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- source: Mamamia\",\"heading_text\":\"What to know about your \'relational template\' and how it affects the way you treat your partner.\",\"description_text\":\"14 August 2022\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"cms_heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"dab5d10\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1fb5858\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3c137ff\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>How we respond and react to our partner in our committed\\u00a0adult relationships\\u00a0is predominantly related to our\\u00a0childhood experiences\\u00a0with our parents or\\u00a0primary caregivers.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>These early influences on our lives create an imprint of relationships, which we may or may not be aware of.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>This imprint is like a relational template, which shapes our ideas and\\u00a0expectations of relationships\\u00a0and of how we and our\\u00a0partner should communicate\\u00a0and behave in our relationship.<\\/p><p>Our mind and body are wired to relate to our partner according to this relational template.<\\/p><h3><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><strong>Relational templates in couple relationships<\\/strong><\\/span><\\/h3><p>\\u00a0<\\/p><p>In any relationship, we\\u2019ll share some beliefs with our partner about how relationships should work, but we never have the same relational templates. That\\u2019s because we have lived in different homes, had different families and had completely different experiences.<\\/p><p>It\\u2019s important for us to remember this, as we often create a fantasy that we should have similar views, expectations and behaviours in relationships. Even though it would be convenient if this were the case, this simply can\\u2019t occur, as we\\u2019re two very different beings and our life experiences have left us with different\\u00a0relational imprints.<\\/p><p>Below are just a few examples of life experiences that would differ from our partner\\u2019s experiences, creating differing parental responses and contributing to our different relational templates:<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"},{\"id\":\"cdfadfc\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"Parents\\u2019 expectations or rules\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"21e4fbf\"},{\"text\":\"Parents\\u2019 capacity to emotionally see us as a child\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"af5431b\"},{\"text\":\"Sense of parental protectiveness and safety\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"70e972f\"},{\"text\":\"Parents\\u2019 own relationship: conflict, capacity for repair, their ability to apologise, gestures of love\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"527013f\"},{\"text\":\"Parents\\u2019 separation or divorce\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"4699b30\"},{\"text\":\"Parental experiences with extended families\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"7c78b07\"},{\"text\":\"Family trauma such as early parental death or illness, poverty, a sudden loss of money, or being a migrant\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"67eaa52\"},{\"text\":\"Own separation or divorce\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"d42aecc\"},{\"text\":\"Relationships with siblings and birth order\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"129a0ca\"}],\"icon_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"},{\"id\":\"f8385bb\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>We can see how these experiences shape our mind, our relational wiring, how we absorb and process information and experiences, and how we feel about them.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>These life experiences shape our ability to tolerate different viewpoints, and influence whether we listen well to our partner or find it difficult. They also influence what we react to and how, and what sets us off into fight-or-flight mode.<\\/p><p>We all grow up in environments that are uniquely ours. Therefore, in our relationship we\\u2019ll always encounter differences that\\u00a0we\\u2019ll need to work through together. We all have different triggers and behave differently in fight-or-flight mode.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>We all have different thoughts about conflict: who was right or wrong? Who was to blame? Who started it? And we all have a different understanding of why we fight with our partner. All these beliefs and behaviours define our default expectations, rules for safety and non-negotiables in our relationship.<\\/p><p>Our relational template will determine how we react to our partner when our expectations of each other and our relationship differ. Sometimes we can talk through differences; other times we can\\u2019t. Sometimes we can feel frightened by our partner\\u2019s actions, words or behaviour.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Our relational templates are different, and the\\u00a0gap between them can be perceived as a threat.<\\/p><p>Understanding our relational templates is critical if we want or need to reduce conflict and form a healthier relationship with our partner.<\\/p><h3><strong><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\">Why it\'s important to understand your relational template<\\/span><\\/strong><\\/h3>\",\"_margin\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"15\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"39e47e0\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9601371\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"e0b2aa9\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>We all need to examine how our childhood experiences persist inside of us today, and how this impacts our relationship. Only when we make these connections, can we change the dynamic of our couple conflict. We, as individuals, can make our relationship\\u00a0better.<\\/p><p>In the first one or two sessions with a new client or couple, I always seek some access to their relational template and wiring. I simply ask them about their relationship with their parents and what their parents\\u2019 relationship was like growing up.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>By understanding how we\\u2019re relationally wired, we can learn how to avoid getting into the emotional boxing ring, and if we do\\u00a0happen to\\u00a0find ourselves there, we can exit faster with fewer body blows. When we understand this, we can then understand why we\\u00a0really fight with our partner. This is a game changer.<\\/p><p>To do this, we\\u2019ll look at our experiences with parents or caregivers where we felt secure and protected, as well as experiences where we felt less safe or less protected. This will offer clues about our relational wiring and help us understand why and how we fight with our partner. This exercise isn\\u2019t about blaming or shaming anyone.<\\/p><p>It\\u2019s not about accusing our parents or judging them for how we were\\u00a0raised. This is about objectively considering what happened in the past to understand how our relational wiring impacts our adult\\u00a0relationship today.<\\/p><p>I\\u2019d love for everyone to see how normal it is to have couple conflict. The truth is that couple relationships are often messy and complicated.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>During the dizzy joy of the honeymoon period, we often have no idea that we can end up locked in confusing and exhausting cycles of conflict. We have no idea that at the heart of these episodes is fear and a lack of safety.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>But this is not new\\u00a0\\u2013\\u00a0this is from our childhood and was encoded way back then.<\\/p><h3><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><strong>Safety and trust develop in childhood<\\/strong><\\/span><\\/h3>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"1a672aa\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1b2d83f\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"728e302\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>We\\u2019re not born feeling safe. In fact, it\\u2019s the opposite. Just think of a newborn baby with no ability to dress itself, feed itself or even soothe itself. From the moment they\\u2019re born, they\\u2019re completely dependent on their parents for their survival. This enormous dependency means danger and threat is never far away. When we hear a hungry baby crying, it pulls at our heartstrings because their distress is so evident. They can\\u2019t go to the fridge and grab a snack.<\\/p><p>They\\u2019re literally screaming for their lives, and their nervous system is registering danger and threat.<\\/p><p>As a baby, our sense of safety develops when we\\u2019re with parents who protect, feed, soothe and nurture us. We learn to feel safe knowing our parents are with us, attending to things we simply can\\u2019t do yet.<\\/p><p>As children, it is written deeply into our mammalian core that it\\u2019s our parents\\u2019 job to keep us safe. That\\u2019s why children instinctively seek their parents when they\\u2019re hurt or afraid.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>When our parents protect us, meet our basic needs, comfort us and are available to us, we learn we can really trust them. These experiences calm our nervous system, and we feel safe.<\\/p><p>When parents take care of our physical and emotional safety, we can have some scrapes, be soothed by them, recover and re-establish our feelings of being protected.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>We will still experience fear and danger, but we know our parent will comfort us. When these experiences are repeated during our childhood, we learn to tolerate upsetting and distressing experiences. This is how we become more resilient, and all of\\u00a0these moments of comfort and soothing\\u00a0are encoded in our relational wiring.<\\/p><p>It\\u2019s important to note that no parent can offer perfect protection and safety; we have all had some experiences where our parents\\u00a0were not physically or emotionally able to help us feel secure.