[{"id":"e854393","elType":"section","settings":{"stretch_section":"section-stretched","background_background":"classic","background_image":{"url":"https:\/\/www.lissyabrahams.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/Stop-Couple-Conflict.png","id":5378,"alt":"","source":"library"},"background_position":"initial","background_repeat":"no-repeat","background_size":"cover","background_overlay_background":"classic","background_overlay_color":"#000000","background_overlay_opacity":{"unit":"px","size":0.409999999999999975575093458246556110680103302001953125,"sizes":[]},"background_ypos":{"unit":"px","size":-207,"sizes":[]},"background_xpos":{"unit":"px","size":7,"sizes":[]}},"elements":[{"id":"82bf9b1","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":100,"_inline_size":null},"elements":[{"id":"d95d219","elType":"widget","settings":{"space":{"unit":"px","size":112,"sizes":[]}},"elements":[],"widgetType":"spacer"},{"id":"ade2076","elType":"widget","settings":{"subheading_text":"","heading_text":"Mamam!a","description_text":"","heading_tag":"h1","text_align":"center","heading_color":"#FFFFFF","heading_typography_typography":"custom","heading_typography_font_size":{"unit":"px","size":60,"sizes":[]},"heading_typography_font_size_mobile":{"unit":"px","size":40,"sizes":[]},"heading_typography_letter_spacing":{"unit":"px","size":1.8000000000000000444089209850062616169452667236328125,"sizes":[]}},"elements":[],"widgetType":"cms_heading"},{"id":"a72ff32","elType":"widget","settings":{"space":{"unit":"px","size":125,"sizes":[]}},"elements":[],"widgetType":"spacer"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"22aae0e","elType":"section","settings":{"margin":{"unit":"px","top":"91","right":0,"bottom":"0","left":0,"isLinked":false}},"elements":[{"id":"b31baff","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":100,"_inline_size":null},"elements":[{"id":"f7c748c","elType":"widget","settings":{"subheading_text":"Article - source: Mamamia","heading_text":"The 4 common 'blind spots' in your relationship, and how to spot them","description_text":"15 January 2023"},"elements":[],"widgetType":"cms_heading"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"dab5d10","elType":"section","settings":[],"elements":[{"id":"1fb5858","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":100,"_inline_size":null},"elements":[{"id":"3c137ff","elType":"widget","settings":{"editor":"<p>You know those\u00a0arguments you have with your partner\u00a0that tend to go... absolutely nowhere?\u00a0<\/p><p>They don't understand your point of view; you don't understand theirs - and you go around in circles? And then you both convince yourselves that it's fixed and do it all over again a few months later??<\/p><p>Sigh.<\/p><p>That, friend, is what experts call a relationship 'blind spot'.<\/p><p>Basically, when you're both just not\u00a0*getting*\u00a0each other.<\/p><p>We can suddenly get defensive, emotional, needy or just avoid the situation completely - all coping mechanisms we use to protect ourselves.<\/p><p>According to couples counsellor\u00a0<em>Lissy Abrahams<\/em>, the causes of these blind spots and the ensuing coping mechanisms, go all the way back to your childhood.<\/p><p>\"We were all shaped by our environment growing up more than we all know,\" explains Abrahams. \"It\u2019s like there is a program from which we automatically run much of our lives and our relationships.\"\u00a0<\/p><p>\"What\u2019s critical here, is that we cannot easily access the information for what shaped us, as it\u2019s held unconsciously in our mind. For many of us, the information was encoded when young, before we even had words.\"<\/p><p>Meaning? You and your partner have been\u00a0shaped differently and basically run off different programs.\u00a0<\/p><p>Enter: Conflict.<\/p><p>\"As these are unconscious, both partners will have blind spots about how they\u2019ve individually been programmed to relate.'<\/p><p>The worst part about it? \"Partners often have no idea of the extent to which their blind spots impact their own relationship.\" \u00a0<\/p><p>The thing is, though - we all have these blind spots. Every couple. And understanding them can help improve your relationship.<\/p><p>That's why we're going to tell you exactly what to look for, along with what to do about it.<\/p><p>Got that notepad ready?<\/p>"},"elements":[],"widgetType":"text-editor"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"39e47e0","elType":"section","settings":[],"elements":[{"id":"9601371","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":100,"_inline_size":null},"elements":[{"id":"40a2ef6","elType":"widget","settings":{"title":"What are the most common blind spots?","header_size":"h3"},"elements":[],"widgetType":"heading"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"1a672aa","elType":"section","settings":[],"elements":[{"id":"1b2d83f","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":100,"_inline_size":null},"elements":[{"id":"728e302","elType":"widget","settings":{"editor":"<p>The first thing you need to do? Identify said blind spots - because they can be difficult to notice. Especially because they're so ingrained into our own personality; they're essentially part of what makes you, 'you'.