist\" width=\"640\" height=\"400\" scrolling=\"no\" frameborder=\"no\" src=\"https://w.soundcloud.com/player/?visual=true&url=https%3A%2F%2Fapi.soundcloud.com%2Ftracks%2F621931155&show_artwork=true&maxheight=960&maxwidth=640\"></iframe>'),(19219,5269,'_oembed_time_2bb6871532de21756d5d7ddb684aaeb8','1658107090'),(19220,5269,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(19221,5269,'_wp_old_date','2022-07-18'),(19222,5269,'_thumbnail_id','5270'),(19223,5269,'_wp_old_date','2022-08-07'),(19224,5269,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:4:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:2;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:2;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:3;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:3;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:3;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}s:7:\"heading\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:13:\"section_title\";a:1:{s:5:\"title\";i:1;}}}}}'),(19225,5269,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>We all have a friend, or are the friend, who can see danger down the track. It could be impending danger or a catastrophe a mile off. The catastrophe I\\u2019m talking about is not about earthquakes or floods, nor is it about bus crashes or stampeding elephants. I\\u2019m talking about the ever-present sense of an impending catastrophe in one\\u2019s couple relationship.<\\/p><p>My client Jenna doesn\\u2019t trust her boyfriend and secretly checks his phone. He\\u2019s never done anything for her to doubt him. He\\u2019s not secretive, and even leaves his phone around the flat. Why does Jenna do this? What\\u2019s she worried about? She hates checking yet feels compelled to do it.<\\/p><p>My friend Liam told me last week he fears his partner of 4 years is going to end their relationship. He\\u2019s often worried. He doesn\\u2019t want to lose his partner, and even though she hasn\\u2019t said anything, he just can\\u2019t shake the feeling she thinks he\\u2019s not good enough. He often feels insecure and gets jealous easily. He dreams of moving with her to the countryside where it\\u2019s just the two of them.<\\/p><p>Marco from my gym group won\\u2019t date anyone more than three times. He says \\u201cwhat\\u2019s the point? All relationships start well and end in shit! I may as well bail while I can.\\u201d<\\/p><p>Why do some people do this, and others don\\u2019t? The quick answer is trauma. These people have all experienced trauma in their relationships, either with parents or caregivers in childhood or in their adult couple relationships. Through these relationships where life was at times, distressing or frightening, they were altered by trauma. 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It pains you and now you\\u2019re acting out of pain. It induces fear and now you\\u2019re acting out of fear. \\u201cTrauma is not what happens to you, it\\u2019s what happens inside you as a result of what happened to you.\\u201d<\\/p><p>What this means is that the same situation may or may not be encoded as a trauma for different people. For example, not all soldiers returning from Vietnam had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, even if they went through similar experiences.<\\/p><p>Let\\u2019s look at relational trauma. This wires a child\\u2019s mind and nervous system with negativity and fear. This is encoded and then presents itself in adult relationships where they become hypervigilant and insecure in their couple relationship.<\\/p><p>For some children, a parent\\u2019s alcoholism may or may not be encoded as traumatic. If it has been encoded as trauma, then it will show itself with one\\u2019s partner when alcohol becomes an issue in the relationship.<\\/p><p>If a child has felt traumatised by a parent being out of control and aggressive, then this will typically cause them to be reactive with their partner around these issues, and they will be continuously seeking safety in their relationship. This is what Marco experienced as a child, and it\\u2019s made him fearful of being with someone who may trigger his childhood trauma.<\\/p><p>If a child has had a parent leave the family suddenly due to an affair, then this may be encoded as traumatic. This is Jenna\\u2019s trauma, where her mum left her dad for another man when she was 12. Her dad was unable to cope for about a year and this meant Jenna had no parent able to help her cope with the loss of her mum.<\\/p><p>Liam\\u2019s dad was cruel. He continuously made statements of how \\u2018useless\\u2019 he was. He\\u2019d tell him to \\u2018man-up\\u2019 even when he was a little boy. His mum never said anything. She was scared of his dad\\u2019s harsh tongue too. Liam could be terrified of his dad and was traumatised by him. In his couple relationship, Liam often believes his partner thinks he\\u2019s not good enough. He tries to hide it by doing so much for her and being too good to be true. He spends so much time worrying about her and how she feels about him, just like he did as a child with his dad.<\\/p><p>As you can see, trauma disrupts the child\\u2019s ability to feel safer in their adult relationships. These are only a few examples, where as adults there is so much fear and pre-occupation with one\\u2019s partner about an impending catastrophe in the relationship.<\\/p><p>If this is you, you don\\u2019t have to live like this. 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No use without permission.\";s:12:\"focal_length\";s:1:\"0\";s:3:\"iso\";s:1:\"0\";s:13:\"shutter_speed\";s:1:\"0\";s:5:\"title\";s:68:\"Disappointed,Young,Caucasian,Lady,Sits,On,Bed,,Ignores,Offended,Man.