<\\/p><p>Parents are also human, and they can be out of line at times,\\u00a0or maybe even a little frightening. There will always be ruptures or difficulties in parent\\u2013child relationships, but what\\u2019s critical is how\\u00a0they\\u2019re repaired.<\\/p><p>When our parent repeatedly sees that we\\u2019re slightly frightened or are feeling an absence of protection from them and they\\u2019re apologetic, this becomes an established pattern that\\u00a0we learn to rely on.<\\/p><p>As they repeatedly re-establish trust with us, we\\u2019re more likely to develop distress tolerance, which we carry through to our adult relationships. This is how our relational wiring around safety and\\u00a0trust develops\\u00a0\\u2013\\u00a0through our parent\\u2013child relationships.<\\/p><h3><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><strong>The theory of relational wiring<\\/strong><\\/span><\\/h3>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"3488013\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"08935af\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9b4231e\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>The importance of security and safety in childhood has been extensively studied across the world through a body of research and clinical work called attachment theory, and it forms the basis of our relational wiring.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>This work, started by John Bowlby, examines the types of\\u00a0emotional bonds children form with their parents or primary caregivers. He described attachment as a special emotional\\u00a0relationship that involves an exchange of comfort, care and pleasure.<\\/p><p>It\\u2019s easy to understand how a baby would see their parent or primary caregiver as an attachment figure. As babies, we normally don\\u2019t have many primary attachment figures\\u00a0\\u2013\\u00a0sometimes just one\\u00a0\\u2013\\u00a0with whom we share that exchange.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>We\\u2019ve already talked about how vulnerable and dependent a baby truly is, so having an attachment figure who is focused on them increases their chance of survival.<\\/p><p>Researchers were interested in the distress behaviours babies revealed when they were left alone by their parent (attachment figure) and were suddenly feeling vulnerable and unsafe. Any parent whose baby cries when they go to the toilet will know exactly how this feels.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>What\\u2019s important to take away from this is that loss or the threat of loss is central to psychological distress.<\\/p><h3><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><strong>Research: The Adult Attachment Interview<\\/strong><\\/span><\\/h3>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"0167f40\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"47c38bb\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"ae55576\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>The Adult Attachment Interview was a protocol developed in 1985 using a semi-structured interview with participants to determine their mental representations of their childhood attachment experiences. The aim is to get a sense of their relational template.<\\/p><p>It\\u2019s a complex interview, and requires training to conduct. In a nutshell, it focuses on two key areas:<\\/p><p>1. Eliciting the subject\\u2019s memories and their relationship with their parent(s) in childhood, including how they coped.<\\/p><p>2. The extent to which they evaluated or integrated those experiences as an adult today, and their current relationships with their parent(s).<\\/p><p>The subjects were also assessed for the coherence of their narrative. This was done by assessing how truthful and consistent they were, whether there was too little or too much information provided, how relevant the material was, and finally whether they were clear in the interview.<\\/p><p>This research was groundbreaking. It found that our adult attachment styles map onto our infant attachment styles. They weren\\u2019t always an exact fit, but there was typically a style that fitted more than others.<\\/p><p>The names of the categories in childhood and adulthood are\\u00a0essentially the same, or very similar. Let me show you how.<\\/p><p>If a child was securely attached, then as an adult they were likely to be securely attached. They became resilient adults.<\\/p><p>If a child was insecurely attached then they were as an adult, too. There were three similar styles that corresponded to these.<\\/p><p>1. An ambivalently attached child became a preoccupied adult\\u00a0\\u2013\\u00a0think of the clingy\\/angry style.<\\/p><p>2. An avoidantly attached child created a fortress and continued to do so as an adult with a dismissing attachment style.<\\/p><p>Essentially, what this reveals is that our minds were relationally wired by twelve to eighteen months of age, and this becomes our relational template in adulthood. This template carries our expectations and beliefs about relationships, how we believe we should or shouldn\\u2019t treat or be treated by our partner, and our capacity to tolerate distress, or not.<\\/p><p>We have no idea that our attachment style plays out in our adult behaviour and relationships. We just think \\u2018this is me,\\u2019 and that dictates what we believe and how we behave. We don\\u2019t question why we behave in a sulky or childlike manner, nor do we see a problem with our blaming, critical or aloof behaviour. It\\u2019s just who we are, right? Well, no\\u00a0\\u2013\\u00a0it\\u2019s how we\\u2019ve always behaved according to our\\u00a0relational wiring, but it\\u2019s not who we are.<\\/p><p>We all know someone who makes the same \\u2018mistakes\\u2019 in relationships, leaving friends scratching their heads, wondering when they\\u2019ll learn their lesson. We can even be that person! The reason we repeat relationship \\u2018mistakes\\u2019 is due to our relational template.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Let\\u2019s look at the adult attachment styles in more detail.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ba56aa0\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"956b3d5\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2b89540\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"1. Secure adult attachment: resilient style\",\"header_size\":\"h3\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"},{\"id\":\"3ed98c6\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Adults with a secure attachment style -<\\/p>\",\"_margin\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"10\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"-10\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"},{\"id\":\"a7f2b96\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"Are independent and self-reliant\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"21e4fbf\"},{\"text\":\"Are confident\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"af5431b\"},{\"text\":\"Have trusting, close and enduring relationships in life\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"70e972f\"},{\"text\":\"Can speak about their own emotions\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"527013f\"},{\"text\":\"Are aware of other people\\u2019s needs and emotions\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"4699b30\"},{\"text\":\"Can rely on others when needed\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"7c78b07\"},{\"text\":\"Developed distress tolerance\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"67eaa52\"}],\"icon_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"a15027d\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"59778b3\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"011743f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"2. Insecure adult attachment. Preoccupied adult attachment: clingy\\/angry style\",\"header_size\":\"h3\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"},{\"id\":\"46dba7d\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Adults with a clingy\\/angry attachment style -<\\/p>\",\"_margin\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"10\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"-10\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"},{\"id\":\"fa65380\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"Are needy, requiring ongoing reassurance from their partner, fearing rejection or abandonment worry\\/are anxious that their partner doesn\\u2019t love them.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"21e4fbf\"},{\"text\":\"Have trouble trusting others\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"af5431b\"},{\"text\":\"Lack impulse control, can be angry, unpredictable or moody\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"70e972f\"},{\"text\":\"Connect through conflict\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"527013f\"},{\"text\":\"Blame others, not acknowledging their own responsibility\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"4699b30\"},{\"text\":\"Are overly sensitive to their partner\\u2019s emotional and physical whereabouts\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"7c78b07\"}],\"icon_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"},{\"id\":\"8874768\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>These adults become preoccupied with the relationship; they can\\u2019t find a comfortable way of being in it. Their parent was sometimes there for them and sometimes not, and this left a mark on them that affects how they behave as adults.