<\/p><p>And while we'd all like to think our personalities and behaviour patterns are just fine, taking time to assess how certain things impact your relationship is only going to help your relationship in the long run.<\/p><p>So, what are the most common kind of blind spots?<\/p><p>According to Abrahams, there are four key ones to look out for:<\/p>"},"elements":[],"widgetType":"text-editor"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"d37ea4e","elType":"section","settings":{"structure":"20"},"elements":[{"id":"a3a8a2f","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":50,"_inline_size":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},"elements":[{"id":"c83b3e5","elType":"widget","settings":{"image":{"url":"https:\/\/www.lissyabrahams.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/1.png","id":3747,"size":"","alt":"","source":"library"}},"elements":[],"widgetType":"image"}],"isInner":false},{"id":"e809336","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":50,"_inline_size":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},"elements":[{"id":"5385820","elType":"widget","settings":{"title":"Relational templates","header_size":"h4","_padding":{"unit":"px","top":"19","right":"0","bottom":"0","left":"0","isLinked":false}},"elements":[],"widgetType":"heading"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"99472d3","elType":"section","settings":{"structure":"20"},"elements":[{"id":"1a191b1","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":50,"_inline_size":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},"elements":[],"isInner":false},{"id":"bd6049f","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":50,"_inline_size":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},"elements":[{"id":"ca46607","elType":"widget","settings":{"editor":"<p>\"One of the greatest blind spots is that we don\u2019t really understand how we have been programmed for relationships,\" said Abrahams. \u00a0<\/p><p>\"When we were children, we absorbed so much information, the happy and connected times, and the frightening or lonely times. Imagine that these experiences are encoded into a program (called a relational template)\u00a0\u2013\u00a0that we run our relationships from throughout life.\"\u00a0<\/p><p>Relational templates are the foundation that hold our \"expectations, beliefs, opinions, and rules for how we should or shouldn\u2019t behave and be treated in a relationship,\" said Abrahams.\u00a0<\/p><p>It's important to note that no two relationship templates are the same - we're all unique and \"made up of thousands and thousands of interactions with parents or caregivers.\" \u00a0<\/p><p>\"Our partner will have different templates which means there will always be a gap between theirs and ours.\"<\/p><p>\"How partners navigate this gap is the difference between a safe and happy enough relationship and one that struggles.\" \u00a0<\/p>"},"elements":[],"widgetType":"text-editor"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"e38abdf","elType":"section","settings":{"structure":"20"},"elements":[{"id":"73b475f","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":50,"_inline_size":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},"elements":[{"id":"e8bb6af","elType":"widget","settings":{"image":{"url":"https:\/\/www.lissyabrahams.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/2.png","id":3748,"size":"","alt":"","source":"library"}},"elements":[],"widgetType":"image"}],"isInner":false},{"id":"cac690a","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":50,"_inline_size":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},"elements":[{"id":"2a1ac61","elType":"widget","settings":{"title":"Our threshold for distress tolerance","header_size":"h4","_padding":{"unit":"px","top":"19","right":"0","bottom":"0","left":"0","isLinked":false}},"elements":[],"widgetType":"heading"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"ea01749","elType":"section","settings":{"structure":"20"},"elements":[{"id":"c45b950","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":50,"_inline_size":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},"elements":[],"isInner":false},{"id":"4ab64ac","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":50,"_inline_size":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},"elements":[{"id":"bb233e6","elType":"widget","settings":{"editor":"<p>How you cope with this gap is key.\u00a0<\/p><p>\"It\u2019s a massive blind spot for us if we can\u2019t cope with or tolerate our anxious, overwhelmed or upset feelings that arise when faced with the gap between our relational template and our partner\u2019s.\"\u00a0<\/p><p>\"At these times, we\u2019ve hit our threshold and have distress intolerance. If partners can\u2019t tolerate each other\u2019s different relationship expectations, beliefs, opinions, and rules then they will definitely be triggered as this will feel unsafe.