\";s:11:\"orientation\";s:1:\"1\";s:8:\"keywords\";a:1:{i:0;s:388:\"bed,couple,frustrated,offended,caucasian,husband,ignoring,disappointed,ignores,problem,scandal,white,depressed,lockdown,consider,female,empty space,emotions,wife,european,lovers,breakup,parting,indoor,male,love,upset,woman,young,thinking,interior,weakness,sad,divorce,impotence,man,relationship,sit,expression,thoughtful,covid-19,health,bedroom,home,quarrel,lady,millennial,family,married\";}}s:14:\"original_image\";s:27:\"shutterstock_2072414141.jpg\";}'),(19239,5271,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(19240,5271,'_wp_page_template','default'),(19241,5271,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(19242,5271,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(19243,5271,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(19244,5271,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(19245,5271,'_thumbnail_id','5270'),(19246,5271,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:3:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:1;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:1;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}}'),(19247,5271,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>I was walking my dogs with my new friend Jake the other day. He was telling me about his relationship with his ex-wife and how different they were and why their relationship didn\\u2019t work out. Jake had his list of reasons for why she wasn\\u2019t right for him. These were framed with a negative lens where in the main, she had been inadequate as a partner or even a bit crazy in some way.<\\/p><p>When we find ourselves in a relationship like Jake\\u2019s, it\\u2019s so easy to blame our partner for not being the partner we want them to be. We can feel let down, frustrated, and even distressed that they haven\\u2019t been able to offer us the kind of relationship we wanted or dreamed of having.<\\/p><p>Now Jake and I had quickly established a friendship where I felt I could be very honest with him, so I wasn\\u2019t going to beat around the bush. It helps that he\\u2019s intelligent and able to laugh at himself. So, after listening to a few of his complaints about his ex-wife, I asked him why he chose her in the first place? We can\\u2019t understand our complaints or resentment about our partner unless we remember why we chose our partner in the first place.<\\/p><p>Jake: She was fun and liked to be playful and I really enjoyed this about her.<\\/p><p>Me: (I remembered that Jake was an only child) Was she like a sibling, you\\u2019d not had someone at home to play with?<\\/p><p>Jake: Yes. I missed out on this, and my home could be lonely.<\\/p><p>As Jake\\u2019s not my client I didn\\u2019t go deeper with him or have him explain how he was lonely or what he\\u2019d missed out on as a child. What I do know is that one reason is never the full story of why we chose our partner to commit to for life. Some reasons are conscious, and we can think about them and may even talk about them. Some are unconscious, and we have no awareness of the reasons.<\\/p><p>Whatever the reasons, when we choose one partner, we are giving up the chance to be with all others. It\\u2019s a pretty serious commitment. In fact, it\\u2019s the most serious, especially if we have children and are tied together for life.<\\/p><p>Me: Why else did you choose to commit to her?<\\/p><p>Jake: I wanted a family and she seemed to want this too.<\\/p><p>Me: Ah so your biological drive had kicked in. You\\u2019d already invested in this relationship, and you were ready to get on with it.<\\/p><p>Jake: Yes, and after we had our children, it all broke down.<\\/p><p>Me: So, she\\u2019d fulfilled the contract of what you wanted? You\\u2019d both had the kids, life became more hectic and definitely less fun.<\\/p><p>As a therapist, I\\u2019ve seen many Jake\\u2019s. So many couples feel the pull of the biological drive but don\\u2019t necessarily have enough of a couple connection to keep them together to last the distance.<\\/p><p>To their credit, Jake and his wife had worked hard to hold the relationship together. They also saw a couples therapist. Neither of them wanted a separation, especially with such young children.<\\/p><p>We need to remember why we chose our partner as this provides important clues as to what the initial couple contract was about. Of course, Jake\\u2019s contract was more complex than this. However, when we enter a relationship, we want something particular for our relationship with this chosen person. We want them to help create a relationship that fulfils certain aspects for us.<\\/p><p>When the contract isn\\u2019t adhered to, relationships can destabilise, and sadly like Jake\\u2019s, even end. What\\u2019s important for all of us is to think about are the parts of the contract we signed up to. And what did our partner want from us when they committed? Are they complaining or resentful about us? Don\\u2019t forget \\u2013 there are two contracts in any relationship.<\\/p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (1355872709)<\\/em><\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(19248,5271,'_elementor_css','a:7:{s:4:\"time\";i:1661513036;s:5:\"fonts\";a:0:{}s:5:\"icons\";a:0:{}s:20:\"dynamic_elements_ids\";a:0:{}s:6:\"status\";s:5:\"empty\";i:0;s:0:\"\";s:3:\"css\";s:0:\"\";}'),(19251,5272,'_wp_page_template','default'),(19252,5272,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(19253,5272,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(19254,5272,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(19255,5272,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(19256,5272,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(19257,5272,'_thumbnail_id','5270'),(19258,5272,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:3:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:1;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:1;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}}'),(19259,5272,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>I was walking my dogs with my new friend Jake the other day. He was telling me about his relationship with his ex-wife and how different they were and why their relationship didn\\u2019t work out. Jake had his list of reasons for why she wasn\\u2019t right for him. These were framed with a negative lens where in the main, she had been inadequate as a partner or even a bit crazy in some way.