<\\/p>\",\"_margin\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"10\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"-10\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"9ae9c75\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1ac074b\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"13a2f32\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"3. Dismissing adult attachment: fortress style\",\"header_size\":\"h3\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"},{\"id\":\"d0d639b\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Partners with this attachment style are often dragged into couples therapy by their partner. They don\'t like talking about their feelings, as they\'re just not used to doing so. Characteristics of the adult fortress attachment style include -<\\/p>\",\"_margin\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"10\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"-10\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"},{\"id\":\"b31750e\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"Communicates in an intellectual and controlled manner\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"21e4fbf\"},{\"text\":\"Is distant emotionally and rejects others\\u2019 emotions\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"af5431b\"},{\"text\":\"Invests little emotion in social or romantic relationships\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"70e972f\"},{\"text\":\"Shows a narrow or limited emotional range\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"527013f\"},{\"text\":\"Is unable or unwilling to share thoughts and feelings with others\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"4699b30\"},{\"text\":\"Is unable to depend on others or unable to allow their partner to depend on them\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"7c78b07\"},{\"text\":\"Prefers independence and autonomy over depending on others\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"dcda2ca\"},{\"text\":\"Shows a calm exterior, typically hiding their anxiety\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"cea43f4\"},{\"text\":\"Uses distraction from feelings, such as work or exercise\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"09a9ab1\"}],\"icon_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"39b31c8\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6902e2e\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"89eaf5b\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"4. Unresolved\\/disorganised adult attachment: no strategy style\",\"header_size\":\"h3\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"},{\"id\":\"5adf1c2\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Typical behaviours of the unresolved\\/disorganised adult attachment style include -<\\/p>\",\"_margin\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"10\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"-10\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"},{\"id\":\"ff089e4\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"Has traumatic memories, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or dissociation\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"21e4fbf\"},{\"text\":\"Struggles with mood and anxiety \\u2013 depression, overwhelm, a sense of disconnection, a fear of abandonment, helplessness, rage, feeling trapped or irritable\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"af5431b\"},{\"text\":\"Relies on substances (drugs and\\/or alcohol)\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"70e972f\"},{\"text\":\"Is unable to understand their own feelings or recognise the mental states of others (including their partner)\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"527013f\"},{\"text\":\"Lacks trust, empathy and remorse for others\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"4699b30\"},{\"text\":\"Shows chaotic or unpredictable emotional states\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"7c78b07\"},{\"text\":\"Is unable to tolerate intimacy in a relationship\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"67eaa52\"},{\"text\":\"May be narcissistic or appear to be narcissistic\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"9c1368a\"}],\"icon_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"49ddd43\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3a0fdd5\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"82f5e3e\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"The good news\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"},{\"id\":\"ccfece1\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>The good news for all of us is that these attachment styles aren\\u2019t\\u00a0fixed for life. The concept of earned secure attachment applies to people who have made sense of and created meaning from past experiences with their parents that led to insecure attachment.<\\/p><p>With earned secure attachment, we accept these past experiences and escape the hold they have over our lives. This enables us to relate to our partner in a healthier way and remove the soul-destroying episodes of conflict from our relationship. It is an important component for decreasing couple conflict.<\\/p><p><a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.booktopia.com.au\\/relationship-reset-lissy-abrahams\\/book\\/9781760989781.html\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener noreferrer\\\"><em>Relationship Reset<\\/em><\\/a>\\u00a0is published by\\u00a0<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.panmacmillan.com.au\\/9781760989781\\/relationship-reset\\/\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener noreferrer\\\">Pan Macmillan Australia<\\/a>\\u00a0and is available now from Booktopia, Book Depository, Amazon and all the other online bookstores.\\u00a0<\\/p><p><em>For more from Lissy Abrahams, you can follow her on\\u00a0<\\/em><a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.instagram.com\\/lissy.abrahams\\/\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener noreferrer\\\"><em>Instagram<\\/em><\\/a><em>.<\\/em><\\/p><p><em>Feature image: 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:\"91\",\"right\":0,\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":0,\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b31baff\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"f7c748c\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"subheading_text\":\"Article - source: Mamamia\",\"heading_text\":\"What to know about your \'relational template\' and how it affects the way you treat your partner.\",\"description_text\":\"14 August 2022\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"cms_heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"dab5d10\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1fb5858\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3c137ff\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>How we respond and react to our partner in our committed\\u00a0adult relationships\\u00a0is predominantly related to our\\u00a0childhood experiences\\u00a0with our parents or\\u00a0primary caregivers.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>These early influences on our lives create an imprint of relationships, which we may or may not be aware of.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>This imprint is like a relational template, which shapes our ideas and\\u00a0expectations of relationships\\u00a0and of how we and our\\u00a0partner should communicate\\u00a0and behave in our relationship.<\\/p><p>Our mind and body are wired to relate to our partner according to this relational template.<\\/p><h3><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><strong>Relational templates in couple relationships<\\/strong><\\/span><\\/h3><p>\\u00a0<\\/p><p>In any relationship, we\\u2019ll share some beliefs with our partner about how relationships should work, but we never have the same relational templates. That\\u2019s because we have lived in different homes, had different families and had completely different experiences.<\\/p><p>It\\u2019s important for us to remember this, as we often create a fantasy that we should have similar views, expectations and behaviours in relationships. Even though it would be convenient if this were the case, this simply can\\u2019t occur, as we\\u2019re two very different beings and our life experiences have left us with different\\u00a0relational imprints.<\\/p><p>Below are just a few examples of life experiences that would differ from our partner\\u2019s experiences, creating differing parental responses and contributing to our different relational templates:<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"},{\"id\":\"cdfadfc\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"Parents\\u2019 expectations or rules\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"21e4fbf\"},{\"text\":\"Parents\\u2019 capacity to emotionally see us as a child\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"af5431b\"},{\"text\":\"Sense of parental protectiveness and safety\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"70e972f\"},{\"text\":\"Parents\\u2019 own relationship: conflict, capacity for repair, their ability to apologise, gestures of love\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"527013f\"},{\"text\":\"Parents\\u2019 separation or divorce\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"4699b30\"},{\"text\":\"Parental experiences with extended families\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"7c78b07\"},{\"text\":\"Family trauma such as early parental death or illness, poverty, a sudden loss of money, or being a migrant\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"67eaa52\"},{\"text\":\"Own separation or divorce\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"d42aecc\"},{\"text\":\"Relationships with siblings and birth order\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"129a0ca\"}],\"icon_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"},{\"id\":\"f8385bb\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>We can see how these experiences shape our mind, our relational wiring, how we absorb and process information and experiences, and how we feel about them.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>These life experiences shape our ability to tolerate different viewpoints, and influence whether we listen well to our partner or find it difficult. They also influence what we react to and how, and what sets us off into fight-or-flight mode.<\\/p><p>We all grow up in environments that are uniquely ours. Therefore, in our relationship we\\u2019ll always encounter differences that\\u00a0we\\u2019ll need to work through together. We all have different triggers and behave differently in fight-or-flight mode.