[{"id":"98c2662","elType":"section","settings":[],"elements":[{"id":"9c0a391","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":100,"_inline_size":null},"elements":[{"id":"626734a","elType":"widget","settings":{"editor":"<p>Jerry found a series of sexually suggestive text messages on his wife\u2019s phone from her colleague Bruno. She\u2019d mentioned their friendship to Jerry and how they were both the most creative graphic designers in the advertising agency. They often had lunch together. Jerry was fine about their friendship. More recently, his wife had become more preoccupied with her appearance in the mornings and what she was going to wear to work.<\/p><p>Then he saw Bruno\u2019s texts to his wife, \u201cGee your husband\u2019s a lucky guy having access to your hot bod\u201d and \u201cI know how I would look after you from morning till night\u201d with winking emojis. Jerry\u2019s mind instantaneously avoided the thought of them getting close to an affair or actually having an affair. He laughed it off as \u2018office banter\u2019.<\/p><p>What was going on in Jerry\u2019s mind? He saw the evidence of a relationship that\u2019s clearly moved beyond office banter yet has failed to entertain the idea that his wife and Bruno could be more than just colleagues. This has all happened unconsciously, without his awareness, and shows the power of the\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.lissyabrahams.com\/2022\/01\/25\/regression-an-ego-defence-mechanism\/\"><strong>ego defence mechanism<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0called\u00a0<strong>denial<\/strong>.<\/p><p>Denial is an extremely common defence mechanism. Like all defence mechanisms, it\u2019s used as an avoidance strategy when we can\u2019t face the reality of the situation or information in front of us. Our unconscious mind denies reality to protect us from the emotional impact \u2013 it feels too overwhelming. In this case, Jerry could not entertain what might be going on between his wife and Bruno. This is different from consciously turning a blind eye or lying to ourselves when we know the reality.<\/p><p>Denial is helpful sometimes as it allows our mind some time to process the enormity of the information or situation until we are slightly more able to face it. We often use this defence mechanism when we are faced with shocking news. This could be the diagnosis of a terminal illness, the death of someone close to us, or that our partner wants to leave the relationship.<\/p><p>It becomes problematic when we allow denial to linger for too long. We need to face reality and the grief that will come in when we do. I\u2019ve seen this with clients who struggle to come to terms with their partner leaving them. It can be pathological when it lingers. I\u2019ve had to point to the partner\u2019s empty seat in the consulting room saying, \u201cWhere are they?\u201d or even more challenging \u201cTheir seat in the couples therapy has been empty for 6 months. They left home then and they\u2019re not giving you signs they want to work on the relationship.\u201d<\/p><p>As a therapist, I need to stand firmly in reality and keep moving my clients away from denial, even if it\u2019s hard for them to hear it. My role is to help my clients face the distressing reality that their minds want to keep at bay.<\/p><p>Relationships can be harmed by a partner\u2019s use of denial. I\u2019ve seen this many times over and denial can prevent them connecting and being intimate. They feel hurt, annoyed, or frustrated when their partner denies the concerns raised. They feel isolated and unsupported by them.<\/p><p>Rolf shared with his partner Dimitri that their decreasing intimacy was concerning him. Rolf had already had a previous relationship end when the intimacy waned. He was left devastated. Now with Dimitri, Rolf shares his thoughts and fears about how their relationship\u2019s deteriorating. Yet Dimitri replies, \u201cIt\u2019s fine as we both enjoy the sex we do have.\u201d<\/p><p>Why can\u2019t Dimitri hear Rolf\u2019s concerns and engage in a discussion with him? What can\u2019t he face about their dwindling sex life? What Dimitri doesn\u2019t understand is that he can\u2019t tolerate any expression of Rolf feeling anything other than happy. His mum left his dad when he was 4 years old as she was unhappy. This prior experience was traumatic for him and his family and causes him to deny Rolf\u2019s reality.<\/p><p>All Dimitri wants is for Rolf to return to a \u2018happy\u2019 state. But Dimitri\u2019s denial never satisfies Rolf. Over the long term, Rolf will resent Dimitri, and the more this occurs, the lonelier and more unsupported he will feel. Repeated denial has serious consequences and destabilises relationships. It will for this couple too.<\/p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (546242338)<\/em><\/p>"},"elements":[],"widgetType":"text-editor"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false}]