(5205,3,'2022-08-26 10:23:07','2022-08-26 10:23:07','<p>At the end of 2021 most of us were desperate for the Christmas break to come and offer some reprieve from the year we’d just had. Especially those of us in NSW and Victoria, we wanted a change of scenery or to have freedom to be in the world doing things we previously enjoyed.</p><p> </p><p>There had been so much anxiety, overwhelm, and depression throughout the past 2 years dealing with the pandemic and the changes we needed to make. Many of us kept working straight through until the Christmas break. What was the point of taking time off work any earlier to sit in lockdown at home?</p><p>From my end I was looking forward to spending time with my family and friends. We’d all missed the face-to-face contact with each other. Then as Omicron ripped across the state our gatherings, birthdays and Christmas plans were pared down or cancelled. Friends who were on holidays became sick. Some on their return were holed up with Covid. Being somewhere else this Christmas break wasn’t feeling as appealing anymore.</p><p>We received the news on Boxing Day that my younger daughter was a close Covid contact. She went into a week’s isolation to see if symptoms developed. I laid low at that time, as I knew that if she was infected then chances were that I’d also be. She was fine. That was my first week of holidays.</p><p>As we move through the first days of 2022 everything was closing down even more. So many of us were not going to restaurants, cafes, cinemas, family picnics, or being with friends for fear of exposure to Omicron. Even though we’re so used to this as we’ve been here before, we’re still disappointed. It’s feeling a lot like lockdown.</p><p>I’d also been looking forward to going to a health retreat by myself for 5 days. I first booked this in June 2021, then as Delta swept in I moved it to October, and then rebooked for January. I’d worked hard this year as a therapist supporting my clients through variants, restrictions, and lockdowns. I’d worked hard on my online business helping partners reduce couple conflict and improve their communication, and I’d also worked tirelessly to write a book for my publisher in just 3 months. I was ready to kickstart 2022 with a healthy-tude and loads of physical activity.</p><p>I was ready to read books by a pool, attend different classes in the retreat’s gym, do stretching and yoga classes, and to have time to myself. Secretly I was beyond excited at the thought of having 3 healthy meals per day prepared for me. This is because I’ve been completely over cooking for 8 months. Forget entertaining at home ever again – I’m over that too. I’ve been doing the entertaining gig for years, even decades, and it’s over – I’m cooked. So yes, I was disappointed to cancel this due to Omicron ripping around our state.</p><p>Then on 3rd January my older daughter called to tell me she was positive to Covid. I’d enjoyed being with her the two days prior to this. Despite not officially meeting the criteria of a close contact we’d been together in my home (she lives out), in my car, playing with our dogs, and we’d greeted each other with hugs and kisses. Fortunately, she hasn’t been too unwell as she isolates on her own. As a parent it’s so hard to drop food and pharmacy meds off at the door and walk away.</p><p>So many of us now have Covid. Young and old, it’s not discriminating. Everyday I’m hearing of more people I know with it. I’m still laying pretty low and doing RAT tests in case I have it too. I don’t want anyone becoming sick from me. This is my second week of holidays. I’m disappointed as it’s nothing like I thought it would be.</p><p>But why should it be what I want it to be? The last 2 years has taught us not to become too attached to what we want and how we believe life should be.</p><p>Prior to the pandemic, we were so fortunate that we could count on many things happening that we put in motion. We were not even aware how fortunate we were to be able to plan a few days away and count on getting there. We didn’t blink when we booked a restaurant knowing it wouldn’t need to be cancelled. We had no idea we couldn’t hug a parent who lives only one suburb away. We could rely on life being more or less what we wanted it to be.</p><p>So, it’s fine to be disappointed. You are and so am I. We’re all in a strange place where we either fear becoming sick, are already sick, or are waiting to see if we are sick. And we’re all sick of Covid. Yet we need to remember that we’re still in a pandemic. There will likely be more disappointment for all of us to come. However, what it does mean is that we will cherish the times ahead when we are able to hang out with our friends and families without the C-word, go on a trip as planned, dance in a club, or be in a restaurant with a free mind again. We will appreciate our everyday in a way we never really did before, and this will feel so joyful.</p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (1698309571)</em></p>','It’s Ok To Be Disappointed. Most Of Us Are.','','inherit','closed','closed','','5200-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 10:23:07','2022-08-26 10:23:07','',5200,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5205',0,'revision','',0),(5206,3,'2022-01-25 10:23:54','2022-01-25 10:23:54','<p>Our ego – the voice in our head that tells stories from first thing in the morning until late at night – is constantly attempting to create meaning to protect our identity and sense of self. We hear a moment-to-moment commentary about what’s happening inside of ourselves mentally and physically, and outside of ourselves with other people, situations, and environments. Our ego creates this.</p><p>Whenever our ego is operating, we are not dealing with facts. It’s always narrating our experience from our own subjective perspective. This is why we all have such different views of ourselves, situations, and other people.</p><p>As our ego is concerned with preserving our identity, when we feel it is being threatened, we have a range of tools to protect ourselves. These are called<strong> ego defence mechanisms</strong>. They emerge when we emotionally wobble as we haven’t yet learned to process or tolerate difficult experiences in another way. We use defence mechanisms without even being aware, as they are unconscious. There are quite a few, some of these include denial, projection, splitting, repression, rationalisation, and regression.</p><p>I want to share the common defence mechanism <strong>regression</strong>, so that you can be on the look out for it when you’re relating to yourself via your ego, your partner or anyone else.</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h3>What is Regression?</h3>		\n		<p>Regression is an unconscious ego defence mechanism used when we revert to the emotions or behaviour of an earlier developmental stage. What we’re doing is ‘escaping’ to the earlier stage as the situation we are in feels too much for us to tolerate. We’re avoiding the reality of the situation as we may feel overwhelmed, anxious, or upset.</p><p>We can easily recognise regression when young children regress to earlier developmental stages. Sometimes this can feel quite alarming for parents. A common regressed behaviour is when a child becomes aware that their parents are going to have another child. They may show their excitement offering great relief to parents, yet that doesn’t mean it’s plain sailing for them emotionally.</p><p>The child is often too young to verbalise how they may also feel upset or anxious about the changes that they never asked for, or they may fear they are no longer the special child to their parents, or not good enough to remain the last or an only child.</p><p>These feelings may be seen through their regressed state where they revert to wetting the bed or having accidents when they’ve been nappy trained or insisting on being spoon-fed like a baby. Regressed behaviour is completely normal. If you see regressed behaviours in your child, it’s a clue that they are struggling. Use it as an opportunity to talk with your child – even if they’re very young – about how they feel about their sibling’s arrival and what they may worry about.</p><p>In adults, regression is used when our ego doesn’t have the emotional maturity to deal with our feelings regarding ourselves, others, or events. As you will see in the list below, when we regress, we have lost our ability to relate from an adult framework and can quickly become rather childlike.</p><p>Regressed behaviours include...</p><p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\">- Throwing objects<br />- Tantrums<br />- Shouting<br />- Hitting<br />- Crying<br />- Hugging or sleeping with soft toys<br />- Using a baby voice<br />- Whining or complaining<br />- Sulking<br />- Name calling<br />- Curling up in the foetal position<br />- Stonewalling/Refusing to speak<br />- Helplessness</p><p>Be honest with yourself, do you use any of these? We need to ask ourselves, how do we try to avoid and escape reality? It’s important to become aware of our use of regression, as identifying our behaviours is the first step to growing up emotionally and developing the capacity to tolerate upsetting or overwhelming feelings.</p><p>It’s not our fault we can’t face reality and use regression. Remember it’s all unconscious. We learnt these behaviours when we were young, and for many of us we didn’t outgrow them. They’ve been pre-programmed so when we feel overwhelmed or that our ego (our identity or sense of self) feels challenged we don’t know what else to do so we revert to being young again.</p><p>As adults when we regress, we may look for comfort in a stuffed animal like we did when we were a child or even eat comfort food from childhood. When we don’t get our own way, we may complain. When we are hurt, which masquerades as anger, we may name call or throw an object. This regressed behaviour can hurt the people closest to us, such as our partner and/or our children. They are exposed to us losing our adult selves. We may even be a bit frightening for them if we scream, tantrum, smack them, or lock ourselves in the bathroom. Unfortunately for all of us, in that moment we don’t have a more productive way of coping.</p><p>If regression is left unchecked it can cause longer-term problems, as emotional maturity is vital for healthy relationships.</p><p><em>Image source: Shuttertock (1265273911)</em></p>','Shouting, Crying, and Complaining – That’s Regression – An Ego Defence Mechanism','','publish','open','open','','regression-an-ego-defence-mechanism','','','2022-08-26 10:30:34','2022-08-26 10:30:34','',0,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5206',0,'post','',0),(5207,3,'2022-08-26 10:25:15','2022-08-26 10:25:15','','Profile,Side,View,Portrait,Of,Two,Nice,Attractive,Candid,People','','inherit','open','closed','','profilesideviewportraitoftwoniceattractivecandidpeople','','','2022-08-26 10:25:15','2022-08-26 10:25:15','',5206,'http://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/shutterstock_1265273911.jpg',0,'attachment','image/jpeg',0),(5208,3,'2022-08-26 10:25:24','2022-08-26 10:25:24','At the end of 2021 most of us were desperate for the Christmas break to come and offer some reprieve from the year we’d just had. Especially those of us in NSW and Victoria, we wanted a change of scenery or to have freedom to be in the world doing things we previously enjoyed.\r\n\r\nThere had been so much anxiety, overwhelm, and depression throughout the past 2 years dealing with the pandemic and the changes we needed to make. Many of us kept working straight through until the Christmas break. What was the point of taking time off work any earlier to sit in lockdown at home?\r\n\r\nFrom my end I was looking forward to spending time with my family and friends. We’d all missed the face-to-face contact with each other. Then as Omicron ripped across the state our gatherings, birthdays and Christmas plans were pared down or cancelled. Friends who were on holidays became sick. Some on their return were holed up with Covid. Being somewhere else this Christmas break wasn’t feeling as appealing anymore.\r\n\r\nWe received the news on Boxing Day that my younger daughter was a close Covid contact. She went into a week’s isolation to see if symptoms developed. I laid low at that time, as I knew that if she was infected then chances were that I’d also be. She was fine. That was my first week of holidays.\r\n\r\nAs we move through the first days of 2022 everything was closing down even more. So many of us were not going to restaurants, cafes, cinemas, family picnics, or being with friends for fear of exposure to Omicron. Even though we’re so used to this as we’ve been here before, we’re still disappointed. It’s feeling a lot like lockdown.\r\n\r\nI’d also been looking forward to going to a health retreat by myself for 5 days. I first booked this in June 2021, then as Delta swept in I moved it to October, and then rebooked for January. I’d worked hard this year as a therapist supporting my clients through variants, restrictions, and lockdowns. I’d worked hard on my online business helping partners reduce couple conflict and improve their communication, and I’d also worked tirelessly to write a book for my publisher in just 3 months. I was ready to kickstart 2022 with a healthy-tude and loads of physical activity.\r\n\r\nI was ready to read books by a pool, attend different classes in the retreat’s gym, do stretching and yoga classes, and to have time to myself. Secretly I was beyond excited at the thought of having 3 healthy meals per day prepared for me. This is because I’ve been completely over cooking for 8 months. Forget entertaining at home ever again – I’m over that too. I’ve been doing the entertaining gig for years, even decades, and it’s over – I’m cooked. So yes, I was disappointed to cancel this due to Omicron ripping around our state.\r\n\r\nThen on 3rd January my older daughter called to tell me she was positive to Covid. I’d enjoyed being with her the two days prior to this. Despite not officially meeting the criteria of a close contact we’d been together in my home (she lives out), in my car, playing with our dogs, and we’d greeted each other with hugs and kisses. Fortunately, she hasn’t been too unwell as she isolates on her own. As a parent it’s so hard to drop food and pharmacy meds off at the door and walk away.\r\n\r\nSo many of us now have Covid. Young and old, it’s not discriminating. Everyday I’m hearing of more people I know with it. I’m still laying pretty low and doing RAT tests in case I have it too. I don’t want anyone becoming sick from me. This is my second week of holidays. I’m disappointed as it’s nothing like I thought it would be.\r\n\r\nBut why should it be what I want it to be? The last 2 years has taught us not to become too attached to what we want and how we believe life should be.\r\n\r\nPrior to the pandemic, we were so fortunate that we could count on many things happening that we put in motion. We were not even aware how fortunate we were to be able to plan a few days away and count on getting there. We didn’t blink when we booked a restaurant knowing it wouldn’t need to be cancelled. We had no idea we couldn’t hug a parent who lives only one suburb away. We could rely on life being more or less what we wanted it to be.\r\n\r\nSo, it’s fine to be disappointed. You are and so am I. We’re all in a strange place where we either fear becoming sick, are already sick, or are waiting to see if we are sick. And we’re all sick of Covid. Yet we need to remember that we’re still in a pandemic. There will likely be more disappointment for all of us to come. However, what it does mean is that we will cherish the times ahead when we are able to hang out with our friends and families without the C-word, go on a trip as planned, dance in a club, or be in a restaurant with a free mind again. We will appreciate our everyday in a way we never really did before, and this will feel so joyful.\r\n\r\n<em>Image source: Shutterstock (1698309571)</em>','Shouting, Crying, and Complaining – That’s Regression – An Ego Defence Mechanism','','inherit','closed','closed','','5206-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 10:25:24','2022-08-26 10:25:24','',5206,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5208',0,'revision','',0),(5209,3,'2022-08-26 10:30:21','2022-08-26 10:30:21','At the end of 2021 most of us were desperate for the Christmas break to come and offer some reprieve from the year we’d just had. Especially those of us in NSW and Victoria, we wanted a change of scenery or to have freedom to be in the world doing things we previously enjoyed.\r\n\r\nThere had been so much anxiety, overwhelm, and depression throughout the past 2 years dealing with the pandemic and the changes we needed to make. Many of us kept working straight through until the Christmas break. What was the point of taking time off work any earlier to sit in lockdown at home?\r\n\r\nFrom my end I was looking forward to spending time with my family and friends. We’d all missed the face-to-face contact with each other. Then as Omicron ripped across the state our gatherings, birthdays and Christmas plans were pared down or cancelled. Friends who were on holidays became sick. Some on their return were holed up with Covid. Being somewhere else this Christmas break wasn’t feeling as appealing anymore.\r\n\r\nWe received the news on Boxing Day that my younger daughter was a close Covid contact. She went into a week’s isolation to see if symptoms developed. I laid low at that time, as I knew that if she was infected then chances were that I’d also be. She was fine. That was my first week of holidays.\r\n\r\nAs we move through the first days of 2022 everything was closing down even more. So many of us were not going to restaurants, cafes, cinemas, family picnics, or being with friends for fear of exposure to Omicron. Even though we’re so used to this as we’ve been here before, we’re still disappointed. It’s feeling a lot like lockdown.\r\n\r\nI’d also been looking forward to going to a health retreat by myself for 5 days. I first booked this in June 2021, then as Delta swept in I moved it to October, and then rebooked for January. I’d worked hard this year as a therapist supporting my clients through variants, restrictions, and lockdowns. I’d worked hard on my online business helping partners reduce couple conflict and improve their communication, and I’d also worked tirelessly to write a book for my publisher in just 3 months. I was ready to kickstart 2022 with a healthy-tude and loads of physical activity.\r\n\r\nI was ready to read books by a pool, attend different classes in the retreat’s gym, do stretching and yoga classes, and to have time to myself. Secretly I was beyond excited at the thought of having 3 healthy meals per day prepared for me. This is because I’ve been completely over cooking for 8 months. Forget entertaining at home ever again – I’m over that too. I’ve been doing the entertaining gig for years, even decades, and it’s over – I’m cooked. So yes, I was disappointed to cancel this due to Omicron ripping around our state.\r\n\r\nThen on 3rd January my older daughter called to tell me she was positive to Covid. I’d enjoyed being with her the two days prior to this. Despite not officially meeting the criteria of a close contact we’d been together in my home (she lives out), in my car, playing with our dogs, and we’d greeted each other with hugs and kisses. Fortunately, she hasn’t been too unwell as she isolates on her own. As a parent it’s so hard to drop food and pharmacy meds off at the door and walk away.\r\n\r\nSo many of us now have Covid. Young and old, it’s not discriminating. Everyday I’m hearing of more people I know with it. I’m still laying pretty low and doing RAT tests in case I have it too. I don’t want anyone becoming sick from me. This is my second week of holidays. I’m disappointed as it’s nothing like I thought it would be.\r\n\r\nBut why should it be what I want it to be? The last 2 years has taught us not to become too attached to what we want and how we believe life should be.\r\n\r\nPrior to the pandemic, we were so fortunate that we could count on many things happening that we put in motion. We were not even aware how fortunate we were to be able to plan a few days away and count on getting there. We didn’t blink when we booked a restaurant knowing it wouldn’t need to be cancelled. We had no idea we couldn’t hug a parent who lives only one suburb away. We could rely on life being more or less what we wanted it to be.\r\n\r\nSo, it’s fine to be disappointed. You are and so am I. We’re all in a strange place where we either fear becoming sick, are already sick, or are waiting to see if we are sick. And we’re all sick of Covid. Yet we need to remember that we’re still in a pandemic. There will likely be more disappointment for all of us to come. However, what it does mean is that we will cherish the times ahead when we are able to hang out with our friends and families without the C-word, go on a trip as planned, dance in a club, or be in a restaurant with a free mind again. We will appreciate our everyday in a way we never really did before, and this will feel so joyful.\r\n\r\n<em>Image source: Shutterstock (1698309571)</em>','Shouting, Crying, and Complaining – That’s Regression – An Ego Defence Mechanism','','inherit','closed','closed','','5206-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 10:30:21','2022-08-26 10:30:21','',5206,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5209',0,'revision','',0),(5210,3,'2022-08-26 10:30:22','2022-08-26 10:30:22','At the end of 2021 most of us were desperate for the Christmas break to come and offer some reprieve from the year we’d just had. Especially those of us in NSW and Victoria, we wanted a change of scenery or to have freedom to be in the world doing things we previously enjoyed.\r\n\r\nThere had been so much anxiety, overwhelm, and depression throughout the past 2 years dealing with the pandemic and the changes we needed to make. Many of us kept working straight through until the Christmas break. What was the point of taking time off work any earlier to sit in lockdown at home?\r\n\r\nFrom my end I was looking forward to spending time with my family and friends. We’d all missed the face-to-face contact with each other. Then as Omicron ripped across the state our gatherings, birthdays and Christmas plans were pared down or cancelled. Friends who were on holidays became sick. Some on their return were holed up with Covid. Being somewhere else this Christmas break wasn’t feeling as appealing anymore.\r\n\r\nWe received the news on Boxing Day that my younger daughter was a close Covid contact. She went into a week’s isolation to see if symptoms developed. I laid low at that time, as I knew that if she was infected then chances were that I’d also be. She was fine. That was my first week of holidays.\r\n\r\nAs we move through the first days of 2022 everything was closing down even more. So many of us were not going to restaurants, cafes, cinemas, family picnics, or being with friends for fear of exposure to Omicron. Even though we’re so used to this as we’ve been here before, we’re still disappointed. It’s feeling a lot like lockdown.\r\n\r\nI’d also been looking forward to going to a health retreat by myself for 5 days. I first booked this in June 2021, then as Delta swept in I moved it to October, and then rebooked for January. I’d worked hard this year as a therapist supporting my clients through variants, restrictions, and lockdowns. I’d worked hard on my online business helping partners reduce couple conflict and improve their communication, and I’d also worked tirelessly to write a book for my publisher in just 3 months. I was ready to kickstart 2022 with a healthy-tude and loads of physical activity.\r\n\r\nI was ready to read books by a pool, attend different classes in the retreat’s gym, do stretching and yoga classes, and to have time to myself. Secretly I was beyond excited at the thought of having 3 healthy meals per day prepared for me. This is because I’ve been completely over cooking for 8 months. Forget entertaining at home ever again – I’m over that too. I’ve been doing the entertaining gig for years, even decades, and it’s over – I’m cooked. So yes, I was disappointed to cancel this due to Omicron ripping around our state.\r\n\r\nThen on 3rd January my older daughter called to tell me she was positive to Covid. I’d enjoyed being with her the two days prior to this. Despite not officially meeting the criteria of a close contact we’d been together in my home (she lives out), in my car, playing with our dogs, and we’d greeted each other with hugs and kisses. Fortunately, she hasn’t been too unwell as she isolates on her own. As a parent it’s so hard to drop food and pharmacy meds off at the door and walk away.\r\n\r\nSo many of us now have Covid. Young and old, it’s not discriminating. Everyday I’m hearing of more people I know with it. I’m still laying pretty low and doing RAT tests in case I have it too. I don’t want anyone becoming sick from me. This is my second week of holidays. I’m disappointed as it’s nothing like I thought it would be.\r\n\r\nBut why should it be what I want it to be? The last 2 years has taught us not to become too attached to what we want and how we believe life should be.\r\n\r\nPrior to the pandemic, we were so fortunate that we could count on many things happening that we put in motion. We were not even aware how fortunate we were to be able to plan a few days away and count on getting there. We didn’t blink when we booked a restaurant knowing it wouldn’t need to be cancelled. We had no idea we couldn’t hug a parent who lives only one suburb away. We could rely on life being more or less what we wanted it to be.\r\n\r\nSo, it’s fine to be disappointed. You are and so am I. We’re all in a strange place where we either fear becoming sick, are already sick, or are waiting to see if we are sick. And we’re all sick of Covid. Yet we need to remember that we’re still in a pandemic. There will likely be more disappointment for all of us to come. However, what it does mean is that we will cherish the times ahead when we are able to hang out with our friends and families without the C-word, go on a trip as planned, dance in a club, or be in a restaurant with a free mind again. We will appreciate our everyday in a way we never really did before, and this will feel so joyful.\r\n\r\n<em>Image source: Shutterstock (1698309571)</em>','Shouting, Crying, and Complaining – That’s Regression – An Ego Defence Mechanism','','inherit','closed','closed','','5206-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 10:30:22','2022-08-26 10:30:22','',5206,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5210',0,'revision','',0),(5211,3,'2022-08-26 10:30:22','2022-08-26 10:30:22','<p>Our ego – the voice in our head that tells stories from first thing in the morning until late at night – is constantly attempting to create meaning to protect our identity and sense of self. We hear a moment-to-moment commentary about what’s happening inside of ourselves mentally and physically, and outside of ourselves with other people, situations, and environments. Our ego creates this.</p><p>Whenever our ego is operating, we are not dealing with facts. It’s always narrating our experience from our own subjective perspective. This is why we all have such different views of ourselves, situations, and other people.</p><p>As our ego is concerned with preserving our identity, when we feel it is being threatened, we have a range of tools to protect ourselves. These are called<strong> ego defence mechanisms</strong>. They emerge when we emotionally wobble as we haven’t yet learned to process or tolerate difficult experiences in another way. We use defence mechanisms without even being aware, as they are unconscious. There are quite a few, some of these include denial, projection, splitting, repression, rationalisation, and regression.</p><p>I want to share the common defence mechanism <strong>regression</strong>, so that you can be on the look out for it when you’re relating to yourself via your ego, your partner or anyone else.</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h3>What is Regression?</h3>		\n		<p>Regression is an unconscious ego defence mechanism used when we revert to the emotions or behaviour of an&nbsp;earlier developmental stage. What we’re doing is ‘escaping’ to the earlier stage as the situation we are in feels too much for us to tolerate. We’re avoiding the reality of the situation as we may feel overwhelmed, anxious, or upset.</p>\n<p>We can easily recognise regression when young children regress to earlier developmental stages. Sometimes this can feel quite alarming for parents. A common regressed behaviour is when a child becomes aware that their parents are going to have another child. They may show their excitement offering great relief to parents, yet that doesn’t mean it’s plain sailing for them emotionally.</p>\n<p>The child is often too young to verbalise how they may also feel upset or anxious about the changes that they never asked for, or they may fear they are no longer the special child to their parents, or not good enough to remain the last or an only child.</p>\n<p>These feelings may be seen through their regressed state where they revert to wetting the bed or having accidents when they’ve been nappy trained or insisting on being spoon fed like a baby. Regressed behaviour is completely normal. If you see regressed behaviours in your child, it’s a clue that they are struggling. Use it as an opportunity to talk with your child – even if they’re very young – about how they feel about their sibling’s arrival and what they may worry about.</p>\n<p>In adults, regression is used when our ego doesn’t have the emotional maturity to deal with our feelings regarding ourselves, others, or events. As you will see in the list below, when we regress, we have lost our ability to relate from an adult framework and can quickly become rather childlike.</p>\n<p>Regressed behaviours include...</p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\">- Throwing objects<br>- Tantrums<br>- Shouting<br>- Hitting<br>- Crying<br>- Hugging or sleeping with soft toys<br>- Using a baby voice<br>- Whining or complaining<br>- Sulking<br>- Name calling<br>- Curling up in the foetal position<br>- Stonewalling/Refusing to speak<br>- Helplessness</p>\n<p>Be honest with yourself, do you use any of these? We need to ask ourselves, how do we try to avoid and escape reality? It’s important to become aware of our use of regression, as identifying our behaviours is the first step to growing up emotionally and developing the capacity to tolerate upsetting or overwhelming feelings.</p>\n<p>It’s not our fault we can’t face reality and use regression. Remember it’s all unconscious. We learnt these behaviours when we were young, and for many of us we didn’t outgrow them. They’ve been pre-programmed so when we feel overwhelmed or that our ego (our identity or sense of self) feels challenged we don’t know what else to do so we revert to being young again.</p>\n<p>As adults when we regress, we may look for comfort in a stuffed animal like we did when we were a child or even eat comfort food from childhood. When we don’t get our own way, we may complain. When we are hurt, which masquerades as anger, we may name call or throw an object. This regressed behaviour can hurt the people closest to us, such as our partner and/or our children. They are exposed to us losing our adult selves. We may even be a bit frightening for them if we scream, tantrum, smack them, or lock ourselves in the bathroom. Unfortunately for all of us, in that moment we don’t have a more productive way of coping.</p>\n<p>If regression is left unchecked it can cause longer-term problems, as emotional maturity is vital for healthy relationships.</p>\n<p><em>Image source: Shuttertock (1265273911)</em></p>','Shouting, Crying, and Complaining – That’s Regression – An Ego Defence Mechanism','','inherit','closed','closed','','5206-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 10:30:22','2022-08-26 10:30:22','',5206,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5211',0,'revision','',0),(5212,3,'2022-08-26 10:30:34','2022-08-26 10:30:34','<p>Our ego – the voice in our head that tells stories from first thing in the morning until late at night – is constantly attempting to create meaning to protect our identity and sense of self. We hear a moment-to-moment commentary about what’s happening inside of ourselves mentally and physically, and outside of ourselves with other people, situations, and environments. Our ego creates this.</p><p>Whenever our ego is operating, we are not dealing with facts. It’s always narrating our experience from our own subjective perspective. This is why we all have such different views of ourselves, situations, and other people.</p><p>As our ego is concerned with preserving our identity, when we feel it is being threatened, we have a range of tools to protect ourselves. These are called<strong> ego defence mechanisms</strong>. They emerge when we emotionally wobble as we haven’t yet learned to process or tolerate difficult experiences in another way. We use defence mechanisms without even being aware, as they are unconscious. There are quite a few, some of these include denial, projection, splitting, repression, rationalisation, and regression.</p><p>I want to share the common defence mechanism <strong>regression</strong>, so that you can be on the look out for it when you’re relating to yourself via your ego, your partner or anyone else.</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h3>What is Regression?</h3>		\n		<p>Regression is an unconscious ego defence mechanism used when we revert to the emotions or behaviour of an&nbsp;earlier developmental stage. What we’re doing is ‘escaping’ to the earlier stage as the situation we are in feels too much for us to tolerate. We’re avoiding the reality of the situation as we may feel overwhelmed, anxious, or upset.</p>\n<p>We can easily recognise regression when young children regress to earlier developmental stages. Sometimes this can feel quite alarming for parents. A common regressed behaviour is when a child becomes aware that their parents are going to have another child. They may show their excitement offering great relief to parents, yet that doesn’t mean it’s plain sailing for them emotionally.</p>\n<p>The child is often too young to verbalise how they may also feel upset or anxious about the changes that they never asked for, or they may fear they are no longer the special child to their parents, or not good enough to remain the last or an only child.</p>\n<p>These feelings may be seen through their regressed state where they revert to wetting the bed or having accidents when they’ve been nappy trained or insisting on being spoon fed like a baby. Regressed behaviour is completely normal. If you see regressed behaviours in your child, it’s a clue that they are struggling. Use it as an opportunity to talk with your child – even if they’re very young – about how they feel about their sibling’s arrival and what they may worry about.</p>\n<p>In adults, regression is used when our ego doesn’t have the emotional maturity to deal with our feelings regarding ourselves, others, or events. As you will see in the list below, when we regress, we have lost our ability to relate from an adult framework and can quickly become rather childlike.</p>\n<p>Regressed behaviours include...</p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\">- Throwing objects<br>- Tantrums<br>- Shouting<br>- Hitting<br>- Crying<br>- Hugging or sleeping with soft toys<br>- Using a baby voice<br>- Whining or complaining<br>- Sulking<br>- Name calling<br>- Curling up in the foetal position<br>- Stonewalling/Refusing to speak<br>- Helplessness</p>\n<p>Be honest with yourself, do you use any of these? We need to ask ourselves, how do we try to avoid and escape reality? It’s important to become aware of our use of regression, as identifying our behaviours is the first step to growing up emotionally and developing the capacity to tolerate upsetting or overwhelming feelings.</p>\n<p>It’s not our fault we can’t face reality and use regression. Remember it’s all unconscious. We learnt these behaviours when we were young, and for many of us we didn’t outgrow them. They’ve been pre-programmed so when we feel overwhelmed or that our ego (our identity or sense of self) feels challenged we don’t know what else to do so we revert to being young again.</p>\n<p>As adults when we regress, we may look for comfort in a stuffed animal like we did when we were a child or even eat comfort food from childhood. When we don’t get our own way, we may complain. When we are hurt, which masquerades as anger, we may name call or throw an object. This regressed behaviour can hurt the people closest to us, such as our partner and/or our children. They are exposed to us losing our adult selves. We may even be a bit frightening for them if we scream, tantrum, smack them, or lock ourselves in the bathroom. Unfortunately for all of us, in that moment we don’t have a more productive way of coping.</p>\n<p>If regression is left unchecked it can cause longer-term problems, as emotional maturity is vital for healthy relationships.</p>\n<p><em>Image source: Shuttertock (1265273911)</em></p>','Shouting, Crying, and Complaining – That’s Regression – An Ego Defence Mechanism','','inherit','closed','closed','','5206-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 10:30:34','2022-08-26 10:30:34','',5206,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5212',0,'revision','',0),(5213,3,'2022-08-26 10:30:34','2022-08-26 10:30:34','<p>Our ego – the voice in our head that tells stories from first thing in the morning until late at night – is constantly attempting to create meaning to protect our identity and sense of self. We hear a moment-to-moment commentary about what’s happening inside of ourselves mentally and physically, and outside of ourselves with other people, situations, and environments. Our ego creates this.</p><p>Whenever our ego is operating, we are not dealing with facts. It’s always narrating our experience from our own subjective perspective. This is why we all have such different views of ourselves, situations, and other people.</p><p>As our ego is concerned with preserving our identity, when we feel it is being threatened, we have a range of tools to protect ourselves. These are called<strong> ego defence mechanisms</strong>. They emerge when we emotionally wobble as we haven’t yet learned to process or tolerate difficult experiences in another way. We use defence mechanisms without even being aware, as they are unconscious. There are quite a few, some of these include denial, projection, splitting, repression, rationalisation, and regression.</p><p>I want to share the common defence mechanism <strong>regression</strong>, so that you can be on the look out for it when you’re relating to yourself via your ego, your partner or anyone else.</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h3>What is Regression?</h3>		\n		<p>Regression is an unconscious ego defence mechanism used when we revert to the emotions or behaviour of an&nbsp;earlier developmental stage. What we’re doing is ‘escaping’ to the earlier stage as the situation we are in feels too much for us to tolerate. We’re avoiding the reality of the situation as we may feel overwhelmed, anxious, or upset.</p>\n<p>We can easily recognise regression when young children regress to earlier developmental stages. Sometimes this can feel quite alarming for parents. A common regressed behaviour is when a child becomes aware that their parents are going to have another child. They may show their excitement offering great relief to parents, yet that doesn’t mean it’s plain sailing for them emotionally.</p>\n<p>The child is often too young to verbalise how they may also feel upset or anxious about the changes that they never asked for, or they may fear they are no longer the special child to their parents, or not good enough to remain the last or an only child.</p>\n<p>These feelings may be seen through their regressed state where they revert to wetting the bed or having accidents when they’ve been nappy trained or insisting on being spoon fed like a baby. Regressed behaviour is completely normal. If you see regressed behaviours in your child, it’s a clue that they are struggling. Use it as an opportunity to talk with your child – even if they’re very young – about how they feel about their sibling’s arrival and what they may worry about.</p>\n<p>In adults, regression is used when our ego doesn’t have the emotional maturity to deal with our feelings regarding ourselves, others, or events. As you will see in the list below, when we regress, we have lost our ability to relate from an adult framework and can quickly become rather childlike.</p>\n<p>Regressed behaviours include...</p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\">- Throwing objects<br>- Tantrums<br>- Shouting<br>- Hitting<br>- Crying<br>- Hugging or sleeping with soft toys<br>- Using a baby voice<br>- Whining or complaining<br>- Sulking<br>- Name calling<br>- Curling up in the foetal position<br>- Stonewalling/Refusing to speak<br>- Helplessness</p>\n<p>Be honest with yourself, do you use any of these? We need to ask ourselves, how do we try to avoid and escape reality? It’s important to become aware of our use of regression, as identifying our behaviours is the first step to growing up emotionally and developing the capacity to tolerate upsetting or overwhelming feelings.</p>\n<p>It’s not our fault we can’t face reality and use regression. Remember it’s all unconscious. We learnt these behaviours when we were young, and for many of us we didn’t outgrow them. They’ve been pre-programmed so when we feel overwhelmed or that our ego (our identity or sense of self) feels challenged we don’t know what else to do so we revert to being young again.</p>\n<p>As adults when we regress, we may look for comfort in a stuffed animal like we did when we were a child or even eat comfort food from childhood. When we don’t get our own way, we may complain. When we are hurt, which masquerades as anger, we may name call or throw an object. This regressed behaviour can hurt the people closest to us, such as our partner and/or our children. They are exposed to us losing our adult selves. We may even be a bit frightening for them if we scream, tantrum, smack them, or lock ourselves in the bathroom. Unfortunately for all of us, in that moment we don’t have a more productive way of coping.</p>\n<p>If regression is left unchecked it can cause longer-term problems, as emotional maturity is vital for healthy relationships.</p>\n<p><em>Image source: Shuttertock (1265273911)</em></p>','Shouting, Crying, and Complaining – That’s Regression – An Ego Defence Mechanism','','inherit','closed','closed','','5206-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 10:30:34','2022-08-26 10:30:34','',5206,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5213',0,'revision','',0),(5214,3,'2022-08-26 10:30:34','2022-08-26 10:30:34','<p>Our ego – the voice in our head that tells stories from first thing in the morning until late at night – is constantly attempting to create meaning to protect our identity and sense of self. We hear a moment-to-moment commentary about what’s happening inside of ourselves mentally and physically, and outside of ourselves with other people, situations, and environments. Our ego creates this.</p><p>Whenever our ego is operating, we are not dealing with facts. It’s always narrating our experience from our own subjective perspective. This is why we all have such different views of ourselves, situations, and other people.</p><p>As our ego is concerned with preserving our identity, when we feel it is being threatened, we have a range of tools to protect ourselves. These are called<strong> ego defence mechanisms</strong>. They emerge when we emotionally wobble as we haven’t yet learned to process or tolerate difficult experiences in another way. We use defence mechanisms without even being aware, as they are unconscious. There are quite a few, some of these include denial, projection, splitting, repression, rationalisation, and regression.</p><p>I want to share the common defence mechanism <strong>regression</strong>, so that you can be on the look out for it when you’re relating to yourself via your ego, your partner or anyone else.</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h3>What is Regression?</h3>		\n		<p>Regression is an unconscious ego defence mechanism used when we revert to the emotions or behaviour of an earlier developmental stage. What we’re doing is ‘escaping’ to the earlier stage as the situation we are in feels too much for us to tolerate. We’re avoiding the reality of the situation as we may feel overwhelmed, anxious, or upset.</p><p>We can easily recognise regression when young children regress to earlier developmental stages. Sometimes this can feel quite alarming for parents. A common regressed behaviour is when a child becomes aware that their parents are going to have another child. They may show their excitement offering great relief to parents, yet that doesn’t mean it’s plain sailing for them emotionally.</p><p>The child is often too young to verbalise how they may also feel upset or anxious about the changes that they never asked for, or they may fear they are no longer the special child to their parents, or not good enough to remain the last or an only child.</p><p>These feelings may be seen through their regressed state where they revert to wetting the bed or having accidents when they’ve been nappy trained or insisting on being spoon-fed like a baby. Regressed behaviour is completely normal. If you see regressed behaviours in your child, it’s a clue that they are struggling. Use it as an opportunity to talk with your child – even if they’re very young – about how they feel about their sibling’s arrival and what they may worry about.</p><p>In adults, regression is used when our ego doesn’t have the emotional maturity to deal with our feelings regarding ourselves, others, or events. As you will see in the list below, when we regress, we have lost our ability to relate from an adult framework and can quickly become rather childlike.</p><p>Regressed behaviours include...</p><p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\">- Throwing objects<br />- Tantrums<br />- Shouting<br />- Hitting<br />- Crying<br />- Hugging or sleeping with soft toys<br />- Using a baby voice<br />- Whining or complaining<br />- Sulking<br />- Name calling<br />- Curling up in the foetal position<br />- Stonewalling/Refusing to speak<br />- Helplessness</p><p>Be honest with yourself, do you use any of these? We need to ask ourselves, how do we try to avoid and escape reality? It’s important to become aware of our use of regression, as identifying our behaviours is the first step to growing up emotionally and developing the capacity to tolerate upsetting or overwhelming feelings.</p><p>It’s not our fault we can’t face reality and use regression. Remember it’s all unconscious. We learnt these behaviours when we were young, and for many of us we didn’t outgrow them. They’ve been pre-programmed so when we feel overwhelmed or that our ego (our identity or sense of self) feels challenged we don’t know what else to do so we revert to being young again.</p><p>As adults when we regress, we may look for comfort in a stuffed animal like we did when we were a child or even eat comfort food from childhood. When we don’t get our own way, we may complain. When we are hurt, which masquerades as anger, we may name call or throw an object. This regressed behaviour can hurt the people closest to us, such as our partner and/or our children. They are exposed to us losing our adult selves. We may even be a bit frightening for them if we scream, tantrum, smack them, or lock ourselves in the bathroom. Unfortunately for all of us, in that moment we don’t have a more productive way of coping.</p><p>If regression is left unchecked it can cause longer-term problems, as emotional maturity is vital for healthy relationships.</p><p><em>Image source: Shuttertock (1265273911)</em></p>','Shouting, Crying, and Complaining – That’s Regression – An Ego Defence Mechanism','','inherit','closed','closed','','5206-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 10:30:34','2022-08-26 10:30:34','',5206,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5214',0,'revision','',0),(5215,3,'2022-01-28 10:31:13','2022-01-28 10:31:13','<p>We all know that New Year’s resolutions come and go as if they were written in the wind. It’s not that we don’t take them seriously when we create them. It’s just that changing our habits can be hard, despite our best intentions to follow through.</p><p>For the last few years, I haven’t made New Year’s resolutions. Historically I’ve found them really hard. They never stuck for very long – a few weeks at best – and I would end up feeling as if I’d failed. For me, setting resolutions on 1st January felt tokenistic. I now know that I hadn’t worked out a solid why for the resolutions, nor planned how I would achieve my goals.</p><p>These days I like to incorporate any changes that I want into my life as I need to or want to – irrespective of the month of the year. For example, in mid-April last year my older daughter convinced me to go to the gym and do weight training with her. She’d been super disciplined for over a year, transforming her little frame into a stronger and more Amazonian one. I admired her discipline and focus. At that time we were on holidays together, and I was fully aware she’d been seducing my ego with comments like “you’re strong mumma” or “you’ll take to it really well as you already train”.</p><p>I felt flattered despite both of us knowing how manipulative she was being. She kept dropping little hints about me getting a trainer and us weight training together on our return. She fed my ego spectacularly. I tentatively agreed to sign up to a gym. It took a little while to translate as another part of my ego – the sabotaging part – kicked in to prevent me going. My ego created stories of how busy I was, how I don’t like gyms, how I do enough already, how it’s expensive, and the best story of all was that I should start in 8 months’ time in the Christmas break.</p><p>As a species we don’t like pain and certainly struggle with self-induced pain, which going to the gym to do strength training is. My ego knew that a commitment like that would require my mind to be strong enough to stay the distance, that time would need to be set aside, as would some finances. My sabotaging ego was busy creating stories to keep me out of the gym.</p><p>It took me until the end of May to firm up my why. Quite simply, my why was that I wanted to become stronger, and sitting around making up more ego-based sabotaging stories was not going to help me achieve my goal. I set up the sessions and off I went. After 3 weeks I felt things were going really well. I felt pleased with myself honouring my commitment, feeling a little stronger already, and developing a rhythm in the training.</p><p>Then the Delta variant showed up in my local council. I was in Queensland and needed to make a late night, last-minute dash back over the NSW border, so I wasn’t forced into a 14-day quarantine with Annastacia. We were the first council declared a hotspot and a week later were in lockdown.</p><p>What surprised me was how relieved I was to stop my gym training. Wow that was quick! Wasn’t I proud of myself showing up for three weeks? How quickly that evaporated as I shot off a text to my trainer telling him that we would need to reconvene down the track. Phew!!! It was just wonderful to have such a legitimate excuse to not go. It wasn’t me bailing, or even worse, failing. It was the pandemic’s fault.</p><p>Within a few days though I felt the pull of my original why. I’d lose my gains that I’d started to make and would need to start all over again in the months ahead. How would I become strong mumma without the sessions? I knew I would never do it by myself. I contacted my trainer and we set up in the park near my home. We’ve been doing this ever since.</p><p>Does it get easier to go to my sessions? Not for me. My ego makes excuses nearly every session. It wants to sabotage me because it would rather do anything else than weight training. But I don’t let it. I show up because my why won’t be answered unless I go. What helps me turn up is by asking myself one question: What would my best self do? My resolve no longer blows away in the wind, as I hear myself say “It’s time to get ready now”.</p><p>When you’re faced with your sabotaging ego, just ask yourself:</p><p>What would my best self do?</p><p>How would my best self respond?</p><p>What action would my best self take?</p><p>This will make it very clear that the sabotaging ego isn’t working in the interests of your best self, but more like the Wizard of Oz creating drama and stories to hide behind because he doesn’t want to face his emotional pain.</p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (1772867801)</em></p>','What Would My Best Self Do?','','publish','open','open','','what-would-my-best-self-do','','','2022-08-26 10:33:16','2022-08-26 10:33:16','',0,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5215',0,'post','',0),(5216,3,'2022-08-26 10:32:21','2022-08-26 10:32:21','','Young,Beautiful,Chinese,Woman,Wearing,Casual,Sweater,Over,Isolated,White','','inherit','open','closed','','youngbeautifulchinesewomanwearingcasualsweateroverisolatedwhite','','','2022-08-26 10:32:21','2022-08-26 10:32:21','',5215,'http://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/shutterstock_1772867801.jpg',0,'attachment','image/jpeg',0),(5217,3,'2022-08-26 10:32:27','2022-08-26 10:32:27','Our ego – the voice in our head that tells stories from first thing in the morning until late at night – is constantly attempting to create meaning to protect our identity and sense of self. We hear a moment-to-moment commentary about what’s happening inside of ourselves mentally and physically, and outside of ourselves with other people, situations, and environments. Our ego creates this.\r\n\r\nWhenever our ego is operating, we are not dealing with facts. It’s always narrating our experience from our own subjective perspective. This is why we all have such different views of ourselves, situations, and other people.\r\n\r\nAs our ego is concerned with preserving our identity, when we feel it is being threatened, we have a range of tools to protect ourselves. These are called<strong> ego defence mechanisms</strong>. They emerge when we emotionally wobble as we haven’t yet learned to process or tolerate difficult experiences in another way. We use defence mechanisms without even being aware, as they are unconscious. There are quite a few, some of these include denial, projection, splitting, repression, rationalisation, and regression.\r\n\r\nI want to share the common defence mechanism <strong>regression</strong>, so that you can be on the look out for it when you’re relating to yourself via your ego, your partner or anyone else.\r\n\r\n<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */<br />\r\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style>\r\n<h3>What is Regression?</h3>\r\nRegression is an unconscious ego defence mechanism used when we revert to the emotions or behaviour of an earlier developmental stage. What we’re doing is ‘escaping’ to the earlier stage as the situation we are in feels too much for us to tolerate. We’re avoiding the reality of the situation as we may feel overwhelmed, anxious, or upset.\r\n\r\nWe can easily recognise regression when young children regress to earlier developmental stages. Sometimes this can feel quite alarming for parents. A common regressed behaviour is when a child becomes aware that their parents are going to have another child. They may show their excitement offering great relief to parents, yet that doesn’t mean it’s plain sailing for them emotionally.\r\n\r\nThe child is often too young to verbalise how they may also feel upset or anxious about the changes that they never asked for, or they may fear they are no longer the special child to their parents, or not good enough to remain the last or an only child.\r\n\r\nThese feelings may be seen through their regressed state where they revert to wetting the bed or having accidents when they’ve been nappy trained or insisting on being spoon-fed like a baby. Regressed behaviour is completely normal. If you see regressed behaviours in your child, it’s a clue that they are struggling. Use it as an opportunity to talk with your child – even if they’re very young – about how they feel about their sibling’s arrival and what they may worry about.\r\n\r\nIn adults, regression is used when our ego doesn’t have the emotional maturity to deal with our feelings regarding ourselves, others, or events. As you will see in the list below, when we regress, we have lost our ability to relate from an adult framework and can quickly become rather childlike.\r\n\r\nRegressed behaviours include...\r\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\">- Throwing objects\r\n- Tantrums\r\n- Shouting\r\n- Hitting\r\n- Crying\r\n- Hugging or sleeping with soft toys\r\n- Using a baby voice\r\n- Whining or complaining\r\n- Sulking\r\n- Name calling\r\n- Curling up in the foetal position\r\n- Stonewalling/Refusing to speak\r\n- Helplessness</p>\r\nBe honest with yourself, do you use any of these? We need to ask ourselves, how do we try to avoid and escape reality? It’s important to become aware of our use of regression, as identifying our behaviours is the first step to growing up emotionally and developing the capacity to tolerate upsetting or overwhelming feelings.\r\n\r\nIt’s not our fault we can’t face reality and use regression. Remember it’s all unconscious. We learnt these behaviours when we were young, and for many of us we didn’t outgrow them. They’ve been pre-programmed so when we feel overwhelmed or that our ego (our identity or sense of self) feels challenged we don’t know what else to do so we revert to being young again.\r\n\r\nAs adults when we regress, we may look for comfort in a stuffed animal like we did when we were a child or even eat comfort food from childhood. When we don’t get our own way, we may complain. When we are hurt, which masquerades as anger, we may name call or throw an object. This regressed behaviour can hurt the people closest to us, such as our partner and/or our children. They are exposed to us losing our adult selves. We may even be a bit frightening for them if we scream, tantrum, smack them, or lock ourselves in the bathroom. Unfortunately for all of us, in that moment we don’t have a more productive way of coping.\r\n\r\nIf regression is left unchecked it can cause longer-term problems, as emotional maturity is vital for healthy relationships.\r\n\r\n<em>Image source: Shuttertock (1265273911)</em>','What Would My Best Self Do?','','inherit','closed','closed','','5215-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 10:32:27','2022-08-26 10:32:27','',5215,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5217',0,'revision','',0),(5218,3,'2022-08-26 10:33:16','2022-08-26 10:33:16','Our ego – the voice in our head that tells stories from first thing in the morning until late at night – is constantly attempting to create meaning to protect our identity and sense of self. We hear a moment-to-moment commentary about what’s happening inside of ourselves mentally and physically, and outside of ourselves with other people, situations, and environments. Our ego creates this.\r\n\r\nWhenever our ego is operating, we are not dealing with facts. It’s always narrating our experience from our own subjective perspective. This is why we all have such different views of ourselves, situations, and other people.\r\n\r\nAs our ego is concerned with preserving our identity, when we feel it is being threatened, we have a range of tools to protect ourselves. These are called<strong> ego defence mechanisms</strong>. They emerge when we emotionally wobble as we haven’t yet learned to process or tolerate difficult experiences in another way. We use defence mechanisms without even being aware, as they are unconscious. There are quite a few, some of these include denial, projection, splitting, repression, rationalisation, and regression.