[{"id":"e854393","elType":"section","settings":{"stretch_section":"section-stretched","background_background":"classic","background_image":{"url":"https:\/\/www.lissyabrahams.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/shutterstock_369886034-768x512-1.jpg","id":5008,"alt":"","source":"library"},"background_position":"initial","background_repeat":"no-repeat","background_size":"cover","background_overlay_background":"classic","background_overlay_color":"#000000","background_overlay_opacity":{"unit":"px","size":0.409999999999999975575093458246556110680103302001953125,"sizes":[]},"background_ypos":{"unit":"px","size":-166,"sizes":[]},"background_xpos":{"unit":"px","size":7,"sizes":[]}},"elements":[{"id":"82bf9b1","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":100,"_inline_size":null},"elements":[{"id":"d95d219","elType":"widget","settings":{"space":{"unit":"px","size":112,"sizes":[]}},"elements":[],"widgetType":"spacer"},{"id":"ade2076","elType":"widget","settings":{"subheading_text":"","heading_text":"Mamam!a","description_text":"","heading_tag":"h1","text_align":"center","heading_color":"#FFFFFF","heading_typography_typography":"custom","heading_typography_font_size":{"unit":"px","size":60,"sizes":[]},"heading_typography_font_size_mobile":{"unit":"px","size":40,"sizes":[]},"heading_typography_letter_spacing":{"unit":"px","size":1.8000000000000000444089209850062616169452667236328125,"sizes":[]}},"elements":[],"widgetType":"cms_heading"},{"id":"a72ff32","elType":"widget","settings":{"space":{"unit":"px","size":125,"sizes":[]}},"elements":[],"widgetType":"spacer"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"22aae0e","elType":"section","settings":{"margin":{"unit":"px","top":"91","right":0,"bottom":"0","left":0,"isLinked":false}},"elements":[{"id":"b31baff","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":100,"_inline_size":null},"elements":[{"id":"f7c748c","elType":"widget","settings":{"subheading_text":"Article - source: Mamamia","heading_text":"5 Questions Everyone Should Be Able to Answer About Their Partner, According to An Expert","description_text":"30 May 2022"},"elements":[],"widgetType":"cms_heading"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"dab5d10","elType":"section","settings":[],"elements":[{"id":"1fb5858","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":100,"_inline_size":null},"elements":[{"id":"3c137ff","elType":"widget","settings":{"editor":"<p>When it comes to\u00a0relationships, what are your deal-breakers?<\/p><p>It might be feeling certain where you want to live, hobbies you want to pursue, career goals you need to support meeting, or the kind of\u00a0family you want to have.<\/p><p>Now, what about your partner? What are their non-negotiables?<\/p><p>\u00a0<\/p><p>While it\u2019s totally normal to disagree on certain things (read: sailing around the world with seven children), having an open and honest conversation with your partner about each other\u2019s needs and wants in life is crucial in order to make a relationship work.<\/p><p>And sometimes having an unconformable conversation now \u2013 everything from\u00a0what gets your partner in the mood\u00a0to\u00a0how many kids they want\u00a0\u2013 can save you\u00a0a whole lotta\u00a0heartache in the end.<\/p><p>So, we sat down with relationship therapist\u00a0Lissy Abrahams\u00a0and asked her to share some of the most important things you should know about your partner.<\/p><p>In no particular order \u2013 and the order will be determined by the age and stage of the couple \u2013 Abrahams said there are five key things you should be able to answer about your romantic partner.<\/p>"},"elements":[],"widgetType":"text-editor"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"05d67e9","elType":"section","settings":[],"elements":[{"id":"dddd653","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":100,"_inline_size":null},"elements":[{"id":"b97ba78","elType":"widget","settings":{"title":"1. How do they deal with stress, sadness, fear, or pain?","header_size":"h3","_padding":{"unit":"px","top":"8","right":"0","bottom":"0","left":"0","isLinked":false}},"elements":[],"widgetType":"heading"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"52c9ccf","elType":"section","settings":[],"elements":[{"id":"1f71192","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":100,"_inline_size":null},"elements":[{"id":"b6411ec","elType":"widget","settings":{"editor":"<p>One of the most crucial things you should know about your partner is how they deal with painful and upsetting life experiences.<\/p><p>Establishing how your partner copes with difficult emotions \u2013 because everyone is different \u2013 will help you better understand how you\u2019re able to help each other when stressful things arise.<\/p><p>\u201cWe all have differing capacities for how we tolerate upsetting experiences or physical pain. In general, our ability to tolerate these states stems from whether our parents soothed us in childhood,\u201d said Abrahams.<\/p><p>\u201cThis soothing, across many aspects in childhood, becomes internalised and forms the basis of learning to tolerate distress as adults. We take this ability to cope into\u00a0[our] relationship with our partner.\u201d<\/p><p>Abrahams goes on\u00a0to say that people who can tolerate these feelings are often able to manage unsettling experiences better and understand that difficulties come and go.<\/p><p>While they can still become upset, distressed, or feel pain, she said they tend to be able to work things out themselves, or talk to their partner, or seek wise counsel from someone in their community or a therapist.<\/p><p>\u201cThe important thing is that they are not fearful of thinking about these emotional states. They want to understand them so they can recover,\u201d she said.