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>We all have different thoughts about conflict: who was right or wrong? Who was to blame? Who started it? And we all have a different understanding of why we fight with our partner. All these beliefs and behaviours define our default expectations, rules for safety and non-negotiables in our relationship.<\\/p><p>Our relational template will determine how we react to our partner when our expectations of each other and our relationship differ. Sometimes we can talk through differences; other times we can\\u2019t. Sometimes we can feel frightened by our partner\\u2019s actions, words or behaviour.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Our relational templates are different, and the\\u00a0gap between them can be perceived as a threat.<\\/p><p>Understanding our relational templates is critical if we want or need to reduce conflict and form a healthier relationship with our partner.<\\/p><h3><strong><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\">Why it\'s important to understand your relational template<\\/span><\\/strong><\\/h3>\",\"_margin\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"15\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"39e47e0\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9601371\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"e0b2aa9\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>We all need to examine how our childhood experiences persist inside of us today, and how this impacts our relationship. Only when we make these connections, can we change the dynamic of our couple conflict. We, as individuals, can make our relationship\\u00a0better.<\\/p><p>In the first one or two sessions with a new client or couple, I always seek some access to their relational template and wiring. I simply ask them about their relationship with their parents and what their parents\\u2019 relationship was like growing up.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>By understanding how we\\u2019re relationally wired, we can learn how to avoid getting into the emotional boxing ring, and if we do\\u00a0happen to\\u00a0find ourselves there, we can exit faster with fewer body blows. When we understand this, we can then understand why we\\u00a0really fight with our partner. This is a game changer.<\\/p><p>To do this, we\\u2019ll look at our experiences with parents or caregivers where we felt secure and protected, as well as experiences where we felt less safe or less protected. This will offer clues about our relational wiring and help us understand why and how we fight with our partner. This exercise isn\\u2019t about blaming or shaming anyone.<\\/p><p>It\\u2019s not about accusing our parents or judging them for how we were\\u00a0raised. This is about objectively considering what happened in the past to understand how our relational wiring impacts our adult\\u00a0relationship today.<\\/p><p>I\\u2019d love for everyone to see how normal it is to have couple conflict. The truth is that couple relationships are often messy and complicated.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>During the dizzy joy of the honeymoon period, we often have no idea that we can end up locked in confusing and exhausting cycles of conflict. We have no idea that at the heart of these episodes is fear and a lack of safety.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>But this is not new\\u00a0\\u2013\\u00a0this is from our childhood and was encoded way back then.<\\/p><h3><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><strong>Safety and trust develop in childhood<\\/strong><\\/span><\\/h3>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"1a672aa\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1b2d83f\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"728e302\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>We\\u2019re not born feeling safe. In fact, it\\u2019s the opposite. Just think of a newborn baby with no ability to dress itself, feed itself or even soothe itself. From the moment they\\u2019re born, they\\u2019re completely dependent on their parents for their survival. This enormous dependency means danger and threat is never far away. When we hear a hungry baby crying, it pulls at our heartstrings because their distress is so evident. They can\\u2019t go to the fridge and grab a snack.<\\/p><p>They\\u2019re literally screaming for their lives, and their nervous system is registering danger and threat.<\\/p><p>As a baby, our sense of safety develops when we\\u2019re with parents who protect, feed, soothe and nurture us. We learn to feel safe knowing our parents are with us, attending to things we simply can\\u2019t do yet.<\\/p><p>As children, it is written deeply into our mammalian core that it\\u2019s our parents\\u2019 job to keep us safe. That\\u2019s why children instinctively seek their parents when they\\u2019re hurt or afraid.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>When our parents protect us, meet our basic needs, comfort us and are available to us, we learn we can really trust them. These experiences calm our nervous system, and we feel safe.<\\/p><p>When parents take care of our physical and emotional safety, we can have some scrapes, be soothed by them, recover and re-establish our feelings of being protected.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>We will still experience fear and danger, but we know our parent will comfort us. When these experiences are repeated during our childhood, we learn to tolerate upsetting and distressing experiences. This is how we become more resilient, and all of\\u00a0these moments of comfort and soothing\\u00a0are encoded in our relational wiring.<\\/p><p>It\\u2019s important to note that no parent can offer perfect protection and safety; we have all had some experiences where our parents\\u00a0were not physically or emotionally able to help us feel secure.<\\/p><p>Parents are also human, and they can be out of line at times,\\u00a0or maybe even a little frightening. There will always be ruptures or difficulties in parent\\u2013child relationships, but what\\u2019s critical is how\\u00a0they\\u2019re repaired.<\\/p><p>When our parent repeatedly sees that we\\u2019re slightly frightened or are feeling an absence of protection from them and they\\u2019re apologetic, this becomes an established pattern that\\u00a0we learn to rely on.<\\/p><p>As they repeatedly re-establish trust with us, we\\u2019re more likely to develop distress tolerance, which we carry through to our adult relationships. This is how our relational wiring around safety and\\u00a0trust develops\\u00a0\\u2013\\u00a0through our parent\\u2013child relationships.<\\/p><h3><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><strong>The theory of relational wiring<\\/strong><\\/span><\\/h3>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"3488013\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"08935af\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9b4231e\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>The importance of security and safety in childhood has been extensively studied across the world through a body of research and clinical work called attachment theory, and it forms the basis of our relational wiring.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>This work, started by John Bowlby, examines the types of\\u00a0emotional bonds children form with their parents or primary caregivers. He described attachment as a special emotional\\u00a0relationship that involves an exchange of comfort, care and pleasure.<\\/p><p>It\\u2019s easy to understand how a baby would see their parent or primary caregiver as an attachment figure. As babies, we normally don\\u2019t have many primary attachment figures\\u00a0\\u2013\\u00a0sometimes just one\\u00a0\\u2013\\u00a0with whom we share that exchange.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>We\\u2019ve already talked about how vulnerable and dependent a baby truly is, so having an attachment figure who is focused on them increases their chance of survival.<\\/p><p>Researchers were interested in the distress behaviours babies revealed when they were left alone by their parent (attachment figure) and were suddenly feeling vulnerable and unsafe. Any parent whose baby cries when they go to the toilet will know exactly how this feels.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>What\\u2019s important to take away from this is that loss or the threat of loss is central to psychological distress.<\\/p><h3><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><strong>Research: The Adult Attachment Interview<\\/strong><\\/span><\\/h3>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"0167f40\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"47c38bb\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"ae55576\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>The Adult Attachment Interview was a protocol developed in 1985 using a semi-structured interview with participants to determine their mental representations of their childhood attachment experiences. The aim is to get a sense of their relational template.<\\/p><p>It\\u2019s a complex interview, and requires training to conduct. In a nutshell, it focuses on two key areas:<\\/p><p>1. Eliciting the subject\\u2019s memories and their relationship with their parent(s) in childhood, including how they coped.<\\/p><p>2. The extent to which they evaluated or integrated those experiences as an adult today, and their current relationships with their parent(s).<\\/p><p>The subjects were also assessed for the coherence of their narrative. This was done by assessing how truthful and consistent they were, whether there was too little or too much information provided, how relevant the material was, and finally whether they were clear in the interview.<\\/p><p>This research was groundbreaking. It found that our adult attachment styles map onto our infant attachment styles. They weren\\u2019t always an exact fit, but there was typically a style that fitted more than others.<\\/p><p>The names of the categories in childhood and adulthood are\\u00a0essentially the same, or very similar. Let me show you how.