(5099,3,'2022-08-26 09:08:01','2022-08-26 09:08:01','<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>		\n            <h1>\n                Mamam!a            \n        </h1>\n            Article - source: Mamamia        \n            <h2>\n                13 signs you’re a ‘highly sensitive person’, and what that means for your relationships            \n        </h2>\n            16 December 2021        \n		<p>Whether you’ve watched The White Lotus or not (where have you been?!), you’re probably familiar with the term ‘highly sensitive person’. Yeah? It’s the diagnosis that’s popping up everywhere right now – and it’s got tons of people suddenly identifying themselves as HSPs.</p><p>But while it might seem like a new Gen Z kinda thing, HSP is actually a very real trait that means a lot more than just being “too sensitive”.</p><p>If you’re a HSP, essentially you’ll have a heightened sensory system, meaning you’re increasingly sensitive to physical, emotional and social stimuli – everything from sights to sounds and textures.</p><p>In saying that, it’s nothing major to worry about – so don’t freak out. Being a highly sensitive person doesn’t affect your health in any way (it’s a normal trait), and is actually often seen as something that is quite beneficial.</p><p>However, there are some occasional disadvantages of feeling too much, too deep.</p><p>Here, we asked psychotherapist Lissy Abrahams everything we need to know about HSPs – and what kind of impact it might have on our relationships.</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h3>What is a ‘highly sensitive person’ diagnosis?</h3>		\n		<p>Originally coined by researcher Dr Elaine Aron in the early 90s, HSP is not really a disorder or diagnosis.</p><p>“HSP is a personality trait which has a particular pattern of thoughts, feelings and behaviours that are consistent and stable across one’s lifespan. Another example of a personality trait is introversion or extroversion,” explains Abrahams.</p><p>“It is not a disorder; it is a sensitivity, and its scientific name is Sensory-Processing Sensitivity. There is sensory processing disorder, which is a condition where the response to sensory input is impaired. For HSPs there is no impairment, however they have a stronger reaction than those without the sensitivity.”</p><p>According to research by Dr Aron, HSP is completely normal and something that is found in 15 to 20 per cent of the population. Meaning? Around one in five people will be HSPs.</p><p>So, chances are you either know one or you are one.</p><p>“HSP is innate and also evident in other species. Being HSPs may increase their chances of survival as HSPs observe and reflect on the subtleties of others before acting.”</p><p>However, while HSPs might easily notice details and patterns that others miss, the drawback is that HSPs can get easily overwhelmed.</p><p>Think of 15 people calling and texting you at the same time.</p><p>“HSPs expend their energy noticing people and environmental stimuli. Therefore, they often withdraw to replenish their energy and calm down their nervous system,” explains Abrahams.</p><p>“They are often overstimulated and easily overwhelmed. This makes them sensitive to sounds or light or crowds.”</p>		\n			<h3>What are the signs of a highly sensitive person?</h3>		\n		<p>Okay, so how do you actually ~know~ if you’re on the HSP side of things? Well, according to Abrahams, there are 13 common symptoms that are related to HSP.</p><p>However, it’s important to point out that not all of these will resonate with someone on the sensitivity spectrum, yeah?</p><p>As per Abrahams, HSPs typically experience many of the below -</p><ol><li>Easily overwhelmed by external stimuli (lights, strong smells and sounds).</li><li>Easily overwhelmed by internal stimuli (thought, emotions and realisations).</li><li>Higher empathy and awareness of other’s needs.</li><li>Aversion to large groups or crowds.</li><li>Rattled when they feel time pressured.</li><li>Avoid violent movies and TV shows.</li><li>Need alone time as can experience overwhelm, exhaustion and even burnout.</li><li>Often withdraw to get relief into a private space.</li><li>Arrange their lives to avoid situations where they will feel upset or overwhelmed.</li><li>They notice or enjoy delicate scents, tastes, sounds, or works of art.</li><li>They have a rich and complex inner life (intuition or creativity).</li><li>Difficulty with transitions and changes.</li><li>Were often sensitive or shy as a child.</li></ol>		\n			<h3>Are empaths and highly sensitive persons linked?\n</h3>		\n		<p>Well, not necessarily. While the two do share some common traits and crossovers, they also have a lot of differences, too.</p><p>“I believe Dr Judith Orloff’s notion of an empathic spectrum describes the difference between HSPs and empaths well, and it is a matter of degrees of empathy that distinguish them,” explains Abrahams.</p><p>“You can imagine a spectrum moving from no empathy on the left of the spectrum (those who are deficient in empathy such as narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths) to normal loving, empathic people as you move along the spectrum, to HSPs and at the other end of the spectrum are empaths.”</p><p>To give you an idea of what this might look like, here’s what the Empathic Spectrum looks like below - </p><p><img src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/12/Empaths-HSPs-Linked-1024x141.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"88\" /></p><p>Interesting!</p><p>While empaths share all the traits of HSPs, Abrahams said the main difference is that “empaths take the empathic experience much further and absorb even more of the emotional energy or stimuli from others and the environment.”</p><p>So, it’s kind of like an accelerated version of HSPs, where they’re wired to process other people’s feelings more intensely, effecting them in numerous ways.</p><p>“I see empaths as being more porous than HSPs, as if they have less of an internal/external boundary – where it is difficult to differentiate between what is my stuff and what is your stuff? It all becomes the empath’s stuff and they often cannot tell the difference as they internalise the feelings and pain of others.”</p><p>“Empaths differ from HSPs as many empaths feel intuitively connected within themselves, and to animals and nature. This is not part of the HSP personality trait.”</p>		\n			<h3>Why is there such a buzz around the term ‘highly sensitive person’?</h3>		\n		<p>If you’re wondering why there’s suddenly so much talk around a term that’s been around for yonks, so are we. But according to Abrahams, there are a few reasons behind it – and it’s got nothing to do with The White Lotus.</p><p>“Humans love to categorise and put people in understandable boxes. We have done this forever by declaring someone is narcissistic or borderline or bipolar if we don’t understand or appreciate their behaviour,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“I believe the unqualified diagnosis and labelling someone HSP is similar, where we have deemed their behaviour as ‘too sensitive’ and clearly a failing of some sort.”</p><p>And you know who’s sitting at the crux of it? You guessed it…</p><p>“Millennials are often the target of this unprofessional diagnosis, with the notion that they have all been wrapped in cotton wool. Calling them HSPs implies they are a ‘snowflake’ – where they lack resilience and are more prone to taking offence. This does not recognise the gifts and limitations in combination that HSPs experience.”</p><p>“I believe the term is being overused without understanding the impact the sensitivity has on the person,” adds Abrahams.</p>		\n			<h3>How being a ‘highly sensitive person’ can impact your relationships.</h3>		\n		<p>Relationships can be complicated AF – no matter your personality type. But being a HSP and having this kind of deep emotional intelligence can heighten a lot of the usual nuances – whether it’s with your friends, family or significant other.</p><p>Below are some of the native impacts being a HSP can have on your relationships...</p>		\n			<h4>Emotional self-regulation</h4>		\n		<p>“Even though HSPs may have a high awareness of themselves and others’ emotional states, it does not mean that they can necessarily handle negative emotions inside of themselves.”</p><p>What’s usually absent is the regulation of emotions, with HSPs feeling overwhelmed at higher levels than others.</p><p>“When this happens, they can feel fear, anger, shame or sadness that they express impulsively in an outburst,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“This can lead to conflict with their partner who may feel attacked, shamed or blindsided by what their HSP partner saw.”</p><p>For those who cannot self regulate this trait, it can end up being a case where you are able to be sensitive and aware of others, but unable to support your own wellbeing.</p>		\n			<h4>Emotional challenges</h4>		\n		<p>“HSPs take on the feelings of their partner and others which leaves them affected by changes of states in others. This can be difficult in a relationship; we all need to be able to have emotional variations in our day-to-day lives without something always ‘being wrong’ or needing attention brought to it,” said Abrahams.</p><p>This might mean there’s way too much focus on everyone else around you, and not enough focus on yourself.</p><p>What’s more, Abrahams said HSPs often have emotional or interpersonal challenges in that they often want others to be more like them.</p><p>“Whilst they may be aware and sensitive to others, they also feel upset when they feel others don’t meet their standards or feel sufficient reciprocation of similar care, thought about them,” she said.</p><p>“It can feel lonely and there is often a large gap between how the HSP thinks about others and their needs versus what they receive in return.</p><p>“They can feel disappointed, anxious, depressed by this gap. Some can also be highly critical of those who fall short. As said previously, emotional awareness does not necessarily mean the HSP has the ability to regulate their emotions.” </p>		\n			<h4>Restriction on one’s partner</h4>		\n		<p>According to Abrahams, HSPs often have heightened startle responses which often prevents them being able to tolerate TV shows where there is horror or for some even thrillers, or certain styles or volume of music.</p><p>Um. We feel… seen.</p><p>“This means they create rules so that they do not become overwhelmed. In a relationship, a partner or family member will be restricted by the conditions imposed on them.”</p><p>This might include restrictions on what TV shows or movies are acceptable. If you’re the kind of person who hides behind the sofa during a cringe-y movie or a thriller – you know what we’re talking about.</p><p>“The problem when viewing is that HSPs never know when the tension or suspense will increase, and all of a sudden it becomes too much to handle.”</p><p>The same goes for music, with Abrahams saying that some HSPs may be able to tolerate rock or pop music yet unable to tolerate their partner’s jazz music.</p><p>“The partner may only feel free to listen to this when they are alone as they don’t want to impose the jazz on their partner and cause them to suffer.”</p>		\n			<h4>Avoid, miss out and have FOMO</h4>		\n		<p>Because HSPs find it hard to be reactive and overstimulated by the environment, Abrahams said they will often opt out of arrangements with their partner, friends, or family when they know that they will struggle.</p><p>“This is because their discomfort is not mild, for HSPs the environment becomes unbearable, and this will alter their emotional state immediately. For many they cannot go to concerts as they are too loud, shopping centres are too crowded, and even the sun is too bright.”</p>		\n			<h4>Fatigue</h4>		\n		<p>Being an emotional sponge for everyone around you can be… exhausting.</p><p>“It is tiring to be so overstimulated by the environment and other’s emotions. HSPs often focus on their energy levels and pay a hefty price when they are exhausted. In a relationship, they can be the couple handbrake or the killjoy.”</p><p>For HSPs, sleep is a way to soothe their over-worked senses. So when they don’t get enough sleep – everything kind of goes to sh*t.</p><p>“Their partner often needs to make concessions around them, such as leaving early or going alone even though they want their partner with them. It is frustrating for both partners and life limiting.”</p>		\n			<h4>Prioritising self-care</h4>		\n		<p>Abrahams said HSPs need to take close care of their mental and physical wellbeing as they are more susceptible to burnout.</p><p>“For the HSP they need to prioritise sufficient sleep, sufficient down time following overstimulation and healthy food.”</p><p>While it might seem just like a little bit of harmless self-care, Abrahams said having a relationship with an HSP may be limiting for some partners.</p><p>“The relationship may lack spontaneity, and one’s partner may get tired of generating ideas that are rejected due to the need for self-care and the threat of overstimulation.”</p>		\n			<h3>The positives of being a highly sensitive person</h3>		\n		<p>But! It’s not all bad! Promise, you guys. On the flip side of things, there can be numerous benefits to relationships with HSPs.</p><p>Abrahams said some of the positive impacts include...</p>		\n			<h4>Kindness</h4>		\n		<p>“HSPs can be kind and caring of their partner, often focusing on their wellbeing. They have a lot to give. The health of the relationship matters a lot to them.”</p>		\n			<h4>Creative, appreciating and sharing with one’s partner and others</h4>		\n		<p>If a HSP has an interest in arts and music, Abrahams said they will usually possess the ability to be able to tap into more of the emotional experience created by the artist.</p><p>“It is likely that their emotional awareness to others, art, music and the environment hooks into their being and allows them a deeper connection with their visual, auditory, and emotional world,” she adds.</p><p>“This can be shared with one’s partner and they develop a deeper understanding of these landscapes too. The partner of an HSP can overtime develop a deeper understanding of people’s minds, intentions and motivation.”</p><p>How cool is that!</p><p>“It is a rich and fascinating world that the HSPs can bring to others and offer different perspectives, show curiosity for others, and be generous of themselves. Others may benefit greatly from their emotional wisdom.”</p><p>While the idea of having superhuman emotional intelligence might sound like fun, Abrahams said it’s important to acknowledge both the ‘good’ and ‘bad’ aspects of the trait.</p><p>“Whilst it can be an asset to have emotional intelligence, it is not given without a price being paid. It’s like superman having incredible powers to fly, change time and save people, until he encounters a blob of kryptonite that weakens him completely, taking him out.</p><p>“We should not overvalue the benefits and gifts HSPs have and ignore the price paid for the gift. It’s a package deal.”</p><p>If you’re a HSP and you’re looking for some help in improving your communication with your partner, Abrahams has a free e-book available <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/service/top-tips-for-improving-couple-communication/\"><strong>here</strong></a>.</p>','13 signs you’re a ‘highly sensitive person’, and what that means for your relationships',' Relationships can be TOUGH. And while things like cheating and trust issues are some very obvious red...','inherit','closed','closed','','5094-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 09:08:01','2022-08-26 09:08:01','',5094,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5099',0,'revision','',0),(5100,3,'2021-12-15 09:08:38','2021-12-15 09:08:38','<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>		\n            <h1>\n                MamaM!a            \n        </h1>\n            Article - source: Mamamia        \n            <h2>\n                Why Your Relationship Feels Like A Struggle Right Now            \n        </h2>\n            15 December 2021        \n		<p>If you’re in lockdown and you’re a pinkie nail away from absolutely LOSING YOUR S**T if your partner so much as BREATHES near you (ʘ‿ʘ) – you’re not alone, friend.</p><p>This is a safe space.</p><p>The last year or so has pulled a LEVEL TEN on relationships – and we’re not just talking about intimate partners. We’re talking about housemates, family members – the whole shebang.</p><p>“Lockdowns have been brutal on relationships. Small issues can become big ones when you’re in close confines for months. It’s like being in a pressure cooker,” said psychotherapist and couples counsellor Lissy Abrahams.</p><p>“It’s been very difficult, especially for those who have experienced financial difficulties and job insecurity. The daily grind has worn down many parents who have been juggling homeschooling young children with their work responsibilities.”</p><p>“They might also have a child with special needs and a lot less access to support. Throw in the challenge of border restrictions, many struggle with being separated from family.”</p><p>There’s no denying that the added stress, enforced quality time and changes in our current day-to-day routines has had a massive impact on our relationships and how we communicate with each other. And it’s been a make-or-break situation for many couples.</p><p>“All of these factors contribute to many of us struggling with anxiety, overwhelm, sadness, and even despair. Any of these can tip one or both partners over the edge. If there were any cracks in the relationship before Covid, the pressure from lockdown rips these cracks wide open.”</p><p>However, it’s important to note that it’s not the same for everyone – some couples are  thriving .</p><p>“On the flip side, lockdown has also had its benefits for some couples who say they have much more time together and enjoy working from home without being under the pump all the time.”</p><p>“They may enjoy not continuously travelling overseas or interstate. They may enjoy the simplicity of being home and with their children and may have always sensed that the busy life that they have been living meant that they were missing greater connection with those under their roof.”</p><p>Abrahams said that typically these kinds of couples are in a good position.</p><p>“They have work security, can pay their rent, mortgages and household expenses without worry, their children may be older and mostly self-sufficient.”</p><p>So, with a large proportion of us still in some form of lockdown, we’ve asked Abrahams to share some of her pearls of wisdom when it comes to improving our relationships.</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h3>Why your relationship is suffering right now</h3>		\n		<p>According to Abrahams, there’s two common reasons why your relationship might be going a bit s**t lately: Poor communication and a lack of intimacy.</p><p>Look, we’re not experts – but we’re fairly certain these things are pretty darn important. Right?</p><p>“Many couples are fighting more frequently, being resentful about an uneven take up of household chores, and not feeling heard and understood,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“This is hard work for couples under normal circumstances and can often lead to conflict. Lockdown adds more pressure on these relationships, making life exhausting and lonely. There is less resilience now than at the beginning of lockdowns.”</p><p>When it comes to the intimacy side of things, don’t panic, though – it’s not just you. Abrahams said losing interest in being intimate with each other is another super common issue.</p><p>“Many partners say they “can’t be bothered”, “don’t feel attractive”, or “can’t get in the mood”. Intimacy is a special glue in a relationship. Without it, partners experience loneliness and unhappiness, which can be a slippery slope towards separation and divorce,” she said.</p><p>What’s more, a stale sex life can sometimes feel awkward AF to address – and a lot of people will tend to just push ahead because they feel like it’s too uncomfortable to discuss. Which is never a good thing, really.</p><p>“Feeling emotionally and physically disconnected can lead to partners feeling fearful about their partner’s interest in them, irritation or frustration, and even anger. We don’t like feeling we are moving away from our partner or that they are moving away from us emotionally.”</p><p>So, just how common are we talking?</p><p>According to Abrahams, current research on the pandemic and relationships is backing up what she’s seeing in her consulting room.</p><p>“A recent study from Indiana University revealed that 34 per cent of participants have experienced increased conflict in their relationship and decreased intimacy since the start of the COVID-19 pandemic.”</p><p>No good.</p><p>“This is a worrying figure, and they are linked. The more we fight, the less we want to be close to our partner. The less intimacy we share, the more damage to the relationship.”</p><p>Just to be clear, this increased conflict can happen for a whole load of different reasons – it’s complex as heck.</p><p>“Add partners who are not doing well and rely on alcohol or substances to “just get through the day”. Add to this the fears of business owners about the survival of their business or employees who worry how long their employer will keep them on.”</p><p>Whatever affects one partner emotionally or financially, essentially impacts the other partner and their entire relationship, said Abrahams.</p><p>The good news is that there are some things you can do to fix it.</p>		\n			<h3>How to stop fighting with your partner</h3>		\n		<p>The first and most important thing to do is to take time out. Abrahams said you both need to stop interacting for about 15 minutes and wait for your nervous system to calm down.</p><p>Essentially, chill the f**k out for a couple of minutes.</p><p>“No fight will ever be resolved unless we do this, as the part of the brain and body that is active during the fight-or-flight response is a different part of the brain used for working to solve the problem,” she explains.</p><p>“That’s why it is critical to take time out. It will also help you to reconnect with a clearer mind so you can both try again with a more respectful approach.”</p><p>Another important thing to do is to try to understand the real reason why you’re fighting. Like, for real.</p><p>Abrahams said many of us will get worked up about a topic, but that’s not the real reason we fight – there’s usually underlying, unresolved issues at the core of it.</p><p>“For example, many couples fight about money, but behind this is always one partner who is feeling fear, pain or shame with their partner.”</p><p>Another example would be if our partner spends much more money than us – we can feel fearful of not having enough in the future, said Abrahams.</p><p>“Our partner may experience us as shaming them or trying to control them. It is easy to fight with these emotions going on inside us.”</p>		\n			<h3>Why understanding your ego is important</h3>		\n		<p>We’re not talking about the ego in terms of the whole ‘self-importance’ thing. Nah. We’re talking about the ego as part of your personality. Everyone has it. And it’s an integral trigger when it comes to responding to a threat or situation.</p><p>“There are different definitions of what the ego is, however, essentially it is a part of our mind that is concerned with me, my experiences, my reflections and anything that’s mine. It is my personal framework or lens that I view the world through.”</p><p>“We need our ego to get us out of bed and get dressed for work or to complete tasks or study. We are concerned with our image and identity, and success. We all need a certain amount of healthy ego strength to get on and put ourselves forward for new opportunities. This doesn’t mean the ego is bad. It’s normal.”</p><p>According to Abrahams, nothing can kill a relationship quite like an ego – so it’s important to understand what it is and how it operates, and the feelings of fear and shame that it can produce. Because this alone can help prevent a helluva lot of damage.</p><p>“The ego is the voice in our head that sounds like us. There is no physical structure called the ego, but it is linked to a part of the brain that tells stories about ourselves, others and situations. It likes to feel secure and safe, however it has no idea how to achieve this, and it can make us pretty miserable at times.”</p><p>“It creates stories about ourselves and others and judges, blames, feels inferior or superior. It likes to bolster us when we feel low or shoot us down to feel even lower. Or it does all of this to our partner. It is always involved in couple conflict and sends us into fight-or-flight mode when we feel threatened.</p><p>Just us, or does the ego kinda sounds like a… d**k?</p><p>“Our ego likes to blame our partner when we believe they “made us feel” fearful, distressed or ashamed. We cannot imagine it came from anywhere else. We fight with them and let them know why they are inadequate as a partner, why they let us down and sometimes we shout this at them.”</p><p>As we mentioned before, if you know what your ego looks like when it’s being triggered, you can better recognise what’s going on and when it might be time to take a step back and cool down.</p><p>If you’re struggling to keep your ego in check, Abrahams recommends:</p><p><strong>1. Seeking therapy. </strong></p><p>“It is important we understand some of the experiences that caused us fear, pain or shame in childhood with our parents or caregivers. For many of us, these experiences were traumatic. Therapy will help us identify the triggers so they don’t ruin our lives, our relationships and family.”</p><p><strong>2. Taking an online course.</strong></p><p>“Online courses, like the one I have created, specifically help partners understand how their ego formed from their own experiences and how it impacts their life and relationship,” she said.</p><p><strong>3. Learning mindfulness and breathing techniques.</strong></p><p>According to Abrahams, practices like mindfulness or breathing techniques can help identify ego-based stories and help us calm down when triggered.</p>		\n			<h3>How to improve communication</h3>		\n		<p>Upping your communication is crucial. “Without respectful and skilful communication, we will have difficulty connecting with our partner. If this is prolonged, we may even damage our relationship,” said Abrahams.</p><p>Just take a minute to think back to when you first met your partner and how… different things were when it came to being open and tolerating each other’s differences.</p><p>“When we first met our partner, we listened and shared experiences both past and present, for hours on end. Over time and with increasing life demands and some complacency, we no longer offer them the same respect and generosity of spirit.”</p><p>“We now struggle to really listen to them and them to us, we are not as curious about them anymore, and we don’t always like how they view the world. We can even shoot their opinions down as they feel too threatening to where we want to be in life.”</p><p>“Communication is essential to have a healthy and connected relationship. I have seen many couples struggle with communication, and their intimacy has suffered. Communication does not improve by itself, and couples need to work together to make it better. If couples don’t attend to it, I believe the decay settles in.”</p><p>If you and your partner are having difficulties improving your communication, Abraham recommends seeing an experienced therapist for advice.</p><p>“It is truly transformative and we can learn so much about ourselves and how we operate in our relationship. The benefits extend and often improve relationships with children, extended family, friends, and co-workers.</p><p>“You can also access online courses to work through conflict and communication problems. Seek out resources from credible experts.”</p><p>Above all, Abrahams reminds us to be mindful that, even though they are “our partner”, that does not mean that we own them. Don’t get the two confused.</p><p>“They are not an object, and we need to keep respect and care on the agenda. We need to stop trying to control our partner. We need to stop belittling or judging them or being angry or sulky with them.”</p><p>“Relationships are conditional and if we destroy too many of the conditions holding us together, they can end. We never know if we are going to be part of the 33 percent of couples who divorce each year. No couple sets out to be.”</p><p>“If we want a thriving and connected relationship, we need to do the work to understand our triggers and our conflict to bring health and joy back into our relationship.”</p><p>If you’re looking for help in improving your communication with your partner, Abrahams has a free e-book available <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/service/top-tips-for-improving-couple-communication/\"><strong>here</strong></a>.</p>','Why Your Relationship Feels Like A Struggle Right Now',' Relationships can be TOUGH. And while things like cheating and trust issues are some very obvious red...','publish','closed','closed','','why-your-relationship-is-struggling-right-now','','','2022-10-17 02:17:43','2022-10-17 02:17:43','',0,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?post_type=case-study&#038;p=5100',0,'case-study','',0),(5101,3,'2022-08-26 09:09:27','2022-08-26 09:09:27','<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */<br />\r\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>\r\n<h1>Mamam!a</h1>\r\nArticle - source: Mamamia\r\n<h2>13 signs you’re a ‘highly sensitive person’, and what that means for your relationships</h2>\r\n16 December 2021\r\n\r\nWhether you’ve watched The White Lotus or not (where have you been?!), you’re probably familiar with the term ‘highly sensitive person’. Yeah? It’s the diagnosis that’s popping up everywhere right now – and it’s got tons of people suddenly identifying themselves as HSPs.\r\n\r\nBut while it might seem like a new Gen Z kinda thing, HSP is actually a very real trait that means a lot more than just being “too sensitive”.\r\n\r\nIf you’re a HSP, essentially you’ll have a heightened sensory system, meaning you’re increasingly sensitive to physical, emotional and social stimuli – everything from sights to sounds and textures.\r\n\r\nIn saying that, it’s nothing major to worry about – so don’t freak out. Being a highly sensitive person doesn’t affect your health in any way (it’s a normal trait), and is actually often seen as something that is quite beneficial.\r\n\r\nHowever, there are some occasional disadvantages of feeling too much, too deep.\r\n\r\nHere, we asked psychotherapist Lissy Abrahams everything we need to know about HSPs – and what kind of impact it might have on our relationships.\r\n\r\n<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */<br />\r\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style>\r\n<h3>What is a ‘highly sensitive person’ diagnosis?</h3>\r\nOriginally coined by researcher Dr Elaine Aron in the early 90s, HSP is not really a disorder or diagnosis.\r\n\r\n“HSP is a personality trait which has a particular pattern of thoughts, feelings and behaviours that are consistent and stable across one’s lifespan. Another example of a personality trait is introversion or extroversion,” explains Abrahams.\r\n\r\n“It is not a disorder; it is a sensitivity, and its scientific name is Sensory-Processing Sensitivity. There is sensory processing disorder, which is a condition where the response to sensory input is impaired. For HSPs there is no impairment, however they have a stronger reaction than those without the sensitivity.”\r\n\r\nAccording to research by Dr Aron, HSP is completely normal and something that is found in 15 to 20 per cent of the population. Meaning? Around one in five people will be HSPs.\r\n\r\nSo, chances are you either know one or you are one.\r\n\r\n“HSP is innate and also evident in other species. Being HSPs may increase their chances of survival as HSPs observe and reflect on the subtleties of others before acting.”\r\n\r\nHowever, while HSPs might easily notice details and patterns that others miss, the drawback is that HSPs can get easily overwhelmed.\r\n\r\nThink of 15 people calling and texting you at the same time.\r\n\r\n“HSPs expend their energy noticing people and environmental stimuli. Therefore, they often withdraw to replenish their energy and calm down their nervous system,” explains Abrahams.\r\n\r\n“They are often overstimulated and easily overwhelmed. This makes them sensitive to sounds or light or crowds.”\r\n<h3>What are the signs of a highly sensitive person?</h3>\r\nOkay, so how do you actually ~know~ if you’re on the HSP side of things? Well, according to Abrahams, there are 13 common symptoms that are related to HSP.\r\n\r\nHowever, it’s important to point out that not all of these will resonate with someone on the sensitivity spectrum, yeah?\r\n\r\nAs per Abrahams, HSPs typically experience many of the below -\r\n<ol>\r\n 	<li>Easily overwhelmed by external stimuli (lights, strong smells and sounds).</li>\r\n 	<li>Easily overwhelmed by internal stimuli (thought, emotions and realisations).</li>\r\n 	<li>Higher empathy and awareness of other’s needs.</li>\r\n 	<li>Aversion to large groups or crowds.</li>\r\n 	<li>Rattled when they feel time pressured.</li>\r\n 	<li>Avoid violent movies and TV shows.</li>\r\n 	<li>Need alone time as can experience overwhelm, exhaustion and even burnout.</li>\r\n 	<li>Often withdraw to get relief into a private space.</li>\r\n 	<li>Arrange their lives to avoid situations where they will feel upset or overwhelmed.</li>\r\n 	<li>They notice or enjoy delicate scents, tastes, sounds, or works of art.</li>\r\n 	<li>They have a rich and complex inner life (intuition or creativity).</li>\r\n 	<li>Difficulty with transitions and changes.</li>\r\n 	<li>Were often sensitive or shy as a child.</li>\r\n</ol>\r\n<h3>Are empaths and highly sensitive persons linked?</h3>\r\nWell, not necessarily. While the two do share some common traits and crossovers, they also have a lot of differences, too.\r\n\r\n“I believe Dr Judith Orloff’s notion of an empathic spectrum describes the difference between HSPs and empaths well, and it is a matter of degrees of empathy that distinguish them,” explains Abrahams.\r\n\r\n“You can imagine a spectrum moving from no empathy on the left of the spectrum (those who are deficient in empathy such as narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths) to normal loving, empathic people as you move along the spectrum, to HSPs and at the other end of the spectrum are empaths.”\r\n\r\nTo give you an idea of what this might look like, here’s what the Empathic Spectrum looks like below -\r\n\r\n<img src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/12/Empaths-HSPs-Linked-1024x141.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"88\" />\r\n\r\nInteresting!\r\n\r\nWhile empaths share all the traits of HSPs, Abrahams said the main difference is that “empaths take the empathic experience much further and absorb even more of the emotional energy or stimuli from others and the environment.”\r\n\r\nSo, it’s kind of like an accelerated version of HSPs, where they’re wired to process other people’s feelings more intensely, effecting them in numerous ways.\r\n\r\n“I see empaths as being more porous than HSPs, as if they have less of an internal/external boundary – where it is difficult to differentiate between what is my stuff and what is your stuff? It all becomes the empath’s stuff and they often cannot tell the difference as they internalise the feelings and pain of others.”\r\n\r\n“Empaths differ from HSPs as many empaths feel intuitively connected within themselves, and to animals and nature. This is not part of the HSP personality trait.”\r\n<h3>Why is there such a buzz around the term ‘highly sensitive person’?</h3>\r\nIf you’re wondering why there’s suddenly so much talk around a term that’s been around for yonks, so are we. But according to Abrahams, there are a few reasons behind it – and it’s got nothing to do with The White Lotus.\r\n\r\n“Humans love to categorise and put people in understandable boxes. We have done this forever by declaring someone is narcissistic or borderline or bipolar if we don’t understand or appreciate their behaviour,” said Abrahams.\r\n\r\n“I believe the unqualified diagnosis and labelling someone HSP is similar, where we have deemed their behaviour as ‘too sensitive’ and clearly a failing of some sort.”\r\n\r\nAnd you know who’s sitting at the crux of it? You guessed it…\r\n\r\n“Millennials are often the target of this unprofessional diagnosis, with the notion that they have all been wrapped in cotton wool. Calling them HSPs implies they are a ‘snowflake’ – where they lack resilience and are more prone to taking offence. This does not recognise the gifts and limitations in combination that HSPs experience.”\r\n\r\n“I believe the term is being overused without understanding the impact the sensitivity has on the person,” adds Abrahams.\r\n<h3>How being a ‘highly sensitive person’ can impact your relationships.</h3>\r\nRelationships can be complicated AF – no matter your personality type. But being a HSP and having this kind of deep emotional intelligence can heighten a lot of the usual nuances – whether it’s with your friends, family or significant other.\r\n\r\nBelow are some of the native impacts being a HSP can have on your relationships...\r\n<h4>Emotional self-regulation</h4>\r\n“Even though HSPs may have a high awareness of themselves and others’ emotional states, it does not mean that they can necessarily handle negative emotions inside of themselves.”\r\n\r\nWhat’s usually absent is the regulation of emotions, with HSPs feeling overwhelmed at higher levels than others.\r\n\r\n“When this happens, they can feel fear, anger, shame or sadness that they express impulsively in an outburst,” said Abrahams.\r\n\r\n“This can lead to conflict with their partner who may feel attacked, shamed or blindsided by what their HSP partner saw.”\r\n\r\nFor those who cannot self regulate this trait, it can end up being a case where you are able to be sensitive and aware of others, but unable to support your own wellbeing.\r\n<h4>Emotional challenges</h4>\r\n“HSPs take on the feelings of their partner and others which leaves them affected by changes of states in others. This can be difficult in a relationship; we all need to be able to have emotional variations in our day-to-day lives without something always ‘being wrong’ or needing attention brought to it,” said Abrahams.\r\n\r\nThis might mean there’s way too much focus on everyone else around you, and not enough focus on yourself.\r\n\r\nWhat’s more, Abrahams said HSPs often have emotional or interpersonal challenges in that they often want others to be more like them.\r\n\r\n“Whilst they may be aware and sensitive to others, they also feel upset when they feel others don’t meet their standards or feel sufficient reciprocation of similar care, thought about them,” she said.\r\n\r\n“It can feel lonely and there is often a large gap between how the HSP thinks about others and their needs versus what they receive in return.\r\n\r\n“They can feel disappointed, anxious, depressed by this gap. Some can also be highly critical of those who fall short. As said previously, emotional awareness does not necessarily mean the HSP has the ability to regulate their emotions.”\r\n<h4>Restriction on one’s partner</h4>\r\nAccording to Abrahams, HSPs often have heightened startle responses which often prevents them being able to tolerate TV shows where there is horror or for some even thrillers, or certain styles or volume of music.\r\n\r\nUm. We feel… seen.\r\n\r\n“This means they create rules so that they do not become overwhelmed. In a relationship, a partner or family member will be restricted by the conditions imposed on them.”\r\n\r\nThis might include restrictions on what TV shows or movies are acceptable. If you’re the kind of person who hides behind the sofa during a cringe-y movie or a thriller – you know what we’re talking about.\r\n\r\n“The problem when viewing is that HSPs never know when the tension or suspense will increase, and all of a sudden it becomes too much to handle.”\r\n\r\nThe same goes for music, with Abrahams saying that some HSPs may be able to tolerate rock or pop music yet unable to tolerate their partner’s jazz music.\r\n\r\n“The partner may only feel free to listen to this when they are alone as they don’t want to impose the jazz on their partner and cause them to suffer.”\r\n<h4>Avoid, miss out and have FOMO</h4>\r\nBecause HSPs find it hard to be reactive and overstimulated by the environment, Abrahams said they will often opt out of arrangements with their partner, friends, or family when they know that they will struggle.\r\n\r\n“This is because their discomfort is not mild, for HSPs the environment becomes unbearable, and this will alter their emotional state immediately. For many they cannot go to concerts as they are too loud, shopping centres are too crowded, and even the sun is too bright.”\r\n<h4>Fatigue</h4>\r\nBeing an emotional sponge for everyone around you can be… exhausting.\r\n\r\n“It is tiring to be so overstimulated by the environment and other’s emotions. HSPs often focus on their energy levels and pay a hefty price when they are exhausted. In a relationship, they can be the couple handbrake or the killjoy.”\r\n\r\nFor HSPs, sleep is a way to soothe their over-worked senses. So when they don’t get enough sleep – everything kind of goes to sh*t.\r\n\r\n“Their partner often needs to make concessions around them, such as leaving early or going alone even though they want their partner with them. It is frustrating for both partners and life limiting.”\r\n<h4>Prioritising self-care</h4>\r\nAbrahams said HSPs need to take close care of their mental and physical wellbeing as they are more susceptible to burnout.\r\n\r\n“For the HSP they need to prioritise sufficient sleep, sufficient down time following overstimulation and healthy food.”\r\n\r\nWhile it might seem just like a little bit of harmless self-care, Abrahams said having a relationship with an HSP may be limiting for some partners.\r\n\r\n“The relationship may lack spontaneity, and one’s partner may get tired of generating ideas that are rejected due to the need for self-care and the threat of overstimulation.”\r\n<h3>The positives of being a highly sensitive person</h3>\r\nBut! It’s not all bad! Promise, you guys. On the flip side of things, there can be numerous benefits to relationships with HSPs.\r\n\r\nAbrahams said some of the positive impacts include...\r\n<h4>Kindness</h4>\r\n“HSPs can be kind and caring of their partner, often focusing on their wellbeing. They have a lot to give. The health of the relationship matters a lot to them.”\r\n<h4>Creative, appreciating and sharing with one’s partner and others</h4>\r\nIf a HSP has an interest in arts and music, Abrahams said they will usually possess the ability to be able to tap into more of the emotional experience created by the artist.\r\n\r\n“It is likely that their emotional awareness to others, art, music and the environment hooks into their being and allows them a deeper connection with their visual, auditory, and emotional world,” she adds.\r\n\r\n“This can be shared with one’s partner and they develop a deeper understanding of these landscapes too. The partner of an HSP can overtime develop a deeper understanding of people’s minds, intentions and motivation.”\r\n\r\nHow cool is that!\r\n\r\n“It is a rich and fascinating world that the HSPs can bring to others and offer different perspectives, show curiosity for others, and be generous of themselves. Others may benefit greatly from their emotional wisdom.”\r\n\r\nWhile the idea of having superhuman emotional intelligence might sound like fun, Abrahams said it’s important to acknowledge both the ‘good’ and ‘bad’ aspects of the trait.\r\n\r\n“Whilst it can be an asset to have emotional intelligence, it is not given without a price being paid. It’s like superman having incredible powers to fly, change time and save people, until he encounters a blob of kryptonite that weakens him completely, taking him out.\r\n\r\n“We should not overvalue the benefits and gifts HSPs have and ignore the price paid for the gift. It’s a package deal.”\r\n\r\nIf you’re a HSP and you’re looking for some help in improving your communication with your partner, Abrahams has a free e-book available <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/service/top-tips-for-improving-couple-communication/\"><strong>here</strong></a>.','Why Your Relationship Feels Like A Struggle Right Now',' Relationships can be TOUGH. And while things like cheating and trust issues are some very obvious red...','inherit','closed','closed','','5100-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 09:09:27','2022-08-26 09:09:27','',5100,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5101',0,'revision','',0),(5102,3,'2022-08-26 09:13:25','2022-08-26 09:13:25','<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */<br />\r\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>\r\n<h1>Mamam!a</h1>\r\nArticle - source: Mamamia\r\n<h2>13 signs you’re a ‘highly sensitive person’, and what that means for your relationships</h2>\r\n16 December 2021\r\n\r\nWhether you’ve watched The White Lotus or not (where have you been?!), you’re probably familiar with the term ‘highly sensitive person’. Yeah? It’s the diagnosis that’s popping up everywhere right now – and it’s got tons of people suddenly identifying themselves as HSPs.\r\n\r\nBut while it might seem like a new Gen Z kinda thing, HSP is actually a very real trait that means a lot more than just being “too sensitive”.\r\n\r\nIf you’re a HSP, essentially you’ll have a heightened sensory system, meaning you’re increasingly sensitive to physical, emotional and social stimuli – everything from sights to sounds and textures.\r\n\r\nIn saying that, it’s nothing major to worry about – so don’t freak out. Being a highly sensitive person doesn’t affect your health in any way (it’s a normal trait), and is actually often seen as something that is quite beneficial.\r\n\r\nHowever, there are some occasional disadvantages of feeling too much, too deep.\r\n\r\nHere, we asked psychotherapist Lissy Abrahams everything we need to know about HSPs – and what kind of impact it might have on our relationships.\r\n\r\n<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */<br />\r\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style>\r\n<h3>What is a ‘highly sensitive person’ diagnosis?</h3>\r\nOriginally coined by researcher Dr Elaine Aron in the early 90s, HSP is not really a disorder or diagnosis.\r\n\r\n“HSP is a personality trait which has a particular pattern of thoughts, feelings and behaviours that are consistent and stable across one’s lifespan. Another example of a personality trait is introversion or extroversion,” explains Abrahams.\r\n\r\n“It is not a disorder; it is a sensitivity, and its scientific name is Sensory-Processing Sensitivity. There is sensory processing disorder, which is a condition where the response to sensory input is impaired. For HSPs there is no impairment, however they have a stronger reaction than those without the sensitivity.”\r\n\r\nAccording to research by Dr Aron, HSP is completely normal and something that is found in 15 to 20 per cent of the population. Meaning? Around one in five people will be HSPs.\r\n\r\nSo, chances are you either know one or you are one.\r\n\r\n“HSP is innate and also evident in other species. Being HSPs may increase their chances of survival as HSPs observe and reflect on the subtleties of others before acting.”\r\n\r\nHowever, while HSPs might easily notice details and patterns that others miss, the drawback is that HSPs can get easily overwhelmed.\r\n\r\nThink of 15 people calling and texting you at the same time.\r\n\r\n“HSPs expend their energy noticing people and environmental stimuli. Therefore, they often withdraw to replenish their energy and calm down their nervous system,” explains Abrahams.\r\n\r\n“They are often overstimulated and easily overwhelmed. This makes them sensitive to sounds or light or crowds.”\r\n<h3>What are the signs of a highly sensitive person?</h3>\r\nOkay, so how do you actually ~know~ if you’re on the HSP side of things? Well, according to Abrahams, there are 13 common symptoms that are related to HSP.\r\n\r\nHowever, it’s important to point out that not all of these will resonate with someone on the sensitivity spectrum, yeah?\r\n\r\nAs per Abrahams, HSPs typically experience many of the below -\r\n<ol>\r\n 	<li>Easily overwhelmed by external stimuli (lights, strong smells and sounds).</li>\r\n 	<li>Easily overwhelmed by internal stimuli (thought, emotions and realisations).</li>\r\n 	<li>Higher empathy and awareness of other’s needs.</li>\r\n 	<li>Aversion to large groups or crowds.</li>\r\n 	<li>Rattled when they feel time pressured.</li>\r\n 	<li>Avoid violent movies and TV shows.</li>\r\n 	<li>Need alone time as can experience overwhelm, exhaustion and even burnout.</li>\r\n 	<li>Often withdraw to get relief into a private space.</li>\r\n 	<li>Arrange their lives to avoid situations where they will feel upset or overwhelmed.</li>\r\n 	<li>They notice or enjoy delicate scents, tastes, sounds, or works of art.</li>\r\n 	<li>They have a rich and complex inner life (intuition or creativity).</li>\r\n 	<li>Difficulty with transitions and changes.</li>\r\n 	<li>Were often sensitive or shy as a child.</li>\r\n</ol>\r\n<h3>Are empaths and highly sensitive persons linked?</h3>\r\nWell, not necessarily. While the two do share some common traits and crossovers, they also have a lot of differences, too.\r\n\r\n“I believe Dr Judith Orloff’s notion of an empathic spectrum describes the difference between HSPs and empaths well, and it is a matter of degrees of empathy that distinguish them,” explains Abrahams.\r\n\r\n“You can imagine a spectrum moving from no empathy on the left of the spectrum (those who are deficient in empathy such as narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths) to normal loving, empathic people as you move along the spectrum, to HSPs and at the other end of the spectrum are empaths.”\r\n\r\nTo give you an idea of what this might look like, here’s what the Empathic Spectrum looks like below -\r\n\r\n<img src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/12/Empaths-HSPs-Linked-1024x141.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"88\" />\r\n\r\nInteresting!\r\n\r\nWhile empaths share all the traits of HSPs, Abrahams said the main difference is that “empaths take the empathic experience much further and absorb even more of the emotional energy or stimuli from others and the environment.”\r\n\r\nSo, it’s kind of like an accelerated version of HSPs, where they’re wired to process other people’s feelings more intensely, effecting them in numerous ways.\r\n\r\n“I see empaths as being more porous than HSPs, as if they have less of an internal/external boundary – where it is difficult to differentiate between what is my stuff and what is your stuff? It all becomes the empath’s stuff and they often cannot tell the difference as they internalise the feelings and pain of others.”\r\n\r\n“Empaths differ from HSPs as many empaths feel intuitively connected within themselves, and to animals and nature. This is not part of the HSP personality trait.”\r\n<h3>Why is there such a buzz around the term ‘highly sensitive person’?</h3>\r\nIf you’re wondering why there’s suddenly so much talk around a term that’s been around for yonks, so are we. But according to Abrahams, there are a few reasons behind it – and it’s got nothing to do with The White Lotus.\r\n\r\n“Humans love to categorise and put people in understandable boxes. We have done this forever by declaring someone is narcissistic or borderline or bipolar if we don’t understand or appreciate their behaviour,” said Abrahams.\r\n\r\n“I believe the unqualified diagnosis and labelling someone HSP is similar, where we have deemed their behaviour as ‘too sensitive’ and clearly a failing of some sort.”\r\n\r\nAnd you know who’s sitting at the crux of it? You guessed it…\r\n\r\n“Millennials are often the target of this unprofessional diagnosis, with the notion that they have all been wrapped in cotton wool. Calling them HSPs implies they are a ‘snowflake’ – where they lack resilience and are more prone to taking offence. This does not recognise the gifts and limitations in combination that HSPs experience.”\r\n\r\n“I believe the term is being overused without understanding the impact the sensitivity has on the person,” adds Abrahams.\r\n<h3>How being a ‘highly sensitive person’ can impact your relationships.</h3>\r\nRelationships can be complicated AF – no matter your personality type. But being a HSP and having this kind of deep emotional intelligence can heighten a lot of the usual nuances – whether it’s with your friends, family or significant other.\r\n\r\nBelow are some of the native impacts being a HSP can have on your relationships...\r\n<h4>Emotional self-regulation</h4>\r\n“Even though HSPs may have a high awareness of themselves and others’ emotional states, it does not mean that they can necessarily handle negative emotions inside of themselves.”\r\n\r\nWhat’s usually absent is the regulation of emotions, with HSPs feeling overwhelmed at higher levels than others.\r\n\r\n“When this happens, they can feel fear, anger, shame or sadness that they express impulsively in an outburst,” said Abrahams.\r\n\r\n“This can lead to conflict with their partner who may feel attacked, shamed or blindsided by what their HSP partner saw.”\r\n\r\nFor those who cannot self regulate this trait, it can end up being a case where you are able to be sensitive and aware of others, but unable to support your own wellbeing.\r\n<h4>Emotional challenges</h4>\r\n“HSPs take on the feelings of their partner and others which leaves them affected by changes of states in others. This can be difficult in a relationship; we all need to be able to have emotional variations in our day-to-day lives without something always ‘being wrong’ or needing attention brought to it,” said Abrahams.\r\n\r\nThis might mean there’s way too much focus on everyone else around you, and not enough focus on yourself.\r\n\r\nWhat’s more, Abrahams said HSPs often have emotional or interpersonal challenges in that they often want others to be more like them.\r\n\r\n“Whilst they may be aware and sensitive to others, they also feel upset when they feel others don’t meet their standards or feel sufficient reciprocation of similar care, thought about them,” she said.\r\n\r\n“It can feel lonely and there is often a large gap between how the HSP thinks about others and their needs versus what they receive in return.\r\n\r\n“They can feel disappointed, anxious, depressed by this gap. Some can also be highly critical of those who fall short. As said previously, emotional awareness does not necessarily mean the HSP has the ability to regulate their emotions.”\r\n<h4>Restriction on one’s partner</h4>\r\nAccording to Abrahams, HSPs often have heightened startle responses which often prevents them being able to tolerate TV shows where there is horror or for some even thrillers, or certain styles or volume of music.\r\n\r\nUm. We feel… seen.\r\n\r\n“This means they create rules so that they do not become overwhelmed. In a relationship, a partner or family member will be restricted by the conditions imposed on them.”\r\n\r\nThis might include restrictions on what TV shows or movies are acceptable. If you’re the kind of person who hides behind the sofa during a cringe-y movie or a thriller – you know what we’re talking about.\r\n\r\n“The problem when viewing is that HSPs never know when the tension or suspense will increase, and all of a sudden it becomes too much to handle.”\r\n\r\nThe same goes for music, with Abrahams saying that some HSPs may be able to tolerate rock or pop music yet unable to tolerate their partner’s jazz music.\r\n\r\n“The partner may only feel free to listen to this when they are alone as they don’t want to impose the jazz on their partner and cause them to suffer.”\r\n<h4>Avoid, miss out and have FOMO</h4>\r\nBecause HSPs find it hard to be reactive and overstimulated by the environment, Abrahams said they will often opt out of arrangements with their partner, friends, or family when they know that they will struggle.\r\n\r\n“This is because their discomfort is not mild, for HSPs the environment becomes unbearable, and this will alter their emotional state immediately. For many they cannot go to concerts as they are too loud, shopping centres are too crowded, and even the sun is too bright.”\r\n<h4>Fatigue</h4>\r\nBeing an emotional sponge for everyone around you can be… exhausting.\r\n\r\n“It is tiring to be so overstimulated by the environment and other’s emotions. HSPs often focus on their energy levels and pay a hefty price when they are exhausted. In a relationship, they can be the couple handbrake or the killjoy.”\r\n\r\nFor HSPs, sleep is a way to soothe their over-worked senses. So when they don’t get enough sleep – everything kind of goes to sh*t.\r\n\r\n“Their partner often needs to make concessions around them, such as leaving early or going alone even though they want their partner with them. It is frustrating for both partners and life limiting.”\r\n<h4>Prioritising self-care</h4>\r\nAbrahams said HSPs need to take close care of their mental and physical wellbeing as they are more susceptible to burnout.\r\n\r\n“For the HSP they need to prioritise sufficient sleep, sufficient down time following overstimulation and healthy food.”\r\n\r\nWhile it might seem just like a little bit of harmless self-care, Abrahams said having a relationship with an HSP may be limiting for some partners.\r\n\r\n“The relationship may lack spontaneity, and one’s partner may get tired of generating ideas that are rejected due to the need for self-care and the threat of overstimulation.”\r\n<h3>The positives of being a highly sensitive person</h3>\r\nBut! It’s not all bad! Promise, you guys. On the flip side of things, there can be numerous benefits to relationships with HSPs.\r\n\r\nAbrahams said some of the positive impacts include...\r\n<h4>Kindness</h4>\r\n“HSPs can be kind and caring of their partner, often focusing on their wellbeing. They have a lot to give. The health of the relationship matters a lot to them.”\r\n<h4>Creative, appreciating and sharing with one’s partner and others</h4>\r\nIf a HSP has an interest in arts and music, Abrahams said they will usually possess the ability to be able to tap into more of the emotional experience created by the artist.\r\n\r\n“It is likely that their emotional awareness to others, art, music and the environment hooks into their being and allows them a deeper connection with their visual, auditory, and emotional world,” she adds.\r\n\r\n“This can be shared with one’s partner and they develop a deeper understanding of these landscapes too. The partner of an HSP can overtime develop a deeper understanding of people’s minds, intentions and motivation.”\r\n\r\nHow cool is that!