<\/p><p>The other side of it? Those who struggle with difficult emotions.<\/p><p>\u201cThe big difference for those who can\u2019t deal with these feelings or pain is that they need to do something in the external world to make the feelings go away.\u201d<\/p><p>\u201cThese solutions are a way of trying to cope with the pain, but they never actually resolve it. Often, they just make things worse.\u201d<\/p><p>So, you\u2019re going to want to know if your partner can sit with difficult feelings or not. If not, what do they do?<\/p><p>\u201cDo they instantly blame you? Block or push back your ideas? Do they become sulky or whiny? Do they isolate themselves from you or become punishing?,\u201d said Abrahams.<\/p><p>\u201cDo they turn to drugs or alcohol to ease emotional or physical pain? Do they use porn, gamble, or shop excessively to avoid feelings? What about emotional eating or highly rigid restrictions on food?\u201d<\/p><p>This is a really important one to be able to\u00a0answer, as it can\u00a0harm a relationship when we can\u2019t manage difficult states inside of ourselves.<\/p>"},"elements":[],"widgetType":"text-editor"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"9736d49","elType":"section","settings":[],"elements":[{"id":"722747a","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":100,"_inline_size":null},"elements":[{"id":"a008783","elType":"widget","settings":{"title":"2. How do they like and not like to be touched physically or sexually?","header_size":"h3","_padding":{"unit":"px","top":"08","right":"0","bottom":"0","left":"0","isLinked":false}},"elements":[],"widgetType":"heading"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"57ad8b5","elType":"section","settings":[],"elements":[{"id":"2ff06d0","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":100,"_inline_size":null},"elements":[{"id":"9c7f9fc","elType":"widget","settings":{"editor":"<p>Partners can have very different views on intimacy \u2013 like how often sex should happen, and their expectations and fantasies around sexual activity, including touch.<\/p><p>\u201cEach partner in a relationship likes to be touched differently. At the beginning of our relationship, we often care a great deal about whether our partner enjoys our touch,\u201d said Abrahams.<\/p><p>Think back to the beginning of your relationship when things were new and exciting. Over time, we might not care quite\u00a0as much about what our partner likes and doesn\u2019t like \u2013 which is a bit sh**ty.<\/p><p>\u201cWe need to keep caring because this journey is an ever-changing field,\u201d said Abrahams. \u201cOur partner will change across the relationship. We need to understand how they like to be touched physically and sexually at different ages and stages.\u201d<\/p>"},"elements":[],"widgetType":"text-editor"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"bdc5e28","elType":"section","settings":[],"elements":[{"id":"6b183a9","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":100,"_inline_size":null},"elements":[{"id":"574f290","elType":"widget","settings":{"title":"3. Do they want children or not?","header_size":"h3","_padding":{"unit":"px","top":"08","right":"0","bottom":"0","left":"0","isLinked":false}},"elements":[],"widgetType":"heading"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"b134af8","elType":"section","settings":{"margin":{"unit":"px","top":"0","right":0,"bottom":"0","left":0,"isLinked":false}},"elements":[{"id":"713418c","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":100,"_inline_size":null},"elements":[{"id":"240539c","elType":"widget","settings":{"editor":"<p>This one? This is important. While you might be fooled into thinking most couples will suss this out early on\u00a0in a relationship, sometimes it doesn\u2019t happen.<\/p><p>\u201cEach partner has their own thoughts about whether they want to be a parent of not. Don\u2019t make any assumptions that your partner\u2019s viewpoint. Make sure you ask the question: Do you want children? Yes\/No,\u201d said Abrahams.<\/p><p>\u201cIf they say no, don\u2019t think you will change their mind later. They might, yet more often they won\u2019t. I\u2019ve seen many relationships destroyed by this assumption.\u201d<\/p><p>\u201cIf you both want children, how many do you both want? There will be problems if your partner wants many more children than you, or vice versa.\u201d<\/p><p>Not only is it important to know whether or not you both want children, but you also should also have a broader idea of what happens if it isn\u2019t possible.<\/p><p>Struggling to have children can take its toll on any relationship, so you don\u2019t also want to realise that your partner isn\u2019t on board with other avenues you\u2019d be open to, like IVF or adoption. While opinions may change over time, it\u2019s still important to discuss it early so you know where each of you stand.<\/p><p>Both want to have children? Cool! The next thing you should know is how your partner would want to raise them \u2013 because this is just as important.<\/p><p>\u201cYou also need to see where your partner sits in their assumptions about how raising children works,\u201d said Abrahams.<\/p><p>\u201cWho will potentially pause their career to be the primary carer? You will need to see how well you can navigate these conversations together. The stakes are much higher having these conversations when the child has already entered the world.