<\\/p><p>If a child was securely attached, then as an adult they were likely to be securely attached. They became resilient adults.<\\/p><p>If a child was insecurely attached then they were as an adult, too. There were three similar styles that corresponded to these.<\\/p><p>1. An ambivalently attached child became a preoccupied adult\\u00a0\\u2013\\u00a0think of the clingy\\/angry style.<\\/p><p>2. An avoidantly attached child created a fortress and continued to do so as an adult with a dismissing attachment style.<\\/p><p>Essentially, what this reveals is that our minds were relationally wired by twelve to eighteen months of age, and this becomes our relational template in adulthood. This template carries our expectations and beliefs about relationships, how we believe we should or shouldn\\u2019t treat or be treated by our partner, and our capacity to tolerate distress, or not.<\\/p><p>We have no idea that our attachment style plays out in our adult behaviour and relationships. We just think \\u2018this is me,\\u2019 and that dictates what we believe and how we behave. We don\\u2019t question why we behave in a sulky or childlike manner, nor do we see a problem with our blaming, critical or aloof behaviour. It\\u2019s just who we are, right? Well, no\\u00a0\\u2013\\u00a0it\\u2019s how we\\u2019ve always behaved according to our\\u00a0relational wiring, but it\\u2019s not who we are.<\\/p><p>We all know someone who makes the same \\u2018mistakes\\u2019 in relationships, leaving friends scratching their heads, wondering when they\\u2019ll learn their lesson. We can even be that person! The reason we repeat relationship \\u2018mistakes\\u2019 is due to our relational template.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Let\\u2019s look at the adult attachment styles in more detail.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"ba56aa0\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"956b3d5\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2b89540\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"1. Secure adult attachment: resilient style\",\"header_size\":\"h3\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"},{\"id\":\"3ed98c6\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Adults with a secure attachment style -<\\/p>\",\"_margin\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"10\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"-10\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"},{\"id\":\"a7f2b96\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"Are independent and self-reliant\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"21e4fbf\"},{\"text\":\"Are confident\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"af5431b\"},{\"text\":\"Have trusting, close and enduring relationships in life\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"70e972f\"},{\"text\":\"Can speak about their own emotions\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"527013f\"},{\"text\":\"Are aware of other people\\u2019s needs and emotions\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"4699b30\"},{\"text\":\"Can rely on others when needed\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"7c78b07\"},{\"text\":\"Developed distress tolerance\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"67eaa52\"}],\"icon_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"a15027d\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"59778b3\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"011743f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"2. Insecure adult attachment. Preoccupied adult attachment: clingy\\/angry style\",\"header_size\":\"h3\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"},{\"id\":\"46dba7d\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Adults with a clingy\\/angry attachment style -<\\/p>\",\"_margin\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"10\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"-10\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"},{\"id\":\"fa65380\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"Are needy, requiring ongoing reassurance from their partner, fearing rejection or abandonment worry\\/are anxious that their partner doesn\\u2019t love them.\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"21e4fbf\"},{\"text\":\"Have trouble trusting others\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"af5431b\"},{\"text\":\"Lack impulse control, can be angry, unpredictable or moody\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"70e972f\"},{\"text\":\"Connect through conflict\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"527013f\"},{\"text\":\"Blame others, not acknowledging their own responsibility\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"4699b30\"},{\"text\":\"Are overly sensitive to their partner\\u2019s emotional and physical whereabouts\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"7c78b07\"}],\"icon_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"},{\"id\":\"8874768\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>These adults become preoccupied with the relationship; they can\\u2019t find a comfortable way of being in it. Their parent was sometimes there for them and sometimes not, and this left a mark on them that affects how they behave as adults.<\\/p>\",\"_margin\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"10\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"-10\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"9ae9c75\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1ac074b\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"13a2f32\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"3. Dismissing adult attachment: fortress style\",\"header_size\":\"h3\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"},{\"id\":\"d0d639b\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Partners with this attachment style are often dragged into couples therapy by their partner. They don\'t like talking about their feelings, as they\'re just not used to doing so. Characteristics of the adult fortress attachment style include -<\\/p>\",\"_margin\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"10\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"-10\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"},{\"id\":\"b31750e\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"Communicates in an intellectual and controlled manner\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"21e4fbf\"},{\"text\":\"Is distant emotionally and rejects others\\u2019 emotions\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"af5431b\"},{\"text\":\"Invests little emotion in social or romantic relationships\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"70e972f\"},{\"text\":\"Shows a narrow or limited emotional range\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"527013f\"},{\"text\":\"Is unable or unwilling to share thoughts and feelings with others\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"4699b30\"},{\"text\":\"Is unable to depend on others or unable to allow their partner to depend on them\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"7c78b07\"},{\"text\":\"Prefers independence and autonomy over depending on others\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"dcda2ca\"},{\"text\":\"Shows a calm exterior, typically hiding their anxiety\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"cea43f4\"},{\"text\":\"Uses distraction from feelings, such as work or exercise\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"09a9ab1\"}],\"icon_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"39b31c8\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"6902e2e\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"89eaf5b\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"4. Unresolved\\/disorganised adult attachment: no strategy style\",\"header_size\":\"h3\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"},{\"id\":\"5adf1c2\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Typical behaviours of the unresolved\\/disorganised adult attachment style include -<\\/p>\",\"_margin\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"10\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"-10\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"},{\"id\":\"ff089e4\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"Has traumatic memories, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or dissociation\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"21e4fbf\"},{\"text\":\"Struggles with mood and anxiety \\u2013 depression, overwhelm, a sense of disconnection, a fear of abandonment, helplessness, rage, feeling trapped or irritable\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"af5431b\"},{\"text\":\"Relies on substances (drugs and\\/or alcohol)\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"70e972f\"},{\"text\":\"Is unable to understand their own feelings or recognise the mental states of others (including their partner)\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"527013f\"},{\"text\":\"Lacks trust, empathy and remorse for others\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"4699b30\"},{\"text\":\"Shows chaotic or unpredictable emotional states\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"7c78b07\"},{\"text\":\"Is unable to tolerate intimacy in a relationship\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"67eaa52\"},{\"text\":\"May be narcissistic or appear to be narcissistic\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"9c1368a\"}],\"icon_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"49ddd43\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3a0fdd5\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"82f5e3e\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"The good news\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"},{\"id\":\"ccfece1\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>The good news for all of us is that these attachment styles aren\\u2019t\\u00a0fixed for life. The concept of earned secure attachment applies to people who have made sense of and created meaning from past experiences with their parents that led to insecure attachment.