\r\n\r\nI want to share the common defence mechanism <strong>regression</strong>, so that you can be on the look out for it when you’re relating to yourself via your ego, your partner or anyone else.\r\n\r\n<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */<br />\r\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style>\r\n<h3>What is Regression?</h3>\r\nRegression is an unconscious ego defence mechanism used when we revert to the emotions or behaviour of an earlier developmental stage. What we’re doing is ‘escaping’ to the earlier stage as the situation we are in feels too much for us to tolerate. We’re avoiding the reality of the situation as we may feel overwhelmed, anxious, or upset.\r\n\r\nWe can easily recognise regression when young children regress to earlier developmental stages. Sometimes this can feel quite alarming for parents. A common regressed behaviour is when a child becomes aware that their parents are going to have another child. They may show their excitement offering great relief to parents, yet that doesn’t mean it’s plain sailing for them emotionally.\r\n\r\nThe child is often too young to verbalise how they may also feel upset or anxious about the changes that they never asked for, or they may fear they are no longer the special child to their parents, or not good enough to remain the last or an only child.\r\n\r\nThese feelings may be seen through their regressed state where they revert to wetting the bed or having accidents when they’ve been nappy trained or insisting on being spoon-fed like a baby. Regressed behaviour is completely normal. If you see regressed behaviours in your child, it’s a clue that they are struggling. Use it as an opportunity to talk with your child – even if they’re very young – about how they feel about their sibling’s arrival and what they may worry about.\r\n\r\nIn adults, regression is used when our ego doesn’t have the emotional maturity to deal with our feelings regarding ourselves, others, or events. As you will see in the list below, when we regress, we have lost our ability to relate from an adult framework and can quickly become rather childlike.\r\n\r\nRegressed behaviours include...\r\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\">- Throwing objects\r\n- Tantrums\r\n- Shouting\r\n- Hitting\r\n- Crying\r\n- Hugging or sleeping with soft toys\r\n- Using a baby voice\r\n- Whining or complaining\r\n- Sulking\r\n- Name calling\r\n- Curling up in the foetal position\r\n- Stonewalling/Refusing to speak\r\n- Helplessness</p>\r\nBe honest with yourself, do you use any of these? We need to ask ourselves, how do we try to avoid and escape reality? It’s important to become aware of our use of regression, as identifying our behaviours is the first step to growing up emotionally and developing the capacity to tolerate upsetting or overwhelming feelings.\r\n\r\nIt’s not our fault we can’t face reality and use regression. Remember it’s all unconscious. We learnt these behaviours when we were young, and for many of us we didn’t outgrow them. They’ve been pre-programmed so when we feel overwhelmed or that our ego (our identity or sense of self) feels challenged we don’t know what else to do so we revert to being young again.\r\n\r\nAs adults when we regress, we may look for comfort in a stuffed animal like we did when we were a child or even eat comfort food from childhood. When we don’t get our own way, we may complain. When we are hurt, which masquerades as anger, we may name call or throw an object. This regressed behaviour can hurt the people closest to us, such as our partner and/or our children. They are exposed to us losing our adult selves. We may even be a bit frightening for them if we scream, tantrum, smack them, or lock ourselves in the bathroom. Unfortunately for all of us, in that moment we don’t have a more productive way of coping.\r\n\r\nIf regression is left unchecked it can cause longer-term problems, as emotional maturity is vital for healthy relationships.\r\n\r\n<em>Image source: Shuttertock (1265273911)</em>','What Would My Best Self Do?','','inherit','closed','closed','','5215-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 10:33:16','2022-08-26 10:33:16','',5215,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5218',0,'revision','',0),(5219,3,'2022-08-26 10:33:16','2022-08-26 10:33:16','Our ego – the voice in our head that tells stories from first thing in the morning until late at night – is constantly attempting to create meaning to protect our identity and sense of self. We hear a moment-to-moment commentary about what’s happening inside of ourselves mentally and physically, and outside of ourselves with other people, situations, and environments. Our ego creates this.\r\n\r\nWhenever our ego is operating, we are not dealing with facts. It’s always narrating our experience from our own subjective perspective. This is why we all have such different views of ourselves, situations, and other people.\r\n\r\nAs our ego is concerned with preserving our identity, when we feel it is being threatened, we have a range of tools to protect ourselves. These are called<strong> ego defence mechanisms</strong>. They emerge when we emotionally wobble as we haven’t yet learned to process or tolerate difficult experiences in another way. We use defence mechanisms without even being aware, as they are unconscious. There are quite a few, some of these include denial, projection, splitting, repression, rationalisation, and regression.\r\n\r\nI want to share the common defence mechanism <strong>regression</strong>, so that you can be on the look out for it when you’re relating to yourself via your ego, your partner or anyone else.\r\n\r\n<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */<br />\r\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style>\r\n<h3>What is Regression?</h3>\r\nRegression is an unconscious ego defence mechanism used when we revert to the emotions or behaviour of an earlier developmental stage. What we’re doing is ‘escaping’ to the earlier stage as the situation we are in feels too much for us to tolerate. We’re avoiding the reality of the situation as we may feel overwhelmed, anxious, or upset.\r\n\r\nWe can easily recognise regression when young children regress to earlier developmental stages. Sometimes this can feel quite alarming for parents. A common regressed behaviour is when a child becomes aware that their parents are going to have another child. They may show their excitement offering great relief to parents, yet that doesn’t mean it’s plain sailing for them emotionally.\r\n\r\nThe child is often too young to verbalise how they may also feel upset or anxious about the changes that they never asked for, or they may fear they are no longer the special child to their parents, or not good enough to remain the last or an only child.\r\n\r\nThese feelings may be seen through their regressed state where they revert to wetting the bed or having accidents when they’ve been nappy trained or insisting on being spoon-fed like a baby. Regressed behaviour is completely normal. If you see regressed behaviours in your child, it’s a clue that they are struggling. Use it as an opportunity to talk with your child – even if they’re very young – about how they feel about their sibling’s arrival and what they may worry about.\r\n\r\nIn adults, regression is used when our ego doesn’t have the emotional maturity to deal with our feelings regarding ourselves, others, or events. As you will see in the list below, when we regress, we have lost our ability to relate from an adult framework and can quickly become rather childlike.\r\n\r\nRegressed behaviours include...\r\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\">- Throwing objects\r\n- Tantrums\r\n- Shouting\r\n- Hitting\r\n- Crying\r\n- Hugging or sleeping with soft toys\r\n- Using a baby voice\r\n- Whining or complaining\r\n- Sulking\r\n- Name calling\r\n- Curling up in the foetal position\r\n- Stonewalling/Refusing to speak\r\n- Helplessness</p>\r\nBe honest with yourself, do you use any of these? We need to ask ourselves, how do we try to avoid and escape reality? It’s important to become aware of our use of regression, as identifying our behaviours is the first step to growing up emotionally and developing the capacity to tolerate upsetting or overwhelming feelings.\r\n\r\nIt’s not our fault we can’t face reality and use regression. Remember it’s all unconscious. We learnt these behaviours when we were young, and for many of us we didn’t outgrow them. They’ve been pre-programmed so when we feel overwhelmed or that our ego (our identity or sense of self) feels challenged we don’t know what else to do so we revert to being young again.\r\n\r\nAs adults when we regress, we may look for comfort in a stuffed animal like we did when we were a child or even eat comfort food from childhood. When we don’t get our own way, we may complain. When we are hurt, which masquerades as anger, we may name call or throw an object. This regressed behaviour can hurt the people closest to us, such as our partner and/or our children. They are exposed to us losing our adult selves. We may even be a bit frightening for them if we scream, tantrum, smack them, or lock ourselves in the bathroom. Unfortunately for all of us, in that moment we don’t have a more productive way of coping.\r\n\r\nIf regression is left unchecked it can cause longer-term problems, as emotional maturity is vital for healthy relationships.\r\n\r\n<em>Image source: Shuttertock (1265273911)</em>','What Would My Best Self Do?','','inherit','closed','closed','','5215-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 10:33:16','2022-08-26 10:33:16','',5215,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5219',0,'revision','',0),(5220,3,'2022-08-26 10:33:16','2022-08-26 10:33:16','<p>We all know that New Year’s resolutions come and go as if they were written in the wind. It’s not that we don’t take them seriously when we create them. It’s just that changing our habits can be hard, despite our best intentions to follow through.</p><p>For the last few years, I haven’t made New Year’s resolutions. Historically I’ve found them really hard. They never stuck for very long – a few weeks at best – and I would end up feeling as if I’d failed. For me, setting resolutions on 1st January felt tokenistic. I now know that I hadn’t worked out a solid why for the resolutions, nor planned how I would achieve my goals.</p><p>These days I like to incorporate any changes that I want into my life as I need to or want to – irrespective of the month of the year. For example, in mid-April last year my older daughter convinced me to go to the gym and do weight training with her. She’d been super disciplined for over a year, transforming her little frame into a stronger and more Amazonian one. I admired her discipline and focus. At that time we were on holidays together, and I was fully aware she’d been seducing my ego with comments like “you’re strong mumma” or “you’ll take to it really well as you already train”.</p><p>I felt flattered despite both of us knowing how manipulative she was being. She kept dropping little hints about me getting a trainer and us weight training together on our return. She fed my ego spectacularly. I tentatively agreed to sign up to a gym. It took a little while to translate as another part of my ego – the sabotaging part – kicked in to prevent me going. My ego created stories of how busy I was, how I don’t like gyms, how I do enough already, how it’s expensive, and the best story of all was that I should start in 8 months’ time in the Christmas break.</p><p>As a species we don’t like pain and certainly struggle with self-induced pain, which going to the gym to do strength training is. My ego knew that a commitment like that would require my mind to be strong enough to stay the distance, that time would need to be set aside, as would some finances. My sabotaging ego was busy creating stories to keep me out of the gym.</p><p>It took me until the end of May to firm up my why. Quite simply, my why was that I wanted to become stronger, and sitting around making up more ego-based sabotaging stories was not going to help me achieve my goal. I set up the sessions and off I went. After 3 weeks I felt things were going really well. I felt pleased with myself honouring my commitment, feeling a little stronger already, and developing a rhythm in the training.</p><p>Then the Delta variant showed up in my local council. I was in Queensland and needed to make a late night, last-minute dash back over the NSW border, so I wasn’t forced into a 14-day quarantine with Annastacia. We were the first council declared a hotspot and a week later were in lockdown.</p><p>What surprised me was how relieved I was to stop my gym training. Wow that was quick! Wasn’t I proud of myself showing up for three weeks? How quickly that evaporated as I shot off a text to my trainer telling him that we would need to reconvene down the track. Phew!!! It was just wonderful to have such a legitimate excuse to not go. It wasn’t me bailing, or even worse, failing. It was the pandemic’s fault.</p><p>Within a few days though I felt the pull of my original why. I’d lose my gains that I’d started to make and would need to start all over again in the months ahead. How would I become strong mumma without the sessions? I knew I would never do it by myself. I contacted my trainer and we set up in the park near my home. We’ve been doing this ever since.</p><p>Does it get easier to go to my sessions? Not for me. My ego makes excuses nearly every session. It wants to sabotage me because it would rather do anything else than weight training. But I don’t let it. I show up because my why won’t be answered unless I go. What helps me turn up is by asking myself one question: What would my best self do? My resolve no longer blows away in the wind, as I hear myself say “It’s time to get ready now”.</p><p>When you’re faced with your sabotaging ego, just ask yourself:</p><p>What would my best self do?</p><p>How would my best self respond?</p><p>What action would my best self take?</p><p>This will make it very clear that the sabotaging ego isn’t working in the interests of your best self, but more like the Wizard of Oz creating drama and stories to hide behind because he doesn’t want to face his emotional pain.</p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (1772867801)</em></p>','What Would My Best Self Do?','','inherit','closed','closed','','5215-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 10:33:16','2022-08-26 10:33:16','',5215,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5220',0,'revision','',0),(5221,3,'2022-02-01 10:36:01','2022-02-01 10:36:01','<p>We are such a complex species us humans. We have evolved these incredible mammalian brains that can categorise, analyse, and differentiate between objects, situations and abstract ideas. We create incredible tools, machines that fly, and artificial intelligence to be applied in every realm of life. We need to admire our ability to create and make the unimaginable a new reality.</p><p>Part of this highly evolved brain involves our ability to judge things and discriminate between options. This means holding onto some ideas as worthwhile, discerning whether opinions hold enough weight for us to take them seriously, determining whether certain substances or foods are good for our body or not. We make judgements about politician, bosses, or our work environment. We judge the weather as good or bad, the restaurant vibe, or the present we received for Christmas as suitable – or not.</p><p>If we put a microphone in our mind to really listen to our judgements, we would all hear that we make thousands of them every single day. We start the morning judging whether we slept well last night. We may have a shower and have judgements about whether we look good or not, whether we like how our clothes fit that day, and we may even judge our behaviour with food or exercise over the last little while.</p><p>Our judgements come from the voice in our head. This voice is always there, always chiming in with some very important judgement of the moment. This is the ego. It’s always questioning and judging. Am I enjoying this moment? Am I unhappy with what my friend said to me last week? I am feeling so good! I don’t like the food in the fridge – it’s boring. This was the best day of my life! The judgements are either good or bad, positive or negative.</p><p>Our ego judges our friend’s choice to move away from the city, or their new partner as dull, or we judge whether we are earning enough money. We judge to make ourselves feel better or we judge to make ourselves feel worse. We can be especially judgemental of ourselves. I see this with my clients, and I call it the whip. I used to have a whip. I did the work to get away from that one.</p><p>It’s the whip others would never believe you have, where you give yourself some lashings. So many people don’t even know that they are judging themselves harshly. Their whip has been operating for so long, without their awareness. I never even knew I had a choice to put the whip down. Once I knew I could it was a game changer. I’d literally catch myself being self-critical and visualise gently placing the whip down.</p><p>The other form of judgement is reserved for others. We can judge others so swiftly without even knowing we don’t need to do this. We have no idea how judging others is actually a reflection of our own mind. These judgements hurt us more than they hurt anyone else. We can be critical of other’s ideas, values, behaviour, opinions, or work. We can be harsh on their body shape and size. We can negatively judge their parenting. We can be mean about their children.</p><p>There is no end to the topics we can judge about others and how they live their lives. Why do we do this? We do this because our fragile ego wants a little ego boost. So we tear others down a notch – in our own mind. We want to feel a bit better about our own lives, so we create a story about someone else’s inadequacies or failings in any particular area. This means we don’t need to be in contact with our own weakness or vulnerabilities. We project these onto someone else and pretend to ourselves we are momentarily superior. But deep down we know we’re not.</p><p>Sometimes we take it even further where it’s not just judgement in our own mind. We join up with others and gossip. Deep down we feel when we’ve been too severe or disloyal or unkind, and we’d hate someone to speak about us like that. That’s what the ego does – it likes to take others down, implying that we’re not like that. We’re ok and in the right place in our own lives.</p><p>But why would our ego do this? It’s afraid. It’s trying to keep us and those around us in a neat box to feel safe. Gossiping (or being judgemental) attempts to shape our social or work sphere to keep ourselves and others in line. We – the gossipers – are momentarily in the ‘in crowd’, and someone else is on the outer.</p><p>We all need to look at how our ego operates so that we don’t fall into the trap of taking it too seriously. It’s trying to keep us safe, nudging us towards life in a protected box. The more we understand our ego, the more we free ourselves of the continuous commentary and judgements of ourselves and others that occur moment to moment. And in its place is greater peace and quiet in our own minds.</p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (1282520281)</em></p>','So Much Judgement – But Why?','','publish','open','open','','so-much-judgement-but-why','','','2022-08-26 10:38:18','2022-08-26 10:38:18','',0,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5221',0,'post','',0),(5222,3,'2022-08-26 10:34:59','2022-08-26 10:34:59','','Upset,Abused,African,Wife,Tired,Of,Fighting,Ignoring,Controlling,Despot','','inherit','open','closed','','upsetabusedafricanwifetiredoffightingignoringcontrollingdespot','','','2022-08-26 10:34:59','2022-08-26 10:34:59','',5221,'http://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/shutterstock_1282520281.jpg',0,'attachment','image/jpeg',0),(5223,3,'2022-08-26 10:37:23','2022-08-26 10:37:23','We all know that New Year’s resolutions come and go as if they were written in the wind. It’s not that we don’t take them seriously when we create them. It’s just that changing our habits can be hard, despite our best intentions to follow through.\r\n\r\nFor the last few years, I haven’t made New Year’s resolutions. Historically I’ve found them really hard. They never stuck for very long – a few weeks at best – and I would end up feeling as if I’d failed. For me, setting resolutions on 1st January felt tokenistic. I now know that I hadn’t worked out a solid why for the resolutions, nor planned how I would achieve my goals.\r\n\r\nThese days I like to incorporate any changes that I want into my life as I need to or want to – irrespective of the month of the year. For example, in mid-April last year my older daughter convinced me to go to the gym and do weight training with her. She’d been super disciplined for over a year, transforming her little frame into a stronger and more Amazonian one. I admired her discipline and focus. At that time we were on holidays together, and I was fully aware she’d been seducing my ego with comments like “you’re strong mumma” or “you’ll take to it really well as you already train”.\r\n\r\nI felt flattered despite both of us knowing how manipulative she was being. She kept dropping little hints about me getting a trainer and us weight training together on our return. She fed my ego spectacularly. I tentatively agreed to sign up to a gym. It took a little while to translate as another part of my ego – the sabotaging part – kicked in to prevent me going. My ego created stories of how busy I was, how I don’t like gyms, how I do enough already, how it’s expensive, and the best story of all was that I should start in 8 months’ time in the Christmas break.\r\n\r\nAs a species we don’t like pain and certainly struggle with self-induced pain, which going to the gym to do strength training is. My ego knew that a commitment like that would require my mind to be strong enough to stay the distance, that time would need to be set aside, as would some finances. My sabotaging ego was busy creating stories to keep me out of the gym.\r\n\r\nIt took me until the end of May to firm up my why. Quite simply, my why was that I wanted to become stronger, and sitting around making up more ego-based sabotaging stories was not going to help me achieve my goal. I set up the sessions and off I went. After 3 weeks I felt things were going really well. I felt pleased with myself honouring my commitment, feeling a little stronger already, and developing a rhythm in the training.\r\n\r\nThen the Delta variant showed up in my local council. I was in Queensland and needed to make a late night, last-minute dash back over the NSW border, so I wasn’t forced into a 14-day quarantine with Annastacia. We were the first council declared a hotspot and a week later were in lockdown.\r\n\r\nWhat surprised me was how relieved I was to stop my gym training. Wow that was quick! Wasn’t I proud of myself showing up for three weeks? How quickly that evaporated as I shot off a text to my trainer telling him that we would need to reconvene down the track. Phew!!! It was just wonderful to have such a legitimate excuse to not go. It wasn’t me bailing, or even worse, failing. It was the pandemic’s fault.\r\n\r\nWithin a few days though I felt the pull of my original why. I’d lose my gains that I’d started to make and would need to start all over again in the months ahead. How would I become strong mumma without the sessions? I knew I would never do it by myself. I contacted my trainer and we set up in the park near my home. We’ve been doing this ever since.\r\n\r\nDoes it get easier to go to my sessions? Not for me. My ego makes excuses nearly every session. It wants to sabotage me because it would rather do anything else than weight training. But I don’t let it. I show up because my why won’t be answered unless I go. What helps me turn up is by asking myself one question: What would my best self do? My resolve no longer blows away in the wind, as I hear myself say “It’s time to get ready now”.\r\n\r\nWhen you’re faced with your sabotaging ego, just ask yourself:\r\n\r\nWhat would my best self do?\r\n\r\nHow would my best self respond?\r\n\r\nWhat action would my best self take?\r\n\r\nThis will make it very clear that the sabotaging ego isn’t working in the interests of your best self, but more like the Wizard of Oz creating drama and stories to hide behind because he doesn’t want to face his emotional pain.\r\n\r\n<em>Image source: Shutterstock (1772867801)</em>','So Much Judgement – But Why?','','inherit','closed','closed','','5221-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 10:37:23','2022-08-26 10:37:23','',5221,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5223',0,'revision','',0),(5224,3,'2022-08-26 10:38:18','2022-08-26 10:38:18','We all know that New Year’s resolutions come and go as if they were written in the wind. It’s not that we don’t take them seriously when we create them. It’s just that changing our habits can be hard, despite our best intentions to follow through.\r\n\r\nFor the last few years, I haven’t made New Year’s resolutions. Historically I’ve found them really hard. They never stuck for very long – a few weeks at best – and I would end up feeling as if I’d failed. For me, setting resolutions on 1st January felt tokenistic. I now know that I hadn’t worked out a solid why for the resolutions, nor planned how I would achieve my goals.\r\n\r\nThese days I like to incorporate any changes that I want into my life as I need to or want to – irrespective of the month of the year. For example, in mid-April last year my older daughter convinced me to go to the gym and do weight training with her. She’d been super disciplined for over a year, transforming her little frame into a stronger and more Amazonian one. I admired her discipline and focus. At that time we were on holidays together, and I was fully aware she’d been seducing my ego with comments like “you’re strong mumma” or “you’ll take to it really well as you already train”.\r\n\r\nI felt flattered despite both of us knowing how manipulative she was being. She kept dropping little hints about me getting a trainer and us weight training together on our return. She fed my ego spectacularly. I tentatively agreed to sign up to a gym. It took a little while to translate as another part of my ego – the sabotaging part – kicked in to prevent me going. My ego created stories of how busy I was, how I don’t like gyms, how I do enough already, how it’s expensive, and the best story of all was that I should start in 8 months’ time in the Christmas break.\r\n\r\nAs a species we don’t like pain and certainly struggle with self-induced pain, which going to the gym to do strength training is. My ego knew that a commitment like that would require my mind to be strong enough to stay the distance, that time would need to be set aside, as would some finances. My sabotaging ego was busy creating stories to keep me out of the gym.\r\n\r\nIt took me until the end of May to firm up my why. Quite simply, my why was that I wanted to become stronger, and sitting around making up more ego-based sabotaging stories was not going to help me achieve my goal. I set up the sessions and off I went. After 3 weeks I felt things were going really well. I felt pleased with myself honouring my commitment, feeling a little stronger already, and developing a rhythm in the training.\r\n\r\nThen the Delta variant showed up in my local council. I was in Queensland and needed to make a late night, last-minute dash back over the NSW border, so I wasn’t forced into a 14-day quarantine with Annastacia. We were the first council declared a hotspot and a week later were in lockdown.\r\n\r\nWhat surprised me was how relieved I was to stop my gym training. Wow that was quick! Wasn’t I proud of myself showing up for three weeks? How quickly that evaporated as I shot off a text to my trainer telling him that we would need to reconvene down the track. Phew!!! It was just wonderful to have such a legitimate excuse to not go. It wasn’t me bailing, or even worse, failing. It was the pandemic’s fault.\r\n\r\nWithin a few days though I felt the pull of my original why. I’d lose my gains that I’d started to make and would need to start all over again in the months ahead. How would I become strong mumma without the sessions? I knew I would never do it by myself. I contacted my trainer and we set up in the park near my home. We’ve been doing this ever since.\r\n\r\nDoes it get easier to go to my sessions? Not for me. My ego makes excuses nearly every session. It wants to sabotage me because it would rather do anything else than weight training. But I don’t let it. I show up because my why won’t be answered unless I go. What helps me turn up is by asking myself one question: What would my best self do? My resolve no longer blows away in the wind, as I hear myself say “It’s time to get ready now”.\r\n\r\nWhen you’re faced with your sabotaging ego, just ask yourself:\r\n\r\nWhat would my best self do?\r\n\r\nHow would my best self respond?\r\n\r\nWhat action would my best self take?\r\n\r\nThis will make it very clear that the sabotaging ego isn’t working in the interests of your best self, but more like the Wizard of Oz creating drama and stories to hide behind because he doesn’t want to face his emotional pain.\r\n\r\n<em>Image source: Shutterstock (1772867801)</em>','So Much Judgement – But Why?','','inherit','closed','closed','','5221-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 10:38:18','2022-08-26 10:38:18','',5221,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5224',0,'revision','',0),(5225,3,'2022-08-26 10:38:18','2022-08-26 10:38:18','We all know that New Year’s resolutions come and go as if they were written in the wind. It’s not that we don’t take them seriously when we create them. It’s just that changing our habits can be hard, despite our best intentions to follow through.\r\n\r\nFor the last few years, I haven’t made New Year’s resolutions. Historically I’ve found them really hard. They never stuck for very long – a few weeks at best – and I would end up feeling as if I’d failed. For me, setting resolutions on 1st January felt tokenistic. I now know that I hadn’t worked out a solid why for the resolutions, nor planned how I would achieve my goals.\r\n\r\nThese days I like to incorporate any changes that I want into my life as I need to or want to – irrespective of the month of the year. For example, in mid-April last year my older daughter convinced me to go to the gym and do weight training with her. She’d been super disciplined for over a year, transforming her little frame into a stronger and more Amazonian one. I admired her discipline and focus. At that time we were on holidays together, and I was fully aware she’d been seducing my ego with comments like “you’re strong mumma” or “you’ll take to it really well as you already train”.\r\n\r\nI felt flattered despite both of us knowing how manipulative she was being. She kept dropping little hints about me getting a trainer and us weight training together on our return. She fed my ego spectacularly. I tentatively agreed to sign up to a gym. It took a little while to translate as another part of my ego – the sabotaging part – kicked in to prevent me going. My ego created stories of how busy I was, how I don’t like gyms, how I do enough already, how it’s expensive, and the best story of all was that I should start in 8 months’ time in the Christmas break.\r\n\r\nAs a species we don’t like pain and certainly struggle with self-induced pain, which going to the gym to do strength training is. My ego knew that a commitment like that would require my mind to be strong enough to stay the distance, that time would need to be set aside, as would some finances. My sabotaging ego was busy creating stories to keep me out of the gym.\r\n\r\nIt took me until the end of May to firm up my why. Quite simply, my why was that I wanted to become stronger, and sitting around making up more ego-based sabotaging stories was not going to help me achieve my goal. I set up the sessions and off I went. After 3 weeks I felt things were going really well. I felt pleased with myself honouring my commitment, feeling a little stronger already, and developing a rhythm in the training.\r\n\r\nThen the Delta variant showed up in my local council. I was in Queensland and needed to make a late night, last-minute dash back over the NSW border, so I wasn’t forced into a 14-day quarantine with Annastacia. We were the first council declared a hotspot and a week later were in lockdown.\r\n\r\nWhat surprised me was how relieved I was to stop my gym training. Wow that was quick! Wasn’t I proud of myself showing up for three weeks? How quickly that evaporated as I shot off a text to my trainer telling him that we would need to reconvene down the track. Phew!!! It was just wonderful to have such a legitimate excuse to not go. It wasn’t me bailing, or even worse, failing. It was the pandemic’s fault.\r\n\r\nWithin a few days though I felt the pull of my original why. I’d lose my gains that I’d started to make and would need to start all over again in the months ahead. How would I become strong mumma without the sessions? I knew I would never do it by myself. I contacted my trainer and we set up in the park near my home. We’ve been doing this ever since.\r\n\r\nDoes it get easier to go to my sessions? Not for me. My ego makes excuses nearly every session. It wants to sabotage me because it would rather do anything else than weight training. But I don’t let it. I show up because my why won’t be answered unless I go. What helps me turn up is by asking myself one question: What would my best self do? My resolve no longer blows away in the wind, as I hear myself say “It’s time to get ready now”.\r\n\r\nWhen you’re faced with your sabotaging ego, just ask yourself:\r\n\r\nWhat would my best self do?\r\n\r\nHow would my best self respond?\r\n\r\nWhat action would my best self take?\r\n\r\nThis will make it very clear that the sabotaging ego isn’t working in the interests of your best self, but more like the Wizard of Oz creating drama and stories to hide behind because he doesn’t want to face his emotional pain.\r\n\r\n<em>Image source: Shutterstock (1772867801)</em>','So Much Judgement – But Why?','','inherit','closed','closed','','5221-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 10:38:18','2022-08-26 10:38:18','',5221,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5225',0,'revision','',0),(5226,3,'2022-08-26 10:38:18','2022-08-26 10:38:18','<p>We are such a complex species us humans. We have evolved these incredible mammalian brains that can categorise, analyse, and differentiate between objects, situations and abstract ideas. We create incredible tools, machines that fly, and artificial intelligence to be applied in every realm of life. We need to admire our ability to create and make the unimaginable a new reality.</p><p>Part of this highly evolved brain involves our ability to judge things and discriminate between options. This means holding onto some ideas as worthwhile, discerning whether opinions hold enough weight for us to take them seriously, determining whether certain substances or foods are good for our body or not. We make judgements about politician, bosses, or our work environment. We judge the weather as good or bad, the restaurant vibe, or the present we received for Christmas as suitable – or not.</p><p>If we put a microphone in our mind to really listen to our judgements, we would all hear that we make thousands of them every single day. We start the morning judging whether we slept well last night. We may have a shower and have judgements about whether we look good or not, whether we like how our clothes fit that day, and we may even judge our behaviour with food or exercise over the last little while.</p><p>Our judgements come from the voice in our head. This voice is always there, always chiming in with some very important judgement of the moment. This is the ego. It’s always questioning and judging. Am I enjoying this moment? Am I unhappy with what my friend said to me last week? I am feeling so good! I don’t like the food in the fridge – it’s boring. This was the best day of my life! The judgements are either good or bad, positive or negative.</p><p>Our ego judges our friend’s choice to move away from the city, or their new partner as dull, or we judge whether we are earning enough money. We judge to make ourselves feel better or we judge to make ourselves feel worse. We can be especially judgemental of ourselves. I see this with my clients, and I call it the whip. I used to have a whip. I did the work to get away from that one.</p><p>It’s the whip others would never believe you have, where you give yourself some lashings. So many people don’t even know that they are judging themselves harshly. Their whip has been operating for so long, without their awareness. I never even knew I had a choice to put the whip down. Once I knew I could it was a game changer. I’d literally catch myself being self-critical and visualise gently placing the whip down.</p><p>The other form of judgement is reserved for others. We can judge others so swiftly without even knowing we don’t need to do this. We have no idea how judging others is actually a reflection of our own mind. These judgements hurt us more than they hurt anyone else. We can be critical of other’s ideas, values, behaviour, opinions, or work. We can be harsh on their body shape and size. We can negatively judge their parenting. We can be mean about their children.</p><p>There is no end to the topics we can judge about others and how they live their lives. Why do we do this? We do this because our fragile ego wants a little ego boost. So we tear others down a notch – in our own mind. We want to feel a bit better about our own lives, so we create a story about someone else’s inadequacies or failings in any particular area. This means we don’t need to be in contact with our own weakness or vulnerabilities. We project these onto someone else and pretend to ourselves we are momentarily superior. But deep down we know we’re not.</p><p>Sometimes we take it even further where it’s not just judgement in our own mind. We join up with others and gossip. Deep down we feel when we’ve been too severe or disloyal or unkind, and we’d hate someone to speak about us like that. That’s what the ego does – it likes to take others down, implying that we’re not like that. We’re ok and in the right place in our own lives.</p><p>But why would our ego do this? It’s afraid. It’s trying to keep us and those around us in a neat box to feel safe. Gossiping (or being judgemental) attempts to shape our social or work sphere to keep ourselves and others in line. We – the gossipers – are momentarily in the ‘in crowd’, and someone else is on the outer.</p><p>We all need to look at how our ego operates so that we don’t fall into the trap of taking it too seriously. It’s trying to keep us safe, nudging us towards life in a protected box. The more we understand our ego, the more we free ourselves of the continuous commentary and judgements of ourselves and others that occur moment to moment. And in its place is greater peace and quiet in our own minds.</p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (1282520281)</em></p>','So Much Judgement – But Why?','','inherit','closed','closed','','5221-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 10:38:18','2022-08-26 10:38:18','',5221,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5226',0,'revision','',0),(5227,3,'2022-02-04 10:38:50','2022-02-04 10:38:50','<p>Do you ever wonder why you view yourself, your partner, your interactions, or your relationship the way you do? Why do other people have different viewpoints of relationships from ours? Most importantly, why is our partner so different from us? This is the relationship that we feel the differences so acutely. Both partners do as we navigate them daily, yearly, and even across decades.</p><p> </p><p>Sometimes we can deal with our differences kindly. Sometimes respectfully. And sometimes these differences scare the pants off us, and we can’t believe we are dealing with someone who thinks or behaves in that way. We can completely blindside or shock each other because our behaviour or our perspectives feel too far apart.</p><p>Wouldn’t life be so much easier if our partner shared similar perspectives and opinions on relationships to us? Wouldn’t it be easier if we both behaved exactly the same way according to a shared relational template? Or even better, if our partner behaved entirely in accordance with our relational template.</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h2>What Is A Relational Template?</h2>		\n		<p>We all have our own unique relational template that was created in childhood through our interactions with parents or caregivers. Through our thousands and thousands of interactions with them, our ideas and expectations of relationships were shaped. This includes our beliefs and values, expectations of ourselves and our partner, what needs a firm boundary and what doesn’t matter to us. In our template we hold expectations of how our partner should communicate and behave in our committed relationship.</p><p>Our relational template holds information about relationships that was encoded decades ago. Essentially this was encoded through the thousands of small interactions we had with parents. Some of these were enjoyable. Others were about them showing up or holding us when we needed it. We may also have encoded their absences or missing them too much or feeling we couldn’t get their attention sufficiently to feel secure. We’ve encoded our parents’ rules and expectations, and their relational reactions and behaviour. We’ve encoded whether they apologised when they frightened us or were too stern helping us feel safer with them again, or when they didn’t.</p><p>These experiences are encoded in the template in our mind and body. Some of the contents of the template we know about consciously and can speak about. For example, “It’s important to kiss goodbye to each other when we leave the house” or “It’s important to support each other when we are hurt or sad, and this was because my dad put band-aids on my knees when I’d fall over and kiss them better.” Other parts are held unconsciously, where we have no awareness of them at all.</p><p>It’s easy to know how we think consciously about relationships and our expectations or rules we want to live by. However, if you want to have access to what’s held unconsciously in your relational template reflect on how you react when your partner treats you in a way that causes you to panic, feel upset, betrayed, or unsafe. Do you respond calmly “Please don’t talk to me with that tone” or are you triggered into fight or flight mode? Do you lose it or attack back or do you get away from them as if they are a danger to you?</p><p>Our past relationships with our parents or caregivers will always be different from our partner. We will have encoded different relational information. Neither of us has the ‘right template’, and neither has the ‘wrong template’. Some templates are healthier than others though.</p><p>We may share some beliefs, values or expectations with our partner, however our templates will never fully align. Some of these differences are ok for us. And some won’t be, and this will cause us to fight. What’s critical for all couples is how healthily or unhealthily they navigate the many differences between their relational templates.</p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (1655125261)</em></p>','Where Do Our Expectations And Beliefs About Relationships Come From?','','publish','open','open','','where-do-our-expectations-and-beliefs-about-relationships-come-from','','','2022-08-26 10:43:52','2022-08-26 10:43:52','',0,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5227',0,'post','',0),(5228,3,'2022-08-26 10:41:01','2022-08-26 10:41:01','','Reality,Vs,Expectation.,White,Two,Street,Signs,With,Arrow,On','','inherit','open','closed','','realityvsexpectation-whitetwostreetsignswitharrowon','','','2022-08-26 10:41:01','2022-08-26 10:41:01','',5227,'http://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/shutterstock_1655125261.jpg',0,'attachment','image/jpeg',0),(5229,3,'2022-08-26 10:41:12','2022-08-26 10:41:12','We are such a complex species us humans. We have evolved these incredible mammalian brains that can categorise, analyse, and differentiate between objects, situations and abstract ideas. We create incredible tools, machines that fly, and artificial intelligence to be applied in every realm of life. We need to admire our ability to create and make the unimaginable a new reality.\r\n\r\nPart of this highly evolved brain involves our ability to judge things and discriminate between options. This means holding onto some ideas as worthwhile, discerning whether opinions hold enough weight for us to take them seriously, determining whether certain substances or foods are good for our body or not. We make judgements about politician, bosses, or our work environment. We judge the weather as good or bad, the restaurant vibe, or the present we received for Christmas as suitable – or not.\r\n\r\nIf we put a microphone in our mind to really listen to our judgements, we would all hear that we make thousands of them every single day. We start the morning judging whether we slept well last night. We may have a shower and have judgements about whether we look good or not, whether we like how our clothes fit that day, and we may even judge our behaviour with food or exercise over the last little while.\r\n\r\nOur judgements come from the voice in our head. This voice is always there, always chiming in with some very important judgement of the moment. This is the ego. It’s always questioning and judging. Am I enjoying this moment? Am I unhappy with what my friend said to me last week? I am feeling so good! I don’t like the food in the fridge – it’s boring. This was the best day of my life! The judgements are either good or bad, positive or negative.\r\n\r\nOur ego judges our friend’s choice to move away from the city, or their new partner as dull, or we judge whether we are earning enough money. We judge to make ourselves feel better or we judge to make ourselves feel worse. We can be especially judgemental of ourselves. I see this with my clients, and I call it the whip. I used to have a whip. I did the work to get away from that one.\r\n\r\nIt’s the whip others would never believe you have, where you give yourself some lashings. So many people don’t even know that they are judging themselves harshly. Their whip has been operating for so long, without their awareness. I never even knew I had a choice to put the whip down. Once I knew I could it was a game changer. I’d literally catch myself being self-critical and visualise gently placing the whip down.\r\n\r\nThe other form of judgement is reserved for others. We can judge others so swiftly without even knowing we don’t need to do this. We have no idea how judging others is actually a reflection of our own mind. These judgements hurt us more than they hurt anyone else. We can be critical of other’s ideas, values, behaviour, opinions, or work. We can be harsh on their body shape and size. We can negatively judge their parenting. We can be mean about their children.\r\n\r\nThere is no end to the topics we can judge about others and how they live their lives. Why do we do this? We do this because our fragile ego wants a little ego boost. So we tear others down a notch – in our own mind. We want to feel a bit better about our own lives, so we create a story about someone else’s inadequacies or failings in any particular area. This means we don’t need to be in contact with our own weakness or vulnerabilities. We project these onto someone else and pretend to ourselves we are momentarily superior. But deep down we know we’re not.\r\n\r\nSometimes we take it even further where it’s not just judgement in our own mind. We join up with others and gossip. Deep down we feel when we’ve been too severe or disloyal or unkind, and we’d hate someone to speak about us like that. That’s what the ego does – it likes to take others down, implying that we’re not like that. We’re ok and in the right place in our own lives.\r\n\r\nBut why would our ego do this? It’s afraid. It’s trying to keep us and those around us in a neat box to feel safe. Gossiping (or being judgemental) attempts to shape our social or work sphere to keep ourselves and others in line. We – the gossipers – are momentarily in the ‘in crowd’, and someone else is on the outer.\r\n\r\nWe all need to look at how our ego operates so that we don’t fall into the trap of taking it too seriously. It’s trying to keep us safe, nudging us towards life in a protected box. The more we understand our ego, the more we free ourselves of the continuous commentary and judgements of ourselves and others that occur moment to moment. And in its place is greater peace and quiet in our own minds.\r\n\r\n<em>Image source: Shutterstock (1282520281)</em>','Where Do Our Expectations And Beliefs About Relationships Come From?','','inherit','closed','closed','','5227-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 10:41:12','2022-08-26 10:41:12','',5227,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5229',0,'revision','',0),(5230,3,'2022-08-26 10:43:51','2022-08-26 10:43:51','We are such a complex species us humans. We have evolved these incredible mammalian brains that can categorise, analyse, and differentiate between objects, situations and abstract ideas. We create incredible tools, machines that fly, and artificial intelligence to be applied in every realm of life. We need to admire our ability to create and make the unimaginable a new reality.\r\n\r\nPart of this highly evolved brain involves our ability to judge things and discriminate between options. This means holding onto some ideas as worthwhile, discerning whether opinions hold enough weight for us to take them seriously, determining whether certain substances or foods are good for our body or not. We make judgements about politician, bosses, or our work environment. We judge the weather as good or bad, the restaurant vibe, or the present we received for Christmas as suitable – or not.\r\n\r\nIf we put a microphone in our mind to really listen to our judgements, we would all hear that we make thousands of them every single day. We start the morning judging whether we slept well last night. We may have a shower and have judgements about whether we look good or not, whether we like how our clothes fit that day, and we may even judge our behaviour with food or exercise over the last little while.\r\n\r\nOur judgements come from the voice in our head. This voice is always there, always chiming in with some very important judgement of the moment. This is the ego. It’s always questioning and judging. Am I enjoying this moment? Am I unhappy with what my friend said to me last week? I am feeling so good! I don’t like the food in the fridge – it’s boring. This was the best day of my life! The judgements are either good or bad, positive or negative.\r\n\r\nOur ego judges our friend’s choice to move away from the city, or their new partner as dull, or we judge whether we are earning enough money. We judge to make ourselves feel better or we judge to make ourselves feel worse. We can be especially judgemental of ourselves. I see this with my clients, and I call it the whip. I used to have a whip. I did the work to get away from that one.\r\n\r\nIt’s the whip others would never believe you have, where you give yourself some lashings. So many people don’t even know that they are judging themselves harshly. Their whip has been operating for so long, without their awareness. I never even knew I had a choice to put the whip down. Once I knew I could it was a game changer. I’d literally catch myself being self-critical and visualise gently placing the whip down.\r\n\r\nThe other form of judgement is reserved for others. We can judge others so swiftly without even knowing we don’t need to do this. We have no idea how judging others is actually a reflection of our own mind. These judgements hurt us more than they hurt anyone else. We can be critical of other’s ideas, values, behaviour, opinions, or work. We can be harsh on their body shape and size. We can negatively judge their parenting. We can be mean about their children.\r\n\r\nThere is no end to the topics we can judge about others and how they live their lives. Why do we do this? We do this because our fragile ego wants a little ego boost. So we tear others down a notch – in our own mind. We want to feel a bit better about our own lives, so we create a story about someone else’s inadequacies or failings in any particular area. This means we don’t need to be in contact with our own weakness or vulnerabilities. We project these onto someone else and pretend to ourselves we are momentarily superior. But deep down we know we’re not.\r\n\r\nSometimes we take it even further where it’s not just judgement in our own mind. We join up with others and gossip. Deep down we feel when we’ve been too severe or disloyal or unkind, and we’d hate someone to speak about us like that. That’s what the ego does – it likes to take others down, implying that we’re not like that. We’re ok and in the right place in our own lives.\r\n\r\nBut why would our ego do this? It’s afraid. It’s trying to keep us and those around us in a neat box to feel safe. Gossiping (or being judgemental) attempts to shape our social or work sphere to keep ourselves and others in line. We – the gossipers – are momentarily in the ‘in crowd’, and someone else is on the outer.\r\n\r\nWe all need to look at how our ego operates so that we don’t fall into the trap of taking it too seriously. It’s trying to keep us safe, nudging us towards life in a protected box. The more we understand our ego, the more we free ourselves of the continuous commentary and judgements of ourselves and others that occur moment to moment. And in its place is greater peace and quiet in our own minds.\r\n\r\n<em>Image source: Shutterstock (1282520281)</em>','Where Do Our Expectations And Beliefs About Relationships Come From?','','inherit','closed','closed','','5227-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 10:43:51','2022-08-26 10:43:51','',5227,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5230',0,'revision','',0),(5231,3,'2022-08-26 10:43:52','2022-08-26 10:43:52','We are such a complex species us humans. We have evolved these incredible mammalian brains that can categorise, analyse, and differentiate between objects, situations and abstract ideas. We create incredible tools, machines that fly, and artificial intelligence to be applied in every realm of life. We need to admire our ability to create and make the unimaginable a new reality.\r\n\r\nPart of this highly evolved brain involves our ability to judge things and discriminate between options. This means holding onto some ideas as worthwhile, discerning whether opinions hold enough weight for us to take them seriously, determining whether certain substances or foods are good for our body or not. We make judgements about politician, bosses, or our work environment. We judge the weather as good or bad, the restaurant vibe, or the present we received for Christmas as suitable – or not.\r\n\r\nIf we put a microphone in our mind to really listen to our judgements, we would all hear that we make thousands of them every single day. We start the morning judging whether we slept well last night. We may have a shower and have judgements about whether we look good or not, whether we like how our clothes fit that day, and we may even judge our behaviour with food or exercise over the last little while.\r\n\r\nOur judgements come from the voice in our head. This voice is always there, always chiming in with some very important judgement of the moment. This is the ego. It’s always questioning and judging. Am I enjoying this moment? Am I unhappy with what my friend said to me last week? I am feeling so good! I don’t like the food in the fridge – it’s boring. This was the best day of my life! The judgements are either good or bad, positive or negative.\r\n\r\nOur ego judges our friend’s choice to move away from the city, or their new partner as dull, or we judge whether we are earning enough money. We judge to make ourselves feel better or we judge to make ourselves feel worse. We can be especially judgemental of ourselves. I see this with my clients, and I call it the whip. I used to have a whip. I did the work to get away from that one.\r\n\r\nIt’s the whip others would never believe you have, where you give yourself some lashings. So many people don’t even know that they are judging themselves harshly. Their whip has been operating for so long, without their awareness. I never even knew I had a choice to put the whip down. Once I knew I could it was a game changer. I’d literally catch myself being self-critical and visualise gently placing the whip down.\r\n\r\nThe other form of judgement is reserved for others. We can judge others so swiftly without even knowing we don’t need to do this. We have no idea how judging others is actually a reflection of our own mind. These judgements hurt us more than they hurt anyone else. We can be critical of other’s ideas, values, behaviour, opinions, or work. We can be harsh on their body shape and size. We can negatively judge their parenting. We can be mean about their children.\r\n\r\nThere is no end to the topics we can judge about others and how they live their lives. Why do we do this? We do this because our fragile ego wants a little ego boost. So we tear others down a notch – in our own mind. We want to feel a bit better about our own lives, so we create a story about someone else’s inadequacies or failings in any particular area. This means we don’t need to be in contact with our own weakness or vulnerabilities. We project these onto someone else and pretend to ourselves we are momentarily superior. But deep down we know we’re not.\r\n\r\nSometimes we take it even further where it’s not just judgement in our own mind. We join up with others and gossip. Deep down we feel when we’ve been too severe or disloyal or unkind, and we’d hate someone to speak about us like that. That’s what the ego does – it likes to take others down, implying that we’re not like that. We’re ok and in the right place in our own lives.\r\n\r\nBut why would our ego do this? It’s afraid. It’s trying to keep us and those around us in a neat box to feel safe. Gossiping (or being judgemental) attempts to shape our social or work sphere to keep ourselves and others in line. We – the gossipers – are momentarily in the ‘in crowd’, and someone else is on the outer.\r\n\r\nWe all need to look at how our ego operates so that we don’t fall into the trap of taking it too seriously. It’s trying to keep us safe, nudging us towards life in a protected box. The more we understand our ego, the more we free ourselves of the continuous commentary and judgements of ourselves and others that occur moment to moment. And in its place is greater peace and quiet in our own minds.\r\n\r\n<em>Image source: Shutterstock (1282520281)</em>','Where Do Our Expectations And Beliefs About Relationships Come From?','','inherit','closed','closed','','5227-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 10:43:52','2022-08-26 10:43:52','',5227,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5231',0,'revision','',0),(5232,3,'2022-08-26 10:43:52','2022-08-26 10:43:52','<p>Do you ever wonder why you view yourself, your partner, your interactions, or your relationship the way you do? Why do other people have different viewpoints of relationships from ours? Most importantly, why is our partner so different from us? This is the relationship that we feel the differences so acutely. Both partners do as we navigate them daily, yearly, and even across decades.