\"\u00a0<\/p><p>Abrahams goes on to say that partners will feel distressed, sad, lonely and overwhelmed if they experience their partner as:\u00a0<\/p>"},"elements":[],"widgetType":"text-editor"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"4911280","elType":"section","settings":{"structure":"20"},"elements":[{"id":"b2d11af","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":50,"_inline_size":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},"elements":[],"isInner":false},{"id":"31fbb79","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":50,"_inline_size":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},"elements":[{"id":"94a84a1","elType":"widget","settings":{"icon_list":[{"text":"Speaking to them in a way they disapprove of. ","selected_icon":{"value":"fas fa-circle","library":"fa-solid"},"_id":"a79c006"},{"text":"Not celebrating their birthday with sufficient thought.  ","selected_icon":{"value":"fas fa-circle","library":"fa-solid"},"_id":"affc842"},{"text":"Not listening attentively or adequately.","selected_icon":{"value":"fas fa-circle","library":"fa-solid"},"_id":"3da8356"},{"text":"Not supporting them sufficiently.","selected_icon":{"value":"fas fa-circle","library":"fa-solid"},"_id":"446873b"}]},"elements":[],"widgetType":"icon-list"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"32b9cda","elType":"section","settings":{"structure":"20"},"elements":[{"id":"9bb49e4","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":50,"_inline_size":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},"elements":[{"id":"9ab28c6","elType":"widget","settings":{"image":{"url":"https:\/\/www.lissyabrahams.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/3.png","id":3749,"size":"","alt":"","source":"library"}},"elements":[],"widgetType":"image"}],"isInner":false},{"id":"8ad8811","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":50,"_inline_size":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},"elements":[{"id":"0623d42","elType":"widget","settings":{"title":"Our triggers","header_size":"h4","_padding":{"unit":"px","top":"19","right":"0","bottom":"0","left":"0","isLinked":false}},"elements":[],"widgetType":"heading"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"1eb7eb5","elType":"section","settings":{"structure":"20"},"elements":[{"id":"164b761","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":50,"_inline_size":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},"elements":[],"isInner":false},{"id":"ffd6fbe","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":50,"_inline_size":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},"elements":[{"id":"6f2a8f0","elType":"widget","settings":{"editor":"<p>Another blind spot? When we don\u2019t know what really triggers us and why, shares Abrahams.\u00a0<\/p><p>This constitutes any behaviour that might cause us to recall a traumatic or distressing emotional experience from the past, \"usually without any awareness of the original event\". \u00a0<\/p><p>Abrahams goes on to explain that we can be triggered by our partner\u00a0who might not be able to identify these emotions as having originated in the past. \"They feel very present,\" she adds.<\/p><p>\"When triggered by our partner\u2019s words or actions, we can suddenly feel distressed or overwhelmed just like we did when we were a vulnerable child. These past experiences are still inside us, causing the experience with our partner to feel frightening, so we react using our survival response of fight-or-flight.\"<\/p><p>Interesting,\u00a0right?<\/p><p>\"What triggers us with our partner will be linked to the information unconsciously held in our relational templates. If it wasn\u2019t encoded in the template, we wouldn\u2019t care so much.\"<\/p><p>For example, \"If we feel our partner is disapproving of us, it would feel devastating because disapproval or, even worse, rejection, is in our template. We will typically react in fight-or-flight mode to this.\"\u00a0<\/p><p>Or, \"If we experience our partner as criticising, we will likely be triggered as being criticised as a child felt terrible and now feels overwhelming with our partner.\"<\/p><p>Out of all the blind spots, this is one of the most major.\u00a0<\/p><p>Abrahams essentially explains it as time travelling - where we get confused about what constitutes as feelings of the past and what is present.\u00a0<\/p><p>\"Just because our partner\u2019s words or actions feel the same inside us as past events, doesn\u2019t mean it is the same now.\"<\/p>"},"elements":[],"widgetType":"text-editor"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"1dfa117","elType":"section","settings":{"structure":"20"},"elements":[{"id":"6c40081","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":50,"_inline_size":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},"elements":[{"id":"5acfa65","elType":"widget","settings":{"image":{"url":"https:\/\/www.lissyabrahams.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/4.png","id":3750,"size":"","alt":"","source":"library"}},"elements":[],"widgetType":"image"}],"isInner":false},{"id":"807d8b6","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":50,"_inline_size":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},"elements":[{"id":"c8a6982","elType":"widget","settings":{"title":"Our defence mechanisms","header_size":"h4","_padding":{"unit":"px","top":"19","right":"0","bottom":"0","left":"0","isLinked":false}},"elements":[],"widgetType":"heading"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"f0a376a","elType":"section","settings":{"structure":"20"},"elements":[{"id":"8d084a9","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":50,"_inline_size":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},"elements":[],"isInner":false},{"id":"5218da5","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":50,"_inline_size":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},"elements":[{"id":"66c5f77","elType":"widget","settings":{"editor":"<p>When we get into an argument with our partner, we have mechanisms to protect ourselves - it could be denial, defensiveness, or just completely shutting down.