<\\/p><p>When we find ourselves in a relationship like Jake\\u2019s, it\\u2019s so easy to blame our partner for not being the partner we want them to be. We can feel let down, frustrated, and even distressed that they haven\\u2019t been able to offer us the kind of relationship we wanted or dreamed of having.<\\/p><p>Now Jake and I had quickly established a friendship where I felt I could be very honest with him, so I wasn\\u2019t going to beat around the bush. It helps that he\\u2019s intelligent and able to laugh at himself. So, after listening to a few of his complaints about his ex-wife, I asked him why he chose her in the first place? We can\\u2019t understand our complaints or resentment about our partner unless we remember why we chose our partner in the first place.<\\/p><p>Jake: She was fun and liked to be playful and I really enjoyed this about her.<\\/p><p>Me: (I remembered that Jake was an only child) Was she like a sibling, you\\u2019d not had someone at home to play with?<\\/p><p>Jake: Yes. I missed out on this, and my home could be lonely.<\\/p><p>As Jake\\u2019s not my client I didn\\u2019t go deeper with him or have him explain how he was lonely or what he\\u2019d missed out on as a child. What I do know is that one reason is never the full story of why we chose our partner to commit to for life. Some reasons are conscious, and we can think about them and may even talk about them. Some are unconscious, and we have no awareness of the reasons.<\\/p><p>Whatever the reasons, when we choose one partner, we are giving up the chance to be with all others. It\\u2019s a pretty serious commitment. In fact, it\\u2019s the most serious, especially if we have children and are tied together for life.<\\/p><p>Me: Why else did you choose to commit to her?<\\/p><p>Jake: I wanted a family and she seemed to want this too.<\\/p><p>Me: Ah so your biological drive had kicked in. You\\u2019d already invested in this relationship, and you were ready to get on with it.<\\/p><p>Jake: Yes, and after we had our children, it all broke down.<\\/p><p>Me: So, she\\u2019d fulfilled the contract of what you wanted? You\\u2019d both had the kids, life became more hectic and definitely less fun.<\\/p><p>As a therapist, I\\u2019ve seen many Jake\\u2019s. So many couples feel the pull of the biological drive but don\\u2019t necessarily have enough of a couple connection to keep them together to last the distance.<\\/p><p>To their credit, Jake and his wife had worked hard to hold the relationship together. They also saw a couples therapist. Neither of them wanted a separation, especially with such young children.<\\/p><p>We need to remember why we chose our partner as this provides important clues as to what the initial couple contract was about. Of course, Jake\\u2019s contract was more complex than this. However, when we enter a relationship, we want something particular for our relationship with this chosen person. We want them to help create a relationship that fulfils certain aspects for us.<\\/p><p>When the contract isn\\u2019t adhered to, relationships can destabilise, and sadly like Jake\\u2019s, even end. What\\u2019s important for all of us is to think about are the parts of the contract we signed up to. And what did our partner want from us when they committed? Are they complaining or resentful about us? Don\\u2019t forget \\u2013 there are two contracts in any relationship.<\\/p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (1355872709)<\\/em><\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(19260,5272,'_elementor_css','a:7:{s:4:\"time\";i:1661513036;s:5:\"fonts\";a:0:{}s:5:\"icons\";a:0:{}s:20:\"dynamic_elements_ids\";a:0:{}s:6:\"status\";s:5:\"empty\";i:0;s:0:\"\";s:3:\"css\";s:0:\"\";}'),(19261,5273,'_wp_page_template','default'),(19262,5273,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(19263,5273,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(19264,5273,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(19265,5273,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(19266,5273,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(19267,5273,'_thumbnail_id','5270'),(19268,5273,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:3:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:1;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:1;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}}'),(19269,5273,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>I was walking my dogs with my new friend Jake the other day. He was telling me about his relationship with his ex-wife and how different they were and why their relationship didn\\u2019t work out. Jake had his list of reasons for why she wasn\\u2019t right for him. These were framed with a negative lens where in the main, she had been inadequate as a partner or even a bit crazy in some way.<\\/p><p>When we find ourselves in a relationship like Jake\\u2019s, it\\u2019s so easy to blame our partner for not being the partner we want them to be. We can feel let down, frustrated, and even distressed that they haven\\u2019t been able to offer us the kind of relationship we wanted or dreamed of having.<\\/p><p>Now Jake and I had quickly established a friendship where I felt I could be very honest with him, so I wasn\\u2019t going to beat around the bush. It helps that he\\u2019s intelligent and able to laugh at himself. So, after listening to a few of his complaints about his ex-wife, I asked him why he chose her in the first place? We can\\u2019t understand our complaints or resentment about our partner unless we remember why we chose our partner in the first place.<\\/p><p>Jake: She was fun and liked to be playful and I really enjoyed this about her.