[{"id":"98c2662","elType":"section","settings":[],"elements":[{"id":"9c0a391","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":100,"_inline_size":null},"elements":[{"id":"626734a","elType":"widget","settings":{"editor":"<p>We all have a friend, or are the friend, who can see danger down the track. It could be impending danger or a catastrophe a mile off. The catastrophe I\u2019m talking about is not about earthquakes or floods, nor is it about bus crashes or stampeding elephants. I\u2019m talking about the ever-present sense of an impending catastrophe in one\u2019s couple relationship.<\/p><p>My client Jenna doesn\u2019t trust her boyfriend and secretly checks his phone. He\u2019s never done anything for her to doubt him. He\u2019s not secretive, and even leaves his phone around the flat. Why does Jenna do this? What\u2019s she worried about? She hates checking yet feels compelled to do it.<\/p><p>My friend Liam told me last week he fears his partner of 4 years is going to end their relationship. He\u2019s often worried. He doesn\u2019t want to lose his partner, and even though she hasn\u2019t said anything, he just can\u2019t shake the feeling she thinks he\u2019s not good enough. He often feels insecure and gets jealous easily. He dreams of moving with her to the countryside where it\u2019s just the two of them.<\/p><p>Marco from my gym group won\u2019t date anyone more than three times. He says \u201cwhat\u2019s the point? All relationships start well and end in shit! I may as well bail while I can.\u201d<\/p><p>Why do some people do this, and others don\u2019t? The quick answer is trauma. These people have all experienced trauma in their relationships, either with parents or caregivers in childhood or in their adult couple relationships. Through these relationships where life was at times, distressing or frightening, they were altered by trauma. Traumatic experiences become encoded in our mind and body, and unless they are healed they will re-emerge later in life.<\/p>"},"elements":[],"widgetType":"text-editor"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"6f81e0d","elType":"section","settings":[],"elements":[{"id":"7a6ef2a","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":100,"_inline_size":null},"elements":[{"id":"ae3814c","elType":"widget","settings":{"title":"What is trauma?"},"elements":[],"widgetType":"heading"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"5d2df73","elType":"section","settings":[],"elements":[{"id":"501f394","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":100,"_inline_size":null},"elements":[{"id":"dce5651","elType":"widget","settings":{"editor":"<p>Trauma and addiction expert, Gabor Mate, states that trauma is \u201ca psychic wound that hardens you psychologically that then interferes with your ability to grow and develop. It pains you and now you\u2019re acting out of pain. It induces fear and now you\u2019re acting out of fear. \u201cTrauma is not what happens to you, it\u2019s what happens inside you as a result of what happened to you.\u201d<\/p><p>What this means is that the same situation may or may not be encoded as a trauma for different people. For example, not all soldiers returning from Vietnam had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, even if they went through similar experiences.<\/p><p>Let\u2019s look at relational trauma. This wires a child\u2019s mind and nervous system with negativity and fear. This is encoded and then presents itself in adult relationships where they become hypervigilant and insecure in their couple relationship.<\/p><p>For some children, a parent\u2019s alcoholism may or may not be encoded as traumatic. If it has been encoded as trauma, then it will show itself with one\u2019s partner when alcohol becomes an issue in the relationship.<\/p><p>If a child has felt traumatised by a parent being out of control and aggressive, then this will typically cause them to be reactive with their partner around these issues, and they will be continuously seeking safety in their relationship. This is what Marco experienced as a child, and it\u2019s made him fearful of being with someone who may trigger his childhood trauma.<\/p><p>If a child has had a parent leave the family suddenly due to an affair, then this may be encoded as traumatic. This is Jenna\u2019s trauma, where her mum left her dad for another man when she was 12. Her dad was unable to cope for about a year and this meant Jenna had no parent able to help her cope with the loss of her mum.<\/p><p>Liam\u2019s dad was cruel. He continuously made statements of how \u2018useless\u2019 he was. He\u2019d tell him to \u2018man-up\u2019 even when he was a little boy. His mum never said anything. She was scared of his dad\u2019s harsh tongue too. Liam could be terrified of his dad and was traumatised by him. In his couple relationship, Liam often believes his partner thinks he\u2019s not good enough. He tries to hide it by doing so much for her and being too good to be true. He spends so much time worrying about her and how she feels about him, just like he did as a child with his dad.<\/p><p>As you can see, trauma disrupts the child\u2019s ability to feel safer in their adult relationships. These are only a few examples, where as adults there is so much fear and pre-occupation with one\u2019s partner about an impending catastrophe in the relationship.<\/p><p>If this is you, you don\u2019t have to live like this. It\u2019s important to understand the impact of your trauma so you can heal from it, liberating your mind and body from the hold the trauma has over your life and relationship.<\/p><p>If you think you have experienced trauma in childhood and are unsure whether it\u2019s impacting your life and relationship, please feel free to contact me <a href=\"https:\/\/www.lissyabrahams.com\/get-in-touch\/\"><strong>here<\/strong><\/a>.<\/p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (2072414141)<\/em><\/p>"},"elements":[],"widgetType":"text-editor"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false}]