\r\n\r\n“It is a rich and fascinating world that the HSPs can bring to others and offer different perspectives, show curiosity for others, and be generous of themselves. Others may benefit greatly from their emotional wisdom.”\r\n\r\nWhile the idea of having superhuman emotional intelligence might sound like fun, Abrahams said it’s important to acknowledge both the ‘good’ and ‘bad’ aspects of the trait.\r\n\r\n“Whilst it can be an asset to have emotional intelligence, it is not given without a price being paid. It’s like superman having incredible powers to fly, change time and save people, until he encounters a blob of kryptonite that weakens him completely, taking him out.\r\n\r\n“We should not overvalue the benefits and gifts HSPs have and ignore the price paid for the gift. It’s a package deal.”\r\n\r\nIf you’re a HSP and you’re looking for some help in improving your communication with your partner, Abrahams has a free e-book available <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/service/top-tips-for-improving-couple-communication/\"><strong>here</strong></a>.','Why Your Relationship Feels Like A Struggle Right Now',' Relationships can be TOUGH. And while things like cheating and trust issues are some very obvious red...','inherit','closed','closed','','5100-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 09:13:25','2022-08-26 09:13:25','',5100,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5102',0,'revision','',0),(5103,3,'2022-08-26 09:13:25','2022-08-26 09:13:25','<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */<br />\r\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>\r\n<h1>Mamam!a</h1>\r\nArticle - source: Mamamia\r\n<h2>13 signs you’re a ‘highly sensitive person’, and what that means for your relationships</h2>\r\n16 December 2021\r\n\r\nWhether you’ve watched The White Lotus or not (where have you been?!), you’re probably familiar with the term ‘highly sensitive person’. Yeah? It’s the diagnosis that’s popping up everywhere right now – and it’s got tons of people suddenly identifying themselves as HSPs.\r\n\r\nBut while it might seem like a new Gen Z kinda thing, HSP is actually a very real trait that means a lot more than just being “too sensitive”.\r\n\r\nIf you’re a HSP, essentially you’ll have a heightened sensory system, meaning you’re increasingly sensitive to physical, emotional and social stimuli – everything from sights to sounds and textures.\r\n\r\nIn saying that, it’s nothing major to worry about – so don’t freak out. Being a highly sensitive person doesn’t affect your health in any way (it’s a normal trait), and is actually often seen as something that is quite beneficial.\r\n\r\nHowever, there are some occasional disadvantages of feeling too much, too deep.\r\n\r\nHere, we asked psychotherapist Lissy Abrahams everything we need to know about HSPs – and what kind of impact it might have on our relationships.\r\n\r\n<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */<br />\r\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style>\r\n<h3>What is a ‘highly sensitive person’ diagnosis?</h3>\r\nOriginally coined by researcher Dr Elaine Aron in the early 90s, HSP is not really a disorder or diagnosis.\r\n\r\n“HSP is a personality trait which has a particular pattern of thoughts, feelings and behaviours that are consistent and stable across one’s lifespan. Another example of a personality trait is introversion or extroversion,” explains Abrahams.\r\n\r\n“It is not a disorder; it is a sensitivity, and its scientific name is Sensory-Processing Sensitivity. There is sensory processing disorder, which is a condition where the response to sensory input is impaired. For HSPs there is no impairment, however they have a stronger reaction than those without the sensitivity.”\r\n\r\nAccording to research by Dr Aron, HSP is completely normal and something that is found in 15 to 20 per cent of the population. Meaning? Around one in five people will be HSPs.\r\n\r\nSo, chances are you either know one or you are one.\r\n\r\n“HSP is innate and also evident in other species. Being HSPs may increase their chances of survival as HSPs observe and reflect on the subtleties of others before acting.”\r\n\r\nHowever, while HSPs might easily notice details and patterns that others miss, the drawback is that HSPs can get easily overwhelmed.\r\n\r\nThink of 15 people calling and texting you at the same time.\r\n\r\n“HSPs expend their energy noticing people and environmental stimuli. Therefore, they often withdraw to replenish their energy and calm down their nervous system,” explains Abrahams.\r\n\r\n“They are often overstimulated and easily overwhelmed. This makes them sensitive to sounds or light or crowds.”\r\n<h3>What are the signs of a highly sensitive person?</h3>\r\nOkay, so how do you actually ~know~ if you’re on the HSP side of things? Well, according to Abrahams, there are 13 common symptoms that are related to HSP.\r\n\r\nHowever, it’s important to point out that not all of these will resonate with someone on the sensitivity spectrum, yeah?\r\n\r\nAs per Abrahams, HSPs typically experience many of the below -\r\n<ol>\r\n 	<li>Easily overwhelmed by external stimuli (lights, strong smells and sounds).</li>\r\n 	<li>Easily overwhelmed by internal stimuli (thought, emotions and realisations).</li>\r\n 	<li>Higher empathy and awareness of other’s needs.</li>\r\n 	<li>Aversion to large groups or crowds.</li>\r\n 	<li>Rattled when they feel time pressured.</li>\r\n 	<li>Avoid violent movies and TV shows.</li>\r\n 	<li>Need alone time as can experience overwhelm, exhaustion and even burnout.</li>\r\n 	<li>Often withdraw to get relief into a private space.</li>\r\n 	<li>Arrange their lives to avoid situations where they will feel upset or overwhelmed.</li>\r\n 	<li>They notice or enjoy delicate scents, tastes, sounds, or works of art.</li>\r\n 	<li>They have a rich and complex inner life (intuition or creativity).</li>\r\n 	<li>Difficulty with transitions and changes.</li>\r\n 	<li>Were often sensitive or shy as a child.</li>\r\n</ol>\r\n<h3>Are empaths and highly sensitive persons linked?</h3>\r\nWell, not necessarily. While the two do share some common traits and crossovers, they also have a lot of differences, too.\r\n\r\n“I believe Dr Judith Orloff’s notion of an empathic spectrum describes the difference between HSPs and empaths well, and it is a matter of degrees of empathy that distinguish them,” explains Abrahams.\r\n\r\n“You can imagine a spectrum moving from no empathy on the left of the spectrum (those who are deficient in empathy such as narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths) to normal loving, empathic people as you move along the spectrum, to HSPs and at the other end of the spectrum are empaths.”\r\n\r\nTo give you an idea of what this might look like, here’s what the Empathic Spectrum looks like below -\r\n\r\n<img src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/12/Empaths-HSPs-Linked-1024x141.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"88\" />\r\n\r\nInteresting!\r\n\r\nWhile empaths share all the traits of HSPs, Abrahams said the main difference is that “empaths take the empathic experience much further and absorb even more of the emotional energy or stimuli from others and the environment.”\r\n\r\nSo, it’s kind of like an accelerated version of HSPs, where they’re wired to process other people’s feelings more intensely, effecting them in numerous ways.\r\n\r\n“I see empaths as being more porous than HSPs, as if they have less of an internal/external boundary – where it is difficult to differentiate between what is my stuff and what is your stuff? It all becomes the empath’s stuff and they often cannot tell the difference as they internalise the feelings and pain of others.”\r\n\r\n“Empaths differ from HSPs as many empaths feel intuitively connected within themselves, and to animals and nature. This is not part of the HSP personality trait.”\r\n<h3>Why is there such a buzz around the term ‘highly sensitive person’?</h3>\r\nIf you’re wondering why there’s suddenly so much talk around a term that’s been around for yonks, so are we. But according to Abrahams, there are a few reasons behind it – and it’s got nothing to do with The White Lotus.\r\n\r\n“Humans love to categorise and put people in understandable boxes. We have done this forever by declaring someone is narcissistic or borderline or bipolar if we don’t understand or appreciate their behaviour,” said Abrahams.\r\n\r\n“I believe the unqualified diagnosis and labelling someone HSP is similar, where we have deemed their behaviour as ‘too sensitive’ and clearly a failing of some sort.”\r\n\r\nAnd you know who’s sitting at the crux of it? You guessed it…\r\n\r\n“Millennials are often the target of this unprofessional diagnosis, with the notion that they have all been wrapped in cotton wool. Calling them HSPs implies they are a ‘snowflake’ – where they lack resilience and are more prone to taking offence. This does not recognise the gifts and limitations in combination that HSPs experience.”\r\n\r\n“I believe the term is being overused without understanding the impact the sensitivity has on the person,” adds Abrahams.\r\n<h3>How being a ‘highly sensitive person’ can impact your relationships.</h3>\r\nRelationships can be complicated AF – no matter your personality type. But being a HSP and having this kind of deep emotional intelligence can heighten a lot of the usual nuances – whether it’s with your friends, family or significant other.\r\n\r\nBelow are some of the native impacts being a HSP can have on your relationships...\r\n<h4>Emotional self-regulation</h4>\r\n“Even though HSPs may have a high awareness of themselves and others’ emotional states, it does not mean that they can necessarily handle negative emotions inside of themselves.”\r\n\r\nWhat’s usually absent is the regulation of emotions, with HSPs feeling overwhelmed at higher levels than others.\r\n\r\n“When this happens, they can feel fear, anger, shame or sadness that they express impulsively in an outburst,” said Abrahams.\r\n\r\n“This can lead to conflict with their partner who may feel attacked, shamed or blindsided by what their HSP partner saw.”\r\n\r\nFor those who cannot self regulate this trait, it can end up being a case where you are able to be sensitive and aware of others, but unable to support your own wellbeing.\r\n<h4>Emotional challenges</h4>\r\n“HSPs take on the feelings of their partner and others which leaves them affected by changes of states in others. This can be difficult in a relationship; we all need to be able to have emotional variations in our day-to-day lives without something always ‘being wrong’ or needing attention brought to it,” said Abrahams.\r\n\r\nThis might mean there’s way too much focus on everyone else around you, and not enough focus on yourself.\r\n\r\nWhat’s more, Abrahams said HSPs often have emotional or interpersonal challenges in that they often want others to be more like them.\r\n\r\n“Whilst they may be aware and sensitive to others, they also feel upset when they feel others don’t meet their standards or feel sufficient reciprocation of similar care, thought about them,” she said.\r\n\r\n“It can feel lonely and there is often a large gap between how the HSP thinks about others and their needs versus what they receive in return.\r\n\r\n“They can feel disappointed, anxious, depressed by this gap. Some can also be highly critical of those who fall short. As said previously, emotional awareness does not necessarily mean the HSP has the ability to regulate their emotions.”\r\n<h4>Restriction on one’s partner</h4>\r\nAccording to Abrahams, HSPs often have heightened startle responses which often prevents them being able to tolerate TV shows where there is horror or for some even thrillers, or certain styles or volume of music.\r\n\r\nUm. We feel… seen.\r\n\r\n“This means they create rules so that they do not become overwhelmed. In a relationship, a partner or family member will be restricted by the conditions imposed on them.”\r\n\r\nThis might include restrictions on what TV shows or movies are acceptable. If you’re the kind of person who hides behind the sofa during a cringe-y movie or a thriller – you know what we’re talking about.\r\n\r\n“The problem when viewing is that HSPs never know when the tension or suspense will increase, and all of a sudden it becomes too much to handle.”\r\n\r\nThe same goes for music, with Abrahams saying that some HSPs may be able to tolerate rock or pop music yet unable to tolerate their partner’s jazz music.\r\n\r\n“The partner may only feel free to listen to this when they are alone as they don’t want to impose the jazz on their partner and cause them to suffer.”\r\n<h4>Avoid, miss out and have FOMO</h4>\r\nBecause HSPs find it hard to be reactive and overstimulated by the environment, Abrahams said they will often opt out of arrangements with their partner, friends, or family when they know that they will struggle.\r\n\r\n“This is because their discomfort is not mild, for HSPs the environment becomes unbearable, and this will alter their emotional state immediately. For many they cannot go to concerts as they are too loud, shopping centres are too crowded, and even the sun is too bright.”\r\n<h4>Fatigue</h4>\r\nBeing an emotional sponge for everyone around you can be… exhausting.\r\n\r\n“It is tiring to be so overstimulated by the environment and other’s emotions. HSPs often focus on their energy levels and pay a hefty price when they are exhausted. In a relationship, they can be the couple handbrake or the killjoy.”\r\n\r\nFor HSPs, sleep is a way to soothe their over-worked senses. So when they don’t get enough sleep – everything kind of goes to sh*t.\r\n\r\n“Their partner often needs to make concessions around them, such as leaving early or going alone even though they want their partner with them. It is frustrating for both partners and life limiting.”\r\n<h4>Prioritising self-care</h4>\r\nAbrahams said HSPs need to take close care of their mental and physical wellbeing as they are more susceptible to burnout.\r\n\r\n“For the HSP they need to prioritise sufficient sleep, sufficient down time following overstimulation and healthy food.”\r\n\r\nWhile it might seem just like a little bit of harmless self-care, Abrahams said having a relationship with an HSP may be limiting for some partners.\r\n\r\n“The relationship may lack spontaneity, and one’s partner may get tired of generating ideas that are rejected due to the need for self-care and the threat of overstimulation.”\r\n<h3>The positives of being a highly sensitive person</h3>\r\nBut! It’s not all bad! Promise, you guys. On the flip side of things, there can be numerous benefits to relationships with HSPs.\r\n\r\nAbrahams said some of the positive impacts include...\r\n<h4>Kindness</h4>\r\n“HSPs can be kind and caring of their partner, often focusing on their wellbeing. They have a lot to give. The health of the relationship matters a lot to them.”\r\n<h4>Creative, appreciating and sharing with one’s partner and others</h4>\r\nIf a HSP has an interest in arts and music, Abrahams said they will usually possess the ability to be able to tap into more of the emotional experience created by the artist.\r\n\r\n“It is likely that their emotional awareness to others, art, music and the environment hooks into their being and allows them a deeper connection with their visual, auditory, and emotional world,” she adds.\r\n\r\n“This can be shared with one’s partner and they develop a deeper understanding of these landscapes too. The partner of an HSP can overtime develop a deeper understanding of people’s minds, intentions and motivation.”\r\n\r\nHow cool is that!\r\n\r\n“It is a rich and fascinating world that the HSPs can bring to others and offer different perspectives, show curiosity for others, and be generous of themselves. Others may benefit greatly from their emotional wisdom.”\r\n\r\nWhile the idea of having superhuman emotional intelligence might sound like fun, Abrahams said it’s important to acknowledge both the ‘good’ and ‘bad’ aspects of the trait.\r\n\r\n“Whilst it can be an asset to have emotional intelligence, it is not given without a price being paid. It’s like superman having incredible powers to fly, change time and save people, until he encounters a blob of kryptonite that weakens him completely, taking him out.\r\n\r\n“We should not overvalue the benefits and gifts HSPs have and ignore the price paid for the gift. It’s a package deal.”\r\n\r\nIf you’re a HSP and you’re looking for some help in improving your communication with your partner, Abrahams has a free e-book available <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/service/top-tips-for-improving-couple-communication/\"><strong>here</strong></a>.','Why Your Relationship Feels Like A Struggle Right Now',' Relationships can be TOUGH. And while things like cheating and trust issues are some very obvious red...','inherit','closed','closed','','5100-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 09:13:25','2022-08-26 09:13:25','',5100,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5103',0,'revision','',0),(5104,3,'2022-08-26 09:13:25','2022-08-26 09:13:25','<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>		\n            <h1>\n                Mamam!a            \n        </h1>\n            Article - source: Mamamia        \n            <h2>\n                Why Your Relationship Feels Like A Struggle Right Now            \n        </h2>\n            15 December 2021        \n		<p>If you’re in lockdown and you’re a pinkie nail away from absolutely LOSING YOUR S**T if your partner so much as BREATHES near you (ʘ‿ʘ) – you’re not alone, friend.</p><p>This is a safe space.</p><p>The last year or so has pulled a LEVEL TEN on relationships – and we’re not just talking about intimate partners. We’re talking about housemates, family members – the whole shebang.</p><p>“Lockdowns have been brutal on relationships. Small issues can become big ones when you’re in close confines for months. It’s like being in a pressure cooker,” said psychotherapist and couples counsellor Lissy Abrahams.</p><p>“It’s been very difficult, especially for those who have experienced financial difficulties and job insecurity. The daily grind has worn down many parents who have been juggling homeschooling young children with their work responsibilities.”</p><p>“They might also have a child with special needs and a lot less access to support. Throw in the challenge of border restrictions, many struggle with being separated from family.”</p><p>There’s no denying that the added stress, enforced quality time and changes in our current day-to-day routines has had a massive impact on our relationships and how we communicate with each other. And it’s been a make-or-break situation for many couples.</p><p>“All of these factors contribute to many of us struggling with anxiety, overwhelm, sadness, and even despair. Any of these can tip one or both partners over the edge. If there were any cracks in the relationship before Covid, the pressure from lockdown rips these cracks wide open.”</p><p>However, it’s important to note that it’s not the same for everyone – some couples are  thriving .</p><p>“On the flip side, lockdown has also had its benefits for some couples who say they have much more time together and enjoy working from home without being under the pump all the time.”</p><p>“They may enjoy not continuously travelling overseas or interstate. They may enjoy the simplicity of being home and with their children and may have always sensed that the busy life that they have been living meant that they were missing greater connection with those under their roof.”</p><p>Abrahams said that typically these kinds of couples are in a good position.</p><p>“They have work security, can pay their rent, mortgages and household expenses without worry, their children may be older and mostly self-sufficient.”</p><p>So, with a large proportion of us still in some form of lockdown, we’ve asked Abrahams to share some of her pearls of wisdom when it comes to improving our relationships.</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h3>Why your relationship is suffering right now</h3>		\n		<p>According to Abrahams, there’s two common reasons why your relationship might be going a bit s**t lately: Poor communication and a lack of intimacy.</p><p>Look, we’re not experts – but we’re fairly certain these things are pretty darn important. Right?</p><p>“Many couples are fighting more frequently, being resentful about an uneven take up of household chores, and not feeling heard and understood,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“This is hard work for couples under normal circumstances and can often lead to conflict. Lockdown adds more pressure on these relationships, making life exhausting and lonely. There is less resilience now than at the beginning of lockdowns.”</p><p>When it comes to the intimacy side of things, don’t panic, though – it’s not just you. Abrahams said losing interest in being intimate with each other is another super common issue.</p><p>“Many partners say they “can’t be bothered”, “don’t feel attractive”, or “can’t get in the mood”. Intimacy is a special glue in a relationship. Without it, partners experience loneliness and unhappiness, which can be a slippery slope towards separation and divorce,” she said.</p><p>What’s more, a stale sex life can sometimes feel awkward AF to address – and a lot of people will tend to just push ahead because they feel like it’s too uncomfortable to discuss. Which is never a good thing, really.</p><p>“Feeling emotionally and physically disconnected can lead to partners feeling fearful about their partner’s interest in them, irritation or frustration, and even anger. We don’t like feeling we are moving away from our partner or that they are moving away from us emotionally.”</p><p>So, just how common are we talking?</p><p>According to Abrahams, current research on the pandemic and relationships is backing up what she’s seeing in her consulting room.</p><p>“A recent study from Indiana University revealed that 34 per cent of participants have experienced increased conflict in their relationship and decreased intimacy since the start of the COVID-19 pandemic.”</p><p>No good.</p><p>“This is a worrying figure, and they are linked. The more we fight, the less we want to be close to our partner. The less intimacy we share, the more damage to the relationship.”</p><p>Just to be clear, this increased conflict can happen for a whole load of different reasons – it’s complex as heck.</p><p>“Add partners who are not doing well and rely on alcohol or substances to “just get through the day”. Add to this the fears of business owners about the survival of their business or employees who worry how long their employer will keep them on.”</p><p>Whatever affects one partner emotionally or financially, essentially impacts the other partner and their entire relationship, said Abrahams.</p><p>The good news is that there are some things you can do to fix it.</p>		\n			<h3>How to stop fighting with your partner</h3>		\n		<p>The first and most important thing to do is to take time out. Abrahams said you both need to stop interacting for about 15 minutes and wait for your nervous system to calm down.</p><p>Essentially, chill the f**k out for a couple of minutes.</p><p>“No fight will ever be resolved unless we do this, as the part of the brain and body that is active during the fight-or-flight response is a different part of the brain used for working to solve the problem,” she explains.</p><p>“That’s why it is critical to take time out. It will also help you to reconnect with a clearer mind so you can both try again with a more respectful approach.”</p><p>Another important thing to do is to try to understand the real reason why you’re fighting. Like, for real.</p><p>Abrahams said many of us will get worked up about a topic, but that’s not the real reason we fight – there’s usually underlying, unresolved issues at the core of it.</p><p>“For example, many couples fight about money, but behind this is always one partner who is feeling fear, pain or shame with their partner.”</p><p>Another example would be if our partner spends much more money than us – we can feel fearful of not having enough in the future, said Abrahams.</p><p>“Our partner may experience us as shaming them or trying to control them. It is easy to fight with these emotions going on inside us.”</p>		\n			<h3>Why understanding your ego is important</h3>		\n		<p>We’re not talking about the ego in terms of the whole ‘self-importance’ thing. Nah. We’re talking about the ego as part of your personality. Everyone has it. And it’s an integral trigger when it comes to responding to a threat or situation.</p><p>“There are different definitions of what the ego is, however, essentially it is a part of our mind that is concerned with me, my experiences, my reflections and anything that’s mine. It is my personal framework or lens that I view the world through.”</p><p>“We need our ego to get us out of bed and get dressed for work or to complete tasks or study. We are concerned with our image and identity, and success. We all need a certain amount of healthy ego strength to get on and put ourselves forward for new opportunities. This doesn’t mean the ego is bad. It’s normal.”</p><p>According to Abrahams, nothing can kill a relationship quite like an ego – so it’s important to understand what it is and how it operates, and the feelings of fear and shame that it can produce. Because this alone can help prevent a helluva lot of damage.</p><p>“The ego is the voice in our head that sounds like us. There is no physical structure called the ego, but it is linked to a part of the brain that tells stories about ourselves, others and situations. It likes to feel secure and safe, however it has no idea how to achieve this, and it can make us pretty miserable at times.”</p><p>“It creates stories about ourselves and others and judges, blames, feels inferior or superior. It likes to bolster us when we feel low or shoot us down to feel even lower. Or it does all of this to our partner. It is always involved in couple conflict and sends us into fight-or-flight mode when we feel threatened.</p><p>Just us, or does the ego kinda sounds like a… d**k?</p><p>“Our ego likes to blame our partner when we believe they “made us feel” fearful, distressed or ashamed. We cannot imagine it came from anywhere else. We fight with them and let them know why they are inadequate as a partner, why they let us down and sometimes we shout this at them.”</p><p>As we mentioned before, if you know what your ego looks like when it’s being triggered, you can better recognise what’s going on and when it might be time to take a step back and cool down.</p><p>If you’re struggling to keep your ego in check, Abrahams recommends:</p><p><strong>1. Seeking therapy. </strong></p><p>“It is important we understand some of the experiences that caused us fear, pain or shame in childhood with our parents or caregivers. For many of us, these experiences were traumatic. Therapy will help us identify the triggers so they don’t ruin our lives, our relationships and family.”</p><p><strong>2. Taking an online course.</strong></p><p>“Online courses, like the one I have created, specifically help partners understand how their ego formed from their own experiences and how it impacts their life and relationship,” she said.</p><p><strong>3. Learning mindfulness and breathing techniques.</strong></p><p>According to Abrahams, practices like mindfulness or breathing techniques can help identify ego-based stories and help us calm down when triggered.</p>		\n			<h3>How to improve communication</h3>		\n		<p>Upping your communication is crucial. “Without respectful and skilful communication, we will have difficulty connecting with our partner. If this is prolonged, we may even damage our relationship,” said Abrahams.</p><p>Just take a minute to think back to when you first met your partner and how… different things were when it came to being open and tolerating each other’s differences.</p><p>“When we first met our partner, we listened and shared experiences both past and present, for hours on end. Over time and with increasing life demands and some complacency, we no longer offer them the same respect and generosity of spirit.”</p><p>“We now struggle to really listen to them and them to us, we are not as curious about them anymore, and we don’t always like how they view the world. We can even shoot their opinions down as they feel too threatening to where we want to be in life.”</p><p>“Communication is essential to have a healthy and connected relationship. I have seen many couples struggle with communication, and their intimacy has suffered. Communication does not improve by itself, and couples need to work together to make it better. If couples don’t attend to it, I believe the decay settles in.”</p><p>If you and your partner are having difficulties improving your communication, Abraham recommends seeing an experienced therapist for advice.</p><p>“It is truly transformative and we can learn so much about ourselves and how we operate in our relationship. The benefits extend and often improve relationships with children, extended family, friends, and co-workers.</p><p>“You can also access online courses to work through conflict and communication problems. Seek out resources from credible experts.”</p><p>Above all, Abrahams reminds us to be mindful that, even though they are “our partner”, that does not mean that we own them. Don’t get the two confused.</p><p>“They are not an object, and we need to keep respect and care on the agenda. We need to stop trying to control our partner. We need to stop belittling or judging them or being angry or sulky with them.”</p><p>“Relationships are conditional and if we destroy too many of the conditions holding us together, they can end. We never know if we are going to be part of the 33 percent of couples who divorce each year. No couple sets out to be.”</p><p>“If we want a thriving and connected relationship, we need to do the work to understand our triggers and our conflict to bring health and joy back into our relationship.”</p><p>If you’re looking for help in improving your communication with your partner, Abrahams has a free e-book available <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/service/top-tips-for-improving-couple-communication/\"><strong>here</strong></a>.</p>','Why Your Relationship Feels Like A Struggle Right Now',' Relationships can be TOUGH. And while things like cheating and trust issues are some very obvious red...','inherit','closed','closed','','5100-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 09:13:25','2022-08-26 09:13:25','',5100,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5104',0,'revision','',0),(5105,3,'2021-11-26 09:14:24','2021-11-26 09:14:24','<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>		\n            <h1>\n                MamaM!a            \n        </h1>\n            Article - source: Mamamia        \n            <h2>\n                The Relationship Theory About ‘The One after THE ONE’ That Changes Everything            \n        </h2>\n            26 November 2021        \n		<p>You don’t have to be a fan of <em>Keeping Up With The Kardashians </em>to know all about Kourtney Kardashian’s recent engagement to Travis Barker. It’s EVERYWHERE. Mostly because everyone was convinced she would FINALLY end up with Scott Disick.</p><p>ICYMI (where have you been?), the pair shared a rocky as hell relationship for years, and have three kids together.</p><p>She was single; he was single – eventually they would get back together and work it all out. No?</p><p>Instead, the eldest Kardashian left the back-and-forth relationship with Disick and found Barker – to whom she is now engaged.</p><p>And according to experts, this kind of roadmap is actually quite common in relationships.</p><p>Couples counsellor Lissy Abrahams said that these days we’re becoming more aware than ever of what we want (and expect) from a relationship.</p><p>“The ‘one after the one’ occurs when we believed that we were with the person we’d spend the rest of our lives with, and made a declaration to ourselves, our partner, and others,” explains Abrahams.</p><p>“Over time, we realised that they’re not actually ‘the one’. A separation occurs, and then we meet someone else, who we now declare is ‘the one’.”</p><p>By tapping into how we feel with our partner, and being aware of the emotional experiences we want to have in our relationship, Abrahams said this means we are less likely to stay with what doesn’t actually feel right enough.</p><p>“Many of us work hard to get the relationship on track and we take our commitment seriously, however, if it isn’t working to meet enough of our needs, we’re more able to let it go these days instead of settling.”</p><p>But in order to understand the different factors underlying the one after ‘the one’, we need to first understand why we create ‘the one’ in the first place.</p><p>According to Abrahams, most people create a ‘specialness fantasy’ about their prospective partner at the beginning of their relationship – and it’s during this time that we tend to offer up the best of ourselves.</p><p>“We are considerate, well-groomed, interesting, intelligent, and funny. We want them to view us positively and to continue to find us special. We do our best so they consider us worthy of being their ‘one’,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“When we have an inkling that we may be with ‘the one’ we often assess their qualities rather glowingly. However, we also ignore, dismiss, or downplay information that may not quite fit with the narrative of our prospective partner’s wonderfulness and specialness.”</p><p>“We both do this as we want to get this relationship over the line. The whole future of the relationship depends on this, as no one wants to commit to a ‘normal’ or ‘ordinary’ relationship.”</p><p>INTERESTING.</p><p>Abrahams said that often the ‘specialness fantasy’ fades, allowing you to become more aware of the emotional experiences that might be lacking.</p><p>“We thought the lingering looks, acrobatic sex, and interesting discussions would last longer. The life we thought we’d have together isn’t quite transpiring. We may feel bored, unseen, undesirable. We may sometimes feel some niggles, or even dread. And these may be communicated to our partner via resentment or criticism.”</p><p>When this happens, people will then usually end their relationship because it isn’t honouring what is most important to them in a committed relationship.</p><p>“Then we meet someone else, and they become special in our eyes. We create another specialness fantasy as, once again, we don’t want to commit to someone ordinary and we need to create long-term care and safety with them.”</p><p>Once we’re able to find if we’re in a healthy, reliable relationship with this person, Abraham said we are able to “commit to ‘the one after the one’.”</p><p>So, does this mean we need to experience relationships that don’t work for us to understand what we actually want and desire?</p><p>Here, we asked three women who ended up with the one after ‘the one’ to share their stories.</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h3>Lana</h3>		\n		<p>“After years of casual dating through the apps, I met *Ezra in broad daylight in person, which at the time I put down to “fate”. He played me hot and cold for months, keeping me at arm’s length then love bombing me, and I was addicted to the drama of it.</p><p>He brought out a side of me that made me passionate and furious and desperate for his love, and I honestly thought he was the one for me because love meant you had to struggle this hard, and in the end, they would be worth it – I’d have earned him. This kind of love was supposed to be fiery and addictive, right? I thought he was like the unavailable “Big” to my “Carrie” and we were destined to keep doing this until we settled down.</p><p>He kept saying we were supposed to be together and that he loved me more than any woman he’d ever dated; that I was different and together we were different – he would stop with his previous behaviour and be better for me.</p><p>I eventually discovered that he’d cheated on me with multiple women and cut all ties with him, which was so painful at first, mostly because it was losing something I’d worked so hard for… but ultimately really empowering, even all these years later. Only a month after that I jumped back on the [dating] apps and met *Joel.</p><p>In Joel’s company I was the opposite of what I was with Ezra – calm and at ease, confident with myself rather than anxious about not being a version of me he wanted. Everything was effortless. I never had to question his feelings, or that we were doing this “at the right time” for either of us. After a month we said “I love you” (and meant it), and within a year we were engaged.</p>		\n			<h3>Emma</h3>		\n		<p>I’m engaged, and my fiance was definitely the one after who I thought was the one! I dated this guy all the way through high school and uni – we made it to my final year, doing the long-distance thing and travelling between each other’s universities (which were on opposite sides of England) every couple of weeks.</p><p>We were together until I was 21 when I found out he’d been cheating on me the whole time (I would now not recommend long-distance university relationships!). We broke up, I graduated, moved in with my parents for a bit then relocated to London to get a job.</p><p>I moved into a flat with four strangers and eventually ended up going out with one of the guys! We moved into a flat of our own in London, moved to Sydney together in 2017, got engaged in the middle of COVID at the end of last year and (as long as the world stops going mad) will now be getting married in July 2023.</p>		\n			<h3>Yvette</h3>		\n		<p>Luke and I started dating when we were in high school – he was my first ‘proper’ boyfriend. We shared a lot of the same friends, and after school, we remained in quite a tight-knit group. We dated for almost 10 years before I realised it was no longer the relationship for me.</p><p>He really wanted to settle down, and for me – it just didn’t feel right. I was still young and wanted to have fun. We went on a break and ended up going our separate ways – which was hard as we would often still see each other at group events.</p><p>I ended up meeting Aaron a few months after we broke up – and it just felt really right. For me, he was definitely the one after ‘the one’. Within a year, we had a baby and got engaged – it all just happened so naturally, and everything kind of fell into place. We’ve now been married for five years and have two kids.</p>		\n			<h3>How to tell if you’re with ‘the one’\n</h3>		\n		<p>Wo-woa-woah! Before you go breaking hearts, read this.</p><p>If you think you might be with ‘the one’ before the one, Abrahams recommends following these six tips...</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-widget-image{text-align:center}.elementor-widget-image a{display:inline-block}.elementor-widget-image a img[src$=\".svg\"]{width:48px}.elementor-widget-image img{vertical-align:middle;display:inline-block}</style>												<img width=\"59\" height=\"59\" src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/1.png\" alt=\"\" />															\n			<h3>Listen to yourself</h3>		\n		<p>“Imagine dropping a microphone inside your mind and turning the volume up to what your voice is really telling you. How happy are you? How unhappy are you? Is this too far away from what you thought the relationship would be like? How often do the niggles or even dread about the relationship appear?”</p><p>“Be honest with yourself. The voice in your head is your ego, and it can harm your couple relationship. Before making the decision to exit, just make sure that your ego is not the cause of your unhappiness.”</p>		\n															<img width=\"59\" height=\"59\" src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/2.png\" alt=\"\" />															\n			<h3>Understand the origins</h3>		\n		<p>How much of it is about your partner and your relationship? Abraham said we’re often shaped by previous relationships with parents and other experiences, which shape our expectations and beliefs.</p><p>“Some of these experiences remain unhealed or unresolved inside us, and we see the problem as emanating from our partner, not ourselves. This is linked to our ego. Our ego can cause us to project inadequacy onto our partner, and see their faults and limitations, whilst making ourselves faultless.”</p><p>“If you find any of this is familiar, get help from a therapist to sort this out before you decide to leave your partner. Your ego will remain unchecked, and the unhealed parts will seep into your next relationship. What we don’t know about ourselves can hurt us and our relationship.”</p>		\n															<img width=\"59\" height=\"59\" src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/3.png\" alt=\"\" />															\n			<h3>See it as a vehicle for development</h3>		\n		<p>“Think of this as a mirror to explore what this is in yourself. It’s as if our partner’s words, behaviour, or actions have tugged at a vulnerable or sensitive part of us. Be curious about this inside of yourself.”</p>		\n															<img width=\"59\" height=\"59\" src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/4.png\" alt=\"\" />															\n			<h3>Locate your fears</h3>		\n		<p>Fear can hold us in a relationship that we know isn’t quite right for us.</p><p>Whether it’s the fear of a breakup, fear of being alone, fear of feeling shame or humiliation of the relationship ‘failing’, Abrahams said to be honest with yourself and ask yourself if you can solve them another way.</p><p>“How much of your fear is a story of fear, as opposed to reality? It can be very helpful to speak to wise people you know in your community or seek help with a therapist to work through your fears and where they come from,” she advises.</p>		\n															<img width=\"59\" height=\"59\" src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/5.png\" alt=\"\" />															\n			<h3>Be aware of feeling like you’re not getting a return on your investment</h3>		\n		<p>According to Abrahams, many people will stay in the relationship purely because they want a return on their investment.</p><p>“We have put our heart and soul into making this work. We’ve invested financially, years of our lives, our minds, and our love, shared friends and family. We may believe that walking away doesn’t give us the return on our investment as we wanted.”</p><p>“This could be a future together, children, a family unit, a home, financial stability, or the extended family and friends we now have together. There can be much to lose that can hold us in our relationship.”</p>		\n															<img width=\"59\" height=\"59\" src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/6.png\" alt=\"\" />															\n			<h3>Don’t be afraid to disturb the status quo</h3>		\n		<p>“Many commit to ‘the one before the one’ anyway, as they decide to stay in the relationship rather than disturb the status quo. For many this is a calculation of pros and cons, weighing fears, and also their age and stage of life.”</p><p>“Some may be fine with this decision, yet others can’t fully reconcile this decision and create a fantasy of ‘the one’ they’d like to be with. This could be a figment of their imagination or someone at work or even online.”</p><p>Typically, Abrahams said this imaginary ‘one’ is different from their partner.</p><p>“Despite their decision to remain, they live with the gnawing feeling that they made a mistake by settling.”</p><p>Want to find out how your ego can impact your relationship? Abrahams has a free e-book available <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/service/how-our-ego-harms-couple-relationships/\"><strong>here</strong></a>.</p>','The Relationship Theory About ‘The One after THE ONE’ That Changes Everything',' Relationships can be TOUGH. And while things like cheating and trust issues are some very obvious red...','publish','closed','closed','','the-one-after-the-one','','','2022-10-17 02:18:10','2022-10-17 02:18:10','',0,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?post_type=case-study&#038;p=5105',0,'case-study','',0),(5106,3,'2022-08-26 09:15:05','2022-08-26 09:15:05','<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */<br />\r\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>\r\n<h1>Mamam!a</h1>\r\nArticle - source: Mamamia\r\n<h2>Why Your Relationship Feels Like A Struggle Right Now</h2>\r\n15 December 2021\r\n\r\nIf you’re in lockdown and you’re a pinkie nail away from absolutely LOSING YOUR S**T if your partner so much as BREATHES near you (ʘ‿ʘ) – you’re not alone, friend.\r\n\r\nThis is a safe space.\r\n\r\nThe last year or so has pulled a LEVEL TEN on relationships – and we’re not just talking about intimate partners. We’re talking about housemates, family members – the whole shebang.\r\n\r\n“Lockdowns have been brutal on relationships. Small issues can become big ones when you’re in close confines for months. It’s like being in a pressure cooker,” said psychotherapist and couples counsellor Lissy Abrahams.\r\n\r\n“It’s been very difficult, especially for those who have experienced financial difficulties and job insecurity. The daily grind has worn down many parents who have been juggling homeschooling young children with their work responsibilities.”\r\n\r\n“They might also have a child with special needs and a lot less access to support. Throw in the challenge of border restrictions, many struggle with being separated from family.”\r\n\r\nThere’s no denying that the added stress, enforced quality time and changes in our current day-to-day routines has had a massive impact on our relationships and how we communicate with each other. And it’s been a make-or-break situation for many couples.\r\n\r\n“All of these factors contribute to many of us struggling with anxiety, overwhelm, sadness, and even despair. Any of these can tip one or both partners over the edge. If there were any cracks in the relationship before Covid, the pressure from lockdown rips these cracks wide open.”\r\n\r\nHowever, it’s important to note that it’s not the same for everyone – some couples are  thriving .\r\n\r\n“On the flip side, lockdown has also had its benefits for some couples who say they have much more time together and enjoy working from home without being under the pump all the time.”\r\n\r\n“They may enjoy not continuously travelling overseas or interstate. They may enjoy the simplicity of being home and with their children and may have always sensed that the busy life that they have been living meant that they were missing greater connection with those under their roof.”\r\n\r\nAbrahams said that typically these kinds of couples are in a good position.\r\n\r\n“They have work security, can pay their rent, mortgages and household expenses without worry, their children may be older and mostly self-sufficient.”\r\n\r\nSo, with a large proportion of us still in some form of lockdown, we’ve asked Abrahams to share some of her pearls of wisdom when it comes to improving our relationships.\r\n\r\n<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */<br />\r\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style>\r\n<h3>Why your relationship is suffering right now</h3>\r\nAccording to Abrahams, there’s two common reasons why your relationship might be going a bit s**t lately: Poor communication and a lack of intimacy.\r\n\r\nLook, we’re not experts – but we’re fairly certain these things are pretty darn important. Right?\r\n\r\n“Many couples are fighting more frequently, being resentful about an uneven take up of household chores, and not feeling heard and understood,” said Abrahams.\r\n\r\n“This is hard work for couples under normal circumstances and can often lead to conflict. Lockdown adds more pressure on these relationships, making life exhausting and lonely. There is less resilience now than at the beginning of lockdowns.”\r\n\r\nWhen it comes to the intimacy side of things, don’t panic, though – it’s not just you. Abrahams said losing interest in being intimate with each other is another super common issue.\r\n\r\n“Many partners say they “can’t be bothered”, “don’t feel attractive”, or “can’t get in the mood”. Intimacy is a special glue in a relationship. Without it, partners experience loneliness and unhappiness, which can be a slippery slope towards separation and divorce,” she said.\r\n\r\nWhat’s more, a stale sex life can sometimes feel awkward AF to address – and a lot of people will tend to just push ahead because they feel like it’s too uncomfortable to discuss. Which is never a good thing, really.\r\n\r\n“Feeling emotionally and physically disconnected can lead to partners feeling fearful about their partner’s interest in them, irritation or frustration, and even anger. We don’t like feeling we are moving away from our partner or that they are moving away from us emotionally.”\r\n\r\nSo, just how common are we talking?\r\n\r\nAccording to Abrahams, current research on the pandemic and relationships is backing up what she’s seeing in her consulting room.\r\n\r\n“A recent study from Indiana University revealed that 34 per cent of participants have experienced increased conflict in their relationship and decreased intimacy since the start of the COVID-19 pandemic.”\r\n\r\nNo good.\r\n\r\n“This is a worrying figure, and they are linked. The more we fight, the less we want to be close to our partner. The less intimacy we share, the more damage to the relationship.”\r\n\r\nJust to be clear, this increased conflict can happen for a whole load of different reasons – it’s complex as heck.\r\n\r\n“Add partners who are not doing well and rely on alcohol or substances to “just get through the day”. Add to this the fears of business owners about the survival of their business or employees who worry how long their employer will keep them on.”\r\n\r\nWhatever affects one partner emotionally or financially, essentially impacts the other partner and their entire relationship, said Abrahams.\r\n\r\nThe good news is that there are some things you can do to fix it.\r\n<h3>How to stop fighting with your partner</h3>\r\nThe first and most important thing to do is to take time out. Abrahams said you both need to stop interacting for about 15 minutes and wait for your nervous system to calm down.\r\n\r\nEssentially, chill the f**k out for a couple of minutes.\r\n\r\n“No fight will ever be resolved unless we do this, as the part of the brain and body that is active during the fight-or-flight response is a different part of the brain used for working to solve the problem,” she explains.\r\n\r\n“That’s why it is critical to take time out. It will also help you to reconnect with a clearer mind so you can both try again with a more respectful approach.”\r\n\r\nAnother important thing to do is to try to understand the real reason why you’re fighting. Like, for real.\r\n\r\nAbrahams said many of us will get worked up about a topic, but that’s not the real reason we fight – there’s usually underlying, unresolved issues at the core of it.\r\n\r\n“For example, many couples fight about money, but behind this is always one partner who is feeling fear, pain or shame with their partner.”\r\n\r\nAnother example would be if our partner spends much more money than us – we can feel fearful of not having enough in the future, said Abrahams.\r\n\r\n“Our partner may experience us as shaming them or trying to control them. It is easy to fight with these emotions going on inside us.”\r\n<h3>Why understanding your ego is important</h3>\r\nWe’re not talking about the ego in terms of the whole ‘self-importance’ thing. Nah. We’re talking about the ego as part of your personality. Everyone has it. And it’s an integral trigger when it comes to responding to a threat or situation.\r\n\r\n“There are different definitions of what the ego is, however, essentially it is a part of our mind that is concerned with me, my experiences, my reflections and anything that’s mine. It is my personal framework or lens that I view the world through.”\r\n\r\n“We need our ego to get us out of bed and get dressed for work or to complete tasks or study. We are concerned with our image and identity, and success. We all need a certain amount of healthy ego strength to get on and put ourselves forward for new opportunities. This doesn’t mean the ego is bad. It’s normal.”\r\n\r\nAccording to Abrahams, nothing can kill a relationship quite like an ego – so it’s important to understand what it is and how it operates, and the feelings of fear and shame that it can produce. Because this alone can help prevent a helluva lot of damage.\r\n\r\n“The ego is the voice in our head that sounds like us. There is no physical structure called the ego, but it is linked to a part of the brain that tells stories about ourselves, others and situations. It likes to feel secure and safe, however it has no idea how to achieve this, and it can make us pretty miserable at times.”\r\n\r\n“It creates stories about ourselves and others and judges, blames, feels inferior or superior. It likes to bolster us when we feel low or shoot us down to feel even lower. Or it does all of this to our partner. It is always involved in couple conflict and sends us into fight-or-flight mode when we feel threatened.\r\n\r\nJust us, or does the ego kinda sounds like a… d**k?\r\n\r\n“Our ego likes to blame our partner when we believe they “made us feel” fearful, distressed or ashamed. We cannot imagine it came from anywhere else. We fight with them and let them know why they are inadequate as a partner, why they let us down and sometimes we shout this at them.”\r\n\r\nAs we mentioned before, if you know what your ego looks like when it’s being triggered, you can better recognise what’s going on and when it might be time to take a step back and cool down.\r\n\r\nIf you’re struggling to keep your ego in check, Abrahams recommends:\r\n\r\n<strong>1. Seeking therapy. </strong>\r\n\r\n“It is important we understand some of the experiences that caused us fear, pain or shame in childhood with our parents or caregivers. For many of us, these experiences were traumatic. Therapy will help us identify the triggers so they don’t ruin our lives, our relationships and family.”\r\n\r\n<strong>2. Taking an online course.</strong>\r\n\r\n“Online courses, like the one I have created, specifically help partners understand how their ego formed from their own experiences and how it impacts their life and relationship,” she said.\r\n\r\n<strong>3. Learning mindfulness and breathing techniques.</strong>\r\n\r\nAccording to Abrahams, practices like mindfulness or breathing techniques can help identify ego-based stories and help us calm down when triggered.\r\n<h3>How to improve communication</h3>\r\nUpping your communication is crucial. “Without respectful and skilful communication, we will have difficulty connecting with our partner. If this is prolonged, we may even damage our relationship,” said Abrahams.\r\n\r\nJust take a minute to think back to when you first met your partner and how… different things were when it came to being open and tolerating each other’s differences.\r\n\r\n“When we first met our partner, we listened and shared experiences both past and present, for hours on end. Over time and with increasing life demands and some complacency, we no longer offer them the same respect and generosity of spirit.”\r\n\r\n“We now struggle to really listen to them and them to us, we are not as curious about them anymore, and we don’t always like how they view the world. We can even shoot their opinions down as they feel too threatening to where we want to be in life.”\r\n\r\n“Communication is essential to have a healthy and connected relationship. I have seen many couples struggle with communication, and their intimacy has suffered. Communication does not improve by itself, and couples need to work together to make it better. If couples don’t attend to it, I believe the decay settles in.”\r\n\r\nIf you and your partner are having difficulties improving your communication, Abraham recommends seeing an experienced therapist for advice.\r\n\r\n“It is truly transformative and we can learn so much about ourselves and how we operate in our relationship. The benefits extend and often improve relationships with children, extended family, friends, and co-workers.\r\n\r\n“You can also access online courses to work through conflict and communication problems. Seek out resources from credible experts.”\r\n\r\nAbove all, Abrahams reminds us to be mindful that, even though they are “our partner”, that does not mean that we own them. Don’t get the two confused.\r\n\r\n“They are not an object, and we need to keep respect and care on the agenda. We need to stop trying to control our partner. We need to stop belittling or judging them or being angry or sulky with them.”\r\n\r\n“Relationships are conditional and if we destroy too many of the conditions holding us together, they can end. We never know if we are going to be part of the 33 percent of couples who divorce each year. No couple sets out to be.”\r\n\r\n“If we want a thriving and connected relationship, we need to do the work to understand our triggers and our conflict to bring health and joy back into our relationship.”\r\n\r\nIf you’re looking for help in improving your communication with your partner, Abrahams has a free e-book available <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/service/top-tips-for-improving-couple-communication/\"><strong>here</strong></a>.','The Relationship Theory About ‘The One after THE ONE’ That Changes Everything',' Relationships can be TOUGH. And while things like cheating and trust issues are some very obvious red...','inherit','closed','closed','','5105-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 09:15:05','2022-08-26 09:15:05','',5105,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5106',0,'revision','',0),(5107,3,'2022-08-26 09:24:30','2022-08-26 09:24:30','<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */<br />\r\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>\r\n<h1>Mamam!a</h1>\r\nArticle - source: Mamamia\r\n<h2>Why Your Relationship Feels Like A Struggle Right Now</h2>\r\n15 December 2021\r\n\r\nIf you’re in lockdown and you’re a pinkie nail away from absolutely LOSING YOUR S**T if your partner so much as BREATHES near you (ʘ‿ʘ) – you’re not alone, friend.\r\n\r\nThis is a safe space.\r\n\r\nThe last year or so has pulled a LEVEL TEN on relationships – and we’re not just talking about intimate partners. We’re talking about housemates, family members – the whole shebang.\r\n\r\n“Lockdowns have been brutal on relationships. Small issues can become big ones when you’re in close confines for months. It’s like being in a pressure cooker,” said psychotherapist and couples counsellor Lissy Abrahams.\r\n\r\n“It’s been very difficult, especially for those who have experienced financial difficulties and job insecurity. The daily grind has worn down many parents who have been juggling homeschooling young children with their work responsibilities.”\r\n\r\n“They might also have a child with special needs and a lot less access to support. Throw in the challenge of border restrictions, many struggle with being separated from family.”