<\\/p><p>Me: (I remembered that Jake was an only child) Was she like a sibling, you\\u2019d not had someone at home to play with?<\\/p><p>Jake: Yes. I missed out on this, and my home could be lonely.<\\/p><p>As Jake\\u2019s not my client I didn\\u2019t go deeper with him or have him explain how he was lonely or what he\\u2019d missed out on as a child. What I do know is that one reason is never the full story of why we chose our partner to commit to for life. Some reasons are conscious, and we can think about them and may even talk about them. Some are unconscious, and we have no awareness of the reasons.<\\/p><p>Whatever the reasons, when we choose one partner, we are giving up the chance to be with all others. It\\u2019s a pretty serious commitment. In fact, it\\u2019s the most serious, especially if we have children and are tied together for life.<\\/p><p>Me: Why else did you choose to commit to her?<\\/p><p>Jake: I wanted a family and she seemed to want this too.<\\/p><p>Me: Ah so your biological drive had kicked in. You\\u2019d already invested in this relationship, and you were ready to get on with it.<\\/p><p>Jake: Yes, and after we had our children, it all broke down.<\\/p><p>Me: So, she\\u2019d fulfilled the contract of what you wanted? You\\u2019d both had the kids, life became more hectic and definitely less fun.<\\/p><p>As a therapist, I\\u2019ve seen many Jake\\u2019s. So many couples feel the pull of the biological drive but don\\u2019t necessarily have enough of a couple connection to keep them together to last the distance.<\\/p><p>To their credit, Jake and his wife had worked hard to hold the relationship together. They also saw a couples therapist. Neither of them wanted a separation, especially with such young children.<\\/p><p>We need to remember why we chose our partner as this provides important clues as to what the initial couple contract was about. Of course, Jake\\u2019s contract was more complex than this. However, when we enter a relationship, we want something particular for our relationship with this chosen person. We want them to help create a relationship that fulfils certain aspects for us.<\\/p><p>When the contract isn\\u2019t adhered to, relationships can destabilise, and sadly like Jake\\u2019s, even end. What\\u2019s important for all of us is to think about are the parts of the contract we signed up to. And what did our partner want from us when they committed? Are they complaining or resentful about us? Don\\u2019t forget \\u2013 there are two contracts in any relationship.<\\/p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (1355872709)<\\/em><\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(19270,5273,'_elementor_css','a:7:{s:4:\"time\";i:1661513036;s:5:\"fonts\";a:0:{}s:5:\"icons\";a:0:{}s:20:\"dynamic_elements_ids\";a:0:{}s:6:\"status\";s:5:\"empty\";i:0;s:0:\"\";s:3:\"css\";s:0:\"\";}'),(19271,5274,'_wp_page_template','default'),(19272,5274,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(19273,5274,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(19274,5274,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(19275,5274,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(19276,5274,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(19277,5274,'_thumbnail_id','5270'),(19278,5274,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:3:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:1;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:1;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}}'),(19279,5274,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>We all have a friend, or are the friend, who can see danger down the track. It could be impending danger or a catastrophe a mile off. The catastrophe I\\u2019m talking about is not about earthquakes or floods, nor is it about bus crashes or stampeding elephants. I\\u2019m talking about the ever-present sense of an impending catastrophe in one\\u2019s couple relationship.<\\/p><p>My client Jenna doesn\\u2019t trust her boyfriend and secretly checks his phone. He\\u2019s never done anything for her to doubt him. He\\u2019s not secretive, and even leaves his phone around the flat. Why does Jenna do this? What\\u2019s she worried about? She hates checking yet feels compelled to do it.<\\/p><p>My friend Liam told me last week he fears his partner of 4 years is going to end their relationship. He\\u2019s often worried. He doesn\\u2019t want to lose his partner, and even though she hasn\\u2019t said anything, he just can\\u2019t shake the feeling she thinks he\\u2019s not good enough. He often feels insecure and gets jealous easily. He dreams of moving with her to the countryside where it\\u2019s just the two of them.<\\/p><p>Marco from my gym group won\\u2019t date anyone more than three times. He says \\u201cwhat\\u2019s the point? All relationships start well and end in shit! I may as well bail while I can.\\u201d<\\/p><p>Why do some people do this, and others don\\u2019t? The quick answer is trauma. These people have all experienced trauma in their relationships, either with parents or caregivers in childhood or in their adult couple relationships. Through these relationships where life was at times, distressing or frightening, they were altered by trauma. Traumatic experiences become encoded in our mind and body, and unless they are healed they will re-emerge later in life.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"6f81e0d\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"7a6ef2a\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"ae3814c\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"What is trauma?\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"5d2df73\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"501f394\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"dce5651\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Trauma and addiction expert, Gabor Mate, states that trauma is \\u201ca psychic wound that hardens you psychologically that then interferes with your ability to grow and develop. It pains you and now you\\u2019re acting out of pain. It induces fear and now you\\u2019re acting out of fear. \\u201cTrauma is not what happens to you, it\\u2019s what happens inside you as a result of what happened to you.