</p><p> </p><p>Sometimes we can deal with our differences kindly. Sometimes respectfully. And sometimes these differences scare the pants off us, and we can’t believe we are dealing with someone who thinks or behaves in that way. We can completely blindside or shock each other because our behaviour or our perspectives feel too far apart.</p><p>Wouldn’t life be so much easier if our partner shared similar perspectives and opinions on relationships to us? Wouldn’t it be easier if we both behaved exactly the same way according to a shared relational template? Or even better, if our partner behaved entirely in accordance with our relational template.</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h2>What Is A Relational Template?</h2>		\n		<p>We all have our own unique relational template that was created in childhood through our interactions with parents or caregivers. Through our thousands and thousands of interactions with them, our ideas and expectations of relationships were shaped. This includes our beliefs and values, expectations of ourselves and our partner, what needs a firm boundary and what doesn’t matter to us. In our template we hold expectations of how our partner should communicate and behave in our committed relationship.</p><p>Our relational template holds information about relationships that was encoded decades ago. Essentially this was encoded through the thousands of small interactions we had with parents. Some of these were enjoyable. Others were about them showing up or holding us when we needed it. We may also have encoded their absences or missing them too much or feeling we couldn’t get their attention sufficiently to feel secure. We’ve encoded our parents’ rules and expectations, and their relational reactions and behaviour. We’ve encoded whether they apologised when they frightened us or were too stern helping us feel safer with them again, or when they didn’t.</p><p>These experiences are encoded in the template in our mind and body. Some of the contents of the template we know about consciously and can speak about. For example, “It’s important to kiss goodbye to each other when we leave the house” or “It’s important to support each other when we are hurt or sad, and this was because my dad put band-aids on my knees when I’d fall over and kiss them better.” Other parts are held unconsciously, where we have no awareness of them at all.</p><p>It’s easy to know how we think consciously about relationships and our expectations or rules we want to live by. However, if you want to have access to what’s held unconsciously in your relational template reflect on how you react when your partner treats you in a way that causes you to panic, feel upset, betrayed, or unsafe. Do you respond calmly “Please don’t talk to me with that tone” or are you triggered into fight or flight mode? Do you lose it or attack back or do you get away from them as if they are a danger to you?</p><p>Our past relationships with our parents or caregivers will always be different from our partner. We will have encoded different relational information. Neither of us has the ‘right template’, and neither has the ‘wrong template’. Some templates are healthier than others though.</p><p>We may share some beliefs, values or expectations with our partner, however our templates will never fully align. Some of these differences are ok for us. And some won’t be, and this will cause us to fight. What’s critical for all couples is how healthily or unhealthily they navigate the many differences between their relational templates.</p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (1655125261)</em></p>','Where Do Our Expectations And Beliefs About Relationships Come From?','','inherit','closed','closed','','5227-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 10:43:52','2022-08-26 10:43:52','',5227,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5232',0,'revision','',0),(5233,3,'2022-02-18 10:44:32','2022-02-18 10:44:32','<p>Recently I finished watching the 3-part series by investigative journalist, Jess Hill, called ‘See what you made me do’. The documentary title is taken from the comment made by many perpetrators of domestic abuse who blame their victim – their current or ex-partner – for the violence they have inflicted upon them. The implication is “if you hadn’t made me angry by doing or saying that, then I wouldn’t have treated you so violently.”</p><p>Many of us are horrified when we read about the latest woman murdered by someone she had been with. Fifteen minutes ago, my partner told me of another woman killed, along with her 6-year-old child. Both were stabbed to death. Her 10-year-old child managed to run away, and I can only imagine the horrific Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) she will have. Like so many victims, she had tried to enlist the help of the police. Her killer was known to them, he was in their computer system.</p><p>Hill’s documentary outlines the complexity of domestic violence. What became clear is that we usually hear about the abuse via the media when a shocking incident, like a woman’s murder (and possibly her children as well), has taken place. However, this type of incident is just the tip of the iceberg. Prior to this, women have experienced another form of abuse called <strong>coercive control</strong>.</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h2>What is Coercive Control?\n</h2>		\n		<p>This is a form of abuse that involves a pattern of behaviours fostering a power imbalance to control one’s partner. These behaviours involve frightening, intimidating, and manipulating one’s victim leaving them terrified, dependent on their abuser, and also isolated from others. </p>		\n			<h2>What are The Signs of Coercive Control?\n</h2>		\n			<h3>Degrading partner’s sense of self or self-esteem</h3>		\n		<p>This can be via insults, name calling, belittling, or bullying them. They chip away at their victim continuously reducing their <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/2022/01/28/what-would-my-best-self-do/\"><strong>self-worth</strong></a> until they feel worthless. This makes it harder for the victim to leave as they believe they have no value and no-one else would want them.</p>		\n			<h3>Jealous or possessive behaviour</h3>		\n		<p>Without them knowing or admitting it, an abuser is extremely fragile and fearful of their partner choosing to leave them or choosing to be with someone else. They are often possessive and jealous, wanting their victim to themselves. Abusers often control and manipulate their victim by frequently accusing them of cheating. Victims often alter their choices to not upset their abuser or not feel guilty about doing the wrong thing by their abuser.</p>		\n			<h3>Isolating the victim from others\n</h3>		\n		<p>A coercively controlling partner will try to isolate their victim from those closest to them. They may try to separate their victim by having them move away from their social and support network. They may tell lies about the victim’s network or fabricate lies to the network, so they cut the victim off. They don’t want their victim to talk to others about what’s happening in the relationship and want to always have control. They can even stop their victims from engaging in school or work.</p>		\n			<h3>Monitoring activity\n</h3>		\n		<p>Coercive control often involves constant monitoring of their victim. They may want their victim to feel their watchful presence or be secretive about it. This could be through social media, emails, phone messages or sophisticated spying software or generic mobile phone tracking devices. They may stalk their victim by following them or using voice recorders or cameras in the home or car that the victim may or may not know about. They use physical tracking devices hidden in or under the car.</p>		\n			<h3>Controlling the victim’s body\n</h3>		\n		<p>Abusers often attempt to control how their victim looks. This may be their clothes, hair, makeup, what they consume in food and liquid, and their level of exercise. Some deny medical attention or medications to their victim. Abusers may make sexual demands. This could be in the frequency of sex, the sexual acts performed, what they do to the victim’s body without seeking permission, such as photos, videos or unprotected sex.</p>		\n			<h3>Restricting victim’s autonomy\n</h3>		\n		<p>We know the abuser want to have control of their victim. This means they may prevent them going to school, university, or work. They may try to remove access to their car or transport, so their victim has their movements restricted and decreases their independence. They may hide their devices, change passwords on their victim’s devices, banking or online accounts.</p>		\n			<h3>Financial control over victim\n</h3>		\n		<p>This removes the victim’s ability to be independent and make their own decisions. It also prevents their ability to leave the relationship. This could be through monitoring victim’s expenditure, enforcing a strict allowance withholding sufficient funds to cover the essentials, not allowing the victim a credit card and hiding money from them.</p>		\n			<h3>Threats and intimidations\n</h3>		\n		<p>These can be threats or intimidation towards the victim’s family, friends, children, pets, or property, and they are used (misused) to keep the victim in line.</p>		\n			<h2>Getting out safely</h2>		\n		<p>Victims need to take care when leaving a coercive controlling abuser. It can be done, yet without care and planning it can be dangerous, or even fatal, to the victim.</p><p>If you are unsure whether you are a victim of coercive control or you need help to leave safely, contact a helpline below:</p><p><b>1800RESPECT</b>: 1800 737 732</p><p><b>Kids Helpline</b>: 1800 55 1800</p><p><b>Lifeline</b>: 13 11 14</p><p>If you, your children, or extended family are in immediate danger, contact 000.</p><p><i>Image source: Shutterstock (1705737463)</i></p>','Coercive Control – What We Need To Look Out For','','publish','open','open','','coercive-control-what-we-need-to-look-out-for','','\nhttps://www.lissyabrahams.com/2022/01/28/what-would-my-best-self-do/','2022-08-26 10:55:29','2022-08-26 10:55:29','',0,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5233',0,'post','',0),(5234,3,'2022-08-26 10:46:21','2022-08-26 10:46:21','','Man,Being,Physically,Abusive,Towards,Family,,Sexual,Abuse,,,Stop','','inherit','open','closed','','manbeingphysicallyabusivetowardsfamilysexualabusestop','','','2022-08-26 10:46:21','2022-08-26 10:46:21','',5233,'http://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/shutterstock_1705737463.jpg',0,'attachment','image/jpeg',0),(5235,3,'2022-08-26 10:46:33','2022-08-26 10:46:33','Do you ever wonder why you view yourself, your partner, your interactions, or your relationship the way you do? Why do other people have different viewpoints of relationships from ours? Most importantly, why is our partner so different from us? This is the relationship that we feel the differences so acutely. Both partners do as we navigate them daily, yearly, and even across decades.\r\n\r\nSometimes we can deal with our differences kindly. Sometimes respectfully. And sometimes these differences scare the pants off us, and we can’t believe we are dealing with someone who thinks or behaves in that way. We can completely blindside or shock each other because our behaviour or our perspectives feel too far apart.\r\n\r\nWouldn’t life be so much easier if our partner shared similar perspectives and opinions on relationships to us? Wouldn’t it be easier if we both behaved exactly the same way according to a shared relational template? Or even better, if our partner behaved entirely in accordance with our relational template.\r\n\r\n<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */<br />\r\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style>\r\n<h2>What Is A Relational Template?</h2>\r\nWe all have our own unique relational template that was created in childhood through our interactions with parents or caregivers. Through our thousands and thousands of interactions with them, our ideas and expectations of relationships were shaped. This includes our beliefs and values, expectations of ourselves and our partner, what needs a firm boundary and what doesn’t matter to us. In our template we hold expectations of how our partner should communicate and behave in our committed relationship.\r\n\r\nOur relational template holds information about relationships that was encoded decades ago. Essentially this was encoded through the thousands of small interactions we had with parents. Some of these were enjoyable. Others were about them showing up or holding us when we needed it. We may also have encoded their absences or missing them too much or feeling we couldn’t get their attention sufficiently to feel secure. We’ve encoded our parents’ rules and expectations, and their relational reactions and behaviour. We’ve encoded whether they apologised when they frightened us or were too stern helping us feel safer with them again, or when they didn’t.\r\n\r\nThese experiences are encoded in the template in our mind and body. Some of the contents of the template we know about consciously and can speak about. For example, “It’s important to kiss goodbye to each other when we leave the house” or “It’s important to support each other when we are hurt or sad, and this was because my dad put band-aids on my knees when I’d fall over and kiss them better.” Other parts are held unconsciously, where we have no awareness of them at all.\r\n\r\nIt’s easy to know how we think consciously about relationships and our expectations or rules we want to live by. However, if you want to have access to what’s held unconsciously in your relational template reflect on how you react when your partner treats you in a way that causes you to panic, feel upset, betrayed, or unsafe. Do you respond calmly “Please don’t talk to me with that tone” or are you triggered into fight or flight mode? Do you lose it or attack back or do you get away from them as if they are a danger to you?\r\n\r\nOur past relationships with our parents or caregivers will always be different from our partner. We will have encoded different relational information. Neither of us has the ‘right template’, and neither has the ‘wrong template’. Some templates are healthier than others though.\r\n\r\nWe may share some beliefs, values or expectations with our partner, however our templates will never fully align. Some of these differences are ok for us. And some won’t be, and this will cause us to fight. What’s critical for all couples is how healthily or unhealthily they navigate the many differences between their relational templates.\r\n\r\n<em>Image source: Shutterstock (1655125261)</em>','Coercive Control – What We Need To Look Out For','','inherit','closed','closed','','5233-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 10:46:33','2022-08-26 10:46:33','',5233,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5235',0,'revision','',0),(5236,3,'2022-08-26 10:55:00','2022-08-26 10:55:00','Do you ever wonder why you view yourself, your partner, your interactions, or your relationship the way you do? Why do other people have different viewpoints of relationships from ours? Most importantly, why is our partner so different from us? This is the relationship that we feel the differences so acutely. Both partners do as we navigate them daily, yearly, and even across decades.\r\n\r\nSometimes we can deal with our differences kindly. Sometimes respectfully. And sometimes these differences scare the pants off us, and we can’t believe we are dealing with someone who thinks or behaves in that way. We can completely blindside or shock each other because our behaviour or our perspectives feel too far apart.\r\n\r\nWouldn’t life be so much easier if our partner shared similar perspectives and opinions on relationships to us? Wouldn’t it be easier if we both behaved exactly the same way according to a shared relational template? Or even better, if our partner behaved entirely in accordance with our relational template.\r\n\r\n<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */<br />\r\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style>\r\n<h2>What Is A Relational Template?</h2>\r\nWe all have our own unique relational template that was created in childhood through our interactions with parents or caregivers. Through our thousands and thousands of interactions with them, our ideas and expectations of relationships were shaped. This includes our beliefs and values, expectations of ourselves and our partner, what needs a firm boundary and what doesn’t matter to us. In our template we hold expectations of how our partner should communicate and behave in our committed relationship.\r\n\r\nOur relational template holds information about relationships that was encoded decades ago. Essentially this was encoded through the thousands of small interactions we had with parents. Some of these were enjoyable. Others were about them showing up or holding us when we needed it. We may also have encoded their absences or missing them too much or feeling we couldn’t get their attention sufficiently to feel secure. We’ve encoded our parents’ rules and expectations, and their relational reactions and behaviour. We’ve encoded whether they apologised when they frightened us or were too stern helping us feel safer with them again, or when they didn’t.\r\n\r\nThese experiences are encoded in the template in our mind and body. Some of the contents of the template we know about consciously and can speak about. For example, “It’s important to kiss goodbye to each other when we leave the house” or “It’s important to support each other when we are hurt or sad, and this was because my dad put band-aids on my knees when I’d fall over and kiss them better.” Other parts are held unconsciously, where we have no awareness of them at all.\r\n\r\nIt’s easy to know how we think consciously about relationships and our expectations or rules we want to live by. However, if you want to have access to what’s held unconsciously in your relational template reflect on how you react when your partner treats you in a way that causes you to panic, feel upset, betrayed, or unsafe. Do you respond calmly “Please don’t talk to me with that tone” or are you triggered into fight or flight mode? Do you lose it or attack back or do you get away from them as if they are a danger to you?\r\n\r\nOur past relationships with our parents or caregivers will always be different from our partner. We will have encoded different relational information. Neither of us has the ‘right template’, and neither has the ‘wrong template’. Some templates are healthier than others though.\r\n\r\nWe may share some beliefs, values or expectations with our partner, however our templates will never fully align. Some of these differences are ok for us. And some won’t be, and this will cause us to fight. What’s critical for all couples is how healthily or unhealthily they navigate the many differences between their relational templates.\r\n\r\n<em>Image source: Shutterstock (1655125261)</em>','Coercive Control – What We Need To Look Out For','','inherit','closed','closed','','5233-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 10:55:00','2022-08-26 10:55:00','',5233,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5236',0,'revision','',0),(5237,3,'2022-08-26 10:55:00','2022-08-26 10:55:00','Do you ever wonder why you view yourself, your partner, your interactions, or your relationship the way you do? Why do other people have different viewpoints of relationships from ours? Most importantly, why is our partner so different from us? This is the relationship that we feel the differences so acutely. Both partners do as we navigate them daily, yearly, and even across decades.\r\n\r\nSometimes we can deal with our differences kindly. Sometimes respectfully. And sometimes these differences scare the pants off us, and we can’t believe we are dealing with someone who thinks or behaves in that way. We can completely blindside or shock each other because our behaviour or our perspectives feel too far apart.\r\n\r\nWouldn’t life be so much easier if our partner shared similar perspectives and opinions on relationships to us? Wouldn’t it be easier if we both behaved exactly the same way according to a shared relational template? Or even better, if our partner behaved entirely in accordance with our relational template.\r\n\r\n<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */<br />\r\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style>\r\n<h2>What Is A Relational Template?</h2>\r\nWe all have our own unique relational template that was created in childhood through our interactions with parents or caregivers. Through our thousands and thousands of interactions with them, our ideas and expectations of relationships were shaped. This includes our beliefs and values, expectations of ourselves and our partner, what needs a firm boundary and what doesn’t matter to us. In our template we hold expectations of how our partner should communicate and behave in our committed relationship.\r\n\r\nOur relational template holds information about relationships that was encoded decades ago. Essentially this was encoded through the thousands of small interactions we had with parents. Some of these were enjoyable. Others were about them showing up or holding us when we needed it. We may also have encoded their absences or missing them too much or feeling we couldn’t get their attention sufficiently to feel secure. We’ve encoded our parents’ rules and expectations, and their relational reactions and behaviour. We’ve encoded whether they apologised when they frightened us or were too stern helping us feel safer with them again, or when they didn’t.\r\n\r\nThese experiences are encoded in the template in our mind and body. Some of the contents of the template we know about consciously and can speak about. For example, “It’s important to kiss goodbye to each other when we leave the house” or “It’s important to support each other when we are hurt or sad, and this was because my dad put band-aids on my knees when I’d fall over and kiss them better.” Other parts are held unconsciously, where we have no awareness of them at all.\r\n\r\nIt’s easy to know how we think consciously about relationships and our expectations or rules we want to live by. However, if you want to have access to what’s held unconsciously in your relational template reflect on how you react when your partner treats you in a way that causes you to panic, feel upset, betrayed, or unsafe. Do you respond calmly “Please don’t talk to me with that tone” or are you triggered into fight or flight mode? Do you lose it or attack back or do you get away from them as if they are a danger to you?\r\n\r\nOur past relationships with our parents or caregivers will always be different from our partner. We will have encoded different relational information. Neither of us has the ‘right template’, and neither has the ‘wrong template’. Some templates are healthier than others though.\r\n\r\nWe may share some beliefs, values or expectations with our partner, however our templates will never fully align. Some of these differences are ok for us. And some won’t be, and this will cause us to fight. What’s critical for all couples is how healthily or unhealthily they navigate the many differences between their relational templates.\r\n\r\n<em>Image source: Shutterstock (1655125261)</em>','Coercive Control – What We Need To Look Out For','','inherit','closed','closed','','5233-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 10:55:00','2022-08-26 10:55:00','',5233,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5237',0,'revision','',0),(5238,3,'2022-08-26 10:55:00','2022-08-26 10:55:00','<p>Recently I finished watching the 3-part series by investigative journalist, Jess Hill, called ‘See what you made me do’. The documentary title is taken from the comment made by many perpetrators of domestic abuse who blame their victim – their current or ex-partner – for the violence they have inflicted upon them. The implication is “if you hadn’t made me angry by doing or saying that, then I wouldn’t have treated you so violently.”</p><p> </p><p>Many of us are horrified when we read about the latest woman murdered by someone she had been with. Fifteen minutes ago, my partner told me of another woman killed, along with her 6-year-old child. Both were stabbed to death. Her 10-year-old child managed to run away, and I can only imagine the horrific Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) she will have. Like so many victims, she had tried to enlist the help of the police. Her killer was known to them, he was in their computer system.</p><p>Hill’s documentary outlines the complexity of domestic violence. What became clear is that we usually hear about the abuse via the media when a shocking incident, like a woman’s murder (and possibly her children as well), has taken place. However, this type of incident is just the tip of the iceberg. Prior to this, women have experienced another form of abuse called <strong>coercive control</strong>.</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h2>What is Coercive Control?\n</h2>		\n		<p>This is a form of abuse that involves a pattern of behaviours fostering a power imbalance to control one’s partner. These behaviours involve frightening, intimidating, and manipulating one’s victim leaving them terrified, dependent on their abuser, and also isolated from others. </p>		\n			<h2>What are The Signs of Coercive Control?\n</h2>		\n			<h3>Degrading partner’s sense of self or self-esteem</h3>		\n		<p>This can be via insults, name calling, belittling, or bullying them. They chip away at their victim continuously reducing their <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/2022/01/28/what-would-my-best-self-do/\"><strong>self-worth</strong></a> until they feel worthless. This makes it harder for the victim to leave as they believe they have no value and no-one else would want them.</p>		\n			<h3>Jealous or possessive behaviour</h3>		\n		<p>Without them knowing or admitting it, an abuser is extremely fragile and fearful of their partner choosing to leave them or choosing to be with someone else. They are often possessive and jealous, wanting their victim to themselves. Abusers often control and manipulate their victim by frequently accusing them of cheating. Victims often alter their choices to not upset their abuser or not feel guilty about doing the wrong thing by their abuser.</p>		\n			<h3>Isolating the victim from others\n</h3>		\n		<p>A coercively controlling partner will try to isolate their victim from those closest to them. They may try to separate their victim by having them move away from their social and support network. They may tell lies about the victim’s network or fabricate lies to the network, so they cut the victim off. They don’t want their victim to talk to others about what’s happening in the relationship and want to always have control. They can even stop their victims from engaging in school or work.</p>		\n			<h3>Monitoring activity\n</h3>		\n		<p>Coercive control often involves constant monitoring of their victim. They may want their victim to feel their watchful presence or be secretive about it. This could be through social media, emails, phone messages or sophisticated spying software or generic mobile phone tracking devices. They may stalk their victim by following them or using voice recorders or cameras in the home or car that the victim may or may not know about. They use physical tracking devices hidden in or under the car.</p>		\n			<h3>Controlling the victim’s body\n</h3>		\n		<p>Abusers often attempt to control how their victim looks. This may be their clothes, hair, makeup, what they consume in food and liquid, and their level of exercise. Some deny medical attention or medications to their victim. Abusers may make sexual demands. This could be in the frequency of sex, the sexual acts performed, what they do to the victim’s body without seeking permission, such as photos, videos or unprotected sex.</p>		\n			<h3>Restricting victim’s autonomy\n</h3>		\n		<p>We know the abuser want to have control of their victim. This means they may prevent them going to school, university, or work. They may try to remove access to their car or transport, so their victim has their movements restricted and decreases their independence. They may hide their devices, change passwords on their victim’s devices, banking or online accounts.</p>		\n			<h3>Financial control over victim\n</h3>		\n		<p>This removes the victim’s ability to be independent and make their own decisions. It also prevents their ability to leave the relationship. This could be through monitoring victim’s expenditure, enforcing a strict allowance withholding sufficient funds to cover the essentials, not allowing the victim a credit card and hiding money from them.</p>		\n			<h3>Threats and intimidations\n</h3>		\n		<p>These can be threats or intimidation towards the victim’s family, friends, children, pets, or property, and they are used (misused) to keep the victim in line.</p>		\n			<h2>Getting out safely</h2>		\n		<p>Victims need to take care when leaving a coercive controlling abuser. It can be done, yet without care and planning it can be dangerous, or even fatal, to the victim.</p>\n<p>If you are unsure whether you are a victim of coercive control or you need help to leave safely, contact a helpline below:</p>\n<p><b>1800RESPECT</b>:&nbsp;1800 737 732</p>\n<p><b>Kids Helpline</b>:&nbsp;1800 55 1800</p>\n<p><b>Lifeline</b>:&nbsp;13 11 14</p>\n<p>If you, your children, or extended family are in immediate danger, contact 000.</p>\n<p><i>Image source: Shutterstock (1705737463)</i></p>','Coercive Control – What We Need To Look Out For','','inherit','closed','closed','','5233-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 10:55:00','2022-08-26 10:55:00','',5233,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5238',0,'revision','',0),(5239,3,'2022-08-26 10:55:21','2022-08-26 10:55:21','<p>Recently I finished watching the 3-part series by investigative journalist, Jess Hill, called ‘See what you made me do’. The documentary title is taken from the comment made by many perpetrators of domestic abuse who blame their victim – their current or ex-partner – for the violence they have inflicted upon them. The implication is “if you hadn’t made me angry by doing or saying that, then I wouldn’t have treated you so violently.”</p><p> </p><p>Many of us are horrified when we read about the latest woman murdered by someone she had been with. Fifteen minutes ago, my partner told me of another woman killed, along with her 6-year-old child. Both were stabbed to death. Her 10-year-old child managed to run away, and I can only imagine the horrific Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) she will have. Like so many victims, she had tried to enlist the help of the police. Her killer was known to them, he was in their computer system.</p><p>Hill’s documentary outlines the complexity of domestic violence. What became clear is that we usually hear about the abuse via the media when a shocking incident, like a woman’s murder (and possibly her children as well), has taken place. However, this type of incident is just the tip of the iceberg. Prior to this, women have experienced another form of abuse called <strong>coercive control</strong>.</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h2>What is Coercive Control?\n</h2>		\n		<p>This is a form of abuse that involves a pattern of behaviours fostering a power imbalance to control one’s partner. These behaviours involve frightening, intimidating, and manipulating one’s victim leaving them terrified, dependent on their abuser, and also isolated from others. </p>		\n			<h2>What are The Signs of Coercive Control?\n</h2>		\n			<h3>Degrading partner’s sense of self or self-esteem</h3>		\n		<p>This can be via insults, name calling, belittling, or bullying them. They chip away at their victim continuously reducing their <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/2022/01/28/what-would-my-best-self-do/\"><strong>self-worth</strong></a> until they feel worthless. This makes it harder for the victim to leave as they believe they have no value and no-one else would want them.</p>		\n			<h3>Jealous or possessive behaviour</h3>		\n		<p>Without them knowing or admitting it, an abuser is extremely fragile and fearful of their partner choosing to leave them or choosing to be with someone else. They are often possessive and jealous, wanting their victim to themselves. Abusers often control and manipulate their victim by frequently accusing them of cheating. Victims often alter their choices to not upset their abuser or not feel guilty about doing the wrong thing by their abuser.</p>		\n			<h3>Isolating the victim from others\n</h3>		\n		<p>A coercively controlling partner will try to isolate their victim from those closest to them. They may try to separate their victim by having them move away from their social and support network. They may tell lies about the victim’s network or fabricate lies to the network, so they cut the victim off. They don’t want their victim to talk to others about what’s happening in the relationship and want to always have control. They can even stop their victims from engaging in school or work.</p>		\n			<h3>Monitoring activity\n</h3>		\n		<p>Coercive control often involves constant monitoring of their victim. They may want their victim to feel their watchful presence or be secretive about it. This could be through social media, emails, phone messages or sophisticated spying software or generic mobile phone tracking devices. They may stalk their victim by following them or using voice recorders or cameras in the home or car that the victim may or may not know about. They use physical tracking devices hidden in or under the car.</p>		\n			<h3>Controlling the victim’s body\n</h3>		\n		<p>Abusers often attempt to control how their victim looks. This may be their clothes, hair, makeup, what they consume in food and liquid, and their level of exercise. Some deny medical attention or medications to their victim. Abusers may make sexual demands. This could be in the frequency of sex, the sexual acts performed, what they do to the victim’s body without seeking permission, such as photos, videos or unprotected sex.</p>		\n			<h3>Restricting victim’s autonomy\n</h3>		\n		<p>We know the abuser want to have control of their victim. This means they may prevent them going to school, university, or work. They may try to remove access to their car or transport, so their victim has their movements restricted and decreases their independence. They may hide their devices, change passwords on their victim’s devices, banking or online accounts.</p>		\n			<h3>Financial control over victim\n</h3>		\n		<p>This removes the victim’s ability to be independent and make their own decisions. It also prevents their ability to leave the relationship. This could be through monitoring victim’s expenditure, enforcing a strict allowance withholding sufficient funds to cover the essentials, not allowing the victim a credit card and hiding money from them.</p>		\n			<h3>Threats and intimidations\n</h3>		\n		<p>These can be threats or intimidation towards the victim’s family, friends, children, pets, or property, and they are used (misused) to keep the victim in line.</p>		\n			<h2>Getting out safely</h2>		\n		<p>Victims need to take care when leaving a coercive controlling abuser. It can be done, yet without care and planning it can be dangerous, or even fatal, to the victim.</p>\n<p>If you are unsure whether you are a victim of coercive control or you need help to leave safely, contact a helpline below:</p>\n<p><b>1800RESPECT</b>:&nbsp;1800 737 732</p>\n<p><b>Kids Helpline</b>:&nbsp;1800 55 1800</p>\n<p><b>Lifeline</b>:&nbsp;13 11 14</p>\n<p>If you, your children, or extended family are in immediate danger, contact 000.</p>\n<p><i>Image source: Shutterstock (1705737463)</i></p>','Coercive Control – What We Need To Look Out For','','inherit','closed','closed','','5233-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 10:55:21','2022-08-26 10:55:21','',5233,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5239',0,'revision','',0),(5240,3,'2022-08-26 10:55:21','2022-08-26 10:55:21','<p>Recently I finished watching the 3-part series by investigative journalist, Jess Hill, called ‘See what you made me do’. The documentary title is taken from the comment made by many perpetrators of domestic abuse who blame their victim – their current or ex-partner – for the violence they have inflicted upon them. The implication is “if you hadn’t made me angry by doing or saying that, then I wouldn’t have treated you so violently.”</p><p> </p><p>Many of us are horrified when we read about the latest woman murdered by someone she had been with. Fifteen minutes ago, my partner told me of another woman killed, along with her 6-year-old child. Both were stabbed to death. Her 10-year-old child managed to run away, and I can only imagine the horrific Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) she will have. Like so many victims, she had tried to enlist the help of the police. Her killer was known to them, he was in their computer system.</p><p>Hill’s documentary outlines the complexity of domestic violence. What became clear is that we usually hear about the abuse via the media when a shocking incident, like a woman’s murder (and possibly her children as well), has taken place. However, this type of incident is just the tip of the iceberg. Prior to this, women have experienced another form of abuse called <strong>coercive control</strong>.</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h2>What is Coercive Control?\n</h2>		\n		<p>This is a form of abuse that involves a pattern of behaviours fostering a power imbalance to control one’s partner. These behaviours involve frightening, intimidating, and manipulating one’s victim leaving them terrified, dependent on their abuser, and also isolated from others. </p>		\n			<h2>What are The Signs of Coercive Control?\n</h2>		\n			<h3>Degrading partner’s sense of self or self-esteem</h3>		\n		<p>This can be via insults, name calling, belittling, or bullying them. They chip away at their victim continuously reducing their <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/2022/01/28/what-would-my-best-self-do/\"><strong>self-worth</strong></a> until they feel worthless. This makes it harder for the victim to leave as they believe they have no value and no-one else would want them.</p>		\n			<h3>Jealous or possessive behaviour</h3>		\n		<p>Without them knowing or admitting it, an abuser is extremely fragile and fearful of their partner choosing to leave them or choosing to be with someone else. They are often possessive and jealous, wanting their victim to themselves. Abusers often control and manipulate their victim by frequently accusing them of cheating. Victims often alter their choices to not upset their abuser or not feel guilty about doing the wrong thing by their abuser.</p>		\n			<h3>Isolating the victim from others\n</h3>		\n		<p>A coercively controlling partner will try to isolate their victim from those closest to them. They may try to separate their victim by having them move away from their social and support network. They may tell lies about the victim’s network or fabricate lies to the network, so they cut the victim off. They don’t want their victim to talk to others about what’s happening in the relationship and want to always have control. They can even stop their victims from engaging in school or work.</p>		\n			<h3>Monitoring activity\n</h3>		\n		<p>Coercive control often involves constant monitoring of their victim. They may want their victim to feel their watchful presence or be secretive about it. This could be through social media, emails, phone messages or sophisticated spying software or generic mobile phone tracking devices. They may stalk their victim by following them or using voice recorders or cameras in the home or car that the victim may or may not know about. They use physical tracking devices hidden in or under the car.</p>		\n			<h3>Controlling the victim’s body\n</h3>		\n		<p>Abusers often attempt to control how their victim looks. This may be their clothes, hair, makeup, what they consume in food and liquid, and their level of exercise. Some deny medical attention or medications to their victim. Abusers may make sexual demands. This could be in the frequency of sex, the sexual acts performed, what they do to the victim’s body without seeking permission, such as photos, videos or unprotected sex.</p>		\n			<h3>Restricting victim’s autonomy\n</h3>		\n		<p>We know the abuser want to have control of their victim. This means they may prevent them going to school, university, or work. They may try to remove access to their car or transport, so their victim has their movements restricted and decreases their independence. They may hide their devices, change passwords on their victim’s devices, banking or online accounts.</p>		\n			<h3>Financial control over victim\n</h3>		\n		<p>This removes the victim’s ability to be independent and make their own decisions. It also prevents their ability to leave the relationship. This could be through monitoring victim’s expenditure, enforcing a strict allowance withholding sufficient funds to cover the essentials, not allowing the victim a credit card and hiding money from them.</p>		\n			<h3>Threats and intimidations\n</h3>		\n		<p>These can be threats or intimidation towards the victim’s family, friends, children, pets, or property, and they are used (misused) to keep the victim in line.</p>		\n			<h2>Getting out safely</h2>		\n		<p>Victims need to take care when leaving a coercive controlling abuser. It can be done, yet without care and planning it can be dangerous, or even fatal, to the victim.</p>\n<p>If you are unsure whether you are a victim of coercive control or you need help to leave safely, contact a helpline below:</p>\n<p><b>1800RESPECT</b>:&nbsp;1800 737 732</p>\n<p><b>Kids Helpline</b>:&nbsp;1800 55 1800</p>\n<p><b>Lifeline</b>:&nbsp;13 11 14</p>\n<p>If you, your children, or extended family are in immediate danger, contact 000.</p>\n<p><i>Image source: Shutterstock (1705737463)</i></p>','Coercive Control – What We Need To Look Out For','','inherit','closed','closed','','5233-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 10:55:21','2022-08-26 10:55:21','',5233,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5240',0,'revision','',0),(5241,3,'2022-08-26 10:55:21','2022-08-26 10:55:21','<p>Recently I finished watching the 3-part series by investigative journalist, Jess Hill, called ‘See what you made me do’. The documentary title is taken from the comment made by many perpetrators of domestic abuse who blame their victim – their current or ex-partner – for the violence they have inflicted upon them. The implication is “if you hadn’t made me angry by doing or saying that, then I wouldn’t have treated you so violently.”</p><p>Many of us are horrified when we read about the latest woman murdered by someone she had been with. Fifteen minutes ago, my partner told me of another woman killed, along with her 6-year-old child. Both were stabbed to death. Her 10-year-old child managed to run away, and I can only imagine the horrific Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) she will have. Like so many victims, she had tried to enlist the help of the police. Her killer was known to them, he was in their computer system.</p>\n<p>Hill’s documentary outlines the complexity of domestic violence. What became clear is that we usually hear about the abuse via the media when a shocking incident, like a woman’s murder (and possibly her children as well), has taken place. However, this type of incident is just the tip of the iceberg. Prior to this, women have experienced another form of abuse called&nbsp;<strong>coercive control</strong>.</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h2>What is Coercive Control?\n</h2>		\n		<p>This is a form of abuse that involves a pattern of behaviours fostering a power imbalance to control one’s partner. These behaviours involve frightening, intimidating, and manipulating one’s victim leaving them terrified, dependent on their abuser, and also isolated from others. </p>		\n			<h2>What are The Signs of Coercive Control?\n</h2>		\n			<h3>Degrading partner’s sense of self or self-esteem</h3>		\n		<p>This can be via insults, name calling, belittling, or bullying them. They chip away at their victim continuously reducing their <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/2022/01/28/what-would-my-best-self-do/\"><strong>self-worth</strong></a> until they feel worthless. This makes it harder for the victim to leave as they believe they have no value and no-one else would want them.</p>		\n			<h3>Jealous or possessive behaviour</h3>		\n		<p>Without them knowing or admitting it, an abuser is extremely fragile and fearful of their partner choosing to leave them or choosing to be with someone else. They are often possessive and jealous, wanting their victim to themselves. Abusers often control and manipulate their victim by frequently accusing them of cheating. Victims often alter their choices to not upset their abuser or not feel guilty about doing the wrong thing by their abuser.</p>		\n			<h3>Isolating the victim from others\n</h3>		\n		<p>A coercively controlling partner will try to isolate their victim from those closest to them. They may try to separate their victim by having them move away from their social and support network. They may tell lies about the victim’s network or fabricate lies to the network, so they cut the victim off. They don’t want their victim to talk to others about what’s happening in the relationship and want to always have control. They can even stop their victims from engaging in school or work.</p>		\n			<h3>Monitoring activity\n</h3>		\n		<p>Coercive control often involves constant monitoring of their victim. They may want their victim to feel their watchful presence or be secretive about it. This could be through social media, emails, phone messages or sophisticated spying software or generic mobile phone tracking devices. They may stalk their victim by following them or using voice recorders or cameras in the home or car that the victim may or may not know about. They use physical tracking devices hidden in or under the car.</p>		\n			<h3>Controlling the victim’s body\n</h3>		\n		<p>Abusers often attempt to control how their victim looks. This may be their clothes, hair, makeup, what they consume in food and liquid, and their level of exercise. Some deny medical attention or medications to their victim. Abusers may make sexual demands. This could be in the frequency of sex, the sexual acts performed, what they do to the victim’s body without seeking permission, such as photos, videos or unprotected sex.</p>		\n			<h3>Restricting victim’s autonomy\n</h3>		\n		<p>We know the abuser want to have control of their victim. This means they may prevent them going to school, university, or work. They may try to remove access to their car or transport, so their victim has their movements restricted and decreases their independence. They may hide their devices, change passwords on their victim’s devices, banking or online accounts.</p>		\n			<h3>Financial control over victim\n</h3>		\n		<p>This removes the victim’s ability to be independent and make their own decisions. It also prevents their ability to leave the relationship. This could be through monitoring victim’s expenditure, enforcing a strict allowance withholding sufficient funds to cover the essentials, not allowing the victim a credit card and hiding money from them.</p>		\n			<h3>Threats and intimidations\n</h3>		\n		<p>These can be threats or intimidation towards the victim’s family, friends, children, pets, or property, and they are used (misused) to keep the victim in line.</p>		\n			<h2>Getting out safely</h2>		\n		<p>Victims need to take care when leaving a coercive controlling abuser. It can be done, yet without care and planning it can be dangerous, or even fatal, to the victim.</p><p>If you are unsure whether you are a victim of coercive control or you need help to leave safely, contact a helpline below:</p><p><b>1800RESPECT</b>: 1800 737 732</p><p><b>Kids Helpline</b>: 1800 55 1800</p><p><b>Lifeline</b>: 13 11 14</p><p>If you, your children, or extended family are in immediate danger, contact 000.</p><p><i>Image source: Shutterstock (1705737463)</i></p>','Coercive Control – What We Need To Look Out For','','inherit','closed','closed','','5233-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 10:55:21','2022-08-26 10:55:21','',5233,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5241',0,'revision','',0),(5242,3,'2022-08-26 10:55:29','2022-08-26 10:55:29','<p>Recently I finished watching the 3-part series by investigative journalist, Jess Hill, called ‘See what you made me do’. The documentary title is taken from the comment made by many perpetrators of domestic abuse who blame their victim – their current or ex-partner – for the violence they have inflicted upon them. The implication is “if you hadn’t made me angry by doing or saying that, then I wouldn’t have treated you so violently.”</p><p>Many of us are horrified when we read about the latest woman murdered by someone she had been with. Fifteen minutes ago, my partner told me of another woman killed, along with her 6-year-old child. Both were stabbed to death. Her 10-year-old child managed to run away, and I can only imagine the horrific Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) she will have. Like so many victims, she had tried to enlist the help of the police. Her killer was known to them, he was in their computer system.</p>\n<p>Hill’s documentary outlines the complexity of domestic violence. What became clear is that we usually hear about the abuse via the media when a shocking incident, like a woman’s murder (and possibly her children as well), has taken place. However, this type of incident is just the tip of the iceberg. Prior to this, women have experienced another form of abuse called&nbsp;<strong>coercive control</strong>.</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h2>What is Coercive Control?\n</h2>		\n		<p>This is a form of abuse that involves a pattern of behaviours fostering a power imbalance to control one’s partner. These behaviours involve frightening, intimidating, and manipulating one’s victim leaving them terrified, dependent on their abuser, and also isolated from others. </p>		\n			<h2>What are The Signs of Coercive Control?\n</h2>		\n			<h3>Degrading partner’s sense of self or self-esteem</h3>		\n		<p>This can be via insults, name calling, belittling, or bullying them. They chip away at their victim continuously reducing their <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/2022/01/28/what-would-my-best-self-do/\"><strong>self-worth</strong></a> until they feel worthless. This makes it harder for the victim to leave as they believe they have no value and no-one else would want them.</p>		\n			<h3>Jealous or possessive behaviour</h3>		\n		<p>Without them knowing or admitting it, an abuser is extremely fragile and fearful of their partner choosing to leave them or choosing to be with someone else. They are often possessive and jealous, wanting their victim to themselves. Abusers often control and manipulate their victim by frequently accusing them of cheating. Victims often alter their choices to not upset their abuser or not feel guilty about doing the wrong thing by their abuser.</p>		\n			<h3>Isolating the victim from others\n</h3>		\n		<p>A coercively controlling partner will try to isolate their victim from those closest to them. They may try to separate their victim by having them move away from their social and support network. They may tell lies about the victim’s network or fabricate lies to the network, so they cut the victim off. They don’t want their victim to talk to others about what’s happening in the relationship and want to always have control. They can even stop their victims from engaging in school or work.</p>		\n			<h3>Monitoring activity\n</h3>		\n		<p>Coercive control often involves constant monitoring of their victim. They may want their victim to feel their watchful presence or be secretive about it. This could be through social media, emails, phone messages or sophisticated spying software or generic mobile phone tracking devices. They may stalk their victim by following them or using voice recorders or cameras in the home or car that the victim may or may not know about. They use physical tracking devices hidden in or under the car.</p>		\n			<h3>Controlling the victim’s body\n</h3>		\n		<p>Abusers often attempt to control how their victim looks. This may be their clothes, hair, makeup, what they consume in food and liquid, and their level of exercise. Some deny medical attention or medications to their victim. Abusers may make sexual demands. This could be in the frequency of sex, the sexual acts performed, what they do to the victim’s body without seeking permission, such as photos, videos or unprotected sex.</p>		\n			<h3>Restricting victim’s autonomy\n</h3>		\n		<p>We know the abuser want to have control of their victim. This means they may prevent them going to school, university, or work. They may try to remove access to their car or transport, so their victim has their movements restricted and decreases their independence. They may hide their devices, change passwords on their victim’s devices, banking or online accounts.</p>		\n			<h3>Financial control over victim\n</h3>		\n		<p>This removes the victim’s ability to be independent and make their own decisions. It also prevents their ability to leave the relationship. This could be through monitoring victim’s expenditure, enforcing a strict allowance withholding sufficient funds to cover the essentials, not allowing the victim a credit card and hiding money from them.</p>		\n			<h3>Threats and intimidations\n</h3>		\n		<p>These can be threats or intimidation towards the victim’s family, friends, children, pets, or property, and they are used (misused) to keep the victim in line.</p>		\n			<h2>Getting out safely</h2>		\n		<p>Victims need to take care when leaving a coercive controlling abuser. It can be done, yet without care and planning it can be dangerous, or even fatal, to the victim.</p><p>If you are unsure whether you are a victim of coercive control or you need help to leave safely, contact a helpline below:</p><p><b>1800RESPECT</b>: 1800 737 732</p><p><b>Kids Helpline</b>: 1800 55 1800</p><p><b>Lifeline</b>: 13 11 14</p><p>If you, your children, or extended family are in immediate danger, contact 000.</p><p><i>Image source: Shutterstock (1705737463)</i></p>','Coercive Control – What We Need To Look Out For','','inherit','closed','closed','','5233-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 10:55:29','2022-08-26 10:55:29','',5233,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5242',0,'revision','',0),(5243,3,'2022-08-26 10:55:29','2022-08-26 10:55:29','<p>Recently I finished watching the 3-part series by investigative journalist, Jess Hill, called ‘See what you made me do’. The documentary title is taken from the comment made by many perpetrators of domestic abuse who blame their victim – their current or ex-partner – for the violence they have inflicted upon them. The implication is “if you hadn’t made me angry by doing or saying that, then I wouldn’t have treated you so violently.”</p><p>Many of us are horrified when we read about the latest woman murdered by someone she had been with. Fifteen minutes ago, my partner told me of another woman killed, along with her 6-year-old child. Both were stabbed to death. Her 10-year-old child managed to run away, and I can only imagine the horrific Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) she will have. Like so many victims, she had tried to enlist the help of the police. Her killer was known to them, he was in their computer system.</p>\n<p>Hill’s documentary outlines the complexity of domestic violence. What became clear is that we usually hear about the abuse via the media when a shocking incident, like a woman’s murder (and possibly her children as well), has taken place. However, this type of incident is just the tip of the iceberg. Prior to this, women have experienced another form of abuse called&nbsp;<strong>coercive control</strong>.</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h2>What is Coercive Control?\n</h2>		\n		<p>This is a form of abuse that involves a pattern of behaviours fostering a power imbalance to control one’s partner. These behaviours involve frightening, intimidating, and manipulating one’s victim leaving them terrified, dependent on their abuser, and also isolated from others. </p>		\n			<h2>What are The Signs of Coercive Control?\n</h2>		\n			<h3>Degrading partner’s sense of self or self-esteem</h3>		\n		<p>This can be via insults, name calling, belittling, or bullying them. They chip away at their victim continuously reducing their <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/2022/01/28/what-would-my-best-self-do/\"><strong>self-worth</strong></a> until they feel worthless. This makes it harder for the victim to leave as they believe they have no value and no-one else would want them.</p>		\n			<h3>Jealous or possessive behaviour</h3>		\n		<p>Without them knowing or admitting it, an abuser is extremely fragile and fearful of their partner choosing to leave them or choosing to be with someone else. They are often possessive and jealous, wanting their victim to themselves. Abusers often control and manipulate their victim by frequently accusing them of cheating. Victims often alter their choices to not upset their abuser or not feel guilty about doing the wrong thing by their abuser.</p>		\n			<h3>Isolating the victim from others\n</h3>		\n		<p>A coercively controlling partner will try to isolate their victim from those closest to them. They may try to separate their victim by having them move away from their social and support network. They may tell lies about the victim’s network or fabricate lies to the network, so they cut the victim off. They don’t want their victim to talk to others about what’s happening in the relationship and want to always have control. They can even stop their victims from engaging in school or work.</p>		\n			<h3>Monitoring activity\n</h3>		\n		<p>Coercive control often involves constant monitoring of their victim. They may want their victim to feel their watchful presence or be secretive about it. This could be through social media, emails, phone messages or sophisticated spying software or generic mobile phone tracking devices. They may stalk their victim by following them or using voice recorders or cameras in the home or car that the victim may or may not know about. They use physical tracking devices hidden in or under the car.</p>		\n			<h3>Controlling the victim’s body\n</h3>		\n		<p>Abusers often attempt to control how their victim looks. This may be their clothes, hair, makeup, what they consume in food and liquid, and their level of exercise. Some deny medical attention or medications to their victim. Abusers may make sexual demands. This could be in the frequency of sex, the sexual acts performed, what they do to the victim’s body without seeking permission, such as photos, videos or unprotected sex.</p>		\n			<h3>Restricting victim’s autonomy\n</h3>		\n		<p>We know the abuser want to have control of their victim. This means they may prevent them going to school, university, or work. They may try to remove access to their car or transport, so their victim has their movements restricted and decreases their independence. They may hide their devices, change passwords on their victim’s devices, banking or online accounts.</p>		\n			<h3>Financial control over victim\n</h3>		\n		<p>This removes the victim’s ability to be independent and make their own decisions. It also prevents their ability to leave the relationship. This could be through monitoring victim’s expenditure, enforcing a strict allowance withholding sufficient funds to cover the essentials, not allowing the victim a credit card and hiding money from them.</p>		\n			<h3>Threats and intimidations\n</h3>		\n		<p>These can be threats or intimidation towards the victim’s family, friends, children, pets, or property, and they are used (misused) to keep the victim in line.