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- source: yahoo!lifestyle\",\"heading_text\":\"How To Survive The Festive Season With Your Relationship Intact\",\"description_text\":\"14 December 2021\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"cms_heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"dab5d10\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1fb5858\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3c137ff\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>It\\u2019s no secret that Christmas can stretch credit cards, waistlines and relationships. 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We\\u2019ve collected expert tips to help you out.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"530415b\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2293c5b\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"0dd095c\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Understand the source of your stress\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"8\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"66c410b\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"aabb8dc\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"cdb8620\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>HCF partner PSYCH2U Psychologist Jeremy Cowden explains \\u201cChristmas is always a tough time for people and a lot of it is caused by a build-up of expectation, which this year will be greater because we\\u2019ve had a long time to think about it.\\u201d<\\/p><p>The study asked what is causing Aussies the most stress, with responses showing...<\\/p><p style=\\\"padding-left: 40px;\\\">23 percent fear that the combination of overeating and under-exercising will lead to weight gain<br \\/>22 percent feel pressure to be more social with family and friends than they want to be<br \\/>21 percent are worried about travel restrictions and whether they will be able to have the Christmas they want<br \\/>19 percent of Aussies are feeling pressure to spend more than they can afford on Christmas (foods and gifts)<br \\/>19 percent also reported feeling lonelier and sadder at this time of year.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"a3d42ea\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"96d007c\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3855afa\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Simple ways to look after your relationship\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"8\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"c87b820\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"margin\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"0\",\"right\":0,\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":0,\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a7daeee\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"35ba72b\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>According to Psychotherapist Lissy Abrahams, the key to smoother relationships at Christmas is to understand your own triggers for conflict and your defence mechanisms.<\\/p><p>\\u201cThere\\u2019s an expectation to make Christmas a happy time, especially when the host works hard to create this, but family dynamics are not always enjoyable. No-one wins when we argue, upset people, or lose our temper,\\u201d Lissy explains.<\\/p><p>\\u201cTry to avoid controversial topics, the hot-heads or know-it-alls at your festive gatherings. At Christmas, it\\u2019s often easier to get on if we keep conversations lighter and in a safe zone.\\u201d<\\/p><p>To support the health of your relationship during the holiday season, Lissy also suggests the following strategies...<\\/p><p style=\\\"padding-left: 40px;\\\">- Pick your battles \\u2013 be careful you\\u2019re not criticising your partner(s) just for the sake of it<br \\/>- Have new experiences together that neither of you have done before lockdown<br \\/>- Lower your expectations of each other\\u2019s stereotypes of gender roles. Think about who your partner(s) needs to be for themselves and their own fulfilment in life, not just for you<br \\/>- Set time away from each other. During lockdown partners were cooped up together. Allow some breathing space so you can look forward to seeing each other<br \\/>- Express gratitude for what your partner(s) does do for you<br \\/>- Laugh a lot and let them know you like them.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"1ea7763\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"368dabc\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"fca723a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Seek professional support\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"8\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"adfe6f3\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"margin\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"0\",\"right\":0,\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":0,\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"799b9a8\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"135d618\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>If you notice that you\\u2019re struggling with your mental health, withdrawing or isolating yourself from your partner(s), or you\\u2019re unable to resolve arguments, professional support can help you to safely work through these challenges.<\\/p><p>Mental health support for yourself or a loved one can also be found by calling\\u00a0<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lifeline.org.au\\/find-help\\/online-services\\/crisis-chat?gclid=CM7l3sGRla0CFQSFhwodmzMikw\\\"><strong>Lifeline<\\/strong><\\/a>\\u00a0on 13 11 14,\\u00a0<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/mensline.org.au\\/\\\"><strong>Mensline<\\/strong><\\/a>\\u00a0on 1300 789 978, or\\u00a0<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.kidshelp.com.au\\/\\\"><strong>Kids Helpline<\\/strong><\\/a>\\u00a0on 1800 551 800. Online support is available via\\u00a0<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.beyondblue.org.au\\/get-support\\/get-immediate-support\\\"><strong>Beyond Blue<\\/strong><\\/a>.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(17998,5172,'case_study_content_padding','a:3:{s:5:\"units\";s:2:\"px\";s:11:\"padding-top\";s:1:\"0\";s:14:\"padding-bottom\";s:4:\"95px\";}'),(17999,5172,'_oembed_1b36688543d4d62a4a94550f822b61eb','<iframe title=\"Video Placeholder\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" src=\"https://www.youtube.com/embed/XHOmBV4js_E?feature=oembed\" frameborder=\"0\" allow=\"accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture\" allowfullscreen></iframe>'),(18000,5172,'_oembed_time_1b36688543d4d62a4a94550f822b61eb','1587374837'),(18001,5172,'_wp_old_slug','find-yourself-of-julia'),(18003,5172,'case_customer','David Luis'),(18004,5172,'case_signs','Unstable psychology serious'),(18005,5172,'case_result','100% Psychological 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- source: Body+Soul\",\"heading_text\":\"The number one thing to improve couple communication\",\"description_text\":\"3 September 2021\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"cms_heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"dab5d10\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1fb5858\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3c137ff\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Body+Soul investigates how to quell a fight in the early stages and deal with it in a way that will be better for you and your\\u00a0partner.<\\/p><div><p>Have you ever had your partner say, do (or not do)\\u00a0something and just loose the plot?<\\/p><p>Maybe they\\u2019ve been rubbing you the wrong way and then there was that moment the switch flicked and it was game time on the\\u00a0screaming match, with both sides likely to lose out?<\\/p><p>Well, you\\u2019re not alone, but psychotherapist and couples counsellor Lissy Abrahams,\\u00a0<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.bodyandsoul.com.au\\/sex-relationships\\/relationships\\/the-common-arguments-all-couples-have-over-christmas\\/news-story\\/3c76f08bd0623577c1381887d749c51f\\\" data-tgev=\\\"event119\\\" data-tgev-metric=\\\"ev\\\" data-tgev-order=\\\"3c76f08bd0623577c1381887d749c51f\\\" data-tgev-label=\\\"sex-relationships\\\" data-tgev-container=\\\"bodylink\\\">says it doesn\\u2019t have to be that way.<\\/a><\\/p><p>Speaking on Body+Soul\\u2019s daily podcast\\u00a0<em>Healthy-ish<\\/em>, she says that the single most important step to stop fighting is to literally stop. To take a breather.<\\/p><p>\\u201cThere\'s absolutely nothing we can say to each other that we\'re really going to take in. Our defences are up, we\'re often in fight or flight mode, and we\\u2019re trying to survive the moment,\\u201d she tells host Felicity Harley on the\\u00a0<em>Healthy-ish\\u00a0<\\/em>episode\\u00a0<em>A psychotherapist on the No 1. thing to improve couple communication.<\\/em><\\/p><p>\\u201cThe first thing we can do is just take a pause, take 10 minutes and see if that\'s enough time to calm down.\\u201d<\\/p><p>If you\\u2019re having trouble calming down, Abrahams suggests trying breath work and taking the time to move your mind away from the discussion. Essentially, relax and regroup.<\\/p><p>It may also be beneficial to reflect on the part of yourself that was triggered in the situation, the \\u2018ego\\u2019. And no \\u2013 we don\'t mean ego in the sense of self-importance \\u2013 it\'s a term often used to describe part of your personality in psychology and, in fact, everyone has one.<\\/p><p>\\u201cOne of the ways that we can really look after our relationship and not damage it is by understanding our ego and also understand it\'s linked to feeling fear or shame,\\u201d she explains.<\\/p><p>\\u201cWhere we perceive our partner as a threat\\u2026or feel like they\\u2019re shaming us in any way, we\\u2019re going to get into fight or flight mode and we\\u2019re going to have something to tell them that we\\u2019re not very happy about.\\u201d<\\/p><p>This response can be one of two things:<\\/p><\\/div>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"52c9ccf\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1f71192\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b6411ec\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<ol><li><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><strong>Superiority:<\\/strong>\\u00a0<\\/span>That we feel like they don\\u2019t know the situation like we do, and that we know how to navigate the relationship better.<\\/li><li><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><strong>Inferiority:<\\/strong><\\/span>\\u00a0This is victim mode, where one partner may start crying or show weakness to get their partner back alongside.<\\/li><\\/ol>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"926dd8b\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"7df8d29\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"fa21e62\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>\\u201cWe can do a lot of damage through the ego by not understanding it. The best thing we can do is to learn about what it is that makes us feel frightened with a partner or ashamed and then take responsibility for that and go and learn about it,\\u201d says Abrahams.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"530415b\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2293c5b\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"0dd095c\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"How to keep your ego in check\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"8\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"66c410b\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"aabb8dc\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"cdb8620\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>The first step is to understand our ego and how it operates. What is your response? It could be attacking, blaming, judgement, complaining, screaming, shouting, standing up and making your body big.<\\/p><p>If we know what it looks like when we\\u2019ve been triggered, we can notice it and say to ourselves, \\u2018that\\u2019s my ego\\u2019. It might be time for a cool down minute.<\\/p><p>\\u201cWe don\'t always know that we\'ve got a choice in those moments. We feel fully justified to be sulky or be attacking in that moment. So the best thing we can do is to identify themes around it and work out what upsets you.\\u201d<\\/p><p>That\\u2019s the second part \\u2013 knowing what it was that triggered you.<\\/p><p>Even if you didn\\u2019t start the fight, there\\u2019s always a point where you became invested in it. Which button did your partner push that made you respond?<\\/p><p>Abrahams says this might be a tone of voice, when your partner doesn\\u2019t listen to you, or perhaps even a particular behavior or body language movement that irks you.<\\/p><p>Think about why it sets your teeth on edge.<\\/p><p>Do you hate not being listened to? Perhaps you were always listened to as a child and you\\u2019ve come to expect that, or maybe you weren\\u2019t listened to and you regress back to the way you acted when you were younger to get attention. Unravel those feelings and it will help you respond better next time.<\\/p><p>If you have trouble doing this on your own, a professional therapist may be the perfect person to help you work through it.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"a3d42ea\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"96d007c\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3855afa\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Can we get over it?\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"8\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"c87b820\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"margin\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"0\",\"right\":0,\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":0,\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a7daeee\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"35ba72b\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Abrahams says we can.<\\/p><p>\\u201cIt\'s a life journey for all of us. And with different people, they\'ll be different,\\u201d she says.<\\/p><p>\\u201cThe ones who are doing it well are people who have the ability to really listen to each other and allow their partner to be different from them.\\u201d<\\/p><p>She explains that often when we meet our partner we accept their differences, but as time goes on we can see them as a threat because they\\u2019re not alongside us in the way we want them to be.<\\/p><p>\\u201cSo, one thing we can really do is to learn to listen to our partner and to allow them to have their own mind and not be threatened by them in that way.\\u201d<\\/p><p><em>You can download Lissy\\u2019s free ebook, Top Tips for Improving Couple Communication,\\u00a0<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/service\\/top-tips-for-improving-couple-communication\\/\\\" rel=\\\"nofollow\\\" data-saferedirecturl=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.google.com\\/url?q=https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/resources\\/download-top-tips-for-improving-couple-communication-e-book\\/&amp;source=gmail&amp;ust=1630113750745000&amp;usg=AFQjCNGneYNMZHuyS2WEYz4FuTIpfV2EXA\\\">here<\\/a>, or for more info, see her website\\u00a0<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/\\\" rel=\\\"nofollow\\\" 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- source: Body+Soul\",\"heading_text\":\"The number one thing to improve couple communication\",\"description_text\":\"3 September 2021\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"cms_heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"dab5d10\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1fb5858\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3c137ff\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Body+Soul investigates how to quell a fight in the early stages and deal with it in a way that will be better for you and your\\u00a0partner.<\\/p><div><p>Have you ever had your partner say, do (or not do)\\u00a0something and just loose the plot?<\\/p><p>Maybe they\\u2019ve been rubbing you the wrong way and then there was that moment the switch flicked and it was game time on the\\u00a0screaming match, with both sides likely to lose out?<\\/p><p>Well, you\\u2019re not alone, but psychotherapist and couples counsellor Lissy Abrahams,\\u00a0<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.bodyandsoul.com.au\\/sex-relationships\\/relationships\\/the-common-arguments-all-couples-have-over-christmas\\/news-story\\/3c76f08bd0623577c1381887d749c51f\\\" data-tgev=\\\"event119\\\" data-tgev-metric=\\\"ev\\\" data-tgev-order=\\\"3c76f08bd0623577c1381887d749c51f\\\" data-tgev-label=\\\"sex-relationships\\\" data-tgev-container=\\\"bodylink\\\">says it doesn\\u2019t have to be that way.<\\/a><\\/p><p>Speaking on Body+Soul\\u2019s daily podcast\\u00a0<em>Healthy-ish<\\/em>, she says that the single most important step to stop fighting is to literally stop. To take a breather.<\\/p><p>\\u201cThere\'s absolutely nothing we can say to each other that we\'re really going to take in. Our defences are up, we\'re often in fight or flight mode, and we\\u2019re trying to survive the moment,\\u201d she tells host Felicity Harley on the\\u00a0<em>Healthy-ish\\u00a0<\\/em>episode\\u00a0<em>A psychotherapist on the No 1. thing to improve couple communication.<\\/em><\\/p><p>\\u201cThe first thing we can do is just take a pause, take 10 minutes and see if that\'s enough time to calm down.