<\\/p><p>With earned secure attachment, we accept these past experiences and escape the hold they have over our lives. This enables us to relate to our partner in a healthier way and remove the soul-destroying episodes of conflict from our relationship. It is an important component for decreasing couple conflict.<\\/p><p><a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.booktopia.com.au\\/relationship-reset-lissy-abrahams\\/book\\/9781760989781.html\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener noreferrer\\\"><em>Relationship Reset<\\/em><\\/a>\\u00a0is published by\\u00a0<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.panmacmillan.com.au\\/9781760989781\\/relationship-reset\\/\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener noreferrer\\\">Pan Macmillan Australia<\\/a>\\u00a0and is available now from Booktopia, Book Depository, Amazon and all the other online bookstores.\\u00a0<\\/p><p><em>For more from Lissy Abrahams, you can follow her on\\u00a0<\\/em><a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.instagram.com\\/lissy.abrahams\\/\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener noreferrer\\\"><em>Instagram<\\/em><\\/a><em>.<\\/em><\\/p><p><em>Feature image: Getty<\\/em><\\/p>\",\"_margin\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"10\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(20589,5389,'_thumbnail_id','5378'),(20590,5389,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(20591,5389,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(20592,5389,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:7:{s:6:\"spacer\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:2;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_spacer\";a:1:{s:5:\"space\";i:2;}}}}s:11:\"cms_heading\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:2;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:1;s:8:\"controls\";a:2:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:13:\"title_section\";a:5:{s:15:\"subheading_text\";i:2;s:12:\"heading_text\";i:2;s:16:\"description_text\";i:2;s:11:\"heading_tag\";i:1;s:10:\"text_align\";i:1;}}s:5:\"style\";a:1:{s:21:\"section_style_heading\";a:4:{s:13:\"heading_color\";i:1;s:29:\"heading_typography_typography\";i:1;s:28:\"heading_typography_font_size\";i:1;s:33:\"heading_typography_letter_spacing\";i:1;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:12;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:12;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:12;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:3:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_layout\";a:1:{s:15:\"stretch_section\";i:1;}}s:5:\"style\";a:2:{s:18:\"section_background\";a:7:{s:21:\"background_background\";i:1;s:16:\"background_image\";i:1;s:19:\"background_position\";i:1;s:17:\"background_repeat\";i:1;s:15:\"background_size\";i:1;s:15:\"background_ypos\";i:1;s:15:\"background_xpos\";i:1;}s:26:\"section_background_overlay\";a:3:{s:29:\"background_overlay_background\";i:1;s:24:\"background_overlay_color\";i:1;s:26:\"background_overlay_opacity\";i:1;}}s:8:\"advanced\";a:1:{s:16:\"section_advanced\";a:1:{s:6:\"margin\";i:1;}}}}s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:12;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:1;s:8:\"controls\";a:2:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:12;}}s:8:\"advanced\";a:1:{s:14:\"_section_style\";a:1:{s:7:\"_margin\";i:7;}}}}s:9:\"icon-list\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:5;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:1;s:8:\"controls\";a:2:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:12:\"section_icon\";a:1:{s:9:\"icon_list\";i:5;}}s:5:\"style\";a:1:{s:18:\"section_icon_style\";a:1:{s:10:\"icon_color\";i:5;}}}}s:7:\"heading\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:5;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:1;s:8:\"controls\";a:2:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:13:\"section_title\";a:2:{s:5:\"title\";i:5;s:11:\"header_size\";i:5;}}s:5:\"style\";a:1:{s:19:\"section_title_style\";a:1:{s:11:\"title_color\";i:1;}}}}}'),(20593,5389,'_elementor_css','a:6:{s:4:\"time\";i:1664360498;s:5:\"fonts\";a:0:{}s:5:\"icons\";a:0:{}s:20:\"dynamic_elements_ids\";a:0:{}s:6:\"status\";s:4:\"file\";i:0;s:0:\"\";}'),(20594,5390,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(20595,5390,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(20596,5390,'_elementor_version','3.7.7'),(20597,5390,'_wp_page_template','default');
INSERT INTO `wpjr_postmeta` VALUES (20598,5390,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"e854393\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"stretch_section\":\"section-stretched\",\"background_background\":\"classic\",\"background_image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/Stop-Couple-Conflict.png\",\"id\":5378,\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"},\"background_position\":\"initial\",\"background_repeat\":\"no-repeat\",\"background_size\":\"cover\",\"background_overlay_background\":\"classic\",\"background_overlay_color\":\"#000000\",\"background_overlay_opacity\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":0.409999999999999975575093458246556110680103302001953125,\"sizes\":[]},\"background_ypos\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":-207,\"sizes\":[]},\"background_xpos\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":7,\"sizes\":[]}},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"82bf9b1\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"d95d219\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"space\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":112,\"sizes\":[]}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"spacer\"},{\"id\":\"ade2076\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"subheading_text\":\"\",\"heading_text\":\"Mamam!a\",\"description_text\":\"\",\"heading_tag\":\"h1\",\"text_align\":\"center\",\"heading_color\":\"#FFFFFF\",\"heading_typography_typography\":\"custom\",\"heading_typography_font_size\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":60,\"sizes\":[]},\"heading_typography_font_size_mobile\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":40,\"sizes\":[]},\"heading_typography_letter_spacing\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":1.8000000000000000444089209850062616169452667236328125,\"sizes\":[]}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"cms_heading\"},{\"id\":\"a72ff32\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"space\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"size\":125,\"sizes\":[]}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"spacer\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"22aae0e\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"margin\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"91\",\"right\":0,\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":0,\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b31baff\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"f7c748c\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"subheading_text\":\"Article - source: Mamamia\",\"heading_text\":\"There are 3 ways to stop the \'conflict cycle\'\",\"description_text\":\"4 September 2022\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"cms_heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"dab5d10\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1fb5858\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3c137ff\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>When there are ongoing cycles of conflict in our\\u00a0couple relationship, we often unconsciously take our partner\\u2019s comments, behaviour, opinion, tone of voice or facial expression as a threat. In that moment, we\\u2019re triggered into fight- or-flight and our mind and body react to our partner as if they were a hungry bear chasing us.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>The threat feels very real, and we react accordingly. We fight or run for our lives. The tragedy is that couples can do this for years, or even decades.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Remember, it typically takes around six years of conflict before a couple will contact a therapist for help.\\u00a0Conflict\\u00a0is incredibly distressing for both partners. It\\u2019s easy to see the distress on the fighters: they shout, blame, degrade, regress, make their bodies bigger or voices louder in anger.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Those who flee the conflict are also extremely distressed, even if they don\\u2019t look it. Remember, they have the same cascading survival reaction that compels them to run away as the fighters have to attack. Both experience a surge in their adrenaline and cortisol levels, and their heart rate and blood pressure increase.<\\/p><p>Prolonged couple conflict causes suffering for both partners. It\\u2019s gruelling, both physically and mentally, and it takes time and energy to recover from each exhausting episode. Very few of us bounce back after a fight without any lingering impact.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>The residue of conflict impacts our\\u00a0<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.mamamia.com.au\\/signs-of-a-healthy-relationship\\/\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener noreferrer\\\">relationship<\\/a>\\u00a0and creates the perfect climate for the ego to tell elaborate stories of our partner\\u2019s inadequacy. It\\u2019s vastly different from the way we saw each other at the start of the relationship.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>I see many couples where both partners feel vulnerable and powerless within their relationship. Their dynamic has changed. They both feel victim-like and see their partner as powerful, and even persecutory. When they come to me for therapy, typically they\\u2019ve both been using their go-to ego defence mechanisms and telling themselves ego-based stories for years.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>These behaviours and narratives are entrenched in their relationship, so both partners have plenty of \\u2018evidence\\u2019 to back up their ego\\u2019s version of the \\u2018truth\\u2019. Often, they disregard any information that conflicts with their version.