\r\n\r\nThere’s no denying that the added stress, enforced quality time and changes in our current day-to-day routines has had a massive impact on our relationships and how we communicate with each other. And it’s been a make-or-break situation for many couples.\r\n\r\n“All of these factors contribute to many of us struggling with anxiety, overwhelm, sadness, and even despair. Any of these can tip one or both partners over the edge. If there were any cracks in the relationship before Covid, the pressure from lockdown rips these cracks wide open.”\r\n\r\nHowever, it’s important to note that it’s not the same for everyone – some couples are  thriving .\r\n\r\n“On the flip side, lockdown has also had its benefits for some couples who say they have much more time together and enjoy working from home without being under the pump all the time.”\r\n\r\n“They may enjoy not continuously travelling overseas or interstate. They may enjoy the simplicity of being home and with their children and may have always sensed that the busy life that they have been living meant that they were missing greater connection with those under their roof.”\r\n\r\nAbrahams said that typically these kinds of couples are in a good position.\r\n\r\n“They have work security, can pay their rent, mortgages and household expenses without worry, their children may be older and mostly self-sufficient.”\r\n\r\nSo, with a large proportion of us still in some form of lockdown, we’ve asked Abrahams to share some of her pearls of wisdom when it comes to improving our relationships.\r\n\r\n<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */<br />\r\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style>\r\n<h3>Why your relationship is suffering right now</h3>\r\nAccording to Abrahams, there’s two common reasons why your relationship might be going a bit s**t lately: Poor communication and a lack of intimacy.\r\n\r\nLook, we’re not experts – but we’re fairly certain these things are pretty darn important. Right?\r\n\r\n“Many couples are fighting more frequently, being resentful about an uneven take up of household chores, and not feeling heard and understood,” said Abrahams.\r\n\r\n“This is hard work for couples under normal circumstances and can often lead to conflict. Lockdown adds more pressure on these relationships, making life exhausting and lonely. There is less resilience now than at the beginning of lockdowns.”\r\n\r\nWhen it comes to the intimacy side of things, don’t panic, though – it’s not just you. Abrahams said losing interest in being intimate with each other is another super common issue.\r\n\r\n“Many partners say they “can’t be bothered”, “don’t feel attractive”, or “can’t get in the mood”. Intimacy is a special glue in a relationship. Without it, partners experience loneliness and unhappiness, which can be a slippery slope towards separation and divorce,” she said.\r\n\r\nWhat’s more, a stale sex life can sometimes feel awkward AF to address – and a lot of people will tend to just push ahead because they feel like it’s too uncomfortable to discuss. Which is never a good thing, really.\r\n\r\n“Feeling emotionally and physically disconnected can lead to partners feeling fearful about their partner’s interest in them, irritation or frustration, and even anger. We don’t like feeling we are moving away from our partner or that they are moving away from us emotionally.”\r\n\r\nSo, just how common are we talking?\r\n\r\nAccording to Abrahams, current research on the pandemic and relationships is backing up what she’s seeing in her consulting room.\r\n\r\n“A recent study from Indiana University revealed that 34 per cent of participants have experienced increased conflict in their relationship and decreased intimacy since the start of the COVID-19 pandemic.”\r\n\r\nNo good.\r\n\r\n“This is a worrying figure, and they are linked. The more we fight, the less we want to be close to our partner. The less intimacy we share, the more damage to the relationship.”\r\n\r\nJust to be clear, this increased conflict can happen for a whole load of different reasons – it’s complex as heck.\r\n\r\n“Add partners who are not doing well and rely on alcohol or substances to “just get through the day”. Add to this the fears of business owners about the survival of their business or employees who worry how long their employer will keep them on.”\r\n\r\nWhatever affects one partner emotionally or financially, essentially impacts the other partner and their entire relationship, said Abrahams.\r\n\r\nThe good news is that there are some things you can do to fix it.\r\n<h3>How to stop fighting with your partner</h3>\r\nThe first and most important thing to do is to take time out. Abrahams said you both need to stop interacting for about 15 minutes and wait for your nervous system to calm down.\r\n\r\nEssentially, chill the f**k out for a couple of minutes.\r\n\r\n“No fight will ever be resolved unless we do this, as the part of the brain and body that is active during the fight-or-flight response is a different part of the brain used for working to solve the problem,” she explains.\r\n\r\n“That’s why it is critical to take time out. It will also help you to reconnect with a clearer mind so you can both try again with a more respectful approach.”\r\n\r\nAnother important thing to do is to try to understand the real reason why you’re fighting. Like, for real.\r\n\r\nAbrahams said many of us will get worked up about a topic, but that’s not the real reason we fight – there’s usually underlying, unresolved issues at the core of it.\r\n\r\n“For example, many couples fight about money, but behind this is always one partner who is feeling fear, pain or shame with their partner.”\r\n\r\nAnother example would be if our partner spends much more money than us – we can feel fearful of not having enough in the future, said Abrahams.\r\n\r\n“Our partner may experience us as shaming them or trying to control them. It is easy to fight with these emotions going on inside us.”\r\n<h3>Why understanding your ego is important</h3>\r\nWe’re not talking about the ego in terms of the whole ‘self-importance’ thing. Nah. We’re talking about the ego as part of your personality. Everyone has it. And it’s an integral trigger when it comes to responding to a threat or situation.\r\n\r\n“There are different definitions of what the ego is, however, essentially it is a part of our mind that is concerned with me, my experiences, my reflections and anything that’s mine. It is my personal framework or lens that I view the world through.”\r\n\r\n“We need our ego to get us out of bed and get dressed for work or to complete tasks or study. We are concerned with our image and identity, and success. We all need a certain amount of healthy ego strength to get on and put ourselves forward for new opportunities. This doesn’t mean the ego is bad. It’s normal.”\r\n\r\nAccording to Abrahams, nothing can kill a relationship quite like an ego – so it’s important to understand what it is and how it operates, and the feelings of fear and shame that it can produce. Because this alone can help prevent a helluva lot of damage.\r\n\r\n“The ego is the voice in our head that sounds like us. There is no physical structure called the ego, but it is linked to a part of the brain that tells stories about ourselves, others and situations. It likes to feel secure and safe, however it has no idea how to achieve this, and it can make us pretty miserable at times.”\r\n\r\n“It creates stories about ourselves and others and judges, blames, feels inferior or superior. It likes to bolster us when we feel low or shoot us down to feel even lower. Or it does all of this to our partner. It is always involved in couple conflict and sends us into fight-or-flight mode when we feel threatened.\r\n\r\nJust us, or does the ego kinda sounds like a… d**k?\r\n\r\n“Our ego likes to blame our partner when we believe they “made us feel” fearful, distressed or ashamed. We cannot imagine it came from anywhere else. We fight with them and let them know why they are inadequate as a partner, why they let us down and sometimes we shout this at them.”\r\n\r\nAs we mentioned before, if you know what your ego looks like when it’s being triggered, you can better recognise what’s going on and when it might be time to take a step back and cool down.\r\n\r\nIf you’re struggling to keep your ego in check, Abrahams recommends:\r\n\r\n<strong>1. Seeking therapy. </strong>\r\n\r\n“It is important we understand some of the experiences that caused us fear, pain or shame in childhood with our parents or caregivers. For many of us, these experiences were traumatic. Therapy will help us identify the triggers so they don’t ruin our lives, our relationships and family.”\r\n\r\n<strong>2. Taking an online course.</strong>\r\n\r\n“Online courses, like the one I have created, specifically help partners understand how their ego formed from their own experiences and how it impacts their life and relationship,” she said.\r\n\r\n<strong>3. Learning mindfulness and breathing techniques.</strong>\r\n\r\nAccording to Abrahams, practices like mindfulness or breathing techniques can help identify ego-based stories and help us calm down when triggered.\r\n<h3>How to improve communication</h3>\r\nUpping your communication is crucial. “Without respectful and skilful communication, we will have difficulty connecting with our partner. If this is prolonged, we may even damage our relationship,” said Abrahams.\r\n\r\nJust take a minute to think back to when you first met your partner and how… different things were when it came to being open and tolerating each other’s differences.\r\n\r\n“When we first met our partner, we listened and shared experiences both past and present, for hours on end. Over time and with increasing life demands and some complacency, we no longer offer them the same respect and generosity of spirit.”\r\n\r\n“We now struggle to really listen to them and them to us, we are not as curious about them anymore, and we don’t always like how they view the world. We can even shoot their opinions down as they feel too threatening to where we want to be in life.”\r\n\r\n“Communication is essential to have a healthy and connected relationship. I have seen many couples struggle with communication, and their intimacy has suffered. Communication does not improve by itself, and couples need to work together to make it better. If couples don’t attend to it, I believe the decay settles in.”\r\n\r\nIf you and your partner are having difficulties improving your communication, Abraham recommends seeing an experienced therapist for advice.\r\n\r\n“It is truly transformative and we can learn so much about ourselves and how we operate in our relationship. The benefits extend and often improve relationships with children, extended family, friends, and co-workers.\r\n\r\n“You can also access online courses to work through conflict and communication problems. Seek out resources from credible experts.”\r\n\r\nAbove all, Abrahams reminds us to be mindful that, even though they are “our partner”, that does not mean that we own them. Don’t get the two confused.\r\n\r\n“They are not an object, and we need to keep respect and care on the agenda. We need to stop trying to control our partner. We need to stop belittling or judging them or being angry or sulky with them.”\r\n\r\n“Relationships are conditional and if we destroy too many of the conditions holding us together, they can end. We never know if we are going to be part of the 33 percent of couples who divorce each year. No couple sets out to be.”\r\n\r\n“If we want a thriving and connected relationship, we need to do the work to understand our triggers and our conflict to bring health and joy back into our relationship.”\r\n\r\nIf you’re looking for help in improving your communication with your partner, Abrahams has a free e-book available <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/service/top-tips-for-improving-couple-communication/\"><strong>here</strong></a>.','The Relationship Theory About ‘The One after THE ONE’ That Changes Everything',' Relationships can be TOUGH. And while things like cheating and trust issues are some very obvious red...','inherit','closed','closed','','5105-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 09:24:30','2022-08-26 09:24:30','',5105,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5107',0,'revision','',0),(5108,3,'2022-08-26 09:24:30','2022-08-26 09:24:30','<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */<br />\r\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>\r\n<h1>Mamam!a</h1>\r\nArticle - source: Mamamia\r\n<h2>Why Your Relationship Feels Like A Struggle Right Now</h2>\r\n15 December 2021\r\n\r\nIf you’re in lockdown and you’re a pinkie nail away from absolutely LOSING YOUR S**T if your partner so much as BREATHES near you (ʘ‿ʘ) – you’re not alone, friend.\r\n\r\nThis is a safe space.\r\n\r\nThe last year or so has pulled a LEVEL TEN on relationships – and we’re not just talking about intimate partners. We’re talking about housemates, family members – the whole shebang.\r\n\r\n“Lockdowns have been brutal on relationships. Small issues can become big ones when you’re in close confines for months. It’s like being in a pressure cooker,” said psychotherapist and couples counsellor Lissy Abrahams.\r\n\r\n“It’s been very difficult, especially for those who have experienced financial difficulties and job insecurity. The daily grind has worn down many parents who have been juggling homeschooling young children with their work responsibilities.”\r\n\r\n“They might also have a child with special needs and a lot less access to support. Throw in the challenge of border restrictions, many struggle with being separated from family.”\r\n\r\nThere’s no denying that the added stress, enforced quality time and changes in our current day-to-day routines has had a massive impact on our relationships and how we communicate with each other. And it’s been a make-or-break situation for many couples.\r\n\r\n“All of these factors contribute to many of us struggling with anxiety, overwhelm, sadness, and even despair. Any of these can tip one or both partners over the edge. If there were any cracks in the relationship before Covid, the pressure from lockdown rips these cracks wide open.”\r\n\r\nHowever, it’s important to note that it’s not the same for everyone – some couples are  thriving .\r\n\r\n“On the flip side, lockdown has also had its benefits for some couples who say they have much more time together and enjoy working from home without being under the pump all the time.”\r\n\r\n“They may enjoy not continuously travelling overseas or interstate. They may enjoy the simplicity of being home and with their children and may have always sensed that the busy life that they have been living meant that they were missing greater connection with those under their roof.”\r\n\r\nAbrahams said that typically these kinds of couples are in a good position.\r\n\r\n“They have work security, can pay their rent, mortgages and household expenses without worry, their children may be older and mostly self-sufficient.”\r\n\r\nSo, with a large proportion of us still in some form of lockdown, we’ve asked Abrahams to share some of her pearls of wisdom when it comes to improving our relationships.\r\n\r\n<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */<br />\r\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style>\r\n<h3>Why your relationship is suffering right now</h3>\r\nAccording to Abrahams, there’s two common reasons why your relationship might be going a bit s**t lately: Poor communication and a lack of intimacy.\r\n\r\nLook, we’re not experts – but we’re fairly certain these things are pretty darn important. Right?\r\n\r\n“Many couples are fighting more frequently, being resentful about an uneven take up of household chores, and not feeling heard and understood,” said Abrahams.\r\n\r\n“This is hard work for couples under normal circumstances and can often lead to conflict. Lockdown adds more pressure on these relationships, making life exhausting and lonely. There is less resilience now than at the beginning of lockdowns.”\r\n\r\nWhen it comes to the intimacy side of things, don’t panic, though – it’s not just you. Abrahams said losing interest in being intimate with each other is another super common issue.\r\n\r\n“Many partners say they “can’t be bothered”, “don’t feel attractive”, or “can’t get in the mood”. Intimacy is a special glue in a relationship. Without it, partners experience loneliness and unhappiness, which can be a slippery slope towards separation and divorce,” she said.\r\n\r\nWhat’s more, a stale sex life can sometimes feel awkward AF to address – and a lot of people will tend to just push ahead because they feel like it’s too uncomfortable to discuss. Which is never a good thing, really.\r\n\r\n“Feeling emotionally and physically disconnected can lead to partners feeling fearful about their partner’s interest in them, irritation or frustration, and even anger. We don’t like feeling we are moving away from our partner or that they are moving away from us emotionally.”\r\n\r\nSo, just how common are we talking?\r\n\r\nAccording to Abrahams, current research on the pandemic and relationships is backing up what she’s seeing in her consulting room.\r\n\r\n“A recent study from Indiana University revealed that 34 per cent of participants have experienced increased conflict in their relationship and decreased intimacy since the start of the COVID-19 pandemic.”\r\n\r\nNo good.\r\n\r\n“This is a worrying figure, and they are linked. The more we fight, the less we want to be close to our partner. The less intimacy we share, the more damage to the relationship.”\r\n\r\nJust to be clear, this increased conflict can happen for a whole load of different reasons – it’s complex as heck.\r\n\r\n“Add partners who are not doing well and rely on alcohol or substances to “just get through the day”. Add to this the fears of business owners about the survival of their business or employees who worry how long their employer will keep them on.”\r\n\r\nWhatever affects one partner emotionally or financially, essentially impacts the other partner and their entire relationship, said Abrahams.\r\n\r\nThe good news is that there are some things you can do to fix it.\r\n<h3>How to stop fighting with your partner</h3>\r\nThe first and most important thing to do is to take time out. Abrahams said you both need to stop interacting for about 15 minutes and wait for your nervous system to calm down.\r\n\r\nEssentially, chill the f**k out for a couple of minutes.\r\n\r\n“No fight will ever be resolved unless we do this, as the part of the brain and body that is active during the fight-or-flight response is a different part of the brain used for working to solve the problem,” she explains.\r\n\r\n“That’s why it is critical to take time out. It will also help you to reconnect with a clearer mind so you can both try again with a more respectful approach.”\r\n\r\nAnother important thing to do is to try to understand the real reason why you’re fighting. Like, for real.\r\n\r\nAbrahams said many of us will get worked up about a topic, but that’s not the real reason we fight – there’s usually underlying, unresolved issues at the core of it.\r\n\r\n“For example, many couples fight about money, but behind this is always one partner who is feeling fear, pain or shame with their partner.”\r\n\r\nAnother example would be if our partner spends much more money than us – we can feel fearful of not having enough in the future, said Abrahams.\r\n\r\n“Our partner may experience us as shaming them or trying to control them. It is easy to fight with these emotions going on inside us.”\r\n<h3>Why understanding your ego is important</h3>\r\nWe’re not talking about the ego in terms of the whole ‘self-importance’ thing. Nah. We’re talking about the ego as part of your personality. Everyone has it. And it’s an integral trigger when it comes to responding to a threat or situation.\r\n\r\n“There are different definitions of what the ego is, however, essentially it is a part of our mind that is concerned with me, my experiences, my reflections and anything that’s mine. It is my personal framework or lens that I view the world through.”\r\n\r\n“We need our ego to get us out of bed and get dressed for work or to complete tasks or study. We are concerned with our image and identity, and success. We all need a certain amount of healthy ego strength to get on and put ourselves forward for new opportunities. This doesn’t mean the ego is bad. It’s normal.”\r\n\r\nAccording to Abrahams, nothing can kill a relationship quite like an ego – so it’s important to understand what it is and how it operates, and the feelings of fear and shame that it can produce. Because this alone can help prevent a helluva lot of damage.\r\n\r\n“The ego is the voice in our head that sounds like us. There is no physical structure called the ego, but it is linked to a part of the brain that tells stories about ourselves, others and situations. It likes to feel secure and safe, however it has no idea how to achieve this, and it can make us pretty miserable at times.”\r\n\r\n“It creates stories about ourselves and others and judges, blames, feels inferior or superior. It likes to bolster us when we feel low or shoot us down to feel even lower. Or it does all of this to our partner. It is always involved in couple conflict and sends us into fight-or-flight mode when we feel threatened.\r\n\r\nJust us, or does the ego kinda sounds like a… d**k?\r\n\r\n“Our ego likes to blame our partner when we believe they “made us feel” fearful, distressed or ashamed. We cannot imagine it came from anywhere else. We fight with them and let them know why they are inadequate as a partner, why they let us down and sometimes we shout this at them.”\r\n\r\nAs we mentioned before, if you know what your ego looks like when it’s being triggered, you can better recognise what’s going on and when it might be time to take a step back and cool down.\r\n\r\nIf you’re struggling to keep your ego in check, Abrahams recommends:\r\n\r\n<strong>1. Seeking therapy. </strong>\r\n\r\n“It is important we understand some of the experiences that caused us fear, pain or shame in childhood with our parents or caregivers. For many of us, these experiences were traumatic. Therapy will help us identify the triggers so they don’t ruin our lives, our relationships and family.”\r\n\r\n<strong>2. Taking an online course.</strong>\r\n\r\n“Online courses, like the one I have created, specifically help partners understand how their ego formed from their own experiences and how it impacts their life and relationship,” she said.\r\n\r\n<strong>3. Learning mindfulness and breathing techniques.</strong>\r\n\r\nAccording to Abrahams, practices like mindfulness or breathing techniques can help identify ego-based stories and help us calm down when triggered.\r\n<h3>How to improve communication</h3>\r\nUpping your communication is crucial. “Without respectful and skilful communication, we will have difficulty connecting with our partner. If this is prolonged, we may even damage our relationship,” said Abrahams.\r\n\r\nJust take a minute to think back to when you first met your partner and how… different things were when it came to being open and tolerating each other’s differences.\r\n\r\n“When we first met our partner, we listened and shared experiences both past and present, for hours on end. Over time and with increasing life demands and some complacency, we no longer offer them the same respect and generosity of spirit.”\r\n\r\n“We now struggle to really listen to them and them to us, we are not as curious about them anymore, and we don’t always like how they view the world. We can even shoot their opinions down as they feel too threatening to where we want to be in life.”\r\n\r\n“Communication is essential to have a healthy and connected relationship. I have seen many couples struggle with communication, and their intimacy has suffered. Communication does not improve by itself, and couples need to work together to make it better. If couples don’t attend to it, I believe the decay settles in.”\r\n\r\nIf you and your partner are having difficulties improving your communication, Abraham recommends seeing an experienced therapist for advice.\r\n\r\n“It is truly transformative and we can learn so much about ourselves and how we operate in our relationship. The benefits extend and often improve relationships with children, extended family, friends, and co-workers.\r\n\r\n“You can also access online courses to work through conflict and communication problems. Seek out resources from credible experts.”\r\n\r\nAbove all, Abrahams reminds us to be mindful that, even though they are “our partner”, that does not mean that we own them. Don’t get the two confused.\r\n\r\n“They are not an object, and we need to keep respect and care on the agenda. We need to stop trying to control our partner. We need to stop belittling or judging them or being angry or sulky with them.”\r\n\r\n“Relationships are conditional and if we destroy too many of the conditions holding us together, they can end. We never know if we are going to be part of the 33 percent of couples who divorce each year. No couple sets out to be.”\r\n\r\n“If we want a thriving and connected relationship, we need to do the work to understand our triggers and our conflict to bring health and joy back into our relationship.”\r\n\r\nIf you’re looking for help in improving your communication with your partner, Abrahams has a free e-book available <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/service/top-tips-for-improving-couple-communication/\"><strong>here</strong></a>.','The Relationship Theory About ‘The One after THE ONE’ That Changes Everything',' Relationships can be TOUGH. And while things like cheating and trust issues are some very obvious red...','inherit','closed','closed','','5105-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 09:24:30','2022-08-26 09:24:30','',5105,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5108',0,'revision','',0),(5109,3,'2022-08-26 09:24:31','2022-08-26 09:24:31','<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>		\n            <h1>\n                Mamam!a            \n        </h1>\n            Article - source: Mamamia        \n            <h2>\n                The Relationship Theory About ‘The One after THE ONE’ That Changes Everything            \n        </h2>\n            26 November 2021        \n		<p>You don’t have to be a fan of <em>Keeping Up With The Kardashians </em>to know all about Kourtney Kardashian’s recent engagement to Travis Barker. It’s EVERYWHERE. Mostly because everyone was convinced she would FINALLY end up with Scott Disick.</p><p>ICYMI (where have you been?), the pair shared a rocky as hell relationship for years, and have three kids together.</p><p>She was single; he was single – eventually they would get back together and work it all out. No?</p><p>Instead, the eldest Kardashian left the back-and-forth relationship with Disick and found Barker – to whom she is now engaged.</p><p>And according to experts, this kind of roadmap is actually quite common in relationships.</p><p>Couples counsellor Lissy Abrahams said that these days we’re becoming more aware than ever of what we want (and expect) from a relationship.</p><p>“The ‘one after the one’ occurs when we believed that we were with the person we’d spend the rest of our lives with, and made a declaration to ourselves, our partner, and others,” explains Abrahams.</p><p>“Over time, we realised that they’re not actually ‘the one’. A separation occurs, and then we meet someone else, who we now declare is ‘the one’.”</p><p>By tapping into how we feel with our partner, and being aware of the emotional experiences we want to have in our relationship, Abrahams said this means we are less likely to stay with what doesn’t actually feel right enough.</p><p>“Many of us work hard to get the relationship on track and we take our commitment seriously, however, if it isn’t working to meet enough of our needs, we’re more able to let it go these days instead of settling.”</p><p>But in order to understand the different factors underlying the one after ‘the one’, we need to first understand why we create ‘the one’ in the first place.</p><p>According to Abrahams, most people create a ‘specialness fantasy’ about their prospective partner at the beginning of their relationship – and it’s during this time that we tend to offer up the best of ourselves.</p><p>“We are considerate, well-groomed, interesting, intelligent, and funny. We want them to view us positively and to continue to find us special. We do our best so they consider us worthy of being their ‘one’,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“When we have an inkling that we may be with ‘the one’ we often assess their qualities rather glowingly. However, we also ignore, dismiss, or downplay information that may not quite fit with the narrative of our prospective partner’s wonderfulness and specialness.”</p><p>“We both do this as we want to get this relationship over the line. The whole future of the relationship depends on this, as no one wants to commit to a ‘normal’ or ‘ordinary’ relationship.”</p><p>INTERESTING.</p><p>Abrahams said that often the ‘specialness fantasy’ fades, allowing you to become more aware of the emotional experiences that might be lacking.</p><p>“We thought the lingering looks, acrobatic sex, and interesting discussions would last longer. The life we thought we’d have together isn’t quite transpiring. We may feel bored, unseen, undesirable. We may sometimes feel some niggles, or even dread. And these may be communicated to our partner via resentment or criticism.”</p><p>When this happens, people will then usually end their relationship because it isn’t honouring what is most important to them in a committed relationship.</p><p>“Then we meet someone else, and they become special in our eyes. We create another specialness fantasy as, once again, we don’t want to commit to someone ordinary and we need to create long-term care and safety with them.”</p><p>Once we’re able to find if we’re in a healthy, reliable relationship with this person, Abraham said we are able to “commit to ‘the one after the one’.”</p><p>So, does this mean we need to experience relationships that don’t work for us to understand what we actually want and desire?</p><p>Here, we asked three women who ended up with the one after ‘the one’ to share their stories.</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h3>Lana</h3>		\n		<p>“After years of casual dating through the apps, I met *Ezra in broad daylight in person, which at the time I put down to “fate”. He played me hot and cold for months, keeping me at arm’s length then love bombing me, and I was addicted to the drama of it.</p><p>He brought out a side of me that made me passionate and furious and desperate for his love, and I honestly thought he was the one for me because love meant you had to struggle this hard, and in the end, they would be worth it – I’d have earned him. This kind of love was supposed to be fiery and addictive, right? I thought he was like the unavailable “Big” to my “Carrie” and we were destined to keep doing this until we settled down.</p><p>He kept saying we were supposed to be together and that he loved me more than any woman he’d ever dated; that I was different and together we were different – he would stop with his previous behaviour and be better for me.</p><p>I eventually discovered that he’d cheated on me with multiple women and cut all ties with him, which was so painful at first, mostly because it was losing something I’d worked so hard for… but ultimately really empowering, even all these years later. Only a month after that I jumped back on the [dating] apps and met *Joel.</p><p>In Joel’s company I was the opposite of what I was with Ezra – calm and at ease, confident with myself rather than anxious about not being a version of me he wanted. Everything was effortless. I never had to question his feelings, or that we were doing this “at the right time” for either of us. After a month we said “I love you” (and meant it), and within a year we were engaged.</p>		\n			<h3>Emma</h3>		\n		<p>I’m engaged, and my fiance was definitely the one after who I thought was the one! I dated this guy all the way through high school and uni – we made it to my final year, doing the long-distance thing and travelling between each other’s universities (which were on opposite sides of England) every couple of weeks.</p><p>We were together until I was 21 when I found out he’d been cheating on me the whole time (I would now not recommend long-distance university relationships!). We broke up, I graduated, moved in with my parents for a bit then relocated to London to get a job.</p><p>I moved into a flat with four strangers and eventually ended up going out with one of the guys! We moved into a flat of our own in London, moved to Sydney together in 2017, got engaged in the middle of COVID at the end of last year and (as long as the world stops going mad) will now be getting married in July 2023.</p>		\n			<h3>Yvette</h3>		\n		<p>Luke and I started dating when we were in high school – he was my first ‘proper’ boyfriend. We shared a lot of the same friends, and after school, we remained in quite a tight-knit group. We dated for almost 10 years before I realised it was no longer the relationship for me.</p><p>He really wanted to settle down, and for me – it just didn’t feel right. I was still young and wanted to have fun. We went on a break and ended up going our separate ways – which was hard as we would often still see each other at group events.</p><p>I ended up meeting Aaron a few months after we broke up – and it just felt really right. For me, he was definitely the one after ‘the one’. Within a year, we had a baby and got engaged – it all just happened so naturally, and everything kind of fell into place. We’ve now been married for five years and have two kids.</p>		\n			<h3>How to tell if you’re with ‘the one’\n</h3>		\n		<p>Wo-woa-woah! Before you go breaking hearts, read this.</p><p>If you think you might be with ‘the one’ before the one, Abrahams recommends following these six tips...</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-widget-image{text-align:center}.elementor-widget-image a{display:inline-block}.elementor-widget-image a img[src$=\".svg\"]{width:48px}.elementor-widget-image img{vertical-align:middle;display:inline-block}</style>												<img width=\"59\" height=\"59\" src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/1.png\" alt=\"\" />															\n			<h3>Listen to yourself</h3>		\n		<p>“Imagine dropping a microphone inside your mind and turning the volume up to what your voice is really telling you. How happy are you? How unhappy are you? Is this too far away from what you thought the relationship would be like? How often do the niggles or even dread about the relationship appear?”</p><p>“Be honest with yourself. The voice in your head is your ego, and it can harm your couple relationship. Before making the decision to exit, just make sure that your ego is not the cause of your unhappiness.”</p>		\n															<img width=\"59\" height=\"59\" src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/2.png\" alt=\"\" />															\n			<h3>Understand the origins</h3>		\n		<p>How much of it is about your partner and your relationship? Abraham said we’re often shaped by previous relationships with parents and other experiences, which shape our expectations and beliefs.</p><p>“Some of these experiences remain unhealed or unresolved inside us, and we see the problem as emanating from our partner, not ourselves. This is linked to our ego. Our ego can cause us to project inadequacy onto our partner, and see their faults and limitations, whilst making ourselves faultless.”</p><p>“If you find any of this is familiar, get help from a therapist to sort this out before you decide to leave your partner. Your ego will remain unchecked, and the unhealed parts will seep into your next relationship. What we don’t know about ourselves can hurt us and our relationship.”</p>		\n															<img width=\"59\" height=\"59\" src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/3.png\" alt=\"\" />															\n			<h3>See it as a vehicle for development</h3>		\n		<p>“Think of this as a mirror to explore what this is in yourself. It’s as if our partner’s words, behaviour, or actions have tugged at a vulnerable or sensitive part of us. Be curious about this inside of yourself.”</p>		\n															<img width=\"59\" height=\"59\" src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/4.png\" alt=\"\" />															\n			<h3>Locate your fears</h3>		\n		<p>Fear can hold us in a relationship that we know isn’t quite right for us.</p><p>Whether it’s the fear of a breakup, fear of being alone, fear of feeling shame or humiliation of the relationship ‘failing’, Abrahams said to be honest with yourself and ask yourself if you can solve them another way.</p><p>“How much of your fear is a story of fear, as opposed to reality? It can be very helpful to speak to wise people you know in your community or seek help with a therapist to work through your fears and where they come from,” she advises.</p>		\n															<img width=\"59\" height=\"59\" src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/5.png\" alt=\"\" />															\n			<h3>Be aware of feeling like you’re not getting a return on your investment</h3>		\n		<p>According to Abrahams, many people will stay in the relationship purely because they want a return on their investment.</p><p>“We have put our heart and soul into making this work. We’ve invested financially, years of our lives, our minds, and our love, shared friends and family. We may believe that walking away doesn’t give us the return on our investment as we wanted.”</p><p>“This could be a future together, children, a family unit, a home, financial stability, or the extended family and friends we now have together. There can be much to lose that can hold us in our relationship.”</p>		\n															<img width=\"59\" height=\"59\" src=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/6.png\" alt=\"\" />															\n			<h3>Don’t be afraid to disturb the status quo</h3>		\n		<p>“Many commit to ‘the one before the one’ anyway, as they decide to stay in the relationship rather than disturb the status quo. For many this is a calculation of pros and cons, weighing fears, and also their age and stage of life.”</p><p>“Some may be fine with this decision, yet others can’t fully reconcile this decision and create a fantasy of ‘the one’ they’d like to be with. This could be a figment of their imagination or someone at work or even online.”</p><p>Typically, Abrahams said this imaginary ‘one’ is different from their partner.</p><p>“Despite their decision to remain, they live with the gnawing feeling that they made a mistake by settling.”</p><p>Want to find out how your ego can impact your relationship? Abrahams has a free e-book available <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/service/how-our-ego-harms-couple-relationships/\"><strong>here</strong></a>.</p>','The Relationship Theory About ‘The One after THE ONE’ That Changes Everything',' Relationships can be TOUGH. And while things like cheating and trust issues are some very obvious red...','inherit','closed','closed','','5105-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 09:24:31','2022-08-26 09:24:31','',5105,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5109',0,'revision','',0),(5112,3,'2022-08-26 09:29:18','2022-08-26 09:29:18','<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */<br />\r\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>\r\n<h1>Mamam!a</h1>\r\nArticle - source: Mamamia\r\n<h2>\"It’s just too much pressure\": 4 relationship \'expectations\' you need to ditch immediately</h2>\r\n17 July 2022\r\n\r\nWhen it comes to thinking about what kind of partner you want in your life, it\'s common to have a few non-negotiables on the list.\r\n\r\nWhether it\'s thinking there should always be a romantic \'spark\', avoiding conflict or expecting a certain amount of sex - everyone has a different set of deal breakers when they\'re dating.\r\n\r\nWatch: Here are some of the biggest relationship red flags you need to look out for.\r\n\r\nBut while everyone\'s expectations of a healthy relationship might be a little different, and it\'s normal for yours to be different from your partner\'s, how do we know if we’re asking too much from the person we\'re dating?\r\n\r\nIn fact, how do we develop all of these expectations in the first place?\r\n\r\nWell, apparently it\'s ingrained in us throughout our childhood.\r\n\r\nCouples counsellor Lissy Abrahams said that when we\'re children, we form our own unique \"relational template\", and later this can alter across adulthood due to other couple relationships.\r\n\r\n\"These were shaped by our parents, extended family, our culture, religion, film and television, teachers, friends and not friends, governments, celebrities, and more. We didn’t form expectations from nowhere,\" she said.\r\n\r\n\"They’ve been shaped inside us, and we often take them to be a fact – that is, how partners should and shouldn’t behave and feel in a couple relationship. So many of the expectations are formed around safety. Divorce has meant that we now fear losing our partner more than at any other time in history.\"\r\n\r\nAnd while some of these expectations might be helpful to the health of your relationship, forever focusing on the \'dos\' and \'don\'ts\' and where your relationship \'should\' be going and where it \'shouldn\'t\', might be a hindrance.\r\n\r\nAnd when you\'re happy in love, it can be pretty hard to miss these signs.\r\n\r\nSo, that\'s why we\'ve brought in our expert.\r\n\r\nHere, Abrahams tells us some of the biggest unrealistic relationship expectations we need to ditch, immediately.\r\n\r\n<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */<br />\r\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style>\r\n<h3>1. That your partner needs to be your everything</h3>\r\nAccording to our expert, this one is a fairly new belief. And it\'s actually more damaging than you might think.\r\n\r\n\"It’s only in the more recent decades that we have this notion,\" said Abrahams.\r\n\r\n\"We expect a soulmate, a lover, a confidante, a therapist, [someone with whom to] raise children and be a great parent to our children,\" said Abrahams.\r\n\r\n\"That they are amazingly attentive to us, work hard, manage a household, buy us lovely presents on special occasions, navigate the gap in our love languages, make us happy, financially have our back, help us buy a home, are great with our family and friends and so much more.\"\r\n\r\nAnyone else exhausted just reading that?!\r\n\r\nBut apparently, according to Abrahams, these are the sort of things we have ended up expecting from our partner over the decades, and we can often feel a sense of betrayal or distress when they fall short.\r\n\r\nThese days, our expectations of what makes a relationship \'healthy\' and how things should be is quite different to what they were years ago. And they can actually sabotage our connection with someone before they make them better.\r\n\r\n\"Partnerships of the past were often defined by a marriage, yet the expectations were nothing like they are today. They were both a property and a reproduction arrangement. Love was not part of the pact,\" explains Abrahams.\r\n\r\n\"Friendship wasn\'t even necessary. If they experienced love or friendship, it was a bonus, yet never a prerequisite. Partners had their respective gender roles and love was often sought out elsewhere and didn’t typically destabilise the unit.\"\r\n\r\nObviously times have changed, but with it we\'ve developed high and often unreasonable expectations in order to form what we think is a well-rounded partnership.\r\n\r\n\"Expectations grew over time as people moved to cities, away from family. We were no longer having a village meet our needs and now turned to our spouse to meet these. Then women became more educated, joined the workforce and became more independent.\"\r\n\r\n\"Women were also able to control their bodies and pregnancies through pharmaceuticals. Sex could be enjoyed more without the fear of falling pregnant. There was then a freedom to choose one\'s partner, and this is where fantasies of \'the one\' became unrealistic.\"\r\n\r\nAnd just to be clear, it\'s the same for men - their expectations have increased, too.\r\n\r\nAbrahams said, \"We took \'the one\' too literally, as if it meant \'only one\', and we over-relied on this one mere mortal to be our one and only – our \'everything\'.\"\r\n<h3>2. That your partner can be your everything</h3>\r\nQuestion for you: How much do you depend on your partner?\r\n\r\n\"For many partners, the fairytale beginning often turns into a nightmare due to the weight of the expectations that are based on fantasy, not reality. It’s simply not possible for one person to be our everything.\"\r\n\r\n\"It\'s just too much pressure on one person. I have seen relationships go through horrendous times because the fantasy partner created at the beginning of a relationship isn’t sustainable.\"\r\n\r\nThink back to the beginning of your relationship, and how different things were. There was that \'specialness fantasy\', where everything felt really new and exciting.\r\n\r\nThe butterflies-in-the-stomach, the crazy sex, the flirty comments, the interesting discussions that would last for ages...\r\n\r\n\"At the beginning of a relationship, both partners often create a fantasy partner to show we are better than any other potential mates out there. It’s all a bit of a performance. It’s a lovely performance, but it’s a performance, nonetheless. We find our mate for life, move in together and at this point the partners reveal their more ordinary aspects.\"\r\n\r\n\"It can feel brutal when our beloved takes their eyes off us more as it made us feel so secure and special. It can feel disastrous when the frequent sex diminishes, and we are left wanting.\"\r\n\r\n\"Many partners are devastated that their partner doesn’t parent the children the way they expect – saying, \'I thought he would be such a great dad.\' I often ask – why? As none of us know how to really be a parent until we have a child.\"\r\n\r\n\"Some partners cannot comprehend how their partner didn’t become more serious about their career and has a lower earning capacity than they expected. Some can’t deal with their partner not being \'the rock\' they need in difficult times.\"\r\n<h3>3. That we own our partner</h3>\r\nYeah, this one is a bit yucky. But it\'s actually super common and you probably don\'t even realise you\'re doing it.\r\n\r\n\"The word \'my\' implies ownership. We use the word \'my\' to refer to my husband, wife, or partner. We may allow ourselves to treat them in ways we deem acceptable because they are \'ours\',\" said Abrahams.\r\n\r\n\"We overlay our relationship rules and expectations and expect them to comply so that we feel safe in the relationship. We can also control and manipulate them to do this.\"\r\n\r\nAccording to Abrahams, being committed should not equate to ownership. Remember, they\'re their own person.\r\n\r\n\"We are both separate and unique beings whose worlds collided some time ago, and we decided to remain together. The more we recognise each other’s separateness, the healthier our relationship will be.\"\r\n<h3>4. That we can change our partner</h3>\r\nMaybe it\'s the fact your partner still can\'t get along with your friends and family. Perhaps it\'s their forgetfulness of important details and dates. Or the fact they\'re not as career driven as you once thought.\r\n\r\nBut if you\'re forever trying to change your partner, their personalities traits and the qualities that make them who they are - you\'re going to have a bad time. Because needing to control your partner\'s actions and thoughts is... not healthy.\r\n\r\nOften, this can be linked to our ego, which can cause us to project inadequacy onto our partner, and see their faults and limitations.\r\n\r\n\"If you think you can change your partner – save your breath and change yourself. Ask yourself – why do they need to change? How can I get some of my needs met in a different way? Are they really needs or are they expectations based on how I was shaped by external forces across life?\"\r\n\r\n\"We should anticipate that both of us will change over time and that we’ll be confronted with disappointment and even feelings of betrayal. This is because we have over-invested in our partner being our everything.\"\r\n\r\nThe answer? I know we\'re starting to sound like a broken record, but it\'s all about keeping your boundaries and sense of individuality.\r\n\r\nLearn to lean on others in the different communities you belong to for different reasons - whether it be your friends, family or your work colleagues. Because your partner isn\'t the answer to all of life\'s problems - you have other people in your life for a good reason!\r\n\r\n\"I recommend we take some pressure off relationships so they can be less fantasy-filled and more reality-based. Your friends can be your confidante, your work colleagues can be fun and enlivening, your sex life will alter across time - and it’s not always doom and gloom if it does.\"\r\n\r\nAbrahams said relationships prosper when both people maintain a level of independence within their own lives.\r\n\r\n\"Both of you will change over time as life changes all of us. Expectations need adjusting to life\'s changes and the reality of who our partner is, not who we want them to be.\"\r\n\r\nNow, read that last line again.\r\n\r\n<em>If you would like to learn more from Lissy Abrahams, check out her e-book on <strong><a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/service/what-makes-a-couple-relationship-a-happy-one/\">what makes a couple\'s relationship happy</a></strong>.</em>\r\n\r\n<em>Lissy Abrahams is part of Mamamia\'s health panel. She is a leading individual and couple psychotherapist who has dedicated her career to helping hundreds of clients navigate life’s obstacles and challenges. Lissy founded and manages the Sydney-based therapy clinic, Heath Group Practice, and works therapeutically with clients around the world. She has published academic work and launched a successful online course to help partners stop fighting and communicate respectfully. Her latest book is \'Relationship Reset\', due for release on 26th July.\r\n<strong><a href=\"https://www.panmacmillan.com.au/9781760989781/relationship-reset/\">UPDATE: OUT NOW</a></strong></em>','\"It’s just too much pressure\": 4 relationship \'expectations\' you need to ditch immediately',' Relationships can be TOUGH. And while things like cheating and trust issues are some very obvious red...','inherit','closed','closed','','5043-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 09:29:18','2022-08-26 09:29:18','',5043,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5112',0,'revision','',0),(5114,3,'2022-08-26 09:30:39','2022-08-26 09:30:39','<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */<br />\r\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>\r\n<h1>Mamam!a</h1>\r\nArticle - source: Mamamia\r\n<h2>From numbness to avoidance: 5 signs you\'re \'emotionally coasting\' right now</h2>\r\n1 July 2022\r\n\r\nIn a Better Homes and Gardens interview, Harry Styles said he had the tendency to “emotionally coast” through life - where he described feeling detached, numb and overwhelmed by his feelings and life experiences.\r\n\r\nAnd, honestly, it might just be the best way to describe the collective emotion of 2022.\r\n\r\nBecause while everything is \'back\' (travel! Holidays! Festivals! Weddings!), there\'s also the very real and very obvious feeling of mental exhaustion when it comes to the relentless bad news cycle (see: war, protests, shootings) raging right before our eyes.\r\n\r\nIf you\'re anything like us, you might be feeling like it\'s becoming harder and harder to know where to place your energy and care. To actually feel things.\r\n\r\nEnter: \'Emotional coasting\'.\r\n\r\nWatch: Signs that mean you should seek help for your mental health.\r\n\r\nStyles told BHG that therapy allowed him to open up, better connect with his emotions and experiences, and live more authentically.\r\n\r\nHe said, \"I think that accepting living, being happy, hurting in the extremes, that is the most alive you can be. Losing it crying, losing it laughing - there\'s no way, I don\'t think, to feel more alive than that.\"\r\n\r\nSo, what exactly is emotional coasting and why do we do it? And more importantly, how do we stop?\r\n\r\nHere, we ask an expert in psychology to tell us everything we need to know.\r\n\r\n<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */<br />\r\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style>\r\n<h3>What is \'emotional coasting\'?</h3>\r\n\"Emotional coasting is a term that encompasses what I call the “bland band”, where consciously and/or unconsciously we strip our lives of the wider emotional spectrum,\" explains psychotherapist Lissy Abrahams.\r\n\r\n\"This means experiences might be felt as \'nice\' or \'a bit tough\' but never really \'incredible\' or \'heartbreaking\'.\"\r\n\r\nThe reason behind this? According to Abrahams, it\'s almost like a defence mechanism when we know we\'re not going to be able to process difficult feelings or experiences.\r\n\r\n\"We do this because we haven’t developed a sufficient distress tolerance to sit with feelings outside of the \'bland band\',\" she said.\r\n\r\n\"So, emotional coasting is used to rein in emotional experiences, so we feel safer. If we haven’t learnt how to tolerate more extreme emotions, like joy and excitement or distress and fear, then we typically look for ways to dampen them.\"\r\n\r\nIn effect, this helps protect us from being overwhelmed or dealing with certain emotions we\'re not prepared to take on.\r\n\r\n\"The problem is that the way we dampen them is by either clipping our internal state (living in the emotional bland band) or by using something in the external world as a crutch (like drugs or alcohol, spending money, over-eating, or restricting food, or by using ego defence mechanisms like denial or compartmentalisation).\"\r\n<h3>What are some common signs you might be \'emotionally coasting\'?</h3>\r\nDoes all this sound a little... familiar? Don\'t worry. You\'re not alone.\r\n\r\nAs Abrahams tells us, it\'s something we\'ll all go through at some point in our lives - especially after the past few years.\r\n\r\n\"It’s impossible to feel every feeling to the full extent. Imagine needing to focus on your work following a fight with your partner and not having any tools up your sleeve to do so. We’d end up plagued by every single feeling and achieve nothing for months on end!\"\r\n\r\nIf you\'re unable to maintain your usual drive and care for life and all its experiences, Abrahams said there are four important questions you need to ask yourself.\r\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\">- Do I really let myself become excited? What language do I use around this?</p>\r\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\">- Do I move away from people when they are ecstatic or joyous?</p>\r\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\">- When I’m sad, do I minimise or compartmentalise my feelings to move away from the sadness?</p>\r\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\">- When I’m sad, do I look outside of myself for the answer? Is this to numb the pain? Is it to distract from the pain?</p>\r\nOkay. How many of these did you say \'yes\' to?\r\n\r\n\"As a therapist, I know we can’t just keep stuffing feelings down and, at some point, symptoms will erupt either mentally or physically,\" said Abrahams.\r\n\r\nMeaning? You need to be aware of the key signs and symptoms, so you\'re able to stop it from affecting your life negatively.\r\n\r\nSome common signs of emotional coasting include -\r\n<h4>1. Being busy</h4>\r\nAre you using work as a distraction? \"Whilst being busy can help at times, we need to be careful we are not over-using busyness to bypass feelings,\" said Abrahams.\r\n<h4>2. Sublimation</h4>\r\nSee: Avoiding any form of emotional processing by doing absolutely anything else.\r\n\r\n\"This is where we avoid the full emotional experience by attending to pursuits that are deemed worthwhile, such as mowing the lawn, working later, or using the gym,\" said Abrahams.\r\n<h4>3. Compartmentalising</h4>\r\nAccording to Abrahams, it\'s common for many people to unconsciously avoid the emotional impact by putting it deep down in our emotional vault and pretty much just throwing away the key. \"This helps us feel we are no longer in contact with it - despite the fact it still resides in us,\" she adds.\r\n<h4>4. Minimising</h4>\r\n\"We can downplay our emotions. For example, when we have been unexpectedly broken up with, we may minimise by stating, \'He didn’t mean that much to me anyway\' or \'I’m overthinking this - it’s simple - it’s over\'.\"\r\n<h4>5. Blocking or numbing</h4>\r\nInstead of using coping strategies, many people will turn to other things to replace this feeling, using it as a crutch to avoid acknowledging or processing their feelings.\r\n\r\nThis involves \"using any action outside of ourselves to block or numb the pain,\" said Abrahams. \"This could be through drugs or alcohol, self-harm, gambling...\"\r\n<h3>How can you stop yourself from \'emotionally coasting\'?</h3>\r\nAbrahams said, \"It’s critical for all of us who emotionally coast to increase our window of tolerance for emotions outside of the \'bland band\'. Life will throw us curve balls, and always when we least expect it.\"\r\n\r\nBeing aware of this behavior and identifying the reasons behind it (that is, what you\'re trying to protect yourself from by numbing your emotions) and how it impacts your life, can help you move forward and better process your emotions and life experiences going forward.\r\n\r\nBut just remember - learning to stop \'emotional coasting\' is not a quick fix, and it can take some time in order to avoid getting overwhelmed with emotions.\r\n\r\nAccording to Abrahams, to prevent emotional coasting, it\'s important to develop three things:\r\n<h4>1. Language awareness</h4>\r\nIt seems like a small change, but Abrahams said that becoming aware of whether your language minimises your emotional experiences is more important than you might think.\r\n\r\n\"Do you say the meal is \'satisfying\' when you may mean \'delicious\'? Allow yourself freedom to turn the volume up. Do you say \'a bit disappointing\' when your pet has died or are you allowed to be \'grief-filled\'?\"\r\n<h4>2. Body awareness</h4>\r\n\"Our body often provides the truth about how we are feeling - without the story in our mind,\" said Abrahams.\r\n\r\nRead: Listen to your body.\r\n\r\n\"Focus on your heart - is it beating more rapidly suddenly? Why? Information and sensations arise constantly from our body, and this can reveal that we’re not actually emotionally coasting.