\\u201d<\\/p><p>If you\\u2019re having trouble calming down, Abrahams suggests trying breath work and taking the time to move your mind away from the discussion. Essentially, relax and regroup.<\\/p><p>It may also be beneficial to reflect on the part of yourself that was triggered in the situation, the \\u2018ego\\u2019. And no \\u2013 we don\'t mean ego in the sense of self-importance \\u2013 it\'s a term often used to describe part of your personality in psychology and, in fact, everyone has one.<\\/p><p>\\u201cOne of the ways that we can really look after our relationship and not damage it is by understanding our ego and also understand it\'s linked to feeling fear or shame,\\u201d she explains.<\\/p><p>\\u201cWhere we perceive our partner as a threat\\u2026or feel like they\\u2019re shaming us in any way, we\\u2019re going to get into fight or flight mode and we\\u2019re going to have something to tell them that we\\u2019re not very happy about.\\u201d<\\/p><p>This response can be one of two things:<\\/p><\\/div>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"52c9ccf\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1f71192\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b6411ec\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<ol><li><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><strong>Superiority:<\\/strong>\\u00a0<\\/span>That we feel like they don\\u2019t know the situation like we do, and that we know how to navigate the relationship better.<\\/li><li><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><strong>Inferiority:<\\/strong><\\/span>\\u00a0This is victim mode, where one partner may start crying or show weakness to get their partner back alongside.<\\/li><\\/ol>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"926dd8b\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"7df8d29\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"fa21e62\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>\\u201cWe can do a lot of damage through the ego by not understanding it. The best thing we can do is to learn about what it is that makes us feel frightened with a partner or ashamed and then take responsibility for that and go and learn about it,\\u201d says Abrahams.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"530415b\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2293c5b\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"0dd095c\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"How to keep your ego in check\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"8\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"66c410b\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"aabb8dc\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"cdb8620\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>The first step is to understand our ego and how it operates. What is your response? It could be attacking, blaming, judgement, complaining, screaming, shouting, standing up and making your body big.<\\/p><p>If we know what it looks like when we\\u2019ve been triggered, we can notice it and say to ourselves, \\u2018that\\u2019s my ego\\u2019. It might be time for a cool down minute.<\\/p><p>\\u201cWe don\'t always know that we\'ve got a choice in those moments. We feel fully justified to be sulky or be attacking in that moment. So the best thing we can do is to identify themes around it and work out what upsets you.\\u201d<\\/p><p>That\\u2019s the second part \\u2013 knowing what it was that triggered you.<\\/p><p>Even if you didn\\u2019t start the fight, there\\u2019s always a point where you became invested in it. Which button did your partner push that made you respond?<\\/p><p>Abrahams says this might be a tone of voice, when your partner doesn\\u2019t listen to you, or perhaps even a particular behavior or body language movement that irks you.<\\/p><p>Think about why it sets your teeth on edge.<\\/p><p>Do you hate not being listened to? Perhaps you were always listened to as a child and you\\u2019ve come to expect that, or maybe you weren\\u2019t listened to and you regress back to the way you acted when you were younger to get attention. Unravel those feelings and it will help you respond better next time.<\\/p><p>If you have trouble doing this on your own, a professional therapist may be the perfect person to help you work through it.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"a3d42ea\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"96d007c\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3855afa\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Can we get over it?\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"8\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"c87b820\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"margin\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"0\",\"right\":0,\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":0,\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a7daeee\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"35ba72b\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Abrahams says we can.<\\/p><p>\\u201cIt\'s a life journey for all of us. And with different people, they\'ll be different,\\u201d she says.<\\/p><p>\\u201cThe ones who are doing it well are people who have the ability to really listen to each other and allow their partner to be different from them.\\u201d<\\/p><p>She explains that often when we meet our partner we accept their differences, but as time goes on we can see them as a threat because they\\u2019re not alongside us in the way we want them to be.<\\/p><p>\\u201cSo, one thing we can really do is to learn to listen to our partner and to allow them to have their own mind and not be threatened by them in that way.\\u201d<\\/p><p><em>You can download Lissy\\u2019s free ebook, Top Tips for Improving Couple Communication,\\u00a0<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/service\\/top-tips-for-improving-couple-communication\\/\\\" rel=\\\"nofollow\\\" 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- source: Body+Soul\",\"heading_text\":\"The number one thing to improve couple communication\",\"description_text\":\"3 September 2021\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"cms_heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"dab5d10\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1fb5858\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3c137ff\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Body+Soul investigates how to quell a fight in the early stages and deal with it in a way that will be better for you and your\\u00a0partner.<\\/p><div><p>Have you ever had your partner say, do (or not do)\\u00a0something and just loose the plot?<\\/p><p>Maybe they\\u2019ve been rubbing you the wrong way and then there was that moment the switch flicked and it was game time on the\\u00a0screaming match, with both sides likely to lose out?<\\/p><p>Well, you\\u2019re not alone, but psychotherapist and couples counsellor Lissy Abrahams,\\u00a0<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.bodyandsoul.com.au\\/sex-relationships\\/relationships\\/the-common-arguments-all-couples-have-over-christmas\\/news-story\\/3c76f08bd0623577c1381887d749c51f\\\" data-tgev=\\\"event119\\\" data-tgev-metric=\\\"ev\\\" data-tgev-order=\\\"3c76f08bd0623577c1381887d749c51f\\\" data-tgev-label=\\\"sex-relationships\\\" data-tgev-container=\\\"bodylink\\\">says it doesn\\u2019t have to be that way.<\\/a><\\/p><p>Speaking on Body+Soul\\u2019s daily podcast\\u00a0<em>Healthy-ish<\\/em>, she says that the single most important step to stop fighting is to literally stop. To take a breather.<\\/p><p>\\u201cThere\'s absolutely nothing we can say to each other that we\'re really going to take in. Our defences are up, we\'re often in fight or flight mode, and we\\u2019re trying to survive the moment,\\u201d she tells host Felicity Harley on the\\u00a0<em>Healthy-ish\\u00a0<\\/em>episode\\u00a0<em>A psychotherapist on the No 1. thing to improve couple communication.<\\/em><\\/p><p>\\u201cThe first thing we can do is just take a pause, take 10 minutes and see if that\'s enough time to calm down.\\u201d<\\/p><p>If you\\u2019re having trouble calming down, Abrahams suggests trying breath work and taking the time to move your mind away from the discussion. Essentially, relax and regroup.<\\/p><p>It may also be beneficial to reflect on the part of yourself that was triggered in the situation, the \\u2018ego\\u2019. And no \\u2013 we don\'t mean ego in the sense of self-importance \\u2013 it\'s a term often used to describe part of your personality in psychology and, in fact, everyone has one.<\\/p><p>\\u201cOne of the ways that we can really look after our relationship and not damage it is by understanding our ego and also understand it\'s linked to feeling fear or shame,\\u201d she explains.<\\/p><p>\\u201cWhere we perceive our partner as a threat\\u2026or feel like they\\u2019re shaming us in any way, we\\u2019re going to get into fight or flight mode and we\\u2019re going to have something to tell them that we\\u2019re not very happy about.\\u201d<\\/p><p>This response can be one of two things:<\\/p><\\/div>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"52c9ccf\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1f71192\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b6411ec\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<ol><li><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><strong>Superiority:<\\/strong>\\u00a0<\\/span>That we feel like they don\\u2019t know the situation like we do, and that we know how to navigate the relationship better.<\\/li><li><span style=\\\"color: #ba9664;\\\"><strong>Inferiority:<\\/strong><\\/span>\\u00a0This is victim mode, where one partner may start crying or show weakness to get their partner back alongside.<\\/li><\\/ol>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"926dd8b\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"7df8d29\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"fa21e62\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>\\u201cWe can do a lot of damage through the ego by not understanding it. The best thing we can do is to learn about what it is that makes us feel frightened with a partner or ashamed and then take responsibility for that and go and learn about it,\\u201d says Abrahams.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"530415b\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2293c5b\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"0dd095c\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"How to keep your ego in check\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"8\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"66c410b\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"aabb8dc\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"cdb8620\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>The first step is to understand our ego and how it operates. What is your response? It could be attacking, blaming, judgement, complaining, screaming, shouting, standing up and making your body big.<\\/p><p>If we know what it looks like when we\\u2019ve been triggered, we can notice it and say to ourselves, \\u2018that\\u2019s my ego\\u2019. It might be time for a cool down minute.<\\/p><p>\\u201cWe don\'t always know that we\'ve got a choice in those moments. We feel fully justified to be sulky or be attacking in that moment. So the best thing we can do is to identify themes around it and work out what upsets you.\\u201d<\\/p><p>That\\u2019s the second part \\u2013 knowing what it was that triggered you.<\\/p><p>Even if you didn\\u2019t start the fight, there\\u2019s always a point where you became invested in it. 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Unravel those feelings and it will help you respond better next time.<\\/p><p>If you have trouble doing this on your own, a professional therapist may be the perfect person to help you work through it.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"a3d42ea\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"96d007c\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3855afa\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Can we get over it?\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"8\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"c87b820\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"margin\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"0\",\"right\":0,\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":0,\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a7daeee\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"35ba72b\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Abrahams says we can.<\\/p><p>\\u201cIt\'s a life journey for all of us. And with different people, they\'ll be different,\\u201d she says.<\\/p><p>\\u201cThe ones who are doing it well are people who have the ability to really listen to each other and allow their partner to be different from them.\\u201d<\\/p><p>She explains that often when we meet our partner we accept their differences, but as time goes on we can see them as a threat because they\\u2019re not alongside us in the way we want them to be.<\\/p><p>\\u201cSo, one thing we can really do is to learn to listen to our partner and to allow them to have their own mind and not be threatened by them in that way.\\u201d<\\/p><p><em>You can download Lissy\\u2019s free ebook, Top Tips for Improving Couple Communication,\\u00a0<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/service\\/top-tips-for-improving-couple-communication\\/\\\" rel=\\\"nofollow\\\" 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- source: yahoo!lifestyle\",\"heading_text\":\"How To Survive The Festive Season With Your Relationship Intact\",\"description_text\":\"14 December 2021\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"cms_heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"dab5d10\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1fb5858\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3c137ff\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>It\\u2019s no secret that Christmas can stretch credit cards, waistlines and relationships. 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No-one wins when we argue, upset people, or lose our temper,\\u201d Lissy explains.<\\/p><p>\\u201cTry to avoid controversial topics, the hot-heads or know-it-alls at your festive gatherings. At Christmas, it\\u2019s often easier to get on if we keep conversations lighter and in a safe zone.\\u201d<\\/p><p>To support the health of your relationship during the holiday season, Lissy also suggests the following strategies...<\\/p><p style=\\\"padding-left: 40px;\\\">- Pick your battles \\u2013 be careful you\\u2019re not criticising your partner(s) just for the sake of it<br \\/>- Have new experiences together that neither of you have done before lockdown<br \\/>- Lower your expectations of each other\\u2019s stereotypes of gender roles. Think about who your partner(s) needs to be for themselves and their own fulfilment in life, not just for you<br \\/>- Set time away from each other. During lockdown partners were cooped up together. Allow some breathing space so you can look forward to seeing each other<br \\/>- Express gratitude for what your partner(s) does do for you<br \\/>- Laugh a lot and let them know you like them.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"1ea7763\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"368dabc\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"fca723a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Seek professional support\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"8\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"adfe6f3\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"margin\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"0\",\"right\":0,\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":0,\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"799b9a8\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"135d618\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>If you notice that you\\u2019re struggling with your mental health, withdrawing or isolating yourself from your partner(s), or you\\u2019re unable to resolve arguments, professional support can help you to safely work through these challenges.<\\/p><p>Mental health support for yourself or a loved one can also be found by calling\\u00a0<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lifeline.org.au\\/find-help\\/online-services\\/crisis-chat?gclid=CM7l3sGRla0CFQSFhwodmzMikw\\\"><strong>Lifeline<\\/strong><\\/a>\\u00a0on 13 11 14,\\u00a0<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/mensline.org.au\\/\\\"><strong>Mensline<\\/strong><\\/a>\\u00a0on 1300 789 978, or\\u00a0<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.kidshelp.com.au\\/\\\"><strong>Kids Helpline<\\/strong><\\/a>\\u00a0on 1800 551 800. 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For many of us we react to situations automatically. Couples therapy helps us understand why both partners have different ideas about relationships in the first place and how this causes conflict. Developing greater understanding of how you and your partner think, feel and behave is vital for couple health and wellbeing.