</p>		\n			<h2>Getting out safely</h2>		\n		<p>Victims need to take care when leaving a coercive controlling abuser. It can be done, yet without care and planning it can be dangerous, or even fatal, to the victim.</p><p>If you are unsure whether you are a victim of coercive control or you need help to leave safely, contact a helpline below:</p><p><b>1800RESPECT</b>: 1800 737 732</p><p><b>Kids Helpline</b>: 1800 55 1800</p><p><b>Lifeline</b>: 13 11 14</p><p>If you, your children, or extended family are in immediate danger, contact 000.</p><p><i>Image source: Shutterstock (1705737463)</i></p>','Coercive Control – What We Need To Look Out For','','inherit','closed','closed','','5233-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 10:55:29','2022-08-26 10:55:29','',5233,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5243',0,'revision','',0),(5244,3,'2022-08-26 10:55:29','2022-08-26 10:55:29','<p>Recently I finished watching the 3-part series by investigative journalist, Jess Hill, called ‘See what you made me do’. The documentary title is taken from the comment made by many perpetrators of domestic abuse who blame their victim – their current or ex-partner – for the violence they have inflicted upon them. The implication is “if you hadn’t made me angry by doing or saying that, then I wouldn’t have treated you so violently.”</p><p>Many of us are horrified when we read about the latest woman murdered by someone she had been with. Fifteen minutes ago, my partner told me of another woman killed, along with her 6-year-old child. Both were stabbed to death. Her 10-year-old child managed to run away, and I can only imagine the horrific Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) she will have. Like so many victims, she had tried to enlist the help of the police. Her killer was known to them, he was in their computer system.</p><p>Hill’s documentary outlines the complexity of domestic violence. What became clear is that we usually hear about the abuse via the media when a shocking incident, like a woman’s murder (and possibly her children as well), has taken place. However, this type of incident is just the tip of the iceberg. Prior to this, women have experienced another form of abuse called <strong>coercive control</strong>.</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h2>What is Coercive Control?\n</h2>		\n		<p>This is a form of abuse that involves a pattern of behaviours fostering a power imbalance to control one’s partner. These behaviours involve frightening, intimidating, and manipulating one’s victim leaving them terrified, dependent on their abuser, and also isolated from others. </p>		\n			<h2>What are The Signs of Coercive Control?\n</h2>		\n			<h3>Degrading partner’s sense of self or self-esteem</h3>		\n		<p>This can be via insults, name calling, belittling, or bullying them. They chip away at their victim continuously reducing their <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/2022/01/28/what-would-my-best-self-do/\"><strong>self-worth</strong></a> until they feel worthless. This makes it harder for the victim to leave as they believe they have no value and no-one else would want them.</p>		\n			<h3>Jealous or possessive behaviour</h3>		\n		<p>Without them knowing or admitting it, an abuser is extremely fragile and fearful of their partner choosing to leave them or choosing to be with someone else. They are often possessive and jealous, wanting their victim to themselves. Abusers often control and manipulate their victim by frequently accusing them of cheating. Victims often alter their choices to not upset their abuser or not feel guilty about doing the wrong thing by their abuser.</p>		\n			<h3>Isolating the victim from others\n</h3>		\n		<p>A coercively controlling partner will try to isolate their victim from those closest to them. They may try to separate their victim by having them move away from their social and support network. They may tell lies about the victim’s network or fabricate lies to the network, so they cut the victim off. They don’t want their victim to talk to others about what’s happening in the relationship and want to always have control. They can even stop their victims from engaging in school or work.</p>		\n			<h3>Monitoring activity\n</h3>		\n		<p>Coercive control often involves constant monitoring of their victim. They may want their victim to feel their watchful presence or be secretive about it. This could be through social media, emails, phone messages or sophisticated spying software or generic mobile phone tracking devices. They may stalk their victim by following them or using voice recorders or cameras in the home or car that the victim may or may not know about. They use physical tracking devices hidden in or under the car.</p>		\n			<h3>Controlling the victim’s body\n</h3>		\n		<p>Abusers often attempt to control how their victim looks. This may be their clothes, hair, makeup, what they consume in food and liquid, and their level of exercise. Some deny medical attention or medications to their victim. Abusers may make sexual demands. This could be in the frequency of sex, the sexual acts performed, what they do to the victim’s body without seeking permission, such as photos, videos or unprotected sex.</p>		\n			<h3>Restricting victim’s autonomy\n</h3>		\n		<p>We know the abuser want to have control of their victim. This means they may prevent them going to school, university, or work. They may try to remove access to their car or transport, so their victim has their movements restricted and decreases their independence. They may hide their devices, change passwords on their victim’s devices, banking or online accounts.</p>		\n			<h3>Financial control over victim\n</h3>		\n		<p>This removes the victim’s ability to be independent and make their own decisions. It also prevents their ability to leave the relationship. This could be through monitoring victim’s expenditure, enforcing a strict allowance withholding sufficient funds to cover the essentials, not allowing the victim a credit card and hiding money from them.</p>		\n			<h3>Threats and intimidations\n</h3>		\n		<p>These can be threats or intimidation towards the victim’s family, friends, children, pets, or property, and they are used (misused) to keep the victim in line.</p>		\n			<h2>Getting out safely</h2>		\n		<p>Victims need to take care when leaving a coercive controlling abuser. It can be done, yet without care and planning it can be dangerous, or even fatal, to the victim.</p><p>If you are unsure whether you are a victim of coercive control or you need help to leave safely, contact a helpline below:</p><p><b>1800RESPECT</b>: 1800 737 732</p><p><b>Kids Helpline</b>: 1800 55 1800</p><p><b>Lifeline</b>: 13 11 14</p><p>If you, your children, or extended family are in immediate danger, contact 000.</p><p><i>Image source: Shutterstock (1705737463)</i></p>','Coercive Control – What We Need To Look Out For','','inherit','closed','closed','','5233-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 10:55:29','2022-08-26 10:55:29','',5233,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5244',0,'revision','',0),(5245,3,'2022-04-05 10:55:51','2022-04-05 10:55:51','<p>A couple relationship is created by the two unique individuals who are drawn together for various reasons. Whatever the reasons, both individuals make an effort to be impressive, attentive, interesting, caring and thoughtful.</p><p>I know this well. Prior to having children, I remember spending at least an hour to get ready to go out with someone I wanted to impress. My freshly washed hair perfectly in place. Make-up to look natural. My blemishes completely covered up to look as flawless as possible. How indulgent all that feels now. I’d kill to get some of those hours back!</p><p>A dear client recently showed me a photo of an incredible meal he’d prepared for a prospective partner. It looked spectacular. I joked with him to “Show me the same level of meal preparation and detail for her in 2 years’ time!” He laughed at this because deep down he knows, and we all know, that we reveal the best of ourselves to get a relationship over the line. We want to be impressive. We want them to see just how special we are compared to any other potential suitors.</p><p>We can do this by telling stories in a particular way, casually dropping in past awards or revealing our successes. We may name drop, institution drop or degree drop. We may spend time cleaning our car or home more than usual. Paying much more attention to detail than we would for ourselves, as we wouldn’t want them to see us as grubby in any way. We may curtail our emotional reactivity. We don’t want them to see us flip our lid, as we all have a sense just how unattractive that can be.</p><p>We may have more philosophical discussions with them than others we know. We may buy them little gifts or go out of our way to find their favourite gluten free vegan cake. We may like them to see just how kind we are, whilst hiding just how mean we can also be about others – or even ourselves. We may agree with things we don’t truly believe or even go against our own values to keep this show on the road.</p><p>We may be more sexually enticing or seductive. We may spend above our earnings. If there is a huge financial imbalance between us, we may downplay this to make them feel more comfortable or we may show it off and spoil them if we believe this adds to our appeal.</p><p>We all water the garden of our new relationships. And we do this consistently until we both make an individual decision that we are invested in this union for the long haul. This could be when we move in together, a proposal to commit, or a commitment to have kids together. Our couple garden is looking pretty good. Yes, there are some weeds, and sometimes they’re very persistent, but we’ve invested heavily. Sometimes we turn a blind eye to these weeds, even convincing ourselves that a solid commitment will solve the problem.</p><p>So what happens to the watering system when we’ve made the commitment? Well, many partners turn the water pressure down. They stop feeling the need to be as impressive or sexually adventurous, or as attentive as they were before. It doesn’t happen all at once, just bit by bit the watering decreases.</p><p>Then after a period there may be some children on the scene. These wholly dependent beings need the watering and many of us are happy to turn the water pressure up blasting our love, curiosity, devotion, time, and effort in their direction. They need this from us to thrive. They need to be continuously watered.</p><p>And this is where so many unions become unstuck. Partners become lonely, overworked, unseen, or exhausted. Both parenting and being a family unit can be wonderful and satisfying, yet also relentless. Where do these two individuals water themselves? How do they ensure they’re not parched? What do they do about their couple relationship dehydrating?</p><p>So many relationships end up with two partners run ragged with absolutely no individual life anymore. They’re not watering themselves or their relationship. Many partners feel resentment or hostility. Many fight. Many turn away from their partner. Many are stressed or even distressed. They’re immersed in the family, in work, then back to the family, then to sleep. This is on rinse and repeat for years, even decades.</p><p>The biggest mistake I see partners make is they take their eyes off themselves and their relationship. I regularly see the end result. And it can be devastating as one unhappy, lonely, or unfulfilled partner feels a need to open the gruelling door to separation and divorce.</p><p>It’s critical that both partners continue to make some space and time to look after themselves and their relationship. Obviously, it can’t be the same as when we first met. However, I can promise you, from my many years as a therapist – this is not an optional extra. Water is a vital ingredient.</p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (1041153076)</em></p>','Nothing Grows Without Watering – and Certainly Not You or Your Relationship','','publish','open','open','','nothing-grows-without-watering-and-certainly-not-you-or-your-relationship','','','2022-08-26 11:00:40','2022-08-26 11:00:40','',0,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5245',0,'post','',0),(5246,3,'2022-08-26 10:59:16','2022-08-26 10:59:16','','Young,Couple,Planting,The,Tree,While,Watering,A,Tree,Working','','inherit','open','closed','','youngcoupleplantingthetreewhilewateringatreeworking','','','2022-08-26 10:59:16','2022-08-26 10:59:16','',5245,'http://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/shutterstock_1041153076.jpg',0,'attachment','image/jpeg',0),(5247,3,'2022-08-26 10:59:28','2022-08-26 10:59:28','Recently I finished watching the 3-part series by investigative journalist, Jess Hill, called ‘See what you made me do’. The documentary title is taken from the comment made by many perpetrators of domestic abuse who blame their victim – their current or ex-partner – for the violence they have inflicted upon them. The implication is “if you hadn’t made me angry by doing or saying that, then I wouldn’t have treated you so violently.”\r\n\r\nMany of us are horrified when we read about the latest woman murdered by someone she had been with. Fifteen minutes ago, my partner told me of another woman killed, along with her 6-year-old child. Both were stabbed to death. Her 10-year-old child managed to run away, and I can only imagine the horrific Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) she will have. Like so many victims, she had tried to enlist the help of the police. Her killer was known to them, he was in their computer system.\r\n\r\nHill’s documentary outlines the complexity of domestic violence. What became clear is that we usually hear about the abuse via the media when a shocking incident, like a woman’s murder (and possibly her children as well), has taken place. However, this type of incident is just the tip of the iceberg. Prior to this, women have experienced another form of abuse called <strong>coercive control</strong>.\r\n\r\n<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */<br />\r\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style>\r\n<h2>What is Coercive Control?</h2>\r\nThis is a form of abuse that involves a pattern of behaviours fostering a power imbalance to control one’s partner. These behaviours involve frightening, intimidating, and manipulating one’s victim leaving them terrified, dependent on their abuser, and also isolated from others.\r\n<h2>What are The Signs of Coercive Control?</h2>\r\n<h3>Degrading partner’s sense of self or self-esteem</h3>\r\nThis can be via insults, name calling, belittling, or bullying them. They chip away at their victim continuously reducing their <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/2022/01/28/what-would-my-best-self-do/\"><strong>self-worth</strong></a> until they feel worthless. This makes it harder for the victim to leave as they believe they have no value and no-one else would want them.\r\n<h3>Jealous or possessive behaviour</h3>\r\nWithout them knowing or admitting it, an abuser is extremely fragile and fearful of their partner choosing to leave them or choosing to be with someone else. They are often possessive and jealous, wanting their victim to themselves. Abusers often control and manipulate their victim by frequently accusing them of cheating. Victims often alter their choices to not upset their abuser or not feel guilty about doing the wrong thing by their abuser.\r\n<h3>Isolating the victim from others</h3>\r\nA coercively controlling partner will try to isolate their victim from those closest to them. They may try to separate their victim by having them move away from their social and support network. They may tell lies about the victim’s network or fabricate lies to the network, so they cut the victim off. They don’t want their victim to talk to others about what’s happening in the relationship and want to always have control. They can even stop their victims from engaging in school or work.\r\n<h3>Monitoring activity</h3>\r\nCoercive control often involves constant monitoring of their victim. They may want their victim to feel their watchful presence or be secretive about it. This could be through social media, emails, phone messages or sophisticated spying software or generic mobile phone tracking devices. They may stalk their victim by following them or using voice recorders or cameras in the home or car that the victim may or may not know about. They use physical tracking devices hidden in or under the car.\r\n<h3>Controlling the victim’s body</h3>\r\nAbusers often attempt to control how their victim looks. This may be their clothes, hair, makeup, what they consume in food and liquid, and their level of exercise. Some deny medical attention or medications to their victim. Abusers may make sexual demands. This could be in the frequency of sex, the sexual acts performed, what they do to the victim’s body without seeking permission, such as photos, videos or unprotected sex.\r\n<h3>Restricting victim’s autonomy</h3>\r\nWe know the abuser want to have control of their victim. This means they may prevent them going to school, university, or work. They may try to remove access to their car or transport, so their victim has their movements restricted and decreases their independence. They may hide their devices, change passwords on their victim’s devices, banking or online accounts.\r\n<h3>Financial control over victim</h3>\r\nThis removes the victim’s ability to be independent and make their own decisions. It also prevents their ability to leave the relationship. This could be through monitoring victim’s expenditure, enforcing a strict allowance withholding sufficient funds to cover the essentials, not allowing the victim a credit card and hiding money from them.\r\n<h3>Threats and intimidations</h3>\r\nThese can be threats or intimidation towards the victim’s family, friends, children, pets, or property, and they are used (misused) to keep the victim in line.\r\n<h2>Getting out safely</h2>\r\nVictims need to take care when leaving a coercive controlling abuser. It can be done, yet without care and planning it can be dangerous, or even fatal, to the victim.\r\n\r\nIf you are unsure whether you are a victim of coercive control or you need help to leave safely, contact a helpline below:\r\n\r\n<b>1800RESPECT</b>: 1800 737 732\r\n\r\n<b>Kids Helpline</b>: 1800 55 1800\r\n\r\n<b>Lifeline</b>: 13 11 14\r\n\r\nIf you, your children, or extended family are in immediate danger, contact 000.\r\n\r\n<i>Image source: Shutterstock (1705737463)</i>','Nothing Grows Without Watering – and Certainly Not You or Your Relationship','','inherit','closed','closed','','5245-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 10:59:28','2022-08-26 10:59:28','',5245,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5247',0,'revision','',0),(5248,3,'2022-08-26 11:00:40','2022-08-26 11:00:40','Recently I finished watching the 3-part series by investigative journalist, Jess Hill, called ‘See what you made me do’. The documentary title is taken from the comment made by many perpetrators of domestic abuse who blame their victim – their current or ex-partner – for the violence they have inflicted upon them. The implication is “if you hadn’t made me angry by doing or saying that, then I wouldn’t have treated you so violently.”\r\n\r\nMany of us are horrified when we read about the latest woman murdered by someone she had been with. Fifteen minutes ago, my partner told me of another woman killed, along with her 6-year-old child. Both were stabbed to death. Her 10-year-old child managed to run away, and I can only imagine the horrific Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) she will have. Like so many victims, she had tried to enlist the help of the police. Her killer was known to them, he was in their computer system.\r\n\r\nHill’s documentary outlines the complexity of domestic violence. What became clear is that we usually hear about the abuse via the media when a shocking incident, like a woman’s murder (and possibly her children as well), has taken place. However, this type of incident is just the tip of the iceberg. Prior to this, women have experienced another form of abuse called <strong>coercive control</strong>.\r\n\r\n<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */<br />\r\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style>\r\n<h2>What is Coercive Control?</h2>\r\nThis is a form of abuse that involves a pattern of behaviours fostering a power imbalance to control one’s partner. These behaviours involve frightening, intimidating, and manipulating one’s victim leaving them terrified, dependent on their abuser, and also isolated from others.\r\n<h2>What are The Signs of Coercive Control?</h2>\r\n<h3>Degrading partner’s sense of self or self-esteem</h3>\r\nThis can be via insults, name calling, belittling, or bullying them. They chip away at their victim continuously reducing their <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/2022/01/28/what-would-my-best-self-do/\"><strong>self-worth</strong></a> until they feel worthless. This makes it harder for the victim to leave as they believe they have no value and no-one else would want them.\r\n<h3>Jealous or possessive behaviour</h3>\r\nWithout them knowing or admitting it, an abuser is extremely fragile and fearful of their partner choosing to leave them or choosing to be with someone else. They are often possessive and jealous, wanting their victim to themselves. Abusers often control and manipulate their victim by frequently accusing them of cheating. Victims often alter their choices to not upset their abuser or not feel guilty about doing the wrong thing by their abuser.\r\n<h3>Isolating the victim from others</h3>\r\nA coercively controlling partner will try to isolate their victim from those closest to them. They may try to separate their victim by having them move away from their social and support network. They may tell lies about the victim’s network or fabricate lies to the network, so they cut the victim off. They don’t want their victim to talk to others about what’s happening in the relationship and want to always have control. They can even stop their victims from engaging in school or work.\r\n<h3>Monitoring activity</h3>\r\nCoercive control often involves constant monitoring of their victim. They may want their victim to feel their watchful presence or be secretive about it. This could be through social media, emails, phone messages or sophisticated spying software or generic mobile phone tracking devices. They may stalk their victim by following them or using voice recorders or cameras in the home or car that the victim may or may not know about. They use physical tracking devices hidden in or under the car.\r\n<h3>Controlling the victim’s body</h3>\r\nAbusers often attempt to control how their victim looks. This may be their clothes, hair, makeup, what they consume in food and liquid, and their level of exercise. Some deny medical attention or medications to their victim. Abusers may make sexual demands. This could be in the frequency of sex, the sexual acts performed, what they do to the victim’s body without seeking permission, such as photos, videos or unprotected sex.\r\n<h3>Restricting victim’s autonomy</h3>\r\nWe know the abuser want to have control of their victim. This means they may prevent them going to school, university, or work. They may try to remove access to their car or transport, so their victim has their movements restricted and decreases their independence. They may hide their devices, change passwords on their victim’s devices, banking or online accounts.\r\n<h3>Financial control over victim</h3>\r\nThis removes the victim’s ability to be independent and make their own decisions. It also prevents their ability to leave the relationship. This could be through monitoring victim’s expenditure, enforcing a strict allowance withholding sufficient funds to cover the essentials, not allowing the victim a credit card and hiding money from them.\r\n<h3>Threats and intimidations</h3>\r\nThese can be threats or intimidation towards the victim’s family, friends, children, pets, or property, and they are used (misused) to keep the victim in line.\r\n<h2>Getting out safely</h2>\r\nVictims need to take care when leaving a coercive controlling abuser. It can be done, yet without care and planning it can be dangerous, or even fatal, to the victim.\r\n\r\nIf you are unsure whether you are a victim of coercive control or you need help to leave safely, contact a helpline below:\r\n\r\n<b>1800RESPECT</b>: 1800 737 732\r\n\r\n<b>Kids Helpline</b>: 1800 55 1800\r\n\r\n<b>Lifeline</b>: 13 11 14\r\n\r\nIf you, your children, or extended family are in immediate danger, contact 000.\r\n\r\n<i>Image source: Shutterstock (1705737463)</i>','Nothing Grows Without Watering – and Certainly Not You or Your Relationship','','inherit','closed','closed','','5245-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 11:00:40','2022-08-26 11:00:40','',5245,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5248',0,'revision','',0),(5249,3,'2022-08-26 11:00:40','2022-08-26 11:00:40','Recently I finished watching the 3-part series by investigative journalist, Jess Hill, called ‘See what you made me do’. The documentary title is taken from the comment made by many perpetrators of domestic abuse who blame their victim – their current or ex-partner – for the violence they have inflicted upon them. The implication is “if you hadn’t made me angry by doing or saying that, then I wouldn’t have treated you so violently.”\r\n\r\nMany of us are horrified when we read about the latest woman murdered by someone she had been with. Fifteen minutes ago, my partner told me of another woman killed, along with her 6-year-old child. Both were stabbed to death. Her 10-year-old child managed to run away, and I can only imagine the horrific Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) she will have. Like so many victims, she had tried to enlist the help of the police. Her killer was known to them, he was in their computer system.\r\n\r\nHill’s documentary outlines the complexity of domestic violence. What became clear is that we usually hear about the abuse via the media when a shocking incident, like a woman’s murder (and possibly her children as well), has taken place. However, this type of incident is just the tip of the iceberg. Prior to this, women have experienced another form of abuse called <strong>coercive control</strong>.\r\n\r\n<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */<br />\r\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style>\r\n<h2>What is Coercive Control?</h2>\r\nThis is a form of abuse that involves a pattern of behaviours fostering a power imbalance to control one’s partner. These behaviours involve frightening, intimidating, and manipulating one’s victim leaving them terrified, dependent on their abuser, and also isolated from others.\r\n<h2>What are The Signs of Coercive Control?</h2>\r\n<h3>Degrading partner’s sense of self or self-esteem</h3>\r\nThis can be via insults, name calling, belittling, or bullying them. They chip away at their victim continuously reducing their <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/2022/01/28/what-would-my-best-self-do/\"><strong>self-worth</strong></a> until they feel worthless. This makes it harder for the victim to leave as they believe they have no value and no-one else would want them.\r\n<h3>Jealous or possessive behaviour</h3>\r\nWithout them knowing or admitting it, an abuser is extremely fragile and fearful of their partner choosing to leave them or choosing to be with someone else. They are often possessive and jealous, wanting their victim to themselves. Abusers often control and manipulate their victim by frequently accusing them of cheating. Victims often alter their choices to not upset their abuser or not feel guilty about doing the wrong thing by their abuser.\r\n<h3>Isolating the victim from others</h3>\r\nA coercively controlling partner will try to isolate their victim from those closest to them. They may try to separate their victim by having them move away from their social and support network. They may tell lies about the victim’s network or fabricate lies to the network, so they cut the victim off. They don’t want their victim to talk to others about what’s happening in the relationship and want to always have control. They can even stop their victims from engaging in school or work.\r\n<h3>Monitoring activity</h3>\r\nCoercive control often involves constant monitoring of their victim. They may want their victim to feel their watchful presence or be secretive about it. This could be through social media, emails, phone messages or sophisticated spying software or generic mobile phone tracking devices. They may stalk their victim by following them or using voice recorders or cameras in the home or car that the victim may or may not know about. They use physical tracking devices hidden in or under the car.\r\n<h3>Controlling the victim’s body</h3>\r\nAbusers often attempt to control how their victim looks. This may be their clothes, hair, makeup, what they consume in food and liquid, and their level of exercise. Some deny medical attention or medications to their victim. Abusers may make sexual demands. This could be in the frequency of sex, the sexual acts performed, what they do to the victim’s body without seeking permission, such as photos, videos or unprotected sex.\r\n<h3>Restricting victim’s autonomy</h3>\r\nWe know the abuser want to have control of their victim. This means they may prevent them going to school, university, or work. They may try to remove access to their car or transport, so their victim has their movements restricted and decreases their independence. They may hide their devices, change passwords on their victim’s devices, banking or online accounts.\r\n<h3>Financial control over victim</h3>\r\nThis removes the victim’s ability to be independent and make their own decisions. It also prevents their ability to leave the relationship. This could be through monitoring victim’s expenditure, enforcing a strict allowance withholding sufficient funds to cover the essentials, not allowing the victim a credit card and hiding money from them.\r\n<h3>Threats and intimidations</h3>\r\nThese can be threats or intimidation towards the victim’s family, friends, children, pets, or property, and they are used (misused) to keep the victim in line.\r\n<h2>Getting out safely</h2>\r\nVictims need to take care when leaving a coercive controlling abuser. It can be done, yet without care and planning it can be dangerous, or even fatal, to the victim.\r\n\r\nIf you are unsure whether you are a victim of coercive control or you need help to leave safely, contact a helpline below:\r\n\r\n<b>1800RESPECT</b>: 1800 737 732\r\n\r\n<b>Kids Helpline</b>: 1800 55 1800\r\n\r\n<b>Lifeline</b>: 13 11 14\r\n\r\nIf you, your children, or extended family are in immediate danger, contact 000.\r\n\r\n<i>Image source: Shutterstock (1705737463)</i>','Nothing Grows Without Watering – and Certainly Not You or Your Relationship','','inherit','closed','closed','','5245-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 11:00:40','2022-08-26 11:00:40','',5245,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5249',0,'revision','',0),(5250,3,'2022-08-26 11:00:40','2022-08-26 11:00:40','<p>A couple relationship is created by the two unique individuals who are drawn together for various reasons. Whatever the reasons, both individuals make an effort to be impressive, attentive, interesting, caring and thoughtful.</p><p>I know this well. Prior to having children, I remember spending at least an hour to get ready to go out with someone I wanted to impress. My freshly washed hair perfectly in place. Make-up to look natural. My blemishes completely covered up to look as flawless as possible. How indulgent all that feels now. I’d kill to get some of those hours back!</p><p>A dear client recently showed me a photo of an incredible meal he’d prepared for a prospective partner. It looked spectacular. I joked with him to “Show me the same level of meal preparation and detail for her in 2 years’ time!” He laughed at this because deep down he knows, and we all know, that we reveal the best of ourselves to get a relationship over the line. We want to be impressive. We want them to see just how special we are compared to any other potential suitors.</p><p>We can do this by telling stories in a particular way, casually dropping in past awards or revealing our successes. We may name drop, institution drop or degree drop. We may spend time cleaning our car or home more than usual. Paying much more attention to detail than we would for ourselves, as we wouldn’t want them to see us as grubby in any way. We may curtail our emotional reactivity. We don’t want them to see us flip our lid, as we all have a sense just how unattractive that can be.</p><p>We may have more philosophical discussions with them than others we know. We may buy them little gifts or go out of our way to find their favourite gluten free vegan cake. We may like them to see just how kind we are, whilst hiding just how mean we can also be about others – or even ourselves. We may agree with things we don’t truly believe or even go against our own values to keep this show on the road.</p><p>We may be more sexually enticing or seductive. We may spend above our earnings. If there is a huge financial imbalance between us, we may downplay this to make them feel more comfortable or we may show it off and spoil them if we believe this adds to our appeal.</p><p>We all water the garden of our new relationships. And we do this consistently until we both make an individual decision that we are invested in this union for the long haul. This could be when we move in together, a proposal to commit, or a commitment to have kids together. Our couple garden is looking pretty good. Yes, there are some weeds, and sometimes they’re very persistent, but we’ve invested heavily. Sometimes we turn a blind eye to these weeds, even convincing ourselves that a solid commitment will solve the problem.</p><p>So what happens to the watering system when we’ve made the commitment? Well, many partners turn the water pressure down. They stop feeling the need to be as impressive or sexually adventurous, or as attentive as they were before. It doesn’t happen all at once, just bit by bit the watering decreases.</p><p>Then after a period there may be some children on the scene. These wholly dependent beings need the watering and many of us are happy to turn the water pressure up blasting our love, curiosity, devotion, time, and effort in their direction. They need this from us to thrive. They need to be continuously watered.</p><p>And this is where so many unions become unstuck. Partners become lonely, overworked, unseen, or exhausted. Both parenting and being a family unit can be wonderful and satisfying, yet also relentless. Where do these two individuals water themselves? How do they ensure they’re not parched? What do they do about their couple relationship dehydrating?</p><p>So many relationships end up with two partners run ragged with absolutely no individual life anymore. They’re not watering themselves or their relationship. Many partners feel resentment or hostility. Many fight. Many turn away from their partner. Many are stressed or even distressed. They’re immersed in the family, in work, then back to the family, then to sleep. This is on rinse and repeat for years, even decades.</p><p>The biggest mistake I see partners make is they take their eyes off themselves and their relationship. I regularly see the end result. And it can be devastating as one unhappy, lonely, or unfulfilled partner feels a need to open the gruelling door to separation and divorce.</p><p>It’s critical that both partners continue to make some space and time to look after themselves and their relationship. Obviously, it can’t be the same as when we first met. However, I can promise you, from my many years as a therapist – this is not an optional extra. Water is a vital ingredient.</p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (1041153076)</em></p>','Nothing Grows Without Watering – and Certainly Not You or Your Relationship','','inherit','closed','closed','','5245-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 11:00:40','2022-08-26 11:00:40','',5245,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5250',0,'revision','',0),(5251,3,'2022-04-12 11:01:06','2022-04-12 11:01:06','<p>Nicolai and Maja have been together for 8 years. They were on a date, where they had just finished a walk together on their favourite beach and were now heading to their local juice bar. As they sat down Nicolai raised the topic of which school their daughter should go to next year. This was a hot topic for this couple as Nicolai strongly believed she should go to a private Catholic school like he did, whereas Maja believed in the public system and wanted their daughter to mix with children offering greater diversity of backgrounds, just as she had.</p><p>These conversations haven’t been going well between them and often ended in conflict. Maja becomes rather strident in her views and reiterates her view of the matter over and over. Nicolai lowers his voice and grits his teeth, holding his jaw in a tight lock. This is experienced by Maja as aggressive. Sometimes she tells him to stop making that face, but mostly she feels she just needs to get away from him.</p><p>If they’re at home, she quickly goes to another room or leaves the house. In the past, she’s left Nicolai in restaurants, where he’s sat not knowing if she’s returning or not. Now they’re in the juice bar and Nicolai’s voice is lowering and his jaw is setting into the tight position. Within a micro-second she’s up off her seat and walking briskly to their car. She’s relieved she’s the one with the car keys.</p><p>What is going on for this couple?</p><p><strong>Our history shows itself in the stories we create</strong></p><p>Our past relationships with parents, siblings, and past partners play a huge role in shaping our minds and determining how we view couple relationships. This has been through direct experiences with them and how they’ve treated us, and also through them teaching or guiding us with narratives about couple relationships.</p><p>These experiences shape how we feel a partner should behave and what is expected of them in our relationship. Our mind holds this information as relationship boundaries and rules, with plenty of statements of shoulds and shouldn’ts. Some of this information is conscious and known to us, like these rules. Some of it is held unconsciously, without our awareness. We can’t recall this information.</p><p>The way our mind has been shaped regarding relationships will also shape our ego-based stories we tell ourselves and others about relationships. We create stories about our experiences in the world from the minute we wake up until we go to sleep. We create stories about ourselves, others, and situations. We especially love to create stories about our partner and our relationship.</p><p>The type of story our ego creates is often based on our earlier experiences. The problem is that we often treat the stories as facts. Our ego can be loving, kind and compassionate. It can also be a dictator or a tyrant. We may behave as if we have the moral high ground over our partner, that we know more about relationships than they do, or judge them for not communicating or relating to us in a way that we appreciate.</p><p>Our ego can be fearful and quite fragile, and it’s always on the lookout for safety or internal or external changes where we may feel less safe. This becomes problematic in couple relationships as partners are the ones most likely to provoke each other’s fragile ego. Partners then create stories about themselves, each other and the relationship based on how their minds have been shaped.</p><p> What does Nicolai’s mind construct when he’s sitting alone after being walked out on by Maja? How does his history shape the story he tells himself? These are just a few possibilities...</p>		\n			<link rel=\"stylesheet\" href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/plugins/elementor/assets/css/widget-icon-list.min.css\">		<ul>\n							<li>\n										If Nicolai’s parents had a peaceful relationship, he may create a story of how Maja’s childhood was difficult, and they’ll work it out when he gets home.\n									</li>\n								<li>\n										If Nicolai’s parents had a lot of conflict, he may create anxious stories, even dread, and hopelessness about his relationship with Maja.\n									</li>\n								<li>\n										If Nicolai’s parents separated, he may construct stories about Maja being “just like” Mum or Dad in some unattractive way, and how he might want to leave her. Or he could construct stories about Maja wanting to leave him.\n									</li>\n								<li>\n										If Nicolai felt alone or lonely in his family growing up, he may create stories of sadness and loneliness with Maja and how she doesn’t really understand him.\n									</li>\n						</ul>\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>		\n		<p>Can you see how the historical lens shapes the different stories Nicolai tells himself? Of course, there could be many other stories told.</p><p>So, let’s look at possibilities for Maja’s historical lens for the stories she creates as she flees the juice bar. What stories does Maja’s mind construct as she drives home alone?</p>		\n					<ul>\n							<li>\n										If Maja grew up with a parent who had angry outbursts, she may anxiously tell herself that Nicolai’s lowered voice and clenched jaw is so aggressive, and she can’t tolerate it anymore.\n									</li>\n								<li>\n										If Maja had a parent who was emotionally dysregulated and frightening, she may create stories of Nicolai’s lowered voice and clenched jaw being frightening.\n									</li>\n								<li>\n										If Maja’s parents separated, she may tell herself that he’s not good enough for her, and/or even that she needs to end the relationship.\n									</li>\n								<li>\n										If Maja’s parents didn’t listen to each other, she may tell herself that Nicolai is disrespectful and selfish.\n									</li>\n						</ul>\n		<p>We all need to understand our own historical lens and how it influences the stories our ego constructs. If we don’t, we treat the stories as a fact, and that can spell danger for our relationships.</p><p><em>Image Source: Shutterstock (743858932)</em></p>','Our History Impacts Our View of Our Relationship','','publish','open','open','','our-history-impacts-our-view-of-our-relationships','','','2022-08-26 11:12:17','2022-08-26 11:12:17','',0,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5251',0,'post','',0),(5252,3,'2022-08-26 11:04:05','2022-08-26 11:04:05','','Cropped,Image,Of,Beautiful,Couple,Holding,Hands,While,Resting,On','','inherit','open','closed','','croppedimageofbeautifulcoupleholdinghandswhilerestingon','','','2022-08-26 11:04:05','2022-08-26 11:04:05','',5251,'http://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/shutterstock_743858932.jpg',0,'attachment','image/jpeg',0),(5253,3,'2022-08-26 11:04:11','2022-08-26 11:04:11','A couple relationship is created by the two unique individuals who are drawn together for various reasons. Whatever the reasons, both individuals make an effort to be impressive, attentive, interesting, caring and thoughtful.\r\n\r\nI know this well. Prior to having children, I remember spending at least an hour to get ready to go out with someone I wanted to impress. My freshly washed hair perfectly in place. Make-up to look natural. My blemishes completely covered up to look as flawless as possible. How indulgent all that feels now. I’d kill to get some of those hours back!\r\n\r\nA dear client recently showed me a photo of an incredible meal he’d prepared for a prospective partner. It looked spectacular. I joked with him to “Show me the same level of meal preparation and detail for her in 2 years’ time!” He laughed at this because deep down he knows, and we all know, that we reveal the best of ourselves to get a relationship over the line. We want to be impressive. We want them to see just how special we are compared to any other potential suitors.\r\n\r\nWe can do this by telling stories in a particular way, casually dropping in past awards or revealing our successes. We may name drop, institution drop or degree drop. We may spend time cleaning our car or home more than usual. Paying much more attention to detail than we would for ourselves, as we wouldn’t want them to see us as grubby in any way. We may curtail our emotional reactivity. We don’t want them to see us flip our lid, as we all have a sense just how unattractive that can be.\r\n\r\nWe may have more philosophical discussions with them than others we know. We may buy them little gifts or go out of our way to find their favourite gluten free vegan cake. We may like them to see just how kind we are, whilst hiding just how mean we can also be about others – or even ourselves. We may agree with things we don’t truly believe or even go against our own values to keep this show on the road.\r\n\r\nWe may be more sexually enticing or seductive. We may spend above our earnings. If there is a huge financial imbalance between us, we may downplay this to make them feel more comfortable or we may show it off and spoil them if we believe this adds to our appeal.\r\n\r\nWe all water the garden of our new relationships. And we do this consistently until we both make an individual decision that we are invested in this union for the long haul. This could be when we move in together, a proposal to commit, or a commitment to have kids together. Our couple garden is looking pretty good. Yes, there are some weeds, and sometimes they’re very persistent, but we’ve invested heavily. Sometimes we turn a blind eye to these weeds, even convincing ourselves that a solid commitment will solve the problem.\r\n\r\nSo what happens to the watering system when we’ve made the commitment? Well, many partners turn the water pressure down. They stop feeling the need to be as impressive or sexually adventurous, or as attentive as they were before. It doesn’t happen all at once, just bit by bit the watering decreases.\r\n\r\nThen after a period there may be some children on the scene. These wholly dependent beings need the watering and many of us are happy to turn the water pressure up blasting our love, curiosity, devotion, time, and effort in their direction. They need this from us to thrive. They need to be continuously watered.\r\n\r\nAnd this is where so many unions become unstuck. Partners become lonely, overworked, unseen, or exhausted. Both parenting and being a family unit can be wonderful and satisfying, yet also relentless. Where do these two individuals water themselves? How do they ensure they’re not parched? What do they do about their couple relationship dehydrating?\r\n\r\nSo many relationships end up with two partners run ragged with absolutely no individual life anymore. They’re not watering themselves or their relationship. Many partners feel resentment or hostility. Many fight. Many turn away from their partner. Many are stressed or even distressed. They’re immersed in the family, in work, then back to the family, then to sleep. This is on rinse and repeat for years, even decades.\r\n\r\nThe biggest mistake I see partners make is they take their eyes off themselves and their relationship. I regularly see the end result. And it can be devastating as one unhappy, lonely, or unfulfilled partner feels a need to open the gruelling door to separation and divorce.\r\n\r\nIt’s critical that both partners continue to make some space and time to look after themselves and their relationship. Obviously, it can’t be the same as when we first met. However, I can promise you, from my many years as a therapist – this is not an optional extra. Water is a vital ingredient.\r\n\r\n<em>Image source: Shutterstock (1041153076)</em>','Our History Impacts Our View of Our Relationship','','inherit','closed','closed','','5251-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 11:04:11','2022-08-26 11:04:11','',5251,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5253',0,'revision','',0),(5254,3,'2022-08-26 11:12:17','2022-08-26 11:12:17','A couple relationship is created by the two unique individuals who are drawn together for various reasons. Whatever the reasons, both individuals make an effort to be impressive, attentive, interesting, caring and thoughtful.\r\n\r\nI know this well. Prior to having children, I remember spending at least an hour to get ready to go out with someone I wanted to impress. My freshly washed hair perfectly in place. Make-up to look natural. My blemishes completely covered up to look as flawless as possible. How indulgent all that feels now. I’d kill to get some of those hours back!\r\n\r\nA dear client recently showed me a photo of an incredible meal he’d prepared for a prospective partner. It looked spectacular. I joked with him to “Show me the same level of meal preparation and detail for her in 2 years’ time!” He laughed at this because deep down he knows, and we all know, that we reveal the best of ourselves to get a relationship over the line. We want to be impressive. We want them to see just how special we are compared to any other potential suitors.\r\n\r\nWe can do this by telling stories in a particular way, casually dropping in past awards or revealing our successes. We may name drop, institution drop or degree drop. We may spend time cleaning our car or home more than usual. Paying much more attention to detail than we would for ourselves, as we wouldn’t want them to see us as grubby in any way. We may curtail our emotional reactivity. We don’t want them to see us flip our lid, as we all have a sense just how unattractive that can be.\r\n\r\nWe may have more philosophical discussions with them than others we know. We may buy them little gifts or go out of our way to find their favourite gluten free vegan cake. We may like them to see just how kind we are, whilst hiding just how mean we can also be about others – or even ourselves. We may agree with things we don’t truly believe or even go against our own values to keep this show on the road.\r\n\r\nWe may be more sexually enticing or seductive. We may spend above our earnings. If there is a huge financial imbalance between us, we may downplay this to make them feel more comfortable or we may show it off and spoil them if we believe this adds to our appeal.\r\n\r\nWe all water the garden of our new relationships. And we do this consistently until we both make an individual decision that we are invested in this union for the long haul. This could be when we move in together, a proposal to commit, or a commitment to have kids together. Our couple garden is looking pretty good. Yes, there are some weeds, and sometimes they’re very persistent, but we’ve invested heavily. Sometimes we turn a blind eye to these weeds, even convincing ourselves that a solid commitment will solve the problem.\r\n\r\nSo what happens to the watering system when we’ve made the commitment? Well, many partners turn the water pressure down. They stop feeling the need to be as impressive or sexually adventurous, or as attentive as they were before. It doesn’t happen all at once, just bit by bit the watering decreases.\r\n\r\nThen after a period there may be some children on the scene. These wholly dependent beings need the watering and many of us are happy to turn the water pressure up blasting our love, curiosity, devotion, time, and effort in their direction. They need this from us to thrive. They need to be continuously watered.\r\n\r\nAnd this is where so many unions become unstuck. Partners become lonely, overworked, unseen, or exhausted. Both parenting and being a family unit can be wonderful and satisfying, yet also relentless. Where do these two individuals water themselves? How do they ensure they’re not parched? What do they do about their couple relationship dehydrating?\r\n\r\nSo many relationships end up with two partners run ragged with absolutely no individual life anymore. They’re not watering themselves or their relationship. Many partners feel resentment or hostility. Many fight. Many turn away from their partner. Many are stressed or even distressed. They’re immersed in the family, in work, then back to the family, then to sleep. This is on rinse and repeat for years, even decades.\r\n\r\nThe biggest mistake I see partners make is they take their eyes off themselves and their relationship. I regularly see the end result. And it can be devastating as one unhappy, lonely, or unfulfilled partner feels a need to open the gruelling door to separation and divorce.\r\n\r\nIt’s critical that both partners continue to make some space and time to look after themselves and their relationship. Obviously, it can’t be the same as when we first met. However, I can promise you, from my many years as a therapist – this is not an optional extra. Water is a vital ingredient.\r\n\r\n<em>Image source: Shutterstock (1041153076)</em>','Our History Impacts Our View of Our Relationship','','inherit','closed','closed','','5251-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 11:12:17','2022-08-26 11:12:17','',5251,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5254',0,'revision','',0),(5255,3,'2022-08-26 11:12:17','2022-08-26 11:12:17','A couple relationship is created by the two unique individuals who are drawn together for various reasons. Whatever the reasons, both individuals make an effort to be impressive, attentive, interesting, caring and thoughtful.\r\n\r\nI know this well. Prior to having children, I remember spending at least an hour to get ready to go out with someone I wanted to impress. My freshly washed hair perfectly in place. Make-up to look natural. My blemishes completely covered up to look as flawless as possible. How indulgent all that feels now. I’d kill to get some of those hours back!\r\n\r\nA dear client recently showed me a photo of an incredible meal he’d prepared for a prospective partner. It looked spectacular. I joked with him to “Show me the same level of meal preparation and detail for her in 2 years’ time!” He laughed at this because deep down he knows, and we all know, that we reveal the best of ourselves to get a relationship over the line. We want to be impressive. We want them to see just how special we are compared to any other potential suitors.\r\n\r\nWe can do this by telling stories in a particular way, casually dropping in past awards or revealing our successes. We may name drop, institution drop or degree drop. We may spend time cleaning our car or home more than usual. Paying much more attention to detail than we would for ourselves, as we wouldn’t want them to see us as grubby in any way. We may curtail our emotional reactivity. We don’t want them to see us flip our lid, as we all have a sense just how unattractive that can be.\r\n\r\nWe may have more philosophical discussions with them than others we know. We may buy them little gifts or go out of our way to find their favourite gluten free vegan cake. We may like them to see just how kind we are, whilst hiding just how mean we can also be about others – or even ourselves. We may agree with things we don’t truly believe or even go against our own values to keep this show on the road.\r\n\r\nWe may be more sexually enticing or seductive. We may spend above our earnings. If there is a huge financial imbalance between us, we may downplay this to make them feel more comfortable or we may show it off and spoil them if we believe this adds to our appeal.\r\n\r\nWe all water the garden of our new relationships. And we do this consistently until we both make an individual decision that we are invested in this union for the long haul. This could be when we move in together, a proposal to commit, or a commitment to have kids together. Our couple garden is looking pretty good. Yes, there are some weeds, and sometimes they’re very persistent, but we’ve invested heavily. Sometimes we turn a blind eye to these weeds, even convincing ourselves that a solid commitment will solve the problem.\r\n\r\nSo what happens to the watering system when we’ve made the commitment? Well, many partners turn the water pressure down. They stop feeling the need to be as impressive or sexually adventurous, or as attentive as they were before. It doesn’t happen all at once, just bit by bit the watering decreases.\r\n\r\nThen after a period there may be some children on the scene. These wholly dependent beings need the watering and many of us are happy to turn the water pressure up blasting our love, curiosity, devotion, time, and effort in their direction. They need this from us to thrive. They need to be continuously watered.\r\n\r\nAnd this is where so many unions become unstuck. Partners become lonely, overworked, unseen, or exhausted. Both parenting and being a family unit can be wonderful and satisfying, yet also relentless. Where do these two individuals water themselves? How do they ensure they’re not parched? What do they do about their couple relationship dehydrating?\r\n\r\nSo many relationships end up with two partners run ragged with absolutely no individual life anymore. They’re not watering themselves or their relationship. Many partners feel resentment or hostility. Many fight. Many turn away from their partner. Many are stressed or even distressed. They’re immersed in the family, in work, then back to the family, then to sleep. This is on rinse and repeat for years, even decades.\r\n\r\nThe biggest mistake I see partners make is they take their eyes off themselves and their relationship. I regularly see the end result. And it can be devastating as one unhappy, lonely, or unfulfilled partner feels a need to open the gruelling door to separation and divorce.\r\n\r\nIt’s critical that both partners continue to make some space and time to look after themselves and their relationship. Obviously, it can’t be the same as when we first met. However, I can promise you, from my many years as a therapist – this is not an optional extra. Water is a vital ingredient.\r\n\r\n<em>Image source: Shutterstock (1041153076)</em>','Our History Impacts Our View of Our Relationship','','inherit','closed','closed','','5251-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 11:12:17','2022-08-26 11:12:17','',5251,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5255',0,'revision','',0),(5256,3,'2022-08-26 11:12:17','2022-08-26 11:12:17','<p>Nicolai and Maja have been together for 8 years. They were on a date, where they had just finished a walk together on their favourite beach and were now heading to their local juice bar. As they sat down Nicolai raised the topic of which school their daughter should go to next year. This was a hot topic for this couple as Nicolai strongly believed she should go to a private Catholic school like he did, whereas Maja believed in the public system and wanted their daughter to mix with children offering greater diversity of backgrounds, just as she had.</p><p>These conversations haven’t been going well between them and often ended in conflict. Maja becomes rather strident in her views and reiterates her view of the matter over and over. Nicolai lowers his voice and grits his teeth, holding his jaw in a tight lock. This is experienced by Maja as aggressive. Sometimes she tells him to stop making that face, but mostly she feels she just needs to get away from him.</p><p>If they’re at home, she quickly goes to another room or leaves the house. In the past, she’s left Nicolai in restaurants, where he’s sat not knowing if she’s returning or not. Now they’re in the juice bar and Nicolai’s voice is lowering and his jaw is setting into the tight position. Within a micro-second she’s up off her seat and walking briskly to their car. She’s relieved she’s the one with the car keys.</p><p>What is going on for this couple?</p><p><strong>Our history shows itself in the stories we create</strong></p><p>Our past relationships with parents, siblings, and past partners play a huge role in shaping our minds and determining how we view couple relationships. This has been through direct experiences with them and how they’ve treated us, and also through them teaching or guiding us with narratives about couple relationships.</p><p>These experiences shape how we feel a partner should behave and what is expected of them in our relationship. Our mind holds this information as relationship boundaries and rules, with plenty of statements of shoulds and shouldn’ts. Some of this information is conscious and known to us, like these rules. Some of it is held unconsciously, without our awareness. We can’t recall this information.</p><p>The way our mind has been shaped regarding relationships will also shape our ego-based stories we tell ourselves and others about relationships. We create stories about our experiences in the world from the minute we wake up until we go to sleep. We create stories about ourselves, others, and situations. We especially love to create stories about our partner and our relationship.</p><p>The type of story our ego creates is often based on our earlier experiences. The problem is that we often treat the stories as facts. Our ego can be loving, kind and compassionate. It can also be a dictator or a tyrant. We may behave as if we have the moral high ground over our partner, that we know more about relationships than they do, or judge them for not communicating or relating to us in a way that we appreciate.</p><p>Our ego can be fearful and quite fragile, and it’s always on the lookout for safety or internal or external changes where we may feel less safe. This becomes problematic in couple relationships as partners are the ones most likely to provoke each other’s fragile ego. Partners then create stories about themselves, each other and the relationship based on how their minds have been shaped.</p><p> What does Nicolai’s mind construct when he’s sitting alone after being walked out on by Maja? How does his history shape the story he tells himself? These are just a few possibilities...</p>		\n			<link rel=\"stylesheet\" href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/plugins/elementor/assets/css/widget-icon-list.min.css\">		<ul>\n							<li>\n										If Nicolai’s parents had a peaceful relationship, he may create a story of how Maja’s childhood was difficult, and they’ll work it out when he gets home.\n									</li>\n								<li>\n										If Nicolai’s parents had a lot of conflict, he may create anxious stories, even dread, and hopelessness about his relationship with Maja.\n									</li>\n								<li>\n										If Nicolai’s parents separated, he may construct stories about Maja being “just like” Mum or Dad in some unattractive way, and how he might want to leave her. Or he could construct stories about Maja wanting to leave him.\n									</li>\n								<li>\n										If Nicolai felt alone or lonely in his family growing up, he may create stories of sadness and loneliness with Maja and how she doesn’t really understand him.\n									</li>\n						</ul>\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>		\n		<p>Can you see how the historical lens shapes the different stories Nicolai tells himself? Of course, there could be many other stories told.</p><p>So, let’s look at possibilities for Maja’s historical lens for the stories she creates as she flees the juice bar. What stories does Maja’s mind construct as she drives home alone?</p>		\n					<ul>\n							<li>\n										If Maja grew up with a parent who had angry outbursts, she may anxiously tell herself that Nicolai’s lowered voice and clenched jaw is so aggressive, and she can’t tolerate it anymore.\n									</li>\n								<li>\n										If Maja had a parent who was emotionally dysregulated and frightening, she may create stories of Nicolai’s lowered voice and clenched jaw being frightening.\n									</li>\n								<li>\n										If Maja’s parents separated, she may tell herself that he’s not good enough for her, and/or even that she needs to end the relationship.\n									</li>\n								<li>\n										If Maja’s parents didn’t listen to each other, she may tell herself that Nicolai is disrespectful and selfish.\n									</li>\n						</ul>\n		<p>We all need to understand our own historical lens and how it influences the stories our ego constructs. If we don’t, we treat the stories as a fact, and that can spell danger for our relationships.</p><p><em>Image Source: Shutterstock (743858932)</em></p>','Our History Impacts Our View of Our Relationship','','inherit','closed','closed','','5251-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 11:12:17','2022-08-26 11:12:17','',5251,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5256',0,'revision','',0);