\\u201d<\\/p><p>What this means is that the same situation may or may not be encoded as a trauma for different people. For example, not all soldiers returning from Vietnam had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, even if they went through similar experiences.<\\/p><p>Let\\u2019s look at relational trauma. This wires a child\\u2019s mind and nervous system with negativity and fear. This is encoded and then presents itself in adult relationships where they become hypervigilant and insecure in their couple relationship.<\\/p><p>For some children, a parent\\u2019s alcoholism may or may not be encoded as traumatic. If it has been encoded as trauma, then it will show itself with one\\u2019s partner when alcohol becomes an issue in the relationship.<\\/p><p>If a child has felt traumatised by a parent being out of control and aggressive, then this will typically cause them to be reactive with their partner around these issues, and they will be continuously seeking safety in their relationship. This is what Marco experienced as a child, and it\\u2019s made him fearful of being with someone who may trigger his childhood trauma.<\\/p><p>If a child has had a parent leave the family suddenly due to an affair, then this may be encoded as traumatic. This is Jenna\\u2019s trauma, where her mum left her dad for another man when she was 12. Her dad was unable to cope for about a year and this meant Jenna had no parent able to help her cope with the loss of her mum.<\\/p><p>Liam\\u2019s dad was cruel. He continuously made statements of how \\u2018useless\\u2019 he was. He\\u2019d tell him to \\u2018man-up\\u2019 even when he was a little boy. His mum never said anything. She was scared of his dad\\u2019s harsh tongue too. Liam could be terrified of his dad and was traumatised by him. In his couple relationship, Liam often believes his partner thinks he\\u2019s not good enough. He tries to hide it by doing so much for her and being too good to be true. He spends so much time worrying about her and how she feels about him, just like he did as a child with his dad.<\\/p><p>As you can see, trauma disrupts the child\\u2019s ability to feel safer in their adult relationships. These are only a few examples, where as adults there is so much fear and pre-occupation with one\\u2019s partner about an impending catastrophe in the relationship.<\\/p><p>If this is you, you don\\u2019t have to live like this. It\\u2019s important to understand the impact of your trauma so you can heal from it, liberating your mind and body from the hold the trauma has over your life and relationship.<\\/p><p>If you think you have experienced trauma in childhood and are unsure whether it\\u2019s impacting your life and relationship, please feel free to contact me <a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/get-in-touch\\/\\\"><strong>here<\\/strong><\\/a>.<\\/p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock 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They have their blind spots too. The thing is that children are so dependent on them for absolutely everything emotionally, practically, and financially. Children are rather powerless in the scheme of things.<\\/p><p>This means that as children we were vulnerable to the emotional state of our parents. If they were sufficiently well and present, then we were fortunate and experienced less fear in childhood. Yet if not, then home would have had moments of being frightening and even traumatizing.<\\/p><p>These experiences leave an imprint on our mind and body, which remains with us throughout life, unless we find ways to heal. 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If it has been encoded as trauma, then it will show itself with one\\u2019s partner when alcohol becomes an issue in the relationship.<\\/p><p>If a child has felt traumatised by a parent being out of control and aggressive, then this will typically cause them to be reactive with their partner around these issues, and they will be continuously seeking safety in their relationship. This is what Marco experienced as a child, and it\\u2019s made him fearful of being with someone who may trigger his childhood trauma.<\\/p><p>If a child has had a parent leave the family suddenly due to an affair, then this may be encoded as traumatic. This is Jenna\\u2019s trauma, where her mum left her dad for another man when she was 12. Her dad was unable to cope for about a year and this meant Jenna had no parent able to help her cope with the loss of her mum.<\\/p><p>Liam\\u2019s dad was cruel. He continuously made statements of how \\u2018useless\\u2019 he was. He\\u2019d tell him to \\u2018man-up\\u2019 even when he was a little boy. His mum never said anything. She was scared of his dad\\u2019s harsh tongue too. Liam could be terrified of his dad and was traumatised by him. In his couple relationship, Liam often believes his partner thinks he\\u2019s not good enough. He tries to hide it by doing so much for her and being too good to be true. He spends so much time worrying about her and how she feels about him, just like he did as a child with his dad.<\\/p><p>As you can see, trauma disrupts the child\\u2019s ability to feel safer in their adult relationships. These are only a few examples, where as adults there is so much fear and pre-occupation with one\\u2019s partner about an impending catastrophe in the relationship.<\\/p><p>If this is you, you don\\u2019t have to live like this. It\\u2019s important to understand the impact of your trauma so you can heal from it, liberating your mind and body from the hold the trauma has over your life and relationship.