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"fd70e7a\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2a213cd\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":15},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"d83ce61\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"http:\\/\\/116.90.63.253\\/~lissyabr\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/6.png\",\"id\":3742,\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"},\"image_size\":\"custom\",\"image_custom_dimension\":{\"width\":\"50\",\"height\":\"50\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"fc0ad41\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":85},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3afdd23\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Allows both parties to be heard\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"10\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"6738da0\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"f747eef\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":15},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"035e972\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":85},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"96c522c\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>During times of conflict, it is exceedingly difficult for partners to listen to each other. With a therapist both partners are given the opportunity to speak about and reflect on their own thoughts around conflict or a particular situation. This does not mean equal time is provided, it is equal opportunity to express themselves and be heard.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"f6b1ef4\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2cbb354\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":15},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"4af6592\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"http:\\/\\/116.90.63.253\\/~lissyabr\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/7.png\",\"id\":3743,\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"},\"image_size\":\"custom\",\"image_custom_dimension\":{\"width\":\"50\",\"height\":\"50\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"0415acc\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":85},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"a49b5fd\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Freedom and ability to share any conflicts\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"10\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"8d3dae6\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"0e98101\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":15},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"02ee110\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":85},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3b05c46\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Many partners are not able to speak about less than positive aspects of the relationship. Instead, they bottle it up and avoid communicating their feelings with their partner. Often, they fear upsetting them or causing conflict. In therapy, a third-party is navigating the partners through their difficulty, as well as managing any responses or reactions that arise. The therapist is continuously trying to understand and process the partners differing perspectives so that they are as free as possible to speak about what is going on for them.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"2bdce25\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8775d80\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":15},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3c0cbd2\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"http:\\/\\/116.90.63.253\\/~lissyabr\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/8.png\",\"id\":3744,\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"},\"image_size\":\"custom\",\"image_custom_dimension\":{\"width\":\"50\",\"height\":\"50\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"3345a71\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":85},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"dc4541a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Freedom and ability to share any conflicts\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"10\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"b5789cc\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"ceeaf8e\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":15},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"b348f19\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":85},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8ad98fe\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Being a couples therapist is a privileged position. I am very aware how I am invited into the very private lives of the couples I work with. Safety in therapy is extremely important and I achieve this in many ways: through confidentiality, respecting both partners, having a non-judgmental approach, being knowledgeable, and by genuinely caring about their wellbeing. When couples know that they have a safe space to share their emotions they are more inclined to be open and work wholeheartedly in the therapy.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"599f47a\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"4315c94\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":15},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"f6d24dd\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"http:\\/\\/116.90.63.253\\/~lissyabr\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/9.png\",\"id\":3745,\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"},\"image_size\":\"custom\",\"image_custom_dimension\":{\"width\":\"50\",\"height\":\"50\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"1e6b775\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":85},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"d68a327\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Promotes positive changes\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"10\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"1ed5739\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"99b9b5c\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":15},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"c2f9508\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":85},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"fbb0b94\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Through the therapy process, couples learn to communicate well and decrease their conflict. This is an incredibly positive experience for couples as they are no longer repeating the same upsetting cycles of conflict, they feel more connected to each other. Good experiences fill the space, like a cuddle on the sofa, greater interest in hanging out together, and partners often become happier and more playful.\\u00a0<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"df2ac29\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"829bb57\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":15},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1e15188\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"http:\\/\\/116.90.63.253\\/~lissyabr\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/10.png\",\"id\":3746,\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"},\"image_size\":\"custom\",\"image_custom_dimension\":{\"width\":\"50\",\"height\":\"50\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"d0956a9\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":85},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"e7f0aa5\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Promotes strengths\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"10\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"665ad4e\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"22fef05\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":15},\"elements\":[],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"cfe3db1\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":85},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"d369c47\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<article id=\\\"post-71\\\" class=\\\"post-71 post type-post status-publish format-standard has-post-thumbnail hentry category-blog tag-communication tag-conflict tag-conflict-resolution tag-relationships\\\"><div class=\\\"entry-content\\\"><p>Therapy is not just designed for working through the hard times, it is also a way of looking at the positive aspects of a relationship and helping couples to build on their strengths. By the time some couples come to therapy (remember it is usually after 6 years of conflict), they may not remember their strengths. In couples therapy, the therapist needs to acknowledge the couple\\u2019s strengths and any developments so that the couple can incorporate these changes into their image of the relationship.<\\/p><\\/div><\\/article>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(18115,5181,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(18116,5181,'_thumbnail_id','3741'),(18117,5181,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:5:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:11;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:11;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:41;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:41;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:21;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:17:\"section_structure\";a:1:{s:9:\"structure\";i:20;}}}}s:5:\"image\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:10;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:1;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:13:\"section_image\";a:4:{s:5:\"image\";i:10;s:10:\"image_size\";i:10;s:22:\"image_custom_dimension\";i:10;s:5:\"align\";i:1;}}}}s:7:\"heading\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:10;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:1;s:8:\"controls\";a:2:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:13:\"section_title\";a:2:{s:5:\"title\";i:10;s:11:\"header_size\";i:10;}}s:8:\"advanced\";a:1:{s:14:\"_section_style\";a:1:{s:8:\"_padding\";i:10;}}}}}'),(18118,5181,'_elementor_css','a:6:{s:4:\"time\";i:1660025010;s:5:\"fonts\";a:0:{}s:5:\"icons\";a:0:{}s:20:\"dynamic_elements_ids\";a:0:{}s:6:\"status\";s:4:\"file\";i:0;s:0:\"\";}'),(18119,3739,'_wp_old_date','2021-01-21'),(18120,5182,'_edit_last','2'),(18121,5182,'_edit_lock','1661508646:2'),(18122,5182,'_wp_page_template','default'),(18123,5182,'featured-video-url',''),(18124,5182,'featured-quote-text',''),(18125,5182,'featured-quote-cite',''),(18126,5182,'featured-audio-url',''),(18127,5182,'featured-link-url',''),(18128,5182,'featured-link-text',''),(18129,5182,'featured-link-short',''),(18130,5182,'post_content_padding','a:3:{s:5:\"units\";s:2:\"px\";s:11:\"padding-top\";s:0:\"\";s:14:\"padding-bottom\";s:0:\"\";}'),(18131,5182,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(18132,5182,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(18133,5182,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(18134,5182,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(18135,5182,'_oembed_2bb6871532de21756d5d7ddb684aaeb8','<iframe title=\"245 - 3 Secrets to Beat Performance Anxiety by Savvy Psychologist\" width=\"640\" height=\"400\" scrolling=\"no\" frameborder=\"no\" src=\"https://w.soundcloud.com/player/?visual=true&url=https%3A%2F%2Fapi.soundcloud.com%2Ftracks%2F621931155&show_artwork=true&maxheight=960&maxwidth=640\"></iframe>'),(18136,5182,'_oembed_time_2bb6871532de21756d5d7ddb684aaeb8','1658107090'),(18137,5182,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(18138,5182,'_wp_old_date','2022-07-18'),(18139,5182,'_thumbnail_id','5183'),(18140,5182,'_wp_old_date','2022-08-07'),(18141,5182,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:4:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:3;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:3;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:5;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:5;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:5;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}s:7:\"heading\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:2;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:1;s:8:\"controls\";a:2:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:13:\"section_title\";a:2:{s:5:\"title\";i:2;s:11:\"header_size\";i:2;}}s:5:\"style\";a:1:{s:19:\"section_title_style\";a:1:{s:11:\"title_color\";i:2;}}}}}'),(18142,5182,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Whilst many of us welcomed 2022 with excitement and thoughts of New Year\\u2019s resolutions or goals we wish to achieve, there are also many of us struggling with the state of our couple relationship and close to ending it.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"f02d679\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"e1b0294\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2f27b7f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"New Year\\u2019s Separation\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"d23ded9\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"880e560\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c794e4c\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>This is no surprise for family lawyers who traditionally see an increase in client numbers in January with high numbers of partners seeking legal advice for how to separate. Some lawyers see an increase of 30%. For family lawyers, January is traditionally known as \\u2018Divorce Month\\u2019, and this usually begins in the second week of January when many of us head back to work after the Christmas break.<\\/p><p>Therapists are also typically inundated at this time too. I know in my clinic we always experience a huge spike in clients contacts, and many of these are related to partners having increased depression, anxiety, or loneliness relating to issues in their couple relationship.<\\/p><p>What we don\\u2019t know is whether this New Year will be any different. Many lawyers have already experienced these spikes following the lifting of Covid restrictions and lockdowns. Therapists similarly saw major spikes last year, as Covid-related anxiety, depression, and stressors pushed many more people to seek help. I hope this January is different, as relationships have already been heavily tested during the pandemic.<\\/p><p>I\\u2019m not against couples separating. No-one walks in anyone else\\u2019s shoes and can determine just how unhappy they are in their relationship. I do, however, believe we need to try everything to fix it before leaving, especially if there are children involved. Sadly, there are many relationships that could have been saved if partners knew how to get the right help.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"3adc863\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"561e2e5\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8fd6705\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"New Year\\u2019s Resolution\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e2e47db\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"09cc562\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8dbd096\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>If you\\u2019re going to make any New Year\\u2019s resolutions, I believe you would best be served by working on your couple relationship. Unless there is violence or abuse occurring, then it may be worth trying again to resolve issues in your relationship. Just make sure you\\u2019ve done everything you can before you open the door to separation.<\\/p><p>Separation processes are nearly always anxiety provoking and exhausting, and typically it takes 2 years to feel yourself again following a separation \\u2013 and that\\u2019s if it\\u2019s a friendly enough separation. I have some clients who have to deal with continuously hostile and belligerent exes even years after the actual separation. They are dragged into multiple court processes, racking up massive legal fees, leaving them unable to properly get on with their lives.<\\/p><p>Unfortunately, financial stress can lead many couples to separate, however this doesn\\u2019t solve the financial problem as separation leaves everyone worse off. On top of this, many couples have already been financially hammered by the pandemic. Separation brings the standard of living down a notch or more for everyone. See if there are other ways to solve your financial stress, even if it\\u2019s a long-term plan such as studying part time or skills development.<\\/p><p>If you are a couple with regular cycles of conflict, then you can work through the conflict to make sense of it and understand where it\\u00a0really\\u00a0comes from. You can learn why you are triggered by your partner. You can also learn strategies to calm yourself down once you have been triggered.<\\/p><p>If you are a couple with communication difficulties, then you can work to overcome the differences between you. Communication is tricky and we can easily take our partner\\u2019s communication style personally. As a therapist, I can tell you that our partner\\u2019s communication style is all about them, it\\u2019s hardly ever personal, even though it can feel very personal indeed.<\\/p><p>If you are a couple struggling with decreased intimacy and connection, then you can improve this too.<\\/p><p>Therapy is a helpful avenue for many couples to go down. Learning about each other in couples therapy is an intimate experience and leads to greater joy and connection between partners. Take the time to get to know each other and why you react to each other the way you do.