INSERT INTO `wpjr_posts` VALUES (5257,3,'2022-04-21 11:12:56','2022-04-21 11:12:56','<p>Jerry found a series of sexually suggestive text messages on his wife’s phone from her colleague Bruno. She’d mentioned their friendship to Jerry and how they were both the most creative graphic designers in the advertising agency. They often had lunch together. Jerry was fine about their friendship. More recently, his wife had become more preoccupied with her appearance in the mornings and what she was going to wear to work.</p><p>Then he saw Bruno’s texts to his wife, “Gee your husband’s a lucky guy having access to your hot bod” and “I know how I would look after you from morning till night” with winking emojis. Jerry’s mind instantaneously avoided the thought of them getting close to an affair or actually having an affair. He laughed it off as ‘office banter’.</p><p>What was going on in Jerry’s mind? He saw the evidence of a relationship that’s clearly moved beyond office banter yet has failed to entertain the idea that his wife and Bruno could be more than just colleagues. This has all happened unconsciously, without his awareness, and shows the power of the <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/2022/01/25/regression-an-ego-defence-mechanism/\"><strong>ego defence mechanism</strong></a> called <strong>denial</strong>.</p><p>Denial is an extremely common defence mechanism. Like all defence mechanisms, it’s used as an avoidance strategy when we can’t face the reality of the situation or information in front of us. Our unconscious mind denies reality to protect us from the emotional impact – it feels too overwhelming. In this case, Jerry could not entertain what might be going on between his wife and Bruno. This is different from consciously turning a blind eye or lying to ourselves when we know the reality.</p><p>Denial is helpful sometimes as it allows our mind some time to process the enormity of the information or situation until we are slightly more able to face it. We often use this defence mechanism when we are faced with shocking news. This could be the diagnosis of a terminal illness, the death of someone close to us, or that our partner wants to leave the relationship.</p><p>It becomes problematic when we allow denial to linger for too long. We need to face reality and the grief that will come in when we do. I’ve seen this with clients who struggle to come to terms with their partner leaving them. It can be pathological when it lingers. I’ve had to point to the partner’s empty seat in the consulting room saying, “Where are they?” or even more challenging “Their seat in the couples therapy has been empty for 6 months. They left home then and they’re not giving you signs they want to work on the relationship.”</p><p>As a therapist, I need to stand firmly in reality and keep moving my clients away from denial, even if it’s hard for them to hear it. My role is to help my clients face the distressing reality that their minds want to keep at bay.</p><p>Relationships can be harmed by a partner’s use of denial. I’ve seen this many times over and denial can prevent them connecting and being intimate. They feel hurt, annoyed, or frustrated when their partner denies the concerns raised. They feel isolated and unsupported by them.</p><p>Rolf shared with his partner Dimitri that their decreasing intimacy was concerning him. Rolf had already had a previous relationship end when the intimacy waned. He was left devastated. Now with Dimitri, Rolf shares his thoughts and fears about how their relationship’s deteriorating. Yet Dimitri replies, “It’s fine as we both enjoy the sex we do have.”</p><p>Why can’t Dimitri hear Rolf’s concerns and engage in a discussion with him? What can’t he face about their dwindling sex life? What Dimitri doesn’t understand is that he can’t tolerate any expression of Rolf feeling anything other than happy. His mum left his dad when he was 4 years old as she was unhappy. This prior experience was traumatic for him and his family and causes him to deny Rolf’s reality.</p><p>All Dimitri wants is for Rolf to return to a ‘happy’ state. But Dimitri’s denial never satisfies Rolf. Over the long term, Rolf will resent Dimitri, and the more this occurs, the lonelier and more unsupported he will feel. Repeated denial has serious consequences and destabilises relationships. It will for this couple too.</p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (546242338)</em></p>','You’re In Denial!','','publish','open','open','','youre-in-denial','','','2022-08-26 11:18:08','2022-08-26 11:18:08','',0,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5257',0,'post','',0),(5258,3,'2022-08-26 11:15:41','2022-08-26 11:15:41','','Handsome,Depressed,Man,Near,Window,,Closeup','','inherit','open','closed','','handsomedepressedmannearwindowcloseup','','','2022-08-26 11:15:41','2022-08-26 11:15:41','',5257,'http://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/shutterstock_546242338.jpg',0,'attachment','image/jpeg',0),(5259,3,'2022-08-26 11:15:48','2022-08-26 11:15:48','Nicolai and Maja have been together for 8 years. They were on a date, where they had just finished a walk together on their favourite beach and were now heading to their local juice bar. As they sat down Nicolai raised the topic of which school their daughter should go to next year. This was a hot topic for this couple as Nicolai strongly believed she should go to a private Catholic school like he did, whereas Maja believed in the public system and wanted their daughter to mix with children offering greater diversity of backgrounds, just as she had.\r\n\r\nThese conversations haven’t been going well between them and often ended in conflict. Maja becomes rather strident in her views and reiterates her view of the matter over and over. Nicolai lowers his voice and grits his teeth, holding his jaw in a tight lock. This is experienced by Maja as aggressive. Sometimes she tells him to stop making that face, but mostly she feels she just needs to get away from him.\r\n\r\nIf they’re at home, she quickly goes to another room or leaves the house. In the past, she’s left Nicolai in restaurants, where he’s sat not knowing if she’s returning or not. Now they’re in the juice bar and Nicolai’s voice is lowering and his jaw is setting into the tight position. Within a micro-second she’s up off her seat and walking briskly to their car. She’s relieved she’s the one with the car keys.\r\n\r\nWhat is going on for this couple?\r\n\r\n<strong>Our history shows itself in the stories we create</strong>\r\n\r\nOur past relationships with parents, siblings, and past partners play a huge role in shaping our minds and determining how we view couple relationships. This has been through direct experiences with them and how they’ve treated us, and also through them teaching or guiding us with narratives about couple relationships.\r\n\r\nThese experiences shape how we feel a partner should behave and what is expected of them in our relationship. Our mind holds this information as relationship boundaries and rules, with plenty of statements of shoulds and shouldn’ts. Some of this information is conscious and known to us, like these rules. Some of it is held unconsciously, without our awareness. We can’t recall this information.\r\n\r\nThe way our mind has been shaped regarding relationships will also shape our ego-based stories we tell ourselves and others about relationships. We create stories about our experiences in the world from the minute we wake up until we go to sleep. We create stories about ourselves, others, and situations. We especially love to create stories about our partner and our relationship.\r\n\r\nThe type of story our ego creates is often based on our earlier experiences. The problem is that we often treat the stories as facts. Our ego can be loving, kind and compassionate. It can also be a dictator or a tyrant. We may behave as if we have the moral high ground over our partner, that we know more about relationships than they do, or judge them for not communicating or relating to us in a way that we appreciate.\r\n\r\nOur ego can be fearful and quite fragile, and it’s always on the lookout for safety or internal or external changes where we may feel less safe. This becomes problematic in couple relationships as partners are the ones most likely to provoke each other’s fragile ego. Partners then create stories about themselves, each other and the relationship based on how their minds have been shaped.\r\n\r\nWhat does Nicolai’s mind construct when he’s sitting alone after being walked out on by Maja? How does his history shape the story he tells himself? These are just a few possibilities...\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<ul>\r\n 	<li>If Nicolai’s parents had a peaceful relationship, he may create a story of how Maja’s childhood was difficult, and they’ll work it out when he gets home.</li>\r\n 	<li>If Nicolai’s parents had a lot of conflict, he may create anxious stories, even dread, and hopelessness about his relationship with Maja.</li>\r\n 	<li>If Nicolai’s parents separated, he may construct stories about Maja being “just like” Mum or Dad in some unattractive way, and how he might want to leave her. Or he could construct stories about Maja wanting to leave him.</li>\r\n 	<li>If Nicolai felt alone or lonely in his family growing up, he may create stories of sadness and loneliness with Maja and how she doesn’t really understand him.</li>\r\n</ul>\r\n<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */<br />\r\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>\r\n\r\nCan you see how the historical lens shapes the different stories Nicolai tells himself? Of course, there could be many other stories told.\r\n\r\nSo, let’s look at possibilities for Maja’s historical lens for the stories she creates as she flees the juice bar. What stories does Maja’s mind construct as she drives home alone?\r\n<ul>\r\n 	<li>If Maja grew up with a parent who had angry outbursts, she may anxiously tell herself that Nicolai’s lowered voice and clenched jaw is so aggressive, and she can’t tolerate it anymore.</li>\r\n 	<li>If Maja had a parent who was emotionally dysregulated and frightening, she may create stories of Nicolai’s lowered voice and clenched jaw being frightening.</li>\r\n 	<li>If Maja’s parents separated, she may tell herself that he’s not good enough for her, and/or even that she needs to end the relationship.</li>\r\n 	<li>If Maja’s parents didn’t listen to each other, she may tell herself that Nicolai is disrespectful and selfish.</li>\r\n</ul>\r\nWe all need to understand our own historical lens and how it influences the stories our ego constructs. If we don’t, we treat the stories as a fact, and that can spell danger for our relationships.\r\n\r\n<em>Image Source: Shutterstock (743858932)</em>','You’re In Denial!','','inherit','closed','closed','','5257-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 11:15:48','2022-08-26 11:15:48','',5257,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5259',0,'revision','',0),(5260,3,'2022-08-26 11:18:08','2022-08-26 11:18:08','Nicolai and Maja have been together for 8 years. They were on a date, where they had just finished a walk together on their favourite beach and were now heading to their local juice bar. As they sat down Nicolai raised the topic of which school their daughter should go to next year. This was a hot topic for this couple as Nicolai strongly believed she should go to a private Catholic school like he did, whereas Maja believed in the public system and wanted their daughter to mix with children offering greater diversity of backgrounds, just as she had.\r\n\r\nThese conversations haven’t been going well between them and often ended in conflict. Maja becomes rather strident in her views and reiterates her view of the matter over and over. Nicolai lowers his voice and grits his teeth, holding his jaw in a tight lock. This is experienced by Maja as aggressive. Sometimes she tells him to stop making that face, but mostly she feels she just needs to get away from him.\r\n\r\nIf they’re at home, she quickly goes to another room or leaves the house. In the past, she’s left Nicolai in restaurants, where he’s sat not knowing if she’s returning or not. Now they’re in the juice bar and Nicolai’s voice is lowering and his jaw is setting into the tight position. Within a micro-second she’s up off her seat and walking briskly to their car. She’s relieved she’s the one with the car keys.\r\n\r\nWhat is going on for this couple?\r\n\r\n<strong>Our history shows itself in the stories we create</strong>\r\n\r\nOur past relationships with parents, siblings, and past partners play a huge role in shaping our minds and determining how we view couple relationships. This has been through direct experiences with them and how they’ve treated us, and also through them teaching or guiding us with narratives about couple relationships.\r\n\r\nThese experiences shape how we feel a partner should behave and what is expected of them in our relationship. Our mind holds this information as relationship boundaries and rules, with plenty of statements of shoulds and shouldn’ts. Some of this information is conscious and known to us, like these rules. Some of it is held unconsciously, without our awareness. We can’t recall this information.\r\n\r\nThe way our mind has been shaped regarding relationships will also shape our ego-based stories we tell ourselves and others about relationships. We create stories about our experiences in the world from the minute we wake up until we go to sleep. We create stories about ourselves, others, and situations. We especially love to create stories about our partner and our relationship.\r\n\r\nThe type of story our ego creates is often based on our earlier experiences. The problem is that we often treat the stories as facts. Our ego can be loving, kind and compassionate. It can also be a dictator or a tyrant. We may behave as if we have the moral high ground over our partner, that we know more about relationships than they do, or judge them for not communicating or relating to us in a way that we appreciate.\r\n\r\nOur ego can be fearful and quite fragile, and it’s always on the lookout for safety or internal or external changes where we may feel less safe. This becomes problematic in couple relationships as partners are the ones most likely to provoke each other’s fragile ego. Partners then create stories about themselves, each other and the relationship based on how their minds have been shaped.\r\n\r\nWhat does Nicolai’s mind construct when he’s sitting alone after being walked out on by Maja? How does his history shape the story he tells himself? These are just a few possibilities...\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<ul>\r\n 	<li>If Nicolai’s parents had a peaceful relationship, he may create a story of how Maja’s childhood was difficult, and they’ll work it out when he gets home.</li>\r\n 	<li>If Nicolai’s parents had a lot of conflict, he may create anxious stories, even dread, and hopelessness about his relationship with Maja.</li>\r\n 	<li>If Nicolai’s parents separated, he may construct stories about Maja being “just like” Mum or Dad in some unattractive way, and how he might want to leave her. Or he could construct stories about Maja wanting to leave him.</li>\r\n 	<li>If Nicolai felt alone or lonely in his family growing up, he may create stories of sadness and loneliness with Maja and how she doesn’t really understand him.</li>\r\n</ul>\r\n<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */<br />\r\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>\r\n\r\nCan you see how the historical lens shapes the different stories Nicolai tells himself? Of course, there could be many other stories told.\r\n\r\nSo, let’s look at possibilities for Maja’s historical lens for the stories she creates as she flees the juice bar. What stories does Maja’s mind construct as she drives home alone?\r\n<ul>\r\n 	<li>If Maja grew up with a parent who had angry outbursts, she may anxiously tell herself that Nicolai’s lowered voice and clenched jaw is so aggressive, and she can’t tolerate it anymore.</li>\r\n 	<li>If Maja had a parent who was emotionally dysregulated and frightening, she may create stories of Nicolai’s lowered voice and clenched jaw being frightening.</li>\r\n 	<li>If Maja’s parents separated, she may tell herself that he’s not good enough for her, and/or even that she needs to end the relationship.</li>\r\n 	<li>If Maja’s parents didn’t listen to each other, she may tell herself that Nicolai is disrespectful and selfish.</li>\r\n</ul>\r\nWe all need to understand our own historical lens and how it influences the stories our ego constructs. If we don’t, we treat the stories as a fact, and that can spell danger for our relationships.\r\n\r\n<em>Image Source: Shutterstock (743858932)</em>','You’re In Denial!','','inherit','closed','closed','','5257-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 11:18:08','2022-08-26 11:18:08','',5257,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5260',0,'revision','',0),(5261,3,'2022-08-26 11:18:08','2022-08-26 11:18:08','Nicolai and Maja have been together for 8 years. They were on a date, where they had just finished a walk together on their favourite beach and were now heading to their local juice bar. As they sat down Nicolai raised the topic of which school their daughter should go to next year. This was a hot topic for this couple as Nicolai strongly believed she should go to a private Catholic school like he did, whereas Maja believed in the public system and wanted their daughter to mix with children offering greater diversity of backgrounds, just as she had.\r\n\r\nThese conversations haven’t been going well between them and often ended in conflict. Maja becomes rather strident in her views and reiterates her view of the matter over and over. Nicolai lowers his voice and grits his teeth, holding his jaw in a tight lock. This is experienced by Maja as aggressive. Sometimes she tells him to stop making that face, but mostly she feels she just needs to get away from him.\r\n\r\nIf they’re at home, she quickly goes to another room or leaves the house. In the past, she’s left Nicolai in restaurants, where he’s sat not knowing if she’s returning or not. Now they’re in the juice bar and Nicolai’s voice is lowering and his jaw is setting into the tight position. Within a micro-second she’s up off her seat and walking briskly to their car. She’s relieved she’s the one with the car keys.\r\n\r\nWhat is going on for this couple?\r\n\r\n<strong>Our history shows itself in the stories we create</strong>\r\n\r\nOur past relationships with parents, siblings, and past partners play a huge role in shaping our minds and determining how we view couple relationships. This has been through direct experiences with them and how they’ve treated us, and also through them teaching or guiding us with narratives about couple relationships.\r\n\r\nThese experiences shape how we feel a partner should behave and what is expected of them in our relationship. Our mind holds this information as relationship boundaries and rules, with plenty of statements of shoulds and shouldn’ts. Some of this information is conscious and known to us, like these rules. Some of it is held unconsciously, without our awareness. We can’t recall this information.\r\n\r\nThe way our mind has been shaped regarding relationships will also shape our ego-based stories we tell ourselves and others about relationships. We create stories about our experiences in the world from the minute we wake up until we go to sleep. We create stories about ourselves, others, and situations. We especially love to create stories about our partner and our relationship.\r\n\r\nThe type of story our ego creates is often based on our earlier experiences. The problem is that we often treat the stories as facts. Our ego can be loving, kind and compassionate. It can also be a dictator or a tyrant. We may behave as if we have the moral high ground over our partner, that we know more about relationships than they do, or judge them for not communicating or relating to us in a way that we appreciate.\r\n\r\nOur ego can be fearful and quite fragile, and it’s always on the lookout for safety or internal or external changes where we may feel less safe. This becomes problematic in couple relationships as partners are the ones most likely to provoke each other’s fragile ego. Partners then create stories about themselves, each other and the relationship based on how their minds have been shaped.\r\n\r\nWhat does Nicolai’s mind construct when he’s sitting alone after being walked out on by Maja? How does his history shape the story he tells himself? These are just a few possibilities...\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<ul>\r\n 	<li>If Nicolai’s parents had a peaceful relationship, he may create a story of how Maja’s childhood was difficult, and they’ll work it out when he gets home.</li>\r\n 	<li>If Nicolai’s parents had a lot of conflict, he may create anxious stories, even dread, and hopelessness about his relationship with Maja.</li>\r\n 	<li>If Nicolai’s parents separated, he may construct stories about Maja being “just like” Mum or Dad in some unattractive way, and how he might want to leave her. Or he could construct stories about Maja wanting to leave him.</li>\r\n 	<li>If Nicolai felt alone or lonely in his family growing up, he may create stories of sadness and loneliness with Maja and how she doesn’t really understand him.</li>\r\n</ul>\r\n<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */<br />\r\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>\r\n\r\nCan you see how the historical lens shapes the different stories Nicolai tells himself? Of course, there could be many other stories told.\r\n\r\nSo, let’s look at possibilities for Maja’s historical lens for the stories she creates as she flees the juice bar. What stories does Maja’s mind construct as she drives home alone?\r\n<ul>\r\n 	<li>If Maja grew up with a parent who had angry outbursts, she may anxiously tell herself that Nicolai’s lowered voice and clenched jaw is so aggressive, and she can’t tolerate it anymore.</li>\r\n 	<li>If Maja had a parent who was emotionally dysregulated and frightening, she may create stories of Nicolai’s lowered voice and clenched jaw being frightening.</li>\r\n 	<li>If Maja’s parents separated, she may tell herself that he’s not good enough for her, and/or even that she needs to end the relationship.</li>\r\n 	<li>If Maja’s parents didn’t listen to each other, she may tell herself that Nicolai is disrespectful and selfish.</li>\r\n</ul>\r\nWe all need to understand our own historical lens and how it influences the stories our ego constructs. If we don’t, we treat the stories as a fact, and that can spell danger for our relationships.\r\n\r\n<em>Image Source: Shutterstock (743858932)</em>','You’re In Denial!','','inherit','closed','closed','','5257-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 11:18:08','2022-08-26 11:18:08','',5257,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5261',0,'revision','',0),(5262,3,'2022-08-26 11:18:08','2022-08-26 11:18:08','<p>Jerry found a series of sexually suggestive text messages on his wife’s phone from her colleague Bruno. She’d mentioned their friendship to Jerry and how they were both the most creative graphic designers in the advertising agency. They often had lunch together. Jerry was fine about their friendship. More recently, his wife had become more preoccupied with her appearance in the mornings and what she was going to wear to work.</p><p>Then he saw Bruno’s texts to his wife, “Gee your husband’s a lucky guy having access to your hot bod” and “I know how I would look after you from morning till night” with winking emojis. Jerry’s mind instantaneously avoided the thought of them getting close to an affair or actually having an affair. He laughed it off as ‘office banter’.</p><p>What was going on in Jerry’s mind? He saw the evidence of a relationship that’s clearly moved beyond office banter yet has failed to entertain the idea that his wife and Bruno could be more than just colleagues. This has all happened unconsciously, without his awareness, and shows the power of the <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/2022/01/25/regression-an-ego-defence-mechanism/\"><strong>ego defence mechanism</strong></a> called <strong>denial</strong>.</p><p>Denial is an extremely common defence mechanism. Like all defence mechanisms, it’s used as an avoidance strategy when we can’t face the reality of the situation or information in front of us. Our unconscious mind denies reality to protect us from the emotional impact – it feels too overwhelming. In this case, Jerry could not entertain what might be going on between his wife and Bruno. This is different from consciously turning a blind eye or lying to ourselves when we know the reality.</p><p>Denial is helpful sometimes as it allows our mind some time to process the enormity of the information or situation until we are slightly more able to face it. We often use this defence mechanism when we are faced with shocking news. This could be the diagnosis of a terminal illness, the death of someone close to us, or that our partner wants to leave the relationship.</p><p>It becomes problematic when we allow denial to linger for too long. We need to face reality and the grief that will come in when we do. I’ve seen this with clients who struggle to come to terms with their partner leaving them. It can be pathological when it lingers. I’ve had to point to the partner’s empty seat in the consulting room saying, “Where are they?” or even more challenging “Their seat in the couples therapy has been empty for 6 months. They left home then and they’re not giving you signs they want to work on the relationship.”</p><p>As a therapist, I need to stand firmly in reality and keep moving my clients away from denial, even if it’s hard for them to hear it. My role is to help my clients face the distressing reality that their minds want to keep at bay.</p><p>Relationships can be harmed by a partner’s use of denial. I’ve seen this many times over and denial can prevent them connecting and being intimate. They feel hurt, annoyed, or frustrated when their partner denies the concerns raised. They feel isolated and unsupported by them.</p><p>Rolf shared with his partner Dimitri that their decreasing intimacy was concerning him. Rolf had already had a previous relationship end when the intimacy waned. He was left devastated. Now with Dimitri, Rolf shares his thoughts and fears about how their relationship’s deteriorating. Yet Dimitri replies, “It’s fine as we both enjoy the sex we do have.”</p><p>Why can’t Dimitri hear Rolf’s concerns and engage in a discussion with him? What can’t he face about their dwindling sex life? What Dimitri doesn’t understand is that he can’t tolerate any expression of Rolf feeling anything other than happy. His mum left his dad when he was 4 years old as she was unhappy. This prior experience was traumatic for him and his family and causes him to deny Rolf’s reality.</p><p>All Dimitri wants is for Rolf to return to a ‘happy’ state. But Dimitri’s denial never satisfies Rolf. Over the long term, Rolf will resent Dimitri, and the more this occurs, the lonelier and more unsupported he will feel. Repeated denial has serious consequences and destabilises relationships. It will for this couple too.</p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (546242338)</em></p>','You’re In Denial!','','inherit','closed','closed','','5257-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 11:18:08','2022-08-26 11:18:08','',5257,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5262',0,'revision','',0),(5263,3,'2022-05-04 11:18:36','2022-05-04 11:18:36','<p>I was walking my dogs with my new friend Jake the other day. He was telling me about his relationship with his ex-wife and how different they were and why their relationship didn’t work out. Jake had his list of reasons for why she wasn’t right for him. These were framed with a negative lens where in the main, she had been inadequate as a partner or even a bit crazy in some way.</p><p>When we find ourselves in a relationship like Jake’s, it’s so easy to blame our partner for not being the partner we want them to be. We can feel let down, frustrated, and even distressed that they haven’t been able to offer us the kind of relationship we wanted or dreamed of having.</p><p>Now Jake and I had quickly established a friendship where I felt I could be very honest with him, so I wasn’t going to beat around the bush. It helps that he’s intelligent and able to laugh at himself. So, after listening to a few of his complaints about his ex-wife, I asked him why he chose her in the first place? We can’t understand our complaints or resentment about our partner unless we remember why we chose our partner in the first place.</p><p>Jake: She was fun and liked to be playful and I really enjoyed this about her.</p><p>Me: (I remembered that Jake was an only child) Was she like a sibling, you’d not had someone at home to play with?</p><p>Jake: Yes. I missed out on this, and my home could be lonely.</p><p>As Jake’s not my client I didn’t go deeper with him or have him explain how he was lonely or what he’d missed out on as a child. What I do know is that one reason is never the full story of why we chose our partner to commit to for life. Some reasons are conscious, and we can think about them and may even talk about them. Some are unconscious, and we have no awareness of the reasons.</p><p>Whatever the reasons, when we choose one partner, we are giving up the chance to be with all others. It’s a pretty serious commitment. In fact, it’s the most serious, especially if we have children and are tied together for life.</p><p>Me: Why else did you choose to commit to her?</p><p>Jake: I wanted a family and she seemed to want this too.</p><p>Me: Ah so your biological drive had kicked in. You’d already invested in this relationship, and you were ready to get on with it.</p><p>Jake: Yes, and after we had our children, it all broke down.</p><p>Me: So, she’d fulfilled the contract of what you wanted? You’d both had the kids, life became more hectic and definitely less fun.</p><p>As a therapist, I’ve seen many Jake’s. So many couples feel the pull of the biological drive but don’t necessarily have enough of a couple connection to keep them together to last the distance.</p><p>To their credit, Jake and his wife had worked hard to hold the relationship together. They also saw a couples therapist. Neither of them wanted a separation, especially with such young children.</p><p>We need to remember why we chose our partner as this provides important clues as to what the initial couple contract was about. Of course, Jake’s contract was more complex than this. However, when we enter a relationship, we want something particular for our relationship with this chosen person. We want them to help create a relationship that fulfils certain aspects for us.</p><p>When the contract isn’t adhered to, relationships can destabilise, and sadly like Jake’s, even end. What’s important for all of us is to think about are the parts of the contract we signed up to. And what did our partner want from us when they committed? Are they complaining or resentful about us? Don’t forget – there are two contracts in any relationship.</p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (1355872709)</em></p>','Why Did We Choose Our Partner?','','publish','open','open','','why-do-we-choose-our-partner','','','2022-08-26 11:23:29','2022-08-26 11:23:29','',0,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5263',0,'post','',0),(5264,3,'2022-08-26 11:21:50','2022-08-26 11:21:50','','Happy,Adorable,Couple,In,Love.,Portrait,Of,Young,Man,And','','inherit','open','closed','','happyadorablecoupleinlove-portraitofyoungmanand','','','2022-08-26 11:21:50','2022-08-26 11:21:50','',5263,'http://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/shutterstock_1355872709.jpg',0,'attachment','image/jpeg',0),(5265,3,'2022-08-26 11:22:21','2022-08-26 11:22:21','Jerry found a series of sexually suggestive text messages on his wife’s phone from her colleague Bruno. She’d mentioned their friendship to Jerry and how they were both the most creative graphic designers in the advertising agency. They often had lunch together. Jerry was fine about their friendship. More recently, his wife had become more preoccupied with her appearance in the mornings and what she was going to wear to work.\r\n\r\nThen he saw Bruno’s texts to his wife, “Gee your husband’s a lucky guy having access to your hot bod” and “I know how I would look after you from morning till night” with winking emojis. Jerry’s mind instantaneously avoided the thought of them getting close to an affair or actually having an affair. He laughed it off as ‘office banter’.\r\n\r\nWhat was going on in Jerry’s mind? He saw the evidence of a relationship that’s clearly moved beyond office banter yet has failed to entertain the idea that his wife and Bruno could be more than just colleagues. This has all happened unconsciously, without his awareness, and shows the power of the <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/2022/01/25/regression-an-ego-defence-mechanism/\"><strong>ego defence mechanism</strong></a> called <strong>denial</strong>.\r\n\r\nDenial is an extremely common defence mechanism. Like all defence mechanisms, it’s used as an avoidance strategy when we can’t face the reality of the situation or information in front of us. Our unconscious mind denies reality to protect us from the emotional impact – it feels too overwhelming. In this case, Jerry could not entertain what might be going on between his wife and Bruno. This is different from consciously turning a blind eye or lying to ourselves when we know the reality.\r\n\r\nDenial is helpful sometimes as it allows our mind some time to process the enormity of the information or situation until we are slightly more able to face it. We often use this defence mechanism when we are faced with shocking news. This could be the diagnosis of a terminal illness, the death of someone close to us, or that our partner wants to leave the relationship.\r\n\r\nIt becomes problematic when we allow denial to linger for too long. We need to face reality and the grief that will come in when we do. I’ve seen this with clients who struggle to come to terms with their partner leaving them. It can be pathological when it lingers. I’ve had to point to the partner’s empty seat in the consulting room saying, “Where are they?” or even more challenging “Their seat in the couples therapy has been empty for 6 months. They left home then and they’re not giving you signs they want to work on the relationship.”\r\n\r\nAs a therapist, I need to stand firmly in reality and keep moving my clients away from denial, even if it’s hard for them to hear it. My role is to help my clients face the distressing reality that their minds want to keep at bay.\r\n\r\nRelationships can be harmed by a partner’s use of denial. I’ve seen this many times over and denial can prevent them connecting and being intimate. They feel hurt, annoyed, or frustrated when their partner denies the concerns raised. They feel isolated and unsupported by them.\r\n\r\nRolf shared with his partner Dimitri that their decreasing intimacy was concerning him. Rolf had already had a previous relationship end when the intimacy waned. He was left devastated. Now with Dimitri, Rolf shares his thoughts and fears about how their relationship’s deteriorating. Yet Dimitri replies, “It’s fine as we both enjoy the sex we do have.”\r\n\r\nWhy can’t Dimitri hear Rolf’s concerns and engage in a discussion with him? What can’t he face about their dwindling sex life? What Dimitri doesn’t understand is that he can’t tolerate any expression of Rolf feeling anything other than happy. His mum left his dad when he was 4 years old as she was unhappy. This prior experience was traumatic for him and his family and causes him to deny Rolf’s reality.\r\n\r\nAll Dimitri wants is for Rolf to return to a ‘happy’ state. But Dimitri’s denial never satisfies Rolf. Over the long term, Rolf will resent Dimitri, and the more this occurs, the lonelier and more unsupported he will feel. Repeated denial has serious consequences and destabilises relationships. It will for this couple too.\r\n\r\n<em>Image source: Shutterstock (546242338)</em>','Why Did We Choose Our Partner?','','inherit','closed','closed','','5263-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 11:22:21','2022-08-26 11:22:21','',5263,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5265',0,'revision','',0),(5266,3,'2022-08-26 11:23:29','2022-08-26 11:23:29','Jerry found a series of sexually suggestive text messages on his wife’s phone from her colleague Bruno. She’d mentioned their friendship to Jerry and how they were both the most creative graphic designers in the advertising agency. They often had lunch together. Jerry was fine about their friendship. More recently, his wife had become more preoccupied with her appearance in the mornings and what she was going to wear to work.\r\n\r\nThen he saw Bruno’s texts to his wife, “Gee your husband’s a lucky guy having access to your hot bod” and “I know how I would look after you from morning till night” with winking emojis. Jerry’s mind instantaneously avoided the thought of them getting close to an affair or actually having an affair. He laughed it off as ‘office banter’.\r\n\r\nWhat was going on in Jerry’s mind? He saw the evidence of a relationship that’s clearly moved beyond office banter yet has failed to entertain the idea that his wife and Bruno could be more than just colleagues. This has all happened unconsciously, without his awareness, and shows the power of the <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/2022/01/25/regression-an-ego-defence-mechanism/\"><strong>ego defence mechanism</strong></a> called <strong>denial</strong>.\r\n\r\nDenial is an extremely common defence mechanism. Like all defence mechanisms, it’s used as an avoidance strategy when we can’t face the reality of the situation or information in front of us. Our unconscious mind denies reality to protect us from the emotional impact – it feels too overwhelming. In this case, Jerry could not entertain what might be going on between his wife and Bruno. This is different from consciously turning a blind eye or lying to ourselves when we know the reality.\r\n\r\nDenial is helpful sometimes as it allows our mind some time to process the enormity of the information or situation until we are slightly more able to face it. We often use this defence mechanism when we are faced with shocking news. This could be the diagnosis of a terminal illness, the death of someone close to us, or that our partner wants to leave the relationship.\r\n\r\nIt becomes problematic when we allow denial to linger for too long. We need to face reality and the grief that will come in when we do. I’ve seen this with clients who struggle to come to terms with their partner leaving them. It can be pathological when it lingers. I’ve had to point to the partner’s empty seat in the consulting room saying, “Where are they?” or even more challenging “Their seat in the couples therapy has been empty for 6 months. They left home then and they’re not giving you signs they want to work on the relationship.”\r\n\r\nAs a therapist, I need to stand firmly in reality and keep moving my clients away from denial, even if it’s hard for them to hear it. My role is to help my clients face the distressing reality that their minds want to keep at bay.\r\n\r\nRelationships can be harmed by a partner’s use of denial. I’ve seen this many times over and denial can prevent them connecting and being intimate. They feel hurt, annoyed, or frustrated when their partner denies the concerns raised. They feel isolated and unsupported by them.\r\n\r\nRolf shared with his partner Dimitri that their decreasing intimacy was concerning him. Rolf had already had a previous relationship end when the intimacy waned. He was left devastated. Now with Dimitri, Rolf shares his thoughts and fears about how their relationship’s deteriorating. Yet Dimitri replies, “It’s fine as we both enjoy the sex we do have.”\r\n\r\nWhy can’t Dimitri hear Rolf’s concerns and engage in a discussion with him? What can’t he face about their dwindling sex life? What Dimitri doesn’t understand is that he can’t tolerate any expression of Rolf feeling anything other than happy. His mum left his dad when he was 4 years old as she was unhappy. This prior experience was traumatic for him and his family and causes him to deny Rolf’s reality.\r\n\r\nAll Dimitri wants is for Rolf to return to a ‘happy’ state. But Dimitri’s denial never satisfies Rolf. Over the long term, Rolf will resent Dimitri, and the more this occurs, the lonelier and more unsupported he will feel. Repeated denial has serious consequences and destabilises relationships. It will for this couple too.\r\n\r\n<em>Image source: Shutterstock (546242338)</em>','Why Did We Choose Our Partner?','','inherit','closed','closed','','5263-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 11:23:29','2022-08-26 11:23:29','',5263,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5266',0,'revision','',0),(5267,3,'2022-08-26 11:23:29','2022-08-26 11:23:29','Jerry found a series of sexually suggestive text messages on his wife’s phone from her colleague Bruno. She’d mentioned their friendship to Jerry and how they were both the most creative graphic designers in the advertising agency. They often had lunch together. Jerry was fine about their friendship. More recently, his wife had become more preoccupied with her appearance in the mornings and what she was going to wear to work.\r\n\r\nThen he saw Bruno’s texts to his wife, “Gee your husband’s a lucky guy having access to your hot bod” and “I know how I would look after you from morning till night” with winking emojis. Jerry’s mind instantaneously avoided the thought of them getting close to an affair or actually having an affair. He laughed it off as ‘office banter’.\r\n\r\nWhat was going on in Jerry’s mind? He saw the evidence of a relationship that’s clearly moved beyond office banter yet has failed to entertain the idea that his wife and Bruno could be more than just colleagues. This has all happened unconsciously, without his awareness, and shows the power of the <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/2022/01/25/regression-an-ego-defence-mechanism/\"><strong>ego defence mechanism</strong></a> called <strong>denial</strong>.\r\n\r\nDenial is an extremely common defence mechanism. Like all defence mechanisms, it’s used as an avoidance strategy when we can’t face the reality of the situation or information in front of us. Our unconscious mind denies reality to protect us from the emotional impact – it feels too overwhelming. In this case, Jerry could not entertain what might be going on between his wife and Bruno. This is different from consciously turning a blind eye or lying to ourselves when we know the reality.\r\n\r\nDenial is helpful sometimes as it allows our mind some time to process the enormity of the information or situation until we are slightly more able to face it. We often use this defence mechanism when we are faced with shocking news. This could be the diagnosis of a terminal illness, the death of someone close to us, or that our partner wants to leave the relationship.\r\n\r\nIt becomes problematic when we allow denial to linger for too long. We need to face reality and the grief that will come in when we do. I’ve seen this with clients who struggle to come to terms with their partner leaving them. It can be pathological when it lingers. I’ve had to point to the partner’s empty seat in the consulting room saying, “Where are they?” or even more challenging “Their seat in the couples therapy has been empty for 6 months. They left home then and they’re not giving you signs they want to work on the relationship.”\r\n\r\nAs a therapist, I need to stand firmly in reality and keep moving my clients away from denial, even if it’s hard for them to hear it. My role is to help my clients face the distressing reality that their minds want to keep at bay.\r\n\r\nRelationships can be harmed by a partner’s use of denial. I’ve seen this many times over and denial can prevent them connecting and being intimate. They feel hurt, annoyed, or frustrated when their partner denies the concerns raised. They feel isolated and unsupported by them.\r\n\r\nRolf shared with his partner Dimitri that their decreasing intimacy was concerning him. Rolf had already had a previous relationship end when the intimacy waned. He was left devastated. Now with Dimitri, Rolf shares his thoughts and fears about how their relationship’s deteriorating. Yet Dimitri replies, “It’s fine as we both enjoy the sex we do have.”\r\n\r\nWhy can’t Dimitri hear Rolf’s concerns and engage in a discussion with him? What can’t he face about their dwindling sex life? What Dimitri doesn’t understand is that he can’t tolerate any expression of Rolf feeling anything other than happy. His mum left his dad when he was 4 years old as she was unhappy. This prior experience was traumatic for him and his family and causes him to deny Rolf’s reality.\r\n\r\nAll Dimitri wants is for Rolf to return to a ‘happy’ state. But Dimitri’s denial never satisfies Rolf. Over the long term, Rolf will resent Dimitri, and the more this occurs, the lonelier and more unsupported he will feel. Repeated denial has serious consequences and destabilises relationships. It will for this couple too.\r\n\r\n<em>Image source: Shutterstock (546242338)</em>','Why Did We Choose Our Partner?','','inherit','closed','closed','','5263-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 11:23:29','2022-08-26 11:23:29','',5263,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5267',0,'revision','',0),(5268,3,'2022-08-26 11:23:29','2022-08-26 11:23:29','<p>I was walking my dogs with my new friend Jake the other day. He was telling me about his relationship with his ex-wife and how different they were and why their relationship didn’t work out. Jake had his list of reasons for why she wasn’t right for him. These were framed with a negative lens where in the main, she had been inadequate as a partner or even a bit crazy in some way.</p><p>When we find ourselves in a relationship like Jake’s, it’s so easy to blame our partner for not being the partner we want them to be. We can feel let down, frustrated, and even distressed that they haven’t been able to offer us the kind of relationship we wanted or dreamed of having.</p><p>Now Jake and I had quickly established a friendship where I felt I could be very honest with him, so I wasn’t going to beat around the bush. It helps that he’s intelligent and able to laugh at himself. So, after listening to a few of his complaints about his ex-wife, I asked him why he chose her in the first place? We can’t understand our complaints or resentment about our partner unless we remember why we chose our partner in the first place.</p><p>Jake: She was fun and liked to be playful and I really enjoyed this about her.</p><p>Me: (I remembered that Jake was an only child) Was she like a sibling, you’d not had someone at home to play with?</p><p>Jake: Yes. I missed out on this, and my home could be lonely.</p><p>As Jake’s not my client I didn’t go deeper with him or have him explain how he was lonely or what he’d missed out on as a child. What I do know is that one reason is never the full story of why we chose our partner to commit to for life. Some reasons are conscious, and we can think about them and may even talk about them. Some are unconscious, and we have no awareness of the reasons.</p><p>Whatever the reasons, when we choose one partner, we are giving up the chance to be with all others. It’s a pretty serious commitment. In fact, it’s the most serious, especially if we have children and are tied together for life.</p><p>Me: Why else did you choose to commit to her?</p><p>Jake: I wanted a family and she seemed to want this too.</p><p>Me: Ah so your biological drive had kicked in. You’d already invested in this relationship, and you were ready to get on with it.</p><p>Jake: Yes, and after we had our children, it all broke down.</p><p>Me: So, she’d fulfilled the contract of what you wanted? You’d both had the kids, life became more hectic and definitely less fun.</p><p>As a therapist, I’ve seen many Jake’s. So many couples feel the pull of the biological drive but don’t necessarily have enough of a couple connection to keep them together to last the distance.</p><p>To their credit, Jake and his wife had worked hard to hold the relationship together. They also saw a couples therapist. Neither of them wanted a separation, especially with such young children.</p><p>We need to remember why we chose our partner as this provides important clues as to what the initial couple contract was about. Of course, Jake’s contract was more complex than this. However, when we enter a relationship, we want something particular for our relationship with this chosen person. We want them to help create a relationship that fulfils certain aspects for us.</p><p>When the contract isn’t adhered to, relationships can destabilise, and sadly like Jake’s, even end. What’s important for all of us is to think about are the parts of the contract we signed up to. And what did our partner want from us when they committed? Are they complaining or resentful about us? Don’t forget – there are two contracts in any relationship.</p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (1355872709)</em></p>','Why Did We Choose Our Partner?','','inherit','closed','closed','','5263-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 11:23:29','2022-08-26 11:23:29','',5263,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5268',0,'revision','',0),(5269,3,'2022-05-12 11:23:58','2022-05-12 11:23:58','<p>We all have a friend, or are the friend, who can see danger down the track. It could be impending danger or a catastrophe a mile off. The catastrophe I’m talking about is not about earthquakes or floods, nor is it about bus crashes or stampeding elephants. I’m talking about the ever-present sense of an impending catastrophe in one’s couple relationship.</p><p>My client Jenna doesn’t trust her boyfriend and secretly checks his phone. He’s never done anything for her to doubt him. He’s not secretive, and even leaves his phone around the flat. Why does Jenna do this? What’s she worried about? She hates checking yet feels compelled to do it.</p><p>My friend Liam told me last week he fears his partner of 4 years is going to end their relationship. He’s often worried. He doesn’t want to lose his partner, and even though she hasn’t said anything, he just can’t shake the feeling she thinks he’s not good enough. He often feels insecure and gets jealous easily. He dreams of moving with her to the countryside where it’s just the two of them.</p><p>Marco from my gym group won’t date anyone more than three times. He says “what’s the point? All relationships start well and end in shit! I may as well bail while I can.”</p><p>Why do some people do this, and others don’t? The quick answer is trauma. These people have all experienced trauma in their relationships, either with parents or caregivers in childhood or in their adult couple relationships. Through these relationships where life was at times, distressing or frightening, they were altered by trauma. Traumatic experiences become encoded in our mind and body, and unless they are healed they will re-emerge later in life.</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h2>What is trauma?</h2>		\n		<p>Trauma and addiction expert, Gabor Mate, states that trauma is “a psychic wound that hardens you psychologically that then interferes with your ability to grow and develop. It pains you and now you’re acting out of pain. It induces fear and now you’re acting out of fear. “Trauma is not what happens to you, it’s what happens inside you as a result of what happened to you.”</p><p>What this means is that the same situation may or may not be encoded as a trauma for different people. For example, not all soldiers returning from Vietnam had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, even if they went through similar experiences.</p><p>Let’s look at relational trauma. This wires a child’s mind and nervous system with negativity and fear. This is encoded and then presents itself in adult relationships where they become hypervigilant and insecure in their couple relationship.</p><p>For some children, a parent’s alcoholism may or may not be encoded as traumatic. If it has been encoded as trauma, then it will show itself with one’s partner when alcohol becomes an issue in the relationship.</p><p>If a child has felt traumatised by a parent being out of control and aggressive, then this will typically cause them to be reactive with their partner around these issues, and they will be continuously seeking safety in their relationship. This is what Marco experienced as a child, and it’s made him fearful of being with someone who may trigger his childhood trauma.</p><p>If a child has had a parent leave the family suddenly due to an affair, then this may be encoded as traumatic. This is Jenna’s trauma, where her mum left her dad for another man when she was 12. Her dad was unable to cope for about a year and this meant Jenna had no parent able to help her cope with the loss of her mum.</p><p>Liam’s dad was cruel. He continuously made statements of how ‘useless’ he was. He’d tell him to ‘man-up’ even when he was a little boy. His mum never said anything. She was scared of his dad’s harsh tongue too. Liam could be terrified of his dad and was traumatised by him. In his couple relationship, Liam often believes his partner thinks he’s not good enough. He tries to hide it by doing so much for her and being too good to be true. He spends so much time worrying about her and how she feels about him, just like he did as a child with his dad.</p><p>As you can see, trauma disrupts the child’s ability to feel safer in their adult relationships. These are only a few examples, where as adults there is so much fear and pre-occupation with one’s partner about an impending catastrophe in the relationship.</p><p>If this is you, you don’t have to live like this. It’s important to understand the impact of your trauma so you can heal from it, liberating your mind and body from the hold the trauma has over your life and relationship.</p><p>If you think you have experienced trauma in childhood and are unsure whether it’s impacting your life and relationship, please feel free to contact me <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/get-in-touch/\"><strong>here</strong></a>.</p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (2072414141)</em></p>','Why Do I Keep Seeing a Catastrophe in The Future?','','publish','open','open','','why-do-i-keep-seeing-a-catastrophe-in-the-future','','','2022-08-26 11:29:32','2022-08-26 11:29:32','',0,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5269',0,'post','',0),(5270,3,'2022-08-26 11:27:16','2022-08-26 11:27:16','','Disappointed,Young,Caucasian,Lady,Sits,On,Bed,,Ignores,Offended,Man.','','inherit','open','closed','','disappointedyoungcaucasianladysitsonbedignoresoffendedman','','','2022-08-26 11:27:16','2022-08-26 11:27:16','',5269,'http://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/shutterstock_2072414141.jpg',0,'attachment','image/jpeg',0),(5271,3,'2022-08-26 11:27:32','2022-08-26 11:27:32','I was walking my dogs with my new friend Jake the other day. He was telling me about his relationship with his ex-wife and how different they were and why their relationship didn’t work out. Jake had his list of reasons for why she wasn’t right for him. These were framed with a negative lens where in the main, she had been inadequate as a partner or even a bit crazy in some way.