<\\/p><p>If you think you have experienced trauma in childhood and are unsure whether it\\u2019s impacting your life and relationship, please feel free to contact me <a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/get-in-touch\\/\\\"><strong>here<\\/strong><\\/a>.<\\/p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (2072414141)<\\/em><\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(19487,5291,'_elementor_css','a:7:{s:4:\"time\";i:1662634773;s:5:\"fonts\";a:0:{}s:5:\"icons\";a:0:{}s:20:\"dynamic_elements_ids\";a:0:{}s:6:\"status\";s:5:\"empty\";i:0;s:0:\"\";s:3:\"css\";s:0:\"\";}'),(19488,5292,'_wp_page_template','default'),(19489,5292,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(19490,5292,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(19491,5292,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(19492,5292,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(19493,5292,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(19494,5292,'_thumbnail_id','5288'),(19495,5292,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:4:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:2;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:2;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:3;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:3;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:3;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}s:7:\"heading\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:13:\"section_title\";a:1:{s:5:\"title\";i:1;}}}}}'),(19496,5292,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Us poor mortals! We have some major blind spots that impact our lives and relationships. I\\u2019ve totally felt the impact of these blind spots throughout life, and I can guarantee that you have too. As these blind spots are held in our unconscious mind \\u2013 we simply don\\u2019t know what they are how they cause us to create distress and chaos. Put simply, we don\\u2019t know what we don\\u2019t know and we can pay a hefty price for this.<\\/p><p>The blind spot I want to discuss today is <b>TRIGGERS<\\/b> \\u2013 this is a monster blind spot!<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"6f81e0d\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"7a6ef2a\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"ae3814c\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"What is a trigger?\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"5d2df73\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"501f394\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"dce5651\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>A trigger is\\u00a0any behaviour or stimuli that causes us to recall a traumatic or distressing\\u00a0emotional experience from the past.<\\/p><p>The problem we face is that when we have been triggered, we have no awareness of this past event, and the emotional experience feels very present. Some of these past events that distressed us happened when we were\\u00a0 young, and often with parents or caregivers who were:\\u00a0<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"a7d9018\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"88eb374\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"db324f0\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"overbearing\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"ab13eea\"},{\"text\":\"controlling\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"885efaa\"},{\"text\":\"critical\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"2b882b2\"},{\"text\":\"disappoving\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"fa34e0b\"},{\"text\":\"blaming\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"6d875ff\"},{\"text\":\"judgmental\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"12d81bd\"},{\"text\":\"unsupportive\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"b28f091\"},{\"text\":\"unavailable\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"6250a7f\"},{\"text\":\"frightening\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"90a910c\"},{\"text\":\"abusive or violent\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"771cc10\"}],\"icon_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"de5e67a\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"d14e92c\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"62f447c\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Parents didn\\u2019t necessarily mean to be frightening, judgmental, disapproving or overbearing. They have their blind spots too. The thing is that children are so dependent on them for absolutely everything emotionally, practically, and financially. Children are rather powerless in the scheme of things.<\\/p><p>This means that as children we were vulnerable to the emotional state of our parents. If they were sufficiently well and present, then we were fortunate and experienced less fear in childhood. Yet if not, then home would have had moments of being frightening and even traumatizing.<\\/p><p>These experiences leave an imprint on our mind and body, which remains with us throughout life, unless we find ways to heal. The imprint it leaves is fear, which remains encoded and causes us to have greater reactivity and insecurity throughout life and in a whole host of relationships.<\\/p><p>This means that throughout life we will perceive our environment and relationships to be more threatening causing us to be more triggered than those raised with more stability.<\\/p><p>When we\\u2019re triggered, the emotions in the present feel awful, overwhelming, and even dangerous because the triggering event or behaviour has, what I call, a whiff of familiarity to the past. At that moment we can feel as small and vulnerable as we did in childhood. It doesn\\u2019t mean that we are actually in a similarly vulnerable position again \\u2013 we just feel it\\u2019s the same level of vulnerability.