<\\/p><p>There are also\\u00a0online courses\\u00a0and even podcasts that can decrease your conflict, improve the way you both communicate and increase intimacy and joy. If money is tight, these are cheaper options than ongoing therapy and can provide you a wealth of information. 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INSERT INTO `wpjr_postmeta` VALUES (18161,5184,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:6:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:10;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:2:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:10;}}s:8:\"advanced\";a:1:{s:14:\"_section_style\";a:1:{s:8:\"_padding\";i:3;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:21;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:21;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:15;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:17:\"section_structure\";a:1:{s:9:\"structure\";i:6;}}}}s:7:\"heading\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:2;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:1;s:8:\"controls\";a:2:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:13:\"section_title\";a:2:{s:5:\"title\";i:2;s:11:\"header_size\";i:2;}}s:5:\"style\";a:1:{s:19:\"section_title_style\";a:1:{s:11:\"title_color\";i:2;}}}}s:5:\"image\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:6;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:13:\"section_image\";a:1:{s:5:\"image\";i:6;}}}}s:9:\"icon-list\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:3;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:1;s:8:\"controls\";a:2:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:12:\"section_icon\";a:1:{s:9:\"icon_list\";i:3;}}s:5:\"style\";a:1:{s:17:\"section_icon_list\";a:1:{s:7:\"divider\";i:3;}}}}}'),(18162,5184,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>The ending of our committed couple relationship typically starts the gruelling and exhausting separation experience. Even when we separate well and communicate respectfully without too much acrimony, it still takes a lot out of us as we dismantle nearly every aspect of our former lives together to create two separate units.<\\/p><p>There are many decisions we need to make concerning the day-to-day practicalities and functioning, financial aspects, as well as the complex <a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/2021\\/08\\/12\\/7-stages-of-grief-and-the-separation-process\\/\\\">emotional aspects<\\/a> resulting from having had our relationship end. Within this mix is also a great deal of uncertainty about how our lives will be in the future. For most of us in this situation, this <strong>uncertainty causes us to feel anxious<\\/strong>.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"f02d679\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"e1b0294\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2f27b7f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"What are we anxious about during our separation?\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"d23ded9\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"880e560\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c794e4c\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>As a therapist who also works with separating couples, my clients\\u2019 have multiple anxieties stemming from their separation. These anxieties often wake them in the early hours of the morning.<\\/p><p>Here are their top 3 -\\u00a0<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"cf055db\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"72caab2\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"d283d28\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/1.png\",\"id\":3747,\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"9ae52a4\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":90},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"4201549\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Anxiety about our financial future<\\/p>\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"13\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"7ef1b5c\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"e823707\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"7840dbd\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"Will I have enough money to support myself properly?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"4b67d59\"},{\"text\":\"Will there be sufficient funds to live comfortably enough, or will I have to live on a restrictive budget?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"1d5f77a\"},{\"text\":\"Will we need to sell the family home?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"0520519\"},{\"text\":\"Will I have enough to offer my children the opportunities I wanted them to have prior to separation, such as private schooling or to take them on a holiday?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"1e88854\"},{\"text\":\"Will I be able to look after the finances without my partner (if not done this in the relationship)?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"31e7b52\"}],\"divider\":\"yes\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"5faf6b8\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9cf3f43\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"d697282\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/2.png\",\"id\":3748,\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"05e1109\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":90},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"48530f3\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>We are often anxious about our children<\\/p>\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"13\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"0c89188\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"d665354\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"82292cb\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"How will this news break their hearts?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"4b67d59\"},{\"text\":\"Will they be ok if their parents are separated? Is this scarring them for life?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"1d5f77a\"},{\"text\":\"Will they need to move out of their home?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"0520519\"},{\"text\":\"Will they need to go to a new school?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"1e88854\"},{\"text\":\"What about their friends?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"31e7b52\"},{\"text\":\"Will I be a good enough parent by myself?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"04c97f0\"},{\"text\":\"Am I enough of a parent for them?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"3dc7525\"},{\"text\":\"Will they be ok at their other parent\\u2019s home without me?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"eb48fd6\"},{\"text\":\"Will their other parent remember their medicine? Night-time routine? Feed them healthy enough food? Get them off their screens? Pack their school bags properly? Use sunscreen?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"edb55a9\"}],\"divider\":\"yes\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e79d5a3\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"0bfa964\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"30cc09b\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/3.png\",\"id\":3749,\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"edb891a\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":90},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3843a1c\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>We are also anxious about life without our partner<\\/p>\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"13\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"8ab5d42\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"f2d0b68\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"cc39ed6\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"Will I feel safe without them at home?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"4b67d59\"},{\"text\":\"Who am I without them?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"1d5f77a\"},{\"text\":\"What kind of lawyer have they chosen? Will they be out to get me?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"0520519\"},{\"text\":\"What is going to happen to our friends and families? Will I lose some of them too?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"1e88854\"},{\"text\":\"How do I manage the continuous noise inside of my mind about my relationship ending?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"31e7b52\"},{\"text\":\"How am I really doing? Am I drinking too much? Have I started controlling food or binge eating? Am I working too hard? Exercising too much? Am I partying too hard or going manic? Or even having sex with people I don\\u2019t really know? Am I withdrawing and isolating too much? Are these really helping me? Am I really safe?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"04c97f0\"},{\"text\":\"What\\u2019s wrong with me? Am I not good enough?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"3dc7525\"},{\"text\":\"Will anyone find me interesting or attractive again?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"476cf66\"}],\"divider\":\"yes\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"3adc863\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"561e2e5\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8fd6705\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Will anyone find me interesting or attractive again?\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e2e47db\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"09cc562\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8dbd096\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>In her book, The Mind-Strength Method: Four steps to curb anxiety, conquer worry &amp; build resilience, Dr. Jodie Lowinger notes that we engage in certain \\u2018safety behaviours\\u2019 to eliminate uncertainty and achieve control. Despite being called \\u2018safety behaviours\\u2019, they are not offering any real safety, they offer us <strong>the illusion of safety<\\/strong> in the face of uncertainty.<\\/p><p>I\\u2019m sharing the 3 \\u2018safety behaviours\\u2019 that she describes that I often hear in my consulting room when people are separating. These are -\\u00a0<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"8c91bf1\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1bb5ba3\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"f6adf34\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/1.png\",\"id\":3747,\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"45470fa\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":90},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b1ee5f3\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p><strong>Worry<\\/strong> \\u2013 When we repeatedly focus our attention on the problems, we end up feeling more anxious. Lowinger recognises how problematic this in and states that a \\u201cnegative outcome is the inevitable part of worry \\u2013 by the very nature of worry it is not a story with a happy ending\\u2026 in its extreme form is called catastrophising.\\u201d (p.108)<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"fa0bd67\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"0680251\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"93825cd\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/2.png\",\"id\":3748,\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"f7071cc\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":90},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"19d7b6f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p><strong>Mind reading<\\/strong> \\u2013 This strategy is highly problematic, and we will never achieve certainty this way. When my clients attempt to read my mind, they are mostly so far off the mark. We need to ask people what they are thinking.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"c1e4d0f\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"717dd22\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8e2fc87\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/3.png\",\"id\":3749,\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"7627dd1\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":90},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"4cbca56\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p><strong>Over-checking and reassurance seeking<\\/strong> \\u2013 Lowinger notes that these 2 strategies do not work as neither will provide the certainty we seek as it does not exist. We may experience momentary relief, however, the anxiety will creep back in.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"cbaf279\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9556773\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"eb3ca17\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>One of the biggest gifts we can give ourselves during our separation and divorce process is to learn to accept uncertainty. We need to surrender to uncertainty, otherwise, we will keep using \\u2018safety behaviours\\u2019 that provide no actual safety. 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Even when we separate well and communicate respectfully without too much acrimony, it still takes a lot out of us as we dismantle nearly every aspect of our former lives together to create two separate units.<\\/p><p>There are many decisions we need to make concerning the day-to-day practicalities and functioning, financial aspects, as well as the complex <a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/2021\\/08\\/12\\/7-stages-of-grief-and-the-separation-process\\/\\\">emotional aspects<\\/a> resulting from having had our relationship end. Within this mix is also a great deal of uncertainty about how our lives will be in the future. For most of us in this situation, this <strong>uncertainty causes us to feel anxious<\\/strong>.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"f02d679\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"e1b0294\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2f27b7f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"What are we anxious about during our separation?\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"d23ded9\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"880e560\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c794e4c\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>As a therapist who also works with separating couples, my clients\\u2019 have multiple anxieties stemming from their separation. These anxieties often wake them in the early hours of the morning.<\\/p><p>Here are their top 3 -\\u00a0<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"cf055db\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"72caab2\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"d283d28\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/1.png\",\"id\":3747,\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"9ae52a4\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":90},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"4201549\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Anxiety about our financial future<\\/p>\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"13\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"7ef1b5c\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"e823707\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"7840dbd\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"Will I have enough money to support myself properly?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"4b67d59\"},{\"text\":\"Will there be sufficient funds to live comfortably enough, or will I have to live on a restrictive budget?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"1d5f77a\"},{\"text\":\"Will we need to sell the family home?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"0520519\"},{\"text\":\"Will I have enough to offer my children the opportunities I wanted them to have prior to separation, such as private schooling or to take them on a holiday?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"1e88854\"},{\"text\":\"Will I be able to look after the finances without my partner (if not done this in the relationship)?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"31e7b52\"}],\"divider\":\"yes\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"5faf6b8\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9cf3f43\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"d697282\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/2.png\",\"id\":3748,\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"05e1109\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":90},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"48530f3\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>We are often anxious about our children<\\/p>\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"13\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"0c89188\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"d665354\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"82292cb\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"How will this news break their hearts?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"4b67d59\"},{\"text\":\"Will they be ok if their parents are separated? Is this scarring them for life?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"1d5f77a\"},{\"text\":\"Will they need to move out of their home?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"0520519\"},{\"text\":\"Will they need to go to a new school?