\"\r\n\r\n\"For example, our body will reveal if we are fearful, excited, or disappointed - it won’t coast. We can’t trick our body out of its experience, so tune in to enhance the colour of your emotional life.\"\r\n<h4>3. Develop distress tolerance.</h4>\r\n\"It’s critical for our mental and physical health to be able to sit with the highs and lows of life without needing to do something with them. Many of us need to increase our ability to tolerate distress.\"\r\n\r\nGoing to therapy and seeking help from a professional is a great way to \"increase your emotional range and truly understanding why you became someone who emotionally coasts in the first place.\"\r\n\r\n\"This, alongside mindfulness techniques, can help you develop a greater ability to tolerate a greater range of emotions that will erupt through life’s curveballs.\"\r\n\r\n<em>If you would like to learn more from Lissy Abrahams, check out her e-book on <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/service/what-makes-a-couple-relationship-a-happy-one/\"><strong>what makes a couple\'s relationship happy</strong></a>.</em>\r\n\r\n<em>Lissy Abrahams is part of Mamamia\'s health expert panel. She is a leading individual and couple psychotherapist who has dedicated her career to helping hundreds of clients navigate life’s obstacles and challenges. Lissy studied psychology in Sydney and then completed her Masters in couples psychotherapy at the internationally renowned Tavistock Relationships. Here, she worked therapeutically with couples, as well as lectured and tutored trainee counsellors.</em>\r\n\r\n<em>Lissy founded and manages the Sydney-based therapy clinic, Heath Group Practice, and works therapeutically with clients around the world. She has published academic work and launched a successful online course to help partners stop fighting and communicate respectfully.</em>\r\n\r\n<em>Lissy believes we all have the capacity to improve our lives and relationships with the right knowledge and practical strategies. Her mission is to help as many people as possible transform their lives by creating happier and more loving relationships.</em>\r\n\r\n<em>Feature image: Getty </em>','From Numbness to Avoidance: 5 Signs You\'re \'Emotionally Coasting\' Right Now',' Relationships can be TOUGH. And while things like cheating and trust issues are some very obvious red...','inherit','closed','closed','','5048-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 09:30:39','2022-08-26 09:30:39','',5048,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5114',0,'revision','',0),(5115,3,'2022-08-26 09:31:14','2022-08-26 09:31:14','<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */<br />.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>\r\n<h1>Mamam!a</h1>\r\nArticle - source: Mamamia\r\n<h2>From numbness to avoidance: 5 signs you\'re \'emotionally coasting\' right now</h2>\r\n1 July 2022\r\n\r\nIn a Better Homes and Gardens interview, Harry Styles said he had the tendency to “emotionally coast” through life - where he described feeling detached, numb and overwhelmed by his feelings and life experiences.\r\n\r\nAnd, honestly, it might just be the best way to describe the collective emotion of 2022.\r\n\r\nBecause while everything is \'back\' (travel! Holidays! Festivals! Weddings!), there\'s also the very real and very obvious feeling of mental exhaustion when it comes to the relentless bad news cycle (see: war, protests, shootings) raging right before our eyes.\r\n\r\nIf you\'re anything like us, you might be feeling like it\'s becoming harder and harder to know where to place your energy and care. To actually feel things.\r\n\r\nEnter: \'Emotional coasting\'.\r\n\r\nWatch: Signs that mean you should seek help for your mental health.\r\n\r\nStyles told BHG that therapy allowed him to open up, better connect with his emotions and experiences, and live more authentically.\r\n\r\nHe said, \"I think that accepting living, being happy, hurting in the extremes, that is the most alive you can be. Losing it crying, losing it laughing - there\'s no way, I don\'t think, to feel more alive than that.\"\r\n\r\nSo, what exactly is emotional coasting and why do we do it? And more importantly, how do we stop?\r\n\r\nHere, we ask an expert in psychology to tell us everything we need to know.\r\n\r\n<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */<br />.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style>\r\n<h3>What is \'emotional coasting\'?</h3>\r\n\"Emotional coasting is a term that encompasses what I call the “bland band”, where consciously and/or unconsciously we strip our lives of the wider emotional spectrum,\" explains psychotherapist Lissy Abrahams.\r\n\r\n\"This means experiences might be felt as \'nice\' or \'a bit tough\' but never really \'incredible\' or \'heartbreaking\'.\"\r\n\r\nThe reason behind this? According to Abrahams, it\'s almost like a defence mechanism when we know we\'re not going to be able to process difficult feelings or experiences.\r\n\r\n\"We do this because we haven’t developed a sufficient distress tolerance to sit with feelings outside of the \'bland band\',\" she said.\r\n\r\n\"So, emotional coasting is used to rein in emotional experiences, so we feel safer. If we haven’t learnt how to tolerate more extreme emotions, like joy and excitement or distress and fear, then we typically look for ways to dampen them.\"\r\n\r\nIn effect, this helps protect us from being overwhelmed or dealing with certain emotions we\'re not prepared to take on.\r\n\r\n\"The problem is that the way we dampen them is by either clipping our internal state (living in the emotional bland band) or by using something in the external world as a crutch (like drugs or alcohol, spending money, over-eating, or restricting food, or by using ego defence mechanisms like denial or compartmentalisation).\"\r\n<h3>What are some common signs you might be \'emotionally coasting\'?</h3>\r\nDoes all this sound a little... familiar? Don\'t worry. You\'re not alone.\r\n\r\nAs Abrahams tells us, it\'s something we\'ll all go through at some point in our lives - especially after the past few years.\r\n\r\n\"It’s impossible to feel every feeling to the full extent. Imagine needing to focus on your work following a fight with your partner and not having any tools up your sleeve to do so. We’d end up plagued by every single feeling and achieve nothing for months on end!\"\r\n\r\nIf you\'re unable to maintain your usual drive and care for life and all its experiences, Abrahams said there are four important questions you need to ask yourself.\r\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\">- Do I really let myself become excited? What language do I use around this?</p>\r\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\">- Do I move away from people when they are ecstatic or joyous?</p>\r\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\">- When I’m sad, do I minimise or compartmentalise my feelings to move away from the sadness?</p>\r\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\">- When I’m sad, do I look outside of myself for the answer? Is this to numb the pain? Is it to distract from the pain?</p>\r\nOkay. How many of these did you say \'yes\' to?\r\n\r\n\"As a therapist, I know we can’t just keep stuffing feelings down and, at some point, symptoms will erupt either mentally or physically,\" said Abrahams.\r\n\r\nMeaning? You need to be aware of the key signs and symptoms, so you\'re able to stop it from affecting your life negatively.\r\n\r\nSome common signs of emotional coasting include -\r\n<h4>1. Being busy</h4>\r\nAre you using work as a distraction? \"Whilst being busy can help at times, we need to be careful we are not over-using busyness to bypass feelings,\" said Abrahams.\r\n<h4>2. Sublimation</h4>\r\nSee: Avoiding any form of emotional processing by doing absolutely anything else.\r\n\r\n\"This is where we avoid the full emotional experience by attending to pursuits that are deemed worthwhile, such as mowing the lawn, working later, or using the gym,\" said Abrahams.\r\n<h4>3. Compartmentalising</h4>\r\nAccording to Abrahams, it\'s common for many people to unconsciously avoid the emotional impact by putting it deep down in our emotional vault and pretty much just throwing away the key. \"This helps us feel we are no longer in contact with it - despite the fact it still resides in us,\" she adds.\r\n<h4>4. Minimising</h4>\r\n\"We can downplay our emotions. For example, when we have been unexpectedly broken up with, we may minimise by stating, \'He didn’t mean that much to me anyway\' or \'I’m overthinking this - it’s simple - it’s over\'.\"\r\n<h4>5. Blocking or numbing</h4>\r\nInstead of using coping strategies, many people will turn to other things to replace this feeling, using it as a crutch to avoid acknowledging or processing their feelings.\r\n\r\nThis involves \"using any action outside of ourselves to block or numb the pain,\" said Abrahams. \"This could be through drugs or alcohol, self-harm, gambling...\"\r\n<h3>How can you stop yourself from \'emotionally coasting\'?</h3>\r\nAbrahams said, \"It’s critical for all of us who emotionally coast to increase our window of tolerance for emotions outside of the \'bland band\'. Life will throw us curve balls, and always when we least expect it.\"\r\n\r\nBeing aware of this behavior and identifying the reasons behind it (that is, what you\'re trying to protect yourself from by numbing your emotions) and how it impacts your life, can help you move forward and better process your emotions and life experiences going forward.\r\n\r\nBut just remember - learning to stop \'emotional coasting\' is not a quick fix, and it can take some time in order to avoid getting overwhelmed with emotions.\r\n\r\nAccording to Abrahams, to prevent emotional coasting, it\'s important to develop three things:\r\n<h4>1. Language awareness</h4>\r\nIt seems like a small change, but Abrahams said that becoming aware of whether your language minimises your emotional experiences is more important than you might think.\r\n\r\n\"Do you say the meal is \'satisfying\' when you may mean \'delicious\'? Allow yourself freedom to turn the volume up. Do you say \'a bit disappointing\' when your pet has died or are you allowed to be \'grief-filled\'?\"\r\n<h4>2. Body awareness</h4>\r\n\"Our body often provides the truth about how we are feeling - without the story in our mind,\" said Abrahams.\r\n\r\nRead: Listen to your body.\r\n\r\n\"Focus on your heart - is it beating more rapidly suddenly? Why? Information and sensations arise constantly from our body, and this can reveal that we’re not actually emotionally coasting.\"\r\n\r\n\"For example, our body will reveal if we are fearful, excited, or disappointed - it won’t coast. We can’t trick our body out of its experience, so tune in to enhance the colour of your emotional life.\"\r\n<h4>3. Develop distress tolerance.</h4>\r\n\"It’s critical for our mental and physical health to be able to sit with the highs and lows of life without needing to do something with them. Many of us need to increase our ability to tolerate distress.\"\r\n\r\nGoing to therapy and seeking help from a professional is a great way to \"increase your emotional range and truly understanding why you became someone who emotionally coasts in the first place.\"\r\n\r\n\"This, alongside mindfulness techniques, can help you develop a greater ability to tolerate a greater range of emotions that will erupt through life’s curveballs.\"\r\n\r\n<em>If you would like to learn more from Lissy Abrahams, check out her e-book on <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/service/what-makes-a-couple-relationship-a-happy-one/\"><strong>what makes a couple\'s relationship happy</strong></a>.</em>\r\n\r\n<em>Lissy Abrahams is part of Mamamia\'s health expert panel. She is a leading individual and couple psychotherapist who has dedicated her career to helping hundreds of clients navigate life’s obstacles and challenges. Lissy studied psychology in Sydney and then completed her Masters in couples psychotherapy at the internationally renowned Tavistock Relationships. Here, she worked therapeutically with couples, as well as lectured and tutored trainee counsellors.</em>\r\n\r\n<em>Lissy founded and manages the Sydney-based therapy clinic, Heath Group Practice, and works therapeutically with clients around the world. She has published academic work and launched a successful online course to help partners stop fighting and communicate respectfully.</em>\r\n\r\n<em>Lissy believes we all have the capacity to improve our lives and relationships with the right knowledge and practical strategies. Her mission is to help as many people as possible transform their lives by creating happier and more loving relationships.</em>\r\n\r\n<em>Feature image: Getty </em>','From Numbness to Avoidance: 5 Signs You\'re \'Emotionally Coasting\' Right Now',' Relationships can be TOUGH. And while things like cheating and trust issues are some very obvious red...','inherit','closed','closed','','5048-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 09:31:14','2022-08-26 09:31:14','',5048,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5115',0,'revision','',0),(5116,3,'2022-08-26 09:32:08','2022-08-26 09:32:08','<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */<br />.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>\r\n<h1>Mamam!a</h1>\r\nArticle - source: Mamamia\r\n<h2>From numbness to avoidance: 5 signs you\'re \'emotionally coasting\' right now</h2>\r\n1 July 2022\r\n\r\nIn a Better Homes and Gardens interview, Harry Styles said he had the tendency to “emotionally coast” through life - where he described feeling detached, numb and overwhelmed by his feelings and life experiences.\r\n\r\nAnd, honestly, it might just be the best way to describe the collective emotion of 2022.\r\n\r\nBecause while everything is \'back\' (travel! Holidays! Festivals! Weddings!), there\'s also the very real and very obvious feeling of mental exhaustion when it comes to the relentless bad news cycle (see: war, protests, shootings) raging right before our eyes.\r\n\r\nIf you\'re anything like us, you might be feeling like it\'s becoming harder and harder to know where to place your energy and care. To actually feel things.\r\n\r\nEnter: \'Emotional coasting\'.\r\n\r\nWatch: Signs that mean you should seek help for your mental health.\r\n\r\nStyles told BHG that therapy allowed him to open up, better connect with his emotions and experiences, and live more authentically.\r\n\r\nHe said, \"I think that accepting living, being happy, hurting in the extremes, that is the most alive you can be. Losing it crying, losing it laughing - there\'s no way, I don\'t think, to feel more alive than that.\"\r\n\r\nSo, what exactly is emotional coasting and why do we do it? And more importantly, how do we stop?\r\n\r\nHere, we ask an expert in psychology to tell us everything we need to know.\r\n\r\n<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */<br />.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style>\r\n<h3>What is \'emotional coasting\'?</h3>\r\n\"Emotional coasting is a term that encompasses what I call the “bland band”, where consciously and/or unconsciously we strip our lives of the wider emotional spectrum,\" explains psychotherapist Lissy Abrahams.\r\n\r\n\"This means experiences might be felt as \'nice\' or \'a bit tough\' but never really \'incredible\' or \'heartbreaking\'.\"\r\n\r\nThe reason behind this? According to Abrahams, it\'s almost like a defence mechanism when we know we\'re not going to be able to process difficult feelings or experiences.\r\n\r\n\"We do this because we haven’t developed a sufficient distress tolerance to sit with feelings outside of the \'bland band\',\" she said.\r\n\r\n\"So, emotional coasting is used to rein in emotional experiences, so we feel safer. If we haven’t learnt how to tolerate more extreme emotions, like joy and excitement or distress and fear, then we typically look for ways to dampen them.\"\r\n\r\nIn effect, this helps protect us from being overwhelmed or dealing with certain emotions we\'re not prepared to take on.\r\n\r\n\"The problem is that the way we dampen them is by either clipping our internal state (living in the emotional bland band) or by using something in the external world as a crutch (like drugs or alcohol, spending money, over-eating, or restricting food, or by using ego defence mechanisms like denial or compartmentalisation).\"\r\n<h3>What are some common signs you might be \'emotionally coasting\'?</h3>\r\nDoes all this sound a little... familiar? Don\'t worry. You\'re not alone.\r\n\r\nAs Abrahams tells us, it\'s something we\'ll all go through at some point in our lives - especially after the past few years.\r\n\r\n\"It’s impossible to feel every feeling to the full extent. Imagine needing to focus on your work following a fight with your partner and not having any tools up your sleeve to do so. We’d end up plagued by every single feeling and achieve nothing for months on end!\"\r\n\r\nIf you\'re unable to maintain your usual drive and care for life and all its experiences, Abrahams said there are four important questions you need to ask yourself.\r\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\">- Do I really let myself become excited? What language do I use around this?</p>\r\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\">- Do I move away from people when they are ecstatic or joyous?</p>\r\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\">- When I’m sad, do I minimise or compartmentalise my feelings to move away from the sadness?</p>\r\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\">- When I’m sad, do I look outside of myself for the answer? Is this to numb the pain? Is it to distract from the pain?</p>\r\nOkay. How many of these did you say \'yes\' to?\r\n\r\n\"As a therapist, I know we can’t just keep stuffing feelings down and, at some point, symptoms will erupt either mentally or physically,\" said Abrahams.\r\n\r\nMeaning? You need to be aware of the key signs and symptoms, so you\'re able to stop it from affecting your life negatively.\r\n\r\nSome common signs of emotional coasting include -\r\n<h4>1. Being busy</h4>\r\nAre you using work as a distraction? \"Whilst being busy can help at times, we need to be careful we are not over-using busyness to bypass feelings,\" said Abrahams.\r\n<h4>2. Sublimation</h4>\r\nSee: Avoiding any form of emotional processing by doing absolutely anything else.\r\n\r\n\"This is where we avoid the full emotional experience by attending to pursuits that are deemed worthwhile, such as mowing the lawn, working later, or using the gym,\" said Abrahams.\r\n<h4>3. Compartmentalising</h4>\r\nAccording to Abrahams, it\'s common for many people to unconsciously avoid the emotional impact by putting it deep down in our emotional vault and pretty much just throwing away the key. \"This helps us feel we are no longer in contact with it - despite the fact it still resides in us,\" she adds.\r\n<h4>4. Minimising</h4>\r\n\"We can downplay our emotions. For example, when we have been unexpectedly broken up with, we may minimise by stating, \'He didn’t mean that much to me anyway\' or \'I’m overthinking this - it’s simple - it’s over\'.\"\r\n<h4>5. Blocking or numbing</h4>\r\nInstead of using coping strategies, many people will turn to other things to replace this feeling, using it as a crutch to avoid acknowledging or processing their feelings.\r\n\r\nThis involves \"using any action outside of ourselves to block or numb the pain,\" said Abrahams. \"This could be through drugs or alcohol, self-harm, gambling...\"\r\n<h3>How can you stop yourself from \'emotionally coasting\'?</h3>\r\nAbrahams said, \"It’s critical for all of us who emotionally coast to increase our window of tolerance for emotions outside of the \'bland band\'. Life will throw us curve balls, and always when we least expect it.\"\r\n\r\nBeing aware of this behavior and identifying the reasons behind it (that is, what you\'re trying to protect yourself from by numbing your emotions) and how it impacts your life, can help you move forward and better process your emotions and life experiences going forward.\r\n\r\nBut just remember - learning to stop \'emotional coasting\' is not a quick fix, and it can take some time in order to avoid getting overwhelmed with emotions.\r\n\r\nAccording to Abrahams, to prevent emotional coasting, it\'s important to develop three things:\r\n<h4>1. Language awareness</h4>\r\nIt seems like a small change, but Abrahams said that becoming aware of whether your language minimises your emotional experiences is more important than you might think.\r\n\r\n\"Do you say the meal is \'satisfying\' when you may mean \'delicious\'? Allow yourself freedom to turn the volume up. Do you say \'a bit disappointing\' when your pet has died or are you allowed to be \'grief-filled\'?\"\r\n<h4>2. Body awareness</h4>\r\n\"Our body often provides the truth about how we are feeling - without the story in our mind,\" said Abrahams.\r\n\r\nRead: Listen to your body.\r\n\r\n\"Focus on your heart - is it beating more rapidly suddenly? Why? Information and sensations arise constantly from our body, and this can reveal that we’re not actually emotionally coasting.\"\r\n\r\n\"For example, our body will reveal if we are fearful, excited, or disappointed - it won’t coast. We can’t trick our body out of its experience, so tune in to enhance the colour of your emotional life.\"\r\n<h4>3. Develop distress tolerance.</h4>\r\n\"It’s critical for our mental and physical health to be able to sit with the highs and lows of life without needing to do something with them. Many of us need to increase our ability to tolerate distress.\"\r\n\r\nGoing to therapy and seeking help from a professional is a great way to \"increase your emotional range and truly understanding why you became someone who emotionally coasts in the first place.\"\r\n\r\n\"This, alongside mindfulness techniques, can help you develop a greater ability to tolerate a greater range of emotions that will erupt through life’s curveballs.\"\r\n\r\n<em>If you would like to learn more from Lissy Abrahams, check out her e-book on <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/service/what-makes-a-couple-relationship-a-happy-one/\"><strong>what makes a couple\'s relationship happy</strong></a>.</em>\r\n\r\n<em>Lissy Abrahams is part of Mamamia\'s health expert panel. She is a leading individual and couple psychotherapist who has dedicated her career to helping hundreds of clients navigate life’s obstacles and challenges. Lissy studied psychology in Sydney and then completed her Masters in couples psychotherapy at the internationally renowned Tavistock Relationships. Here, she worked therapeutically with couples, as well as lectured and tutored trainee counsellors.</em>\r\n\r\n<em>Lissy founded and manages the Sydney-based therapy clinic, Heath Group Practice, and works therapeutically with clients around the world. She has published academic work and launched a successful online course to help partners stop fighting and communicate respectfully.</em>\r\n\r\n<em>Lissy believes we all have the capacity to improve our lives and relationships with the right knowledge and practical strategies. Her mission is to help as many people as possible transform their lives by creating happier and more loving relationships.</em>\r\n\r\n<em>Feature image: Getty </em>','From Numbness to Avoidance: 5 Signs You\'re \'Emotionally Coasting\' Right Now',' Relationships can be TOUGH. And while things like cheating and trust issues are some very obvious red...','inherit','closed','closed','','5048-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 09:32:08','2022-08-26 09:32:08','',5048,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5116',0,'revision','',0),(5117,3,'2022-08-26 09:32:08','2022-08-26 09:32:08','<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */<br />.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>\r\n<h1>Mamam!a</h1>\r\nArticle - source: Mamamia\r\n<h2>From numbness to avoidance: 5 signs you\'re \'emotionally coasting\' right now</h2>\r\n1 July 2022\r\n\r\nIn a Better Homes and Gardens interview, Harry Styles said he had the tendency to “emotionally coast” through life - where he described feeling detached, numb and overwhelmed by his feelings and life experiences.\r\n\r\nAnd, honestly, it might just be the best way to describe the collective emotion of 2022.\r\n\r\nBecause while everything is \'back\' (travel! Holidays! Festivals! Weddings!), there\'s also the very real and very obvious feeling of mental exhaustion when it comes to the relentless bad news cycle (see: war, protests, shootings) raging right before our eyes.\r\n\r\nIf you\'re anything like us, you might be feeling like it\'s becoming harder and harder to know where to place your energy and care. To actually feel things.\r\n\r\nEnter: \'Emotional coasting\'.\r\n\r\nWatch: Signs that mean you should seek help for your mental health.\r\n\r\nStyles told BHG that therapy allowed him to open up, better connect with his emotions and experiences, and live more authentically.\r\n\r\nHe said, \"I think that accepting living, being happy, hurting in the extremes, that is the most alive you can be. Losing it crying, losing it laughing - there\'s no way, I don\'t think, to feel more alive than that.\"\r\n\r\nSo, what exactly is emotional coasting and why do we do it? And more importantly, how do we stop?\r\n\r\nHere, we ask an expert in psychology to tell us everything we need to know.\r\n\r\n<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */<br />.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style>\r\n<h3>What is \'emotional coasting\'?</h3>\r\n\"Emotional coasting is a term that encompasses what I call the “bland band”, where consciously and/or unconsciously we strip our lives of the wider emotional spectrum,\" explains psychotherapist Lissy Abrahams.\r\n\r\n\"This means experiences might be felt as \'nice\' or \'a bit tough\' but never really \'incredible\' or \'heartbreaking\'.\"\r\n\r\nThe reason behind this? According to Abrahams, it\'s almost like a defence mechanism when we know we\'re not going to be able to process difficult feelings or experiences.\r\n\r\n\"We do this because we haven’t developed a sufficient distress tolerance to sit with feelings outside of the \'bland band\',\" she said.\r\n\r\n\"So, emotional coasting is used to rein in emotional experiences, so we feel safer. If we haven’t learnt how to tolerate more extreme emotions, like joy and excitement or distress and fear, then we typically look for ways to dampen them.\"\r\n\r\nIn effect, this helps protect us from being overwhelmed or dealing with certain emotions we\'re not prepared to take on.\r\n\r\n\"The problem is that the way we dampen them is by either clipping our internal state (living in the emotional bland band) or by using something in the external world as a crutch (like drugs or alcohol, spending money, over-eating, or restricting food, or by using ego defence mechanisms like denial or compartmentalisation).\"\r\n<h3>What are some common signs you might be \'emotionally coasting\'?</h3>\r\nDoes all this sound a little... familiar? Don\'t worry. You\'re not alone.\r\n\r\nAs Abrahams tells us, it\'s something we\'ll all go through at some point in our lives - especially after the past few years.\r\n\r\n\"It’s impossible to feel every feeling to the full extent. Imagine needing to focus on your work following a fight with your partner and not having any tools up your sleeve to do so. We’d end up plagued by every single feeling and achieve nothing for months on end!\"\r\n\r\nIf you\'re unable to maintain your usual drive and care for life and all its experiences, Abrahams said there are four important questions you need to ask yourself.\r\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\">- Do I really let myself become excited? What language do I use around this?</p>\r\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\">- Do I move away from people when they are ecstatic or joyous?</p>\r\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\">- When I’m sad, do I minimise or compartmentalise my feelings to move away from the sadness?</p>\r\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\">- When I’m sad, do I look outside of myself for the answer? Is this to numb the pain? Is it to distract from the pain?</p>\r\nOkay. How many of these did you say \'yes\' to?\r\n\r\n\"As a therapist, I know we can’t just keep stuffing feelings down and, at some point, symptoms will erupt either mentally or physically,\" said Abrahams.\r\n\r\nMeaning? You need to be aware of the key signs and symptoms, so you\'re able to stop it from affecting your life negatively.\r\n\r\nSome common signs of emotional coasting include -\r\n<h4>1. Being busy</h4>\r\nAre you using work as a distraction? \"Whilst being busy can help at times, we need to be careful we are not over-using busyness to bypass feelings,\" said Abrahams.\r\n<h4>2. Sublimation</h4>\r\nSee: Avoiding any form of emotional processing by doing absolutely anything else.\r\n\r\n\"This is where we avoid the full emotional experience by attending to pursuits that are deemed worthwhile, such as mowing the lawn, working later, or using the gym,\" said Abrahams.\r\n<h4>3. Compartmentalising</h4>\r\nAccording to Abrahams, it\'s common for many people to unconsciously avoid the emotional impact by putting it deep down in our emotional vault and pretty much just throwing away the key. \"This helps us feel we are no longer in contact with it - despite the fact it still resides in us,\" she adds.\r\n<h4>4. Minimising</h4>\r\n\"We can downplay our emotions. For example, when we have been unexpectedly broken up with, we may minimise by stating, \'He didn’t mean that much to me anyway\' or \'I’m overthinking this - it’s simple - it’s over\'.\"\r\n<h4>5. Blocking or numbing</h4>\r\nInstead of using coping strategies, many people will turn to other things to replace this feeling, using it as a crutch to avoid acknowledging or processing their feelings.\r\n\r\nThis involves \"using any action outside of ourselves to block or numb the pain,\" said Abrahams. \"This could be through drugs or alcohol, self-harm, gambling...\"\r\n<h3>How can you stop yourself from \'emotionally coasting\'?</h3>\r\nAbrahams said, \"It’s critical for all of us who emotionally coast to increase our window of tolerance for emotions outside of the \'bland band\'. Life will throw us curve balls, and always when we least expect it.\"\r\n\r\nBeing aware of this behavior and identifying the reasons behind it (that is, what you\'re trying to protect yourself from by numbing your emotions) and how it impacts your life, can help you move forward and better process your emotions and life experiences going forward.\r\n\r\nBut just remember - learning to stop \'emotional coasting\' is not a quick fix, and it can take some time in order to avoid getting overwhelmed with emotions.\r\n\r\nAccording to Abrahams, to prevent emotional coasting, it\'s important to develop three things:\r\n<h4>1. Language awareness</h4>\r\nIt seems like a small change, but Abrahams said that becoming aware of whether your language minimises your emotional experiences is more important than you might think.\r\n\r\n\"Do you say the meal is \'satisfying\' when you may mean \'delicious\'? Allow yourself freedom to turn the volume up. Do you say \'a bit disappointing\' when your pet has died or are you allowed to be \'grief-filled\'?\"\r\n<h4>2. Body awareness</h4>\r\n\"Our body often provides the truth about how we are feeling - without the story in our mind,\" said Abrahams.\r\n\r\nRead: Listen to your body.\r\n\r\n\"Focus on your heart - is it beating more rapidly suddenly? Why? Information and sensations arise constantly from our body, and this can reveal that we’re not actually emotionally coasting.\"\r\n\r\n\"For example, our body will reveal if we are fearful, excited, or disappointed - it won’t coast. We can’t trick our body out of its experience, so tune in to enhance the colour of your emotional life.\"\r\n<h4>3. Develop distress tolerance.</h4>\r\n\"It’s critical for our mental and physical health to be able to sit with the highs and lows of life without needing to do something with them. Many of us need to increase our ability to tolerate distress.\"\r\n\r\nGoing to therapy and seeking help from a professional is a great way to \"increase your emotional range and truly understanding why you became someone who emotionally coasts in the first place.\"\r\n\r\n\"This, alongside mindfulness techniques, can help you develop a greater ability to tolerate a greater range of emotions that will erupt through life’s curveballs.\"\r\n\r\n<em>If you would like to learn more from Lissy Abrahams, check out her e-book on <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/service/what-makes-a-couple-relationship-a-happy-one/\"><strong>what makes a couple\'s relationship happy</strong></a>.</em>\r\n\r\n<em>Lissy Abrahams is part of Mamamia\'s health expert panel. She is a leading individual and couple psychotherapist who has dedicated her career to helping hundreds of clients navigate life’s obstacles and challenges. Lissy studied psychology in Sydney and then completed her Masters in couples psychotherapy at the internationally renowned Tavistock Relationships. Here, she worked therapeutically with couples, as well as lectured and tutored trainee counsellors.</em>\r\n\r\n<em>Lissy founded and manages the Sydney-based therapy clinic, Heath Group Practice, and works therapeutically with clients around the world. She has published academic work and launched a successful online course to help partners stop fighting and communicate respectfully.</em>\r\n\r\n<em>Lissy believes we all have the capacity to improve our lives and relationships with the right knowledge and practical strategies. Her mission is to help as many people as possible transform their lives by creating happier and more loving relationships.</em>\r\n\r\n<em>Feature image: Getty </em>','From Numbness to Avoidance: 5 Signs You\'re \'Emotionally Coasting\' Right Now',' Relationships can be TOUGH. And while things like cheating and trust issues are some very obvious red...','inherit','closed','closed','','5048-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 09:32:08','2022-08-26 09:32:08','',5048,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5117',0,'revision','',0),(5118,3,'2022-08-26 09:32:08','2022-08-26 09:32:08','<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>		\n            <h1>\n                MamaM!a            \n        </h1>\n            Article - source: Mamamia        \n            <h2>\n                From numbness to avoidance: 5 signs you\'re \'emotionally coasting\' right now            \n        </h2>\n            1 July 2022        \n		<p>In a Better Homes and Gardens interview, Harry Styles said he had the tendency to “emotionally coast” through life - where he described feeling detached, numb and overwhelmed by his feelings and life experiences. </p><p>And, honestly, it might just be the best way to describe the collective emotion of 2022.</p><p>Because while everything is \'back\' (travel! Holidays! Festivals! Weddings!), there\'s also the very real and very obvious feeling of mental exhaustion when it comes to the relentless bad news cycle (see: war, protests, shootings) raging right before our eyes. </p><p>If you\'re anything like us, you might be feeling like it\'s becoming harder and harder to know where to place your energy and care. To actually feel things.</p><p>Enter: \'Emotional coasting\'.</p><p>Watch: Signs that mean you should seek help for your mental health. </p><p>Styles told BHG that therapy allowed him to open up, better connect with his emotions and experiences, and live more authentically.</p><p>He said, \"I think that accepting living, being happy, hurting in the extremes, that is the most alive you can be. Losing it crying, losing it laughing - there\'s no way, I don\'t think, to feel more alive than that.\"</p><p>So, what exactly is emotional coasting and why do we do it? And more importantly, how do we stop?</p><p>Here, we ask an expert in psychology to tell us everything we need to know.</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h3>What is \'emotional coasting\'?</h3>		\n		<p>\"Emotional coasting is a term that encompasses what I call the “bland band”, where consciously and/or unconsciously we strip our lives of the wider emotional spectrum,\" explains psychotherapist Lissy Abrahams.</p><p>\"This means experiences might be felt as \'nice\' or \'a bit tough\' but never really \'incredible\' or \'heartbreaking\'.\"</p><p>The reason behind this? According to Abrahams, it\'s almost like a defence mechanism when we know we\'re not going to be able to process difficult feelings or experiences.</p><p>\"We do this because we haven’t developed a sufficient distress tolerance to sit with feelings outside of the \'bland band\',\" she said.</p><p>\"So, emotional coasting is used to rein in emotional experiences, so we feel safer. If we haven’t learnt how to tolerate more extreme emotions, like joy and excitement or distress and fear, then we typically look for ways to dampen them.\"</p><p>In effect, this helps protect us from being overwhelmed or dealing with certain emotions we\'re not prepared to take on.</p><p>\"The problem is that the way we dampen them is by either clipping our internal state (living in the emotional bland band) or by using something in the external world as a crutch (like drugs or alcohol, spending money, over-eating, or restricting food, or by using ego defence mechanisms like denial or compartmentalisation).\"</p>		\n			<h3>What are some common signs you might be \'emotionally coasting\'?</h3>		\n		<p>Does all this sound a little... familiar? Don\'t worry. You\'re not alone. </p><p>As Abrahams tells us, it\'s something we\'ll all go through at some point in our lives - especially after the past few years.</p><p>\"It’s impossible to feel every feeling to the full extent. Imagine needing to focus on your work following a fight with your partner and not having any tools up your sleeve to do so. We’d end up plagued by every single feeling and achieve nothing for months on end!\"</p><p>If you\'re unable to maintain your usual drive and care for life and all its experiences, Abrahams said there are four important questions you need to ask yourself.</p><p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\">- Do I really let myself become excited? What language do I use around this?</p><p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\">- Do I move away from people when they are ecstatic or joyous?</p><p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\">- When I’m sad, do I minimise or compartmentalise my feelings to move away from the sadness?</p><p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\">- When I’m sad, do I look outside of myself for the answer? Is this to numb the pain? Is it to distract from the pain?</p><p>Okay. How many of these did you say \'yes\' to?</p><p>\"As a therapist, I know we can’t just keep stuffing feelings down and, at some point, symptoms will erupt either mentally or physically,\" said Abrahams.</p><p>Meaning? You need to be aware of the key signs and symptoms, so you\'re able to stop it from affecting your life negatively.</p><p>Some common signs of emotional coasting include - </p>		\n			<h4>1. Being busy</h4>		\n		<p>Are you using work as a distraction? \"Whilst being busy can help at times, we need to be careful we are not over-using busyness to bypass feelings,\" said Abrahams. </p>		\n			<h4>2. Sublimation</h4>		\n		<p>See: Avoiding any form of emotional processing by doing absolutely anything else. </p><p>\"This is where we avoid the full emotional experience by attending to pursuits that are deemed worthwhile, such as mowing the lawn, working later, or using the gym,\" said Abrahams.</p>		\n			<h4>3. Compartmentalising</h4>		\n		<p>According to Abrahams, it\'s common for many people to unconsciously avoid the emotional impact by putting it deep down in our emotional vault and pretty much just throwing away the key. \"This helps us feel we are no longer in contact with it - despite the fact it still resides in us,\" she adds.</p>		\n			<h4>4. Minimising</h4>		\n		<p>\"We can downplay our emotions. For example, when we have been unexpectedly broken up with, we may minimise by stating, \'He didn’t mean that much to me anyway\' or \'I’m overthinking this - it’s simple - it’s over\'.\"</p>		\n			<h4>5. Blocking or numbing</h4>		\n		<p>Instead of using coping strategies, many people will turn to other things to replace this feeling, using it as a crutch to avoid acknowledging or processing their feelings.</p><p>This involves \"using any action outside of ourselves to block or numb the pain,\" said Abrahams. \"This could be through drugs or alcohol, self-harm, gambling...\" </p>		\n			<h3>How can you stop yourself from \'emotionally coasting\'?</h3>		\n		<p>Abrahams said, \"It’s critical for all of us who emotionally coast to increase our window of tolerance for emotions outside of the \'bland band\'. Life will throw us curve balls, and always when we least expect it.\"</p><p>Being aware of this behavior and identifying the reasons behind it (that is, what you\'re trying to protect yourself from by numbing your emotions) and how it impacts your life, can help you move forward and better process your emotions and life experiences going forward.</p><p>But just remember - learning to stop \'emotional coasting\' is not a quick fix, and it can take some time in order to avoid getting overwhelmed with emotions.</p><p>According to Abrahams, to prevent emotional coasting, it\'s important to develop three things:</p>		\n			<h4>1. Language awareness</h4>		\n		<p>It seems like a small change, but Abrahams said that becoming aware of whether your language minimises your emotional experiences is more important than you might think. </p><p>\"Do you say the meal is \'satisfying\' when you may mean \'delicious\'? Allow yourself freedom to turn the volume up. Do you say \'a bit disappointing\' when your pet has died or are you allowed to be \'grief-filled\'?\"</p>		\n			<h4>2. Body awareness</h4>		\n		<p>\"Our body often provides the truth about how we are feeling - without the story in our mind,\" said Abrahams.</p><p>Read: Listen to your body.</p><p>\"Focus on your heart - is it beating more rapidly suddenly? Why? Information and sensations arise constantly from our body, and this can reveal that we’re not actually emotionally coasting.\" </p><p>\"For example, our body will reveal if we are fearful, excited, or disappointed - it won’t coast. We can’t trick our body out of its experience, so tune in to enhance the colour of your emotional life.\"</p>		\n			<h4>3. Develop distress tolerance. </h4>		\n		<p>\"It’s critical for our mental and physical health to be able to sit with the highs and lows of life without needing to do something with them. Many of us need to increase our ability to tolerate distress.\"</p><p>Going to therapy and seeking help from a professional is a great way to \"increase your emotional range and truly understanding why you became someone who emotionally coasts in the first place.\"</p><p>\"This, alongside mindfulness techniques, can help you develop a greater ability to tolerate a greater range of emotions that will erupt through life’s curveballs.\"</p><p><em>If you would like to learn more from Lissy Abrahams, check out her e-book on <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/service/what-makes-a-couple-relationship-a-happy-one/\"><strong>what makes a couple\'s relationship happy</strong></a>.</em></p><p><em>Lissy Abrahams is part of Mamamia\'s health expert panel. She is a leading individual and couple psychotherapist who has dedicated her career to helping hundreds of clients navigate life’s obstacles and challenges. Lissy studied psychology in Sydney and then completed her Masters in couples psychotherapy at the internationally renowned Tavistock Relationships. Here, she worked therapeutically with couples, as well as lectured and tutored trainee counsellors.</em></p><p><em>Lissy founded and manages the Sydney-based therapy clinic, Heath Group Practice, and works therapeutically with clients around the world. She has published academic work and launched a successful online course to help partners stop fighting and communicate respectfully.</em></p><p><em>Lissy believes we all have the capacity to improve our lives and relationships with the right knowledge and practical strategies. Her mission is to help as many people as possible transform their lives by creating happier and more loving relationships.</em></p><p><em>Feature image: Getty </em></p>','From Numbness to Avoidance: 5 Signs You\'re \'Emotionally Coasting\' Right Now',' Relationships can be TOUGH. And while things like cheating and trust issues are some very obvious red...','inherit','closed','closed','','5048-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 09:32:08','2022-08-26 09:32:08','',5048,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5118',0,'revision','',0),(5119,3,'2022-08-26 09:33:20','2022-08-26 09:33:20','<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>		\n            <h1>\n                Mamam!a            \n        </h1>\n            Article - source: Mamamia        \n            <h2>\n                \"No, we can\'t be friends\": 12 Things Your Therapist Wants You To Know            \n        </h2>\n            3 June 2022        \n		<p>Ever wondered what your therapist is really thinking? Oh, phew! So it\'s not just us.</p><p>It\'s a funny old thing, therapy. Not funny, funny - but you know we mean. Because more often than not, you don\'t really know what to expect if you\'ve never been before, right?</p><p>Will it be like the movies? Will they show you those pictures of dark splotches and ask you what you see? Will they go home have a big gossip with their partner about all your secrets?? Omg, WILL THEY?</p><p>The good news: Chances are, your therapist is nothing like what you\'ll see in movies and TV shows. Really!</p><p>In fact, they\'re probably more like you than you might think.</p><p>Watch: These signs will help you know if you should see a psychologist.</p><p>And here\'s the thing - while it\'s always good to be able to seek out help from those around you, like your family and friends, sometimes you just need to chat with someone from outside of your circle. Someone who is like a blank sheet of paper.</p><p>Below, we asked psychotherapist Lissy Abrahams to tell us everything she wants you to know about therapy..</p><p>Take a seat.</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h3>1. We understand that you may feel daunted or frightened about starting therapy</h3>		\n		<p>Sharing really intimate details about your life, your relationships and some of your deepest secrets to a complete stranger can feel super scary and daunting. Therapists get it.</p><p>\"Most people come to therapy because they need it. This doesn’t mean that they want to go. And I can tell you, no one starts therapy for fun – even though in my consulting room we have some fun,\" said Abrahams.</p><p>\"Good therapists understand that it can take time for some clients to feel safe in the space and that’s absolutely fine. You will feel safe when you feel safe and feel free to talk about this with your therapist.\" </p>		\n			<h3>2. There\'s no experience needed</h3>		\n		<p>Going to your first therapy session and nervous that you won\'t know what you need to... do or say? Don\'t worry - Abrahams said this is a really common feeling.</p><p>\"Some people worry that they don’t know what to do in therapy and they may not be “getting it right” as a client. Let me tell you now - there is no \'getting it right\'.\"</p><p>\"All you need to do is bring yourself in - just as you are, no experience needed.\"</p>		\n			<h3>3. We’ve seen it all</h3>		\n		<p>Spoiler! While you might think you just have too much stuff, chances are your therapist has seen it all before. Your past behaviours, relationship struggles, life concerns - the whole shebang. Ten times over. </p><p>\"So many people come to therapy worried that their therapist won’t be able to handle them – that they’ll be too much,\" said Abrahams.</p><p>\"Even though every client is unique and brings a different flavour to the therapy, an experienced therapist generally won’t be fazed by what you’re presenting with to have treated.\"</p><p>\"This doesn’t mean we don’t care or that we’re going through the motions – we’re not. It’s that you’re unlikely to be shocking to us in any way.\"</p><p>So, know that you\'re not \'too difficult\' to work with. The right therapist is out there for you.</p>		\n			<h3>4. We understand fight-or-flight reactions</h3>		\n		<p>Heard of a fight-or-flight response? It\'s basically a knee-jerk reaction to a past experience or event that you might perceive as stressful or frightening. Your pulse might start racing. Your breathing gets quicker. You feel tense. Uncomfortable. </p><p>It\'s kind of like a psychological defence mechanism.</p><p>\"We understand that you can have reactions to people and situations that trigger your fight-or-flight responses. Sometimes you may react as if you are being chased by a hungry bear,\" explains Abrahams. </p><p>\"Your body has a cascading reaction where your adrenaline and cortisol levels surge, and your heart rate and blood pressure increase.\"</p><p>While it can be scary, it\'s important to know that this is totally normal, and an experienced therapist will help you navigate the situation.</p><p>\"Good therapists understand that in this mode, you may say or do things that may seem extreme. We help you understand these.\"</p>		\n			<h3>5. Your history matters</h3>		\n		<p>One of the most important things therapists want patients to understand is just how crucial it is to explore past and present experiences - even if you might not feel like it\'s relevant to why you\'re seeking help.</p><p>\"Any good therapist understands that your history shapes everything about you. This includes the stories you tell yourself, your beliefs, values, expectations, how you relate to yourself and others, what makes you upset, fearful, or angry, and so much more.\" </p><p>\"Therapists understand that you’ve been consciously and unconsciously programmed from forces outside of your control – we all have. They’ll work with you to understand how your programming is alive and kicking inside of you today and how your ego operates accordingly.\"</p><p>Sometimes this can be incredibly tough and uncomfortable for people, especially when you\'ve experienced hurt in the past. So, be patient with yourself.</p><p>\"Many of our clients have experienced childhood trauma and we help them understand how this impacts the way they function in their day-to-day lives.\"</p>		\n			<h3>6. Most parents do their best</h3>		\n		<p>Fact: Blaming your parents for everything is not the goal here. Abrahams said it\'s about helping clients realise the reality that their parents may have done the best they can, and at the same time may have hurt you in ways you now struggle with.</p><p>\"Most therapists understand that parents do their best. This doesn’t mean they always supported, cared or kept you safe. But most parents do their best, even though they have limitations and shortcomings. Therapy is not about blaming parents.\"</p><p>\"Most parents are just operating from the program they received from their conscious and unconscious experiences. It’s important to understand how the limitations affected you and shaped you, yet to also understand most parents don’t try to hurt their children. They’re often preoccupied, stressed, and exhausted.\"</p><p>The goal is to try to navigate the life you\'ve been given - because at the end of the day, you\'re the only one who can change it.</p>		\n			<h3>7. We\'re non-judgemental</h3>		\n		<p>Abrahams said any good therapist will never judge their client - even when you feel like they\'re doing more listening than talking. </p><p>If you ever do feel judged by your therapist, she said this is something you should bring up with them - it might seem really uncomfortable at first, but it\'s extremely important you voice your feelings.</p><p>\"Good therapists are non-judgemental therapists. How is a judgemental therapist helpful? Actually, they’re harmful. If your therapist is, call them out on it or find someone else who isn’t judgemental,\" she said.</p><p>\"Our position is to help you understand how you operate and we do this alongside you – not towering above you on a pedestal.\"</p>		\n			<h3>8. Your therapist is a mere mortal, too</h3>		\n		<p>Yep, therapists are real people. And they\'re not perfect, either. </p><p>\"Clients often feel they need to see their therapist as angelic – those who are only good and perfect. Whenever I sense my clients are placing me in the ‘perfect’ bracket, I quickly let them know that there are no halos in my consulting room – not on their heads and certainly not on mine.\" </p><p>\"I’m not perfect and nor is any therapist. We struggle like you do in life. We feel pain, sadness, anger and more. We have our battle scars and life experiences. We’re all mere mortals, and sometimes we handle life’s tribulations well, and sometimes we can stuff up royally.\"</p>		\n			<h3>9. Distress tolerance is everything</h3>		\n		<p>According to Abrahams, many clients come to see therapists because they have distress intolerance. This means they haven’t learnt how to tolerate upsetting emotions and sit with them.</p><p>\"They didn’t learn this as a child through their parent-child relationship. This means that they suffer because they don’t understand that this unpleasant feeling inside them will pass.\" </p><p>\"It feels catastrophic, and that’s where they look to the external world to make themselves feel better. This includes shopping, eating, restricting food, gambling, promiscuous sex, turning to drugs/alcohol, talking excessively with friends or creating drama.\" </p><p>Abrahams goes on to explain that these actions in the outside world never resolve what’s going on inside - they\'re mere distractions that numb, but don’t address, what the unpleasant experience was.</p><p>\"A good therapist will help you understand this and teach you other ways to tolerate the sensations inside you, such as breathing techniques and mindfulness.\"</p>		\n			<h3>10. You leave a mark on our lives, too</h3>		\n		<p>Any good therapist will truly want the best for you - and their investment in you often goes outside of the time you spend together. So, don\'t think that you\'re just another number.</p><p>\"Even though you’re the one who is going through a transformative experience with the therapist, you leave a mark on them, too,\" said Abrahams. \"Our relationships are meaningful and real, and we care deeply about our clients’ wellbeing.\"</p><p>\"I genuinely love my clients and my heart can bleed for them when they suffer and my heart can expand with joy at their development and other wonderful moments.\"</p>		\n			<h3>11. No, we can’t be friends</h3>		\n		<p>While it\'s common to develop a close relationship with your therapist, Abrahams said it\'s important to understand that you can\'t be friends with your therapist. </p><p>Awks, we know. But it\'s for the best.</p><p>\"There are many clients who would like to be friends with their therapist. This shows that a great connection has been made. However, it’s important though to keep the relationship in the therapy-client space so that clients can always return for top-up sessions.\"</p><p>Being friends with your therapist can create what\'s known as a \'conflicting dual relationship\', which is when people are in two very different relationships at the same time - and this presents a number of different challenges. </p><p>So, yeah - it\'s both good and bad news. Don\'t ask your therapist around for dinner, friend.</p><p>\"Your therapist holds your history in a particular way that no-one else does – besides you. It’s a special thing you share. You can make more friends of many different varieties, but having someone hold all of that knowledge of you and your work together is valuable and worthy of protection.\" </p><p>\"I had a client return for sessions yesterday after not seeing him for seven years. Whilst I don’t remember every detail of our time together, I certainly remember him and his essence. We were both able to pick back up and get back into the work together.\"</p>		\n			<h3>12. We have a privileged role</h3>		\n		<p>Abrahams said, \"Being a therapist is such privileged work, and most therapists take their role and responsibilities seriously.\"</p><p>\"We know how transformative the experience of therapy can be and how profoundly it alters lives.\"</p><p><em>If you would like to learn more from Lissy Abrahams, check out her e-book on <strong><a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/service/what-makes-a-couple-relationship-a-happy-one/\">what makes a couple\'s relationship happy</a></strong>.</em></p><p><em>Lissy Abrahams is part of Mamamia\'s health expert panel. She is a leading individual and couple psychotherapist who has dedicated her career to helping hundreds of clients navigate life’s obstacles and challenges. Lissy studied psychology in Sydney and then completed her Masters in couples psychotherapy at the internationally renowned Tavistock Relationships. Here, she worked therapeutically with couples, as well as lectured and tutored trainee counsellors.</em></p><p><em>Lissy founded and manages the Sydney-based therapy clinic, Heath Group Practice, and works therapeutically with clients around the world. She has published academic work and launched a successful online course to help partners stop fighting and communicate respectfully.</em></p><p><em>Lissy believes we all have the capacity to improve our lives and relationships with the right knowledge and practical strategies. Her mission is to help as many people as possible transform their lives by creating happier and more loving relationships.</em></p><p><em>Feature image: Getty</em></p>','\"No, we can\'t be friends\": 12 Things Your Therapist Wants You To Know',' Relationships can be TOUGH. And while things like cheating and trust issues are some very obvious red...','inherit','closed','closed','','5035-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 09:33:20','2022-08-26 09:33:20','',5035,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5119',0,'revision','',0),(5120,3,'2022-08-26 09:33:20','2022-08-26 09:33:20','<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>		\n            <h1>\n                Mamam!a            \n        </h1>\n            Article - source: Mamamia        \n            <h2>\n                \"No, we can\'t be friends\": 12 Things Your Therapist Wants You To Know            \n        </h2>\n            3 June 2022        \n		<p>Ever wondered what your therapist is really thinking? Oh, phew! So it\'s not just us.</p><p>It\'s a funny old thing, therapy. Not funny, funny - but you know we mean. Because more often than not, you don\'t really know what to expect if you\'ve never been before, right?</p><p>Will it be like the movies? Will they show you those pictures of dark splotches and ask you what you see? Will they go home have a big gossip with their partner about all your secrets?? Omg, WILL THEY?