<\\/p><p>We feel the fear like we did when we were small, and attribute this to whoever we are with. Is it our partner\\u2019s tone of voice or their volume? Is it a look of disapproval from our boss? Is it an action or a particular phrase they use? We all have different triggers based on what is encoded in our relational template.<\\/p><p>Whether we are with friends, family, our partner, or with colleagues, we will be more prone to being triggered. We will perceive others to be a threat to us and then react to them as if the threat were similar to the threat we experienced in childhood. This causes us to go into survival mode \\u2013 our fight-or-flight response.<\\/p><p>In<span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><strong> fight mode<\\/strong><\\/span> we may yell, complain, tantrum, use pushback, name call or belittle the person who we believe is a threat to us.<\\/p><p>In <span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><strong>flight mode<\\/strong><\\/span>, we may want to escape by leaving for another room or the streets or even turn to self-destructive behaviours like drinking alcohol or becoming compliant \\u2013 to make the feelings go away.<\\/p><p>The problem with triggers is that our boss, colleague, partner, children, mother-in-law, or friend, were not around when we were frightened, overwhelmed or sad as a child. They are just being themselves and are not in contact with our triggers. 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And as they are unconscious, for most of us we have absolutely no idea what triggers us and why.<\\/p><p>It is the why that leads me to share with you the next major blind spot that impacts our lives \\u2013 this is our relational template. The way we have been consciously and unconsciously wired is held in our relational templates.<\\/p><p>When we were young, we absorbed so much information, the happy and connected times, and the frightening or lonely times. Imagine that these experiences were encoded into our relational template \\u2013 it is like a program that we run our relationships from throughout life.<\\/p><p>It holds our expectations, beliefs, opinions, and rules for how we should or shouldn\\u2019t behave and be treated in a relationship. We all have a unique relational template \\u2013 made up of thousands and thousands of interactions with parents or caregivers.<\\/p><p>What we don\\u2019t truly understand is how we are wired for relationships inside of our own mind. We might get a glimpse of it through our behaviour or the stories we create about ourselves, others, and situations.<\\/p><p>Our partner\\u2019s relational template will be different so there will always be a gap between theirs and ours. What\\u2019s critical is how partners navigate this gap. It\\u2019s the difference between a safe and happy enough relationship and one that struggles, has conflict, or even ends.<\\/p><p>For many of us who can\\u2019t tolerate this gap, we will experience what\\u2019s called distress intolerance. This means we are unable to sit with the difficult feelings that come up for when faced with our partner having different relationship expectations, beliefs, opinions, or rules from us.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>We can feel distressed, sad, lonely, overwhelmed if our partner doesn\\u2019t:<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"a7d9018\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"88eb374\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"db324f0\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"Respect us in a way that we want to be respected \",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"ab13eea\"},{\"text\":\"Protect us in a way that we want protection \",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"885efaa\"},{\"text\":\"Communicate in a way that we approve of\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"2b882b2\"},{\"text\":\"Celebrate our birthday or anniversary with significant importance\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"fa34e0b\"},{\"text\":\"Offer us sufficient care, concern, or containment so we feel safe\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"6d875ff\"}],\"icon_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"},{\"id\":\"110713e\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"space\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":20,\"sizes\":[]}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"spacer\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"de5e67a\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"d14e92c\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"62f447c\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>We can even feel betrayal at a deep level when faced with the reality of who our partner is, compared to who we want them to be, so we feel safe. We want them to operate according to our relational template. We may even try to control them and move them to be like us. This doesn\\u2019t work generally. No-one like to be changed or controlled and deep down we all want to be accepted for who we are.<\\/p><p>If we can\\u2019t sit with and process this distress, we usually try to suppress it by stuffing it down inside of ourselves or we shove the awful feelings onto someone else. I call the latter emotional vomiting. We all know what it feels like to have someone\\u2019s emotional vomit on us. It feels brutal and icky. We will typically have something to say about it.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>It\\u2019s critical for all of us to work on ourselves to stop the chaos and distress in our own lives. We also have a responsibility to not emotionally vomit on others. This means we need to understand how our own relational templates from childhood still operate in us today.<\\/p><p>Are we still clingy? Are we still mistrusting? Are we still secretive? Are we still lonely? We don\\u2019t need to keep doing this today, but we can\\u2019t change what we don\\u2019t know. So how do we do this? Therapy, books, online courses, and podcasts are helpful for joining our past with our present. 