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"1e88854\"},{\"text\":\"What about their friends?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"31e7b52\"},{\"text\":\"Will I be a good enough parent by myself?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"04c97f0\"},{\"text\":\"Am I enough of a parent for them?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"3dc7525\"},{\"text\":\"Will they be ok at their other parent\\u2019s home without me?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"eb48fd6\"},{\"text\":\"Will their other parent remember their medicine? Night-time routine? Feed them healthy enough food? Get them off their screens? Pack their school bags properly? Use sunscreen?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"edb55a9\"}],\"divider\":\"yes\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e79d5a3\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"0bfa964\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"30cc09b\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/3.png\",\"id\":3749,\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"edb891a\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":90},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3843a1c\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>We are also anxious about life without our partner<\\/p>\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"13\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"8ab5d42\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"f2d0b68\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"cc39ed6\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"Will I feel safe without them at home?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"4b67d59\"},{\"text\":\"Who am I without them?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"1d5f77a\"},{\"text\":\"What kind of lawyer have they chosen? Will they be out to get me?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"0520519\"},{\"text\":\"What is going to happen to our friends and families? Will I lose some of them too?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"1e88854\"},{\"text\":\"How do I manage the continuous noise inside of my mind about my relationship ending?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"31e7b52\"},{\"text\":\"How am I really doing? Am I drinking too much? Have I started controlling food or binge eating? Am I working too hard? Exercising too much? Am I partying too hard or going manic? Or even having sex with people I don\\u2019t really know? Am I withdrawing and isolating too much? Are these really helping me? Am I really safe?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"04c97f0\"},{\"text\":\"What\\u2019s wrong with me? Am I not good enough?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"3dc7525\"},{\"text\":\"Will anyone find me interesting or attractive again?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"476cf66\"}],\"divider\":\"yes\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"3adc863\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"561e2e5\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8fd6705\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Will anyone find me interesting or attractive again?\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e2e47db\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"09cc562\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8dbd096\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>In her book, The Mind-Strength Method: Four steps to curb anxiety, conquer worry &amp; build resilience, Dr. Jodie Lowinger notes that we engage in certain \\u2018safety behaviours\\u2019 to eliminate uncertainty and achieve control. Despite being called \\u2018safety behaviours\\u2019, they are not offering any real safety, they offer us <strong>the illusion of safety<\\/strong> in the face of uncertainty.<\\/p><p>I\\u2019m sharing the 3 \\u2018safety behaviours\\u2019 that she describes that I often hear in my consulting room when people are separating. 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Lowinger recognises how problematic this in and states that a \\u201cnegative outcome is the inevitable part of worry \\u2013 by the very nature of worry it is not a story with a happy ending\\u2026 in its extreme form is called catastrophising.\\u201d (p.108)<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"fa0bd67\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"0680251\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"93825cd\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/2.png\",\"id\":3748,\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"f7071cc\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":90},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"19d7b6f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p><strong>Mind reading<\\/strong> \\u2013 This strategy is highly problematic, and we will never achieve certainty this way. When my clients attempt to read my mind, they are mostly so far off the mark. We need to ask people what they are thinking.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"c1e4d0f\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"717dd22\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8e2fc87\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/3.png\",\"id\":3749,\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"7627dd1\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":90},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"4cbca56\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p><strong>Over-checking and reassurance seeking<\\/strong> \\u2013 Lowinger notes that these 2 strategies do not work as neither will provide the certainty we seek as it does not exist. 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Even when we separate well and communicate respectfully without too much acrimony, it still takes a lot out of us as we dismantle nearly every aspect of our former lives together to create two separate units.<\\/p><p>There are many decisions we need to make concerning the day-to-day practicalities and functioning, financial aspects, as well as the complex <a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/2021\\/08\\/12\\/7-stages-of-grief-and-the-separation-process\\/\\\">emotional aspects<\\/a> resulting from having had our relationship end. Within this mix is also a great deal of uncertainty about how our lives will be in the future. For most of us in this situation, this <strong>uncertainty causes us to feel anxious<\\/strong>.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"f02d679\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"e1b0294\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2f27b7f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"What are we anxious about during our separation?\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"d23ded9\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"880e560\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c794e4c\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>As a therapist who also works with separating couples, my clients\\u2019 have multiple anxieties stemming from their separation. These anxieties often wake them in the early hours of the morning.<\\/p><p>Here are their top 3 -\\u00a0<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"cf055db\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"72caab2\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"d283d28\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/1.png\",\"id\":3747,\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"9ae52a4\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":90},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"4201549\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Anxiety about our financial future<\\/p>\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"13\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"7ef1b5c\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"e823707\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"7840dbd\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"Will I have enough money to support myself properly?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"4b67d59\"},{\"text\":\"Will there be sufficient funds to live comfortably enough, or will I have to live on a restrictive budget?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"1d5f77a\"},{\"text\":\"Will we need to sell the family home?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"0520519\"},{\"text\":\"Will I have enough to offer my children the opportunities I wanted them to have prior to separation, such as private schooling or to take them on a holiday?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"1e88854\"},{\"text\":\"Will I be able to look after the finances without my partner (if not done this in the relationship)?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"31e7b52\"}],\"divider\":\"yes\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"5faf6b8\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9cf3f43\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"d697282\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/2.png\",\"id\":3748,\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"05e1109\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":90},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"48530f3\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>We are often anxious about our children<\\/p>\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"13\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"0c89188\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"d665354\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"82292cb\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"How will this news break their hearts?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"4b67d59\"},{\"text\":\"Will they be ok if their parents are separated? Is this scarring them for life?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"1d5f77a\"},{\"text\":\"Will they need to move out of their home?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"0520519\"},{\"text\":\"Will they need to go to a new school?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"1e88854\"},{\"text\":\"What about their friends?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"31e7b52\"},{\"text\":\"Will I be a good enough parent by myself?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"04c97f0\"},{\"text\":\"Am I enough of a parent for them?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"3dc7525\"},{\"text\":\"Will they be ok at their other parent\\u2019s home without me?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"eb48fd6\"},{\"text\":\"Will their other parent remember their medicine? Night-time routine? Feed them healthy enough food? Get them off their screens? Pack their school bags properly? Use sunscreen?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"edb55a9\"}],\"divider\":\"yes\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e79d5a3\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"0bfa964\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"30cc09b\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/3.png\",\"id\":3749,\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"edb891a\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":90},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"3843a1c\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>We are also anxious about life without our partner<\\/p>\",\"_padding\":{\"unit\":\"px\",\"top\":\"13\",\"right\":\"0\",\"bottom\":\"0\",\"left\":\"0\",\"isLinked\":false}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"8ab5d42\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"f2d0b68\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"cc39ed6\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"icon_list\":[{\"text\":\"Will I feel safe without them at home?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"4b67d59\"},{\"text\":\"Who am I without them?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"1d5f77a\"},{\"text\":\"What kind of lawyer have they chosen? Will they be out to get me?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"0520519\"},{\"text\":\"What is going to happen to our friends and families? Will I lose some of them too?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"1e88854\"},{\"text\":\"How do I manage the continuous noise inside of my mind about my relationship ending?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"31e7b52\"},{\"text\":\"How am I really doing? Am I drinking too much? Have I started controlling food or binge eating? Am I working too hard? Exercising too much? Am I partying too hard or going manic? Or even having sex with people I don\\u2019t really know? Am I withdrawing and isolating too much? Are these really helping me? Am I really safe?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"04c97f0\"},{\"text\":\"What\\u2019s wrong with me? Am I not good enough?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"3dc7525\"},{\"text\":\"Will anyone find me interesting or attractive again?\",\"selected_icon\":{\"value\":\"fas fa-circle\",\"library\":\"fa-solid\"},\"_id\":\"476cf66\"}],\"divider\":\"yes\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"icon-list\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"3adc863\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"561e2e5\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8fd6705\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"Will anyone find me interesting or attractive again?\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e2e47db\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"09cc562\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8dbd096\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>In her book, The Mind-Strength Method: Four steps to curb anxiety, conquer worry &amp; build resilience, Dr. Jodie Lowinger notes that we engage in certain \\u2018safety behaviours\\u2019 to eliminate uncertainty and achieve control. Despite being called \\u2018safety behaviours\\u2019, they are not offering any real safety, they offer us <strong>the illusion of safety<\\/strong> in the face of uncertainty.<\\/p><p>I\\u2019m sharing the 3 \\u2018safety behaviours\\u2019 that she describes that I often hear in my consulting room when people are separating. These are -\\u00a0<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"8c91bf1\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"1bb5ba3\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"f6adf34\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/1.png\",\"id\":3747,\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"45470fa\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":90},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"b1ee5f3\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p><strong>Worry<\\/strong> \\u2013 When we repeatedly focus our attention on the problems, we end up feeling more anxious. Lowinger recognises how problematic this in and states that a \\u201cnegative outcome is the inevitable part of worry \\u2013 by the very nature of worry it is not a story with a happy ending\\u2026 in its extreme form is called catastrophising.\\u201d (p.108)<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"fa0bd67\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"0680251\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"93825cd\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/2.png\",\"id\":3748,\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"f7071cc\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":90},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"19d7b6f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p><strong>Mind reading<\\/strong> \\u2013 This strategy is highly problematic, and we will never achieve certainty this way. When my clients attempt to read my mind, they are mostly so far off the mark. We need to ask people what they are thinking.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"c1e4d0f\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":{\"structure\":\"20\"},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"717dd22\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":10},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8e2fc87\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"image\":{\"url\":\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/wp-content\\/uploads\\/2022\\/07\\/3.png\",\"id\":3749,\"alt\":\"\",\"source\":\"library\"}},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"image\"}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"7627dd1\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":50,\"_inline_size\":90},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"4cbca56\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p><strong>Over-checking and reassurance seeking<\\/strong> \\u2013 Lowinger notes that these 2 strategies do not work as neither will provide the certainty we seek as it does not exist. We may experience momentary relief, however, the anxiety will creep back in.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"cbaf279\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9556773\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"eb3ca17\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>One of the biggest gifts we can give ourselves during our separation and divorce process is to learn to accept uncertainty. We need to surrender to uncertainty, otherwise, we will keep using \\u2018safety behaviours\\u2019 that provide no actual safety. 