<\/p><p>\"Whenever we have gone into fight-or-flight due to our partner\u2019s words or actions, we can unconsciously use ego defence mechanisms. These are a form of fight-or-flight (avoidance) and are a major blind spot in couple relationships, especially as they too are unconscious.\"<\/p><p>Some common ego defence mechanisms are:\u00a0<\/p>"},"elements":[],"widgetType":"text-editor"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"ba2a312","elType":"section","settings":{"structure":"20"},"elements":[{"id":"36646bf","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":50,"_inline_size":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},"elements":[],"isInner":false},{"id":"7933a7e","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":50,"_inline_size":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},"elements":[{"id":"8b3aaf8","elType":"widget","settings":{"icon_list":[{"text":"Denial - \"Our mind blocks whatever we can\u2019t accept at that moment to protect us from the emotional impact. This could be from the devastating news of a death, serious illness, or of a cheating spouse.\"  ","selected_icon":{"value":"fas fa-circle","library":"fa-solid"},"_id":"a79c006"},{"text":"Projection - \"We unconsciously disown parts of ourselves that we don\u2019t like and \u2018see\u2019 them in others. For example, we may feel insecure about our career with a particular colleague. Instead of tolerating our insecurity, we look for negative qualities in them to make us feel better.\"  ","selected_icon":{"value":"fas fa-circle","library":"fa-solid"},"_id":"affc842"},{"text":"Regression - \"We revert to the behaviours or emotions of an earlier developmental age as we can\u2019t tolerate the feelings inside us. With our partner, we may scream, cry, become petulant, sulk, complain, use a baby voice, or refuse to speak.\" ","selected_icon":{"value":"fas fa-circle","library":"fa-solid"},"_id":"3da8356"},{"text":"Intellectualisation - \"Making external excuses or justifications are also ways to avoid the emotional experience that is occurring.\"  ","selected_icon":{"value":"fas fa-circle","library":"fa-solid"},"_id":"446873b"}]},"elements":[],"widgetType":"icon-list"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"d198914","elType":"section","settings":[],"elements":[{"id":"b1cdfbf","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":100,"_inline_size":null},"elements":[{"id":"db0b197","elType":"widget","settings":{"title":"How should you deal with relationship blind spots? ","header_size":"h3"},"elements":[],"widgetType":"heading"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"a583eee","elType":"section","settings":[],"elements":[{"id":"0acd529","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":100,"_inline_size":null},"elements":[{"id":"d5a13eb","elType":"widget","settings":{"editor":"<p>As we touched on before, the first and most important step is to assess your blind spots and take full responsibility for them.<\/p><p>\"It\u2019s not your partner\u2019s fault how your relational template was shaped when you were young. They were not there.\"<\/p><p>There are three ways to tackle this head-on.<\/p>"},"elements":[],"widgetType":"text-editor"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"1705d59","elType":"section","settings":{"structure":"20"},"elements":[{"id":"a2927f7","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":50,"_inline_size":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},"elements":[{"id":"ad9fdc3","elType":"widget","settings":{"image":{"url":"https:\/\/www.lissyabrahams.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/1.png","id":3747,"size":"","alt":"","source":"library"}},"elements":[],"widgetType":"image"}],"isInner":false},{"id":"081fc40","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":50,"_inline_size":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},"elements":[{"id":"73bc81a","elType":"widget","settings":{"title":"Therapy","header_size":"h4","_padding":{"unit":"px","top":"19","right":"0","bottom":"0","left":"0","isLinked":false}},"elements":[],"widgetType":"heading"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false},{"id":"a2f78a2","elType":"section","settings":{"structure":"20"},"elements":[{"id":"d90af1b","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":50,"_inline_size":10.089999999999999857891452847979962825775146484375},"elements":[],"isInner":false},{"id":"e13b164","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":50,"_inline_size":89.909999999999996589394868351519107818603515625},"elements":[{"id":"b894d1d","elType":"widget","settings":[],"elements":[],"widgetType":"text-editor"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false}]