\r\n\r\nWhen we find ourselves in a relationship like Jake’s, it’s so easy to blame our partner for not being the partner we want them to be. We can feel let down, frustrated, and even distressed that they haven’t been able to offer us the kind of relationship we wanted or dreamed of having.\r\n\r\nNow Jake and I had quickly established a friendship where I felt I could be very honest with him, so I wasn’t going to beat around the bush. It helps that he’s intelligent and able to laugh at himself. So, after listening to a few of his complaints about his ex-wife, I asked him why he chose her in the first place? We can’t understand our complaints or resentment about our partner unless we remember why we chose our partner in the first place.\r\n\r\nJake: She was fun and liked to be playful and I really enjoyed this about her.\r\n\r\nMe: (I remembered that Jake was an only child) Was she like a sibling, you’d not had someone at home to play with?\r\n\r\nJake: Yes. I missed out on this, and my home could be lonely.\r\n\r\nAs Jake’s not my client I didn’t go deeper with him or have him explain how he was lonely or what he’d missed out on as a child. What I do know is that one reason is never the full story of why we chose our partner to commit to for life. Some reasons are conscious, and we can think about them and may even talk about them. Some are unconscious, and we have no awareness of the reasons.\r\n\r\nWhatever the reasons, when we choose one partner, we are giving up the chance to be with all others. It’s a pretty serious commitment. In fact, it’s the most serious, especially if we have children and are tied together for life.\r\n\r\nMe: Why else did you choose to commit to her?\r\n\r\nJake: I wanted a family and she seemed to want this too.\r\n\r\nMe: Ah so your biological drive had kicked in. You’d already invested in this relationship, and you were ready to get on with it.\r\n\r\nJake: Yes, and after we had our children, it all broke down.\r\n\r\nMe: So, she’d fulfilled the contract of what you wanted? You’d both had the kids, life became more hectic and definitely less fun.\r\n\r\nAs a therapist, I’ve seen many Jake’s. So many couples feel the pull of the biological drive but don’t necessarily have enough of a couple connection to keep them together to last the distance.\r\n\r\nTo their credit, Jake and his wife had worked hard to hold the relationship together. They also saw a couples therapist. Neither of them wanted a separation, especially with such young children.\r\n\r\nWe need to remember why we chose our partner as this provides important clues as to what the initial couple contract was about. Of course, Jake’s contract was more complex than this. However, when we enter a relationship, we want something particular for our relationship with this chosen person. We want them to help create a relationship that fulfils certain aspects for us.\r\n\r\nWhen the contract isn’t adhered to, relationships can destabilise, and sadly like Jake’s, even end. What’s important for all of us is to think about are the parts of the contract we signed up to. And what did our partner want from us when they committed? Are they complaining or resentful about us? Don’t forget – there are two contracts in any relationship.\r\n\r\n<em>Image source: Shutterstock (1355872709)</em>','Why Do I Keep Seeing a Catastrophe in The Future?','','inherit','closed','closed','','5269-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 11:27:32','2022-08-26 11:27:32','',5269,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5271',0,'revision','',0),(5272,3,'2022-08-26 11:29:32','2022-08-26 11:29:32','I was walking my dogs with my new friend Jake the other day. He was telling me about his relationship with his ex-wife and how different they were and why their relationship didn’t work out. Jake had his list of reasons for why she wasn’t right for him. These were framed with a negative lens where in the main, she had been inadequate as a partner or even a bit crazy in some way.\r\n\r\nWhen we find ourselves in a relationship like Jake’s, it’s so easy to blame our partner for not being the partner we want them to be. We can feel let down, frustrated, and even distressed that they haven’t been able to offer us the kind of relationship we wanted or dreamed of having.\r\n\r\nNow Jake and I had quickly established a friendship where I felt I could be very honest with him, so I wasn’t going to beat around the bush. It helps that he’s intelligent and able to laugh at himself. So, after listening to a few of his complaints about his ex-wife, I asked him why he chose her in the first place? We can’t understand our complaints or resentment about our partner unless we remember why we chose our partner in the first place.\r\n\r\nJake: She was fun and liked to be playful and I really enjoyed this about her.\r\n\r\nMe: (I remembered that Jake was an only child) Was she like a sibling, you’d not had someone at home to play with?\r\n\r\nJake: Yes. I missed out on this, and my home could be lonely.\r\n\r\nAs Jake’s not my client I didn’t go deeper with him or have him explain how he was lonely or what he’d missed out on as a child. What I do know is that one reason is never the full story of why we chose our partner to commit to for life. Some reasons are conscious, and we can think about them and may even talk about them. Some are unconscious, and we have no awareness of the reasons.\r\n\r\nWhatever the reasons, when we choose one partner, we are giving up the chance to be with all others. It’s a pretty serious commitment. In fact, it’s the most serious, especially if we have children and are tied together for life.\r\n\r\nMe: Why else did you choose to commit to her?\r\n\r\nJake: I wanted a family and she seemed to want this too.\r\n\r\nMe: Ah so your biological drive had kicked in. You’d already invested in this relationship, and you were ready to get on with it.\r\n\r\nJake: Yes, and after we had our children, it all broke down.\r\n\r\nMe: So, she’d fulfilled the contract of what you wanted? You’d both had the kids, life became more hectic and definitely less fun.\r\n\r\nAs a therapist, I’ve seen many Jake’s. So many couples feel the pull of the biological drive but don’t necessarily have enough of a couple connection to keep them together to last the distance.\r\n\r\nTo their credit, Jake and his wife had worked hard to hold the relationship together. They also saw a couples therapist. Neither of them wanted a separation, especially with such young children.\r\n\r\nWe need to remember why we chose our partner as this provides important clues as to what the initial couple contract was about. Of course, Jake’s contract was more complex than this. However, when we enter a relationship, we want something particular for our relationship with this chosen person. We want them to help create a relationship that fulfils certain aspects for us.\r\n\r\nWhen the contract isn’t adhered to, relationships can destabilise, and sadly like Jake’s, even end. What’s important for all of us is to think about are the parts of the contract we signed up to. And what did our partner want from us when they committed? Are they complaining or resentful about us? Don’t forget – there are two contracts in any relationship.\r\n\r\n<em>Image source: Shutterstock (1355872709)</em>','Why Do I Keep Seeing a Catastrophe in The Future?','','inherit','closed','closed','','5269-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 11:29:32','2022-08-26 11:29:32','',5269,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5272',0,'revision','',0),(5273,3,'2022-08-26 11:29:32','2022-08-26 11:29:32','I was walking my dogs with my new friend Jake the other day. He was telling me about his relationship with his ex-wife and how different they were and why their relationship didn’t work out. Jake had his list of reasons for why she wasn’t right for him. These were framed with a negative lens where in the main, she had been inadequate as a partner or even a bit crazy in some way.\r\n\r\nWhen we find ourselves in a relationship like Jake’s, it’s so easy to blame our partner for not being the partner we want them to be. We can feel let down, frustrated, and even distressed that they haven’t been able to offer us the kind of relationship we wanted or dreamed of having.\r\n\r\nNow Jake and I had quickly established a friendship where I felt I could be very honest with him, so I wasn’t going to beat around the bush. It helps that he’s intelligent and able to laugh at himself. So, after listening to a few of his complaints about his ex-wife, I asked him why he chose her in the first place? We can’t understand our complaints or resentment about our partner unless we remember why we chose our partner in the first place.\r\n\r\nJake: She was fun and liked to be playful and I really enjoyed this about her.\r\n\r\nMe: (I remembered that Jake was an only child) Was she like a sibling, you’d not had someone at home to play with?\r\n\r\nJake: Yes. I missed out on this, and my home could be lonely.\r\n\r\nAs Jake’s not my client I didn’t go deeper with him or have him explain how he was lonely or what he’d missed out on as a child. What I do know is that one reason is never the full story of why we chose our partner to commit to for life. Some reasons are conscious, and we can think about them and may even talk about them. Some are unconscious, and we have no awareness of the reasons.\r\n\r\nWhatever the reasons, when we choose one partner, we are giving up the chance to be with all others. It’s a pretty serious commitment. In fact, it’s the most serious, especially if we have children and are tied together for life.\r\n\r\nMe: Why else did you choose to commit to her?\r\n\r\nJake: I wanted a family and she seemed to want this too.\r\n\r\nMe: Ah so your biological drive had kicked in. You’d already invested in this relationship, and you were ready to get on with it.\r\n\r\nJake: Yes, and after we had our children, it all broke down.\r\n\r\nMe: So, she’d fulfilled the contract of what you wanted? You’d both had the kids, life became more hectic and definitely less fun.\r\n\r\nAs a therapist, I’ve seen many Jake’s. So many couples feel the pull of the biological drive but don’t necessarily have enough of a couple connection to keep them together to last the distance.\r\n\r\nTo their credit, Jake and his wife had worked hard to hold the relationship together. They also saw a couples therapist. Neither of them wanted a separation, especially with such young children.\r\n\r\nWe need to remember why we chose our partner as this provides important clues as to what the initial couple contract was about. Of course, Jake’s contract was more complex than this. However, when we enter a relationship, we want something particular for our relationship with this chosen person. We want them to help create a relationship that fulfils certain aspects for us.\r\n\r\nWhen the contract isn’t adhered to, relationships can destabilise, and sadly like Jake’s, even end. What’s important for all of us is to think about are the parts of the contract we signed up to. And what did our partner want from us when they committed? Are they complaining or resentful about us? Don’t forget – there are two contracts in any relationship.\r\n\r\n<em>Image source: Shutterstock (1355872709)</em>','Why Do I Keep Seeing a Catastrophe in The Future?','','inherit','closed','closed','','5269-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 11:29:32','2022-08-26 11:29:32','',5269,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5273',0,'revision','',0),(5274,3,'2022-08-26 11:29:32','2022-08-26 11:29:32','<p>We all have a friend, or are the friend, who can see danger down the track. It could be impending danger or a catastrophe a mile off. The catastrophe I’m talking about is not about earthquakes or floods, nor is it about bus crashes or stampeding elephants. I’m talking about the ever-present sense of an impending catastrophe in one’s couple relationship.</p><p>My client Jenna doesn’t trust her boyfriend and secretly checks his phone. He’s never done anything for her to doubt him. He’s not secretive, and even leaves his phone around the flat. Why does Jenna do this? What’s she worried about? She hates checking yet feels compelled to do it.</p><p>My friend Liam told me last week he fears his partner of 4 years is going to end their relationship. He’s often worried. He doesn’t want to lose his partner, and even though she hasn’t said anything, he just can’t shake the feeling she thinks he’s not good enough. He often feels insecure and gets jealous easily. He dreams of moving with her to the countryside where it’s just the two of them.</p><p>Marco from my gym group won’t date anyone more than three times. He says “what’s the point? All relationships start well and end in shit! I may as well bail while I can.”</p><p>Why do some people do this, and others don’t? The quick answer is trauma. These people have all experienced trauma in their relationships, either with parents or caregivers in childhood or in their adult couple relationships. Through these relationships where life was at times, distressing or frightening, they were altered by trauma. Traumatic experiences become encoded in our mind and body, and unless they are healed they will re-emerge later in life.</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h2>What is trauma?</h2>		\n		<p>Trauma and addiction expert, Gabor Mate, states that trauma is “a psychic wound that hardens you psychologically that then interferes with your ability to grow and develop. It pains you and now you’re acting out of pain. It induces fear and now you’re acting out of fear. “Trauma is not what happens to you, it’s what happens inside you as a result of what happened to you.”</p><p>What this means is that the same situation may or may not be encoded as a trauma for different people. For example, not all soldiers returning from Vietnam had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, even if they went through similar experiences.</p><p>Let’s look at relational trauma. This wires a child’s mind and nervous system with negativity and fear. This is encoded and then presents itself in adult relationships where they become hypervigilant and insecure in their couple relationship.</p><p>For some children, a parent’s alcoholism may or may not be encoded as traumatic. If it has been encoded as trauma, then it will show itself with one’s partner when alcohol becomes an issue in the relationship.</p><p>If a child has felt traumatised by a parent being out of control and aggressive, then this will typically cause them to be reactive with their partner around these issues, and they will be continuously seeking safety in their relationship. This is what Marco experienced as a child, and it’s made him fearful of being with someone who may trigger his childhood trauma.</p><p>If a child has had a parent leave the family suddenly due to an affair, then this may be encoded as traumatic. This is Jenna’s trauma, where her mum left her dad for another man when she was 12. Her dad was unable to cope for about a year and this meant Jenna had no parent able to help her cope with the loss of her mum.</p><p>Liam’s dad was cruel. He continuously made statements of how ‘useless’ he was. He’d tell him to ‘man-up’ even when he was a little boy. His mum never said anything. She was scared of his dad’s harsh tongue too. Liam could be terrified of his dad and was traumatised by him. In his couple relationship, Liam often believes his partner thinks he’s not good enough. He tries to hide it by doing so much for her and being too good to be true. He spends so much time worrying about her and how she feels about him, just like he did as a child with his dad.</p><p>As you can see, trauma disrupts the child’s ability to feel safer in their adult relationships. These are only a few examples, where as adults there is so much fear and pre-occupation with one’s partner about an impending catastrophe in the relationship.</p><p>If this is you, you don’t have to live like this. It’s important to understand the impact of your trauma so you can heal from it, liberating your mind and body from the hold the trauma has over your life and relationship.</p><p>If you think you have experienced trauma in childhood and are unsure whether it’s impacting your life and relationship, please feel free to contact me <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/get-in-touch/\"><strong>here</strong></a>.</p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (2072414141)</em></p>','Why Do I Keep Seeing a Catastrophe in The Future?','','inherit','closed','closed','','5269-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 11:29:32','2022-08-26 11:29:32','',5269,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5274',0,'revision','',0),(5275,1,'2022-08-28 12:31:58','2022-08-28 12:31:58','','Order &ndash; August 28, 2022 @ 12:31 PM','','wc-completed','open','closed','wc_order_u7pDL7ZzlrTtR','order-aug-28-2022-1231-pm','','','2022-10-31 09:28:29','2022-10-31 09:28:29','',0,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?post_type=shop_order&#038;p=5275',0,'shop_order','',7),(5276,3,'2022-08-30 08:48:37','2022-08-30 08:48:37','<style>/*! elementor - v3.6.7 - 03-07-2022 */\n.e-container.e-container--row .elementor-spacer-inner{width:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container.e-container--column .elementor-spacer-inner,.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}</style>		\n            <h1>\n                Products            \n        </h1>\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.6.7 - 03-07-2022 */\n.elementor-widget-image{text-align:center}.elementor-widget-image a{display:inline-block}.elementor-widget-image a img[src$=\".svg\"]{width:48px}.elementor-widget-image img{vertical-align:middle;display:inline-block}</style>												<img width=\"300\" height=\"300\" src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Learn-to-Skilfully-Communicate-300x300-1.jpg\" alt=\"\" srcset=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Learn-to-Skilfully-Communicate-300x300-1.jpg 300w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Learn-to-Skilfully-Communicate-300x300-1-150x150.jpg 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" />															\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.6.7 - 03-07-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h3>Fight Less, Love More</h3>		\n		<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><em><strong>$1,497.00</strong></em></p><p style=\"text-align: center;\"><img src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/5-Star-Review.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"93\" height=\"26\" /></p>		\n															<img width=\"199\" height=\"300\" src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-199x300.jpg\" alt=\"Relationship Reset\" srcset=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-199x300.jpg 199w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-680x1024.jpg 680w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-768x1157.jpg 768w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-1020x1536.jpg 1020w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-1359x2048.jpg 1359w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-610x919.jpg 610w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-600x904.jpg 600w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-scaled.jpg 1699w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 199px) 100vw, 199px\" />															\n			<h3>Relationship Reset</h3>		\n		<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><em><strong>$34.99</strong></em></p><p style=\"text-align: center;\"><img src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/5-Star-Review.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"93\" height=\"26\" /></p>		\n    <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/product/fight-less-love-more/\">\n                Learn more\n    </a>\n    <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/relationship-reset/\">\n                Learn More\n    </a>','Products','','inherit','closed','closed','','4587-revision-v1','','','2022-08-30 08:48:37','2022-08-30 08:48:37','',4587,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5276',0,'revision','',0),(5277,3,'2022-08-30 08:48:37','2022-08-30 08:48:37','<style>/*! elementor - v3.6.7 - 03-07-2022 */\n.e-container.e-container--row .elementor-spacer-inner{width:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container.e-container--column .elementor-spacer-inner,.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}</style>		\n            <h1>\n                Products            \n        </h1>\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.6.7 - 03-07-2022 */\n.elementor-widget-image{text-align:center}.elementor-widget-image a{display:inline-block}.elementor-widget-image a img[src$=\".svg\"]{width:48px}.elementor-widget-image img{vertical-align:middle;display:inline-block}</style>												<img width=\"300\" height=\"300\" src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Learn-to-Skilfully-Communicate-300x300-1.jpg\" alt=\"\" srcset=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Learn-to-Skilfully-Communicate-300x300-1.jpg 300w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Learn-to-Skilfully-Communicate-300x300-1-150x150.jpg 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" />															\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.6.7 - 03-07-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h3>Fight Less, Love More</h3>		\n		<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><em><strong>$1,497.00</strong></em></p><p style=\"text-align: center;\"><img src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/5-Star-Review.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"93\" height=\"26\" /></p>		\n															<img width=\"199\" height=\"300\" src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-199x300.jpg\" alt=\"Relationship Reset\" srcset=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-199x300.jpg 199w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-680x1024.jpg 680w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-768x1157.jpg 768w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-1020x1536.jpg 1020w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-1359x2048.jpg 1359w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-610x919.jpg 610w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-600x904.jpg 600w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-scaled.jpg 1699w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 199px) 100vw, 199px\" />															\n			<h3>Relationship Reset</h3>		\n		<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><em><strong>$34.99</strong></em></p><p style=\"text-align: center;\"><img src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/5-Star-Review.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"93\" height=\"26\" /></p>		\n    <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/product/fight-less-love-more/\">\n                Learn more\n    </a>\n    <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/relationship-reset/\">\n                Learn More\n    </a>','Products','','inherit','closed','closed','','4587-revision-v1','','','2022-08-30 08:48:37','2022-08-30 08:48:37','',4587,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5277',0,'revision','',0),(5278,3,'2022-08-30 08:48:37','2022-08-30 08:48:37','<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.3 - 29-08-2022 */\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>		\n            <h1>\n                Products            \n        </h1>\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.3 - 29-08-2022 */\n.elementor-widget-image{text-align:center}.elementor-widget-image a{display:inline-block}.elementor-widget-image a img[src$=\".svg\"]{width:48px}.elementor-widget-image img{vertical-align:middle;display:inline-block}</style>												<img width=\"300\" height=\"300\" src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Learn-to-Skilfully-Communicate-300x300-1.jpg\" alt=\"\" srcset=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Learn-to-Skilfully-Communicate-300x300-1.jpg 300w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Learn-to-Skilfully-Communicate-300x300-1-150x150.jpg 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" />															\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.3 - 29-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h3>Fight Less, Love More</h3>		\n		<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><em><strong>$1,497.00</strong></em></p><p style=\"text-align: center;\"><img src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/5-Star-Review.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"93\" height=\"26\" /></p>		\n    <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/product/fight-less-love-more/\">\n                Learn More\n    </a>\n															<img width=\"199\" height=\"300\" src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-199x300.jpg\" alt=\"Relationship Reset\" srcset=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-199x300.jpg 199w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-680x1024.jpg 680w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-768x1157.jpg 768w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-1020x1536.jpg 1020w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-1359x2048.jpg 1359w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-610x919.jpg 610w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-600x904.jpg 600w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-scaled.jpg 1699w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 199px) 100vw, 199px\" />															\n			<h3>Relationship Reset</h3>		\n		<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><em><strong>$34.99</strong></em></p><p style=\"text-align: center;\"><img src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/5-Star-Review.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"93\" height=\"26\" /></p>		\n    <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/product/fight-less-love-more/\">\n                Learn more\n    </a>\n    <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/relationship-reset/\">\n                Learn More\n    </a>','Products','','inherit','closed','closed','','4587-revision-v1','','','2022-08-30 08:48:37','2022-08-30 08:48:37','',4587,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5278',0,'revision','',0),(5279,3,'2022-08-30 08:49:35','2022-08-30 08:49:35','<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.3 - 29-08-2022 */\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>		\n            <h1>\n                Products            \n        </h1>\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.3 - 29-08-2022 */\n.elementor-widget-image{text-align:center}.elementor-widget-image a{display:inline-block}.elementor-widget-image a img[src$=\".svg\"]{width:48px}.elementor-widget-image img{vertical-align:middle;display:inline-block}</style>												<img width=\"300\" height=\"300\" src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Learn-to-Skilfully-Communicate-300x300-1.jpg\" alt=\"\" srcset=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Learn-to-Skilfully-Communicate-300x300-1.jpg 300w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Learn-to-Skilfully-Communicate-300x300-1-150x150.jpg 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" />															\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.3 - 29-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h3>Fight Less, Love More</h3>		\n		<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><em><strong>$1,497.00</strong></em></p><p style=\"text-align: center;\"><img src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/5-Star-Review.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"93\" height=\"26\" /></p>		\n    <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/product/fight-less-love-more/\">\n                Learn More\n    </a>\n															<img width=\"199\" height=\"300\" src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-199x300.jpg\" alt=\"Relationship Reset\" srcset=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-199x300.jpg 199w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-680x1024.jpg 680w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-768x1157.jpg 768w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-1020x1536.jpg 1020w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-1359x2048.jpg 1359w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-610x919.jpg 610w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-600x904.jpg 600w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-scaled.jpg 1699w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 199px) 100vw, 199px\" />															\n			<h3>Relationship Reset</h3>		\n		<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><em><strong>$34.99</strong></em></p><p style=\"text-align: center;\"><img src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/5-Star-Review.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"93\" height=\"26\" /></p>		\n    <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/product/fight-less-love-more/\">\n                Learn more\n    </a>\n    <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/relationship-reset/\">\n                Learn More\n    </a>','Products','','inherit','closed','closed','','4587-revision-v1','','','2022-08-30 08:49:35','2022-08-30 08:49:35','',4587,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5279',0,'revision','',0),(5280,3,'2022-08-30 08:49:35','2022-08-30 08:49:35','<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.3 - 29-08-2022 */\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>		\n            <h1>\n                Products            \n        </h1>\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.3 - 29-08-2022 */\n.elementor-widget-image{text-align:center}.elementor-widget-image a{display:inline-block}.elementor-widget-image a img[src$=\".svg\"]{width:48px}.elementor-widget-image img{vertical-align:middle;display:inline-block}</style>												<img width=\"300\" height=\"300\" src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Learn-to-Skilfully-Communicate-300x300-1.jpg\" alt=\"\" srcset=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Learn-to-Skilfully-Communicate-300x300-1.jpg 300w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Learn-to-Skilfully-Communicate-300x300-1-150x150.jpg 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" />															\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.3 - 29-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h3>Fight Less, Love More</h3>		\n		<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><em><strong>$1,497.00</strong></em></p><p style=\"text-align: center;\"><img src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/5-Star-Review.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"93\" height=\"26\" /></p>		\n    <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/product/fight-less-love-more/\">\n                Learn More\n    </a>\n															<img width=\"199\" height=\"300\" src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-199x300.jpg\" alt=\"Relationship Reset\" srcset=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-199x300.jpg 199w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-680x1024.jpg 680w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-768x1157.jpg 768w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-1020x1536.jpg 1020w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-1359x2048.jpg 1359w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-610x919.jpg 610w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-600x904.jpg 600w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-scaled.jpg 1699w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 199px) 100vw, 199px\" />															\n			<h3>Relationship Reset</h3>		\n		<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><em><strong>$34.99</strong></em></p><p style=\"text-align: center;\"><img src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/5-Star-Review.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"93\" height=\"26\" /></p>		\n    <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/product/fight-less-love-more/\">\n                Learn more\n    </a>\n    <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/relationship-reset/\">\n                Learn More\n    </a>','Products','','inherit','closed','closed','','4587-revision-v1','','','2022-08-30 08:49:35','2022-08-30 08:49:35','',4587,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5280',0,'revision','',0),(5281,3,'2022-08-30 08:49:35','2022-08-30 08:49:35','<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.3 - 29-08-2022 */\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>		\n            <h1>\n                Products            \n        </h1>\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.3 - 29-08-2022 */\n.elementor-widget-image{text-align:center}.elementor-widget-image a{display:inline-block}.elementor-widget-image a img[src$=\".svg\"]{width:48px}.elementor-widget-image img{vertical-align:middle;display:inline-block}</style>												<img width=\"300\" height=\"300\" src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Learn-to-Skilfully-Communicate-300x300-1.jpg\" alt=\"\" srcset=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Learn-to-Skilfully-Communicate-300x300-1.jpg 300w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Learn-to-Skilfully-Communicate-300x300-1-150x150.jpg 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" />															\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.3 - 29-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h3>Fight Less, Love More</h3>		\n		<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><em><strong>$1,497.00</strong></em></p><p style=\"text-align: center;\"><img src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/5-Star-Review.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"93\" height=\"26\" /></p>		\n    <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/product/fight-less-love-more/\">\n                Learn More\n    </a>\n															<img width=\"199\" height=\"300\" src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-199x300.jpg\" alt=\"Relationship Reset\" srcset=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-199x300.jpg 199w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-680x1024.jpg 680w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-768x1157.jpg 768w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-1020x1536.jpg 1020w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-1359x2048.jpg 1359w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-610x919.jpg 610w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-600x904.jpg 600w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-scaled.jpg 1699w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 199px) 100vw, 199px\" />															\n			<h3>Relationship Reset</h3>		\n		<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><em><strong>$34.99</strong></em></p><p style=\"text-align: center;\"><img src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/5-Star-Review.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"93\" height=\"26\" /></p>		\n    <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/product/fight-less-love-more/\">\n                Learn more\n    </a>\n    <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/relationship-reset/\">\n                Learn More\n    </a>','Products','','inherit','closed','closed','','4587-revision-v1','','','2022-08-30 08:49:35','2022-08-30 08:49:35','',4587,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5281',0,'revision','',0),(5282,3,'2022-08-30 08:59:04','2022-08-30 08:59:04','<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.3 - 29-08-2022 */\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>		\n            <h1>\n                Products            \n        </h1>\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.3 - 29-08-2022 */\n.elementor-widget-image{text-align:center}.elementor-widget-image a{display:inline-block}.elementor-widget-image a img[src$=\".svg\"]{width:48px}.elementor-widget-image img{vertical-align:middle;display:inline-block}</style>												<img width=\"300\" height=\"300\" src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Learn-to-Skilfully-Communicate-300x300-1.jpg\" alt=\"\" srcset=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Learn-to-Skilfully-Communicate-300x300-1.jpg 300w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Learn-to-Skilfully-Communicate-300x300-1-150x150.jpg 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" />															\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.3 - 29-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h3>Fight Less, Love More</h3>		\n		<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><em><strong>$1,497.00</strong></em></p><p style=\"text-align: center;\"><img src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/5-Star-Review.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"93\" height=\"26\" /></p>		\n    <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/product/fight-less-love-more/\">\n                Learn More\n    </a>\n															<img width=\"199\" height=\"300\" src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-199x300.jpg\" alt=\"Relationship Reset\" srcset=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-199x300.jpg 199w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-680x1024.jpg 680w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-768x1157.jpg 768w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-1020x1536.jpg 1020w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-1359x2048.jpg 1359w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-610x919.jpg 610w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-600x904.jpg 600w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-scaled.jpg 1699w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 199px) 100vw, 199px\" />															\n			<h3>Relationship Reset</h3>		\n		<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><em><strong>$34.99</strong></em></p><p style=\"text-align: center;\"><img src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/5-Star-Review.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"93\" height=\"26\" /></p>		\n    <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/product/fight-less-love-more/\">\n                Learn more\n    </a>\n    <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/relationship-reset/\">\n                Learn More\n    </a>','Products','','inherit','closed','closed','','4587-revision-v1','','','2022-08-30 08:59:04','2022-08-30 08:59:04','',4587,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5282',0,'revision','',0),(5283,3,'2022-08-30 08:59:04','2022-08-30 08:59:04','<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.3 - 29-08-2022 */\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>		\n            <h1>\n                Products            \n        </h1>\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.3 - 29-08-2022 */\n.elementor-widget-image{text-align:center}.elementor-widget-image a{display:inline-block}.elementor-widget-image a img[src$=\".svg\"]{width:48px}.elementor-widget-image img{vertical-align:middle;display:inline-block}</style>												<img width=\"300\" height=\"300\" src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Learn-to-Skilfully-Communicate-300x300-1.jpg\" alt=\"\" srcset=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Learn-to-Skilfully-Communicate-300x300-1.jpg 300w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Learn-to-Skilfully-Communicate-300x300-1-150x150.jpg 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" />															\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.3 - 29-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h3>Fight Less, Love More</h3>		\n		<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><em><strong>$1,497.00</strong></em></p><p style=\"text-align: center;\"><img src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/5-Star-Review.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"93\" height=\"26\" /></p>		\n    <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/product/fight-less-love-more/\">\n                Learn More\n    </a>\n															<img width=\"199\" height=\"300\" src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-199x300.jpg\" alt=\"Relationship Reset\" srcset=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-199x300.jpg 199w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-680x1024.jpg 680w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-768x1157.jpg 768w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-1020x1536.jpg 1020w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-1359x2048.jpg 1359w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-610x919.jpg 610w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-600x904.jpg 600w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-scaled.jpg 1699w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 199px) 100vw, 199px\" />															\n			<h3>Relationship Reset</h3>		\n		<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><em><strong>$34.99</strong></em></p><p style=\"text-align: center;\"><img src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/5-Star-Review.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"93\" height=\"26\" /></p>		\n    <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/product/fight-less-love-more/\">\n                Learn more\n    </a>\n    <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/relationship-reset/\">\n                Learn More\n    </a>','Products','','inherit','closed','closed','','4587-revision-v1','','','2022-08-30 08:59:04','2022-08-30 08:59:04','',4587,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5283',0,'revision','',0),(5284,3,'2022-08-30 08:59:04','2022-08-30 08:59:04','<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.3 - 29-08-2022 */\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>		\n            <h1>\n                Products            \n        </h1>\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.3 - 29-08-2022 */\n.elementor-widget-image{text-align:center}.elementor-widget-image a{display:inline-block}.elementor-widget-image a img[src$=\".svg\"]{width:48px}.elementor-widget-image img{vertical-align:middle;display:inline-block}</style>												<img width=\"300\" height=\"300\" src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Learn-to-Skilfully-Communicate-300x300-1.jpg\" alt=\"\" srcset=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Learn-to-Skilfully-Communicate-300x300-1.jpg 300w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Learn-to-Skilfully-Communicate-300x300-1-150x150.jpg 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" />															\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.3 - 29-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h3>Fight Less, Love More</h3>		\n		<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><em><strong>$1,497.00</strong></em></p><p style=\"text-align: center;\"><img src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/5-Star-Review.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"93\" height=\"26\" /></p>		\n    <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/product/fight-less-love-more/\">\n                Learn More\n    </a>\n															<img width=\"199\" height=\"300\" src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-199x300.jpg\" alt=\"Relationship Reset\" srcset=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-199x300.jpg 199w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-680x1024.jpg 680w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-768x1157.jpg 768w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-1020x1536.jpg 1020w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-1359x2048.jpg 1359w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-610x919.jpg 610w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-600x904.jpg 600w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-scaled.jpg 1699w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 199px) 100vw, 199px\" />															\n			<h3>Relationship Reset</h3>		\n		<p style=\"text-align: center;\"><em><strong>$34.99</strong></em></p><p style=\"text-align: center;\"><img src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/5-Star-Review.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"93\" height=\"26\" /></p>		\n    <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/product/fight-less-love-more/\">\n                Learn more\n    </a>\n    <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/relationship-reset/\">\n                Learn More\n    </a>','Products','','inherit','closed','closed','','4587-revision-v1','','','2022-08-30 08:59:04','2022-08-30 08:59:04','',4587,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5284',0,'revision','',0),(5287,3,'2022-09-08 11:10:16','2022-09-08 11:10:16','<p>Us poor mortals! We have some major blind spots that impact our lives and relationships. I’ve totally felt the impact of these blind spots throughout life, and I can guarantee that you have too. As these blind spots are held in our unconscious mind – we simply don’t know what they are how they cause us to create distress and chaos. Put simply, we don’t know what we don’t know and we can pay a hefty price for this.</p><p>The blind spot I want to discuss today is <b>TRIGGERS</b> – this is a monster blind spot!</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.4 - 31-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h2>What is a trigger?</h2>		\n		<p>A trigger is any behaviour or stimuli that causes us to recall a traumatic or distressing emotional experience from the past.</p><p>The problem we face is that when we have been triggered, we have no awareness of this past event, and the emotional experience feels very present. Some of these past events that distressed us happened when we were  young, and often with parents or caregivers who were: </p>		\n			<link rel=\"stylesheet\" href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/plugins/elementor/assets/css/widget-icon-list.min.css\">		<ul>\n							<li>\n										overbearing\n									</li>\n								<li>\n										controlling\n									</li>\n								<li>\n										critical\n									</li>\n								<li>\n										disappoving\n									</li>\n								<li>\n										blaming\n									</li>\n								<li>\n										judgmental\n									</li>\n								<li>\n										unsupportive\n									</li>\n								<li>\n										unavailable\n									</li>\n								<li>\n										frightening\n									</li>\n								<li>\n										abusive or violent\n									</li>\n						</ul>\n		<p>Parents didn’t necessarily mean to be frightening, judgmental, disapproving or overbearing. They have their blind spots too. The thing is that children are so dependent on them for absolutely everything emotionally, practically, and financially. Children are rather powerless in the scheme of things.</p><p>This means that as children we were vulnerable to the emotional state of our parents. If they were sufficiently well and present, then we were fortunate and experienced less fear in childhood. Yet if not, then home would have had moments of being frightening and even traumatizing.</p><p>These experiences leave an imprint on our mind and body, which remains with us throughout life, unless we find ways to heal. The imprint it leaves is fear, which remains encoded and causes us to have greater reactivity and insecurity throughout life and in a whole host of relationships.</p><p>This means that throughout life we will perceive our environment and relationships to be more threatening causing us to be more triggered than those raised with more stability.</p><p>When we’re triggered, the emotions in the present feel awful, overwhelming, and even dangerous because the triggering event or behaviour has, what I call, a whiff of familiarity to the past. At that moment we can feel as small and vulnerable as we did in childhood. It doesn’t mean that we are actually in a similarly vulnerable position again – we just feel it’s the same level of vulnerability.</p><p>We feel the fear like we did when we were small, and attribute this to whoever we are with. Is it our partner’s tone of voice or their volume? Is it a look of disapproval from our boss? Is it an action or a particular phrase they use? We all have different triggers based on what is encoded in our relational template.</p><p>Whether we are with friends, family, our partner, or with colleagues, we will be more prone to being triggered. We will perceive others to be a threat to us and then react to them as if the threat were similar to the threat we experienced in childhood. This causes us to go into survival mode – our fight-or-flight response.</p><p>In<strong> fight mode</strong> we may yell, complain, tantrum, use pushback, name call or belittle the person who we believe is a threat to us.</p><p>In <strong>flight mode</strong>, we may want to escape by leaving for another room or the streets or even turn to self-destructive behaviours like drinking alcohol or becoming compliant – to make the feelings go away.</p><p>The problem with triggers is that our boss, colleague, partner, children, mother-in-law, or friend, were not around when we were frightened, overwhelmed or sad as a child. They are just being themselves and are not in contact with our triggers. It’s critical we identify our triggers and understand where they come from, or we will continue to create distress and chaos in our own lives and in the lives of others.</p>','Triggers – Blind Spots That Become Landmines','','publish','open','open','','triggers-blind-spots-that-become-landmines','','','2022-09-08 11:19:16','2022-09-08 11:19:16','',0,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5287',0,'post','',0),(5288,3,'2022-09-08 11:07:16','2022-09-08 11:07:16','','Child watching parents fight','','inherit','open','closed','','child-watching-parents-fight','','','2022-09-08 11:07:16','2022-09-08 11:07:16','',5287,'http://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/09/Child-watching-parents-fight.jpeg',0,'attachment','image/jpeg',0),(5289,3,'2022-09-08 11:10:16','2022-09-08 11:10:16','We all have a friend, or are the friend, who can see danger down the track. It could be impending danger or a catastrophe a mile off. The catastrophe I’m talking about is not about earthquakes or floods, nor is it about bus crashes or stampeding elephants. I’m talking about the ever-present sense of an impending catastrophe in one’s couple relationship.\r\n\r\nMy client Jenna doesn’t trust her boyfriend and secretly checks his phone. He’s never done anything for her to doubt him. He’s not secretive, and even leaves his phone around the flat. Why does Jenna do this? What’s she worried about? She hates checking yet feels compelled to do it.\r\n\r\nMy friend Liam told me last week he fears his partner of 4 years is going to end their relationship. He’s often worried. He doesn’t want to lose his partner, and even though she hasn’t said anything, he just can’t shake the feeling she thinks he’s not good enough. He often feels insecure and gets jealous easily. He dreams of moving with her to the countryside where it’s just the two of them.\r\n\r\nMarco from my gym group won’t date anyone more than three times. He says “what’s the point? All relationships start well and end in shit! I may as well bail while I can.”\r\n\r\nWhy do some people do this, and others don’t? The quick answer is trauma. These people have all experienced trauma in their relationships, either with parents or caregivers in childhood or in their adult couple relationships. Through these relationships where life was at times, distressing or frightening, they were altered by trauma. Traumatic experiences become encoded in our mind and body, and unless they are healed they will re-emerge later in life.\r\n\r\n<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */<br />\r\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style>\r\n<h2>What is trauma?</h2>\r\nTrauma and addiction expert, Gabor Mate, states that trauma is “a psychic wound that hardens you psychologically that then interferes with your ability to grow and develop. It pains you and now you’re acting out of pain. It induces fear and now you’re acting out of fear. “Trauma is not what happens to you, it’s what happens inside you as a result of what happened to you.”\r\n\r\nWhat this means is that the same situation may or may not be encoded as a trauma for different people. For example, not all soldiers returning from Vietnam had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, even if they went through similar experiences.\r\n\r\nLet’s look at relational trauma. This wires a child’s mind and nervous system with negativity and fear. This is encoded and then presents itself in adult relationships where they become hypervigilant and insecure in their couple relationship.\r\n\r\nFor some children, a parent’s alcoholism may or may not be encoded as traumatic. If it has been encoded as trauma, then it will show itself with one’s partner when alcohol becomes an issue in the relationship.\r\n\r\nIf a child has felt traumatised by a parent being out of control and aggressive, then this will typically cause them to be reactive with their partner around these issues, and they will be continuously seeking safety in their relationship. This is what Marco experienced as a child, and it’s made him fearful of being with someone who may trigger his childhood trauma.\r\n\r\nIf a child has had a parent leave the family suddenly due to an affair, then this may be encoded as traumatic. This is Jenna’s trauma, where her mum left her dad for another man when she was 12. Her dad was unable to cope for about a year and this meant Jenna had no parent able to help her cope with the loss of her mum.\r\n\r\nLiam’s dad was cruel. He continuously made statements of how ‘useless’ he was. He’d tell him to ‘man-up’ even when he was a little boy. His mum never said anything. She was scared of his dad’s harsh tongue too. Liam could be terrified of his dad and was traumatised by him. In his couple relationship, Liam often believes his partner thinks he’s not good enough. He tries to hide it by doing so much for her and being too good to be true. He spends so much time worrying about her and how she feels about him, just like he did as a child with his dad.\r\n\r\nAs you can see, trauma disrupts the child’s ability to feel safer in their adult relationships. These are only a few examples, where as adults there is so much fear and pre-occupation with one’s partner about an impending catastrophe in the relationship.\r\n\r\nIf this is you, you don’t have to live like this. It’s important to understand the impact of your trauma so you can heal from it, liberating your mind and body from the hold the trauma has over your life and relationship.\r\n\r\nIf you think you have experienced trauma in childhood and are unsure whether it’s impacting your life and relationship, please feel free to contact me <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/get-in-touch/\"><strong>here</strong></a>.\r\n\r\n<em>Image source: Shutterstock (2072414141)</em>','Triggers – Blind Spots That Become Landmines','','inherit','closed','closed','','5287-revision-v1','','','2022-09-08 11:10:16','2022-09-08 11:10:16','',5287,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5289',0,'revision','',0),(5290,3,'2022-09-08 11:19:16','2022-09-08 11:19:16','We all have a friend, or are the friend, who can see danger down the track. It could be impending danger or a catastrophe a mile off. The catastrophe I’m talking about is not about earthquakes or floods, nor is it about bus crashes or stampeding elephants. I’m talking about the ever-present sense of an impending catastrophe in one’s couple relationship.\r\n\r\nMy client Jenna doesn’t trust her boyfriend and secretly checks his phone. He’s never done anything for her to doubt him. He’s not secretive, and even leaves his phone around the flat. Why does Jenna do this? What’s she worried about? She hates checking yet feels compelled to do it.\r\n\r\nMy friend Liam told me last week he fears his partner of 4 years is going to end their relationship. He’s often worried. He doesn’t want to lose his partner, and even though she hasn’t said anything, he just can’t shake the feeling she thinks he’s not good enough. He often feels insecure and gets jealous easily. He dreams of moving with her to the countryside where it’s just the two of them.\r\n\r\nMarco from my gym group won’t date anyone more than three times. He says “what’s the point? All relationships start well and end in shit! I may as well bail while I can.”\r\n\r\nWhy do some people do this, and others don’t? The quick answer is trauma. These people have all experienced trauma in their relationships, either with parents or caregivers in childhood or in their adult couple relationships. Through these relationships where life was at times, distressing or frightening, they were altered by trauma. Traumatic experiences become encoded in our mind and body, and unless they are healed they will re-emerge later in life.\r\n\r\n<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */<br />\r\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style>\r\n<h2>What is trauma?</h2>\r\nTrauma and addiction expert, Gabor Mate, states that trauma is “a psychic wound that hardens you psychologically that then interferes with your ability to grow and develop. It pains you and now you’re acting out of pain. It induces fear and now you’re acting out of fear. “Trauma is not what happens to you, it’s what happens inside you as a result of what happened to you.”\r\n\r\nWhat this means is that the same situation may or may not be encoded as a trauma for different people. For example, not all soldiers returning from Vietnam had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, even if they went through similar experiences.\r\n\r\nLet’s look at relational trauma. This wires a child’s mind and nervous system with negativity and fear. This is encoded and then presents itself in adult relationships where they become hypervigilant and insecure in their couple relationship.\r\n\r\nFor some children, a parent’s alcoholism may or may not be encoded as traumatic. If it has been encoded as trauma, then it will show itself with one’s partner when alcohol becomes an issue in the relationship.\r\n\r\nIf a child has felt traumatised by a parent being out of control and aggressive, then this will typically cause them to be reactive with their partner around these issues, and they will be continuously seeking safety in their relationship. This is what Marco experienced as a child, and it’s made him fearful of being with someone who may trigger his childhood trauma.\r\n\r\nIf a child has had a parent leave the family suddenly due to an affair, then this may be encoded as traumatic. This is Jenna’s trauma, where her mum left her dad for another man when she was 12. Her dad was unable to cope for about a year and this meant Jenna had no parent able to help her cope with the loss of her mum.\r\n\r\nLiam’s dad was cruel. He continuously made statements of how ‘useless’ he was. He’d tell him to ‘man-up’ even when he was a little boy. His mum never said anything. She was scared of his dad’s harsh tongue too. Liam could be terrified of his dad and was traumatised by him. In his couple relationship, Liam often believes his partner thinks he’s not good enough. He tries to hide it by doing so much for her and being too good to be true. He spends so much time worrying about her and how she feels about him, just like he did as a child with his dad.\r\n\r\nAs you can see, trauma disrupts the child’s ability to feel safer in their adult relationships. These are only a few examples, where as adults there is so much fear and pre-occupation with one’s partner about an impending catastrophe in the relationship.