\u201d<\/p>"},"elements":[],"widgetType":"text-editor"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"0bdbffa","elType":"section","settings":[],"elements":[{"id":"899caaa","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":100,"_inline_size":null},"elements":[{"id":"1f325b3","elType":"widget","settings":{"title":"4. How does your partner relate to money?","header_size":"h3","_padding":{"unit":"px","top":"08","right":"0","bottom":"0","left":"0","isLinked":false}},"elements":[],"widgetType":"heading"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"4533b16","elType":"section","settings":{"margin":{"unit":"px","top":"0","right":0,"bottom":"0","left":0,"isLinked":false}},"elements":[{"id":"4974a32","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":100,"_inline_size":null},"elements":[{"id":"5dd624a","elType":"widget","settings":{"editor":"<p>Your partner and money. What does that look like?<\/p><p>\u201cWe all have a relationship to money,\u201d said Abrahams. \u201cThis relationship plays itself out based on the stories in our head about money. Is money the root of all evil or does it make the world go round? Our stories can be contradictory, incoherent, and both conscious and unconscious.\u201d<\/p><p>You\u2019ve heard it a million times before, but one thing most experts will agree on is that the greatest thing couples fight over is money. For this reason, Abrahams said it\u2019s really important to understand your partner so that you can protect your relationship from being spoiled by money issues.<\/p><p>And there are a lot of different questions you should ask yourself about this.<\/p><p>\u201cDoes your partner fear not having enough money? Or fear losing money? Or continue to feel shame around being a child who didn\u2019t have enough money? Do they comment on your spending too much? Do they throw money around and squander it? Or do they restrict your freedom due to a lack of money? Or do they use money to try to\u00a0control you?\u201d<\/p><p>\u201cMoney issues can be fraught in relationships. Try to understand how your partner relates to money and the stories they use to describe their relationship with it,\u201d said Abrahams.<\/p><p>Importantly, she also suggests speaking to your partner about their feelings around debt, mortgages, savings, spending, and separate or shared bank accounts.<\/p><p>\u201cEnsure you work with them to understand their relationship to money.\u201d<\/p>"},"elements":[],"widgetType":"text-editor"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"27b462b","elType":"section","settings":[],"elements":[{"id":"26a40d2","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":100,"_inline_size":null},"elements":[{"id":"508c44a","elType":"widget","settings":{"title":"5. Do they have any unfulfilled dreams that they haven\u2019t shared with you?","header_size":"h3","_padding":{"unit":"px","top":"08","right":"0","bottom":"0","left":"0","isLinked":false}},"elements":[],"widgetType":"heading"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"0dc47aa","elType":"section","settings":{"margin":{"unit":"px","top":"0","right":0,"bottom":"0","left":0,"isLinked":false}},"elements":[{"id":"1e7ea79","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":100,"_inline_size":null},"elements":[{"id":"8e3ee73","elType":"widget","settings":{"editor":"<p>Everyone has dreams and desires \u2013 and they can look totally different for each of us.<\/p><p>\u201cSome partners have a secret desire for the road they haven\u2019t taken. It\u2019s normal to some degree\u00a0as we always say no to one path when we go down another,\u201d said Abrahams.<\/p><p>\u201cFind out whether there are paths that can be made room for so your partner can have as rich and fulfilling a life as possible. For example, one partner may be desperate to have a stint living overseas.\u201d<\/p><p>\u201cIf this is possible to work into your lives, then see if it can get off the ground. Some of these may be less possible\u00a0\u2013\u00a0like one partner joining the air force\u00a0\u2013\u00a0but you can attend air force shows together or watch documentaries or movies together with such themes.\u201d<\/p><p>Knowing what these are will give you a good idea of your future together and what works for both of you.<\/p><p>\u201cIt\u2019s important to ask your partner how important these dreams are to them, and also whether you, as their partner, could help the dreams become a reality.\u201d<\/p><p>And there you have it! Some of the most important questions you should be able to answer about your partner.<\/p><p>How did you go? Did you nail it? Knew you would. You and Jaryd are great together.<\/p><p><em>For more from Lissy Abrahams, read her e-book on\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.lissyabrahams.com\/service\/what-makes-a-couple-relationship-a-happy-one\/\"><strong>what makes a couple a happy one<\/strong><\/a>.<\/em><\/p><p><em>Lissy Abrahams is a leading individual and couple psychotherapist who has dedicated her career to helping hundreds of clients navigate life\u2019s obstacles and challenges. Lissy studied psychology in Sydney and then completed her Masters at the internationally renowned Tavistock Relationships, a unit of the Tavistock Institute of Medical Psychology in London. Here, she worked therapeutically with couples, as well as lectured and tutored trainee counsellors.<\/em><\/p><p><em>Lissy\u00a0founded and manages the Sydney-based therapy clinic, Heath Group Practice, and works therapeutically with clients around the world. She has published academic work and launched a successful online course to help partners stop fighting and communicate respectfully.<\/em><\/p><p><em>Lissy believes we all have the capacity to improve our lives and relationships with the right knowledge and practical strategies. Her mission is to help as many people as possible transform their lives by creating happier and more loving relationships.<\/em><\/p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (369886034)<\/em><\/p>"},"elements":[],"widgetType":"text-editor"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false}]