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We have some major blind spots that impact our lives and relationships. I\\u2019ve totally felt the impact of these blind spots throughout life, and I can guarantee that you have too. As these blind spots are held in our unconscious mind \\u2013 we simply don\\u2019t know what they are how they cause us to create distress and chaos. Put simply, we don\\u2019t know what we don\\u2019t know and we can pay a hefty price for this.<\\/p><p>The blind spot I want to discuss today is <b>TRIGGERS<\\/b> \\u2013 this is a monster blind spot!<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"6f81e0d\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"7a6ef2a\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"ae3814c\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"What is a trigger?\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"5d2df73\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"501f394\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"dce5651\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>A trigger is\\u00a0any behaviour or stimuli that causes us to recall a traumatic or distressing\\u00a0emotional experience from the past.<\\/p><p>The problem we face is that when we have been triggered, we have no awareness of this past event, and the emotional experience feels very present. Some of these past events that distressed us happened when we were\\u00a0 young, and often with parents or caregivers who were:\\u00a0<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"a7d9018\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"88eb374\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"db324f0\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"overbearing\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"ab13eea\"},{\"text\":\"controlling\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"885efaa\"},{\"text\":\"critical\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"2b882b2\"},{\"text\":\"disappoving\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"fa34e0b\"},{\"text\":\"blaming\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"6d875ff\"},{\"text\":\"judgmental\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"12d81bd\"},{\"text\":\"unsupportive\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"b28f091\"},{\"text\":\"unavailable\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"6250a7f\"},{\"text\":\"frightening\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"90a910c\"},{\"text\":\"abusive or violent\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"771cc10\"}],\"icon_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"de5e67a\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"d14e92c\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"62f447c\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Parents didn\\u2019t necessarily mean to be frightening, judgmental, disapproving or overbearing. They have their blind spots too. The thing is that children are so dependent on them for absolutely everything emotionally, practically, and financially. Children are rather powerless in the scheme of things.<\\/p><p>This means that as children we were vulnerable to the emotional state of our parents. If they were sufficiently well and present, then we were fortunate and experienced less fear in childhood. Yet if not, then home would have had moments of being frightening and even traumatizing.<\\/p><p>These experiences leave an imprint on our mind and body, which remains with us throughout life, unless we find ways to heal. The imprint it leaves is fear, which remains encoded and causes us to have greater reactivity and insecurity throughout life and in a whole host of relationships.<\\/p><p>This means that throughout life we will perceive our environment and relationships to be more threatening causing us to be more triggered than those raised with more stability.<\\/p><p>When we\\u2019re triggered, the emotions in the present feel awful, overwhelming, and even dangerous because the triggering event or behaviour has, what I call, a whiff of familiarity to the past. At that moment we can feel as small and vulnerable as we did in childhood. It doesn\\u2019t mean that we are actually in a similarly vulnerable position again \\u2013 we just feel it\\u2019s the same level of vulnerability.<\\/p><p>We feel the fear like we did when we were small, and attribute this to whoever we are with. Is it our partner\\u2019s tone of voice or their volume? Is it a look of disapproval from our boss? Is it an action or a particular phrase they use? We all have different triggers based on what is encoded in our relational template.<\\/p><p>Whether we are with friends, family, our partner, or with colleagues, we will be more prone to being triggered. We will perceive others to be a threat to us and then react to them as if the threat were similar to the threat we experienced in childhood. This causes us to go into survival mode \\u2013 our fight-or-flight response.<\\/p><p>In<span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><strong> fight mode<\\/strong><\\/span> we may yell, complain, tantrum, use pushback, name call or belittle the person who we believe is a threat to us.<\\/p><p>In <span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><strong>flight mode<\\/strong><\\/span>, we may want to escape by leaving for another room or the streets or even turn to self-destructive behaviours like drinking alcohol or becoming compliant \\u2013 to make the feelings go away.<\\/p><p>The problem with triggers is that our boss, colleague, partner, children, mother-in-law, or friend, were not around when we were frightened, overwhelmed or sad as a child. They are just being themselves and are not in contact with our triggers. 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