\r\n\r\nIf this is you, you don’t have to live like this. It’s important to understand the impact of your trauma so you can heal from it, liberating your mind and body from the hold the trauma has over your life and relationship.\r\n\r\nIf you think you have experienced trauma in childhood and are unsure whether it’s impacting your life and relationship, please feel free to contact me <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/get-in-touch/\"><strong>here</strong></a>.\r\n\r\n<em>Image source: Shutterstock (2072414141)</em>','Triggers – Blind Spots That Become Landmines','','inherit','closed','closed','','5287-revision-v1','','','2022-09-08 11:19:16','2022-09-08 11:19:16','',5287,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5290',0,'revision','',0),(5291,3,'2022-09-08 11:19:16','2022-09-08 11:19:16','We all have a friend, or are the friend, who can see danger down the track. It could be impending danger or a catastrophe a mile off. The catastrophe I’m talking about is not about earthquakes or floods, nor is it about bus crashes or stampeding elephants. I’m talking about the ever-present sense of an impending catastrophe in one’s couple relationship.\r\n\r\nMy client Jenna doesn’t trust her boyfriend and secretly checks his phone. He’s never done anything for her to doubt him. He’s not secretive, and even leaves his phone around the flat. Why does Jenna do this? What’s she worried about? She hates checking yet feels compelled to do it.\r\n\r\nMy friend Liam told me last week he fears his partner of 4 years is going to end their relationship. He’s often worried. He doesn’t want to lose his partner, and even though she hasn’t said anything, he just can’t shake the feeling she thinks he’s not good enough. He often feels insecure and gets jealous easily. He dreams of moving with her to the countryside where it’s just the two of them.\r\n\r\nMarco from my gym group won’t date anyone more than three times. He says “what’s the point? All relationships start well and end in shit! I may as well bail while I can.”\r\n\r\nWhy do some people do this, and others don’t? The quick answer is trauma. These people have all experienced trauma in their relationships, either with parents or caregivers in childhood or in their adult couple relationships. Through these relationships where life was at times, distressing or frightening, they were altered by trauma. Traumatic experiences become encoded in our mind and body, and unless they are healed they will re-emerge later in life.\r\n\r\n<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */<br />\r\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style>\r\n<h2>What is trauma?</h2>\r\nTrauma and addiction expert, Gabor Mate, states that trauma is “a psychic wound that hardens you psychologically that then interferes with your ability to grow and develop. It pains you and now you’re acting out of pain. It induces fear and now you’re acting out of fear. “Trauma is not what happens to you, it’s what happens inside you as a result of what happened to you.”\r\n\r\nWhat this means is that the same situation may or may not be encoded as a trauma for different people. For example, not all soldiers returning from Vietnam had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, even if they went through similar experiences.\r\n\r\nLet’s look at relational trauma. This wires a child’s mind and nervous system with negativity and fear. This is encoded and then presents itself in adult relationships where they become hypervigilant and insecure in their couple relationship.\r\n\r\nFor some children, a parent’s alcoholism may or may not be encoded as traumatic. If it has been encoded as trauma, then it will show itself with one’s partner when alcohol becomes an issue in the relationship.\r\n\r\nIf a child has felt traumatised by a parent being out of control and aggressive, then this will typically cause them to be reactive with their partner around these issues, and they will be continuously seeking safety in their relationship. This is what Marco experienced as a child, and it’s made him fearful of being with someone who may trigger his childhood trauma.\r\n\r\nIf a child has had a parent leave the family suddenly due to an affair, then this may be encoded as traumatic. This is Jenna’s trauma, where her mum left her dad for another man when she was 12. Her dad was unable to cope for about a year and this meant Jenna had no parent able to help her cope with the loss of her mum.\r\n\r\nLiam’s dad was cruel. He continuously made statements of how ‘useless’ he was. He’d tell him to ‘man-up’ even when he was a little boy. His mum never said anything. She was scared of his dad’s harsh tongue too. Liam could be terrified of his dad and was traumatised by him. In his couple relationship, Liam often believes his partner thinks he’s not good enough. He tries to hide it by doing so much for her and being too good to be true. He spends so much time worrying about her and how she feels about him, just like he did as a child with his dad.\r\n\r\nAs you can see, trauma disrupts the child’s ability to feel safer in their adult relationships. These are only a few examples, where as adults there is so much fear and pre-occupation with one’s partner about an impending catastrophe in the relationship.\r\n\r\nIf this is you, you don’t have to live like this. It’s important to understand the impact of your trauma so you can heal from it, liberating your mind and body from the hold the trauma has over your life and relationship.\r\n\r\nIf you think you have experienced trauma in childhood and are unsure whether it’s impacting your life and relationship, please feel free to contact me <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/get-in-touch/\"><strong>here</strong></a>.\r\n\r\n<em>Image source: Shutterstock (2072414141)</em>','Triggers – Blind Spots That Become Landmines','','inherit','closed','closed','','5287-revision-v1','','','2022-09-08 11:19:16','2022-09-08 11:19:16','',5287,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5291',0,'revision','',0),(5292,3,'2022-09-08 11:19:16','2022-09-08 11:19:16','<p>Us poor mortals! We have some major blind spots that impact our lives and relationships. I’ve totally felt the impact of these blind spots throughout life, and I can guarantee that you have too. As these blind spots are held in our unconscious mind – we simply don’t know what they are how they cause us to create distress and chaos. Put simply, we don’t know what we don’t know and we can pay a hefty price for this.</p><p>The blind spot I want to discuss today is <b>TRIGGERS</b> – this is a monster blind spot!</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.4 - 31-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h2>What is a trigger?</h2>		\n		<p>A trigger is any behaviour or stimuli that causes us to recall a traumatic or distressing emotional experience from the past.</p><p>The problem we face is that when we have been triggered, we have no awareness of this past event, and the emotional experience feels very present. Some of these past events that distressed us happened when we were  young, and often with parents or caregivers who were: </p>		\n			<link rel=\"stylesheet\" href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/plugins/elementor/assets/css/widget-icon-list.min.css\">		<ul>\n							<li>\n										overbearing\n									</li>\n								<li>\n										controlling\n									</li>\n								<li>\n										critical\n									</li>\n								<li>\n										disappoving\n									</li>\n								<li>\n										blaming\n									</li>\n								<li>\n										judgmental\n									</li>\n								<li>\n										unsupportive\n									</li>\n								<li>\n										unavailable\n									</li>\n								<li>\n										frightening\n									</li>\n								<li>\n										abusive or violent\n									</li>\n						</ul>\n		<p>Parents didn’t necessarily mean to be frightening, judgmental, disapproving or overbearing. They have their blind spots too. The thing is that children are so dependent on them for absolutely everything emotionally, practically, and financially. Children are rather powerless in the scheme of things.</p><p>This means that as children we were vulnerable to the emotional state of our parents. If they were sufficiently well and present, then we were fortunate and experienced less fear in childhood. Yet if not, then home would have had moments of being frightening and even traumatizing.</p><p>These experiences leave an imprint on our mind and body, which remains with us throughout life, unless we find ways to heal. The imprint it leaves is fear, which remains encoded and causes us to have greater reactivity and insecurity throughout life and in a whole host of relationships.</p><p>This means that throughout life we will perceive our environment and relationships to be more threatening causing us to be more triggered than those raised with more stability.</p><p>When we’re triggered, the emotions in the present feel awful, overwhelming, and even dangerous because the triggering event or behaviour has, what I call, a whiff of familiarity to the past. At that moment we can feel as small and vulnerable as we did in childhood. It doesn’t mean that we are actually in a similarly vulnerable position again – we just feel it’s the same level of vulnerability.</p><p>We feel the fear like we did when we were small, and attribute this to whoever we are with. Is it our partner’s tone of voice or their volume? Is it a look of disapproval from our boss? Is it an action or a particular phrase they use? We all have different triggers based on what is encoded in our relational template.</p><p>Whether we are with friends, family, our partner, or with colleagues, we will be more prone to being triggered. We will perceive others to be a threat to us and then react to them as if the threat were similar to the threat we experienced in childhood. This causes us to go into survival mode – our fight-or-flight response.</p><p>In<strong> fight mode</strong> we may yell, complain, tantrum, use pushback, name call or belittle the person who we believe is a threat to us.</p><p>In <strong>flight mode</strong>, we may want to escape by leaving for another room or the streets or even turn to self-destructive behaviours like drinking alcohol or becoming compliant – to make the feelings go away.</p><p>The problem with triggers is that our boss, colleague, partner, children, mother-in-law, or friend, were not around when we were frightened, overwhelmed or sad as a child. They are just being themselves and are not in contact with our triggers. It’s critical we identify our triggers and understand where they come from, or we will continue to create distress and chaos in our own lives and in the lives of others.</p>','Triggers – Blind Spots That Become Landmines','','inherit','closed','closed','','5287-revision-v1','','','2022-09-08 11:19:16','2022-09-08 11:19:16','',5287,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5292',0,'revision','',0),(5293,1,'2022-09-10 02:39:32','2022-09-10 02:39:32','','Order &ndash; September 10, 2022 @ 02:39 AM','','wc-completed','open','closed','wc_order_bwOs1YkIBBryL','order-sep-10-2022-0239-am','','','2022-10-31 09:28:30','2022-10-31 09:28:30','',0,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?post_type=shop_order&#038;p=5293',0,'shop_order','',5),(5294,3,'2022-09-14 11:15:32','2022-09-14 11:15:32','<p>Recently I shared with you how our triggers are a massive blind spot that can cause distress and chaos in our lives. And as they are unconscious, for most of us we have absolutely no idea what triggers us and why.</p><p>It is the why that leads me to share with you the next major blind spot that impacts our lives – this is our relational template. The way we have been consciously and unconsciously wired is held in our relational templates.</p><p>When we were young, we absorbed so much information, the happy and connected times, and the frightening or lonely times. Imagine that these experiences were encoded into our relational template – it is like a program that we run our relationships from throughout life.</p><p>It holds our expectations, beliefs, opinions, and rules for how we should or shouldn’t behave and be treated in a relationship. We all have a unique relational template – made up of thousands and thousands of interactions with parents or caregivers.</p><p>What we don’t truly understand is how we are wired for relationships inside of our own mind. We might get a glimpse of it through our behaviour or the stories we create about ourselves, others, and situations.</p><p>Our partner’s relational template will be different so there will always be a gap between theirs and ours. What’s critical is how partners navigate this gap. It’s the difference between a safe and happy enough relationship and one that struggles, has conflict, or even ends.</p><p>For many of us who can’t tolerate this gap, we will experience what’s called distress intolerance. This means we are unable to sit with the difficult feelings that come up for when faced with our partner having different relationship expectations, beliefs, opinions, or rules from us. </p><p>We can feel distressed, sad, lonely, overwhelmed if our partner doesn’t:</p>		\n			<link rel=\"stylesheet\" href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/plugins/elementor/assets/css/widget-icon-list.min.css\">		<ul>\n							<li>\n										Respect us in a way that we want to be respected \n									</li>\n								<li>\n										Protect us in a way that we want protection \n									</li>\n								<li>\n										Communicate in a way that we approve of\n									</li>\n								<li>\n										Celebrate our birthday or anniversary with significant importance\n									</li>\n								<li>\n										Offer us sufficient care, concern, or containment so we feel safe\n									</li>\n						</ul>\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.4 - 31-08-2022 */\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>		\n		<p>We can even feel betrayal at a deep level when faced with the reality of who our partner is, compared to who we want them to be, so we feel safe. We want them to operate according to our relational template. We may even try to control them and move them to be like us. This doesn’t work generally. No-one like to be changed or controlled and deep down we all want to be accepted for who we are.</p><p>If we can’t sit with and process this distress, we usually try to suppress it by stuffing it down inside of ourselves or we shove the awful feelings onto someone else. I call the latter emotional vomiting. We all know what it feels like to have someone’s emotional vomit on us. It feels brutal and icky. We will typically have something to say about it. </p><p>It’s critical for all of us to work on ourselves to stop the chaos and distress in our own lives. We also have a responsibility to not emotionally vomit on others. This means we need to understand how our own relational templates from childhood still operate in us today.</p><p>Are we still clingy? Are we still mistrusting? Are we still secretive? Are we still lonely? We don’t need to keep doing this today, but we can’t change what we don’t know. So how do we do this? Therapy, books, online courses, and podcasts are helpful for joining our past with our present. We can then increase our ability to tolerate the gap between our relational template and others, so we are less distressed and create less chaos in life.</p>','Relational Templates – Blind Spots That Become Landmines','','publish','open','open','','relational-templates-blind-spots-that-become-landmines','','','2022-09-14 11:19:17','2022-09-14 11:19:17','',0,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5294',0,'post','',0),(5295,3,'2022-09-14 11:15:18','2022-09-14 11:15:18','','blind spot word or concept represented by wooden letter tiles on','blind spot word or concept represented by wooden letter tiles on a wooden table with glasses and a book','inherit','open','closed','','blind-spot-word-or-concept-represented-by-wooden-letter-tiles-on','','','2022-09-14 11:15:18','2022-09-14 11:15:18','',5294,'http://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/09/Blind-Spot.jpeg',0,'attachment','image/jpeg',0),(5296,3,'2022-09-14 11:15:32','2022-09-14 11:15:32','Us poor mortals! We have some major blind spots that impact our lives and relationships. I’ve totally felt the impact of these blind spots throughout life, and I can guarantee that you have too. As these blind spots are held in our unconscious mind – we simply don’t know what they are how they cause us to create distress and chaos. Put simply, we don’t know what we don’t know and we can pay a hefty price for this.\r\n\r\nThe blind spot I want to discuss today is <b>TRIGGERS</b> – this is a monster blind spot!\r\n\r\n<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.4 - 31-08-2022 */<br />\r\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style>\r\n<h2>What is a trigger?</h2>\r\nA trigger is any behaviour or stimuli that causes us to recall a traumatic or distressing emotional experience from the past.\r\n\r\nThe problem we face is that when we have been triggered, we have no awareness of this past event, and the emotional experience feels very present. Some of these past events that distressed us happened when we were  young, and often with parents or caregivers who were:\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<ul>\r\n 	<li>overbearing</li>\r\n 	<li>controlling</li>\r\n 	<li>critical</li>\r\n 	<li>disappoving</li>\r\n 	<li>blaming</li>\r\n 	<li>judgmental</li>\r\n 	<li>unsupportive</li>\r\n 	<li>unavailable</li>\r\n 	<li>frightening</li>\r\n 	<li>abusive or violent</li>\r\n</ul>\r\nParents didn’t necessarily mean to be frightening, judgmental, disapproving or overbearing. They have their blind spots too. The thing is that children are so dependent on them for absolutely everything emotionally, practically, and financially. Children are rather powerless in the scheme of things.\r\n\r\nThis means that as children we were vulnerable to the emotional state of our parents. If they were sufficiently well and present, then we were fortunate and experienced less fear in childhood. Yet if not, then home would have had moments of being frightening and even traumatizing.\r\n\r\nThese experiences leave an imprint on our mind and body, which remains with us throughout life, unless we find ways to heal. The imprint it leaves is fear, which remains encoded and causes us to have greater reactivity and insecurity throughout life and in a whole host of relationships.\r\n\r\nThis means that throughout life we will perceive our environment and relationships to be more threatening causing us to be more triggered than those raised with more stability.\r\n\r\nWhen we’re triggered, the emotions in the present feel awful, overwhelming, and even dangerous because the triggering event or behaviour has, what I call, a whiff of familiarity to the past. At that moment we can feel as small and vulnerable as we did in childhood. It doesn’t mean that we are actually in a similarly vulnerable position again – we just feel it’s the same level of vulnerability.\r\n\r\nWe feel the fear like we did when we were small, and attribute this to whoever we are with. Is it our partner’s tone of voice or their volume? Is it a look of disapproval from our boss? Is it an action or a particular phrase they use? We all have different triggers based on what is encoded in our relational template.\r\n\r\nWhether we are with friends, family, our partner, or with colleagues, we will be more prone to being triggered. We will perceive others to be a threat to us and then react to them as if the threat were similar to the threat we experienced in childhood. This causes us to go into survival mode – our fight-or-flight response.\r\n\r\nIn<strong> fight mode</strong> we may yell, complain, tantrum, use pushback, name call or belittle the person who we believe is a threat to us.\r\n\r\nIn <strong>flight mode</strong>, we may want to escape by leaving for another room or the streets or even turn to self-destructive behaviours like drinking alcohol or becoming compliant – to make the feelings go away.\r\n\r\nThe problem with triggers is that our boss, colleague, partner, children, mother-in-law, or friend, were not around when we were frightened, overwhelmed or sad as a child. They are just being themselves and are not in contact with our triggers. It’s critical we identify our triggers and understand where they come from, or we will continue to create distress and chaos in our own lives and in the lives of others.','Relational Templates – Blind Spots That Become Landmines','','inherit','closed','closed','','5294-revision-v1','','','2022-09-14 11:15:32','2022-09-14 11:15:32','',5294,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5296',0,'revision','',0),(5297,3,'2022-09-14 11:19:16','2022-09-14 11:19:16','Us poor mortals! We have some major blind spots that impact our lives and relationships. I’ve totally felt the impact of these blind spots throughout life, and I can guarantee that you have too. As these blind spots are held in our unconscious mind – we simply don’t know what they are how they cause us to create distress and chaos. Put simply, we don’t know what we don’t know and we can pay a hefty price for this.\r\n\r\nThe blind spot I want to discuss today is <b>TRIGGERS</b> – this is a monster blind spot!\r\n\r\n<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.4 - 31-08-2022 */<br />\r\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style>\r\n<h2>What is a trigger?</h2>\r\nA trigger is any behaviour or stimuli that causes us to recall a traumatic or distressing emotional experience from the past.\r\n\r\nThe problem we face is that when we have been triggered, we have no awareness of this past event, and the emotional experience feels very present. Some of these past events that distressed us happened when we were  young, and often with parents or caregivers who were:\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<ul>\r\n 	<li>overbearing</li>\r\n 	<li>controlling</li>\r\n 	<li>critical</li>\r\n 	<li>disappoving</li>\r\n 	<li>blaming</li>\r\n 	<li>judgmental</li>\r\n 	<li>unsupportive</li>\r\n 	<li>unavailable</li>\r\n 	<li>frightening</li>\r\n 	<li>abusive or violent</li>\r\n</ul>\r\nParents didn’t necessarily mean to be frightening, judgmental, disapproving or overbearing. They have their blind spots too. The thing is that children are so dependent on them for absolutely everything emotionally, practically, and financially. Children are rather powerless in the scheme of things.\r\n\r\nThis means that as children we were vulnerable to the emotional state of our parents. If they were sufficiently well and present, then we were fortunate and experienced less fear in childhood. Yet if not, then home would have had moments of being frightening and even traumatizing.\r\n\r\nThese experiences leave an imprint on our mind and body, which remains with us throughout life, unless we find ways to heal. The imprint it leaves is fear, which remains encoded and causes us to have greater reactivity and insecurity throughout life and in a whole host of relationships.\r\n\r\nThis means that throughout life we will perceive our environment and relationships to be more threatening causing us to be more triggered than those raised with more stability.\r\n\r\nWhen we’re triggered, the emotions in the present feel awful, overwhelming, and even dangerous because the triggering event or behaviour has, what I call, a whiff of familiarity to the past. At that moment we can feel as small and vulnerable as we did in childhood. It doesn’t mean that we are actually in a similarly vulnerable position again – we just feel it’s the same level of vulnerability.\r\n\r\nWe feel the fear like we did when we were small, and attribute this to whoever we are with. Is it our partner’s tone of voice or their volume? Is it a look of disapproval from our boss? Is it an action or a particular phrase they use? We all have different triggers based on what is encoded in our relational template.\r\n\r\nWhether we are with friends, family, our partner, or with colleagues, we will be more prone to being triggered. We will perceive others to be a threat to us and then react to them as if the threat were similar to the threat we experienced in childhood. This causes us to go into survival mode – our fight-or-flight response.\r\n\r\nIn<strong> fight mode</strong> we may yell, complain, tantrum, use pushback, name call or belittle the person who we believe is a threat to us.\r\n\r\nIn <strong>flight mode</strong>, we may want to escape by leaving for another room or the streets or even turn to self-destructive behaviours like drinking alcohol or becoming compliant – to make the feelings go away.\r\n\r\nThe problem with triggers is that our boss, colleague, partner, children, mother-in-law, or friend, were not around when we were frightened, overwhelmed or sad as a child. They are just being themselves and are not in contact with our triggers. It’s critical we identify our triggers and understand where they come from, or we will continue to create distress and chaos in our own lives and in the lives of others.','Relational Templates – Blind Spots That Become Landmines','','inherit','closed','closed','','5294-revision-v1','','','2022-09-14 11:19:16','2022-09-14 11:19:16','',5294,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5297',0,'revision','',0),(5298,3,'2022-09-14 11:19:16','2022-09-14 11:19:16','Us poor mortals! We have some major blind spots that impact our lives and relationships. I’ve totally felt the impact of these blind spots throughout life, and I can guarantee that you have too. As these blind spots are held in our unconscious mind – we simply don’t know what they are how they cause us to create distress and chaos. Put simply, we don’t know what we don’t know and we can pay a hefty price for this.\r\n\r\nThe blind spot I want to discuss today is <b>TRIGGERS</b> – this is a monster blind spot!\r\n\r\n<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.4 - 31-08-2022 */<br />\r\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style>\r\n<h2>What is a trigger?</h2>\r\nA trigger is any behaviour or stimuli that causes us to recall a traumatic or distressing emotional experience from the past.\r\n\r\nThe problem we face is that when we have been triggered, we have no awareness of this past event, and the emotional experience feels very present. Some of these past events that distressed us happened when we were  young, and often with parents or caregivers who were:\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<ul>\r\n 	<li>overbearing</li>\r\n 	<li>controlling</li>\r\n 	<li>critical</li>\r\n 	<li>disappoving</li>\r\n 	<li>blaming</li>\r\n 	<li>judgmental</li>\r\n 	<li>unsupportive</li>\r\n 	<li>unavailable</li>\r\n 	<li>frightening</li>\r\n 	<li>abusive or violent</li>\r\n</ul>\r\nParents didn’t necessarily mean to be frightening, judgmental, disapproving or overbearing. They have their blind spots too. The thing is that children are so dependent on them for absolutely everything emotionally, practically, and financially. Children are rather powerless in the scheme of things.\r\n\r\nThis means that as children we were vulnerable to the emotional state of our parents. If they were sufficiently well and present, then we were fortunate and experienced less fear in childhood. Yet if not, then home would have had moments of being frightening and even traumatizing.\r\n\r\nThese experiences leave an imprint on our mind and body, which remains with us throughout life, unless we find ways to heal. The imprint it leaves is fear, which remains encoded and causes us to have greater reactivity and insecurity throughout life and in a whole host of relationships.\r\n\r\nThis means that throughout life we will perceive our environment and relationships to be more threatening causing us to be more triggered than those raised with more stability.\r\n\r\nWhen we’re triggered, the emotions in the present feel awful, overwhelming, and even dangerous because the triggering event or behaviour has, what I call, a whiff of familiarity to the past. At that moment we can feel as small and vulnerable as we did in childhood. It doesn’t mean that we are actually in a similarly vulnerable position again – we just feel it’s the same level of vulnerability.\r\n\r\nWe feel the fear like we did when we were small, and attribute this to whoever we are with. Is it our partner’s tone of voice or their volume? Is it a look of disapproval from our boss? Is it an action or a particular phrase they use? We all have different triggers based on what is encoded in our relational template.\r\n\r\nWhether we are with friends, family, our partner, or with colleagues, we will be more prone to being triggered. We will perceive others to be a threat to us and then react to them as if the threat were similar to the threat we experienced in childhood. This causes us to go into survival mode – our fight-or-flight response.\r\n\r\nIn<strong> fight mode</strong> we may yell, complain, tantrum, use pushback, name call or belittle the person who we believe is a threat to us.\r\n\r\nIn <strong>flight mode</strong>, we may want to escape by leaving for another room or the streets or even turn to self-destructive behaviours like drinking alcohol or becoming compliant – to make the feelings go away.\r\n\r\nThe problem with triggers is that our boss, colleague, partner, children, mother-in-law, or friend, were not around when we were frightened, overwhelmed or sad as a child. They are just being themselves and are not in contact with our triggers. It’s critical we identify our triggers and understand where they come from, or we will continue to create distress and chaos in our own lives and in the lives of others.','Relational Templates – Blind Spots That Become Landmines','','inherit','closed','closed','','5294-revision-v1','','','2022-09-14 11:19:16','2022-09-14 11:19:16','',5294,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5298',0,'revision','',0),(5299,3,'2022-09-14 11:19:17','2022-09-14 11:19:17','<p>Recently I shared with you how our triggers are a massive blind spot that can cause distress and chaos in our lives. And as they are unconscious, for most of us we have absolutely no idea what triggers us and why.</p><p>It is the why that leads me to share with you the next major blind spot that impacts our lives – this is our relational template. The way we have been consciously and unconsciously wired is held in our relational templates.</p><p>When we were young, we absorbed so much information, the happy and connected times, and the frightening or lonely times. Imagine that these experiences were encoded into our relational template – it is like a program that we run our relationships from throughout life.</p><p>It holds our expectations, beliefs, opinions, and rules for how we should or shouldn’t behave and be treated in a relationship. We all have a unique relational template – made up of thousands and thousands of interactions with parents or caregivers.</p><p>What we don’t truly understand is how we are wired for relationships inside of our own mind. We might get a glimpse of it through our behaviour or the stories we create about ourselves, others, and situations.</p><p>Our partner’s relational template will be different so there will always be a gap between theirs and ours. What’s critical is how partners navigate this gap. It’s the difference between a safe and happy enough relationship and one that struggles, has conflict, or even ends.</p><p>For many of us who can’t tolerate this gap, we will experience what’s called distress intolerance. This means we are unable to sit with the difficult feelings that come up for when faced with our partner having different relationship expectations, beliefs, opinions, or rules from us. </p><p>We can feel distressed, sad, lonely, overwhelmed if our partner doesn’t:</p>		\n			<link rel=\"stylesheet\" href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/plugins/elementor/assets/css/widget-icon-list.min.css\">		<ul>\n							<li>\n										Respect us in a way that we want to be respected \n									</li>\n								<li>\n										Protect us in a way that we want protection \n									</li>\n								<li>\n										Communicate in a way that we approve of\n									</li>\n								<li>\n										Celebrate our birthday or anniversary with significant importance\n									</li>\n								<li>\n										Offer us sufficient care, concern, or containment so we feel safe\n									</li>\n						</ul>\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.4 - 31-08-2022 */\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>		\n		<p>We can even feel betrayal at a deep level when faced with the reality of who our partner is, compared to who we want them to be, so we feel safe. We want them to operate according to our relational template. We may even try to control them and move them to be like us. This doesn’t work generally. No-one like to be changed or controlled and deep down we all want to be accepted for who we are.</p><p>If we can’t sit with and process this distress, we usually try to suppress it by stuffing it down inside of ourselves or we shove the awful feelings onto someone else. I call the latter emotional vomiting. We all know what it feels like to have someone’s emotional vomit on us. It feels brutal and icky. We will typically have something to say about it. </p><p>It’s critical for all of us to work on ourselves to stop the chaos and distress in our own lives. We also have a responsibility to not emotionally vomit on others. This means we need to understand how our own relational templates from childhood still operate in us today.</p><p>Are we still clingy? Are we still mistrusting? Are we still secretive? Are we still lonely? We don’t need to keep doing this today, but we can’t change what we don’t know. So how do we do this? Therapy, books, online courses, and podcasts are helpful for joining our past with our present. We can then increase our ability to tolerate the gap between our relational template and others, so we are less distressed and create less chaos in life.</p>','Relational Templates – Blind Spots That Become Landmines','','inherit','closed','closed','','5294-revision-v1','','','2022-09-14 11:19:17','2022-09-14 11:19:17','',5294,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5299',0,'revision','',0),(5301,3,'2022-09-13 12:26:45','2022-09-13 12:26:45','I had a quick look at the newspapers yesterday and I knew straight away I had to write a blog on ‘otherness’. We all need to know about this.\r\n\r\nOtherness reflects a particular struggle that all of us humans have, and in the newspaper, it’s just played out on a bigger stage.\r\n\r\nSo, what is this particular struggle?\r\n\r\nIt’s the difficulty we have dealing with other people’s ‘otherness’. This is the quality or fact of being different.\r\n\r\nOtherness shows itself when we feel someone is not like me in skin colour, gender, religion, opinion, clothing, sexuality, social status, financial equivalence, country of origin, family, and/or more.\r\n\r\nAnything that highlights an individual, group, even a country’s otherness can be experienced as a mild to severe threat. When they are perceived to be a threat, our defensive responses kick in. We may gossip about them, not employ them, move away from them, ostracise them, belittle them, or even stalk them. We can also treat the ‘other’ with hostility, violence, or even cause their death.\r\n\r\nIt’s important to note that this doesn’t mean the ‘other’ is actually a threat – it’s the perception of threat that otherness creates inside of us. Let’s look at how this plays out in two of the newspapers articles.\r\n\r\n<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.4 - 31-08-2022 */<br />\r\n.elementor-widget-image{text-align:center}.elementor-widget-image a{display:inline-block}.elementor-widget-image a img[src$=\".svg\"]{width:48px}.elementor-widget-image img{vertical-align:middle;display:inline-block}</style>\r\n\r\n<img src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/1.png\" sizes=\"(max-width: 59px) 100vw, 59px\" srcset=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/1.png 59w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/elementor/thumbs/1-prxajyhczkhsht03tu0623eeuw48qi08fhbu0156r8.png 50w\" alt=\"\" width=\"59\" height=\"59\" />\r\n\r\n<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.4 - 31-08-2022 */<br />\r\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style>\r\n<h2>Rising domestic violence during the pandemic</h2>\r\nDomestic violence generally increases massively after large scale disasters. Research estimates 60,000 women experienced abuse for the first time in 2020. This was the first wave of the pandemic. We don’t know the figures yet for the second year of restrictions and lockdowns. I can’t imagine they’ve improved.\r\n\r\nThis figure reveals the partners (perpetrators) escalating attempts to control and dominate an ‘other’ - their partner (their victim). Their right for safety in the home was denied, and instead, they experienced their partner’s control, abuse, and violence.\r\n\r\n<img src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/2.png\" sizes=\"(max-width: 59px) 100vw, 59px\" srcset=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/2.png 59w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/elementor/thumbs/2-prxajyhczkhsht03tu0623eeuw48qi08fhbu0156r8.png 50w\" alt=\"\" width=\"59\" height=\"59\" />\r\n<h2>I’ll stop your bloodline’: Anti-Semitism reports grow across Sydney schools</h2>\r\nThis article shows how ‘otherness’ has been determined by religion, where Jewish school children are being given the Nazi salute, told by another student that “he would like to become Hitler to “hunt down his family and stop the bloodline”. Another child was stuffed into a locker and sprayed with deodorant to simulate a Nazi gas chamber. This was laughed at by other students and filmed.\r\n\r\nThe Holocaust revealed the cruel extent that was institutionalised due to ‘otherness’. This not only saw the extermination of 6 million Jews in Europe, but also trampled millions of ‘others’. These include millions of Soviets, Poles, and Serbs. Also annihilated were Jehovah’s Witnesses, criminals, homosexuals, those with disabilities or gypsies. It was an ‘otherness’ hate fest.\r\n\r\nSadly, we haven’t been able to learn from this. Recently a study also found widespread religious attacks on Christians, Muslims, and Hindus in Australian schools. Students also experience homophobic and transphobic bullying.\r\n\r\n‘Otherness’ is innate. It is biologically wired into us to perceive those who are like us as ‘friends’ and those who are not as ‘foes’ This had massive safety implications for early man as other tribes or animals were likely deemed a threat – unless proven otherwise.\r\n\r\nGiven we are all wired this way, we need to take care to process our need to categorise and label people into groups of those like me versus those who are other and therefore, not like me.\r\n\r\nWe all need to check our own biases, racism, and forms of discrimination. We can listen to the voice of our ego and the stories it constructs. We can check our behaviour to see if we have acted with prejudice or a lack of respect. We can call out our friends and colleagues for their casual racism and discrimination.\r\n\r\nWe can all pull up our societal socks.\r\n\r\n<strong>If you or someone you know is experiencing sexual assault or family violence, call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 or visit www.1800RESPECT.org.au. In an emergency, call 000</strong>','We Need To Talk About \"Otherness\"','','publish','open','open','','we-need-to-talk-about-otherness','','','2022-09-14 12:37:52','2022-09-14 12:37:52','',0,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5301',0,'post','',0),(5302,3,'2022-09-14 12:27:40','2022-09-14 12:27:40','<p>Recently I shared with you how our triggers are a massive blind spot that can cause distress and chaos in our lives. And as they are unconscious, for most of us we have absolutely no idea what triggers us and why.</p><p>It is the why that leads me to share with you the next major blind spot that impacts our lives – this is our relational template. The way we have been consciously and unconsciously wired is held in our relational templates.</p><p>When we were young, we absorbed so much information, the happy and connected times, and the frightening or lonely times. Imagine that these experiences were encoded into our relational template – it is like a program that we run our relationships from throughout life.</p><p>It holds our expectations, beliefs, opinions, and rules for how we should or shouldn’t behave and be treated in a relationship. We all have a unique relational template – made up of thousands and thousands of interactions with parents or caregivers.</p><p>What we don’t truly understand is how we are wired for relationships inside of our own mind. We might get a glimpse of it through our behaviour or the stories we create about ourselves, others, and situations.</p><p>Our partner’s relational template will be different so there will always be a gap between theirs and ours. What’s critical is how partners navigate this gap. It’s the difference between a safe and happy enough relationship and one that struggles, has conflict, or even ends.</p><p>For many of us who can’t tolerate this gap, we will experience what’s called distress intolerance. This means we are unable to sit with the difficult feelings that come up for when faced with our partner having different relationship expectations, beliefs, opinions, or rules from us. </p><p>We can feel distressed, sad, lonely, overwhelmed if our partner doesn’t:</p>		\r\n			<link rel=\"stylesheet\" href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/plugins/elementor/assets/css/widget-icon-list.min.css\">		<ul>\r\n							<li>\r\n										Respect us in a way that we want to be respected \r\n									</li>\r\n								<li>\r\n										Protect us in a way that we want protection \r\n									</li>\r\n								<li>\r\n										Communicate in a way that we approve of\r\n									</li>\r\n								<li>\r\n										Celebrate our birthday or anniversary with significant importance\r\n									</li>\r\n								<li>\r\n										Offer us sufficient care, concern, or containment so we feel safe\r\n									</li>\r\n						</ul>\r\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.4 - 31-08-2022 */\r\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>		\r\n		<p>We can even feel betrayal at a deep level when faced with the reality of who our partner is, compared to who we want them to be, so we feel safe. We want them to operate according to our relational template. We may even try to control them and move them to be like us. This doesn’t work generally. No-one like to be changed or controlled and deep down we all want to be accepted for who we are.</p><p>If we can’t sit with and process this distress, we usually try to suppress it by stuffing it down inside of ourselves or we shove the awful feelings onto someone else. I call the latter emotional vomiting. We all know what it feels like to have someone’s emotional vomit on us. It feels brutal and icky. We will typically have something to say about it. </p><p>It’s critical for all of us to work on ourselves to stop the chaos and distress in our own lives. We also have a responsibility to not emotionally vomit on others. This means we need to understand how our own relational templates from childhood still operate in us today.</p><p>Are we still clingy? Are we still mistrusting? Are we still secretive? Are we still lonely? We don’t need to keep doing this today, but we can’t change what we don’t know. So how do we do this? Therapy, books, online courses, and podcasts are helpful for joining our past with our present. We can then increase our ability to tolerate the gap between our relational template and others, so we are less distressed and create less chaos in life.</p>','We Need To Talk About Otherness','','inherit','closed','closed','','5301-revision-v1','','','2022-09-14 12:27:40','2022-09-14 12:27:40','',5301,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5302',0,'revision','',0),(5303,3,'2022-09-14 12:28:20','2022-09-14 12:28:20','','Online conference of work team on the screen','Screensaver with a many diverse people profiles on it. Group of multiracial and multi generation people using app for video meeting online, brainstorming, a lot of employees have video call together','inherit','open','closed','','online-conference-of-work-team-on-the-screen','','','2022-09-14 12:28:20','2022-09-14 12:28:20','',5301,'http://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/09/People-Diversity.jpeg',0,'attachment','image/jpeg',0),(5304,3,'2022-09-14 12:30:54','2022-09-14 12:30:54','Recently I shared with you how our triggers are a massive blind spot that can cause distress and chaos in our lives. And as they are unconscious, for most of us we have absolutely no idea what triggers us and why.\r\n\r\nIt is the why that leads me to share with you the next major blind spot that impacts our lives – this is our relational template. The way we have been consciously and unconsciously wired is held in our relational templates.\r\n\r\nWhen we were young, we absorbed so much information, the happy and connected times, and the frightening or lonely times. Imagine that these experiences were encoded into our relational template – it is like a program that we run our relationships from throughout life.\r\n\r\nIt holds our expectations, beliefs, opinions, and rules for how we should or shouldn’t behave and be treated in a relationship. We all have a unique relational template – made up of thousands and thousands of interactions with parents or caregivers.\r\n\r\nWhat we don’t truly understand is how we are wired for relationships inside of our own mind. We might get a glimpse of it through our behaviour or the stories we create about ourselves, others, and situations.\r\n\r\nOur partner’s relational template will be different so there will always be a gap between theirs and ours. What’s critical is how partners navigate this gap. It’s the difference between a safe and happy enough relationship and one that struggles, has conflict, or even ends.\r\n\r\nFor many of us who can’t tolerate this gap, we will experience what’s called distress intolerance. This means we are unable to sit with the difficult feelings that come up for when faced with our partner having different relationship expectations, beliefs, opinions, or rules from us.\r\n\r\nWe can feel distressed, sad, lonely, overwhelmed if our partner doesn’t:\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<ul>\r\n 	<li>Respect us in a way that we want to be respected</li>\r\n 	<li>Protect us in a way that we want protection</li>\r\n 	<li>Communicate in a way that we approve of</li>\r\n 	<li>Celebrate our birthday or anniversary with significant importance</li>\r\n 	<li>Offer us sufficient care, concern, or containment so we feel safe</li>\r\n</ul>\r\n<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.4 - 31-08-2022 */<br />\r\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>\r\n\r\nWe can even feel betrayal at a deep level when faced with the reality of who our partner is, compared to who we want them to be, so we feel safe. We want them to operate according to our relational template. We may even try to control them and move them to be like us. This doesn’t work generally. No-one like to be changed or controlled and deep down we all want to be accepted for who we are.\r\n\r\nIf we can’t sit with and process this distress, we usually try to suppress it by stuffing it down inside of ourselves or we shove the awful feelings onto someone else. I call the latter emotional vomiting. We all know what it feels like to have someone’s emotional vomit on us. It feels brutal and icky. We will typically have something to say about it.\r\n\r\nIt’s critical for all of us to work on ourselves to stop the chaos and distress in our own lives. We also have a responsibility to not emotionally vomit on others. This means we need to understand how our own relational templates from childhood still operate in us today.\r\n\r\nAre we still clingy? Are we still mistrusting? Are we still secretive? Are we still lonely? We don’t need to keep doing this today, but we can’t change what we don’t know. So how do we do this? Therapy, books, online courses, and podcasts are helpful for joining our past with our present. We can then increase our ability to tolerate the gap between our relational template and others, so we are less distressed and create less chaos in life.','We Need To Talk About Otherness','','inherit','closed','closed','','5301-revision-v1','','','2022-09-14 12:30:54','2022-09-14 12:30:54','',5301,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5304',0,'revision','',0),(5305,3,'2022-09-14 12:31:15','2022-09-14 12:31:15','Recently I shared with you how our triggers are a massive blind spot that can cause distress and chaos in our lives. And as they are unconscious, for most of us we have absolutely no idea what triggers us and why.\r\n\r\nIt is the why that leads me to share with you the next major blind spot that impacts our lives – this is our relational template. The way we have been consciously and unconsciously wired is held in our relational templates.\r\n\r\nWhen we were young, we absorbed so much information, the happy and connected times, and the frightening or lonely times. Imagine that these experiences were encoded into our relational template – it is like a program that we run our relationships from throughout life.\r\n\r\nIt holds our expectations, beliefs, opinions, and rules for how we should or shouldn’t behave and be treated in a relationship. We all have a unique relational template – made up of thousands and thousands of interactions with parents or caregivers.\r\n\r\nWhat we don’t truly understand is how we are wired for relationships inside of our own mind. We might get a glimpse of it through our behaviour or the stories we create about ourselves, others, and situations.\r\n\r\nOur partner’s relational template will be different so there will always be a gap between theirs and ours. What’s critical is how partners navigate this gap. It’s the difference between a safe and happy enough relationship and one that struggles, has conflict, or even ends.\r\n\r\nFor many of us who can’t tolerate this gap, we will experience what’s called distress intolerance. This means we are unable to sit with the difficult feelings that come up for when faced with our partner having different relationship expectations, beliefs, opinions, or rules from us.\r\n\r\nWe can feel distressed, sad, lonely, overwhelmed if our partner doesn’t:\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<ul>\r\n 	<li>Respect us in a way that we want to be respected</li>\r\n 	<li>Protect us in a way that we want protection</li>\r\n 	<li>Communicate in a way that we approve of</li>\r\n 	<li>Celebrate our birthday or anniversary with significant importance</li>\r\n 	<li>Offer us sufficient care, concern, or containment so we feel safe</li>\r\n</ul>\r\n<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.4 - 31-08-2022 */<br />.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>\r\n\r\nWe can even feel betrayal at a deep level when faced with the reality of who our partner is, compared to who we want them to be, so we feel safe. We want them to operate according to our relational template. We may even try to control them and move them to be like us. This doesn’t work generally. No-one like to be changed or controlled and deep down we all want to be accepted for who we are.\r\n\r\nIf we can’t sit with and process this distress, we usually try to suppress it by stuffing it down inside of ourselves or we shove the awful feelings onto someone else. I call the latter emotional vomiting. We all know what it feels like to have someone’s emotional vomit on us. It feels brutal and icky. We will typically have something to say about it.\r\n\r\nIt’s critical for all of us to work on ourselves to stop the chaos and distress in our own lives. We also have a responsibility to not emotionally vomit on others. This means we need to understand how our own relational templates from childhood still operate in us today.\r\n\r\nAre we still clingy? Are we still mistrusting? Are we still secretive? Are we still lonely? We don’t need to keep doing this today, but we can’t change what we don’t know. So how do we do this? Therapy, books, online courses, and podcasts are helpful for joining our past with our present. We can then increase our ability to tolerate the gap between our relational template and others, so we are less distressed and create less chaos in life.','We Need To Talk About \"Otherness\"','','inherit','closed','closed','','5301-revision-v1','','','2022-09-14 12:31:15','2022-09-14 12:31:15','',5301,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5305',0,'revision','',0),(5306,3,'2022-09-14 12:36:54','2022-09-14 12:36:54','Recently I shared with you how our triggers are a massive blind spot that can cause distress and chaos in our lives. And as they are unconscious, for most of us we have absolutely no idea what triggers us and why.\r\n\r\nIt is the why that leads me to share with you the next major blind spot that impacts our lives – this is our relational template. The way we have been consciously and unconsciously wired is held in our relational templates.\r\n\r\nWhen we were young, we absorbed so much information, the happy and connected times, and the frightening or lonely times. Imagine that these experiences were encoded into our relational template – it is like a program that we run our relationships from throughout life.\r\n\r\nIt holds our expectations, beliefs, opinions, and rules for how we should or shouldn’t behave and be treated in a relationship. We all have a unique relational template – made up of thousands and thousands of interactions with parents or caregivers.\r\n\r\nWhat we don’t truly understand is how we are wired for relationships inside of our own mind. We might get a glimpse of it through our behaviour or the stories we create about ourselves, others, and situations.\r\n\r\nOur partner’s relational template will be different so there will always be a gap between theirs and ours. What’s critical is how partners navigate this gap. It’s the difference between a safe and happy enough relationship and one that struggles, has conflict, or even ends.\r\n\r\nFor many of us who can’t tolerate this gap, we will experience what’s called distress intolerance. This means we are unable to sit with the difficult feelings that come up for when faced with our partner having different relationship expectations, beliefs, opinions, or rules from us.\r\n\r\nWe can feel distressed, sad, lonely, overwhelmed if our partner doesn’t:\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<ul>\r\n 	<li>Respect us in a way that we want to be respected</li>\r\n 	<li>Protect us in a way that we want protection</li>\r\n 	<li>Communicate in a way that we approve of</li>\r\n 	<li>Celebrate our birthday or anniversary with significant importance</li>\r\n 	<li>Offer us sufficient care, concern, or containment so we feel safe</li>\r\n</ul>\r\n<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.4 - 31-08-2022 */<br />.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>\r\n\r\nWe can even feel betrayal at a deep level when faced with the reality of who our partner is, compared to who we want them to be, so we feel safe. We want them to operate according to our relational template. We may even try to control them and move them to be like us. This doesn’t work generally. No-one like to be changed or controlled and deep down we all want to be accepted for who we are.\r\n\r\nIf we can’t sit with and process this distress, we usually try to suppress it by stuffing it down inside of ourselves or we shove the awful feelings onto someone else. I call the latter emotional vomiting. We all know what it feels like to have someone’s emotional vomit on us. It feels brutal and icky. We will typically have something to say about it.\r\n\r\nIt’s critical for all of us to work on ourselves to stop the chaos and distress in our own lives. We also have a responsibility to not emotionally vomit on others. This means we need to understand how our own relational templates from childhood still operate in us today.\r\n\r\nAre we still clingy? Are we still mistrusting? Are we still secretive? Are we still lonely? We don’t need to keep doing this today, but we can’t change what we don’t know. So how do we do this? Therapy, books, online courses, and podcasts are helpful for joining our past with our present. We can then increase our ability to tolerate the gap between our relational template and others, so we are less distressed and create less chaos in life.','We Need To Talk About \"Otherness\"','','inherit','closed','closed','','5301-revision-v1','','','2022-09-14 12:36:54','2022-09-14 12:36:54','',5301,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5306',0,'revision','',0),(5307,3,'2022-09-14 12:36:54','2022-09-14 12:36:54','Recently I shared with you how our triggers are a massive blind spot that can cause distress and chaos in our lives. And as they are unconscious, for most of us we have absolutely no idea what triggers us and why.\r\n\r\nIt is the why that leads me to share with you the next major blind spot that impacts our lives – this is our relational template. The way we have been consciously and unconsciously wired is held in our relational templates.\r\n\r\nWhen we were young, we absorbed so much information, the happy and connected times, and the frightening or lonely times. Imagine that these experiences were encoded into our relational template – it is like a program that we run our relationships from throughout life.\r\n\r\nIt holds our expectations, beliefs, opinions, and rules for how we should or shouldn’t behave and be treated in a relationship. We all have a unique relational template – made up of thousands and thousands of interactions with parents or caregivers.\r\n\r\nWhat we don’t truly understand is how we are wired for relationships inside of our own mind. We might get a glimpse of it through our behaviour or the stories we create about ourselves, others, and situations.\r\n\r\nOur partner’s relational template will be different so there will always be a gap between theirs and ours. What’s critical is how partners navigate this gap. It’s the difference between a safe and happy enough relationship and one that struggles, has conflict, or even ends.\r\n\r\nFor many of us who can’t tolerate this gap, we will experience what’s called distress intolerance. This means we are unable to sit with the difficult feelings that come up for when faced with our partner having different relationship expectations, beliefs, opinions, or rules from us.\r\n\r\nWe can feel distressed, sad, lonely, overwhelmed if our partner doesn’t:\r\n\r\n&nbsp;\r\n<ul>\r\n 	<li>Respect us in a way that we want to be respected</li>\r\n 	<li>Protect us in a way that we want protection</li>\r\n 	<li>Communicate in a way that we approve of</li>\r\n 	<li>Celebrate our birthday or anniversary with significant importance</li>\r\n 	<li>Offer us sufficient care, concern, or containment so we feel safe</li>\r\n</ul>\r\n<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.4 - 31-08-2022 */<br />.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>\r\n\r\nWe can even feel betrayal at a deep level when faced with the reality of who our partner is, compared to who we want them to be, so we feel safe. We want them to operate according to our relational template. We may even try to control them and move them to be like us. This doesn’t work generally. No-one like to be changed or controlled and deep down we all want to be accepted for who we are.\r\n\r\nIf we can’t sit with and process this distress, we usually try to suppress it by stuffing it down inside of ourselves or we shove the awful feelings onto someone else. I call the latter emotional vomiting. We all know what it feels like to have someone’s emotional vomit on us. It feels brutal and icky. We will typically have something to say about it.