</p><p>The good news: Chances are, your therapist is nothing like what you\'ll see in movies and TV shows. Really!</p><p>In fact, they\'re probably more like you than you might think.</p><p>Watch: These signs will help you know if you should see a psychologist.</p><p>And here\'s the thing - while it\'s always good to be able to seek out help from those around you, like your family and friends, sometimes you just need to chat with someone from outside of your circle. Someone who is like a blank sheet of paper.</p><p>Below, we asked psychotherapist Lissy Abrahams to tell us everything she wants you to know about therapy..</p><p>Take a seat.</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h3>1. We understand that you may feel daunted or frightened about starting therapy</h3>		\n		<p>Sharing really intimate details about your life, your relationships and some of your deepest secrets to a complete stranger can feel super scary and daunting. Therapists get it.</p><p>\"Most people come to therapy because they need it. This doesn’t mean that they want to go. And I can tell you, no one starts therapy for fun – even though in my consulting room we have some fun,\" said Abrahams.</p><p>\"Good therapists understand that it can take time for some clients to feel safe in the space and that’s absolutely fine. You will feel safe when you feel safe and feel free to talk about this with your therapist.\" </p>		\n			<h3>2. There\'s no experience needed</h3>		\n		<p>Going to your first therapy session and nervous that you won\'t know what you need to... do or say? Don\'t worry - Abrahams said this is a really common feeling.</p><p>\"Some people worry that they don’t know what to do in therapy and they may not be “getting it right” as a client. Let me tell you now - there is no \'getting it right\'.\"</p><p>\"All you need to do is bring yourself in - just as you are, no experience needed.\"</p>		\n			<h3>3. We’ve seen it all</h3>		\n		<p>Spoiler! While you might think you just have too much stuff, chances are your therapist has seen it all before. Your past behaviours, relationship struggles, life concerns - the whole shebang. Ten times over. </p><p>\"So many people come to therapy worried that their therapist won’t be able to handle them – that they’ll be too much,\" said Abrahams.</p><p>\"Even though every client is unique and brings a different flavour to the therapy, an experienced therapist generally won’t be fazed by what you’re presenting with to have treated.\"</p><p>\"This doesn’t mean we don’t care or that we’re going through the motions – we’re not. It’s that you’re unlikely to be shocking to us in any way.\"</p><p>So, know that you\'re not \'too difficult\' to work with. The right therapist is out there for you.</p>		\n			<h3>4. We understand fight-or-flight reactions</h3>		\n		<p>Heard of a fight-or-flight response? It\'s basically a knee-jerk reaction to a past experience or event that you might perceive as stressful or frightening. Your pulse might start racing. Your breathing gets quicker. You feel tense. Uncomfortable. </p><p>It\'s kind of like a psychological defence mechanism.</p><p>\"We understand that you can have reactions to people and situations that trigger your fight-or-flight responses. Sometimes you may react as if you are being chased by a hungry bear,\" explains Abrahams. </p><p>\"Your body has a cascading reaction where your adrenaline and cortisol levels surge, and your heart rate and blood pressure increase.\"</p><p>While it can be scary, it\'s important to know that this is totally normal, and an experienced therapist will help you navigate the situation.</p><p>\"Good therapists understand that in this mode, you may say or do things that may seem extreme. We help you understand these.\"</p>		\n			<h3>5. Your history matters</h3>		\n		<p>One of the most important things therapists want patients to understand is just how crucial it is to explore past and present experiences - even if you might not feel like it\'s relevant to why you\'re seeking help.</p><p>\"Any good therapist understands that your history shapes everything about you. This includes the stories you tell yourself, your beliefs, values, expectations, how you relate to yourself and others, what makes you upset, fearful, or angry, and so much more.\" </p><p>\"Therapists understand that you’ve been consciously and unconsciously programmed from forces outside of your control – we all have. They’ll work with you to understand how your programming is alive and kicking inside of you today and how your ego operates accordingly.\"</p><p>Sometimes this can be incredibly tough and uncomfortable for people, especially when you\'ve experienced hurt in the past. So, be patient with yourself.</p><p>\"Many of our clients have experienced childhood trauma and we help them understand how this impacts the way they function in their day-to-day lives.\"</p>		\n			<h3>6. Most parents do their best</h3>		\n		<p>Fact: Blaming your parents for everything is not the goal here. Abrahams said it\'s about helping clients realise the reality that their parents may have done the best they can, and at the same time may have hurt you in ways you now struggle with.</p><p>\"Most therapists understand that parents do their best. This doesn’t mean they always supported, cared or kept you safe. But most parents do their best, even though they have limitations and shortcomings. Therapy is not about blaming parents.\"</p><p>\"Most parents are just operating from the program they received from their conscious and unconscious experiences. It’s important to understand how the limitations affected you and shaped you, yet to also understand most parents don’t try to hurt their children. They’re often preoccupied, stressed, and exhausted.\"</p><p>The goal is to try to navigate the life you\'ve been given - because at the end of the day, you\'re the only one who can change it.</p>		\n			<h3>7. We\'re non-judgemental</h3>		\n		<p>Abrahams said any good therapist will never judge their client - even when you feel like they\'re doing more listening than talking. </p><p>If you ever do feel judged by your therapist, she said this is something you should bring up with them - it might seem really uncomfortable at first, but it\'s extremely important you voice your feelings.</p><p>\"Good therapists are non-judgemental therapists. How is a judgemental therapist helpful? Actually, they’re harmful. If your therapist is, call them out on it or find someone else who isn’t judgemental,\" she said.</p><p>\"Our position is to help you understand how you operate and we do this alongside you – not towering above you on a pedestal.\"</p>		\n			<h3>8. Your therapist is a mere mortal, too</h3>		\n		<p>Yep, therapists are real people. And they\'re not perfect, either. </p><p>\"Clients often feel they need to see their therapist as angelic – those who are only good and perfect. Whenever I sense my clients are placing me in the ‘perfect’ bracket, I quickly let them know that there are no halos in my consulting room – not on their heads and certainly not on mine.\" </p><p>\"I’m not perfect and nor is any therapist. We struggle like you do in life. We feel pain, sadness, anger and more. We have our battle scars and life experiences. We’re all mere mortals, and sometimes we handle life’s tribulations well, and sometimes we can stuff up royally.\"</p>		\n			<h3>9. Distress tolerance is everything</h3>		\n		<p>According to Abrahams, many clients come to see therapists because they have distress intolerance. This means they haven’t learnt how to tolerate upsetting emotions and sit with them.</p><p>\"They didn’t learn this as a child through their parent-child relationship. This means that they suffer because they don’t understand that this unpleasant feeling inside them will pass.\" </p><p>\"It feels catastrophic, and that’s where they look to the external world to make themselves feel better. This includes shopping, eating, restricting food, gambling, promiscuous sex, turning to drugs/alcohol, talking excessively with friends or creating drama.\" </p><p>Abrahams goes on to explain that these actions in the outside world never resolve what’s going on inside - they\'re mere distractions that numb, but don’t address, what the unpleasant experience was.</p><p>\"A good therapist will help you understand this and teach you other ways to tolerate the sensations inside you, such as breathing techniques and mindfulness.\"</p>		\n			<h3>10. You leave a mark on our lives, too</h3>		\n		<p>Any good therapist will truly want the best for you - and their investment in you often goes outside of the time you spend together. So, don\'t think that you\'re just another number.</p><p>\"Even though you’re the one who is going through a transformative experience with the therapist, you leave a mark on them, too,\" said Abrahams. \"Our relationships are meaningful and real, and we care deeply about our clients’ wellbeing.\"</p><p>\"I genuinely love my clients and my heart can bleed for them when they suffer and my heart can expand with joy at their development and other wonderful moments.\"</p>		\n			<h3>11. No, we can’t be friends</h3>		\n		<p>While it\'s common to develop a close relationship with your therapist, Abrahams said it\'s important to understand that you can\'t be friends with your therapist. </p><p>Awks, we know. But it\'s for the best.</p><p>\"There are many clients who would like to be friends with their therapist. This shows that a great connection has been made. However, it’s important though to keep the relationship in the therapy-client space so that clients can always return for top-up sessions.\"</p><p>Being friends with your therapist can create what\'s known as a \'conflicting dual relationship\', which is when people are in two very different relationships at the same time - and this presents a number of different challenges. </p><p>So, yeah - it\'s both good and bad news. Don\'t ask your therapist around for dinner, friend.</p><p>\"Your therapist holds your history in a particular way that no-one else does – besides you. It’s a special thing you share. You can make more friends of many different varieties, but having someone hold all of that knowledge of you and your work together is valuable and worthy of protection.\" </p><p>\"I had a client return for sessions yesterday after not seeing him for seven years. Whilst I don’t remember every detail of our time together, I certainly remember him and his essence. We were both able to pick back up and get back into the work together.\"</p>		\n			<h3>12. We have a privileged role</h3>		\n		<p>Abrahams said, \"Being a therapist is such privileged work, and most therapists take their role and responsibilities seriously.\"</p><p>\"We know how transformative the experience of therapy can be and how profoundly it alters lives.\"</p><p><em>If you would like to learn more from Lissy Abrahams, check out her e-book on <strong><a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/service/what-makes-a-couple-relationship-a-happy-one/\">what makes a couple\'s relationship happy</a></strong>.</em></p><p><em>Lissy Abrahams is part of Mamamia\'s health expert panel. She is a leading individual and couple psychotherapist who has dedicated her career to helping hundreds of clients navigate life’s obstacles and challenges. Lissy studied psychology in Sydney and then completed her Masters in couples psychotherapy at the internationally renowned Tavistock Relationships. Here, she worked therapeutically with couples, as well as lectured and tutored trainee counsellors.</em></p><p><em>Lissy founded and manages the Sydney-based therapy clinic, Heath Group Practice, and works therapeutically with clients around the world. She has published academic work and launched a successful online course to help partners stop fighting and communicate respectfully.</em></p><p><em>Lissy believes we all have the capacity to improve our lives and relationships with the right knowledge and practical strategies. Her mission is to help as many people as possible transform their lives by creating happier and more loving relationships.</em></p><p><em>Feature image: Getty</em></p>','\"No, we can\'t be friends\": 12 Things Your Therapist Wants You To Know',' Relationships can be TOUGH. And while things like cheating and trust issues are some very obvious red...','inherit','closed','closed','','5035-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 09:33:20','2022-08-26 09:33:20','',5035,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5120',0,'revision','',0);
INSERT INTO `wpjr_posts` VALUES (5121,3,'2022-08-26 09:33:20','2022-08-26 09:33:20','<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>		\n            <h1>\n                MamaM!a            \n        </h1>\n            Article - source: Mamamia        \n            <h2>\n                \"No, we can\'t be friends\": 12 Things Your Therapist Wants You To Know            \n        </h2>\n            3 June 2022        \n		<p>Ever wondered what your therapist is really thinking? Oh, phew! So it\'s not just us.</p><p>It\'s a funny old thing, therapy. Not funny, funny - but you know we mean. Because more often than not, you don\'t really know what to expect if you\'ve never been before, right?</p><p>Will it be like the movies? Will they show you those pictures of dark splotches and ask you what you see? Will they go home have a big gossip with their partner about all your secrets?? Omg, WILL THEY?</p><p>The good news: Chances are, your therapist is nothing like what you\'ll see in movies and TV shows. Really!</p><p>In fact, they\'re probably more like you than you might think.</p><p>Watch: These signs will help you know if you should see a psychologist.</p><p>And here\'s the thing - while it\'s always good to be able to seek out help from those around you, like your family and friends, sometimes you just need to chat with someone from outside of your circle. Someone who is like a blank sheet of paper.</p><p>Below, we asked psychotherapist Lissy Abrahams to tell us everything she wants you to know about therapy..</p><p>Take a seat.</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h3>1. We understand that you may feel daunted or frightened about starting therapy</h3>		\n		<p>Sharing really intimate details about your life, your relationships and some of your deepest secrets to a complete stranger can feel super scary and daunting. Therapists get it.</p><p>\"Most people come to therapy because they need it. This doesn’t mean that they want to go. And I can tell you, no one starts therapy for fun – even though in my consulting room we have some fun,\" said Abrahams.</p><p>\"Good therapists understand that it can take time for some clients to feel safe in the space and that’s absolutely fine. You will feel safe when you feel safe and feel free to talk about this with your therapist.\" </p>		\n			<h3>2. There\'s no experience needed</h3>		\n		<p>Going to your first therapy session and nervous that you won\'t know what you need to... do or say? Don\'t worry - Abrahams said this is a really common feeling.</p><p>\"Some people worry that they don’t know what to do in therapy and they may not be “getting it right” as a client. Let me tell you now - there is no \'getting it right\'.\"</p><p>\"All you need to do is bring yourself in - just as you are, no experience needed.\"</p>		\n			<h3>3. We’ve seen it all</h3>		\n		<p>Spoiler! While you might think you just have too much stuff, chances are your therapist has seen it all before. Your past behaviours, relationship struggles, life concerns - the whole shebang. Ten times over. </p><p>\"So many people come to therapy worried that their therapist won’t be able to handle them – that they’ll be too much,\" said Abrahams.</p><p>\"Even though every client is unique and brings a different flavour to the therapy, an experienced therapist generally won’t be fazed by what you’re presenting with to have treated.\"</p><p>\"This doesn’t mean we don’t care or that we’re going through the motions – we’re not. It’s that you’re unlikely to be shocking to us in any way.\"</p><p>So, know that you\'re not \'too difficult\' to work with. The right therapist is out there for you.</p>		\n			<h3>4. We understand fight-or-flight reactions</h3>		\n		<p>Heard of a fight-or-flight response? It\'s basically a knee-jerk reaction to a past experience or event that you might perceive as stressful or frightening. Your pulse might start racing. Your breathing gets quicker. You feel tense. Uncomfortable. </p><p>It\'s kind of like a psychological defence mechanism.</p><p>\"We understand that you can have reactions to people and situations that trigger your fight-or-flight responses. Sometimes you may react as if you are being chased by a hungry bear,\" explains Abrahams. </p><p>\"Your body has a cascading reaction where your adrenaline and cortisol levels surge, and your heart rate and blood pressure increase.\"</p><p>While it can be scary, it\'s important to know that this is totally normal, and an experienced therapist will help you navigate the situation.</p><p>\"Good therapists understand that in this mode, you may say or do things that may seem extreme. We help you understand these.\"</p>		\n			<h3>5. Your history matters</h3>		\n		<p>One of the most important things therapists want patients to understand is just how crucial it is to explore past and present experiences - even if you might not feel like it\'s relevant to why you\'re seeking help.</p><p>\"Any good therapist understands that your history shapes everything about you. This includes the stories you tell yourself, your beliefs, values, expectations, how you relate to yourself and others, what makes you upset, fearful, or angry, and so much more.\" </p><p>\"Therapists understand that you’ve been consciously and unconsciously programmed from forces outside of your control – we all have. They’ll work with you to understand how your programming is alive and kicking inside of you today and how your ego operates accordingly.\"</p><p>Sometimes this can be incredibly tough and uncomfortable for people, especially when you\'ve experienced hurt in the past. So, be patient with yourself.</p><p>\"Many of our clients have experienced childhood trauma and we help them understand how this impacts the way they function in their day-to-day lives.\"</p>		\n			<h3>6. Most parents do their best</h3>		\n		<p>Fact: Blaming your parents for everything is not the goal here. Abrahams said it\'s about helping clients realise the reality that their parents may have done the best they can, and at the same time may have hurt you in ways you now struggle with.</p><p>\"Most therapists understand that parents do their best. This doesn’t mean they always supported, cared or kept you safe. But most parents do their best, even though they have limitations and shortcomings. Therapy is not about blaming parents.\"</p><p>\"Most parents are just operating from the program they received from their conscious and unconscious experiences. It’s important to understand how the limitations affected you and shaped you, yet to also understand most parents don’t try to hurt their children. They’re often preoccupied, stressed, and exhausted.\"</p><p>The goal is to try to navigate the life you\'ve been given - because at the end of the day, you\'re the only one who can change it.</p>		\n			<h3>7. We\'re non-judgemental</h3>		\n		<p>Abrahams said any good therapist will never judge their client - even when you feel like they\'re doing more listening than talking. </p><p>If you ever do feel judged by your therapist, she said this is something you should bring up with them - it might seem really uncomfortable at first, but it\'s extremely important you voice your feelings.</p><p>\"Good therapists are non-judgemental therapists. How is a judgemental therapist helpful? Actually, they’re harmful. If your therapist is, call them out on it or find someone else who isn’t judgemental,\" she said.</p><p>\"Our position is to help you understand how you operate and we do this alongside you – not towering above you on a pedestal.\"</p>		\n			<h3>8. Your therapist is a mere mortal, too</h3>		\n		<p>Yep, therapists are real people. And they\'re not perfect, either. </p><p>\"Clients often feel they need to see their therapist as angelic – those who are only good and perfect. Whenever I sense my clients are placing me in the ‘perfect’ bracket, I quickly let them know that there are no halos in my consulting room – not on their heads and certainly not on mine.\" </p><p>\"I’m not perfect and nor is any therapist. We struggle like you do in life. We feel pain, sadness, anger and more. We have our battle scars and life experiences. We’re all mere mortals, and sometimes we handle life’s tribulations well, and sometimes we can stuff up royally.\"</p>		\n			<h3>9. Distress tolerance is everything</h3>		\n		<p>According to Abrahams, many clients come to see therapists because they have distress intolerance. This means they haven’t learnt how to tolerate upsetting emotions and sit with them.</p><p>\"They didn’t learn this as a child through their parent-child relationship. This means that they suffer because they don’t understand that this unpleasant feeling inside them will pass.\" </p><p>\"It feels catastrophic, and that’s where they look to the external world to make themselves feel better. This includes shopping, eating, restricting food, gambling, promiscuous sex, turning to drugs/alcohol, talking excessively with friends or creating drama.\" </p><p>Abrahams goes on to explain that these actions in the outside world never resolve what’s going on inside - they\'re mere distractions that numb, but don’t address, what the unpleasant experience was.</p><p>\"A good therapist will help you understand this and teach you other ways to tolerate the sensations inside you, such as breathing techniques and mindfulness.\"</p>		\n			<h3>10. You leave a mark on our lives, too</h3>		\n		<p>Any good therapist will truly want the best for you - and their investment in you often goes outside of the time you spend together. So, don\'t think that you\'re just another number.</p><p>\"Even though you’re the one who is going through a transformative experience with the therapist, you leave a mark on them, too,\" said Abrahams. \"Our relationships are meaningful and real, and we care deeply about our clients’ wellbeing.\"</p><p>\"I genuinely love my clients and my heart can bleed for them when they suffer and my heart can expand with joy at their development and other wonderful moments.\"</p>		\n			<h3>11. No, we can’t be friends</h3>		\n		<p>While it\'s common to develop a close relationship with your therapist, Abrahams said it\'s important to understand that you can\'t be friends with your therapist. </p><p>Awks, we know. But it\'s for the best.</p><p>\"There are many clients who would like to be friends with their therapist. This shows that a great connection has been made. However, it’s important though to keep the relationship in the therapy-client space so that clients can always return for top-up sessions.\"</p><p>Being friends with your therapist can create what\'s known as a \'conflicting dual relationship\', which is when people are in two very different relationships at the same time - and this presents a number of different challenges. </p><p>So, yeah - it\'s both good and bad news. Don\'t ask your therapist around for dinner, friend.</p><p>\"Your therapist holds your history in a particular way that no-one else does – besides you. It’s a special thing you share. You can make more friends of many different varieties, but having someone hold all of that knowledge of you and your work together is valuable and worthy of protection.\" </p><p>\"I had a client return for sessions yesterday after not seeing him for seven years. Whilst I don’t remember every detail of our time together, I certainly remember him and his essence. We were both able to pick back up and get back into the work together.\"</p>		\n			<h3>12. We have a privileged role</h3>		\n		<p>Abrahams said, \"Being a therapist is such privileged work, and most therapists take their role and responsibilities seriously.\"</p><p>\"We know how transformative the experience of therapy can be and how profoundly it alters lives.\"</p><p><em>If you would like to learn more from Lissy Abrahams, check out her e-book on <strong><a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/service/what-makes-a-couple-relationship-a-happy-one/\">what makes a couple\'s relationship happy</a></strong>.</em></p><p><em>Lissy Abrahams is part of Mamamia\'s health expert panel. She is a leading individual and couple psychotherapist who has dedicated her career to helping hundreds of clients navigate life’s obstacles and challenges. Lissy studied psychology in Sydney and then completed her Masters in couples psychotherapy at the internationally renowned Tavistock Relationships. Here, she worked therapeutically with couples, as well as lectured and tutored trainee counsellors.</em></p><p><em>Lissy founded and manages the Sydney-based therapy clinic, Heath Group Practice, and works therapeutically with clients around the world. She has published academic work and launched a successful online course to help partners stop fighting and communicate respectfully.</em></p><p><em>Lissy believes we all have the capacity to improve our lives and relationships with the right knowledge and practical strategies. Her mission is to help as many people as possible transform their lives by creating happier and more loving relationships.</em></p><p><em>Feature image: Getty</em></p>','\"No, we can\'t be friends\": 12 Things Your Therapist Wants You To Know',' Relationships can be TOUGH. And while things like cheating and trust issues are some very obvious red...','inherit','closed','closed','','5035-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 09:33:20','2022-08-26 09:33:20','',5035,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5121',0,'revision','',0),(5122,3,'2022-08-26 09:34:10','2022-08-26 09:34:10','<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>		\n            <h1>\n                Mamam!a            \n        </h1>\n            Article - source: Mamamia        \n            <h2>\n                5 Questions Everyone Should Be Able to Answer About Their Partner, According to An Expert            \n        </h2>\n            30 May 2022        \n		<p>When it comes to relationships, what are your deal-breakers?</p><p>It might be feeling certain where you want to live, hobbies you want to pursue, career goals you need to support meeting, or the kind of family you want to have.</p><p>Now, what about your partner? What are their non-negotiables?</p><p> </p><p>While it’s totally normal to disagree on certain things (read: sailing around the world with seven children), having an open and honest conversation with your partner about each other’s needs and wants in life is crucial in order to make a relationship work.</p><p>And sometimes having an unconformable conversation now – everything from what gets your partner in the mood to how many kids they want – can save you a whole lotta heartache in the end.</p><p>So, we sat down with relationship therapist Lissy Abrahams and asked her to share some of the most important things you should know about your partner.</p><p>In no particular order – and the order will be determined by the age and stage of the couple – Abrahams said there are five key things you should be able to answer about your romantic partner.</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h3>1. How do they deal with stress, sadness, fear, or pain?</h3>		\n		<p>One of the most crucial things you should know about your partner is how they deal with painful and upsetting life experiences.</p><p>Establishing how your partner copes with difficult emotions – because everyone is different – will help you better understand how you’re able to help each other when stressful things arise.</p><p>“We all have differing capacities for how we tolerate upsetting experiences or physical pain. In general, our ability to tolerate these states stems from whether our parents soothed us in childhood,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“This soothing, across many aspects in childhood, becomes internalised and forms the basis of learning to tolerate distress as adults. We take this ability to cope into [our] relationship with our partner.”</p><p>Abrahams goes on to say that people who can tolerate these feelings are often able to manage unsettling experiences better and understand that difficulties come and go.</p><p>While they can still become upset, distressed, or feel pain, she said they tend to be able to work things out themselves, or talk to their partner, or seek wise counsel from someone in their community or a therapist.</p><p>“The important thing is that they are not fearful of thinking about these emotional states. They want to understand them so they can recover,” she said.</p><p>The other side of it? Those who struggle with difficult emotions.</p><p>“The big difference for those who can’t deal with these feelings or pain is that they need to do something in the external world to make the feelings go away.”</p><p>“These solutions are a way of trying to cope with the pain, but they never actually resolve it. Often, they just make things worse.”</p><p>So, you’re going to want to know if your partner can sit with difficult feelings or not. If not, what do they do?</p><p>“Do they instantly blame you? Block or push back your ideas? Do they become sulky or whiny? Do they isolate themselves from you or become punishing?,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“Do they turn to drugs or alcohol to ease emotional or physical pain? Do they use porn, gamble, or shop excessively to avoid feelings? What about emotional eating or highly rigid restrictions on food?”</p><p>This is a really important one to be able to answer, as it can harm a relationship when we can’t manage difficult states inside of ourselves.</p>		\n			<h3>2. How do they like and not like to be touched physically or sexually?</h3>		\n		<p>Partners can have very different views on intimacy – like how often sex should happen, and their expectations and fantasies around sexual activity, including touch.</p><p>“Each partner in a relationship likes to be touched differently. At the beginning of our relationship, we often care a great deal about whether our partner enjoys our touch,” said Abrahams.</p><p>Think back to the beginning of your relationship when things were new and exciting. Over time, we might not care quite as much about what our partner likes and doesn’t like – which is a bit sh**ty.</p><p>“We need to keep caring because this journey is an ever-changing field,” said Abrahams. “Our partner will change across the relationship. We need to understand how they like to be touched physically and sexually at different ages and stages.”</p>		\n			<h3>3. Do they want children or not?</h3>		\n		<p>This one? This is important. While you might be fooled into thinking most couples will suss this out early on in a relationship, sometimes it doesn’t happen.</p><p>“Each partner has their own thoughts about whether they want to be a parent of not. Don’t make any assumptions that your partner’s viewpoint. Make sure you ask the question: Do you want children? Yes/No,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“If they say no, don’t think you will change their mind later. They might, yet more often they won’t. I’ve seen many relationships destroyed by this assumption.”</p><p>“If you both want children, how many do you both want? There will be problems if your partner wants many more children than you, or vice versa.”</p><p>Not only is it important to know whether or not you both want children, but you also should also have a broader idea of what happens if it isn’t possible.</p><p>Struggling to have children can take its toll on any relationship, so you don’t also want to realise that your partner isn’t on board with other avenues you’d be open to, like IVF or adoption. While opinions may change over time, it’s still important to discuss it early so you know where each of you stand.</p><p>Both want to have children? Cool! The next thing you should know is how your partner would want to raise them – because this is just as important.</p><p>“You also need to see where your partner sits in their assumptions about how raising children works,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“Who will potentially pause their career to be the primary carer? You will need to see how well you can navigate these conversations together. The stakes are much higher having these conversations when the child has already entered the world.”</p>		\n			<h3>4. How does your partner relate to money?</h3>		\n		<p>Your partner and money. What does that look like?</p><p>“We all have a relationship to money,” said Abrahams. “This relationship plays itself out based on the stories in our head about money. Is money the root of all evil or does it make the world go round? Our stories can be contradictory, incoherent, and both conscious and unconscious.”</p><p>You’ve heard it a million times before, but one thing most experts will agree on is that the greatest thing couples fight over is money. For this reason, Abrahams said it’s really important to understand your partner so that you can protect your relationship from being spoiled by money issues.</p><p>And there are a lot of different questions you should ask yourself about this.</p><p>“Does your partner fear not having enough money? Or fear losing money? Or continue to feel shame around being a child who didn’t have enough money? Do they comment on your spending too much? Do they throw money around and squander it? Or do they restrict your freedom due to a lack of money? Or do they use money to try to control you?”</p><p>“Money issues can be fraught in relationships. Try to understand how your partner relates to money and the stories they use to describe their relationship with it,” said Abrahams.</p><p>Importantly, she also suggests speaking to your partner about their feelings around debt, mortgages, savings, spending, and separate or shared bank accounts.</p><p>“Ensure you work with them to understand their relationship to money.”</p>		\n			<h3>5. Do they have any unfulfilled dreams that they haven’t shared with you?</h3>		\n		<p>Everyone has dreams and desires – and they can look totally different for each of us.</p><p>“Some partners have a secret desire for the road they haven’t taken. It’s normal to some degree as we always say no to one path when we go down another,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“Find out whether there are paths that can be made room for so your partner can have as rich and fulfilling a life as possible. For example, one partner may be desperate to have a stint living overseas.”</p><p>“If this is possible to work into your lives, then see if it can get off the ground. Some of these may be less possible – like one partner joining the air force – but you can attend air force shows together or watch documentaries or movies together with such themes.”</p><p>Knowing what these are will give you a good idea of your future together and what works for both of you.</p><p>“It’s important to ask your partner how important these dreams are to them, and also whether you, as their partner, could help the dreams become a reality.”</p><p>And there you have it! Some of the most important questions you should be able to answer about your partner.</p><p>How did you go? Did you nail it? Knew you would. You and Jaryd are great together.</p><p><em>For more from Lissy Abrahams, read her e-book on <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/service/what-makes-a-couple-relationship-a-happy-one/\"><strong>what makes a couple a happy one</strong></a>.</em></p><p><em>Lissy Abrahams is a leading individual and couple psychotherapist who has dedicated her career to helping hundreds of clients navigate life’s obstacles and challenges. Lissy studied psychology in Sydney and then completed her Masters at the internationally renowned Tavistock Relationships, a unit of the Tavistock Institute of Medical Psychology in London. Here, she worked therapeutically with couples, as well as lectured and tutored trainee counsellors.</em></p><p><em>Lissy founded and manages the Sydney-based therapy clinic, Heath Group Practice, and works therapeutically with clients around the world. She has published academic work and launched a successful online course to help partners stop fighting and communicate respectfully.</em></p><p><em>Lissy believes we all have the capacity to improve our lives and relationships with the right knowledge and practical strategies. Her mission is to help as many people as possible transform their lives by creating happier and more loving relationships.</em></p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (369886034)</em></p>','5 Questions Everyone Should Be Able to Answer About Their Partner, According to An Expert',' Relationships can be TOUGH. And while things like cheating and trust issues are some very obvious red...','inherit','closed','closed','','5053-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 09:34:10','2022-08-26 09:34:10','',5053,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5122',0,'revision','',0),(5123,3,'2022-08-26 09:34:10','2022-08-26 09:34:10','<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>		\n            <h1>\n                Mamam!a            \n        </h1>\n            Article - source: Mamamia        \n            <h2>\n                5 Questions Everyone Should Be Able to Answer About Their Partner, According to An Expert            \n        </h2>\n            30 May 2022        \n		<p>When it comes to relationships, what are your deal-breakers?</p><p>It might be feeling certain where you want to live, hobbies you want to pursue, career goals you need to support meeting, or the kind of family you want to have.</p><p>Now, what about your partner? What are their non-negotiables?</p><p> </p><p>While it’s totally normal to disagree on certain things (read: sailing around the world with seven children), having an open and honest conversation with your partner about each other’s needs and wants in life is crucial in order to make a relationship work.</p><p>And sometimes having an unconformable conversation now – everything from what gets your partner in the mood to how many kids they want – can save you a whole lotta heartache in the end.</p><p>So, we sat down with relationship therapist Lissy Abrahams and asked her to share some of the most important things you should know about your partner.</p><p>In no particular order – and the order will be determined by the age and stage of the couple – Abrahams said there are five key things you should be able to answer about your romantic partner.</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h3>1. How do they deal with stress, sadness, fear, or pain?</h3>		\n		<p>One of the most crucial things you should know about your partner is how they deal with painful and upsetting life experiences.</p><p>Establishing how your partner copes with difficult emotions – because everyone is different – will help you better understand how you’re able to help each other when stressful things arise.</p><p>“We all have differing capacities for how we tolerate upsetting experiences or physical pain. In general, our ability to tolerate these states stems from whether our parents soothed us in childhood,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“This soothing, across many aspects in childhood, becomes internalised and forms the basis of learning to tolerate distress as adults. We take this ability to cope into [our] relationship with our partner.”</p><p>Abrahams goes on to say that people who can tolerate these feelings are often able to manage unsettling experiences better and understand that difficulties come and go.</p><p>While they can still become upset, distressed, or feel pain, she said they tend to be able to work things out themselves, or talk to their partner, or seek wise counsel from someone in their community or a therapist.</p><p>“The important thing is that they are not fearful of thinking about these emotional states. They want to understand them so they can recover,” she said.</p><p>The other side of it? Those who struggle with difficult emotions.</p><p>“The big difference for those who can’t deal with these feelings or pain is that they need to do something in the external world to make the feelings go away.”</p><p>“These solutions are a way of trying to cope with the pain, but they never actually resolve it. Often, they just make things worse.”</p><p>So, you’re going to want to know if your partner can sit with difficult feelings or not. If not, what do they do?</p><p>“Do they instantly blame you? Block or push back your ideas? Do they become sulky or whiny? Do they isolate themselves from you or become punishing?,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“Do they turn to drugs or alcohol to ease emotional or physical pain? Do they use porn, gamble, or shop excessively to avoid feelings? What about emotional eating or highly rigid restrictions on food?”</p><p>This is a really important one to be able to answer, as it can harm a relationship when we can’t manage difficult states inside of ourselves.</p>		\n			<h3>2. How do they like and not like to be touched physically or sexually?</h3>		\n		<p>Partners can have very different views on intimacy – like how often sex should happen, and their expectations and fantasies around sexual activity, including touch.</p><p>“Each partner in a relationship likes to be touched differently. At the beginning of our relationship, we often care a great deal about whether our partner enjoys our touch,” said Abrahams.</p><p>Think back to the beginning of your relationship when things were new and exciting. Over time, we might not care quite as much about what our partner likes and doesn’t like – which is a bit sh**ty.</p><p>“We need to keep caring because this journey is an ever-changing field,” said Abrahams. “Our partner will change across the relationship. We need to understand how they like to be touched physically and sexually at different ages and stages.”</p>		\n			<h3>3. Do they want children or not?</h3>		\n		<p>This one? This is important. While you might be fooled into thinking most couples will suss this out early on in a relationship, sometimes it doesn’t happen.</p><p>“Each partner has their own thoughts about whether they want to be a parent of not. Don’t make any assumptions that your partner’s viewpoint. Make sure you ask the question: Do you want children? Yes/No,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“If they say no, don’t think you will change their mind later. They might, yet more often they won’t. I’ve seen many relationships destroyed by this assumption.”</p><p>“If you both want children, how many do you both want? There will be problems if your partner wants many more children than you, or vice versa.”</p><p>Not only is it important to know whether or not you both want children, but you also should also have a broader idea of what happens if it isn’t possible.</p><p>Struggling to have children can take its toll on any relationship, so you don’t also want to realise that your partner isn’t on board with other avenues you’d be open to, like IVF or adoption. While opinions may change over time, it’s still important to discuss it early so you know where each of you stand.</p><p>Both want to have children? Cool! The next thing you should know is how your partner would want to raise them – because this is just as important.</p><p>“You also need to see where your partner sits in their assumptions about how raising children works,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“Who will potentially pause their career to be the primary carer? You will need to see how well you can navigate these conversations together. The stakes are much higher having these conversations when the child has already entered the world.”</p>		\n			<h3>4. How does your partner relate to money?</h3>		\n		<p>Your partner and money. What does that look like?</p><p>“We all have a relationship to money,” said Abrahams. “This relationship plays itself out based on the stories in our head about money. Is money the root of all evil or does it make the world go round? Our stories can be contradictory, incoherent, and both conscious and unconscious.”</p><p>You’ve heard it a million times before, but one thing most experts will agree on is that the greatest thing couples fight over is money. For this reason, Abrahams said it’s really important to understand your partner so that you can protect your relationship from being spoiled by money issues.</p><p>And there are a lot of different questions you should ask yourself about this.</p><p>“Does your partner fear not having enough money? Or fear losing money? Or continue to feel shame around being a child who didn’t have enough money? Do they comment on your spending too much? Do they throw money around and squander it? Or do they restrict your freedom due to a lack of money? Or do they use money to try to control you?”</p><p>“Money issues can be fraught in relationships. Try to understand how your partner relates to money and the stories they use to describe their relationship with it,” said Abrahams.</p><p>Importantly, she also suggests speaking to your partner about their feelings around debt, mortgages, savings, spending, and separate or shared bank accounts.</p><p>“Ensure you work with them to understand their relationship to money.”</p>		\n			<h3>5. Do they have any unfulfilled dreams that they haven’t shared with you?</h3>		\n		<p>Everyone has dreams and desires – and they can look totally different for each of us.</p><p>“Some partners have a secret desire for the road they haven’t taken. It’s normal to some degree as we always say no to one path when we go down another,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“Find out whether there are paths that can be made room for so your partner can have as rich and fulfilling a life as possible. For example, one partner may be desperate to have a stint living overseas.”</p><p>“If this is possible to work into your lives, then see if it can get off the ground. Some of these may be less possible – like one partner joining the air force – but you can attend air force shows together or watch documentaries or movies together with such themes.”</p><p>Knowing what these are will give you a good idea of your future together and what works for both of you.</p><p>“It’s important to ask your partner how important these dreams are to them, and also whether you, as their partner, could help the dreams become a reality.”</p><p>And there you have it! Some of the most important questions you should be able to answer about your partner.</p><p>How did you go? Did you nail it? Knew you would. You and Jaryd are great together.</p><p><em>For more from Lissy Abrahams, read her e-book on <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/service/what-makes-a-couple-relationship-a-happy-one/\"><strong>what makes a couple a happy one</strong></a>.</em></p><p><em>Lissy Abrahams is a leading individual and couple psychotherapist who has dedicated her career to helping hundreds of clients navigate life’s obstacles and challenges. Lissy studied psychology in Sydney and then completed her Masters at the internationally renowned Tavistock Relationships, a unit of the Tavistock Institute of Medical Psychology in London. Here, she worked therapeutically with couples, as well as lectured and tutored trainee counsellors.</em></p><p><em>Lissy founded and manages the Sydney-based therapy clinic, Heath Group Practice, and works therapeutically with clients around the world. She has published academic work and launched a successful online course to help partners stop fighting and communicate respectfully.</em></p><p><em>Lissy believes we all have the capacity to improve our lives and relationships with the right knowledge and practical strategies. Her mission is to help as many people as possible transform their lives by creating happier and more loving relationships.</em></p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (369886034)</em></p>','5 Questions Everyone Should Be Able to Answer About Their Partner, According to An Expert',' Relationships can be TOUGH. And while things like cheating and trust issues are some very obvious red...','inherit','closed','closed','','5053-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 09:34:10','2022-08-26 09:34:10','',5053,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5123',0,'revision','',0),(5124,3,'2022-08-26 09:34:10','2022-08-26 09:34:10','<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>		\n            <h1>\n                MamaM!a            \n        </h1>\n            Article - source: Mamamia        \n            <h2>\n                5 Questions Everyone Should Be Able to Answer About Their Partner, According to An Expert            \n        </h2>\n            30 May 2022        \n		<p>When it comes to relationships, what are your deal-breakers?</p><p>It might be feeling certain where you want to live, hobbies you want to pursue, career goals you need to support meeting, or the kind of family you want to have.</p><p>Now, what about your partner? What are their non-negotiables?</p><p> </p><p>While it’s totally normal to disagree on certain things (read: sailing around the world with seven children), having an open and honest conversation with your partner about each other’s needs and wants in life is crucial in order to make a relationship work.</p><p>And sometimes having an unconformable conversation now – everything from what gets your partner in the mood to how many kids they want – can save you a whole lotta heartache in the end.</p><p>So, we sat down with relationship therapist Lissy Abrahams and asked her to share some of the most important things you should know about your partner.</p><p>In no particular order – and the order will be determined by the age and stage of the couple – Abrahams said there are five key things you should be able to answer about your romantic partner.</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h3>1. How do they deal with stress, sadness, fear, or pain?</h3>		\n		<p>One of the most crucial things you should know about your partner is how they deal with painful and upsetting life experiences.</p><p>Establishing how your partner copes with difficult emotions – because everyone is different – will help you better understand how you’re able to help each other when stressful things arise.</p><p>“We all have differing capacities for how we tolerate upsetting experiences or physical pain. In general, our ability to tolerate these states stems from whether our parents soothed us in childhood,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“This soothing, across many aspects in childhood, becomes internalised and forms the basis of learning to tolerate distress as adults. We take this ability to cope into [our] relationship with our partner.”</p><p>Abrahams goes on to say that people who can tolerate these feelings are often able to manage unsettling experiences better and understand that difficulties come and go.</p><p>While they can still become upset, distressed, or feel pain, she said they tend to be able to work things out themselves, or talk to their partner, or seek wise counsel from someone in their community or a therapist.</p><p>“The important thing is that they are not fearful of thinking about these emotional states. They want to understand them so they can recover,” she said.</p><p>The other side of it? Those who struggle with difficult emotions.</p><p>“The big difference for those who can’t deal with these feelings or pain is that they need to do something in the external world to make the feelings go away.”</p><p>“These solutions are a way of trying to cope with the pain, but they never actually resolve it. Often, they just make things worse.”</p><p>So, you’re going to want to know if your partner can sit with difficult feelings or not. If not, what do they do?</p><p>“Do they instantly blame you? Block or push back your ideas? Do they become sulky or whiny? Do they isolate themselves from you or become punishing?,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“Do they turn to drugs or alcohol to ease emotional or physical pain? Do they use porn, gamble, or shop excessively to avoid feelings? What about emotional eating or highly rigid restrictions on food?”</p><p>This is a really important one to be able to answer, as it can harm a relationship when we can’t manage difficult states inside of ourselves.</p>		\n			<h3>2. How do they like and not like to be touched physically or sexually?</h3>		\n		<p>Partners can have very different views on intimacy – like how often sex should happen, and their expectations and fantasies around sexual activity, including touch.</p><p>“Each partner in a relationship likes to be touched differently. At the beginning of our relationship, we often care a great deal about whether our partner enjoys our touch,” said Abrahams.</p><p>Think back to the beginning of your relationship when things were new and exciting. Over time, we might not care quite as much about what our partner likes and doesn’t like – which is a bit sh**ty.</p><p>“We need to keep caring because this journey is an ever-changing field,” said Abrahams. “Our partner will change across the relationship. We need to understand how they like to be touched physically and sexually at different ages and stages.”</p>		\n			<h3>3. Do they want children or not?</h3>		\n		<p>This one? This is important. While you might be fooled into thinking most couples will suss this out early on in a relationship, sometimes it doesn’t happen.</p><p>“Each partner has their own thoughts about whether they want to be a parent of not. Don’t make any assumptions that your partner’s viewpoint. Make sure you ask the question: Do you want children? Yes/No,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“If they say no, don’t think you will change their mind later. They might, yet more often they won’t. I’ve seen many relationships destroyed by this assumption.”</p><p>“If you both want children, how many do you both want? There will be problems if your partner wants many more children than you, or vice versa.”</p><p>Not only is it important to know whether or not you both want children, but you also should also have a broader idea of what happens if it isn’t possible.</p><p>Struggling to have children can take its toll on any relationship, so you don’t also want to realise that your partner isn’t on board with other avenues you’d be open to, like IVF or adoption. While opinions may change over time, it’s still important to discuss it early so you know where each of you stand.</p><p>Both want to have children? Cool! The next thing you should know is how your partner would want to raise them – because this is just as important.</p><p>“You also need to see where your partner sits in their assumptions about how raising children works,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“Who will potentially pause their career to be the primary carer? You will need to see how well you can navigate these conversations together. The stakes are much higher having these conversations when the child has already entered the world.”</p>		\n			<h3>4. How does your partner relate to money?</h3>		\n		<p>Your partner and money. What does that look like?</p><p>“We all have a relationship to money,” said Abrahams. “This relationship plays itself out based on the stories in our head about money. Is money the root of all evil or does it make the world go round? Our stories can be contradictory, incoherent, and both conscious and unconscious.”</p><p>You’ve heard it a million times before, but one thing most experts will agree on is that the greatest thing couples fight over is money. For this reason, Abrahams said it’s really important to understand your partner so that you can protect your relationship from being spoiled by money issues.</p><p>And there are a lot of different questions you should ask yourself about this.</p><p>“Does your partner fear not having enough money? Or fear losing money? Or continue to feel shame around being a child who didn’t have enough money? Do they comment on your spending too much? Do they throw money around and squander it? Or do they restrict your freedom due to a lack of money? Or do they use money to try to control you?”</p><p>“Money issues can be fraught in relationships. Try to understand how your partner relates to money and the stories they use to describe their relationship with it,” said Abrahams.</p><p>Importantly, she also suggests speaking to your partner about their feelings around debt, mortgages, savings, spending, and separate or shared bank accounts.</p><p>“Ensure you work with them to understand their relationship to money.”</p>		\n			<h3>5. Do they have any unfulfilled dreams that they haven’t shared with you?</h3>		\n		<p>Everyone has dreams and desires – and they can look totally different for each of us.</p><p>“Some partners have a secret desire for the road they haven’t taken. It’s normal to some degree as we always say no to one path when we go down another,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“Find out whether there are paths that can be made room for so your partner can have as rich and fulfilling a life as possible. For example, one partner may be desperate to have a stint living overseas.”</p><p>“If this is possible to work into your lives, then see if it can get off the ground. Some of these may be less possible – like one partner joining the air force – but you can attend air force shows together or watch documentaries or movies together with such themes.”</p><p>Knowing what these are will give you a good idea of your future together and what works for both of you.</p><p>“It’s important to ask your partner how important these dreams are to them, and also whether you, as their partner, could help the dreams become a reality.”</p><p>And there you have it! Some of the most important questions you should be able to answer about your partner.</p><p>How did you go? Did you nail it? Knew you would. You and Jaryd are great together.</p><p><em>For more from Lissy Abrahams, read her e-book on <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/service/what-makes-a-couple-relationship-a-happy-one/\"><strong>what makes a couple a happy one</strong></a>.</em></p><p><em>Lissy Abrahams is a leading individual and couple psychotherapist who has dedicated her career to helping hundreds of clients navigate life’s obstacles and challenges. Lissy studied psychology in Sydney and then completed her Masters at the internationally renowned Tavistock Relationships, a unit of the Tavistock Institute of Medical Psychology in London. Here, she worked therapeutically with couples, as well as lectured and tutored trainee counsellors.</em></p><p><em>Lissy founded and manages the Sydney-based therapy clinic, Heath Group Practice, and works therapeutically with clients around the world. She has published academic work and launched a successful online course to help partners stop fighting and communicate respectfully.