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Many of the partners engaged in cycles of conflict didn\\u2019t develop distress tolerance in their relationships with their parents when they were children. It\\u2019s not their fault. And it\\u2019s not your fault. It\\u2019s not your parents\\u2019 fault, either, or even their parents\\u2019 fault\\u00a0\\u2013\\u00a0they didn\\u2019t develop distress tolerance either.<\\/p><p>We know our ability or inability to tolerate distress is handed down from parent to child. You know already that securely attached people have a higher threshold for handling distress than those who are insecurely attached.<\\/p><p>It\\u2019s a different experience for the insecurely attached. Their threshold is lower, and arousal is higher, which means more distress to deal with, more ego-based stories and defence mechanisms.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Those who were faced with the biological paradox will have an even lower threshold for distress tolerance, and they live with chronic arousal, perceiving many more threats in everyday life, and certainly in their relationship.\\u00a0<\\/p><h3><strong><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\">Why judgement is problematic<\\/span><\\/strong><\\/h3><p>\\u00a0<\\/p><p>What\\u2019s important here is that we don\\u2019t judge ourselves, our partner, or anyone, for being insecurely attached and not developing distress tolerance. It\\u2019s easy to want to judge our partner for their inadequacies or blame our parents for our insecure attachment.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Using judgement may allow us a little ego boost. However, it\\u2019s not healthy for us\\u00a0\\u2013\\u00a0and it\\u2019s using the ego defence mechanism projection. It\\u2019s fine to acknowledge that it\\u2019s a shame, or that life would have been simpler if we were securely attached, but judgement is problematic. It implies that we\\u2019re not like the person we\\u2019re judging (so we\\u2019re \\u2018good\\u2019), and therefore are better than them (as they\\u2019re \\u2018bad\\u2019).\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Do you recognise this? Whenever we use the extremes of good and bad, we\\u2019re using the defence mechanism called splitting. It means we\\u2019ve separated the person into the black and white binary and removed all grey zones.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>So, what\\u2019s in the grey zone? Well, everything that\\u2019s about all of us being complex, real and multifaceted human beings. The grey zone contains an understanding of our partner\\u2019s journey, their\\u00a0<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.mamamia.com.au\\/adult-attachment-styles\\/\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener noreferrer\\\">relational templates<\\/a>\\u00a0and childhood experiences, our journey, our need or safety and what our ego and physiology do when we perceive danger.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>We\\u2019re no more \\u2018good\\u2019 than they are \\u2018bad\\u2019. We all need to understand that there are no angels or devils in this life. My clients often want to make me out as \\u2018good\\u2019, as if my life is perfect and that I never struggle with tough times. I always tell my clients that there are no halos in my consulting room\\u00a0\\u2013\\u00a0not on their heads and certainly not on mine.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Just like all of us mortals, I behave according to my\\u00a0<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.mamamia.com.au\\/avoidant-attachment-style-relationships\\/\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener noreferrer\\\">attachment style\\u00a0<\\/a>and can hit my limit of distress tolerance. I work within myself to increase my threshold of what I can tolerate.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>We\\u2019re all in the human experience together. When we judge someone, we believe they should know better and behave better. We can also judge our own behaviour harshly, whether it\\u2019s with our partner or with others. We can be so fearful of being seen as inadequate and deemed unacceptable in our community.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>Remember, abandonment is primitively wired within us as being akin to death\\u00a0\\u2013\\u00a0a lone human didn\\u2019t live for long in the wild. Today, there\\u2019s a major problem socially and via the media, as we judge all adults through the lens of a securely attached template. It\\u2019s a bit rich, isn\\u2019t it, given that only 60 per\\u00a0cent of us are actually securely attached. We don\\u2019t mind being completely inconsistent within ourselves as we delight in judging a monumental celebrity downfall.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>We love to gossip about it and judge that celebrity accordingly. We even sound holier than thou and feel rather unblemished as we speak. We see the celebrity splashed across the internet, hiding their ashamed faces on the evening news and in magazines. We love seeing how terrified, unworthy and below us they are now. We devour this stuff because it makes us feel better about our own lives.<\\/p><p>We do this to our partner in our relationship, too. We judge them harshly for what they don\\u2019t know exists inside them.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>When we hit our own threshold of distress tolerance, we often make excuses for our cruel or out-of-control behaviour. We may have called our partner \\u2018weak\\u2019 or \\u2018pathetic\\u2019 or yelled at them to \\u2018shut up!\\u2019, with expletives added for emphasis to frighten them just a little more. Or maybe we punished them with the silent treatment for days.\\u00a0<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"},{\"id\":\"1fb1298\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/09\\/Couple-Conflict.png\",\"id\":5387,\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"},\"image_size\":\"medium_large\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"},{\"id\":\"f8385bb\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>One of the best things we can do in our relationship is to stop our judgement and develop empathy for both of our individual struggles and how they interact in our relationship.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>We\\u2019re all humans, influenced by our primitive biology and relational wiring. We all can feel sadness, anxiety, irritation, shame, humiliation, guilt, pain and frustration. We\\u2019d be robots if we didn\\u2019t. The difference lies in our ability to manage these feelings.<\\/p><p>The first step we can take is to attend to our own home. It\\u2019s your turn to explore your own threshold of distress tolerance, to understand why and how you fight with your partner. You\\u2019re not responsible for the attachment style you developed, nor for what triggers you into flight-or-fight with your partner. You\\u2019re not even responsible for the ego-based stories you\\u2019ve been constructing in your mind for decades.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>However, now that you know about\\u00a0attachment styles, distress intolerance, triggers, ego-based stories and defence mechanisms, it\\u2019s your responsibility to liberate your relationship from the suffering caused by these things. And it\\u2019s not just the suffering to your relationship.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>We take ourselves everywhere, and when we take responsibility and liberate ourselves from the impact of the past, we liberate our partner, any children, friends, family and colleagues at work. Developing distress tolerance is how you stop the cycles of conflict with your partner.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>The more you do this, the more peace you\\u2019ll both feel. This creates the space to make happy memories together. I see this with my clients all the time. They do the work and the dark grey cloud that hovered over them disappears.\\u00a0<\\/p>\",\"_margin\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"15\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"39e47e0\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9601371\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"e0b2aa9\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<h3><strong><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\">How do we develop distress tolerance?<\\/span><\\/strong><\\/h3>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"1a672aa\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1b2d83f\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"728e302\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>We can\\u2019t separate mind and body as they influence each other constantly. We are one organism. This means we need both mind and body solutions for developing distress tolerance.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>I believe there are two main categories of coping strategies that are critical for developing distress tolerance. They allow you to reduce your reactivity to triggers through understanding how your triggers link to that whiff of familiarity from the past.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>This awareness will help you calm down and then you\\u2019ll recover more quickly. For couples, this decreases the damage of the conflict. These categories are connected and overlap in practice, but I\\u2019ll present them separately so you can see how they work. They are -\\u00a0<\\/p><p>1. Bio-hacks for calming ourselves down.\\u00a0<\\/p><p>2. Developing earned secure attachment.\\u00a0<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"a15027d\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"59778b3\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"011743f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Bio-hacks for calming ourselves down\",\"header_size\":\"h3\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"},{\"id\":\"46dba7d\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Bio-hacks are strategic interventions that you can apply yourself to improve your health, wellbeing or performance. You can use these to calm down whenever you want or need to. You already know that your limbic system is your brain\\u2019s emotional centre.