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Some lawyers see an increase of 30%. For family lawyers, January is traditionally known as \\u2018Divorce Month\\u2019, and this usually begins in the second week of January when many of us head back to work after the Christmas break.<\\/p><p>Therapists are also typically inundated at this time too. I know in my clinic we always experience a huge spike in clients contacts, and many of these are related to partners having increased depression, anxiety, or loneliness relating to issues in their couple relationship.<\\/p><p>What we don\\u2019t know is whether this New Year will be any different. Many lawyers have already experienced these spikes following the lifting of Covid restrictions and lockdowns. Therapists similarly saw major spikes last year, as Covid-related anxiety, depression, and stressors pushed many more people to seek help. I hope this January is different, as relationships have already been heavily tested during the pandemic.<\\/p><p>I\\u2019m not against couples separating. No-one walks in anyone else\\u2019s shoes and can determine just how unhappy they are in their relationship. I do, however, believe we need to try everything to fix it before leaving, especially if there are children involved. Sadly, there are many relationships that could have been saved if partners knew how to get the right help.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"3adc863\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"561e2e5\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8fd6705\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"New Year\\u2019s Resolution\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e2e47db\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"09cc562\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8dbd096\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>If you\\u2019re going to make any New Year\\u2019s resolutions, I believe you would best be served by working on your couple relationship. Unless there is violence or abuse occurring, then it may be worth trying again to resolve issues in your relationship. Just make sure you\\u2019ve done everything you can before you open the door to separation.<\\/p><p>Separation processes are nearly always anxiety provoking and exhausting, and typically it takes 2 years to feel yourself again following a separation \\u2013 and that\\u2019s if it\\u2019s a friendly enough separation. I have some clients who have to deal with continuously hostile and belligerent exes even years after the actual separation. They are dragged into multiple court processes, racking up massive legal fees, leaving them unable to properly get on with their lives.<\\/p><p>Unfortunately, financial stress can lead many couples to separate, however this doesn\\u2019t solve the financial problem as separation leaves everyone worse off. On top of this, many couples have already been financially hammered by the pandemic. Separation brings the standard of living down a notch or more for everyone. See if there are other ways to solve your financial stress, even if it\\u2019s a long-term plan such as studying part time or skills development.<\\/p><p>If you are a couple with regular cycles of conflict, then you can work through the conflict to make sense of it and understand where it\\u00a0really\\u00a0comes from. You can learn why you are triggered by your partner. You can also learn strategies to calm yourself down once you have been triggered.<\\/p><p>If you are a couple with communication difficulties, then you can work to overcome the differences between you. Communication is tricky and we can easily take our partner\\u2019s communication style personally. As a therapist, I can tell you that our partner\\u2019s communication style is all about them, it\\u2019s hardly ever personal, even though it can feel very personal indeed.<\\/p><p>If you are a couple struggling with decreased intimacy and connection, then you can improve this too.<\\/p><p>Therapy is a helpful avenue for many couples to go down. Learning about each other in couples therapy is an intimate experience and leads to greater joy and connection between partners. Take the time to get to know each other and why you react to each other the way you do.<\\/p><p>There are also\\u00a0online courses\\u00a0and even podcasts that can decrease your conflict, improve the way you both communicate and increase intimacy and joy. If money is tight, these are cheaper options than ongoing therapy and can provide you a wealth of information. They really can set you on a better path in yourself and your relationship.<\\/p><p>Make it a priority to resolve your relationship difficulties in 2022.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(18195,5187,'_elementor_css','a:6:{s:4:\"time\";i:1661508408;s:5:\"fonts\";a:0:{}s:5:\"icons\";a:0:{}s:20:\"dynamic_elements_ids\";a:0:{}s:6:\"status\";s:4:\"file\";i:0;s:0:\"\";}'),(18196,5182,'_elementor_css','a:6:{s:4:\"time\";i:1661508678;s:5:\"fonts\";a:0:{}s:5:\"icons\";a:0:{}s:20:\"dynamic_elements_ids\";a:0:{}s:6:\"status\";s:4:\"file\";i:0;s:0:\"\";}'),(18197,5188,'_edit_last','2'),(18198,5188,'_edit_lock','1661509048:2'),(18199,5188,'_wp_page_template','default'),(18200,5188,'featured-video-url',''),(18201,5188,'featured-quote-text',''),(18202,5188,'featured-quote-cite',''),(18203,5188,'featured-audio-url',''),(18204,5188,'featured-link-url',''),(18205,5188,'featured-link-text',''),(18206,5188,'featured-link-short',''),(18207,5188,'post_content_padding','a:3:{s:5:\"units\";s:2:\"px\";s:11:\"padding-top\";s:0:\"\";s:14:\"padding-bottom\";s:0:\"\";}'),(18208,5188,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(18209,5188,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(18210,5188,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(18211,5188,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(18212,5188,'_oembed_2bb6871532de21756d5d7ddb684aaeb8','<iframe title=\"245 - 3 Secrets to Beat Performance Anxiety by Savvy Psychologist\" width=\"640\" height=\"400\" scrolling=\"no\" frameborder=\"no\" src=\"https://w.soundcloud.com/player/?visual=true&url=https%3A%2F%2Fapi.soundcloud.com%2Ftracks%2F621931155&show_artwork=true&maxheight=960&maxwidth=640\"></iframe>'),(18213,5188,'_oembed_time_2bb6871532de21756d5d7ddb684aaeb8','1658107090'),(18214,5188,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(18215,5188,'_wp_old_date','2022-07-18'),(18216,5188,'_thumbnail_id','5189'),(18217,5188,'_wp_old_date','2022-08-07'),(18218,5188,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:4:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:4;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:4;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:7;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:7;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:7;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}s:7:\"heading\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:3;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:1;s:8:\"controls\";a:2:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:13:\"section_title\";a:2:{s:5:\"title\";i:3;s:11:\"header_size\";i:3;}}s:5:\"style\";a:1:{s:19:\"section_title_style\";a:1:{s:11:\"title_color\";i:3;}}}}}'),(18220,5188,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Many couples fight. You won\\u2019t see this on their Facebook or Instagram pics but I\\u2019m telling you they do. I would love to see partners posting pics of real life together, the good, the boring and the ugly. As a couples therapist, I see it all. Here\\u2019s the thing, it\\u2019s all normal. Even fights are a\\u00a0normal\\u00a0part of couple relationships. They just don\\u2019t usually feel normal.<\\/p><p>Even though fighting with our partner is normal, how do we know if our fighting is unhealthy? How do we know how much other people fight? How do we know how other couples experience conflict? Do other couples also find their conflict brutal and soul-destroying? So when should we be worried about our conflict?<\\/p><p>I was speaking to an old school friend at a reunion recently who said she and her husband have two huge fights a year. They yell it all out, sharing with each other just how inadequate, useless, annoying, and horrible they believe each other to be. They have a cold war for about 5 days. Then it\\u2019s over. No residue. Should they be worried? No, not at all. Other couples let it rip much more often.<\\/p><p>Living with another person, day in day out, for years and decades can be difficult. We both have different hopes, desires, or ideas of how we want to live life, how to have a relationship, or how children should be raised. There will always be differences between us. On top of this, we all change throughout life. I\\u2019m certainly not the same person I was at 25 or even 40. We all change because life changes us through our experiences. These changes in us are felt in our relationship too.<\\/p><p>To determine whether we should be worried about our conflict we can...<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"f02d679\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"e1b0294\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2f27b7f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"1. Attend to our feelings\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"d23ded9\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"880e560\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c794e4c\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>We should be worried when our\\u00a0<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/case-study\\/why-your-relationship-is-struggling-right-now\\/\\\"><strong>couple conflict<\\/strong><\\/a>\\u00a0makes us feel repeatedly bad about ourselves, our partner, and\\/or our relationship. This typically doesn\\u2019t happen after one fight, but after repeated episodes of conflict. I call these\\u00a0cycles of conflict.<\\/p><p>When fights are ongoing and intense, we need to pay attention to changes in how we\\u00a0feel\\u00a0in the relationship. Are we becoming more anxious? Are we finding our partner scary? (I\\u2019m not talking about domestic violence or abuse) Are we feeling depressed or flat about our lives? Are we less motivated or struggling to connect with others? Is it harder to face the day ahead? Is our sleep becoming disrupted?<\\/p><p>Feeling this doesn\\u2019t mean our relationship is wrong for us or that we need to get out. It means there are things we need to sort out as we are both being triggered by each other and it\\u2019s now hurting us both. Often partners try to resolve their conflict themselves. Many work extremely hard to understand why they\\u2019re fighting or what they\\u2019re fighting about, yet there is often another episode of conflict around the corner.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"3adc863\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"561e2e5\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8fd6705\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"2. Listen to our internal stories \\u2013 our ego\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e2e47db\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"09cc562\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8dbd096\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>When we first met our partner our internal stories, created by our ego, we\\u2019re more likely to be positive. However, the more we engage in intense and soul-destroying conflict with them our stories alter and become more negative.<\\/p><p>We need to listen to how our ego speaks to us about our lives together. Do we create stories of our partner being cruel or dangerous in any way? Do we perceive them as a threat? Do we tell ourselves that they are responsible for ruining the relationship we wanted to have? Are our stories filling up with resentment? How often do we tell ourselves or others these negative stories?<\\/p><p>When we view our partner in this way it alters how we relate to them \\u2013 as a threat. In fact, we\\u2019re biologically wired to fight with them or run away. This is our very primitive fight or flight response. We are biologically wired to keep away from people, animals or environments we perceive to be hurting us \\u2013 and this can include our partner.<\\/p><p>The way we treat or behave towards our partner will be altered by the stories we tell ourselves about them. If the stories are negative and how they are the reason we are unhappy, then we put this into the relationship \\u2013 even if we try to hide how we feel. We don\\u2019t normally want to be intimate with someone we experience as a threat, and this impacts our sexual relationship too.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"bd2a36c\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"7e05055\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"e965a45\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"3. Listen to the children \\u2013 they will let you know\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"0513a3b\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"345f984\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"564048c\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>If you have children, they\\u2019ll let you know if you should be worried about your conflict. You can even ask them how they feel about it. As a parent in conflict, answer these questions honestly.<\\/p><p>Do the children get involved in your conflict and try to mediate you both or do they become the judge and jury? Why do you believe they do this?<\\/p><p>Do the children scatter quickly when you fight? Do you know what they\\u2019re doing or how they feel when they scatter? Are they fearful of the conflict or that you may separate?<\\/p><p>Do the children throw themselves into the line of fire in the conflict? If yes, they are trying to move the conflict away from the two of you, deflecting the focus onto themselves. Despite them looking brave in this moment, they\\u2019re doing this because your fights feel less safe to them than staying out of it.<\\/p><p>Do they try to cheer you up or make you smile during or following conflict? If they do this, they are playing a role in your conflict as they feel a responsibility to make you feel better. This is role reversal as it\\u2019s the parent\\u2019s role to cheer the child up \\u2013 not the other way around.<\\/p><p>When children play a role in their parents\\u2019 conflict, they are losing freedom to be a normal child. Most importantly, the conflict hijacks their normal emotional and physical development. Children need their parents to find a way to stop fighting.<\\/p><p>If you have any questions or are unsure whether you should be worried about your couple conflict you can contact me directly on <a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/get-in-touch\\/\\\"><strong>here<\\/strong><\\/a>.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(18229,5189,'_wp_attached_file','2022/08/shutterstock_1355008151.jpg'),(18230,5189,'_wp_attachment_metadata','a:6:{s:5:\"width\";i:1000;s:6:\"height\";i:667;s:4:\"file\";s:35:\"2022/08/shutterstock_1355008151.jpg\";s:8:\"filesize\";i:429543;s:5:\"sizes\";a:7:{s:6:\"medium\";a:5:{s:4:\"file\";s:35:\"shutterstock_1355008151-300x200.jpg\";s:5:\"width\";i:300;s:6:\"height\";i:200;s:9:\"mime-type\";s:10:\"image/jpeg\";s:8:\"filesize\";i:9310;}s:9:\"thumbnail\";a:5:{s:4:\"file\";s:35:\"shutterstock_1355008151-150x150.jpg\";s:5:\"width\";i:150;s:6:\"height\";i:150;s:9:\"mime-type\";s:10:\"image/jpeg\";s:8:\"filesize\";i:4876;}s:12:\"medium_large\";a:5:{s:4:\"file\";s:35:\"shutterstock_1355008151-768x512.jpg\";s:5:\"width\";i:768;s:6:\"height\";i:512;s:9:\"mime-type\";s:10:\"image/jpeg\";s:8:\"filesize\";i:33089;}s:14:\"blog-fullwidth\";a:5:{s:4:\"file\";s:36:\"shutterstock_1355008151-1000x600.jpg\";s:5:\"width\";i:1000;s:6:\"height\";i:600;s:9:\"mime-type\";s:10:\"image/jpeg\";s:8:\"filesize\";i:44835;}s:21:\"woocommerce_thumbnail\";a:6:{s:4:\"file\";s:35:\"shutterstock_1355008151-300x300.jpg\";s:5:\"width\";i:300;s:6:\"height\";i:300;s:9:\"mime-type\";s:10:\"image/jpeg\";s:8:\"filesize\";i:11837;s:9:\"uncropped\";b:0;}s:18:\"woocommerce_single\";a:5:{s:4:\"file\";s:35:\"shutterstock_1355008151-600x400.jpg\";s:5:\"width\";i:600;s:6:\"height\";i:400;s:9:\"mime-type\";s:10:\"image/jpeg\";s:8:\"filesize\";i:23478;}s:29:\"woocommerce_gallery_thumbnail\";a:5:{s:4:\"file\";s:35:\"shutterstock_1355008151-370x420.jpg\";s:5:\"width\";i:370;s:6:\"height\";i:420;s:9:\"mime-type\";s:10:\"image/jpeg\";s:8:\"filesize\";i:16825;}}s:10:\"image_meta\";a:12:{s:8:\"aperture\";s:1:\"0\";s:6:\"credit\";s:12:\"Shutterstock\";s:6:\"camera\";s:0:\"\";s:7:\"caption\";s:0:\"\";s:17:\"created_timestamp\";s:1:\"0\";s:9:\"copyright\";s:68:\"Copyright (c) 2019 Cat Box/Shutterstock.  No use without permission.