</em></p><p><em>Lissy believes we all have the capacity to improve our lives and relationships with the right knowledge and practical strategies. Her mission is to help as many people as possible transform their lives by creating happier and more loving relationships.</em></p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (369886034)</em></p>','5 Questions Everyone Should Be Able to Answer About Their Partner, According to An Expert',' Relationships can be TOUGH. And while things like cheating and trust issues are some very obvious red...','inherit','closed','closed','','5053-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 09:34:10','2022-08-26 09:34:10','',5053,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5124',0,'revision','',0),(5125,3,'2022-08-26 09:34:56','2022-08-26 09:34:56','<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>		\n            <h1>\n                Mamam!a            \n        </h1>\n            Article - source: Mamamia        \n            <h2>\n                There Are Only 2 Types of Friends Everyone Needs in Their Life, According to a Psychotherapist            \n        </h2>\n            5 May 2022        \n		<p>When it comes to relationships, more often than not you’ll find us talking about the rollercoaster ride that is romance and dating – the red flags! The green flags! Ghosting! The whole shebang.</p><p> </p><p>However, in my years of writing about relationships and interviewing psychologists, if there’s one thing I’ve learnt it’s this: our relationships with our friends are more important than we might think. And they can largely affect our happiness and our health. Yes, really!</p><p>Ask any expert and they’ll tell you that the need for a friendship and connection runs deep – it’s something that’s just built into us.</p><p>Psychotherapist Lissy Abrahams said, “Humans are social animals have always needed friendships and connections with others for their survival. Primitive man faced impending death when isolated from family and friends, as they were rather weak compared to other creatures in the wild. Forming friendships allowed us to be stronger than any one individual.”</p><p>“As social animals we originally formed trusting connections with others to help each other obtain food, shelter, and ward off predators. Even though we no longer live in the wild, we are still hard-wired for this form of interconnectedness.”</p><p>Interesting, no?</p><p>“We still connect with others because our drive to survive still exists and tells us to catch up with people, make new friends when we move to a new area or new workplace. We are still wired to seek belonging and connection, we’re just not aware why.”</p><p>Research even tells us that people with strong friendships are more likely to live longer. It can also benefit your mental health, as different friends can provide different emotional needs.</p><p>“With friends in our life we typically live longer, some studies even suggest friends can add years to our lives. They are good for us in so many ways,” adds Abrahams.</p><p>Looking back at the COVID-19 lockdowns and our mental health during the pandemic, it’s easy to see how what can happen to our state of mind when we didn’t share that face-to-face connection with friends.</p><p>“Whilst we try to make the most of it with online catch-ups, drinks and dress-ups, we still missed being in the same space as friends. The mental health of millions around the world plummeted. Our psychological distress was real. Our reliance on alcohol and drugs skyrocketed.”</p><p>So, yeah. Friendship is pretty integral to our health.</p><p>But making friends, learning how to be a friend, and how to keep good friends is something we’re constantly learning and re-learning – no matter how old we are.</p><p>According to Abrahams, there are two main types of friends you should surround yourself with.</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h3>1. Geographical Friends</h3>		\n		<p>The first type of friends you should have are geographical friends. That is, the friends you make because you share a particular location with them.</p><p>“Remember, building communities is primitively wired into our DNA. It’s what we do. So, if you’re in a new environment, you’ll be on the lookout for connection with others, as this will increase your desire for safety,” said Abrahams.</p><p>Bless!</p><p>“If you join a new gym, school, workplace, or move to a new neighbourhood your mind will be checking out those in your vicinity for future friendship. We cannot underestimate the importance of these connections, as they enrich the new environment.”</p><p>“For example, a friendly neighbour keeps an eye on you and notices things that may be somewhat out of kilter for you at home or in the area. They may offer support when you go through hard times or enliven your home when you catch up.”</p><p>The same logic applies to workmates.</p><p>If you’ve worked in an environment where you didn’t feel you had a friend or someone you could vent to during a stressful day, you’ll know how much it sucks. It’s not that you need to hang out outside of the office – but having a support system at work is crucial.</p><p>“We spend more of our waking hours at work than we do at home. Good work friendships can make or break a job. Some jobs may be dull, even somewhat depressing, yet the friendships make it great. Friends help you look forward to going to work and enjoying your time together,” said Abrahams</p><p>The not-so-good part? These type of friendships don’t always last.</p><p>“If we move jobs or finish university, we may not remain in contact. If we go to a new gym, we may ease off contact with our previous gym buddy,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“This can be confusing for some people as they thought the relationship was important irrespective of the current environment.”</p><p>However, thanks to social media, these days it’s so much easier to keep in touch with geographical friends, “as not everyone wants to make lengthy phone calls or ‘how are you?’ emails,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“If we maintain geographical friendships out of a particular environment they become intentional friendships, no longer bound by the geographic proximity.”</p><p>Which brings us to…</p>		\n			<h3>2. Intentional Friends</h3>		\n		<p>“Intentional friends are those you maintain as you have shared values and provide meaning, offer support, interest, and joy to your life,” shares Abrahams.</p><p>These particular friends can be split up into six different sub-categories:</p><p><b>a) One or more full-spectrum best friends</b></p><p>Whether you’re having second thoughts about your relationship or stressing about your career, a full-spectrum best friend is there to help guide you in the right direction and pull you through the tough times.</p><p>“These friends are there both in the good and bad times and everything in between. They’re the go-to friends for happy news and celebrations. They can share your joy, and they can also unconditionally love and support you through some pretty hairy times.”</p><p>“Full-spectrum best friends may not always like your behaviour or opinions, but they don’t judge you or pull away. They’re loyal and would show their support of you to others even if you’re absent.”</p><p>“These best friends help you find light and laughter even in dark times. They sit with you and are not afraid of your grief or distress, whether it’s a breakup, loss of a job, or sickness. They show you through actions and words that you’re not alone.”</p><p><b>b) The completely honest friend</b></p><p>Ah. The brutally honest friend. These kinds of friends don’t tiptoe around anything and aren’t worried they’re going to hurt your feelings – they always remain genuine and open and aren’t afraid to tell you the truth.</p><p>“These friends don’t play along with social niceties and are honest with you all the time. They speak their mind, call your BS, and tell you how they feel about your life. They may sound judgemental, yet they’re often trying to support or even protect you,” said Abrahams.</p><p>The thing about completely honest friends is that they know your relationship is strong enough to sustain the truth. So, while it’s not always easy (it might even hurt a little), they’re not scared to tell you where you can improve.</p><p>And honestly, they’re so important to have in your life.</p><p>“They will tell you whether you are being unfair to your partner or too harsh with your kids. They will tell you if you’re being treated appallingly and need to get out of your relationship or a dead-end job. Their honesty is how they show they value you.”</p><p><b>c) A mentor friend</b></p><p>Yes, friendships and mentors can co-exist.</p><p>“We no longer live in tribes with wise elders to tap into. We have less contact with religious figures offering advice, and we no longer believe politicians can guide us honestly without their self-interest flaunted in our face. Having friends who are mentors is critical for guiding, advising, thinking through options and opening possibilities.”</p><p>Most mentor relationships play a consistent role in your life and will help you challenge your assumptions and give you the insights, advice and support you need to thrive.</p><p>“These friends are wise and can analyse situations and hold complexity in mind. They steer clear of black and white simplistic thinking. They’ve lived a bit, learnt lessons along the way, and are happy to share their experiences to support your journey.”</p><p><b>d) A ‘like a mum’ friend</b></p><p>This one – this one’s important. The ‘mum’ friend is that one friend in your circle that’s responsible, caring and always protective of you.</p><p>“This is the friend who shows up at your door when they hear a wobble in your voice. They see themselves as part of the solution to the wobble and able to offer comfort. You feel safe to be vulnerable in their presence and even be held by them when you cry,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“They’ll fix a meal, encourage you to eat and get you more tissues for your tears and snot. They’re reassuring about the future being better than this moment of distress or pain.”</p><p>We’re not crying, you’re crying!</p><p><b>e) The encouraging friend</b></p><p>“This is the friend who wants you to grow and supports your development. They encourage you to expand your life experiences whether through travel, study, or career change.”</p><p>Encouraging friends push us out of our comfort zones and where we need to go, making us aware that we can always do better. These kinds of friends believe in you, they know you’re capable, and they’re always ready to cheer you on from the side-line.</p><p>“They’re not fearful of a little risk for a greater reward and want you to have an experience-rich life too. For example, they may encourage you to travel for a year even if it means you’re not around for them. They see your growth as separate from their own lives.”</p><p><b>f) The friend ‘I do that with’</b></p><p>You know the one. This is the person who’s always down to hang out. You’re bored on a Sunday arvo with nothing to do? This is who you call.</p><p>“It’s great to have friends you have shared specific experiences with. This could be someone who loves exercising with you, walking dogs, going to the movies or comedy shows with. The friendship thrives as you both love and value the experience. It could be your shared thing is nightclubbing or festivals or playing cards or sharing your Wordle results with every day.”</p><p>“The friend ‘I do that with’ may also relate to the content and quality of the interaction. Some friendships thrive on having interesting philosophical/life discussions or talking complete s**t together. This type of friend could be the friend you have the greatest laughs with or have amazing ideas and feel creative with.”</p><p>Want to hear more? We’ve got you covered! Check out this e-book on <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/service/what-makes-a-couple-relationship-a-happy-one/\"><strong>what makes a couple relationship a happy one</strong></a>.</p>','There Are Only 2 Types of Friends Everyone Needs in Their Life, According to a Psychotherapist',' Relationships can be TOUGH. And while things like cheating and trust issues are some very obvious red...','inherit','closed','closed','','5058-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 09:34:56','2022-08-26 09:34:56','',5058,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5125',0,'revision','',0),(5126,3,'2022-08-26 09:34:56','2022-08-26 09:34:56','<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>		\n            <h1>\n                Mamam!a            \n        </h1>\n            Article - source: Mamamia        \n            <h2>\n                There Are Only 2 Types of Friends Everyone Needs in Their Life, According to a Psychotherapist            \n        </h2>\n            5 May 2022        \n		<p>When it comes to relationships, more often than not you’ll find us talking about the rollercoaster ride that is romance and dating – the red flags! The green flags! Ghosting! The whole shebang.</p><p> </p><p>However, in my years of writing about relationships and interviewing psychologists, if there’s one thing I’ve learnt it’s this: our relationships with our friends are more important than we might think. And they can largely affect our happiness and our health. Yes, really!</p><p>Ask any expert and they’ll tell you that the need for a friendship and connection runs deep – it’s something that’s just built into us.</p><p>Psychotherapist Lissy Abrahams said, “Humans are social animals have always needed friendships and connections with others for their survival. Primitive man faced impending death when isolated from family and friends, as they were rather weak compared to other creatures in the wild. Forming friendships allowed us to be stronger than any one individual.”</p><p>“As social animals we originally formed trusting connections with others to help each other obtain food, shelter, and ward off predators. Even though we no longer live in the wild, we are still hard-wired for this form of interconnectedness.”</p><p>Interesting, no?</p><p>“We still connect with others because our drive to survive still exists and tells us to catch up with people, make new friends when we move to a new area or new workplace. We are still wired to seek belonging and connection, we’re just not aware why.”</p><p>Research even tells us that people with strong friendships are more likely to live longer. It can also benefit your mental health, as different friends can provide different emotional needs.</p><p>“With friends in our life we typically live longer, some studies even suggest friends can add years to our lives. They are good for us in so many ways,” adds Abrahams.</p><p>Looking back at the COVID-19 lockdowns and our mental health during the pandemic, it’s easy to see how what can happen to our state of mind when we didn’t share that face-to-face connection with friends.</p><p>“Whilst we try to make the most of it with online catch-ups, drinks and dress-ups, we still missed being in the same space as friends. The mental health of millions around the world plummeted. Our psychological distress was real. Our reliance on alcohol and drugs skyrocketed.”</p><p>So, yeah. Friendship is pretty integral to our health.</p><p>But making friends, learning how to be a friend, and how to keep good friends is something we’re constantly learning and re-learning – no matter how old we are.</p><p>According to Abrahams, there are two main types of friends you should surround yourself with.</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h3>1. Geographical Friends</h3>		\n		<p>The first type of friends you should have are geographical friends. That is, the friends you make because you share a particular location with them.</p><p>“Remember, building communities is primitively wired into our DNA. It’s what we do. So, if you’re in a new environment, you’ll be on the lookout for connection with others, as this will increase your desire for safety,” said Abrahams.</p><p>Bless!</p><p>“If you join a new gym, school, workplace, or move to a new neighbourhood your mind will be checking out those in your vicinity for future friendship. We cannot underestimate the importance of these connections, as they enrich the new environment.”</p><p>“For example, a friendly neighbour keeps an eye on you and notices things that may be somewhat out of kilter for you at home or in the area. They may offer support when you go through hard times or enliven your home when you catch up.”</p><p>The same logic applies to workmates.</p><p>If you’ve worked in an environment where you didn’t feel you had a friend or someone you could vent to during a stressful day, you’ll know how much it sucks. It’s not that you need to hang out outside of the office – but having a support system at work is crucial.</p><p>“We spend more of our waking hours at work than we do at home. Good work friendships can make or break a job. Some jobs may be dull, even somewhat depressing, yet the friendships make it great. Friends help you look forward to going to work and enjoying your time together,” said Abrahams</p><p>The not-so-good part? These type of friendships don’t always last.</p><p>“If we move jobs or finish university, we may not remain in contact. If we go to a new gym, we may ease off contact with our previous gym buddy,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“This can be confusing for some people as they thought the relationship was important irrespective of the current environment.”</p><p>However, thanks to social media, these days it’s so much easier to keep in touch with geographical friends, “as not everyone wants to make lengthy phone calls or ‘how are you?’ emails,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“If we maintain geographical friendships out of a particular environment they become intentional friendships, no longer bound by the geographic proximity.”</p><p>Which brings us to…</p>		\n			<h3>2. Intentional Friends</h3>		\n		<p>“Intentional friends are those you maintain as you have shared values and provide meaning, offer support, interest, and joy to your life,” shares Abrahams.</p><p>These particular friends can be split up into six different sub-categories:</p><p><b>a) One or more full-spectrum best friends</b></p><p>Whether you’re having second thoughts about your relationship or stressing about your career, a full-spectrum best friend is there to help guide you in the right direction and pull you through the tough times.</p><p>“These friends are there both in the good and bad times and everything in between. They’re the go-to friends for happy news and celebrations. They can share your joy, and they can also unconditionally love and support you through some pretty hairy times.”</p><p>“Full-spectrum best friends may not always like your behaviour or opinions, but they don’t judge you or pull away. They’re loyal and would show their support of you to others even if you’re absent.”</p><p>“These best friends help you find light and laughter even in dark times. They sit with you and are not afraid of your grief or distress, whether it’s a breakup, loss of a job, or sickness. They show you through actions and words that you’re not alone.”</p><p><b>b) The completely honest friend</b></p><p>Ah. The brutally honest friend. These kinds of friends don’t tiptoe around anything and aren’t worried they’re going to hurt your feelings – they always remain genuine and open and aren’t afraid to tell you the truth.</p><p>“These friends don’t play along with social niceties and are honest with you all the time. They speak their mind, call your BS, and tell you how they feel about your life. They may sound judgemental, yet they’re often trying to support or even protect you,” said Abrahams.</p><p>The thing about completely honest friends is that they know your relationship is strong enough to sustain the truth. So, while it’s not always easy (it might even hurt a little), they’re not scared to tell you where you can improve.</p><p>And honestly, they’re so important to have in your life.</p><p>“They will tell you whether you are being unfair to your partner or too harsh with your kids. They will tell you if you’re being treated appallingly and need to get out of your relationship or a dead-end job. Their honesty is how they show they value you.”</p><p><b>c) A mentor friend</b></p><p>Yes, friendships and mentors can co-exist.</p><p>“We no longer live in tribes with wise elders to tap into. We have less contact with religious figures offering advice, and we no longer believe politicians can guide us honestly without their self-interest flaunted in our face. Having friends who are mentors is critical for guiding, advising, thinking through options and opening possibilities.”</p><p>Most mentor relationships play a consistent role in your life and will help you challenge your assumptions and give you the insights, advice and support you need to thrive.</p><p>“These friends are wise and can analyse situations and hold complexity in mind. They steer clear of black and white simplistic thinking. They’ve lived a bit, learnt lessons along the way, and are happy to share their experiences to support your journey.”</p><p><b>d) A ‘like a mum’ friend</b></p><p>This one – this one’s important. The ‘mum’ friend is that one friend in your circle that’s responsible, caring and always protective of you.</p><p>“This is the friend who shows up at your door when they hear a wobble in your voice. They see themselves as part of the solution to the wobble and able to offer comfort. You feel safe to be vulnerable in their presence and even be held by them when you cry,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“They’ll fix a meal, encourage you to eat and get you more tissues for your tears and snot. They’re reassuring about the future being better than this moment of distress or pain.”</p><p>We’re not crying, you’re crying!</p><p><b>e) The encouraging friend</b></p><p>“This is the friend who wants you to grow and supports your development. They encourage you to expand your life experiences whether through travel, study, or career change.”</p><p>Encouraging friends push us out of our comfort zones and where we need to go, making us aware that we can always do better. These kinds of friends believe in you, they know you’re capable, and they’re always ready to cheer you on from the side-line.</p><p>“They’re not fearful of a little risk for a greater reward and want you to have an experience-rich life too. For example, they may encourage you to travel for a year even if it means you’re not around for them. They see your growth as separate from their own lives.”</p><p><b>f) The friend ‘I do that with’</b></p><p>You know the one. This is the person who’s always down to hang out. You’re bored on a Sunday arvo with nothing to do? This is who you call.</p><p>“It’s great to have friends you have shared specific experiences with. This could be someone who loves exercising with you, walking dogs, going to the movies or comedy shows with. The friendship thrives as you both love and value the experience. It could be your shared thing is nightclubbing or festivals or playing cards or sharing your Wordle results with every day.”</p><p>“The friend ‘I do that with’ may also relate to the content and quality of the interaction. Some friendships thrive on having interesting philosophical/life discussions or talking complete s**t together. This type of friend could be the friend you have the greatest laughs with or have amazing ideas and feel creative with.”</p><p>Want to hear more? We’ve got you covered! Check out this e-book on <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/service/what-makes-a-couple-relationship-a-happy-one/\"><strong>what makes a couple relationship a happy one</strong></a>.</p>','There Are Only 2 Types of Friends Everyone Needs in Their Life, According to a Psychotherapist',' Relationships can be TOUGH. And while things like cheating and trust issues are some very obvious red...','inherit','closed','closed','','5058-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 09:34:56','2022-08-26 09:34:56','',5058,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5126',0,'revision','',0),(5127,3,'2022-08-26 09:34:57','2022-08-26 09:34:57','<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>		\n            <h1>\n                MamaM!a            \n        </h1>\n            Article - source: Mamamia        \n            <h2>\n                There Are Only 2 Types of Friends Everyone Needs in Their Life, According to a Psychotherapist            \n        </h2>\n            5 May 2022        \n		<p>When it comes to relationships, more often than not you’ll find us talking about the rollercoaster ride that is romance and dating – the red flags! The green flags! Ghosting! The whole shebang.</p><p> </p><p>However, in my years of writing about relationships and interviewing psychologists, if there’s one thing I’ve learnt it’s this: our relationships with our friends are more important than we might think. And they can largely affect our happiness and our health. Yes, really!</p><p>Ask any expert and they’ll tell you that the need for a friendship and connection runs deep – it’s something that’s just built into us.</p><p>Psychotherapist Lissy Abrahams said, “Humans are social animals have always needed friendships and connections with others for their survival. Primitive man faced impending death when isolated from family and friends, as they were rather weak compared to other creatures in the wild. Forming friendships allowed us to be stronger than any one individual.”</p><p>“As social animals we originally formed trusting connections with others to help each other obtain food, shelter, and ward off predators. Even though we no longer live in the wild, we are still hard-wired for this form of interconnectedness.”</p><p>Interesting, no?</p><p>“We still connect with others because our drive to survive still exists and tells us to catch up with people, make new friends when we move to a new area or new workplace. We are still wired to seek belonging and connection, we’re just not aware why.”</p><p>Research even tells us that people with strong friendships are more likely to live longer. It can also benefit your mental health, as different friends can provide different emotional needs.</p><p>“With friends in our life we typically live longer, some studies even suggest friends can add years to our lives. They are good for us in so many ways,” adds Abrahams.</p><p>Looking back at the COVID-19 lockdowns and our mental health during the pandemic, it’s easy to see how what can happen to our state of mind when we didn’t share that face-to-face connection with friends.</p><p>“Whilst we try to make the most of it with online catch-ups, drinks and dress-ups, we still missed being in the same space as friends. The mental health of millions around the world plummeted. Our psychological distress was real. Our reliance on alcohol and drugs skyrocketed.”</p><p>So, yeah. Friendship is pretty integral to our health.</p><p>But making friends, learning how to be a friend, and how to keep good friends is something we’re constantly learning and re-learning – no matter how old we are.</p><p>According to Abrahams, there are two main types of friends you should surround yourself with.</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h3>1. Geographical Friends</h3>		\n		<p>The first type of friends you should have are geographical friends. That is, the friends you make because you share a particular location with them.</p><p>“Remember, building communities is primitively wired into our DNA. It’s what we do. So, if you’re in a new environment, you’ll be on the lookout for connection with others, as this will increase your desire for safety,” said Abrahams.</p><p>Bless!</p><p>“If you join a new gym, school, workplace, or move to a new neighbourhood your mind will be checking out those in your vicinity for future friendship. We cannot underestimate the importance of these connections, as they enrich the new environment.”</p><p>“For example, a friendly neighbour keeps an eye on you and notices things that may be somewhat out of kilter for you at home or in the area. They may offer support when you go through hard times or enliven your home when you catch up.”</p><p>The same logic applies to workmates.</p><p>If you’ve worked in an environment where you didn’t feel you had a friend or someone you could vent to during a stressful day, you’ll know how much it sucks. It’s not that you need to hang out outside of the office – but having a support system at work is crucial.</p><p>“We spend more of our waking hours at work than we do at home. Good work friendships can make or break a job. Some jobs may be dull, even somewhat depressing, yet the friendships make it great. Friends help you look forward to going to work and enjoying your time together,” said Abrahams</p><p>The not-so-good part? These type of friendships don’t always last.</p><p>“If we move jobs or finish university, we may not remain in contact. If we go to a new gym, we may ease off contact with our previous gym buddy,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“This can be confusing for some people as they thought the relationship was important irrespective of the current environment.”</p><p>However, thanks to social media, these days it’s so much easier to keep in touch with geographical friends, “as not everyone wants to make lengthy phone calls or ‘how are you?’ emails,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“If we maintain geographical friendships out of a particular environment they become intentional friendships, no longer bound by the geographic proximity.”</p><p>Which brings us to…</p>		\n			<h3>2. Intentional Friends</h3>		\n		<p>“Intentional friends are those you maintain as you have shared values and provide meaning, offer support, interest, and joy to your life,” shares Abrahams.</p><p>These particular friends can be split up into six different sub-categories:</p><p><b>a) One or more full-spectrum best friends</b></p><p>Whether you’re having second thoughts about your relationship or stressing about your career, a full-spectrum best friend is there to help guide you in the right direction and pull you through the tough times.</p><p>“These friends are there both in the good and bad times and everything in between. They’re the go-to friends for happy news and celebrations. They can share your joy, and they can also unconditionally love and support you through some pretty hairy times.”</p><p>“Full-spectrum best friends may not always like your behaviour or opinions, but they don’t judge you or pull away. They’re loyal and would show their support of you to others even if you’re absent.”</p><p>“These best friends help you find light and laughter even in dark times. They sit with you and are not afraid of your grief or distress, whether it’s a breakup, loss of a job, or sickness. They show you through actions and words that you’re not alone.”</p><p><b>b) The completely honest friend</b></p><p>Ah. The brutally honest friend. These kinds of friends don’t tiptoe around anything and aren’t worried they’re going to hurt your feelings – they always remain genuine and open and aren’t afraid to tell you the truth.</p><p>“These friends don’t play along with social niceties and are honest with you all the time. They speak their mind, call your BS, and tell you how they feel about your life. They may sound judgemental, yet they’re often trying to support or even protect you,” said Abrahams.</p><p>The thing about completely honest friends is that they know your relationship is strong enough to sustain the truth. So, while it’s not always easy (it might even hurt a little), they’re not scared to tell you where you can improve.</p><p>And honestly, they’re so important to have in your life.</p><p>“They will tell you whether you are being unfair to your partner or too harsh with your kids. They will tell you if you’re being treated appallingly and need to get out of your relationship or a dead-end job. Their honesty is how they show they value you.”</p><p><b>c) A mentor friend</b></p><p>Yes, friendships and mentors can co-exist.</p><p>“We no longer live in tribes with wise elders to tap into. We have less contact with religious figures offering advice, and we no longer believe politicians can guide us honestly without their self-interest flaunted in our face. Having friends who are mentors is critical for guiding, advising, thinking through options and opening possibilities.”</p><p>Most mentor relationships play a consistent role in your life and will help you challenge your assumptions and give you the insights, advice and support you need to thrive.</p><p>“These friends are wise and can analyse situations and hold complexity in mind. They steer clear of black and white simplistic thinking. They’ve lived a bit, learnt lessons along the way, and are happy to share their experiences to support your journey.”</p><p><b>d) A ‘like a mum’ friend</b></p><p>This one – this one’s important. The ‘mum’ friend is that one friend in your circle that’s responsible, caring and always protective of you.</p><p>“This is the friend who shows up at your door when they hear a wobble in your voice. They see themselves as part of the solution to the wobble and able to offer comfort. You feel safe to be vulnerable in their presence and even be held by them when you cry,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“They’ll fix a meal, encourage you to eat and get you more tissues for your tears and snot. They’re reassuring about the future being better than this moment of distress or pain.”</p><p>We’re not crying, you’re crying!</p><p><b>e) The encouraging friend</b></p><p>“This is the friend who wants you to grow and supports your development. They encourage you to expand your life experiences whether through travel, study, or career change.”</p><p>Encouraging friends push us out of our comfort zones and where we need to go, making us aware that we can always do better. These kinds of friends believe in you, they know you’re capable, and they’re always ready to cheer you on from the side-line.</p><p>“They’re not fearful of a little risk for a greater reward and want you to have an experience-rich life too. For example, they may encourage you to travel for a year even if it means you’re not around for them. They see your growth as separate from their own lives.”</p><p><b>f) The friend ‘I do that with’</b></p><p>You know the one. This is the person who’s always down to hang out. You’re bored on a Sunday arvo with nothing to do? This is who you call.</p><p>“It’s great to have friends you have shared specific experiences with. This could be someone who loves exercising with you, walking dogs, going to the movies or comedy shows with. The friendship thrives as you both love and value the experience. It could be your shared thing is nightclubbing or festivals or playing cards or sharing your Wordle results with every day.”</p><p>“The friend ‘I do that with’ may also relate to the content and quality of the interaction. Some friendships thrive on having interesting philosophical/life discussions or talking complete s**t together. This type of friend could be the friend you have the greatest laughs with or have amazing ideas and feel creative with.”</p><p>Want to hear more? We’ve got you covered! Check out this e-book on <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/service/what-makes-a-couple-relationship-a-happy-one/\"><strong>what makes a couple relationship a happy one</strong></a>.</p>','There Are Only 2 Types of Friends Everyone Needs in Their Life, According to a Psychotherapist',' Relationships can be TOUGH. And while things like cheating and trust issues are some very obvious red...','inherit','closed','closed','','5058-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 09:34:57','2022-08-26 09:34:57','',5058,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5127',0,'revision','',0),(5128,3,'2022-08-26 09:35:42','2022-08-26 09:35:42','<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>		\n            <h1>\n                Mamam!a            \n        </h1>\n            Article - source: Mamamia        \n            <h2>\n                7 Signs You’re An Empath And What This Means, According To An Expert            \n        </h2>\n            22 March 2022        \n		<p>We all have those people in our life who just *get* you. You know the ones. The friends that can instantly read your feelings and know what’s going on. Then there are those people you’ve known who are a little… disconnected from the feelings of those around them.</p><p>That’s because there are some people in society who are more prone to empathy than others. In fact, more so than most ‘normal’ people.</p><p> </p><p>According to Dr Judith Orloff, psychiatrist and author of The Empath’s Survival Guide, each of us sit at different levels of an empathy scale.</p><p>Dr Orloff describes it as a spectrum, where there’s people with no empathy (narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths), regular people who have empathy, highly sensitive people, and at the other end of the spectrum are empaths.</p><p>Interesting!</p><p>And no, before you even ask – it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you.</p><p>“Researchers have found that empaths have more active mirror neurons – this means they can tap into the micro-changes in others,” said psychotherapist Lissy Abrahams.</p><p>“Whilst this ability is helpful at times, it can be problematic for empaths as they’re overworking in the emotional domain, often soaking up too much. Sometimes they can be filled up with feelings yet have no idea where they originated,” she adds.</p><p>Sound familiar?</p><p>Here’s absolutely everything you need to know about empaths – including what it means and how to tell if you are one.</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h3>What is an empath?</h3>		\n		<p>Being an empath means a little more than just being a sensitive person or being really empathetic to others – it’s a whole other level.</p><p>“Empaths are acutely aware of other people’s emotions and can often feel these emotions within themselves,” explains Abrahams.</p><p>“Empaths connect with people emotionally and can easily understand them. It’s not a mental exercise but an intuitive ability. It’s their gut instinct.”</p><p>And while it’s something that can be seen as a beneficial trait, there are some occasional disadvantages of feeling too much, too deeply.</p><p>Because not only do empaths feel intuitively connected within themselves, but they often internalise the feelings and pain of others, too.</p><p>“Empaths are emotionally porous, like a sponge absorbing other people’s emotional information. They can see where people suffer and often like to ease it,” said Abrahams.</p>		\n			<h3>How do you know if you’re an empath?</h3>		\n		<p>Are you the kind of person who always avoids cringe-y or violent TV shows? Do you have a fear you’re going to disappoint people? Tend to overthink someone else’s feelings for days on end?</p><p>You might be an empath.</p><p>To find out what kind of characteristics are associated with empaths, we asked Abrahams to share some of the most common signs to look out for. Below are seven of them:</p>		\n			<h3>1. You are affected by other people’s emotions and can take them on</h3>		\n		<p>“You have an incredibly highly attuned emotional radar that’s always on and can detect slight alterations in the emotional experience of others,” said Abrahams.</p><p>This could be from micro changes in facial expressions, gestures, a tone of voice, volume of voice, body language, or mood shifts, she adds.</p><p>“You can feel someone else’s feelings that they themselves may have no awareness of.”</p><p>Just to quickly reiterate that point – you can literally feel someone else’s feelings BEFORE they feel them.</p><p>Sounds… exhausting.</p><p>“Some empaths choose to live alone and have a haven from being swamped by other people’s emotional states. Empaths can find it difficult to live with a partner as their partner’s mood and energy will impact them,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“If they live with their partner or a flatmate, they will need a space that’s their own to decompress and recalibrate.”</p>		\n			<h3>2. You can understand other people’s perspective easily.\n</h3>		\n		<p>According to Abrahams, empaths possess the ability to see life through a unique perspective which has been shaped by our own experiences, as well as through conscious and unconscious messages they’ve absorbed throughout life.</p><p>“You can see other’s perspectives and stand in their shoes. This ability is a bonus, as many people can’t move away from their own viewpoint, causing them to be harsh or judgemental of others,” adds Abrahams.</p><p>Due to these qualities, empaths have high emotional intelligence. “They can be great leaders, and also valuable team members.”</p><p>“They also are able to tell when someone is lying to them – their gut will feel that something is off kilter. They’ll detect the small cues of a lie and feel the residue inside them.”</p><p>Note to self: Never try to fool an empath.</p>		\n			<h3>3. You are receptive to the environment around you</h3>		\n		<p>Empaths are more attuned to their environment than the average person, meaning their mental health can be affected by subtle energies in their environment – including light, sounds and other sources of stimulation.</p><p>“As an empath you will be more able to feel the energy of different physical environments. You’ll be sensitive too, as your finely attuned radar picks up information in that particular environment.”</p><p>“Some empaths feel completely drained by an environment that feels un-alive and uplifted by the energy in other spaces.”</p>		\n			<h3>4. You’ve been a therapist to your peers since school</h3>		\n		<p>“If you’re an empath, you’ve been helping people with their emotions since school days,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“You were the person your peers turned to for advice and they viewed you as wise counsel. This is because you knew how to see other perspectives and could connect with their emotional experiences.”</p><p>Because empaths have the ability to deeply feel another person’s problems and needs, they often know how to support others and what kind of comfort or encouragement they need. Their personalities are often healing and calming in times of crisis.</p><p>Abrahams said, “Many therapists are empaths – they too have been training since they were young. They intuitively understand about the ego and how defensively humans react when they are startled, hurt or why certain feelings arise.”</p><p>“As adults, they train in this field to further understand the human mind and motivations, and then want to help people decrease their suffering and distress.”</p>		\n			<h3>5. You can’t relax while watching TV</h3>		\n		<p>“Do you find sitting down to watch a thriller from beginning to end too hard? Many empaths can’t watch shows with too much tension.”</p><p>According to Abrahams, empaths have heightened startle responses which often prevents them being able to tolerate certain TV shows, movies, or certain styles or volume of music.</p><p>“Sitting with an empath watching TV is confusing for some people. They only need to hear tension music and they can be off their seat and walking away from the screen. Any violence – even implied violence – can be too much to bear.”</p><p>While empaths obviously understand what they’re watching is not real, Abrahams said their intense ability to connect with a character still creates enormous discomfort. They never know when the tension or suspense will increase – so often it becomes too much to handle.</p><p>“Their hearts will race and with their mirror neurons observing the character on the screen – they experience the fearful sensations too. They often need to physically remove themselves to calm down. It’s just too much for their mind and body and becomes unenjoyable tension.”</p>		\n			<h3>6. You may also connect with people’s physical injuries or illnesses</h3>		\n		<p>“Are you able to feel physical sensations when you’re around someone with physical injuries or an illness? Empaths feel these sensations in areas of their body similar to the location of the other person’s injury or illness. This is the level of their attunement.”</p><p>Empaths are able to feel physical sensations to other people’s emotional states, Abrahams said. They tap into their anxiety or sadness and then feel this as physical sensations in their system too.</p><p>Pretty crazy, huh?</p><p>“These could be heart rate increases, shaking hands, a migraine, or tightness in the chest. Physical mirroring occurs, like emotional mirroring,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“What’s emotional impacts our physical experience, and what’s physical affects our emotional experience. Our mind and body are joined in us as we are one organism.”</p>		\n			<h3>7. You have a strong need to help ease suffering</h3>		\n		<p>One of the biggest traits of an empath is how much they care – which can often come off as caring “too much” or being “too emotional”.</p><p>Take Abrahams, for example. “I saw a young boy running in the park yesterday, crying as he was running. I had to check in. “Are you ok?” I asked him. He replied “yes”, gasping for breath. I kept questioning – “are you sure?” To which he smiled and reassured me he was fine. I then saw his dad running a fair distance ahead, and I realised that the boy was probably just hating the run!”</p><p>“Empaths see themselves as a resource to ease suffering. Quite simply – they are kind and care about people (and often animals too and cannot tolerate their suffering). They know that by connecting and understanding people, they can help people to heal.”</p>		\n			<h3>How to thrive as an empath</h3>		\n		<p>So, is being an empath good or bad?</p><p>In a 2014 study, clinical research psychologist Elaine Aron developed an evolutionary theory, proposing that sensory processing sensitivity is a trait that has evolved in order to enhance the survival of the human species.</p><p>The study showed that a highly sensitive brain increased awareness and responsiveness to potential dangers, threats and opportunities in the environment, benefitting the whole group.</p><p>However, the study also showed the pitfalls of being highly sensitive – where it placed greater increased cognitive and metabolic demand upon individuals.</p><p>So, how do you best navigate life as a highly sensitive empath? Is it possible to decrease the impact of this stimulation on your mental health?</p><p>According to Abrahams, the biggest tip is learning how to set clear boundaries.</p><p>“Without boundaries that protect the empath, they will find themselves overwhelmed and run ragged,” she said.</p><p>These boundaries include - </p>		\n			<h4>1. Protecting your time</h4>		\n		<p>First off, be cautious who you surround yourself with. “Empaths need to consider how much time they spend helping others with their emotional states,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“As they see themselves as a resource, they often go the extra mile to help people understand their struggles and to ease their distress.”</p>		\n			<h4>2. Protecting your energy levels</h4>		\n		<p>It’s also really important to know when to carve out time for yourself in order to decrease the excess energy and stimulation you’re getting from others and the surrounding environment.</p><p>“Without protecting their energy levels, empaths can become immersed in the overwhelmed and emotional lives of others, which may leave the empath feeling depleted and exhausted.”</p>		\n			<h4>3. Looking after self-care routines and rituals</h4>		\n		<p>“When empaths absorb the emotional information from others, they may expose themselves to hardcore emotional states. This may happen often – at work, with colleagues, with friends, with family,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“Such levels of emotional exposure can be experienced as stress in the empath’s mental and physical system. For this reason, empaths need to take care that their system can actually manage repeated exposures without being compromised.”</p>		\n			<h4>4. Understanding what’s your stuff and what isn’t</h4>		\n		<p>This is a tricky one, and it can end up being really detrimental to your mental health if you can’t work out what’s yours to care about.</p><p>“Just because empaths can absorb emotional information doesn’t mean they always know where the emotional experience originated,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“Sometimes the information will hit up on their own emotional stuff. Therapy is a great way for empaths to learn to distinguish what’s their own stuff and what’s someone else’s.”</p>		\n			<h4>5. Don’t provide solutions constantly</h4>		\n		<p>Another important rule? Don’t feel like you have to ‘fix’ everything. Set some clear boundaries and know when you should remove yourself from a conversation.</p><p>Often empaths will take on other people’s energy so as not to offend them (read: the person at the party who mentally unloads everything on you) – which only leaves you feeling overwhelmed and anxious.</p><p>“It’s important that empaths don’t provide all the solutions for other people’s struggles. They should point them in the direction of help so that they can grow and have the opportunity to join the dots of their own experience,” suggests Abrahams.</p><p>“This facilitates a developmental journey without the empath needing to fully immerse themselves in their development.”</p>		\n			<h4>6. Speak out about poor behaviour towards you.\n</h4>		\n		<p>Lastly, Abrahams urges empaths to learn how to speak up. Just because you have the ability to understand other people’s motivations and behaviour, doesn’t mean you should use this as a way of excusing their behaviour.</p><p>“It’s great to understand people, however the empath needs to ensure they call out crappy behaviour towards them and don’t suffer for their understanding.”</p><p>If you would like to hear more advice from Lissy Abrahams, check out her e-book on <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/service/how-our-ego-harms-couple-relationships/\"><strong>how our ego can harm our relationships</strong></a>.</p><p>Are you an empath? Do you relate to any of these characteristics?</p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (1185179290)</em></p>','7 Signs You’re An Empath And What This Means, According To An Expert',' Relationships can be TOUGH. And while things like cheating and trust issues are some very obvious red...','inherit','closed','closed','','5063-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 09:35:42','2022-08-26 09:35:42','',5063,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5128',0,'revision','',0),(5129,3,'2022-08-26 09:35:42','2022-08-26 09:35:42','<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>		\n            <h1>\n                Mamam!a            \n        </h1>\n            Article - source: Mamamia        \n            <h2>\n                7 Signs You’re An Empath And What This Means, According To An Expert            \n        </h2>\n            22 March 2022        \n		<p>We all have those people in our life who just *get* you. You know the ones. The friends that can instantly read your feelings and know what’s going on. Then there are those people you’ve known who are a little… disconnected from the feelings of those around them.</p><p>That’s because there are some people in society who are more prone to empathy than others. In fact, more so than most ‘normal’ people.</p><p> </p><p>According to Dr Judith Orloff, psychiatrist and author of The Empath’s Survival Guide, each of us sit at different levels of an empathy scale.</p><p>Dr Orloff describes it as a spectrum, where there’s people with no empathy (narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths), regular people who have empathy, highly sensitive people, and at the other end of the spectrum are empaths.</p><p>Interesting!</p><p>And no, before you even ask – it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you.</p><p>“Researchers have found that empaths have more active mirror neurons – this means they can tap into the micro-changes in others,” said psychotherapist Lissy Abrahams.</p><p>“Whilst this ability is helpful at times, it can be problematic for empaths as they’re overworking in the emotional domain, often soaking up too much. Sometimes they can be filled up with feelings yet have no idea where they originated,” she adds.</p><p>Sound familiar?</p><p>Here’s absolutely everything you need to know about empaths – including what it means and how to tell if you are one.</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h3>What is an empath?</h3>		\n		<p>Being an empath means a little more than just being a sensitive person or being really empathetic to others – it’s a whole other level.</p><p>“Empaths are acutely aware of other people’s emotions and can often feel these emotions within themselves,” explains Abrahams.</p><p>“Empaths connect with people emotionally and can easily understand them. It’s not a mental exercise but an intuitive ability. It’s their gut instinct.”</p><p>And while it’s something that can be seen as a beneficial trait, there are some occasional disadvantages of feeling too much, too deeply.</p><p>Because not only do empaths feel intuitively connected within themselves, but they often internalise the feelings and pain of others, too.</p><p>“Empaths are emotionally porous, like a sponge absorbing other people’s emotional information. They can see where people suffer and often like to ease it,” said Abrahams.</p>		\n			<h3>How do you know if you’re an empath?</h3>		\n		<p>Are you the kind of person who always avoids cringe-y or violent TV shows? Do you have a fear you’re going to disappoint people? Tend to overthink someone else’s feelings for days on end?</p><p>You might be an empath.</p><p>To find out what kind of characteristics are associated with empaths, we asked Abrahams to share some of the most common signs to look out for. Below are seven of them:</p>		\n			<h3>1. You are affected by other people’s emotions and can take them on</h3>		\n		<p>“You have an incredibly highly attuned emotional radar that’s always on and can detect slight alterations in the emotional experience of others,” said Abrahams.</p><p>This could be from micro changes in facial expressions, gestures, a tone of voice, volume of voice, body language, or mood shifts, she adds.</p><p>“You can feel someone else’s feelings that they themselves may have no awareness of.”</p><p>Just to quickly reiterate that point – you can literally feel someone else’s feelings BEFORE they feel them.</p><p>Sounds… exhausting.</p><p>“Some empaths choose to live alone and have a haven from being swamped by other people’s emotional states. Empaths can find it difficult to live with a partner as their partner’s mood and energy will impact them,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“If they live with their partner or a flatmate, they will need a space that’s their own to decompress and recalibrate.”</p>		\n			<h3>2. You can understand other people’s perspective easily.\n</h3>		\n		<p>According to Abrahams, empaths possess the ability to see life through a unique perspective which has been shaped by our own experiences, as well as through conscious and unconscious messages they’ve absorbed throughout life.</p><p>“You can see other’s perspectives and stand in their shoes. This ability is a bonus, as many people can’t move away from their own viewpoint, causing them to be harsh or judgemental of others,” adds Abrahams.</p><p>Due to these qualities, empaths have high emotional intelligence. “They can be great leaders, and also valuable team members.”</p><p>“They also are able to tell when someone is lying to them – their gut will feel that something is off kilter. They’ll detect the small cues of a lie and feel the residue inside them.”</p><p>Note to self: Never try to fool an empath.</p>		\n			<h3>3. You are receptive to the environment around you</h3>		\n		<p>Empaths are more attuned to their environment than the average person, meaning their mental health can be affected by subtle energies in their environment – including light, sounds and other sources of stimulation.</p><p>“As an empath you will be more able to feel the energy of different physical environments. You’ll be sensitive too, as your finely attuned radar picks up information in that particular environment.”</p><p>“Some empaths feel completely drained by an environment that feels un-alive and uplifted by the energy in other spaces.”</p>		\n			<h3>4. You’ve been a therapist to your peers since school</h3>		\n		<p>“If you’re an empath, you’ve been helping people with their emotions since school days,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“You were the person your peers turned to for advice and they viewed you as wise counsel. This is because you knew how to see other perspectives and could connect with their emotional experiences.”</p><p>Because empaths have the ability to deeply feel another person’s problems and needs, they often know how to support others and what kind of comfort or encouragement they need. Their personalities are often healing and calming in times of crisis.</p><p>Abrahams said, “Many therapists are empaths – they too have been training since they were young. They intuitively understand about the ego and how defensively humans react when they are startled, hurt or why certain feelings arise.”</p><p>“As adults, they train in this field to further understand the human mind and motivations, and then want to help people decrease their suffering and distress.”</p>		\n			<h3>5. You can’t relax while watching TV</h3>		\n		<p>“Do you find sitting down to watch a thriller from beginning to end too hard? Many empaths can’t watch shows with too much tension.”</p><p>According to Abrahams, empaths have heightened startle responses which often prevents them being able to tolerate certain TV shows, movies, or certain styles or volume of music.</p><p>“Sitting with an empath watching TV is confusing for some people. They only need to hear tension music and they can be off their seat and walking away from the screen. Any violence – even implied violence – can be too much to bear.”</p><p>While empaths obviously understand what they’re watching is not real, Abrahams said their intense ability to connect with a character still creates enormous discomfort. They never know when the tension or suspense will increase – so often it becomes too much to handle.</p><p>“Their hearts will race and with their mirror neurons observing the character on the screen – they experience the fearful sensations too. They often need to physically remove themselves to calm down. It’s just too much for their mind and body and becomes unenjoyable tension.”</p>		\n			<h3>6. You may also connect with people’s physical injuries or illnesses</h3>		\n		<p>“Are you able to feel physical sensations when you’re around someone with physical injuries or an illness? Empaths feel these sensations in areas of their body similar to the location of the other person’s injury or illness. This is the level of their attunement.”