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>When your amygdalae determine you are under threat, your body releases the stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol, which increase your heart rate and blood pressure. These changes prepare your body for fight-or-flight, and your thinking brain takes a back seat.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>Sometimes the left hemisphere goes offline, as in the case of adults with childhood trauma. To develop distress tolerance, you need to learn to get yourself out of fight-or-flight mode, to calm your whole system. Then you can get on with your life and think creatively about your next steps.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<h4><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><strong>Stop the conflict and take time out<\\/strong><\\/span><\\/h4>\\n<p>The first thing you need to do is to stop the episode of conflict. You need to take time out from the fight with your partner, even if that means physically moving away from them and into a safe space. You can\\u2019t calm yourself down if your fight-or-flight response is still being stimulated, as the hormones will keep surging through your body.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>So, we need to take the time to calm down before returning to each other. Think about how long you need. Is it fifteen minutes or is it hours? Take the time to ensure you don\\u2019t keep re-triggering each other. When you reunite, you need to have a mindset that\\u2019s open to resolving the conflict in a respectful way. You may even simply let it go and move on.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>Once you\\u2019ve taken time out, you can use some simple hacks to calm down. These help you join your mind and body together to focus on your here and now. When you\\u2019re triggered, you\\u2019ve confused what\\u2019s past and present. We all only have now: our past is over, and our future is not yet written.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>There are many ways to calm down, and I\\u2019m going to share my top three go-to tools. These tools have been scientifically tested, and even medical experts recommend their effectiveness. The more often I use these, the higher my threshold for tolerating distress becomes. Most of my clients find them life changing. They can be done anytime and anywhere. Just make sure you keep your eyes open during the breathing exercise when driving!&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>My top three bio-hacks are:&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>1. Breathing exercise to stimulate the vagus nerve.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>2. Mindfulness.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>3. Riding the 90-second wave.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>These bio-hacks return us to the present. And the only fact we really have (as opposed to the fake news created by our ego) is that our physical sensations are actually happening in the present. By focusing on being present and calming down, we can learn to tolerate distress within ourselves.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>This means we\\u2019re not needing our external world to be our crutch. We\\u2019re not distracting ourselves by reading, watching TV, tidying the office drawers or rearranging the kitchen cupboards. Distraction is being used as a defence mechanism.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>What we often try to do is use the external world to help tidy up our distressed internal world. We unconsciously believe we\\u2019ll get our mind in order if we can just achieve order in the kitchen. (And of course, it\\u2019s nice to have a compelling reason to tidy the kitchen cupboards). But distraction won\\u2019t help increase distress tolerance, and developing distress tolerance is critical for decreasing the cycles of conflict in our relationship.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<h4><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><strong>1. Breathing exercise to stimulate the vagus nerve.&nbsp;<\\/strong><\\/span><\\/h4><div><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><strong><br><\\/strong><\\/span><\\/div>\\n<p>At a biological level, breathing is the most powerful way we can regulate our fight-or-flight response. This works because of our vagus nerve and its incredibly calming capacity. The vagus nerve is the tenth cranial nerve, and it extends from our brainstem down through the neck and thorax to our abdomen.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>Think of it as a two-way street that carries a massive range of messages from our digestive system and organs to the brain, and back again. When we stimulate the vagus nerve, we send a message to our body saying it\\u2019s time to relax and de-stress. You do this simply by taking a slow, deep, deliberate breath in through your nose and down to your stomach. Then, you exhale slowly. These deep breaths activate neurons that detect blood pressure. The neurons also signal to the vagus nerve that your blood pressure is too high, so it lowers your heart rate, which helps you calm down.<\\/p>\\n<h4><strong><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\">2. Mindfulness.<\\/span><\\/strong><\\/h4><div><strong><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><br><\\/span><\\/strong><\\/div>\\n<p>You will now be aware that you compound your own stress and distress by creating ego-based stories that evoke sadness, anxiety or fear. And you know that your ego is just a part of your mind, continuously concerned with your identity from moment to moment. Mindfulness is a great tool to help us calm down when our ego\\u2019s stories take off, tell fake news or lack coherence. We\\u2019ve seen what happens to us physically and mentally when we let the stories rule the roost. Mindfulness takes our attention away from our left hemisphere, allowing us to drop the stories and redirect our mind to ourselves as an entire living and breathing organism.<\\/p>\\n<h4><strong><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\">3. Riding the 90-second wave.<\\/span><\\/strong><\\/h4><h4><strong><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\">&nbsp;<\\/span><\\/strong><\\/h4>\\n<p>For this approach, we can think of our body\\u2019s experience during fight-or-flight as a wave in the ocean with a beginning and an end.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>Following her stroke, Jill Bolte Taylor discovered that the physical sensations of fight-or-flight (such as surging adrenaline, racing heart rate, increasing blood pressure) reach a peak and then dissipate by themselves in 90 seconds. This means the physiological experience of emotions such as anger, frustration, sadness or distress takes only 90 seconds to ride through our body.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>So, why all this talk of distress intolerance if we only need to cope for 90 seconds? Bolte Taylor explains that our thoughts continue to re-stimulate our nervous system, which causes the fight-or-flight reaction to occur again and again.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>Think of it like this: we don\\u2019t normally just see one wave hit the beach. They keep rolling in, one after the other, in a continuous cycle. Similarly, our ego-based stories keep reactivating the physiological waves, keeping us in fight or flight until we stop the stories or become exhausted.<\\/p>\\n<p>This is why it\\u2019s critical you become aware of the stories you tell yourself. These stories repeatedly hurt you and your relationship. Remember, the stories don\\u2019t just stay in your mind. If you believe you are stupid or hard done by or not good enough, then you\\u2019ll treat yourself accordingly. If you believe your partner is disappointing, selfish or cruel, you\\u2019ll treat them&nbsp;as such. Where your mind goes, your behaviour often follows, and this has consequences for your relationship.<\\/p>\\n<p>These hacks are simple. The more frequently you use these strategies, the more you\\u2019ll want to keep using them to alleviate your distress, anxiety and sadness. You\\u2019ll no longer be held hostage or feel helpless in the face of your emotional state.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>The beauty of these hacks is that you can take them with you wherever you go. Over time, you\\u2019ll become more resilient and increase your threshold for tolerating distress.<\\/p>\\n<p><em>This is an extract from&nbsp;<\\/em><a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.booktopia.com.au\\/relationship-reset-lissy-abrahams\\/book\\/9781760989781.html?irclickid=Tumwb6xpQxyNUNV0vi2cWRoIUkDRHoTV5V-CQw0&amp;utm_campaign=Skimbit%20Ltd.&amp;utm_medium=affiliate&amp;utm_source=Impact&amp;bk_source=10078&amp;bk_source_id=10078&amp;irgwc=1\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener noreferrer\\\"><em>Relationship Reset<\\/em><\\/a>, published by Pan Macmillan Australia, available now from&nbsp;<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.booktopia.com.au\\/relationship-reset-lissy-abrahams\\/book\\/9781760989781.html?irclickid=Tumwb6xpQxyNUNV0vi2cWRoIUkDRHoTV5V-CQw0&amp;utm_campaign=Skimbit%20Ltd.&amp;utm_medium=affiliate&amp;utm_source=Impact&amp;bk_source=10078&amp;bk_source_id=10078&amp;irgwc=1\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener noreferrer\\\">Booktopia<\\/a>, Book Depository, Amazon and all the other online bookstores.&nbsp;<\\/p>\\n<p>For more from Lissy Abrahams, you can follow her on<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.instagram.com\\/lissy.abrahams\\/\\\" target=\\\"_blank\\\" rel=\\\"noopener noreferrer\\\">&nbsp;Instagram<\\/a>.<\\/p>\\n<p><em>Have you practiced any of these hacks before? How did you go? Share with us in the comment section below.<\\/em><\\/p>\\n<p><em>Feature image: 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