\r\n\r\nIt’s critical for all of us to work on ourselves to stop the chaos and distress in our own lives. We also have a responsibility to not emotionally vomit on others. This means we need to understand how our own relational templates from childhood still operate in us today.\r\n\r\nAre we still clingy? Are we still mistrusting? Are we still secretive? Are we still lonely? We don’t need to keep doing this today, but we can’t change what we don’t know. So how do we do this? Therapy, books, online courses, and podcasts are helpful for joining our past with our present. We can then increase our ability to tolerate the gap between our relational template and others, so we are less distressed and create less chaos in life.','We Need To Talk About \"Otherness\"','','inherit','closed','closed','','5301-revision-v1','','','2022-09-14 12:36:54','2022-09-14 12:36:54','',5301,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5307',0,'revision','',0),(5308,3,'2022-09-14 12:36:54','2022-09-14 12:36:54','<p>I had a quick look at the newspapers yesterday and I knew straight away I had to write a blog on ‘otherness’. We all need to know about this.</p><p>Otherness reflects a particular struggle that all of us humans have, and in the newspaper, it’s just played out on a bigger stage.</p><p>So, what is this particular struggle?</p><p>It’s the difficulty we have dealing with other people’s ‘otherness’. This is the quality or fact of being different.</p><p>Otherness shows itself when we feel someone is not like me in skin colour, gender, religion, opinion, clothing, sexuality, social status, financial equivalence, country of origin, family, and/or more.</p><p>Anything that highlights an individual, group, even a country’s otherness can be experienced as a mild to severe threat. When they are perceived to be a threat, our defensive responses kick in. We may gossip about them, not employ them, move away from them, ostracise them, belittle them, or even stalk them. We can also treat the ‘other’ with hostility, violence, or even cause their death.</p><p>It’s important to note that this doesn’t mean the ‘other’ is actually a threat – it’s the perception of threat that otherness creates inside of us. Let’s look at how this plays out in two of the newspapers articles.</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.4 - 31-08-2022 */\n.elementor-widget-image{text-align:center}.elementor-widget-image a{display:inline-block}.elementor-widget-image a img[src$=\".svg\"]{width:48px}.elementor-widget-image img{vertical-align:middle;display:inline-block}</style>												<img width=\"59\" height=\"59\" src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/1.png\" alt=\"\" srcset=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/1.png 59w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/elementor/thumbs/1-prxajyhczkhsht03tu0623eeuw48qi08fhbu0156r8.png 50w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 59px) 100vw, 59px\" />															\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.4 - 31-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h2>Rising domestic violence during the pandemic</h2>		\n		<p>Domestic violence generally increases massively after large scale disasters. Research estimates 60,000 women experienced abuse for the first time in 2020. This was the first wave of the pandemic. We don’t know the figures yet for the second year of restrictions and lockdowns. I can’t imagine they’ve improved.</p><p>This figure reveals the partners (perpetrators) escalating attempts to control and dominate an ‘other’ - their partner (their victim). Their right for safety in the home was denied, and instead, they experienced their partner’s control, abuse, and violence.</p>		\n															<img width=\"59\" height=\"59\" src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/2.png\" alt=\"\" srcset=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/2.png 59w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/elementor/thumbs/2-prxajyhczkhsht03tu0623eeuw48qi08fhbu0156r8.png 50w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 59px) 100vw, 59px\" />															\n			<h2>I’ll stop your bloodline’: Anti-Semitism reports grow across Sydney schools</h2>		\n		<p>This article shows how ‘otherness’ has been determined by religion, where Jewish school children are being given the Nazi salute, told by another student that “he would like to become Hitler to “hunt down his family and stop the bloodline”. Another child was stuffed into a locker and sprayed with deodorant to simulate a Nazi gas chamber. This was laughed at by other students and filmed.</p><p>The Holocaust revealed the cruel extent that was institutionalised due to ‘otherness’. This not only saw the extermination of 6 million Jews in Europe, but also trampled millions of ‘others’. These include millions of Soviets, Poles, and Serbs. Also annihilated were Jehovah’s Witnesses, criminals, homosexuals, those with disabilities or gypsies. It was an ‘otherness’ hate fest.</p><p>Sadly, we haven’t been able to learn from this. Recently a study also found widespread religious attacks on Christians, Muslims, and Hindus in Australian schools. Students also experience homophobic and transphobic bullying.</p><p>‘Otherness’ is innate. It is biologically wired into us to perceive those who are like us as ‘friends’ and those who are not as ‘foes’ This had massive safety implications for early man as other tribes or animals were likely deemed a threat – unless proven otherwise.</p><p>Given we are all wired this way, we need to take care to process our need to categorise and label people into groups of those like me versus those who are other and therefore, not like me.</p><p>We all need to check our own biases, racism, and forms of discrimination. We can listen to the voice of our ego and the stories it constructs. We can check our behaviour to see if we have acted with prejudice or a lack of respect. We can call out our friends and colleagues for their casual racism and discrimination.</p><p>We can all pull up our societal socks.</p><p><strong>If you or someone you know is experiencing sexual assault or family violence, call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 or visit www.1800RESPECT.org.au. In an emergency, call 000</strong></p>','We Need To Talk About \"Otherness\"','','inherit','closed','closed','','5301-revision-v1','','','2022-09-14 12:36:54','2022-09-14 12:36:54','',5301,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5308',0,'revision','',0),(5309,3,'2022-09-14 12:37:52','2022-09-14 12:37:52','I had a quick look at the newspapers yesterday and I knew straight away I had to write a blog on ‘otherness’. We all need to know about this.\r\n\r\nOtherness reflects a particular struggle that all of us humans have, and in the newspaper, it’s just played out on a bigger stage.\r\n\r\nSo, what is this particular struggle?\r\n\r\nIt’s the difficulty we have dealing with other people’s ‘otherness’. This is the quality or fact of being different.\r\n\r\nOtherness shows itself when we feel someone is not like me in skin colour, gender, religion, opinion, clothing, sexuality, social status, financial equivalence, country of origin, family, and/or more.\r\n\r\nAnything that highlights an individual, group, even a country’s otherness can be experienced as a mild to severe threat. When they are perceived to be a threat, our defensive responses kick in. We may gossip about them, not employ them, move away from them, ostracise them, belittle them, or even stalk them. We can also treat the ‘other’ with hostility, violence, or even cause their death.\r\n\r\nIt’s important to note that this doesn’t mean the ‘other’ is actually a threat – it’s the perception of threat that otherness creates inside of us. Let’s look at how this plays out in two of the newspapers articles.\r\n\r\n<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.4 - 31-08-2022 */<br />\r\n.elementor-widget-image{text-align:center}.elementor-widget-image a{display:inline-block}.elementor-widget-image a img[src$=\".svg\"]{width:48px}.elementor-widget-image img{vertical-align:middle;display:inline-block}</style>\r\n\r\n<img src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/1.png\" sizes=\"(max-width: 59px) 100vw, 59px\" srcset=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/1.png 59w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/elementor/thumbs/1-prxajyhczkhsht03tu0623eeuw48qi08fhbu0156r8.png 50w\" alt=\"\" width=\"59\" height=\"59\" />\r\n\r\n<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.4 - 31-08-2022 */<br />\r\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style>\r\n<h2>Rising domestic violence during the pandemic</h2>\r\nDomestic violence generally increases massively after large scale disasters. Research estimates 60,000 women experienced abuse for the first time in 2020. This was the first wave of the pandemic. We don’t know the figures yet for the second year of restrictions and lockdowns. I can’t imagine they’ve improved.\r\n\r\nThis figure reveals the partners (perpetrators) escalating attempts to control and dominate an ‘other’ - their partner (their victim). Their right for safety in the home was denied, and instead, they experienced their partner’s control, abuse, and violence.\r\n\r\n<img src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/2.png\" sizes=\"(max-width: 59px) 100vw, 59px\" srcset=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/2.png 59w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/elementor/thumbs/2-prxajyhczkhsht03tu0623eeuw48qi08fhbu0156r8.png 50w\" alt=\"\" width=\"59\" height=\"59\" />\r\n<h2>I’ll stop your bloodline’: Anti-Semitism reports grow across Sydney schools</h2>\r\nThis article shows how ‘otherness’ has been determined by religion, where Jewish school children are being given the Nazi salute, told by another student that “he would like to become Hitler to “hunt down his family and stop the bloodline”. Another child was stuffed into a locker and sprayed with deodorant to simulate a Nazi gas chamber. This was laughed at by other students and filmed.\r\n\r\nThe Holocaust revealed the cruel extent that was institutionalised due to ‘otherness’. This not only saw the extermination of 6 million Jews in Europe, but also trampled millions of ‘others’. These include millions of Soviets, Poles, and Serbs. Also annihilated were Jehovah’s Witnesses, criminals, homosexuals, those with disabilities or gypsies. It was an ‘otherness’ hate fest.\r\n\r\nSadly, we haven’t been able to learn from this. Recently a study also found widespread religious attacks on Christians, Muslims, and Hindus in Australian schools. Students also experience homophobic and transphobic bullying.\r\n\r\n‘Otherness’ is innate. It is biologically wired into us to perceive those who are like us as ‘friends’ and those who are not as ‘foes’ This had massive safety implications for early man as other tribes or animals were likely deemed a threat – unless proven otherwise.\r\n\r\nGiven we are all wired this way, we need to take care to process our need to categorise and label people into groups of those like me versus those who are other and therefore, not like me.\r\n\r\nWe all need to check our own biases, racism, and forms of discrimination. We can listen to the voice of our ego and the stories it constructs. We can check our behaviour to see if we have acted with prejudice or a lack of respect. We can call out our friends and colleagues for their casual racism and discrimination.\r\n\r\nWe can all pull up our societal socks.\r\n\r\n<strong>If you or someone you know is experiencing sexual assault or family violence, call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 or visit www.1800RESPECT.org.au. In an emergency, call 000</strong>','We Need To Talk About \"Otherness\"','','inherit','closed','closed','','5301-revision-v1','','','2022-09-14 12:37:52','2022-09-14 12:37:52','',5301,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5309',0,'revision','',0),(5310,1,'2022-09-25 11:03:24','2022-09-25 11:03:24','','Order &ndash; September 25, 2022 @ 11:03 AM','','wc-completed','open','closed','wc_order_XkJHR6Wzpg0gV','order-sep-25-2022-1103-am','','','2022-10-31 09:28:30','2022-10-31 09:28:30','',0,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?post_type=shop_order&#038;p=5310',0,'shop_order','',5),(5311,3,'2022-09-28 08:20:29','2022-09-28 08:20:29','<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.7 - 20-09-2022 */\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>		\n            <h1>\n                Course - Fight Less, Love More            \n        </h1>\n            <h2>\n                Lissy is featured in...            \n        </h2>\n		[elementor-template id=\"4440\"][elementor-template id=\"4443\"]		\n            Learn to Skilfully Communicate with your Partner &amp; Decrease Conflict        \n		<p style=\"text-align: left;\">This course has been designed to ensure that your relationship can not only survive but thrive. It will help you gain new insights into yourself and how you relate to your partner, focusing on thoughts and behaviours which can present challenges. Learning to communicate with your partner caringly, respectfully, and skilfully is essential for a happy relationship.</p><h3><b>Would you like to…</b></h3>\n&nbsp;\n<ul>\n<li>Increase respect in your relationship&nbsp;<strong>without</strong>&nbsp;having to fight for it?</li>\n<li>Feel deeper levels of love and connectedness <strong>without</strong>&nbsp;having to be in the ‘honeymoon’ phase?</li>\n<li>Experience increased sexual connectedness&nbsp;<strong>without&nbsp;</strong>rejection?</li>\n<li>Increase happiness and have a peaceful home&nbsp;<strong>without&nbsp;</strong>being triggered by your partner?</li>\n</ul>\n<p>Committed relationships are difficult. For many of us, our communication difficulties can lead to upsetting conflict. Over time, this hurts the relationship as partners often lose trust in each other and decrease their desire for emotional closeness and sexual connection. Prolonged, unresolved conflict and repeated cycles of blame can even result in the relationship ending.</p>\n<p>This course has been created to ensure that your relationship can not only survive but thrive. It will help you to understand your own relationship and develop the skills needed to improve communication so that you and your partner become happier and more connected.</p>\n<p>You will understand why couples&nbsp;<em>really</em>&nbsp;fight by leading expert&nbsp;<em>Lissy Abrahams.&nbsp;</em>You will be guided through strategies for ending the conflict using video content alongside a comprehensive workbook.</p>\n<p>You can work through this course either individually or with your partner. When one partner alone makes positive changes, the relationship feels lighter and more connected. When partners do this course together, they go on a journey of discovery that is life-changing and increases intimacy. All you need is to print an additional workbook if doing it together!</p>		\n		<h3><strong style=\"color: inherit; letter-spacing: 0.02em;\">This is achieved by working through modules, which involve:</strong></h3> <ol><li>Exploring how our capacity to relate to others (our relational wiring) is shaped by our early childhood experiences.</li><li>Understanding our own relational wiring and why we become reactive to certain triggers with our partner.</li><li>Understanding how our relational wiring can lead to conflict and hurtful communication between partners.</li><li>Understanding how our ego impacts conflict in couple relationships, and how this is linked to feeling safe or unsafe in our relationship.</li><li>Developing the necessary skills to calm down during conflict or preventing it.</li><li>Developing Couple Mindedness, an essential component for decreasing conflict and improving communication with our partner.</li><li>Developing the skills for respectful communication and improve listening, curiosity, respect, and empathy.</li></ol>','Fight Less, Love More - The Frae Special Offer','','publish','closed','closed','','fllm-frae-special','','','2022-09-28 08:49:10','2022-09-28 08:49:10','',0,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?page_id=5311',0,'page','',0),(5312,3,'2022-09-28 08:20:29','2022-09-28 08:20:29','<style>/*! elementor - v3.6.7 - 03-07-2022 */<br />.e-container.e-container--row .elementor-spacer-inner{width:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container.e-container--column .elementor-spacer-inner,.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}</style>\r\n<h1>About Lissy</h1>\r\n<h2>As featured in...</h2>\r\n[elementor-template id=\"4440\"][elementor-template id=\"4443\"]\r\nIntroducing Lissy Abrahams\r\n<h2>Leading individual and couple psychotherapist</h2>\r\nHas dedicated her career to helping hundreds of clients navigate life\'s obstacles so they can thrive\r\n<p style=\"text-align: left;\">Lissy was initiated into the complexity and awkwardness of human minds when she was 15 years old when her Mum became a family lawyer. She was intrigued hearing about court cases, hearing about people’s strengths and vulnerabilities, and the nightmare for children caught in the parental crossfire. This paved the way for her to study psychology.</p>\r\n<p style=\"text-align: left;\">Later, Lissy headed to London and was blessed to have been selected as one of four candidates invited into the Master of psychoanalytic psychotherapy for couples at the world-renowned Tavistock Relationships. Following this 4-year training, she had the good fortune to be employed by Tavistock Relationships to work as a tutor, lecturer, and couples therapist.</p>\r\n<p style=\"text-align: left;\">Lissy returned to Sydney, and founded the Sydney-based therapy clinic, Heath Group Practice. Here she manages and works therapeutically with clients around the world. She has published academic work, was vice-president of the Couple, Child and Family Psychotherapy Association of Australasia, and held various positions on the Tavistock Relationships Association of Psychotherapists and Counsellors. Lissy is also part of Mamamia’s health expert panel.</p>\r\n<p style=\"text-align: left;\">Lissy believes we all have the capacity to improve our lives and relationships with the right knowledge and practical strategies. Yet not everyone can access Lissy one-on-one, so she ensures help is available through her interviews on podcasts, TV appearances, and via her blogs and resources. Her successful online course - ‘<a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/products/\">Fight Less, Love More</a>’ - helps partners stop fighting and communicate respectfully. And her book – <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/products/\">Relationship Reset</a> – invites everyone into the complex and awkward world of couples and how to make relationships more respectful and loving.</p>\r\n<style>/*! elementor - v3.6.7 - 03-07-2022 */<br />.elementor-widget-image{text-align:center}.elementor-widget-image a{display:inline-block}.elementor-widget-image a img[src$=\".svg\"]{width:48px}.elementor-widget-image img{vertical-align:middle;display:inline-block}</style>\r\n\r\n<img src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/JA_Lissy_Final_14-683x1024.jpg\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\" srcset=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/JA_Lissy_Final_14-683x1024.jpg 683w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/JA_Lissy_Final_14-200x300.jpg 200w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/JA_Lissy_Final_14-768x1152.jpg 768w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/JA_Lissy_Final_14-1024x1536.jpg 1024w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/JA_Lissy_Final_14-1366x2048.jpg 1366w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/JA_Lissy_Final_14-610x915.jpg 610w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/JA_Lissy_Final_14-600x900.jpg 600w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/JA_Lissy_Final_14-scaled.jpg 1707w\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"960\" />\r\n<img src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-680x1024.jpg\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\" srcset=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-680x1024.jpg 680w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-199x300.jpg 199w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-768x1157.jpg 768w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-1020x1536.jpg 1020w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-1359x2048.jpg 1359w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-610x919.jpg 610w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-600x904.jpg 600w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-scaled.jpg 1699w\" alt=\"Relationship Reset\" width=\"640\" height=\"964\" />\r\n\r\nQualifications\r\nProfessional Memberships\r\n\r\n<style>.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-dc900ee.elementor-view-stacked .elementor-icon{background-color:#D8C5A9;fill:#333333;color:#333333;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-dc900ee.elementor-view-framed .elementor-icon, .elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-dc900ee.elementor-view-default .elementor-icon{fill:#D8C5A9;color:#D8C5A9;border-color:#D8C5A9;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-dc900ee.elementor-view-framed .elementor-icon{background-color:#333333;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-dc900ee{--icon-box-icon-margin:10px;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-dc900ee .elementor-icon{font-size:6px;padding:3px;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-dc900ee .elementor-icon-box-title{color:#222222;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-dc900ee .elementor-icon-box-title, .elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-dc900ee .elementor-icon-box-title a{font-size:17px;font-weight:500;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-dc900ee > .elementor-widget-container{margin:3px 0px 0px 0px;padding:0px 0px 10px 0px;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-c7075c7.elementor-view-stacked .elementor-icon{background-color:#D8C5A9;fill:#333333;color:#333333;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-c7075c7.elementor-view-framed .elementor-icon, .elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-c7075c7.elementor-view-default .elementor-icon{fill:#D8C5A9;color:#D8C5A9;border-color:#D8C5A9;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-c7075c7.elementor-view-framed .elementor-icon{background-color:#333333;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-c7075c7{--icon-box-icon-margin:10px;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-c7075c7 .elementor-icon{font-size:6px;padding:3px;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-c7075c7 .elementor-icon-box-title{color:#222222;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-c7075c7 .elementor-icon-box-title, .elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-c7075c7 .elementor-icon-box-title a{font-size:17px;font-weight:500;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-c7075c7 > .elementor-widget-container{margin:3px 0px 0px 0px;padding:0px 0px 10px 0px;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-02b0207.elementor-view-stacked .elementor-icon{background-color:#D8C5A9;fill:#333333;color:#333333;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-02b0207.elementor-view-framed .elementor-icon, .elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-02b0207.elementor-view-default .elementor-icon{fill:#D8C5A9;color:#D8C5A9;border-color:#D8C5A9;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-02b0207.elementor-view-framed .elementor-icon{background-color:#333333;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-02b0207{--icon-box-icon-margin:10px;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-02b0207 .elementor-icon{font-size:6px;padding:3px;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-02b0207 .elementor-icon-box-title{color:#222222;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-02b0207 .elementor-icon-box-title, .elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-02b0207 .elementor-icon-box-title a{font-size:17px;font-weight:500;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-02b0207 > .elementor-widget-container{margin:3px 0px 0px 0px;padding:0px 0px 10px 0px;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-555a3c2.elementor-view-stacked .elementor-icon{background-color:#D8C5A9;fill:#333333;color:#333333;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-555a3c2.elementor-view-framed .elementor-icon, .elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-555a3c2.elementor-view-default .elementor-icon{fill:#D8C5A9;color:#D8C5A9;border-color:#D8C5A9;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-555a3c2.elementor-view-framed .elementor-icon{background-color:#333333;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-555a3c2{--icon-box-icon-margin:10px;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-555a3c2 .elementor-icon{font-size:6px;padding:3px;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-555a3c2 .elementor-icon-box-title{color:#222222;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-555a3c2 .elementor-icon-box-title, .elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-555a3c2 .elementor-icon-box-title a{font-size:17px;font-weight:500;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-555a3c2 > .elementor-widget-container{margin:3px 0px 0px 0px;padding:0px 0px 10px 0px;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-f9ee9e4.elementor-view-stacked .elementor-icon{background-color:#D8C5A9;fill:#333333;color:#333333;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-f9ee9e4.elementor-view-framed .elementor-icon, .elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-f9ee9e4.elementor-view-default .elementor-icon{fill:#D8C5A9;color:#D8C5A9;border-color:#D8C5A9;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-f9ee9e4.elementor-view-framed .elementor-icon{background-color:#333333;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-f9ee9e4{--icon-box-icon-margin:10px;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-f9ee9e4 .elementor-icon{font-size:6px;padding:3px;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-f9ee9e4 .elementor-icon-box-title{color:#222222;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-f9ee9e4 .elementor-icon-box-title, .elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-f9ee9e4 .elementor-icon-box-title a{font-size:17px;font-weight:500;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-f9ee9e4 > .elementor-widget-container{margin:3px 0px 0px 0px;padding:0px 0px 10px 0px;}</style>\r\n\r\n<section data-id=\"d2c0f2b\" data-element_type=\"section\">\r\n<h3>Vocational Graduate Diploma of Family Dispute Resolution (Australian Institute for Relationship Studies)</h3>\r\n<h3>Master in Couple Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy (Tavistock Relationships, London, UK)</h3>\r\n<h3>Post-Graduate Diploma in Attachment, Psychoanalysis and Couple Relationships (Tavistock Relationships, London, UK)</h3>\r\n<h3>Bachelor of Science (Psychology) (Hons) (University of NSW)</h3>\r\n<h3>Diploma of Teaching (University Of Technology, Sydney)</h3>\r\n</section><style>.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-2f977b37.elementor-view-stacked .elementor-icon{background-color:#D8C5A9;fill:#333333;color:#333333;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-2f977b37.elementor-view-framed .elementor-icon, .elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-2f977b37.elementor-view-default .elementor-icon{fill:#D8C5A9;color:#D8C5A9;border-color:#D8C5A9;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-2f977b37.elementor-view-framed .elementor-icon{background-color:#333333;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-2f977b37{--icon-box-icon-margin:10px;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-2f977b37 .elementor-icon{font-size:6px;padding:3px;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-2f977b37 .elementor-icon-box-title{color:#222222;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-2f977b37 .elementor-icon-box-title, .elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-2f977b37 .elementor-icon-box-title a{font-size:17px;font-weight:500;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-2f977b37 > .elementor-widget-container{margin:3px 0px 0px 0px;padding:0px 0px 10px 0px;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-469fc1c5.elementor-view-stacked .elementor-icon{background-color:#D8C5A9;fill:#333333;color:#333333;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-469fc1c5.elementor-view-framed .elementor-icon, .elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-469fc1c5.elementor-view-default .elementor-icon{fill:#D8C5A9;color:#D8C5A9;border-color:#D8C5A9;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-469fc1c5.elementor-view-framed .elementor-icon{background-color:#333333;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-469fc1c5{--icon-box-icon-margin:10px;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-469fc1c5 .elementor-icon{font-size:6px;padding:3px;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-469fc1c5 .elementor-icon-box-title{color:#222222;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-469fc1c5 .elementor-icon-box-title, .elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-469fc1c5 .elementor-icon-box-title a{font-size:17px;font-weight:500;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-469fc1c5 > .elementor-widget-container{margin:3px 0px 0px 0px;padding:0px 0px 10px 0px;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-7ea3868c.elementor-view-stacked .elementor-icon{background-color:#D8C5A9;fill:#333333;color:#333333;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-7ea3868c.elementor-view-framed .elementor-icon, .elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-7ea3868c.elementor-view-default .elementor-icon{fill:#D8C5A9;color:#D8C5A9;border-color:#D8C5A9;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-7ea3868c.elementor-view-framed .elementor-icon{background-color:#333333;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-7ea3868c{--icon-box-icon-margin:10px;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-7ea3868c .elementor-icon{font-size:6px;padding:3px;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-7ea3868c .elementor-icon-box-title{color:#222222;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-7ea3868c .elementor-icon-box-title, .elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-7ea3868c .elementor-icon-box-title a{font-size:17px;font-weight:500;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-7ea3868c > .elementor-widget-container{margin:3px 0px 0px 0px;padding:0px 0px 10px 0px;}</style>\r\n\r\n<section data-id=\"793281e6\" data-element_type=\"section\">\r\n<h3>Psychotherapy and Counselling Federation of Australia (Clinical, PACFA)</h3>\r\n<h3>Couple, Child and Family Psychotherapy Association of Australasia (CCAFPAA)</h3>\r\n<h3>Tavistock Relationships Association of Psychotherapists and Counsellors (TRAPC)</h3>\r\n</section>[elementor-template id=\"3938\"]','Fight Less, Love More - The Frae Special Offer','','inherit','closed','closed','','5311-revision-v1','','','2022-09-28 08:20:29','2022-09-28 08:20:29','',5311,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5312',0,'revision','',0),(5313,3,'2022-09-28 08:31:01','2022-09-28 08:31:01','<style>/*! elementor - v3.6.7 - 03-07-2022 */<br />.e-container.e-container--row .elementor-spacer-inner{width:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container.e-container--column .elementor-spacer-inner,.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}</style>\r\n<h1>About Lissy</h1>\r\n<h2>As featured in...</h2>\r\n[elementor-template id=\"4440\"][elementor-template id=\"4443\"]\r\nIntroducing Lissy Abrahams\r\n<h2>Leading individual and couple psychotherapist</h2>\r\nHas dedicated her career to helping hundreds of clients navigate life\'s obstacles so they can thrive\r\n<p style=\"text-align: left;\">Lissy was initiated into the complexity and awkwardness of human minds when she was 15 years old when her Mum became a family lawyer. She was intrigued hearing about court cases, hearing about people’s strengths and vulnerabilities, and the nightmare for children caught in the parental crossfire. This paved the way for her to study psychology.</p>\r\n<p style=\"text-align: left;\">Later, Lissy headed to London and was blessed to have been selected as one of four candidates invited into the Master of psychoanalytic psychotherapy for couples at the world-renowned Tavistock Relationships. Following this 4-year training, she had the good fortune to be employed by Tavistock Relationships to work as a tutor, lecturer, and couples therapist.</p>\r\n<p style=\"text-align: left;\">Lissy returned to Sydney, and founded the Sydney-based therapy clinic, Heath Group Practice. Here she manages and works therapeutically with clients around the world. She has published academic work, was vice-president of the Couple, Child and Family Psychotherapy Association of Australasia, and held various positions on the Tavistock Relationships Association of Psychotherapists and Counsellors. Lissy is also part of Mamamia’s health expert panel.</p>\r\n<p style=\"text-align: left;\">Lissy believes we all have the capacity to improve our lives and relationships with the right knowledge and practical strategies. Yet not everyone can access Lissy one-on-one, so she ensures help is available through her interviews on podcasts, TV appearances, and via her blogs and resources. Her successful online course - ‘<a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/products/\">Fight Less, Love More</a>’ - helps partners stop fighting and communicate respectfully. And her book – <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/products/\">Relationship Reset</a> – invites everyone into the complex and awkward world of couples and how to make relationships more respectful and loving.</p>\r\n<style>/*! elementor - v3.6.7 - 03-07-2022 */<br />.elementor-widget-image{text-align:center}.elementor-widget-image a{display:inline-block}.elementor-widget-image a img[src$=\".svg\"]{width:48px}.elementor-widget-image img{vertical-align:middle;display:inline-block}</style>\r\n\r\n<img src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/JA_Lissy_Final_14-683x1024.jpg\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\" srcset=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/JA_Lissy_Final_14-683x1024.jpg 683w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/JA_Lissy_Final_14-200x300.jpg 200w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/JA_Lissy_Final_14-768x1152.jpg 768w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/JA_Lissy_Final_14-1024x1536.jpg 1024w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/JA_Lissy_Final_14-1366x2048.jpg 1366w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/JA_Lissy_Final_14-610x915.jpg 610w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/JA_Lissy_Final_14-600x900.jpg 600w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/JA_Lissy_Final_14-scaled.jpg 1707w\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"960\" />\r\n<img src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-680x1024.jpg\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\" srcset=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-680x1024.jpg 680w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-199x300.jpg 199w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-768x1157.jpg 768w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-1020x1536.jpg 1020w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-1359x2048.jpg 1359w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-610x919.jpg 610w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-600x904.jpg 600w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-scaled.jpg 1699w\" alt=\"Relationship Reset\" width=\"640\" height=\"964\" />\r\n\r\nQualifications\r\nProfessional Memberships\r\n\r\n<style>.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-dc900ee.elementor-view-stacked .elementor-icon{background-color:#D8C5A9;fill:#333333;color:#333333;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-dc900ee.elementor-view-framed .elementor-icon, .elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-dc900ee.elementor-view-default .elementor-icon{fill:#D8C5A9;color:#D8C5A9;border-color:#D8C5A9;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-dc900ee.elementor-view-framed .elementor-icon{background-color:#333333;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-dc900ee{--icon-box-icon-margin:10px;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-dc900ee .elementor-icon{font-size:6px;padding:3px;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-dc900ee .elementor-icon-box-title{color:#222222;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-dc900ee .elementor-icon-box-title, .elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-dc900ee .elementor-icon-box-title a{font-size:17px;font-weight:500;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-dc900ee > .elementor-widget-container{margin:3px 0px 0px 0px;padding:0px 0px 10px 0px;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-c7075c7.elementor-view-stacked .elementor-icon{background-color:#D8C5A9;fill:#333333;color:#333333;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-c7075c7.elementor-view-framed .elementor-icon, .elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-c7075c7.elementor-view-default .elementor-icon{fill:#D8C5A9;color:#D8C5A9;border-color:#D8C5A9;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-c7075c7.elementor-view-framed .elementor-icon{background-color:#333333;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-c7075c7{--icon-box-icon-margin:10px;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-c7075c7 .elementor-icon{font-size:6px;padding:3px;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-c7075c7 .elementor-icon-box-title{color:#222222;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-c7075c7 .elementor-icon-box-title, .elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-c7075c7 .elementor-icon-box-title a{font-size:17px;font-weight:500;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-c7075c7 > .elementor-widget-container{margin:3px 0px 0px 0px;padding:0px 0px 10px 0px;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-02b0207.elementor-view-stacked .elementor-icon{background-color:#D8C5A9;fill:#333333;color:#333333;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-02b0207.elementor-view-framed .elementor-icon, .elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-02b0207.elementor-view-default .elementor-icon{fill:#D8C5A9;color:#D8C5A9;border-color:#D8C5A9;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-02b0207.elementor-view-framed .elementor-icon{background-color:#333333;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-02b0207{--icon-box-icon-margin:10px;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-02b0207 .elementor-icon{font-size:6px;padding:3px;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-02b0207 .elementor-icon-box-title{color:#222222;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-02b0207 .elementor-icon-box-title, .elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-02b0207 .elementor-icon-box-title a{font-size:17px;font-weight:500;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-02b0207 > .elementor-widget-container{margin:3px 0px 0px 0px;padding:0px 0px 10px 0px;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-555a3c2.elementor-view-stacked .elementor-icon{background-color:#D8C5A9;fill:#333333;color:#333333;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-555a3c2.elementor-view-framed .elementor-icon, .elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-555a3c2.elementor-view-default .elementor-icon{fill:#D8C5A9;color:#D8C5A9;border-color:#D8C5A9;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-555a3c2.elementor-view-framed .elementor-icon{background-color:#333333;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-555a3c2{--icon-box-icon-margin:10px;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-555a3c2 .elementor-icon{font-size:6px;padding:3px;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-555a3c2 .elementor-icon-box-title{color:#222222;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-555a3c2 .elementor-icon-box-title, .elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-555a3c2 .elementor-icon-box-title a{font-size:17px;font-weight:500;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-555a3c2 > .elementor-widget-container{margin:3px 0px 0px 0px;padding:0px 0px 10px 0px;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-f9ee9e4.elementor-view-stacked .elementor-icon{background-color:#D8C5A9;fill:#333333;color:#333333;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-f9ee9e4.elementor-view-framed .elementor-icon, .elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-f9ee9e4.elementor-view-default .elementor-icon{fill:#D8C5A9;color:#D8C5A9;border-color:#D8C5A9;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-f9ee9e4.elementor-view-framed .elementor-icon{background-color:#333333;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-f9ee9e4{--icon-box-icon-margin:10px;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-f9ee9e4 .elementor-icon{font-size:6px;padding:3px;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-f9ee9e4 .elementor-icon-box-title{color:#222222;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-f9ee9e4 .elementor-icon-box-title, .elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-f9ee9e4 .elementor-icon-box-title a{font-size:17px;font-weight:500;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-f9ee9e4 > .elementor-widget-container{margin:3px 0px 0px 0px;padding:0px 0px 10px 0px;}</style>\r\n\r\n<section data-id=\"d2c0f2b\" data-element_type=\"section\">\r\n<h3>Vocational Graduate Diploma of Family Dispute Resolution (Australian Institute for Relationship Studies)</h3>\r\n<h3>Master in Couple Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy (Tavistock Relationships, London, UK)</h3>\r\n<h3>Post-Graduate Diploma in Attachment, Psychoanalysis and Couple Relationships (Tavistock Relationships, London, UK)</h3>\r\n<h3>Bachelor of Science (Psychology) (Hons) (University of NSW)</h3>\r\n<h3>Diploma of Teaching (University Of Technology, Sydney)</h3>\r\n</section><style>.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-2f977b37.elementor-view-stacked .elementor-icon{background-color:#D8C5A9;fill:#333333;color:#333333;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-2f977b37.elementor-view-framed .elementor-icon, .elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-2f977b37.elementor-view-default .elementor-icon{fill:#D8C5A9;color:#D8C5A9;border-color:#D8C5A9;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-2f977b37.elementor-view-framed .elementor-icon{background-color:#333333;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-2f977b37{--icon-box-icon-margin:10px;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-2f977b37 .elementor-icon{font-size:6px;padding:3px;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-2f977b37 .elementor-icon-box-title{color:#222222;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-2f977b37 .elementor-icon-box-title, .elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-2f977b37 .elementor-icon-box-title a{font-size:17px;font-weight:500;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-2f977b37 > .elementor-widget-container{margin:3px 0px 0px 0px;padding:0px 0px 10px 0px;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-469fc1c5.elementor-view-stacked .elementor-icon{background-color:#D8C5A9;fill:#333333;color:#333333;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-469fc1c5.elementor-view-framed .elementor-icon, .elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-469fc1c5.elementor-view-default .elementor-icon{fill:#D8C5A9;color:#D8C5A9;border-color:#D8C5A9;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-469fc1c5.elementor-view-framed .elementor-icon{background-color:#333333;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-469fc1c5{--icon-box-icon-margin:10px;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-469fc1c5 .elementor-icon{font-size:6px;padding:3px;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-469fc1c5 .elementor-icon-box-title{color:#222222;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-469fc1c5 .elementor-icon-box-title, .elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-469fc1c5 .elementor-icon-box-title a{font-size:17px;font-weight:500;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-469fc1c5 > .elementor-widget-container{margin:3px 0px 0px 0px;padding:0px 0px 10px 0px;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-7ea3868c.elementor-view-stacked .elementor-icon{background-color:#D8C5A9;fill:#333333;color:#333333;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-7ea3868c.elementor-view-framed .elementor-icon, .elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-7ea3868c.elementor-view-default .elementor-icon{fill:#D8C5A9;color:#D8C5A9;border-color:#D8C5A9;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-7ea3868c.elementor-view-framed .elementor-icon{background-color:#333333;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-7ea3868c{--icon-box-icon-margin:10px;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-7ea3868c .elementor-icon{font-size:6px;padding:3px;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-7ea3868c .elementor-icon-box-title{color:#222222;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-7ea3868c .elementor-icon-box-title, .elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-7ea3868c .elementor-icon-box-title a{font-size:17px;font-weight:500;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-7ea3868c > .elementor-widget-container{margin:3px 0px 0px 0px;padding:0px 0px 10px 0px;}</style>\r\n\r\n<section data-id=\"793281e6\" data-element_type=\"section\">\r\n<h3>Psychotherapy and Counselling Federation of Australia (Clinical, PACFA)</h3>\r\n<h3>Couple, Child and Family Psychotherapy Association of Australasia (CCAFPAA)</h3>\r\n<h3>Tavistock Relationships Association of Psychotherapists and Counsellors (TRAPC)</h3>\r\n</section>[elementor-template id=\"3938\"]','Fight Less, Love More - The Frae Special Offer','','inherit','closed','closed','','5311-revision-v1','','','2022-09-28 08:31:01','2022-09-28 08:31:01','',5311,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5313',0,'revision','',0),(5314,3,'2022-09-28 08:31:01','2022-09-28 08:31:01','<style>/*! elementor - v3.6.7 - 03-07-2022 */<br />.e-container.e-container--row .elementor-spacer-inner{width:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container.e-container--column .elementor-spacer-inner,.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}</style>\r\n<h1>About Lissy</h1>\r\n<h2>As featured in...</h2>\r\n[elementor-template id=\"4440\"][elementor-template id=\"4443\"]\r\nIntroducing Lissy Abrahams\r\n<h2>Leading individual and couple psychotherapist</h2>\r\nHas dedicated her career to helping hundreds of clients navigate life\'s obstacles so they can thrive\r\n<p style=\"text-align: left;\">Lissy was initiated into the complexity and awkwardness of human minds when she was 15 years old when her Mum became a family lawyer. She was intrigued hearing about court cases, hearing about people’s strengths and vulnerabilities, and the nightmare for children caught in the parental crossfire. This paved the way for her to study psychology.</p>\r\n<p style=\"text-align: left;\">Later, Lissy headed to London and was blessed to have been selected as one of four candidates invited into the Master of psychoanalytic psychotherapy for couples at the world-renowned Tavistock Relationships. Following this 4-year training, she had the good fortune to be employed by Tavistock Relationships to work as a tutor, lecturer, and couples therapist.</p>\r\n<p style=\"text-align: left;\">Lissy returned to Sydney, and founded the Sydney-based therapy clinic, Heath Group Practice. Here she manages and works therapeutically with clients around the world. She has published academic work, was vice-president of the Couple, Child and Family Psychotherapy Association of Australasia, and held various positions on the Tavistock Relationships Association of Psychotherapists and Counsellors. Lissy is also part of Mamamia’s health expert panel.</p>\r\n<p style=\"text-align: left;\">Lissy believes we all have the capacity to improve our lives and relationships with the right knowledge and practical strategies. Yet not everyone can access Lissy one-on-one, so she ensures help is available through her interviews on podcasts, TV appearances, and via her blogs and resources. Her successful online course - ‘<a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/products/\">Fight Less, Love More</a>’ - helps partners stop fighting and communicate respectfully. And her book – <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/products/\">Relationship Reset</a> – invites everyone into the complex and awkward world of couples and how to make relationships more respectful and loving.</p>\r\n<style>/*! elementor - v3.6.7 - 03-07-2022 */<br />.elementor-widget-image{text-align:center}.elementor-widget-image a{display:inline-block}.elementor-widget-image a img[src$=\".svg\"]{width:48px}.elementor-widget-image img{vertical-align:middle;display:inline-block}</style>\r\n\r\n<img src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/JA_Lissy_Final_14-683x1024.jpg\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\" srcset=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/JA_Lissy_Final_14-683x1024.jpg 683w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/JA_Lissy_Final_14-200x300.jpg 200w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/JA_Lissy_Final_14-768x1152.jpg 768w, 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https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-1020x1536.jpg 1020w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-1359x2048.jpg 1359w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-610x919.jpg 610w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-600x904.jpg 600w, https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Book-cover-scaled.jpg 1699w\" alt=\"Relationship Reset\" width=\"640\" height=\"964\" />\r\n\r\nQualifications\r\nProfessional Memberships\r\n\r\n<style>.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-dc900ee.elementor-view-stacked .elementor-icon{background-color:#D8C5A9;fill:#333333;color:#333333;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-dc900ee.elementor-view-framed .elementor-icon, .elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-dc900ee.elementor-view-default .elementor-icon{fill:#D8C5A9;color:#D8C5A9;border-color:#D8C5A9;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-dc900ee.elementor-view-framed .elementor-icon{background-color:#333333;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-dc900ee{--icon-box-icon-margin:10px;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-dc900ee .elementor-icon{font-size:6px;padding:3px;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-dc900ee .elementor-icon-box-title{color:#222222;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-dc900ee .elementor-icon-box-title, .elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-dc900ee .elementor-icon-box-title a{font-size:17px;font-weight:500;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-dc900ee > .elementor-widget-container{margin:3px 0px 0px 0px;padding:0px 0px 10px 0px;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-c7075c7.elementor-view-stacked .elementor-icon{background-color:#D8C5A9;fill:#333333;color:#333333;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-c7075c7.elementor-view-framed 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.elementor-element.elementor-element-02b0207.elementor-view-stacked .elementor-icon{background-color:#D8C5A9;fill:#333333;color:#333333;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-02b0207.elementor-view-framed .elementor-icon, .elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-02b0207.elementor-view-default .elementor-icon{fill:#D8C5A9;color:#D8C5A9;border-color:#D8C5A9;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-02b0207.elementor-view-framed .elementor-icon{background-color:#333333;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-02b0207{--icon-box-icon-margin:10px;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-02b0207 .elementor-icon{font-size:6px;padding:3px;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-02b0207 .elementor-icon-box-title{color:#222222;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-02b0207 .elementor-icon-box-title, .elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-02b0207 .elementor-icon-box-title a{font-size:17px;font-weight:500;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-02b0207 > .elementor-widget-container{margin:3px 0px 0px 0px;padding:0px 0px 10px 0px;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-555a3c2.elementor-view-stacked .elementor-icon{background-color:#D8C5A9;fill:#333333;color:#333333;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-555a3c2.elementor-view-framed .elementor-icon, .elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-555a3c2.elementor-view-default .elementor-icon{fill:#D8C5A9;color:#D8C5A9;border-color:#D8C5A9;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-555a3c2.elementor-view-framed .elementor-icon{background-color:#333333;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-555a3c2{--icon-box-icon-margin:10px;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-555a3c2 .elementor-icon{font-size:6px;padding:3px;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-555a3c2 .elementor-icon-box-title{color:#222222;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-555a3c2 .elementor-icon-box-title, .elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-555a3c2 .elementor-icon-box-title a{font-size:17px;font-weight:500;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-555a3c2 > .elementor-widget-container{margin:3px 0px 0px 0px;padding:0px 0px 10px 0px;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-f9ee9e4.elementor-view-stacked .elementor-icon{background-color:#D8C5A9;fill:#333333;color:#333333;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-f9ee9e4.elementor-view-framed .elementor-icon, .elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-f9ee9e4.elementor-view-default .elementor-icon{fill:#D8C5A9;color:#D8C5A9;border-color:#D8C5A9;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-f9ee9e4.elementor-view-framed .elementor-icon{background-color:#333333;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-f9ee9e4{--icon-box-icon-margin:10px;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-f9ee9e4 .elementor-icon{font-size:6px;padding:3px;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-f9ee9e4 .elementor-icon-box-title{color:#222222;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-f9ee9e4 .elementor-icon-box-title, .elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-f9ee9e4 .elementor-icon-box-title a{font-size:17px;font-weight:500;}.elementor-1642 .elementor-element.elementor-element-f9ee9e4 > .elementor-widget-container{margin:3px 0px 0px 0px;padding:0px 0px 10px 0px;}</style>\r\n\r\n<section data-id=\"d2c0f2b\" data-element_type=\"section\">\r\n<h3>Vocational Graduate Diploma of Family Dispute Resolution (Australian Institute for Relationship Studies)</h3>\r\n<h3>Master in Couple Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy (Tavistock Relationships, London, UK)</h3>\r\n<h3>Post-Graduate Diploma in Attachment, Psychoanalysis and Couple Relationships (Tavistock Relationships, London, UK)</h3>\r\n<h3>Bachelor of Science (Psychology) (Hons) (University of NSW)</h3>\r\n<h3>Diploma of Teaching (University Of Technology, Sydney)</h3>\r\n</section><style>.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-2f977b37.elementor-view-stacked .elementor-icon{background-color:#D8C5A9;fill:#333333;color:#333333;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-2f977b37.elementor-view-framed .elementor-icon, .elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-2f977b37.elementor-view-default .elementor-icon{fill:#D8C5A9;color:#D8C5A9;border-color:#D8C5A9;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-2f977b37.elementor-view-framed .elementor-icon{background-color:#333333;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-2f977b37{--icon-box-icon-margin:10px;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-2f977b37 .elementor-icon{font-size:6px;padding:3px;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-2f977b37 .elementor-icon-box-title{color:#222222;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-2f977b37 .elementor-icon-box-title, .elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-2f977b37 .elementor-icon-box-title a{font-size:17px;font-weight:500;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-2f977b37 > .elementor-widget-container{margin:3px 0px 0px 0px;padding:0px 0px 10px 0px;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-469fc1c5.elementor-view-stacked .elementor-icon{background-color:#D8C5A9;fill:#333333;color:#333333;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-469fc1c5.elementor-view-framed .elementor-icon, .elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-469fc1c5.elementor-view-default .elementor-icon{fill:#D8C5A9;color:#D8C5A9;border-color:#D8C5A9;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-469fc1c5.elementor-view-framed .elementor-icon{background-color:#333333;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-469fc1c5{--icon-box-icon-margin:10px;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-469fc1c5 .elementor-icon{font-size:6px;padding:3px;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-469fc1c5 .elementor-icon-box-title{color:#222222;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-469fc1c5 .elementor-icon-box-title, .elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-469fc1c5 .elementor-icon-box-title a{font-size:17px;font-weight:500;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-469fc1c5 > .elementor-widget-container{margin:3px 0px 0px 0px;padding:0px 0px 10px 0px;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-7ea3868c.elementor-view-stacked .elementor-icon{background-color:#D8C5A9;fill:#333333;color:#333333;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-7ea3868c.elementor-view-framed .elementor-icon, .elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-7ea3868c.elementor-view-default .elementor-icon{fill:#D8C5A9;color:#D8C5A9;border-color:#D8C5A9;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-7ea3868c.elementor-view-framed .elementor-icon{background-color:#333333;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-7ea3868c{--icon-box-icon-margin:10px;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-7ea3868c .elementor-icon{font-size:6px;padding:3px;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-7ea3868c .elementor-icon-box-title{color:#222222;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-7ea3868c .elementor-icon-box-title, .elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-7ea3868c .elementor-icon-box-title a{font-size:17px;font-weight:500;}.elementor-3624 .elementor-element.elementor-element-7ea3868c > .elementor-widget-container{margin:3px 0px 0px 0px;padding:0px 0px 10px 0px;}</style>\r\n\r\n<section data-id=\"793281e6\" data-element_type=\"section\">\r\n<h3>Psychotherapy and Counselling Federation of Australia (Clinical, PACFA)</h3>\r\n<h3>Couple, Child and Family Psychotherapy Association of Australasia (CCAFPAA)</h3>\r\n<h3>Tavistock Relationships Association of Psychotherapists and Counsellors (TRAPC)</h3>\r\n</section>[elementor-template id=\"3938\"]','Fight Less, Love More - The Frae Special Offer','','inherit','closed','closed','','5311-revision-v1','','','2022-09-28 08:31:01','2022-09-28 08:31:01','',5311,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5314',0,'revision','',0),