</p><p>Empaths are able to feel physical sensations to other people’s emotional states, Abrahams said. They tap into their anxiety or sadness and then feel this as physical sensations in their system too.</p><p>Pretty crazy, huh?</p><p>“These could be heart rate increases, shaking hands, a migraine, or tightness in the chest. Physical mirroring occurs, like emotional mirroring,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“What’s emotional impacts our physical experience, and what’s physical affects our emotional experience. Our mind and body are joined in us as we are one organism.”</p>		\n			<h3>7. You have a strong need to help ease suffering</h3>		\n		<p>One of the biggest traits of an empath is how much they care – which can often come off as caring “too much” or being “too emotional”.</p><p>Take Abrahams, for example. “I saw a young boy running in the park yesterday, crying as he was running. I had to check in. “Are you ok?” I asked him. He replied “yes”, gasping for breath. I kept questioning – “are you sure?” To which he smiled and reassured me he was fine. I then saw his dad running a fair distance ahead, and I realised that the boy was probably just hating the run!”</p><p>“Empaths see themselves as a resource to ease suffering. Quite simply – they are kind and care about people (and often animals too and cannot tolerate their suffering). They know that by connecting and understanding people, they can help people to heal.”</p>		\n			<h3>How to thrive as an empath</h3>		\n		<p>So, is being an empath good or bad?</p><p>In a 2014 study, clinical research psychologist Elaine Aron developed an evolutionary theory, proposing that sensory processing sensitivity is a trait that has evolved in order to enhance the survival of the human species.</p><p>The study showed that a highly sensitive brain increased awareness and responsiveness to potential dangers, threats and opportunities in the environment, benefitting the whole group.</p><p>However, the study also showed the pitfalls of being highly sensitive – where it placed greater increased cognitive and metabolic demand upon individuals.</p><p>So, how do you best navigate life as a highly sensitive empath? Is it possible to decrease the impact of this stimulation on your mental health?</p><p>According to Abrahams, the biggest tip is learning how to set clear boundaries.</p><p>“Without boundaries that protect the empath, they will find themselves overwhelmed and run ragged,” she said.</p><p>These boundaries include - </p>		\n			<h4>1. Protecting your time</h4>		\n		<p>First off, be cautious who you surround yourself with. “Empaths need to consider how much time they spend helping others with their emotional states,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“As they see themselves as a resource, they often go the extra mile to help people understand their struggles and to ease their distress.”</p>		\n			<h4>2. Protecting your energy levels</h4>		\n		<p>It’s also really important to know when to carve out time for yourself in order to decrease the excess energy and stimulation you’re getting from others and the surrounding environment.</p><p>“Without protecting their energy levels, empaths can become immersed in the overwhelmed and emotional lives of others, which may leave the empath feeling depleted and exhausted.”</p>		\n			<h4>3. Looking after self-care routines and rituals</h4>		\n		<p>“When empaths absorb the emotional information from others, they may expose themselves to hardcore emotional states. This may happen often – at work, with colleagues, with friends, with family,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“Such levels of emotional exposure can be experienced as stress in the empath’s mental and physical system. For this reason, empaths need to take care that their system can actually manage repeated exposures without being compromised.”</p>		\n			<h4>4. Understanding what’s your stuff and what isn’t</h4>		\n		<p>This is a tricky one, and it can end up being really detrimental to your mental health if you can’t work out what’s yours to care about.</p><p>“Just because empaths can absorb emotional information doesn’t mean they always know where the emotional experience originated,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“Sometimes the information will hit up on their own emotional stuff. Therapy is a great way for empaths to learn to distinguish what’s their own stuff and what’s someone else’s.”</p>		\n			<h4>5. Don’t provide solutions constantly</h4>		\n		<p>Another important rule? Don’t feel like you have to ‘fix’ everything. Set some clear boundaries and know when you should remove yourself from a conversation.</p><p>Often empaths will take on other people’s energy so as not to offend them (read: the person at the party who mentally unloads everything on you) – which only leaves you feeling overwhelmed and anxious.</p><p>“It’s important that empaths don’t provide all the solutions for other people’s struggles. They should point them in the direction of help so that they can grow and have the opportunity to join the dots of their own experience,” suggests Abrahams.</p><p>“This facilitates a developmental journey without the empath needing to fully immerse themselves in their development.”</p>		\n			<h4>6. Speak out about poor behaviour towards you.\n</h4>		\n		<p>Lastly, Abrahams urges empaths to learn how to speak up. Just because you have the ability to understand other people’s motivations and behaviour, doesn’t mean you should use this as a way of excusing their behaviour.</p><p>“It’s great to understand people, however the empath needs to ensure they call out crappy behaviour towards them and don’t suffer for their understanding.”</p><p>If you would like to hear more advice from Lissy Abrahams, check out her e-book on <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/service/how-our-ego-harms-couple-relationships/\"><strong>how our ego can harm our relationships</strong></a>.</p><p>Are you an empath? Do you relate to any of these characteristics?</p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (1185179290)</em></p>','7 Signs You’re An Empath And What This Means, According To An Expert',' Relationships can be TOUGH. And while things like cheating and trust issues are some very obvious red...','inherit','closed','closed','','5063-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 09:35:42','2022-08-26 09:35:42','',5063,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5129',0,'revision','',0),(5130,3,'2022-08-26 09:35:42','2022-08-26 09:35:42','<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>		\n            <h1>\n                MamaM!a            \n        </h1>\n            Article - source: Mamamia        \n            <h2>\n                7 Signs You’re An Empath And What This Means, According To An Expert            \n        </h2>\n            22 March 2022        \n		<p>We all have those people in our life who just *get* you. You know the ones. The friends that can instantly read your feelings and know what’s going on. Then there are those people you’ve known who are a little… disconnected from the feelings of those around them.</p><p>That’s because there are some people in society who are more prone to empathy than others. In fact, more so than most ‘normal’ people.</p><p> </p><p>According to Dr Judith Orloff, psychiatrist and author of The Empath’s Survival Guide, each of us sit at different levels of an empathy scale.</p><p>Dr Orloff describes it as a spectrum, where there’s people with no empathy (narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths), regular people who have empathy, highly sensitive people, and at the other end of the spectrum are empaths.</p><p>Interesting!</p><p>And no, before you even ask – it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you.</p><p>“Researchers have found that empaths have more active mirror neurons – this means they can tap into the micro-changes in others,” said psychotherapist Lissy Abrahams.</p><p>“Whilst this ability is helpful at times, it can be problematic for empaths as they’re overworking in the emotional domain, often soaking up too much. Sometimes they can be filled up with feelings yet have no idea where they originated,” she adds.</p><p>Sound familiar?</p><p>Here’s absolutely everything you need to know about empaths – including what it means and how to tell if you are one.</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h3>What is an empath?</h3>		\n		<p>Being an empath means a little more than just being a sensitive person or being really empathetic to others – it’s a whole other level.</p><p>“Empaths are acutely aware of other people’s emotions and can often feel these emotions within themselves,” explains Abrahams.</p><p>“Empaths connect with people emotionally and can easily understand them. It’s not a mental exercise but an intuitive ability. It’s their gut instinct.”</p><p>And while it’s something that can be seen as a beneficial trait, there are some occasional disadvantages of feeling too much, too deeply.</p><p>Because not only do empaths feel intuitively connected within themselves, but they often internalise the feelings and pain of others, too.</p><p>“Empaths are emotionally porous, like a sponge absorbing other people’s emotional information. They can see where people suffer and often like to ease it,” said Abrahams.</p>		\n			<h3>How do you know if you’re an empath?</h3>		\n		<p>Are you the kind of person who always avoids cringe-y or violent TV shows? Do you have a fear you’re going to disappoint people? Tend to overthink someone else’s feelings for days on end?</p><p>You might be an empath.</p><p>To find out what kind of characteristics are associated with empaths, we asked Abrahams to share some of the most common signs to look out for. Below are seven of them:</p>		\n			<h3>1. You are affected by other people’s emotions and can take them on</h3>		\n		<p>“You have an incredibly highly attuned emotional radar that’s always on and can detect slight alterations in the emotional experience of others,” said Abrahams.</p><p>This could be from micro changes in facial expressions, gestures, a tone of voice, volume of voice, body language, or mood shifts, she adds.</p><p>“You can feel someone else’s feelings that they themselves may have no awareness of.”</p><p>Just to quickly reiterate that point – you can literally feel someone else’s feelings BEFORE they feel them.</p><p>Sounds… exhausting.</p><p>“Some empaths choose to live alone and have a haven from being swamped by other people’s emotional states. Empaths can find it difficult to live with a partner as their partner’s mood and energy will impact them,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“If they live with their partner or a flatmate, they will need a space that’s their own to decompress and recalibrate.”</p>		\n			<h3>2. You can understand other people’s perspective easily.\n</h3>		\n		<p>According to Abrahams, empaths possess the ability to see life through a unique perspective which has been shaped by our own experiences, as well as through conscious and unconscious messages they’ve absorbed throughout life.</p><p>“You can see other’s perspectives and stand in their shoes. This ability is a bonus, as many people can’t move away from their own viewpoint, causing them to be harsh or judgemental of others,” adds Abrahams.</p><p>Due to these qualities, empaths have high emotional intelligence. “They can be great leaders, and also valuable team members.”</p><p>“They also are able to tell when someone is lying to them – their gut will feel that something is off kilter. They’ll detect the small cues of a lie and feel the residue inside them.”</p><p>Note to self: Never try to fool an empath.</p>		\n			<h3>3. You are receptive to the environment around you</h3>		\n		<p>Empaths are more attuned to their environment than the average person, meaning their mental health can be affected by subtle energies in their environment – including light, sounds and other sources of stimulation.</p><p>“As an empath you will be more able to feel the energy of different physical environments. You’ll be sensitive too, as your finely attuned radar picks up information in that particular environment.”</p><p>“Some empaths feel completely drained by an environment that feels un-alive and uplifted by the energy in other spaces.”</p>		\n			<h3>4. You’ve been a therapist to your peers since school</h3>		\n		<p>“If you’re an empath, you’ve been helping people with their emotions since school days,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“You were the person your peers turned to for advice and they viewed you as wise counsel. This is because you knew how to see other perspectives and could connect with their emotional experiences.”</p><p>Because empaths have the ability to deeply feel another person’s problems and needs, they often know how to support others and what kind of comfort or encouragement they need. Their personalities are often healing and calming in times of crisis.</p><p>Abrahams said, “Many therapists are empaths – they too have been training since they were young. They intuitively understand about the ego and how defensively humans react when they are startled, hurt or why certain feelings arise.”</p><p>“As adults, they train in this field to further understand the human mind and motivations, and then want to help people decrease their suffering and distress.”</p>		\n			<h3>5. You can’t relax while watching TV</h3>		\n		<p>“Do you find sitting down to watch a thriller from beginning to end too hard? Many empaths can’t watch shows with too much tension.”</p><p>According to Abrahams, empaths have heightened startle responses which often prevents them being able to tolerate certain TV shows, movies, or certain styles or volume of music.</p><p>“Sitting with an empath watching TV is confusing for some people. They only need to hear tension music and they can be off their seat and walking away from the screen. Any violence – even implied violence – can be too much to bear.”</p><p>While empaths obviously understand what they’re watching is not real, Abrahams said their intense ability to connect with a character still creates enormous discomfort. They never know when the tension or suspense will increase – so often it becomes too much to handle.</p><p>“Their hearts will race and with their mirror neurons observing the character on the screen – they experience the fearful sensations too. They often need to physically remove themselves to calm down. It’s just too much for their mind and body and becomes unenjoyable tension.”</p>		\n			<h3>6. You may also connect with people’s physical injuries or illnesses</h3>		\n		<p>“Are you able to feel physical sensations when you’re around someone with physical injuries or an illness? Empaths feel these sensations in areas of their body similar to the location of the other person’s injury or illness. This is the level of their attunement.”</p><p>Empaths are able to feel physical sensations to other people’s emotional states, Abrahams said. They tap into their anxiety or sadness and then feel this as physical sensations in their system too.</p><p>Pretty crazy, huh?</p><p>“These could be heart rate increases, shaking hands, a migraine, or tightness in the chest. Physical mirroring occurs, like emotional mirroring,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“What’s emotional impacts our physical experience, and what’s physical affects our emotional experience. Our mind and body are joined in us as we are one organism.”</p>		\n			<h3>7. You have a strong need to help ease suffering</h3>		\n		<p>One of the biggest traits of an empath is how much they care – which can often come off as caring “too much” or being “too emotional”.</p><p>Take Abrahams, for example. “I saw a young boy running in the park yesterday, crying as he was running. I had to check in. “Are you ok?” I asked him. He replied “yes”, gasping for breath. I kept questioning – “are you sure?” To which he smiled and reassured me he was fine. I then saw his dad running a fair distance ahead, and I realised that the boy was probably just hating the run!”</p><p>“Empaths see themselves as a resource to ease suffering. Quite simply – they are kind and care about people (and often animals too and cannot tolerate their suffering). They know that by connecting and understanding people, they can help people to heal.”</p>		\n			<h3>How to thrive as an empath</h3>		\n		<p>So, is being an empath good or bad?</p><p>In a 2014 study, clinical research psychologist Elaine Aron developed an evolutionary theory, proposing that sensory processing sensitivity is a trait that has evolved in order to enhance the survival of the human species.</p><p>The study showed that a highly sensitive brain increased awareness and responsiveness to potential dangers, threats and opportunities in the environment, benefitting the whole group.</p><p>However, the study also showed the pitfalls of being highly sensitive – where it placed greater increased cognitive and metabolic demand upon individuals.</p><p>So, how do you best navigate life as a highly sensitive empath? Is it possible to decrease the impact of this stimulation on your mental health?</p><p>According to Abrahams, the biggest tip is learning how to set clear boundaries.</p><p>“Without boundaries that protect the empath, they will find themselves overwhelmed and run ragged,” she said.</p><p>These boundaries include - </p>		\n			<h4>1. Protecting your time</h4>		\n		<p>First off, be cautious who you surround yourself with. “Empaths need to consider how much time they spend helping others with their emotional states,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“As they see themselves as a resource, they often go the extra mile to help people understand their struggles and to ease their distress.”</p>		\n			<h4>2. Protecting your energy levels</h4>		\n		<p>It’s also really important to know when to carve out time for yourself in order to decrease the excess energy and stimulation you’re getting from others and the surrounding environment.</p><p>“Without protecting their energy levels, empaths can become immersed in the overwhelmed and emotional lives of others, which may leave the empath feeling depleted and exhausted.”</p>		\n			<h4>3. Looking after self-care routines and rituals</h4>		\n		<p>“When empaths absorb the emotional information from others, they may expose themselves to hardcore emotional states. This may happen often – at work, with colleagues, with friends, with family,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“Such levels of emotional exposure can be experienced as stress in the empath’s mental and physical system. For this reason, empaths need to take care that their system can actually manage repeated exposures without being compromised.”</p>		\n			<h4>4. Understanding what’s your stuff and what isn’t</h4>		\n		<p>This is a tricky one, and it can end up being really detrimental to your mental health if you can’t work out what’s yours to care about.</p><p>“Just because empaths can absorb emotional information doesn’t mean they always know where the emotional experience originated,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“Sometimes the information will hit up on their own emotional stuff. Therapy is a great way for empaths to learn to distinguish what’s their own stuff and what’s someone else’s.”</p>		\n			<h4>5. Don’t provide solutions constantly</h4>		\n		<p>Another important rule? Don’t feel like you have to ‘fix’ everything. Set some clear boundaries and know when you should remove yourself from a conversation.</p><p>Often empaths will take on other people’s energy so as not to offend them (read: the person at the party who mentally unloads everything on you) – which only leaves you feeling overwhelmed and anxious.</p><p>“It’s important that empaths don’t provide all the solutions for other people’s struggles. They should point them in the direction of help so that they can grow and have the opportunity to join the dots of their own experience,” suggests Abrahams.</p><p>“This facilitates a developmental journey without the empath needing to fully immerse themselves in their development.”</p>		\n			<h4>6. Speak out about poor behaviour towards you.\n</h4>		\n		<p>Lastly, Abrahams urges empaths to learn how to speak up. Just because you have the ability to understand other people’s motivations and behaviour, doesn’t mean you should use this as a way of excusing their behaviour.</p><p>“It’s great to understand people, however the empath needs to ensure they call out crappy behaviour towards them and don’t suffer for their understanding.”</p><p>If you would like to hear more advice from Lissy Abrahams, check out her e-book on <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/service/how-our-ego-harms-couple-relationships/\"><strong>how our ego can harm our relationships</strong></a>.</p><p>Are you an empath? Do you relate to any of these characteristics?</p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (1185179290)</em></p>','7 Signs You’re An Empath And What This Means, According To An Expert',' Relationships can be TOUGH. And while things like cheating and trust issues are some very obvious red...','inherit','closed','closed','','5063-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 09:35:42','2022-08-26 09:35:42','',5063,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5130',0,'revision','',0),(5131,3,'2022-08-26 09:36:25','2022-08-26 09:36:25','<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>		\n            <h1>\n                Mamam!a            \n        </h1>\n            Article - source: Mamamia        \n            <h2>\n                A Psychotherapist Told Us There Are 4 Different Types Of Shame. Here’s What They Mean            \n        </h2>\n            3 March 2022        \n		<p>Think of the worst, most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you. Are you picturing it? It’s… bloody uncomfortable to look back on, isn’t it?  It might be that time your date completely ghosted you. When you had to do a work presentation, choked up, and had to sit down. That time your skirt rolled up underneath your bag and you flashed a whole bus full of people…</p><p>Shame is a universal experience that comes in different scenarios – and we all experience it in some shape or form.</p><p> </p><p>And she’s up there with some of the most unpleasant of feels. Painful, in fact. Like, sometimes it’s uncomfortable enough to make you feel like you could actually just… disappear.</p><p>What you might not know about shame, however, is that there are some common situations where we’re more likely to feel bad about ourselves – and each can affect us in different ways.</p><p>To find out more, we speak to psychotherapist Lissy Abrahams and look at everything we never knew we needed to know about shame.</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h3>What is shame?</h3>		\n		<p>Abrahams explains it like this: “Shame is a universal emotion we feel when we violate social norms. At such moments we feel humiliated, exposed, and small and are unable to look another person straight in the eye.”</p><p>“We can feel sick to our stomach, red in the face, and we typically want to hide from everyone.”</p><p>While it’s a common emotion that everyone will feel, Abrahams describes it as “an underground emotion” that’s “different from other emotions that we can talk about.”</p><p>Weird, huh?</p><p>“When we feel or reflect on our behaviour that causes us shame, we can become consumed with believing we – as a person – are bad,” explains Abrahams.</p><p>If you’re wondering if this is just the same as guilt – same. But apparently, they’re actually two very separate emotions.</p><p>While they may seem closely linked, Abrahams said that when we feel guilt, it’s our behaviour that is usually deemed as ‘bad’, whereas with shame, we don’t absorb the ‘badness’ into our sense of self, as we do with guilt.</p><p>Shame goes to a deeper level of the psyche, where there’s a more painful awareness of the self. While shame can be felt in many situations, Abrahams said there is something at the core of shame that is always present – a fear of disconnection.</p><p>“Leading shame expert Brene Brown hits the nail perfectly on the head in her definition that ‘shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.\'”</p><p>“Her research shows that humans are hard-wired in every way for connection, love and belonging.”</p><p>While the feeling of shame can be brief and fleeting, it can also be an enduring emotion that can make you feel like you are fundamentally flawed and not ‘good enough’.</p><p>“Shame can exist wherever we believe we’re flawed, fearing people who are important to us will see us as not up to scratch, and then flick us away,” said Abrahams.</p><p>How sad!</p><p>“Humans are social animals, as are many mammals. As social animals, we work hard to keep within the bounds of the various communities we belong. We need the feeling of inclusion.”</p><p>“There’s a reason we do this. We want others to see us in a desirable way and our ego helps us create and curate the image of ourselves that we wish to portray.”</p><p>“When we behave in a way that’s out of the social norm, it will tap into our primitive fear that others will find out we’re not good enough, or unworthy, or unlovable – and any of these translate to being abandonable. And in our primitive DNA we know that being abandoned by our herd is deadly – just as it is for mammals in the wild.”</p><p>Meaning? We have to stay on top of our game in order to protect ourselves.</p><p>“We even have our ego telling us to behave in certain ways to protect our identity in public. It works hard to prevent us from being cancelled. Shame is why cancel culture is so powerful.</p><p>“We can brutally judge someone who mis-stepped too far for our liking as unworthy, cut them down and then ostracise them. We become judge and jury, and feel blemish-free and pure in our self-image, implying ‘we’d never behave so poorly’. Social media has fuelled this exponentially.”</p>		\n			<h3>What are some of the most common types of shame?</h3>		\n		<p>According to psychotherapist Joseph Burgo, author of <a href=\"https://www.amazon.com.au/Shame-Free-Yourself-Build-Self-Esteem/dp/1250151309\"><strong>Shame: Free Yourself, Find Joy and Build True Self Esteem</strong></a>, there are four common types of sham, which he refers to as “shame paradigms”.</p>		\n			<h4>1. Unrequited love</h4>		\n		<p>Abrahams describes one-sided love as one of the most fundamentally shameful experiences, “such as a mother who doesn’t love their child, and the child feels inadequate and lacking.”</p><p>“I see this in couple relationships where partners experience the shame of their partner’s diminishing emotional and sexual connection to them.”</p>		\n			<h4>2. Exclusion</h4>		\n		<p>Think of that time you weren’t invited to THAT party. Or when you were left out of the ‘group chat’ on WhatsApp or messenger.</p><p>“We need to belong to our community or herd as humans have needed to belong to keep alive. It’s primitively wired in our mind and body that we are safer within a group and have more protection in numbers,” explains Abrahams.</p><p>“Humans on their own in the wild are extremely vulnerable to predators, just like many other mammals. Exclusion is wired into our DNA to symbolise vulnerability and death.”</p>		\n			<h4>3. Unwanted exposure</h4>		\n		<p>“This shame happens when we feel we’ve stepped out of our norm in public, fearing judgement. My client Rachel had a relationship with a married man at work. They were caught up in what they felt was the loveliness of their affair until they weren’t – his wife found out.”</p><p>“Months later, she feels shame about her involvement in this relationship and can’t reconcile how she ‘as an essentially good person’ could end up in an affair. She’s mortified by her actions, worries about what her colleagues think of her, and her mind is consumed daily with thoughts about it.”</p>		\n			<h4>4. Disappointed expectation</h4>		\n		<p>This type of shame is all about falling short of expectations – whether it’s romantically or professionally.</p><p>“My client Jerome has a partner who constantly compares him unfavourably to her ex-boyfriend, and he feels diminished and useless,” shares Abrahams.</p><p>“Gerald wants the world to swallow him up when his partner shakes a finger, deeming him a ‘disappointment and embarrassment’,” she adds.</p><p>“Can you see that in all of these examples, shame is the fear of being perceived as unworthy and abandonable? It’s a primitive fear that there is something’s not right about us and others will see it. We can all have these feelings.”</p>		\n			<h3>How to learn from shame</h3>		\n		<p>The good news? These are healthy emotions that everyone has – so don’t feel like it’s just you. For some reason, though – we just don’t talk about it, making it really hard for people to deal with.</p><p>“We want to hide from it more than any other emotion. It hates being spoken about. We don’t want others to know about this part of us, as we fear their harsh judgments of us as inadequate and unworthy,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“When we feel shame, we can go to great lengths to avoid people, self-isolate and disconnect from others.”</p><p>“We also find techniques to disconnect from ourselves, such as finding distractions, or even constructing ego-based stories to try to bolster our fragile ego – such as finding someone to blame, making harsh judgments of others, or minimising our role or responsibility. It’s awful for us to feel we are somehow ‘bad’ to the core.”</p><p>Instead of just not dealing with it, Abrahams said when we’re feeling shame, we need to do the opposite of what shame wants us to do.</p><p>When shame is overwhelming, there are three key things you need to do in order to help yourself learn and move forward.</p>		\n			<h4>1. Don’t hide from it</h4>		\n		<p>First off, you need to talk about it and get it out into the open. “We need to expose shame by talking about it with someone who is empathic and understanding. This provides relief,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“Shame survives alone and in secret. When we do the opposite, it cannot survive. Don’t plaster it on social media but make sure it’s a safe place to talk about it. Many people talk about their shame in therapy.”</p>		\n			<h4>2. Have self-compassion</h4>		\n		<p>“As shame happens between people – the best thing we can do is heal it with people. Self-compassion is key because when we’re able to be gentle with ourselves in the midst of shame, we are more likely to reach out, connect, and experience empathy.”</p>		\n			<h4>3. Gather the learning from the experience</h4>		\n		<p>“If you messed up – decide to do it differently next time. Ask yourself what you learnt from the experience? Has it made you less judgemental and harsh? Can you now see more complexity in life? Do you re-evaluate relationships? Do you understand your history more?”</p><p>“There’s always something to learn as we navigate life’s emotional journeys – find the lessons from shame and keep them throughout life.”</p><p>If you would like to read more from Lissy, check out her e-book on <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/service/how-our-ego-harms-couple-relationships/\"><strong>how our ego can impact our relationships</strong></a>.</p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (1523322002)</em></p>','A Psychotherapist Told Us There Are 4 Different Types Of Shame. Here’s What They Mean',' Relationships can be TOUGH. And while things like cheating and trust issues are some very obvious red...','inherit','closed','closed','','5071-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 09:36:25','2022-08-26 09:36:25','',5071,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5131',0,'revision','',0),(5132,3,'2022-08-26 09:36:25','2022-08-26 09:36:25','<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>		\n            <h1>\n                Mamam!a            \n        </h1>\n            Article - source: Mamamia        \n            <h2>\n                A Psychotherapist Told Us There Are 4 Different Types Of Shame. Here’s What They Mean            \n        </h2>\n            3 March 2022        \n		<p>Think of the worst, most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you. Are you picturing it? It’s… bloody uncomfortable to look back on, isn’t it?  It might be that time your date completely ghosted you. When you had to do a work presentation, choked up, and had to sit down. That time your skirt rolled up underneath your bag and you flashed a whole bus full of people…</p><p>Shame is a universal experience that comes in different scenarios – and we all experience it in some shape or form.</p><p> </p><p>And she’s up there with some of the most unpleasant of feels. Painful, in fact. Like, sometimes it’s uncomfortable enough to make you feel like you could actually just… disappear.</p><p>What you might not know about shame, however, is that there are some common situations where we’re more likely to feel bad about ourselves – and each can affect us in different ways.</p><p>To find out more, we speak to psychotherapist Lissy Abrahams and look at everything we never knew we needed to know about shame.</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h3>What is shame?</h3>		\n		<p>Abrahams explains it like this: “Shame is a universal emotion we feel when we violate social norms. At such moments we feel humiliated, exposed, and small and are unable to look another person straight in the eye.”</p><p>“We can feel sick to our stomach, red in the face, and we typically want to hide from everyone.”</p><p>While it’s a common emotion that everyone will feel, Abrahams describes it as “an underground emotion” that’s “different from other emotions that we can talk about.”</p><p>Weird, huh?</p><p>“When we feel or reflect on our behaviour that causes us shame, we can become consumed with believing we – as a person – are bad,” explains Abrahams.</p><p>If you’re wondering if this is just the same as guilt – same. But apparently, they’re actually two very separate emotions.</p><p>While they may seem closely linked, Abrahams said that when we feel guilt, it’s our behaviour that is usually deemed as ‘bad’, whereas with shame, we don’t absorb the ‘badness’ into our sense of self, as we do with guilt.</p><p>Shame goes to a deeper level of the psyche, where there’s a more painful awareness of the self. While shame can be felt in many situations, Abrahams said there is something at the core of shame that is always present – a fear of disconnection.</p><p>“Leading shame expert Brene Brown hits the nail perfectly on the head in her definition that ‘shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.\'”</p><p>“Her research shows that humans are hard-wired in every way for connection, love and belonging.”</p><p>While the feeling of shame can be brief and fleeting, it can also be an enduring emotion that can make you feel like you are fundamentally flawed and not ‘good enough’.</p><p>“Shame can exist wherever we believe we’re flawed, fearing people who are important to us will see us as not up to scratch, and then flick us away,” said Abrahams.</p><p>How sad!</p><p>“Humans are social animals, as are many mammals. As social animals, we work hard to keep within the bounds of the various communities we belong. We need the feeling of inclusion.”</p><p>“There’s a reason we do this. We want others to see us in a desirable way and our ego helps us create and curate the image of ourselves that we wish to portray.”</p><p>“When we behave in a way that’s out of the social norm, it will tap into our primitive fear that others will find out we’re not good enough, or unworthy, or unlovable – and any of these translate to being abandonable. And in our primitive DNA we know that being abandoned by our herd is deadly – just as it is for mammals in the wild.”</p><p>Meaning? We have to stay on top of our game in order to protect ourselves.</p><p>“We even have our ego telling us to behave in certain ways to protect our identity in public. It works hard to prevent us from being cancelled. Shame is why cancel culture is so powerful.</p><p>“We can brutally judge someone who mis-stepped too far for our liking as unworthy, cut them down and then ostracise them. We become judge and jury, and feel blemish-free and pure in our self-image, implying ‘we’d never behave so poorly’. Social media has fuelled this exponentially.”</p>		\n			<h3>What are some of the most common types of shame?</h3>		\n		<p>According to psychotherapist Joseph Burgo, author of <a href=\"https://www.amazon.com.au/Shame-Free-Yourself-Build-Self-Esteem/dp/1250151309\"><strong>Shame: Free Yourself, Find Joy and Build True Self Esteem</strong></a>, there are four common types of sham, which he refers to as “shame paradigms”.</p>		\n			<h4>1. Unrequited love</h4>		\n		<p>Abrahams describes one-sided love as one of the most fundamentally shameful experiences, “such as a mother who doesn’t love their child, and the child feels inadequate and lacking.”</p><p>“I see this in couple relationships where partners experience the shame of their partner’s diminishing emotional and sexual connection to them.”</p>		\n			<h4>2. Exclusion</h4>		\n		<p>Think of that time you weren’t invited to THAT party. Or when you were left out of the ‘group chat’ on WhatsApp or messenger.</p><p>“We need to belong to our community or herd as humans have needed to belong to keep alive. It’s primitively wired in our mind and body that we are safer within a group and have more protection in numbers,” explains Abrahams.</p><p>“Humans on their own in the wild are extremely vulnerable to predators, just like many other mammals. Exclusion is wired into our DNA to symbolise vulnerability and death.”</p>		\n			<h4>3. Unwanted exposure</h4>		\n		<p>“This shame happens when we feel we’ve stepped out of our norm in public, fearing judgement. My client Rachel had a relationship with a married man at work. They were caught up in what they felt was the loveliness of their affair until they weren’t – his wife found out.”</p><p>“Months later, she feels shame about her involvement in this relationship and can’t reconcile how she ‘as an essentially good person’ could end up in an affair. She’s mortified by her actions, worries about what her colleagues think of her, and her mind is consumed daily with thoughts about it.”</p>		\n			<h4>4. Disappointed expectation</h4>		\n		<p>This type of shame is all about falling short of expectations – whether it’s romantically or professionally.</p><p>“My client Jerome has a partner who constantly compares him unfavourably to her ex-boyfriend, and he feels diminished and useless,” shares Abrahams.</p><p>“Gerald wants the world to swallow him up when his partner shakes a finger, deeming him a ‘disappointment and embarrassment’,” she adds.</p><p>“Can you see that in all of these examples, shame is the fear of being perceived as unworthy and abandonable? It’s a primitive fear that there is something’s not right about us and others will see it. We can all have these feelings.”</p>		\n			<h3>How to learn from shame</h3>		\n		<p>The good news? These are healthy emotions that everyone has – so don’t feel like it’s just you. For some reason, though – we just don’t talk about it, making it really hard for people to deal with.</p><p>“We want to hide from it more than any other emotion. It hates being spoken about. We don’t want others to know about this part of us, as we fear their harsh judgments of us as inadequate and unworthy,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“When we feel shame, we can go to great lengths to avoid people, self-isolate and disconnect from others.”</p><p>“We also find techniques to disconnect from ourselves, such as finding distractions, or even constructing ego-based stories to try to bolster our fragile ego – such as finding someone to blame, making harsh judgments of others, or minimising our role or responsibility. It’s awful for us to feel we are somehow ‘bad’ to the core.”</p><p>Instead of just not dealing with it, Abrahams said when we’re feeling shame, we need to do the opposite of what shame wants us to do.</p><p>When shame is overwhelming, there are three key things you need to do in order to help yourself learn and move forward.</p>		\n			<h4>1. Don’t hide from it</h4>		\n		<p>First off, you need to talk about it and get it out into the open. “We need to expose shame by talking about it with someone who is empathic and understanding. This provides relief,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“Shame survives alone and in secret. When we do the opposite, it cannot survive. Don’t plaster it on social media but make sure it’s a safe place to talk about it. Many people talk about their shame in therapy.”</p>		\n			<h4>2. Have self-compassion</h4>		\n		<p>“As shame happens between people – the best thing we can do is heal it with people. Self-compassion is key because when we’re able to be gentle with ourselves in the midst of shame, we are more likely to reach out, connect, and experience empathy.”</p>		\n			<h4>3. Gather the learning from the experience</h4>		\n		<p>“If you messed up – decide to do it differently next time. Ask yourself what you learnt from the experience? Has it made you less judgemental and harsh? Can you now see more complexity in life? Do you re-evaluate relationships? Do you understand your history more?”</p><p>“There’s always something to learn as we navigate life’s emotional journeys – find the lessons from shame and keep them throughout life.”</p><p>If you would like to read more from Lissy, check out her e-book on <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/service/how-our-ego-harms-couple-relationships/\"><strong>how our ego can impact our relationships</strong></a>.</p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (1523322002)</em></p>','A Psychotherapist Told Us There Are 4 Different Types Of Shame. Here’s What They Mean',' Relationships can be TOUGH. And while things like cheating and trust issues are some very obvious red...','inherit','closed','closed','','5071-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 09:36:25','2022-08-26 09:36:25','',5071,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5132',0,'revision','',0),(5133,3,'2022-08-26 09:36:26','2022-08-26 09:36:26','<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>		\n            <h1>\n                MamaM!a            \n        </h1>\n            Article - source: Mamamia        \n            <h2>\n                A Psychotherapist Told Us There Are 4 Different Types Of Shame. Here’s What They Mean            \n        </h2>\n            3 March 2022        \n		<p>Think of the worst, most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you. Are you picturing it? It’s… bloody uncomfortable to look back on, isn’t it?  It might be that time your date completely ghosted you. When you had to do a work presentation, choked up, and had to sit down. That time your skirt rolled up underneath your bag and you flashed a whole bus full of people…</p><p>Shame is a universal experience that comes in different scenarios – and we all experience it in some shape or form.</p><p> </p><p>And she’s up there with some of the most unpleasant of feels. Painful, in fact. Like, sometimes it’s uncomfortable enough to make you feel like you could actually just… disappear.</p><p>What you might not know about shame, however, is that there are some common situations where we’re more likely to feel bad about ourselves – and each can affect us in different ways.</p><p>To find out more, we speak to psychotherapist Lissy Abrahams and look at everything we never knew we needed to know about shame.</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h3>What is shame?</h3>		\n		<p>Abrahams explains it like this: “Shame is a universal emotion we feel when we violate social norms. At such moments we feel humiliated, exposed, and small and are unable to look another person straight in the eye.”</p><p>“We can feel sick to our stomach, red in the face, and we typically want to hide from everyone.”</p><p>While it’s a common emotion that everyone will feel, Abrahams describes it as “an underground emotion” that’s “different from other emotions that we can talk about.”</p><p>Weird, huh?</p><p>“When we feel or reflect on our behaviour that causes us shame, we can become consumed with believing we – as a person – are bad,” explains Abrahams.</p><p>If you’re wondering if this is just the same as guilt – same. But apparently, they’re actually two very separate emotions.</p><p>While they may seem closely linked, Abrahams said that when we feel guilt, it’s our behaviour that is usually deemed as ‘bad’, whereas with shame, we don’t absorb the ‘badness’ into our sense of self, as we do with guilt.</p><p>Shame goes to a deeper level of the psyche, where there’s a more painful awareness of the self. While shame can be felt in many situations, Abrahams said there is something at the core of shame that is always present – a fear of disconnection.</p><p>“Leading shame expert Brene Brown hits the nail perfectly on the head in her definition that ‘shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.\'”</p><p>“Her research shows that humans are hard-wired in every way for connection, love and belonging.”</p><p>While the feeling of shame can be brief and fleeting, it can also be an enduring emotion that can make you feel like you are fundamentally flawed and not ‘good enough’.</p><p>“Shame can exist wherever we believe we’re flawed, fearing people who are important to us will see us as not up to scratch, and then flick us away,” said Abrahams.</p><p>How sad!</p><p>“Humans are social animals, as are many mammals. As social animals, we work hard to keep within the bounds of the various communities we belong. We need the feeling of inclusion.”</p><p>“There’s a reason we do this. We want others to see us in a desirable way and our ego helps us create and curate the image of ourselves that we wish to portray.”</p><p>“When we behave in a way that’s out of the social norm, it will tap into our primitive fear that others will find out we’re not good enough, or unworthy, or unlovable – and any of these translate to being abandonable. And in our primitive DNA we know that being abandoned by our herd is deadly – just as it is for mammals in the wild.”</p><p>Meaning? We have to stay on top of our game in order to protect ourselves.</p><p>“We even have our ego telling us to behave in certain ways to protect our identity in public. It works hard to prevent us from being cancelled. Shame is why cancel culture is so powerful.</p><p>“We can brutally judge someone who mis-stepped too far for our liking as unworthy, cut them down and then ostracise them. We become judge and jury, and feel blemish-free and pure in our self-image, implying ‘we’d never behave so poorly’. Social media has fuelled this exponentially.”</p>		\n			<h3>What are some of the most common types of shame?</h3>		\n		<p>According to psychotherapist Joseph Burgo, author of <a href=\"https://www.amazon.com.au/Shame-Free-Yourself-Build-Self-Esteem/dp/1250151309\"><strong>Shame: Free Yourself, Find Joy and Build True Self Esteem</strong></a>, there are four common types of sham, which he refers to as “shame paradigms”.</p>		\n			<h4>1. Unrequited love</h4>		\n		<p>Abrahams describes one-sided love as one of the most fundamentally shameful experiences, “such as a mother who doesn’t love their child, and the child feels inadequate and lacking.”</p><p>“I see this in couple relationships where partners experience the shame of their partner’s diminishing emotional and sexual connection to them.”</p>		\n			<h4>2. Exclusion</h4>		\n		<p>Think of that time you weren’t invited to THAT party. Or when you were left out of the ‘group chat’ on WhatsApp or messenger.</p><p>“We need to belong to our community or herd as humans have needed to belong to keep alive. It’s primitively wired in our mind and body that we are safer within a group and have more protection in numbers,” explains Abrahams.</p><p>“Humans on their own in the wild are extremely vulnerable to predators, just like many other mammals. Exclusion is wired into our DNA to symbolise vulnerability and death.”</p>		\n			<h4>3. Unwanted exposure</h4>		\n		<p>“This shame happens when we feel we’ve stepped out of our norm in public, fearing judgement. My client Rachel had a relationship with a married man at work. They were caught up in what they felt was the loveliness of their affair until they weren’t – his wife found out.”</p><p>“Months later, she feels shame about her involvement in this relationship and can’t reconcile how she ‘as an essentially good person’ could end up in an affair. She’s mortified by her actions, worries about what her colleagues think of her, and her mind is consumed daily with thoughts about it.”</p>		\n			<h4>4. Disappointed expectation</h4>		\n		<p>This type of shame is all about falling short of expectations – whether it’s romantically or professionally.</p><p>“My client Jerome has a partner who constantly compares him unfavourably to her ex-boyfriend, and he feels diminished and useless,” shares Abrahams.</p><p>“Gerald wants the world to swallow him up when his partner shakes a finger, deeming him a ‘disappointment and embarrassment’,” she adds.</p><p>“Can you see that in all of these examples, shame is the fear of being perceived as unworthy and abandonable? It’s a primitive fear that there is something’s not right about us and others will see it. We can all have these feelings.”</p>		\n			<h3>How to learn from shame</h3>		\n		<p>The good news? These are healthy emotions that everyone has – so don’t feel like it’s just you. For some reason, though – we just don’t talk about it, making it really hard for people to deal with.</p><p>“We want to hide from it more than any other emotion. It hates being spoken about. We don’t want others to know about this part of us, as we fear their harsh judgments of us as inadequate and unworthy,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“When we feel shame, we can go to great lengths to avoid people, self-isolate and disconnect from others.”</p><p>“We also find techniques to disconnect from ourselves, such as finding distractions, or even constructing ego-based stories to try to bolster our fragile ego – such as finding someone to blame, making harsh judgments of others, or minimising our role or responsibility. It’s awful for us to feel we are somehow ‘bad’ to the core.”</p><p>Instead of just not dealing with it, Abrahams said when we’re feeling shame, we need to do the opposite of what shame wants us to do.</p><p>When shame is overwhelming, there are three key things you need to do in order to help yourself learn and move forward.</p>		\n			<h4>1. Don’t hide from it</h4>		\n		<p>First off, you need to talk about it and get it out into the open. “We need to expose shame by talking about it with someone who is empathic and understanding. This provides relief,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“Shame survives alone and in secret. When we do the opposite, it cannot survive. Don’t plaster it on social media but make sure it’s a safe place to talk about it. Many people talk about their shame in therapy.”</p>		\n			<h4>2. Have self-compassion</h4>		\n		<p>“As shame happens between people – the best thing we can do is heal it with people. Self-compassion is key because when we’re able to be gentle with ourselves in the midst of shame, we are more likely to reach out, connect, and experience empathy.”</p>		\n			<h4>3. Gather the learning from the experience</h4>		\n		<p>“If you messed up – decide to do it differently next time. Ask yourself what you learnt from the experience? Has it made you less judgemental and harsh? Can you now see more complexity in life? Do you re-evaluate relationships? Do you understand your history more?”</p><p>“There’s always something to learn as we navigate life’s emotional journeys – find the lessons from shame and keep them throughout life.”</p><p>If you would like to read more from Lissy, check out her e-book on <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/service/how-our-ego-harms-couple-relationships/\"><strong>how our ego can impact our relationships</strong></a>.</p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (1523322002)</em></p>','A Psychotherapist Told Us There Are 4 Different Types Of Shame. Here’s What They Mean',' Relationships can be TOUGH. And while things like cheating and trust issues are some very obvious red...','inherit','closed','closed','','5071-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 09:36:26','2022-08-26 09:36:26','',5071,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5133',0,'revision','',0),(5134,3,'2022-08-26 09:37:13','2022-08-26 09:37:13','<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>		\n            <h1>\n                Mamam!a            \n        </h1>\n            Article - source: Mamamia        \n            <h2>\n                There Are 5 Types Of Narcissists. Here’s How To Spot Them            \n        </h2>\n            28 February 2022        \n		<p>What do you think of when you think of a narcissist? Someone with a big ego? Someone totally in love with themselves? Someone who’s really controlling? Well, there’s a little more to it.</p><p> </p><p>Because while narcissism is one of those words you’ll hear often enough (hey, MAFS), the traits and inherent behaviours that make up a narcissistic personality are actually pretty complex – it’s a lot deeper and more layered than simple vanity.</p><p>What’s more, narcissism may not be as easy to spot as you might think.</p><p>To find out more, we spoke to psychologist Lissy Abrahams and asked her everything we need to know about narcissistic behaviours – including the different characteristics and how to spot them.</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h3>What is narcissism?</h3>		\n		<p>First of all, what exactly is narcissism? While we often hear the term floating around, is it more than just being incredibly self-centred? Is it really something that is essentially bad?</p><p>Abrahams explains it like this: “Narcissism is a personality trait, where people are extremely self-focused, have an inflated sense of self, and have a huge need for praise and recognition. They lack awareness of how their behaviour and self-absorption impact others.”</p><p>“They can also disregard the rights and needs of others. Most of us have some periods where we are more self-preoccupied than others, however, for narcissists, their excessive self-involvement isn’t a fleeting state.”</p><p>While there is research out there that has revealed benefits associated with high narcissism (apparently mental toughness is one of them), it’s obviously a personality trait that can also be deeply damaging to others, sometimes resulting in a serious impact on mental health.</p><p>However, it’s important to remember that narcissist traits can also be quite subtle – you might not even recognise you’re dealing with a highly narcissistic individual.</p><p>That’s why it’s important to look at some of the core differences of narcissism and how to spot them.</p>		\n			<h3>What are the different types of narcissists?</h3>		\n		<p>Yep. There’s more than one type of narcissism. Experts say it’s best viewed on a spectrum to see where people sit. If you’re wondering how it works, the Narcissistic Personality Inventory (NPI), is the most commonly used measure of the trait.</p><p>“It’s useful to think about narcissism as occurring along a spectrum from adaptive to maladaptive. Narcissism is adaptive and productive to our lives when we have high self-confidence and a high level of self-reliance,” explains Abrahams.</p><p>“However, at the other end, when it’s maladaptive, the traits will negatively impact you and others.”</p><p>Abrahams said these traits include being entitled and displaying behaviours of superiority, using people, and arrogance.</p><p>“Narcissistic personality disorder is well and truly at the malignant end of the spectrum,” she said.</p><p>Below, we look at the five main kinds of narcissism and the common signs to look out for.</p>		\n			<h4>1. Overt or grandiose narcissism</h4>		\n		<p>An overt narcissist is more upfront with their methods of manipulation and generally won’t try to hide their ability to control others.</p><p>“They can be charming and enjoy the limelight on themselves. It can be easy to spot in others because being around them is somewhat uncomfortable – these are the people who regularly and shamelessly blow their own trumpet,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“They want others to recognise and admire them and have an inflated sense of self, even overstating their achievements. They’re often entitled and feel superior.”</p><p>Overt narcissists lack a sense of empathy, meaning they can be exploitative of others and their vulnerabilities, and excessively competitive, adds Abrahams.</p><p>“They lack the ability to reflect on how their excessive self-focus may be perceived by others.”</p>		\n			<h4>2. Covert or vulnerable narcissism</h4>		\n		<p>Covert narcissists are a little different. They tend to be more insidious and subtle with the methods they use to get what they want.</p><p>“This type of narcissism can be harder to detect than overt. They are still very self-focused but it’s quieter; more hidden in their introversion.”</p><p>“They are regularly preoccupied and express their low self-worth, their vulnerability, and how insecure they are. They are more likely to struggle with depression, shame and anxiety. They can feel victim-like.”</p><p>For example, while an overt narcissist might post a selfie on Instagram to assert how beautiful they are and remain the centre of everyone’s attention, a covert narcissist might post a selfie showing how sad or down they are, seeking emotional validation and pity from others.</p><p>Interesting, right?</p><p>“There’s still an absorption with themselves, about their deep sense of inadequacy and unworthiness. They have often experienced childhood abuse/neglect,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“They can be defensive when they’re not viewed as special because they’re preoccupied with this fear.”</p>		\n			<h4>3. Antagonistic narcissism</h4>		\n		<p>When it comes to antagonistic narcissists, these types of people always have an enemy and are often focused on ‘winning’.</p><p>“This type of narcissism is focused on rivalry and competition. At its heart, there’s a ‘them versus me’ mentality and a battle to win,” said Abrahams.</p><p>Think of the people who shout at other drivers, criticise shop attendants or waiters and are relatively unpleasant to be around. Sound familiar?</p><p>“They perpetually compete with others. They tend to argue and disagree with people, proving the ‘them versus me’ mindset. They can take advantage of people. They’re arrogant. It’s hard to connect with them.”</p>		\n			<h4>4. Communal narcissism</h4>		\n		<p>Communal narcissism is a specific type of narcissism that involves an individual seeking attention and praise from others by doing good deeds or acts of service for the community.</p><p>According to Abrahams, “This is seen in contrast to antagonistic narcissism, as people with communal narcissism receive a sense of self-importance and social power from being altruistic and fair to others.”