\";s:12:\"focal_length\";s:1:\"0\";s:3:\"iso\";s:1:\"0\";s:13:\"shutter_speed\";s:1:\"0\";s:5:\"title\";s:65:\"Young,Couple,Relation,Problem,Concept,:,Young,Asian,Woman,Feeling\";s:11:\"orientation\";s:1:\"1\";s:8:\"keywords\";a:1:{i:0;s:64:\"argument,couple,arguing,bad,husband,sadness,ignoring,beautiful,s\";}}}'),(18231,5190,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(18232,5190,'_wp_page_template','default'),(18233,5190,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(18234,5190,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(18235,5190,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(18236,5190,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(18237,5190,'_thumbnail_id','5189'),(18238,5190,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:4:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:3;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:3;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:5;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:5;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:5;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}s:7:\"heading\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:2;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:1;s:8:\"controls\";a:2:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:13:\"section_title\";a:2:{s:5:\"title\";i:2;s:11:\"header_size\";i:2;}}s:5:\"style\";a:1:{s:19:\"section_title_style\";a:1:{s:11:\"title_color\";i:2;}}}}}'),(18239,5190,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Whilst many of us welcomed 2022 with excitement and thoughts of New Year\\u2019s resolutions or goals we wish to achieve, there are also many of us struggling with the state of our couple relationship and close to ending it.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"f02d679\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"e1b0294\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2f27b7f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"New Year\\u2019s Separation\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"d23ded9\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"880e560\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c794e4c\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>This is no surprise for family lawyers who traditionally see an increase in client numbers in January with high numbers of partners seeking legal advice for how to separate. Some lawyers see an increase of 30%. For family lawyers, January is traditionally known as \\u2018Divorce Month\\u2019, and this usually begins in the second week of January when many of us head back to work after the Christmas break.<\\/p><p>Therapists are also typically inundated at this time too. I know in my clinic we always experience a huge spike in clients contacts, and many of these are related to partners having increased depression, anxiety, or loneliness relating to issues in their couple relationship.<\\/p><p>What we don\\u2019t know is whether this New Year will be any different. Many lawyers have already experienced these spikes following the lifting of Covid restrictions and lockdowns. Therapists similarly saw major spikes last year, as Covid-related anxiety, depression, and stressors pushed many more people to seek help. I hope this January is different, as relationships have already been heavily tested during the pandemic.<\\/p><p>I\\u2019m not against couples separating. No-one walks in anyone else\\u2019s shoes and can determine just how unhappy they are in their relationship. I do, however, believe we need to try everything to fix it before leaving, especially if there are children involved. Sadly, there are many relationships that could have been saved if partners knew how to get the right help.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"3adc863\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"561e2e5\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8fd6705\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"New Year\\u2019s Resolution\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e2e47db\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"09cc562\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8dbd096\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>If you\\u2019re going to make any New Year\\u2019s resolutions, I believe you would best be served by working on your couple relationship. Unless there is violence or abuse occurring, then it may be worth trying again to resolve issues in your relationship. Just make sure you\\u2019ve done everything you can before you open the door to separation.<\\/p><p>Separation processes are nearly always anxiety provoking and exhausting, and typically it takes 2 years to feel yourself again following a separation \\u2013 and that\\u2019s if it\\u2019s a friendly enough separation. I have some clients who have to deal with continuously hostile and belligerent exes even years after the actual separation. They are dragged into multiple court processes, racking up massive legal fees, leaving them unable to properly get on with their lives.<\\/p><p>Unfortunately, financial stress can lead many couples to separate, however this doesn\\u2019t solve the financial problem as separation leaves everyone worse off. On top of this, many couples have already been financially hammered by the pandemic. Separation brings the standard of living down a notch or more for everyone. See if there are other ways to solve your financial stress, even if it\\u2019s a long-term plan such as studying part time or skills development.<\\/p><p>If you are a couple with regular cycles of conflict, then you can work through the conflict to make sense of it and understand where it\\u00a0really\\u00a0comes from. You can learn why you are triggered by your partner. You can also learn strategies to calm yourself down once you have been triggered.<\\/p><p>If you are a couple with communication difficulties, then you can work to overcome the differences between you. Communication is tricky and we can easily take our partner\\u2019s communication style personally. As a therapist, I can tell you that our partner\\u2019s communication style is all about them, it\\u2019s hardly ever personal, even though it can feel very personal indeed.<\\/p><p>If you are a couple struggling with decreased intimacy and connection, then you can improve this too.<\\/p><p>Therapy is a helpful avenue for many couples to go down. Learning about each other in couples therapy is an intimate experience and leads to greater joy and connection between partners. Take the time to get to know each other and why you react to each other the way you do.<\\/p><p>There are also\\u00a0online courses\\u00a0and even podcasts that can decrease your conflict, improve the way you both communicate and increase intimacy and joy. If money is tight, these are cheaper options than ongoing therapy and can provide you a wealth of information. 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Some lawyers see an increase of 30%. For family lawyers, January is traditionally known as \\u2018Divorce Month\\u2019, and this usually begins in the second week of January when many of us head back to work after the Christmas break.<\\/p><p>Therapists are also typically inundated at this time too. I know in my clinic we always experience a huge spike in clients contacts, and many of these are related to partners having increased depression, anxiety, or loneliness relating to issues in their couple relationship.<\\/p><p>What we don\\u2019t know is whether this New Year will be any different. Many lawyers have already experienced these spikes following the lifting of Covid restrictions and lockdowns. Therapists similarly saw major spikes last year, as Covid-related anxiety, depression, and stressors pushed many more people to seek help. I hope this January is different, as relationships have already been heavily tested during the pandemic.<\\/p><p>I\\u2019m not against couples separating. No-one walks in anyone else\\u2019s shoes and can determine just how unhappy they are in their relationship. I do, however, believe we need to try everything to fix it before leaving, especially if there are children involved. Sadly, there are many relationships that could have been saved if partners knew how to get the right help.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"3adc863\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"561e2e5\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8fd6705\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"New Year\\u2019s Resolution\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e2e47db\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"09cc562\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8dbd096\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>If you\\u2019re going to make any New Year\\u2019s resolutions, I believe you would best be served by working on your couple relationship. Unless there is violence or abuse occurring, then it may be worth trying again to resolve issues in your relationship. Just make sure you\\u2019ve done everything you can before you open the door to separation.<\\/p><p>Separation processes are nearly always anxiety provoking and exhausting, and typically it takes 2 years to feel yourself again following a separation \\u2013 and that\\u2019s if it\\u2019s a friendly enough separation. I have some clients who have to deal with continuously hostile and belligerent exes even years after the actual separation. They are dragged into multiple court processes, racking up massive legal fees, leaving them unable to properly get on with their lives.<\\/p><p>Unfortunately, financial stress can lead many couples to separate, however this doesn\\u2019t solve the financial problem as separation leaves everyone worse off. On top of this, many couples have already been financially hammered by the pandemic. Separation brings the standard of living down a notch or more for everyone. See if there are other ways to solve your financial stress, even if it\\u2019s a long-term plan such as studying part time or skills development.<\\/p><p>If you are a couple with regular cycles of conflict, then you can work through the conflict to make sense of it and understand where it\\u00a0really\\u00a0comes from. You can learn why you are triggered by your partner. You can also learn strategies to calm yourself down once you have been triggered.<\\/p><p>If you are a couple with communication difficulties, then you can work to overcome the differences between you. Communication is tricky and we can easily take our partner\\u2019s communication style personally. As a therapist, I can tell you that our partner\\u2019s communication style is all about them, it\\u2019s hardly ever personal, even though it can feel very personal indeed.<\\/p><p>If you are a couple struggling with decreased intimacy and connection, then you can improve this too.<\\/p><p>Therapy is a helpful avenue for many couples to go down. Learning about each other in couples therapy is an intimate experience and leads to greater joy and connection between partners. Take the time to get to know each other and why you react to each other the way you do.<\\/p><p>There are also\\u00a0online courses\\u00a0and even podcasts that can decrease your conflict, improve the way you both communicate and increase intimacy and joy. If money is tight, these are cheaper options than ongoing therapy and can provide you a wealth of information. They really can set you on a better path in yourself and your relationship.<\\/p><p>Make it a priority to resolve your relationship difficulties in 2022.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(18253,5191,'_elementor_css','a:6:{s:4:\"time\";i:1661508701;s:5:\"fonts\";a:0:{}s:5:\"icons\";a:0:{}s:20:\"dynamic_elements_ids\";a:0:{}s:6:\"status\";s:4:\"file\";i:0;s:0:\"\";}'),(18254,5192,'_wp_page_template','default'),(18255,5192,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(18256,5192,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(18257,5192,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(18258,5192,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(18259,5192,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(18260,5192,'_thumbnail_id','5189'),(18261,5192,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:4:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:3;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:3;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:5;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:5;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:5;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}s:7:\"heading\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:2;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:1;s:8:\"controls\";a:2:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:13:\"section_title\";a:2:{s:5:\"title\";i:2;s:11:\"header_size\";i:2;}}s:5:\"style\";a:1:{s:19:\"section_title_style\";a:1:{s:11:\"title_color\";i:2;}}}}}'),(18262,5192,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Whilst many of us welcomed 2022 with excitement and thoughts of New Year\\u2019s resolutions or goals we wish to achieve, there are also many of us struggling with the state of our couple relationship and close to ending it.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"f02d679\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"e1b0294\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2f27b7f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"New Year\\u2019s Separation\\n\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"d23ded9\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"880e560\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c794e4c\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>This is no surprise for family lawyers who traditionally see an increase in client numbers in January with high numbers of partners seeking legal advice for how to separate. Some lawyers see an increase of 30%. For family lawyers, January is traditionally known as \\u2018Divorce Month\\u2019, and this usually begins in the second week of January when many of us head back to work after the Christmas break.<\\/p><p>Therapists are also typically inundated at this time too. I know in my clinic we always experience a huge spike in clients contacts, and many of these are related to partners having increased depression, anxiety, or loneliness relating to issues in their couple relationship.<\\/p><p>What we don\\u2019t know is whether this New Year will be any different. Many lawyers have already experienced these spikes following the lifting of Covid restrictions and lockdowns. Therapists similarly saw major spikes last year, as Covid-related anxiety, depression, and stressors pushed many more people to seek help. I hope this January is different, as relationships have already been heavily tested during the pandemic.<\\/p><p>I\\u2019m not against couples separating. No-one walks in anyone else\\u2019s shoes and can determine just how unhappy they are in their relationship. I do, however, believe we need to try everything to fix it before leaving, especially if there are children involved. Sadly, there are many relationships that could have been saved if partners knew how to get the right help.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"3adc863\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"561e2e5\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8fd6705\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"New Year\\u2019s Resolution\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e2e47db\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"09cc562\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8dbd096\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>If you\\u2019re going to make any New Year\\u2019s resolutions, I believe you would best be served by working on your couple relationship. Unless there is violence or abuse occurring, then it may be worth trying again to resolve issues in your relationship. Just make sure you\\u2019ve done everything you can before you open the door to separation.<\\/p><p>Separation processes are nearly always anxiety provoking and exhausting, and typically it takes 2 years to feel yourself again following a separation \\u2013 and that\\u2019s if it\\u2019s a friendly enough separation. I have some clients who have to deal with continuously hostile and belligerent exes even years after the actual separation. They are dragged into multiple court processes, racking up massive legal fees, leaving them unable to properly get on with their lives.<\\/p><p>Unfortunately, financial stress can lead many couples to separate, however this doesn\\u2019t solve the financial problem as separation leaves everyone worse off. On top of this, many couples have already been financially hammered by the pandemic. Separation brings the standard of living down a notch or more for everyone. See if there are other ways to solve your financial stress, even if it\\u2019s a long-term plan such as studying part time or skills development.<\\/p><p>If you are a couple with regular cycles of conflict, then you can work through the conflict to make sense of it and understand where it\\u00a0really\\u00a0comes from. You can learn why you are triggered by your partner. You can also learn strategies to calm yourself down once you have been triggered.<\\/p><p>If you are a couple with communication difficulties, then you can work to overcome the differences between you. Communication is tricky and we can easily take our partner\\u2019s communication style personally. As a therapist, I can tell you that our partner\\u2019s communication style is all about them, it\\u2019s hardly ever personal, even though it can feel very personal indeed.<\\/p><p>If you are a couple struggling with decreased intimacy and connection, then you can improve this too.<\\/p><p>Therapy is a helpful avenue for many couples to go down. Learning about each other in couples therapy is an intimate experience and leads to greater joy and connection between partners. Take the time to get to know each other and why you react to each other the way you do.<\\/p><p>There are also\\u00a0online courses\\u00a0and even podcasts that can decrease your conflict, improve the way you both communicate and increase intimacy and joy. If money is tight, these are cheaper options than ongoing therapy and can provide you a wealth of information. They really can set you on a better path in yourself and your relationship.