[{"id":"98c2662","elType":"section","settings":[],"elements":[{"id":"9c0a391","elType":"column","settings":{"_column_size":100,"_inline_size":null},"elements":[{"id":"626734a","elType":"widget","settings":{"editor":"<p>Nicolai and Maja have been together for 8 years. They were on a date, where they had just finished a walk together on their favourite beach and were now heading to their local juice bar. As they sat down Nicolai raised the topic of which school their daughter should go to next year. This was a hot topic for this couple as Nicolai strongly believed she should go to a private Catholic school like he did, whereas Maja believed in the public system and wanted their daughter to mix with children offering greater diversity of backgrounds, just as she had.<\/p><p>These conversations haven\u2019t been going well between them and often ended in conflict. Maja becomes rather strident in her views and reiterates her view of the matter over and over. Nicolai lowers his voice and grits his teeth, holding his jaw in a tight lock. This is experienced by Maja as aggressive. Sometimes she tells him to stop making that face, but mostly she feels she just needs to get away from him.<\/p><p>If they\u2019re at home, she quickly goes to another room or leaves the house. In the past, she\u2019s left Nicolai in restaurants, where he\u2019s sat not knowing if she\u2019s returning or not. Now they\u2019re in the juice bar and Nicolai\u2019s voice is lowering and his jaw is setting into the tight position. Within a micro-second she\u2019s up off her seat and walking briskly to their car. She\u2019s relieved she\u2019s the one with the car keys.<\/p><p>What is going on for this couple?<\/p><p><span style=\"text-decoration: underline;\"><strong>Our history shows itself in the stories we create<\/strong><\/span><\/p><p>Our past relationships with parents, siblings, and past partners play a huge role in shaping our minds and determining how we view couple relationships. This has been through direct experiences with them and how they\u2019ve treated us, and also through them teaching or guiding us with narratives about couple relationships.<\/p><p>These experiences shape how we feel a partner should behave and what is expected of them in our relationship. Our mind holds this information as relationship boundaries and rules, with plenty of statements of shoulds and shouldn\u2019ts. Some of this information is conscious and known to us, like these rules. Some of it is held unconsciously, without our awareness. We can\u2019t recall this information.<\/p><p>The way our mind has been shaped regarding relationships will also shape our ego-based stories we tell ourselves and others about relationships. We create stories about our experiences in the world from the minute we wake up until we go to sleep. We create stories about ourselves, others, and situations. We especially love to create stories about our partner and our relationship.<\/p><p>The type of story our ego creates is often based on our earlier experiences. The problem is that we often treat the stories as facts. Our ego can be loving, kind and compassionate. It can also be a dictator or a tyrant. We may behave as if we have the moral high ground over our partner, that we know more about relationships than they do, or judge them for not\u00a0communicating\u00a0or relating to us in a way that we appreciate.<\/p><p>Our\u00a0ego\u00a0can be fearful and quite fragile, and it\u2019s always on the lookout for safety or internal or external changes where we may feel less safe. This becomes problematic in couple relationships as partners are the ones most likely to provoke each other\u2019s fragile ego. Partners then create stories about themselves, each other and the relationship based on how their minds have been shaped.<\/p><p>\u00a0What does Nicolai\u2019s mind construct when he\u2019s sitting alone after being walked out on by Maja? How does his history shape the story he tells himself? These are just a few possibilities...<\/p>"},"elements":[],"widgetType":"text-editor"},{"id":"d389c37","elType":"widget","settings":{"icon_list":[{"text":"If Nicolai\u2019s parents had a peaceful relationship, he may create a story of how Maja\u2019s childhood was difficult, and they\u2019ll work it out when he gets home.","selected_icon":{"value":"fas fa-circle","library":"fa-solid"},"_id":"709b4b7"},{"text":"If Nicolai\u2019s parents had a lot of conflict, he may create anxious stories, even dread, and hopelessness about his relationship with Maja.","selected_icon":{"value":"fas fa-circle","library":"fa-solid"},"_id":"94b1706"},{"text":"If Nicolai\u2019s parents separated, he may construct stories about Maja being \u201cjust like\u201d Mum or Dad in some unattractive way, and how he might want to leave her. Or he could construct stories about Maja wanting to leave him.","selected_icon":{"value":"fas fa-circle","library":"fa-solid"},"_id":"ddc2467"},{"text":"If Nicolai felt alone or lonely in his family growing up, he may create stories of sadness and loneliness with Maja and how she doesn\u2019t really understand him.","selected_icon":{"value":"fas fa-circle","library":"fa-solid"},"_id":"b87b391"}]},"elements":[],"widgetType":"icon-list"},{"id":"3b1fd98","elType":"widget","settings":{"space":{"unit":"px","size":30,"sizes":[]}},"elements":[],"widgetType":"spacer"},{"id":"ed632e8","elType":"widget","settings":{"editor":"<p>Can you see how the historical lens shapes the different stories Nicolai tells himself? Of course, there could be many other stories told.<\/p><p>So, let\u2019s look at possibilities for Maja\u2019s historical lens for the stories she creates as she flees the juice bar. What stories does Maja\u2019s mind construct as she drives home alone?<\/p>"},"elements":[],"widgetType":"text-editor"},{"id":"c304f08","elType":"widget","settings":{"icon_list":[{"text":"If Maja grew up with a parent who had angry outbursts, she may anxiously tell herself that Nicolai\u2019s lowered voice and clenched jaw is so aggressive, and she can\u2019t tolerate it anymore.","selected_icon":{"value":"fas fa-circle","library":"fa-solid"},"_id":"709b4b7"},{"text":"If Maja had a parent who was emotionally dysregulated and frightening, she may create stories of Nicolai\u2019s lowered voice and clenched jaw being frightening.","selected_icon":{"value":"fas fa-circle","library":"fa-solid"},"_id":"94b1706"},{"text":"If Maja\u2019s parents separated, she may tell herself that he\u2019s not good enough for her, and\/or even that she needs to end the relationship.","selected_icon":{"value":"fas fa-circle","library":"fa-solid"},"_id":"ddc2467"},{"text":"If Maja\u2019s parents didn\u2019t listen to each other, she may tell herself that Nicolai is disrespectful and selfish.","selected_icon":{"value":"fas fa-circle","library":"fa-solid"},"_id":"b87b391"}]},"elements":[],"widgetType":"icon-list"},{"id":"c2b7d2e","elType":"widget","settings":{"space":{"unit":"px","size":30,"sizes":[]}},"elements":[],"widgetType":"spacer"},{"id":"a8e87c9","elType":"widget","settings":{"editor":"<p><span style=\"color: inherit; font-family: inherit; font-weight: inherit; letter-spacing: 0px;\">We all need to understand our own historical lens and how it influences the stories our ego constructs. If we don\u2019t, we treat the stories as a fact, and that can spell danger for our relationships.<\/span><\/p><p><em>Image Source: Shutterstock (743858932)<\/em><\/p>"},"elements":[],"widgetType":"text-editor"}],"isInner":false}],"isInner":false}]