</p><p>“They can see themselves as generous and caring yet their behaviour may reveal they are not as empathic as they believe – such as being easily morally outraged or having excessive reactions when they perceive unfairness. It’s not genuine concern for the welfare of others.”</p>		\n			<h4>5. Malignant narcissism</h4>		\n		<p>Welcome to the most exploitative type of narcissism: Malignant narcissism.</p><p>“Malignant narcissism is the nastiest type as they lack empathy. Even though they have a high self-regard and an excessive need for recognition, they can also be cruel and sadistic, even deriving enjoyment from this,” said Abrahams.</p><p>Often considered sociopaths, malignant narcissists lack a conscience and are highly abusive, enjoying seeing others hurt and suffering.</p><p>“They can be aggressive and vindictive. They can worry excessively about others being a potential threat, even to the point of paranoia.”</p><p>“This has links with psychopathic and/or antisocial personality disorder. They are harmful to be in a relationship with and will exploit you sexually, physically, emotionally, or financially. Run! Run fast!”</p>		\n			<h3>How to spot a narcissist</h3>		\n		<p>“It’s important to know the signs of narcissism, or its extreme form of narcissistic personality disorder, so you know what you are up against,” said Abrahams.</p><p>When it comes to spotting a narcissist, Abrahams said there are a few core behaviours you need to look out for.</p><p>“The signs below are all of someone with the disorder. Think of Donald Trump – he appears to tick all of these signs,” said Abrahams.</p><p>Look out for the below traits -</p><ul><li>- An exaggerated sense of self-importance</li><li>- A need for excessive admiration, praise, or perceived as superior (without the achievement)</li><li>- A sense of entitlement – expects compliance with their expectations<br />- Inflating achievements and talents</li><li>- Preoccupation with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate</li><li>- Elitism and concerned with “the best” of everything</li><li>- Monopolise conversations, belittling and demeaning people they perceive as inferior</li><li>- Exploitative of others – uses and misuses them</li><li>- Lacks empathy</li><li>- Consumed with envy and believes others envy them</li><li>- Arrogance, boastful and pretentious</li></ul><p>If any of these behaviours sound familiar, you might be dealing with a highly narcissistic individual.</p><p>“Narcissists can’t tolerate criticism at all. They’re easily offended. They can be emotionally dysregulated, becoming angry, rageful, and impatient if they don’t get their way or receive special treatment. When criticised they’ll be defensive and even cruel.”</p>		\n			<h3>Can narcissists be helped?</h3>		\n		<p>If you’re wondering how to help navigate a relationship with someone who is a narcissist – know that it’s not exactly simple.</p><p>Narcissists can be extremely problematic and damaging on multiple levels – physically, emotionally and financially – so cutting ties may often be the best solution.</p><p>“People with this personality trait or narcissistic personality disorder rarely seek treatment. They see nothing wrong with how self-focused they are or how they exploit and use others,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“They don’t come to therapy for help. In fact, the only time I see them in therapy is when their partner has dragged them in because they can’t stand the way they’ve been treated in the relationship. They don’t last long in the process – a session or two at most.”</p><p>“This is because they are seeking admiration and praise and can’t tolerate that they won’t be getting that in therapy. In fact, their partner may be displeased with them, or I may comment on their behaviour or way of operating which will always be perceived as a criticism. They never return.”</p><p>If you’d like to learn more from Lissy, check out <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/service/how-our-ego-harms-couple-relationships/\"><strong>how our ego can harm our relationships</strong></a>.</p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (1745084162)</em></p>','There Are 5 Types Of Narcissists. Here’s How To Spot Them',' Relationships can be TOUGH. And while things like cheating and trust issues are some very obvious red...','inherit','closed','closed','','5076-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 09:37:13','2022-08-26 09:37:13','',5076,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5134',0,'revision','',0),(5135,3,'2022-08-26 09:37:13','2022-08-26 09:37:13','<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>		\n            <h1>\n                Mamam!a            \n        </h1>\n            Article - source: Mamamia        \n            <h2>\n                There Are 5 Types Of Narcissists. Here’s How To Spot Them            \n        </h2>\n            28 February 2022        \n		<p>What do you think of when you think of a narcissist? Someone with a big ego? Someone totally in love with themselves? Someone who’s really controlling? Well, there’s a little more to it.</p><p> </p><p>Because while narcissism is one of those words you’ll hear often enough (hey, MAFS), the traits and inherent behaviours that make up a narcissistic personality are actually pretty complex – it’s a lot deeper and more layered than simple vanity.</p><p>What’s more, narcissism may not be as easy to spot as you might think.</p><p>To find out more, we spoke to psychologist Lissy Abrahams and asked her everything we need to know about narcissistic behaviours – including the different characteristics and how to spot them.</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h3>What is narcissism?</h3>		\n		<p>First of all, what exactly is narcissism? While we often hear the term floating around, is it more than just being incredibly self-centred? Is it really something that is essentially bad?</p><p>Abrahams explains it like this: “Narcissism is a personality trait, where people are extremely self-focused, have an inflated sense of self, and have a huge need for praise and recognition. They lack awareness of how their behaviour and self-absorption impact others.”</p><p>“They can also disregard the rights and needs of others. Most of us have some periods where we are more self-preoccupied than others, however, for narcissists, their excessive self-involvement isn’t a fleeting state.”</p><p>While there is research out there that has revealed benefits associated with high narcissism (apparently mental toughness is one of them), it’s obviously a personality trait that can also be deeply damaging to others, sometimes resulting in a serious impact on mental health.</p><p>However, it’s important to remember that narcissist traits can also be quite subtle – you might not even recognise you’re dealing with a highly narcissistic individual.</p><p>That’s why it’s important to look at some of the core differences of narcissism and how to spot them.</p>		\n			<h3>What are the different types of narcissists?</h3>		\n		<p>Yep. There’s more than one type of narcissism. Experts say it’s best viewed on a spectrum to see where people sit. If you’re wondering how it works, the Narcissistic Personality Inventory (NPI), is the most commonly used measure of the trait.</p><p>“It’s useful to think about narcissism as occurring along a spectrum from adaptive to maladaptive. Narcissism is adaptive and productive to our lives when we have high self-confidence and a high level of self-reliance,” explains Abrahams.</p><p>“However, at the other end, when it’s maladaptive, the traits will negatively impact you and others.”</p><p>Abrahams said these traits include being entitled and displaying behaviours of superiority, using people, and arrogance.</p><p>“Narcissistic personality disorder is well and truly at the malignant end of the spectrum,” she said.</p><p>Below, we look at the five main kinds of narcissism and the common signs to look out for.</p>		\n			<h4>1. Overt or grandiose narcissism</h4>		\n		<p>An overt narcissist is more upfront with their methods of manipulation and generally won’t try to hide their ability to control others.</p><p>“They can be charming and enjoy the limelight on themselves. It can be easy to spot in others because being around them is somewhat uncomfortable – these are the people who regularly and shamelessly blow their own trumpet,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“They want others to recognise and admire them and have an inflated sense of self, even overstating their achievements. They’re often entitled and feel superior.”</p><p>Overt narcissists lack a sense of empathy, meaning they can be exploitative of others and their vulnerabilities, and excessively competitive, adds Abrahams.</p><p>“They lack the ability to reflect on how their excessive self-focus may be perceived by others.”</p>		\n			<h4>2. Covert or vulnerable narcissism</h4>		\n		<p>Covert narcissists are a little different. They tend to be more insidious and subtle with the methods they use to get what they want.</p><p>“This type of narcissism can be harder to detect than overt. They are still very self-focused but it’s quieter; more hidden in their introversion.”</p><p>“They are regularly preoccupied and express their low self-worth, their vulnerability, and how insecure they are. They are more likely to struggle with depression, shame and anxiety. They can feel victim-like.”</p><p>For example, while an overt narcissist might post a selfie on Instagram to assert how beautiful they are and remain the centre of everyone’s attention, a covert narcissist might post a selfie showing how sad or down they are, seeking emotional validation and pity from others.</p><p>Interesting, right?</p><p>“There’s still an absorption with themselves, about their deep sense of inadequacy and unworthiness. They have often experienced childhood abuse/neglect,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“They can be defensive when they’re not viewed as special because they’re preoccupied with this fear.”</p>		\n			<h4>3. Antagonistic narcissism</h4>		\n		<p>When it comes to antagonistic narcissists, these types of people always have an enemy and are often focused on ‘winning’.</p><p>“This type of narcissism is focused on rivalry and competition. At its heart, there’s a ‘them versus me’ mentality and a battle to win,” said Abrahams.</p><p>Think of the people who shout at other drivers, criticise shop attendants or waiters and are relatively unpleasant to be around. Sound familiar?</p><p>“They perpetually compete with others. They tend to argue and disagree with people, proving the ‘them versus me’ mindset. They can take advantage of people. They’re arrogant. It’s hard to connect with them.”</p>		\n			<h4>4. Communal narcissism</h4>		\n		<p>Communal narcissism is a specific type of narcissism that involves an individual seeking attention and praise from others by doing good deeds or acts of service for the community.</p><p>According to Abrahams, “This is seen in contrast to antagonistic narcissism, as people with communal narcissism receive a sense of self-importance and social power from being altruistic and fair to others.”</p><p>“They can see themselves as generous and caring yet their behaviour may reveal they are not as empathic as they believe – such as being easily morally outraged or having excessive reactions when they perceive unfairness. It’s not genuine concern for the welfare of others.”</p>		\n			<h4>5. Malignant narcissism</h4>		\n		<p>Welcome to the most exploitative type of narcissism: Malignant narcissism.</p><p>“Malignant narcissism is the nastiest type as they lack empathy. Even though they have a high self-regard and an excessive need for recognition, they can also be cruel and sadistic, even deriving enjoyment from this,” said Abrahams.</p><p>Often considered sociopaths, malignant narcissists lack a conscience and are highly abusive, enjoying seeing others hurt and suffering.</p><p>“They can be aggressive and vindictive. They can worry excessively about others being a potential threat, even to the point of paranoia.”</p><p>“This has links with psychopathic and/or antisocial personality disorder. They are harmful to be in a relationship with and will exploit you sexually, physically, emotionally, or financially. Run! Run fast!”</p>		\n			<h3>How to spot a narcissist</h3>		\n		<p>“It’s important to know the signs of narcissism, or its extreme form of narcissistic personality disorder, so you know what you are up against,” said Abrahams.</p><p>When it comes to spotting a narcissist, Abrahams said there are a few core behaviours you need to look out for.</p><p>“The signs below are all of someone with the disorder. Think of Donald Trump – he appears to tick all of these signs,” said Abrahams.</p><p>Look out for the below traits -</p><ul><li>- An exaggerated sense of self-importance</li><li>- A need for excessive admiration, praise, or perceived as superior (without the achievement)</li><li>- A sense of entitlement – expects compliance with their expectations<br />- Inflating achievements and talents</li><li>- Preoccupation with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate</li><li>- Elitism and concerned with “the best” of everything</li><li>- Monopolise conversations, belittling and demeaning people they perceive as inferior</li><li>- Exploitative of others – uses and misuses them</li><li>- Lacks empathy</li><li>- Consumed with envy and believes others envy them</li><li>- Arrogance, boastful and pretentious</li></ul><p>If any of these behaviours sound familiar, you might be dealing with a highly narcissistic individual.</p><p>“Narcissists can’t tolerate criticism at all. They’re easily offended. They can be emotionally dysregulated, becoming angry, rageful, and impatient if they don’t get their way or receive special treatment. When criticised they’ll be defensive and even cruel.”</p>		\n			<h3>Can narcissists be helped?</h3>		\n		<p>If you’re wondering how to help navigate a relationship with someone who is a narcissist – know that it’s not exactly simple.</p><p>Narcissists can be extremely problematic and damaging on multiple levels – physically, emotionally and financially – so cutting ties may often be the best solution.</p><p>“People with this personality trait or narcissistic personality disorder rarely seek treatment. They see nothing wrong with how self-focused they are or how they exploit and use others,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“They don’t come to therapy for help. In fact, the only time I see them in therapy is when their partner has dragged them in because they can’t stand the way they’ve been treated in the relationship. They don’t last long in the process – a session or two at most.”</p><p>“This is because they are seeking admiration and praise and can’t tolerate that they won’t be getting that in therapy. In fact, their partner may be displeased with them, or I may comment on their behaviour or way of operating which will always be perceived as a criticism. They never return.”</p><p>If you’d like to learn more from Lissy, check out <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/service/how-our-ego-harms-couple-relationships/\"><strong>how our ego can harm our relationships</strong></a>.</p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (1745084162)</em></p>','There Are 5 Types Of Narcissists. Here’s How To Spot Them',' Relationships can be TOUGH. And while things like cheating and trust issues are some very obvious red...','inherit','closed','closed','','5076-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 09:37:13','2022-08-26 09:37:13','',5076,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5135',0,'revision','',0),(5136,3,'2022-08-26 09:37:13','2022-08-26 09:37:13','<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>		\n            <h1>\n                MamaM!a            \n        </h1>\n            Article - source: Mamamia        \n            <h2>\n                There Are 5 Types Of Narcissists. Here’s How To Spot Them            \n        </h2>\n            28 February 2022        \n		<p>What do you think of when you think of a narcissist? Someone with a big ego? Someone totally in love with themselves? Someone who’s really controlling? Well, there’s a little more to it.</p><p> </p><p>Because while narcissism is one of those words you’ll hear often enough (hey, MAFS), the traits and inherent behaviours that make up a narcissistic personality are actually pretty complex – it’s a lot deeper and more layered than simple vanity.</p><p>What’s more, narcissism may not be as easy to spot as you might think.</p><p>To find out more, we spoke to psychologist Lissy Abrahams and asked her everything we need to know about narcissistic behaviours – including the different characteristics and how to spot them.</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h3>What is narcissism?</h3>		\n		<p>First of all, what exactly is narcissism? While we often hear the term floating around, is it more than just being incredibly self-centred? Is it really something that is essentially bad?</p><p>Abrahams explains it like this: “Narcissism is a personality trait, where people are extremely self-focused, have an inflated sense of self, and have a huge need for praise and recognition. They lack awareness of how their behaviour and self-absorption impact others.”</p><p>“They can also disregard the rights and needs of others. Most of us have some periods where we are more self-preoccupied than others, however, for narcissists, their excessive self-involvement isn’t a fleeting state.”</p><p>While there is research out there that has revealed benefits associated with high narcissism (apparently mental toughness is one of them), it’s obviously a personality trait that can also be deeply damaging to others, sometimes resulting in a serious impact on mental health.</p><p>However, it’s important to remember that narcissist traits can also be quite subtle – you might not even recognise you’re dealing with a highly narcissistic individual.</p><p>That’s why it’s important to look at some of the core differences of narcissism and how to spot them.</p>		\n			<h3>What are the different types of narcissists?</h3>		\n		<p>Yep. There’s more than one type of narcissism. Experts say it’s best viewed on a spectrum to see where people sit. If you’re wondering how it works, the Narcissistic Personality Inventory (NPI), is the most commonly used measure of the trait.</p><p>“It’s useful to think about narcissism as occurring along a spectrum from adaptive to maladaptive. Narcissism is adaptive and productive to our lives when we have high self-confidence and a high level of self-reliance,” explains Abrahams.</p><p>“However, at the other end, when it’s maladaptive, the traits will negatively impact you and others.”</p><p>Abrahams said these traits include being entitled and displaying behaviours of superiority, using people, and arrogance.</p><p>“Narcissistic personality disorder is well and truly at the malignant end of the spectrum,” she said.</p><p>Below, we look at the five main kinds of narcissism and the common signs to look out for.</p>		\n			<h4>1. Overt or grandiose narcissism</h4>		\n		<p>An overt narcissist is more upfront with their methods of manipulation and generally won’t try to hide their ability to control others.</p><p>“They can be charming and enjoy the limelight on themselves. It can be easy to spot in others because being around them is somewhat uncomfortable – these are the people who regularly and shamelessly blow their own trumpet,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“They want others to recognise and admire them and have an inflated sense of self, even overstating their achievements. They’re often entitled and feel superior.”</p><p>Overt narcissists lack a sense of empathy, meaning they can be exploitative of others and their vulnerabilities, and excessively competitive, adds Abrahams.</p><p>“They lack the ability to reflect on how their excessive self-focus may be perceived by others.”</p>		\n			<h4>2. Covert or vulnerable narcissism</h4>		\n		<p>Covert narcissists are a little different. They tend to be more insidious and subtle with the methods they use to get what they want.</p><p>“This type of narcissism can be harder to detect than overt. They are still very self-focused but it’s quieter; more hidden in their introversion.”</p><p>“They are regularly preoccupied and express their low self-worth, their vulnerability, and how insecure they are. They are more likely to struggle with depression, shame and anxiety. They can feel victim-like.”</p><p>For example, while an overt narcissist might post a selfie on Instagram to assert how beautiful they are and remain the centre of everyone’s attention, a covert narcissist might post a selfie showing how sad or down they are, seeking emotional validation and pity from others.</p><p>Interesting, right?</p><p>“There’s still an absorption with themselves, about their deep sense of inadequacy and unworthiness. They have often experienced childhood abuse/neglect,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“They can be defensive when they’re not viewed as special because they’re preoccupied with this fear.”</p>		\n			<h4>3. Antagonistic narcissism</h4>		\n		<p>When it comes to antagonistic narcissists, these types of people always have an enemy and are often focused on ‘winning’.</p><p>“This type of narcissism is focused on rivalry and competition. At its heart, there’s a ‘them versus me’ mentality and a battle to win,” said Abrahams.</p><p>Think of the people who shout at other drivers, criticise shop attendants or waiters and are relatively unpleasant to be around. Sound familiar?</p><p>“They perpetually compete with others. They tend to argue and disagree with people, proving the ‘them versus me’ mindset. They can take advantage of people. They’re arrogant. It’s hard to connect with them.”</p>		\n			<h4>4. Communal narcissism</h4>		\n		<p>Communal narcissism is a specific type of narcissism that involves an individual seeking attention and praise from others by doing good deeds or acts of service for the community.</p><p>According to Abrahams, “This is seen in contrast to antagonistic narcissism, as people with communal narcissism receive a sense of self-importance and social power from being altruistic and fair to others.”</p><p>“They can see themselves as generous and caring yet their behaviour may reveal they are not as empathic as they believe – such as being easily morally outraged or having excessive reactions when they perceive unfairness. It’s not genuine concern for the welfare of others.”</p>		\n			<h4>5. Malignant narcissism</h4>		\n		<p>Welcome to the most exploitative type of narcissism: Malignant narcissism.</p><p>“Malignant narcissism is the nastiest type as they lack empathy. Even though they have a high self-regard and an excessive need for recognition, they can also be cruel and sadistic, even deriving enjoyment from this,” said Abrahams.</p><p>Often considered sociopaths, malignant narcissists lack a conscience and are highly abusive, enjoying seeing others hurt and suffering.</p><p>“They can be aggressive and vindictive. They can worry excessively about others being a potential threat, even to the point of paranoia.”</p><p>“This has links with psychopathic and/or antisocial personality disorder. They are harmful to be in a relationship with and will exploit you sexually, physically, emotionally, or financially. Run! Run fast!”</p>		\n			<h3>How to spot a narcissist</h3>		\n		<p>“It’s important to know the signs of narcissism, or its extreme form of narcissistic personality disorder, so you know what you are up against,” said Abrahams.</p><p>When it comes to spotting a narcissist, Abrahams said there are a few core behaviours you need to look out for.</p><p>“The signs below are all of someone with the disorder. Think of Donald Trump – he appears to tick all of these signs,” said Abrahams.</p><p>Look out for the below traits -</p><ul><li>- An exaggerated sense of self-importance</li><li>- A need for excessive admiration, praise, or perceived as superior (without the achievement)</li><li>- A sense of entitlement – expects compliance with their expectations<br />- Inflating achievements and talents</li><li>- Preoccupation with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate</li><li>- Elitism and concerned with “the best” of everything</li><li>- Monopolise conversations, belittling and demeaning people they perceive as inferior</li><li>- Exploitative of others – uses and misuses them</li><li>- Lacks empathy</li><li>- Consumed with envy and believes others envy them</li><li>- Arrogance, boastful and pretentious</li></ul><p>If any of these behaviours sound familiar, you might be dealing with a highly narcissistic individual.</p><p>“Narcissists can’t tolerate criticism at all. They’re easily offended. They can be emotionally dysregulated, becoming angry, rageful, and impatient if they don’t get their way or receive special treatment. When criticised they’ll be defensive and even cruel.”</p>		\n			<h3>Can narcissists be helped?</h3>		\n		<p>If you’re wondering how to help navigate a relationship with someone who is a narcissist – know that it’s not exactly simple.</p><p>Narcissists can be extremely problematic and damaging on multiple levels – physically, emotionally and financially – so cutting ties may often be the best solution.</p><p>“People with this personality trait or narcissistic personality disorder rarely seek treatment. They see nothing wrong with how self-focused they are or how they exploit and use others,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“They don’t come to therapy for help. In fact, the only time I see them in therapy is when their partner has dragged them in because they can’t stand the way they’ve been treated in the relationship. They don’t last long in the process – a session or two at most.”</p><p>“This is because they are seeking admiration and praise and can’t tolerate that they won’t be getting that in therapy. In fact, their partner may be displeased with them, or I may comment on their behaviour or way of operating which will always be perceived as a criticism. They never return.”</p><p>If you’d like to learn more from Lissy, check out <a href=\"https://www.lissyabrahams.com/service/how-our-ego-harms-couple-relationships/\"><strong>how our ego can harm our relationships</strong></a>.</p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (1745084162)</em></p>','There Are 5 Types Of Narcissists. Here’s How To Spot Them',' Relationships can be TOUGH. And while things like cheating and trust issues are some very obvious red...','inherit','closed','closed','','5076-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 09:37:13','2022-08-26 09:37:13','',5076,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5136',0,'revision','',0),(5137,3,'2022-08-26 09:38:07','2022-08-26 09:38:07','<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>		\n            <h1>\n                Mamam!a            \n        </h1>\n            Article - source: Mamamia        \n            <h2>\n                4 Things To Do When You And Your Partner Have VERY Different Love Languages            \n        </h2>\n            4 February 2022        \n		<p>Quick one: How do you show love to your partner? Cuddles? Quality time? Compliments?</p><p> </p><p>Because as you might already know, according to The 5 Love Languages by marriage counsellor Gary Chapman, there are some very different principles of communicating love.</p><p>This means how we express and receive love might be totally opposite to how our partner displays love to us, which can cause some… difficulties.</p><p>But just because you and your S.O. speak different love languages, it doesn’t mean everything is going to go to s**t. Nah. It just means you have to work a little harder in communicating what you both need from each other.</p><p>If you’re wondering where to start, we asked couples counsellor Lissy Abrahams for everything we need to know about coping with different love languages.</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h3>What are the different love languages?</h3>		\n		<p>Woah! Hold up. Before we get into it, it’s probably worth giving you a quick rundown on what the different love languages actually are, right?</p><p>Abrahams said, “These love language categories offer a helpful structure for capturing the differences in partner-to-partner caring gestures and loving behaviour.”</p><p>“Many of us would fit into many categories, and some of us have one dominant category. They add a dimension to couple relationships that explain why some couples have a smoother or bumpier ride together.”</p><p>But don’t worry, figuring out your partner’s love language is actually a lot easier than you might think. Seriously, it is! All you have to do is pay close attention to what they do and say, and you’ll be able to suss it out.</p><p>Below are the five different love languages, and what they mean -</p>		\n			<h4>1. Words of affirmation</h4>		\n		<p>First up? Spoken and written forms of affirmation. “Written forms can be notes, texts, social media posts,” said Abrahams. “These words allow them to feel appreciated, valued, desired, admired, loved or cared about. They never tire of receiving these messages.”</p>		\n			<h4>2. Quality time</h4>		\n		<p>This second category obviously relates to partners wishing to spend time together. “This could be quality time on a date or even conversing where both partners have focussed attention and are present without distractions,” said Abrahams.</p>		\n			<h4>3. Gifts</h4>		\n		<p>“Chapman calls these the ‘visual symbols of love,\'” said Abrahams. “The one offering the gift has had their partner in mind throughout the experience and made them a priority. Gifts can differ in size or monetary value.”</p>		\n			<h4>4. Acts of service</h4>		\n		<p>“This category of love language is for people who like to show their love by helping their partner or by making life nicer for them in some way,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“They take an action as a gesture of love. These acts are performed to acknowledge one’s partner and their value. People who do acts of service see themselves as a resource and are able to offer themselves up as part of the solution to problems or situations. They don’t need to be asked.”</p>		\n			<h4>5. Physical touch</h4>		\n		<p>In this category, Abrahams said partners feel love and connection through the physical and sexual realm and want this prioritised in the relationship.</p><p>“Physical touch is a primitive response for animals with their offspring, and this can be comforting, protective and bonding. Many of us use this love language from childhood, adding the sexual dimension into our couple relationship,” she adds.</p>		\n			<h3>What to do when you and your partner have different love languages</h3>		\n		<p>First off, you need to be aware that it’s common to be with someone who speaks a different love language to you. You don’t need to speak the same language in order to have a successful relationship.</p><p>It is important, however, to know the differences.</p><p>“Without understanding these differences, partners can easily become resentful, lonely, or frustrated. They can even destabilise the relationship,” she said.</p><p>“Sometimes the differences can feel as if one’s partner is not truly in the relationship. If we don’t register our partner’s love gestures or words of affirmation, then our ego may construct narratives of how unloving or uncaring they are.”</p><p>“Tragically, when these feelings take over, it can even lead to separation and divorce. This is why it’s important to acknowledge and register each other’s gestures of love.”</p><p>If you and your partner have different ways of showing love and affection and if it’s creating a rift of misunderstanding in your relationship, here are a few things that can help... </p>		\n			<h4>1. Listen to your partner’s comments on the relationship</h4>		\n		<p>While it’s normal for partners to have different love languages and express feelings differently, the key is to communicate openly with each other about what you need.</p><p>Without this, they don’t know what you want from them and you don’t know what they need from you.</p><p>So, how do you know if you’ve been missing important information they need you to know?</p><p>Abrahams outlines the below signs -</p><p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\">- “Do they tell you they feel lonely or bored in the relationship? They may miss having quality time with you and truly feeling connected,” she said,<br />- “Do they comment about the lack of physical intimacy in the relationship or that it’s one-sided? Do they comment that physical intimacy has gone and is only there when you want sex?”<br />- “Do they want you to surprise them with gifts? Are they feeling you don’t think about them in your absence? Do you? If yes, how do you convey this to them?”<br />- “Do they want you to say the words, ‘I love you’ or ‘You look beautiful’? Do they want to hear how special they are or your positive feelings about them? Are you assuming they pick this up day-to-day?”<br />- “Does your partner feel resentful of making the effort and doing things for you? Are you missing their acts of service?”</p>		\n			<h4>2. Ask your partner about their love languages</h4>		\n		<p>Again, if you don’t understand how your partner shows love, you’re going to have a bad time.</p><p>“You may be missing many loving gestures as they are not on your radar,” said Abrahams. “You may also become dismissive or resentful of your partner if you don’t put these gestures into the equation.”</p><p>“I’ve been guilty of this as my partner shows love through acts of service. On the weekend he brings me a cup of coffee in bed, which I love. He also does a huge grocery shop which I dislike doing.</p><p>“It’s easy to take these for granted as they can become part of the normal chore distribution in a household, however, he started them to support and care for me.”</p>		\n			<h4>3. Share your love languages with your partner</h4>		\n		<p>“They need to become aware of your love languages, so they understand you better. It’s important they understand you and your gestures,” explains Abrahams.</p><p>“For example, many people like to cook a meal for their partner. This takes thought, effort, and time. It’s easy to overlook this gesture of love. Maybe they are not aware of yours.”</p>		\n			<h4>4. Be respectful of differences</h4>		\n		<p>This one’s important, you guys. While we can learn to communicate and compromise, you shouldn’t necessarily try to change a person’s love language.</p><p>“No one’s category of love language is right or wrong, just different,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“Be respectful of their way and take care not to diminish their gestures as not relevant or not good enough for you.”</p>		\n			<h3>Why it’s important to support each other’s love languages</h3>		\n		<p>When we don’t receive the love the way we want it, Abrahams said we can become dissatisfied or hurt and even controlling to get what we want.</p><p>According to Abrahams, there are a few negative things that might happen if you choose to ignore each other’s love languages - </p><ul><li style=\"list-style-type: none;\"><ul><li>- “For partners with a dominant love language of words of affirmation, without these acknowledgments, they may feel unloved, unlovable, or lonely.”</li><li>- “For partners who value quality time, they can easily feel slighted or distressed if their partner doesn’t support this. If their partner is easily distracted or unfocused, this can be experienced as not caring. They may conclude their partner may not want to be with them.”</li><li>- “If partners have a love language of offering gifts to show love, without their partner being similar they may feel not thought about or not valued by their partner. This can be distressing.”</li><li>- “If partners who value physical touch are left too untouched, they can feel lonely and undesired. This can be experienced as personal and hurtful.”</li><li>- “For partners strong on acts of service they may appear selfish and unsupportive. This can harm the relationship.”</li></ul></li></ul><p>Importantly, Abrahams notes that a lot of how we communicate love stems from our past experiences and our childhood.</p><p>“So, it’s important to remember that it’s not our partner’s job to ‘fix’ our need for cuddles or how we feel loved up by receiving gifts,” she said.</p><p>“There is also no way they will meet all of these needs and we need to be careful not to blame them when they can’t or don’t meet them.</p><p>“If you sense you have childhood needs that still hurt you then it’s important to heal those, potentially through therapy, podcasts, or books. This means your relationship won’t be burdened by these unmet needs of the past being imposed in the present.\"</p>','4 Things To Do When You And Your Partner Have VERY Different Love Languages',' Relationships can be TOUGH. And while things like cheating and trust issues are some very obvious red...','inherit','closed','closed','','5084-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 09:38:07','2022-08-26 09:38:07','',5084,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5137',0,'revision','',0),(5138,3,'2022-08-26 09:38:07','2022-08-26 09:38:07','<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>		\n            <h1>\n                Mamam!a            \n        </h1>\n            Article - source: Mamamia        \n            <h2>\n                4 Things To Do When You And Your Partner Have VERY Different Love Languages            \n        </h2>\n            4 February 2022        \n		<p>Quick one: How do you show love to your partner? Cuddles? Quality time? Compliments?</p><p> </p><p>Because as you might already know, according to The 5 Love Languages by marriage counsellor Gary Chapman, there are some very different principles of communicating love.</p><p>This means how we express and receive love might be totally opposite to how our partner displays love to us, which can cause some… difficulties.</p><p>But just because you and your S.O. speak different love languages, it doesn’t mean everything is going to go to s**t. Nah. It just means you have to work a little harder in communicating what you both need from each other.</p><p>If you’re wondering where to start, we asked couples counsellor Lissy Abrahams for everything we need to know about coping with different love languages.</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h3>What are the different love languages?</h3>		\n		<p>Woah! Hold up. Before we get into it, it’s probably worth giving you a quick rundown on what the different love languages actually are, right?</p><p>Abrahams said, “These love language categories offer a helpful structure for capturing the differences in partner-to-partner caring gestures and loving behaviour.”</p><p>“Many of us would fit into many categories, and some of us have one dominant category. They add a dimension to couple relationships that explain why some couples have a smoother or bumpier ride together.”</p><p>But don’t worry, figuring out your partner’s love language is actually a lot easier than you might think. Seriously, it is! All you have to do is pay close attention to what they do and say, and you’ll be able to suss it out.</p><p>Below are the five different love languages, and what they mean -</p>		\n			<h4>1. Words of affirmation</h4>		\n		<p>First up? Spoken and written forms of affirmation. “Written forms can be notes, texts, social media posts,” said Abrahams. “These words allow them to feel appreciated, valued, desired, admired, loved or cared about. They never tire of receiving these messages.”</p>		\n			<h4>2. Quality time</h4>		\n		<p>This second category obviously relates to partners wishing to spend time together. “This could be quality time on a date or even conversing where both partners have focussed attention and are present without distractions,” said Abrahams.</p>		\n			<h4>3. Gifts</h4>		\n		<p>“Chapman calls these the ‘visual symbols of love,\'” said Abrahams. “The one offering the gift has had their partner in mind throughout the experience and made them a priority. Gifts can differ in size or monetary value.”</p>		\n			<h4>4. Acts of service</h4>		\n		<p>“This category of love language is for people who like to show their love by helping their partner or by making life nicer for them in some way,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“They take an action as a gesture of love. These acts are performed to acknowledge one’s partner and their value. People who do acts of service see themselves as a resource and are able to offer themselves up as part of the solution to problems or situations. They don’t need to be asked.”</p>		\n			<h4>5. Physical touch</h4>		\n		<p>In this category, Abrahams said partners feel love and connection through the physical and sexual realm and want this prioritised in the relationship.</p><p>“Physical touch is a primitive response for animals with their offspring, and this can be comforting, protective and bonding. Many of us use this love language from childhood, adding the sexual dimension into our couple relationship,” she adds.</p>		\n			<h3>What to do when you and your partner have different love languages</h3>		\n		<p>First off, you need to be aware that it’s common to be with someone who speaks a different love language to you. You don’t need to speak the same language in order to have a successful relationship.</p><p>It is important, however, to know the differences.</p><p>“Without understanding these differences, partners can easily become resentful, lonely, or frustrated. They can even destabilise the relationship,” she said.</p><p>“Sometimes the differences can feel as if one’s partner is not truly in the relationship. If we don’t register our partner’s love gestures or words of affirmation, then our ego may construct narratives of how unloving or uncaring they are.”</p><p>“Tragically, when these feelings take over, it can even lead to separation and divorce. This is why it’s important to acknowledge and register each other’s gestures of love.”</p><p>If you and your partner have different ways of showing love and affection and if it’s creating a rift of misunderstanding in your relationship, here are a few things that can help... </p>		\n			<h4>1. Listen to your partner’s comments on the relationship</h4>		\n		<p>While it’s normal for partners to have different love languages and express feelings differently, the key is to communicate openly with each other about what you need.</p><p>Without this, they don’t know what you want from them and you don’t know what they need from you.</p><p>So, how do you know if you’ve been missing important information they need you to know?</p><p>Abrahams outlines the below signs -</p><p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\">- “Do they tell you they feel lonely or bored in the relationship? They may miss having quality time with you and truly feeling connected,” she said,<br />- “Do they comment about the lack of physical intimacy in the relationship or that it’s one-sided? Do they comment that physical intimacy has gone and is only there when you want sex?”<br />- “Do they want you to surprise them with gifts? Are they feeling you don’t think about them in your absence? Do you? If yes, how do you convey this to them?”<br />- “Do they want you to say the words, ‘I love you’ or ‘You look beautiful’? Do they want to hear how special they are or your positive feelings about them? Are you assuming they pick this up day-to-day?”<br />- “Does your partner feel resentful of making the effort and doing things for you? Are you missing their acts of service?”</p>		\n			<h4>2. Ask your partner about their love languages</h4>		\n		<p>Again, if you don’t understand how your partner shows love, you’re going to have a bad time.</p><p>“You may be missing many loving gestures as they are not on your radar,” said Abrahams. “You may also become dismissive or resentful of your partner if you don’t put these gestures into the equation.”</p><p>“I’ve been guilty of this as my partner shows love through acts of service. On the weekend he brings me a cup of coffee in bed, which I love. He also does a huge grocery shop which I dislike doing.</p><p>“It’s easy to take these for granted as they can become part of the normal chore distribution in a household, however, he started them to support and care for me.”</p>		\n			<h4>3. Share your love languages with your partner</h4>		\n		<p>“They need to become aware of your love languages, so they understand you better. It’s important they understand you and your gestures,” explains Abrahams.</p><p>“For example, many people like to cook a meal for their partner. This takes thought, effort, and time. It’s easy to overlook this gesture of love. Maybe they are not aware of yours.”</p>		\n			<h4>4. Be respectful of differences</h4>		\n		<p>This one’s important, you guys. While we can learn to communicate and compromise, you shouldn’t necessarily try to change a person’s love language.</p><p>“No one’s category of love language is right or wrong, just different,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“Be respectful of their way and take care not to diminish their gestures as not relevant or not good enough for you.”</p>		\n			<h3>Why it’s important to support each other’s love languages</h3>		\n		<p>When we don’t receive the love the way we want it, Abrahams said we can become dissatisfied or hurt and even controlling to get what we want.</p><p>According to Abrahams, there are a few negative things that might happen if you choose to ignore each other’s love languages - </p><ul><li style=\"list-style-type: none;\"><ul><li>- “For partners with a dominant love language of words of affirmation, without these acknowledgments, they may feel unloved, unlovable, or lonely.”</li><li>- “For partners who value quality time, they can easily feel slighted or distressed if their partner doesn’t support this. If their partner is easily distracted or unfocused, this can be experienced as not caring. They may conclude their partner may not want to be with them.”</li><li>- “If partners have a love language of offering gifts to show love, without their partner being similar they may feel not thought about or not valued by their partner. This can be distressing.”</li><li>- “If partners who value physical touch are left too untouched, they can feel lonely and undesired. This can be experienced as personal and hurtful.”</li><li>- “For partners strong on acts of service they may appear selfish and unsupportive. This can harm the relationship.”</li></ul></li></ul><p>Importantly, Abrahams notes that a lot of how we communicate love stems from our past experiences and our childhood.</p><p>“So, it’s important to remember that it’s not our partner’s job to ‘fix’ our need for cuddles or how we feel loved up by receiving gifts,” she said.</p><p>“There is also no way they will meet all of these needs and we need to be careful not to blame them when they can’t or don’t meet them.</p><p>“If you sense you have childhood needs that still hurt you then it’s important to heal those, potentially through therapy, podcasts, or books. This means your relationship won’t be burdened by these unmet needs of the past being imposed in the present.\"</p>','4 Things To Do When You And Your Partner Have VERY Different Love Languages',' Relationships can be TOUGH. And while things like cheating and trust issues are some very obvious red...','inherit','closed','closed','','5084-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 09:38:07','2022-08-26 09:38:07','',5084,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5138',0,'revision','',0),(5139,3,'2022-08-26 09:38:07','2022-08-26 09:38:07','<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-column .elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--spacer-size)}.e-container{--container-widget-width:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer{width:var(--container-widget-width,var(--spacer-size));-ms-flex-item-align:stretch;align-self:stretch;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container,.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer{height:100%}.e-container>.elementor-widget-spacer>.elementor-widget-container>.elementor-spacer>.elementor-spacer-inner{height:var(--container-widget-height,var(--spacer-size))}</style>		\n            <h1>\n                MamaM!a            \n        </h1>\n            Article - source: Mamamia        \n            <h2>\n                4 Things To Do When You And Your Partner Have VERY Different Love Languages            \n        </h2>\n            4 February 2022        \n		<p>Quick one: How do you show love to your partner? Cuddles? Quality time? Compliments?</p><p> </p><p>Because as you might already know, according to The 5 Love Languages by marriage counsellor Gary Chapman, there are some very different principles of communicating love.</p><p>This means how we express and receive love might be totally opposite to how our partner displays love to us, which can cause some… difficulties.</p><p>But just because you and your S.O. speak different love languages, it doesn’t mean everything is going to go to s**t. Nah. It just means you have to work a little harder in communicating what you both need from each other.</p><p>If you’re wondering where to start, we asked couples counsellor Lissy Abrahams for everything we need to know about coping with different love languages.</p>		\n			<style>/*! elementor - v3.7.2 - 21-08-2022 */\n.elementor-heading-title{padding:0;margin:0;line-height:1}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title[class*=elementor-size-]>a{color:inherit;font-size:inherit;line-height:inherit}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-small{font-size:15px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-medium{font-size:19px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-large{font-size:29px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xl{font-size:39px}.elementor-widget-heading .elementor-heading-title.elementor-size-xxl{font-size:59px}</style><h3>What are the different love languages?</h3>		\n		<p>Woah! Hold up. Before we get into it, it’s probably worth giving you a quick rundown on what the different love languages actually are, right?</p><p>Abrahams said, “These love language categories offer a helpful structure for capturing the differences in partner-to-partner caring gestures and loving behaviour.”</p><p>“Many of us would fit into many categories, and some of us have one dominant category. They add a dimension to couple relationships that explain why some couples have a smoother or bumpier ride together.”</p><p>But don’t worry, figuring out your partner’s love language is actually a lot easier than you might think. Seriously, it is! All you have to do is pay close attention to what they do and say, and you’ll be able to suss it out.</p><p>Below are the five different love languages, and what they mean -</p>		\n			<h4>1. Words of affirmation</h4>		\n		<p>First up? Spoken and written forms of affirmation. “Written forms can be notes, texts, social media posts,” said Abrahams. “These words allow them to feel appreciated, valued, desired, admired, loved or cared about. They never tire of receiving these messages.”</p>		\n			<h4>2. Quality time</h4>		\n		<p>This second category obviously relates to partners wishing to spend time together. “This could be quality time on a date or even conversing where both partners have focussed attention and are present without distractions,” said Abrahams.</p>		\n			<h4>3. Gifts</h4>		\n		<p>“Chapman calls these the ‘visual symbols of love,\'” said Abrahams. “The one offering the gift has had their partner in mind throughout the experience and made them a priority. Gifts can differ in size or monetary value.”</p>		\n			<h4>4. Acts of service</h4>		\n		<p>“This category of love language is for people who like to show their love by helping their partner or by making life nicer for them in some way,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“They take an action as a gesture of love. These acts are performed to acknowledge one’s partner and their value. People who do acts of service see themselves as a resource and are able to offer themselves up as part of the solution to problems or situations. They don’t need to be asked.”</p>		\n			<h4>5. Physical touch</h4>		\n		<p>In this category, Abrahams said partners feel love and connection through the physical and sexual realm and want this prioritised in the relationship.</p><p>“Physical touch is a primitive response for animals with their offspring, and this can be comforting, protective and bonding. Many of us use this love language from childhood, adding the sexual dimension into our couple relationship,” she adds.</p>		\n			<h3>What to do when you and your partner have different love languages</h3>		\n		<p>First off, you need to be aware that it’s common to be with someone who speaks a different love language to you. You don’t need to speak the same language in order to have a successful relationship.</p><p>It is important, however, to know the differences.</p><p>“Without understanding these differences, partners can easily become resentful, lonely, or frustrated. They can even destabilise the relationship,” she said.</p><p>“Sometimes the differences can feel as if one’s partner is not truly in the relationship. If we don’t register our partner’s love gestures or words of affirmation, then our ego may construct narratives of how unloving or uncaring they are.”</p><p>“Tragically, when these feelings take over, it can even lead to separation and divorce. This is why it’s important to acknowledge and register each other’s gestures of love.”</p><p>If you and your partner have different ways of showing love and affection and if it’s creating a rift of misunderstanding in your relationship, here are a few things that can help... </p>		\n			<h4>1. Listen to your partner’s comments on the relationship</h4>		\n		<p>While it’s normal for partners to have different love languages and express feelings differently, the key is to communicate openly with each other about what you need.</p><p>Without this, they don’t know what you want from them and you don’t know what they need from you.</p><p>So, how do you know if you’ve been missing important information they need you to know?</p><p>Abrahams outlines the below signs -</p><p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\">- “Do they tell you they feel lonely or bored in the relationship? They may miss having quality time with you and truly feeling connected,” she said,<br />- “Do they comment about the lack of physical intimacy in the relationship or that it’s one-sided? Do they comment that physical intimacy has gone and is only there when you want sex?”<br />- “Do they want you to surprise them with gifts? Are they feeling you don’t think about them in your absence? Do you? If yes, how do you convey this to them?”<br />- “Do they want you to say the words, ‘I love you’ or ‘You look beautiful’? Do they want to hear how special they are or your positive feelings about them? Are you assuming they pick this up day-to-day?”<br />- “Does your partner feel resentful of making the effort and doing things for you? Are you missing their acts of service?”</p>		\n			<h4>2. Ask your partner about their love languages</h4>		\n		<p>Again, if you don’t understand how your partner shows love, you’re going to have a bad time.</p><p>“You may be missing many loving gestures as they are not on your radar,” said Abrahams. “You may also become dismissive or resentful of your partner if you don’t put these gestures into the equation.”</p><p>“I’ve been guilty of this as my partner shows love through acts of service. On the weekend he brings me a cup of coffee in bed, which I love. He also does a huge grocery shop which I dislike doing.</p><p>“It’s easy to take these for granted as they can become part of the normal chore distribution in a household, however, he started them to support and care for me.”</p>		\n			<h4>3. Share your love languages with your partner</h4>		\n		<p>“They need to become aware of your love languages, so they understand you better. It’s important they understand you and your gestures,” explains Abrahams.</p><p>“For example, many people like to cook a meal for their partner. This takes thought, effort, and time. It’s easy to overlook this gesture of love. Maybe they are not aware of yours.”</p>		\n			<h4>4. Be respectful of differences</h4>		\n		<p>This one’s important, you guys. While we can learn to communicate and compromise, you shouldn’t necessarily try to change a person’s love language.</p><p>“No one’s category of love language is right or wrong, just different,” said Abrahams.</p><p>“Be respectful of their way and take care not to diminish their gestures as not relevant or not good enough for you.”</p>		\n			<h3>Why it’s important to support each other’s love languages</h3>		\n		<p>When we don’t receive the love the way we want it, Abrahams said we can become dissatisfied or hurt and even controlling to get what we want.</p><p>According to Abrahams, there are a few negative things that might happen if you choose to ignore each other’s love languages - </p><ul><li style=\"list-style-type: none;\"><ul><li>- “For partners with a dominant love language of words of affirmation, without these acknowledgments, they may feel unloved, unlovable, or lonely.”</li><li>- “For partners who value quality time, they can easily feel slighted or distressed if their partner doesn’t support this. If their partner is easily distracted or unfocused, this can be experienced as not caring. They may conclude their partner may not want to be with them.”</li><li>- “If partners have a love language of offering gifts to show love, without their partner being similar they may feel not thought about or not valued by their partner. This can be distressing.”</li><li>- “If partners who value physical touch are left too untouched, they can feel lonely and undesired. This can be experienced as personal and hurtful.”</li><li>- “For partners strong on acts of service they may appear selfish and unsupportive. This can harm the relationship.”</li></ul></li></ul><p>Importantly, Abrahams notes that a lot of how we communicate love stems from our past experiences and our childhood.</p><p>“So, it’s important to remember that it’s not our partner’s job to ‘fix’ our need for cuddles or how we feel loved up by receiving gifts,” she said.</p><p>“There is also no way they will meet all of these needs and we need to be careful not to blame them when they can’t or don’t meet them.</p><p>“If you sense you have childhood needs that still hurt you then it’s important to heal those, potentially through therapy, podcasts, or books. This means your relationship won’t be burdened by these unmet needs of the past being imposed in the present.\"</p>','4 Things To Do When You And Your Partner Have VERY Different Love Languages',' Relationships can be TOUGH. And while things like cheating and trust issues are some very obvious red...','inherit','closed','closed','','5084-revision-v1','','','2022-08-26 09:38:07','2022-08-26 09:38:07','',5084,'https://www.lissyabrahams.com/?p=5139',0,'revision','',0),