<\\/p><p>Make it a priority to resolve your relationship difficulties in 2022.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(18263,5192,'_elementor_css','a:6:{s:4:\"time\";i:1661508701;s:5:\"fonts\";a:0:{}s:5:\"icons\";a:0:{}s:20:\"dynamic_elements_ids\";a:0:{}s:6:\"status\";s:4:\"file\";i:0;s:0:\"\";}'),(18264,5193,'_wp_page_template','default'),(18265,5193,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(18266,5193,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(18267,5193,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(18268,5193,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(18269,5193,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(18270,5193,'_thumbnail_id','5189'),(18271,5193,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:4:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:3;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:3;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:5;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:5;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:5;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}s:7:\"heading\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:2;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:1;s:8:\"controls\";a:2:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:13:\"section_title\";a:2:{s:5:\"title\";i:2;s:11:\"header_size\";i:2;}}s:5:\"style\";a:1:{s:19:\"section_title_style\";a:1:{s:11:\"title_color\";i:2;}}}}}'),(18272,5193,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Many couples fight. You won\\u2019t see this on their Facebook or Instagram pics but I\\u2019m telling you they do. I would love to see partners posting pics of real life together, the good, the boring and the ugly. As a couples therapist, I see it all. Here\\u2019s the thing, it\\u2019s all normal. Even fights are a\\u00a0normal\\u00a0part of couple relationships. They just don\\u2019t usually feel normal.<\\/p><p>Even though fighting with our partner is normal, how do we know if our fighting is unhealthy? How do we know how much other people fight? How do we know how other couples experience conflict? Do other couples also find their conflict brutal and soul-destroying? So when should we be worried about our conflict?<\\/p><p>I was speaking to an old school friend at a reunion recently who said she and her husband have two huge fights a year. They yell it all out, sharing with each other just how inadequate, useless, annoying, and horrible they believe each other to be. They have a cold war for about 5 days. Then it\\u2019s over. No residue. Should they be worried? No, not at all. Other couples let it rip much more often.<\\/p><p>Living with another person, day in day out, for years and decades can be difficult. We both have different hopes, desires, or ideas of how we want to live life, how to have a relationship, or how children should be raised. There will always be differences between us. On top of this, we all change throughout life. I\\u2019m certainly not the same person I was at 25 or even 40. We all change because life changes us through our experiences. These changes in us are felt in our relationship too.<\\/p><p>To determine whether we should be worried about our conflict we can...<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"f02d679\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"e1b0294\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2f27b7f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"1. Attend to our feelings\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"d23ded9\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"880e560\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c794e4c\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>We should be worried when our\\u00a0<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/case-study\\/why-your-relationship-is-struggling-right-now\\/\\\"><strong>couple conflict<\\/strong><\\/a>\\u00a0makes us feel repeatedly bad about ourselves, our partner, and\\/or our relationship. This typically doesn\\u2019t happen after one fight, but after repeated episodes of conflict. I call these\\u00a0cycles of conflict.<\\/p><p>When fights are ongoing and intense, we need to pay attention to changes in how we\\u00a0feel\\u00a0in the relationship. Are we becoming more anxious? Are we finding our partner scary? (I\\u2019m not talking about domestic violence or abuse) Are we feeling depressed or flat about our lives? Are we less motivated or struggling to connect with others? Is it harder to face the day ahead? Is our sleep becoming disrupted?<\\/p><p>Feeling this doesn\\u2019t mean our relationship is wrong for us or that we need to get out. It means there are things we need to sort out as we are both being triggered by each other and it\\u2019s now hurting us both. Often partners try to resolve their conflict themselves. Many work extremely hard to understand why they\\u2019re fighting or what they\\u2019re fighting about, yet there is often another episode of conflict around the corner.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"3adc863\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"561e2e5\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8fd6705\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"2. Listen to our internal stories \\u2013 our ego\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e2e47db\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"09cc562\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8dbd096\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>When we first met our partner our internal stories, created by our ego, we\\u2019re more likely to be positive. However, the more we engage in intense and soul-destroying conflict with them our stories alter and become more negative.<\\/p><p>We need to listen to how our ego speaks to us about our lives together. Do we create stories of our partner being cruel or dangerous in any way? Do we perceive them as a threat? Do we tell ourselves that they are responsible for ruining the relationship we wanted to have? Are our stories filling up with resentment? How often do we tell ourselves or others these negative stories?<\\/p><p>When we view our partner in this way it alters how we relate to them \\u2013 as a threat. In fact, we\\u2019re biologically wired to fight with them or run away. This is our very primitive fight or flight response. We are biologically wired to keep away from people, animals or environments we perceive to be hurting us \\u2013 and this can include our partner.<\\/p><p>The way we treat or behave towards our partner will be altered by the stories we tell ourselves about them. If the stories are negative and how they are the reason we are unhappy, then we put this into the relationship \\u2013 even if we try to hide how we feel. We don\\u2019t normally want to be intimate with someone we experience as a threat, and this impacts our sexual relationship too.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"bd2a36c\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"7e05055\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"e965a45\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"3. Listen to the children \\u2013 they will let you know\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"0513a3b\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"345f984\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"564048c\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>If you have children, they\\u2019ll let you know if you should be worried about your conflict. You can even ask them how they feel about it. As a parent in conflict, answer these questions honestly.<\\/p><p>Do the children get involved in your conflict and try to mediate you both or do they become the judge and jury? Why do you believe they do this?<\\/p><p>Do the children scatter quickly when you fight? Do you know what they\\u2019re doing or how they feel when they scatter? Are they fearful of the conflict or that you may separate?<\\/p><p>Do the children throw themselves into the line of fire in the conflict? If yes, they are trying to move the conflict away from the two of you, deflecting the focus onto themselves. Despite them looking brave in this moment, they\\u2019re doing this because your fights feel less safe to them than staying out of it.<\\/p><p>Do they try to cheer you up or make you smile during or following conflict? If they do this, they are playing a role in your conflict as they feel a responsibility to make you feel better. This is role reversal as it\\u2019s the parent\\u2019s role to cheer the child up \\u2013 not the other way around.<\\/p><p>When children play a role in their parents\\u2019 conflict, they are losing freedom to be a normal child. Most importantly, the conflict hijacks their normal emotional and physical development. Children need their parents to find a way to stop fighting.<\\/p><p>If you have any questions or are unsure whether you should be worried about your couple conflict you can contact me directly on <a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/get-in-touch\\/\\\"><strong>here<\\/strong><\\/a>.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(18273,5193,'_elementor_css','a:6:{s:4:\"time\";i:1661508701;s:5:\"fonts\";a:0:{}s:5:\"icons\";a:0:{}s:20:\"dynamic_elements_ids\";a:0:{}s:6:\"status\";s:4:\"file\";i:0;s:0:\"\";}'),(18274,5194,'_edit_last','2'),(18275,5194,'_edit_lock','1661509199:2'),(18276,5194,'_wp_page_template','default'),(18277,5194,'featured-video-url',''),(18278,5194,'featured-quote-text',''),(18279,5194,'featured-quote-cite',''),(18280,5194,'featured-audio-url',''),(18281,5194,'featured-link-url',''),(18282,5194,'featured-link-text',''),(18283,5194,'featured-link-short',''),(18284,5194,'post_content_padding','a:3:{s:5:\"units\";s:2:\"px\";s:11:\"padding-top\";s:0:\"\";s:14:\"padding-bottom\";s:0:\"\";}'),(18285,5194,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(18286,5194,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(18287,5194,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(18288,5194,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(18289,5194,'_oembed_2bb6871532de21756d5d7ddb684aaeb8','<iframe title=\"245 - 3 Secrets to Beat Performance Anxiety by Savvy Psychologist\" width=\"640\" height=\"400\" scrolling=\"no\" frameborder=\"no\" src=\"https://w.soundcloud.com/player/?visual=true&url=https%3A%2F%2Fapi.soundcloud.com%2Ftracks%2F621931155&show_artwork=true&maxheight=960&maxwidth=640\"></iframe>'),(18290,5194,'_oembed_time_2bb6871532de21756d5d7ddb684aaeb8','1658107090'),(18291,5194,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(18292,5194,'_wp_old_date','2022-07-18'),(18293,5194,'_thumbnail_id','5195'),(18294,5194,'_wp_old_date','2022-08-07'),(18295,5194,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:3:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:1;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:1;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}}'),(18296,5194,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Why is it that some of us feel safe in our couple relationship and others don\\u2019t? Why do some of us experience our partner\\u2019s words or opinions as dangerous or threatening but someone else wouldn\\u2019t react like this? Why is it that some of us trust our partner completely, whereas some of us just can\\u2019t?<\\/p><p>Where do our experiences of feeling safe and having trust come from? Where do our experiences of not feeling safe and a lack of trust come from? For many of us the answer is found way back in time well before we met our partner \\u2013 in our early relationships with parents or caregivers.<\\/p><p>When we\\u2019re born, we don\\u2019t simply feel safe in the world. In fact, it\\u2019s quite the opposite. Our new environment outside the womb can feel truly hostile with alarming sounds, bright lights, changes in heat or cold, new textures, vibrations that thud, and now we have experiences of hunger, wet or dirty nappies, and fatigue. We have no way of understanding these experiences yet and can become easily startled or even feel threatened by them.<\\/p><p>As babies when we feel unsafe, we start to cry in an attempt to call our parents towards us. We instinctively know that they\\u2019re the ones who will protect us, so we start to feel a sense of protection when they respond to our cries. It\\u2019s only when our parents soothe us with actions, sounds, and words that we start to feel safe again. Through their nurturing us, meeting our basic needs and protecting us from danger, we develop a sense of safety. Our nervous system learns that it can be jangled or alarmed, and with the help of our soothing and protective parent, we can calm down again.<\\/p><p>When we\\u2019re young, we have hundreds or even thousands of experiences of feeling startled or threatened. We learn that our parents can soothe us and help us feel safe again. This is where trust and safety are developed \\u2013 in the critically important relationship with our parents or caregivers. Over time we learn to tolerate upsetting and distressing experiences ourselves.<\\/p><p>I wish to point out that no parent is perfect. There will be times that parents frighten or startle their child. Their voice may be too loud or their facial expression too angry. They may drink too much. The parents may fight too much. There will always be ruptures or difficulties in any parent-child relationship but what\\u2019s vital to the child\\u2019s sense of safety and trust is how they\\u2019re repaired. This is done through apologising to the child for any words or behaviour that\\u2019s out of line. This is vital if parents want their child to feel safe with them.<\\/p><p>Without these nurturing and soothing experiences with parents or caregivers we don\\u2019t develop a sense of safety and trust in relationships. Our cries for help remain unanswered. What is the child supposed to do next? They don\\u2019t know how to soothe themselves yet. They escalate their attempts to call their parents. They start to scream.<\\/p><p>We all can experience a screaming baby as unpleasant to our ears. But let\\u2019s think about it from the baby\\u2019s perspective. Babies can\\u2019t move around, find food, quench their thirst, or change their nappy themselves. They are completely dependent on parents or caregivers for everything. They can\\u2019t make sense of noises or changes in vocal tones or parental conflict. They startle or feel fear quite easily.<\\/p><p>Imagine a baby being frightened by a loud bang. They start to cry to call their parents to help them. If they are not responded to by the parents their original fear becomes compounded by the sense of now being completely alone. Their next call for help is a scream.<\\/p><p>Imagine as an adult the level of distress we would have to be in to scream like that for help. It would be terrifying, devastating and exhausting for adults to be in that state. It\\u2019s the same for a baby. Over many repeated experiences like this with parents who can\\u2019t respond to their child\\u2019s fears and basic needs, the baby doesn\\u2019t develop a sense of safety and trust. They learn something different. They learn that no-one\\u2019s coming to help them. They learn that no-one\\u2019s really there for them. They learn that they should shut up and stop crying, and not show their feelings to anyone.<\\/p><p>We either develop a sense of trust and safety with our parents or caregivers, or we don\\u2019t. And if we don\\u2019t, we grow up and become adults who take all of this into our couple relationship. Some of this we may be aware of, yet so much will be without our awareness. We can\\u2019t remember it as we were so young, but it\\u2019s unconsciously encoded in us.<\\/p><p>Typically, we won\\u2019t discuss how we feel with our partner, nor do we want to messy ourselves with our partner\\u2019s feelings. We want them to turn them off too. Unfortunately, they become upset with us as they will take it personally when we dismiss their feelings and avoid conversations within the emotional realm.<\\/p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (1492617761)<\\/em><\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(18306,5195,'_wp_attached_file','2022/08/shutterstock_1492617761.jpg'),(18307,5195,'_wp_attachment_metadata','a:6:{s:5:\"width\";i:1000;s:6:\"height\";i:667;s:4:\"file\";s:35:\"2022/08/shutterstock_1492617761.jpg\";s:8:\"filesize\";i:386806;s:5:\"sizes\";a:7:{s:6:\"medium\";a:5:{s:4:\"file\";s:35:\"shutterstock_1492617761-300x200.jpg\";s:5:\"width\";i:300;s:6:\"height\";i:200;s:9:\"mime-type\";s:10:\"image/jpeg\";s:8:\"filesize\";i:8850;}s:9:\"thumbnail\";a:5:{s:4:\"file\";s:35:\"shutterstock_1492617761-150x150.jpg\";s:5:\"width\";i:150;s:6:\"height\";i:150;s:9:\"mime-type\";s:10:\"image/jpeg\";s:8:\"filesize\";i:4470;}s:12:\"medium_large\";a:5:{s:4:\"file\";s:35:\"shutterstock_1492617761-768x512.jpg\";s:5:\"width\";i:768;s:6:\"height\";i:512;s:9:\"mime-type\";s:10:\"image/jpeg\";s:8:\"filesize\";i:32587;}s:14:\"blog-fullwidth\";a:5:{s:4:\"file\";s:36:\"shutterstock_1492617761-1000x600.jpg\";s:5:\"width\";i:1000;s:6:\"height\";i:600;s:9:\"mime-type\";s:10:\"image/jpeg\";s:8:\"filesize\";i:46835;}s:21:\"woocommerce_thumbnail\";a:6:{s:4:\"file\";s:35:\"shutterstock_1492617761-300x300.jpg\";s:5:\"width\";i:300;s:6:\"height\";i:300;s:9:\"mime-type\";s:10:\"image/jpeg\";s:8:\"filesize\";i:10988;s:9:\"uncropped\";b:0;}s:18:\"woocommerce_single\";a:5:{s:4:\"file\";s:35:\"shutterstock_1492617761-600x400.jpg\";s:5:\"width\";i:600;s:6:\"height\";i:400;s:9:\"mime-type\";s:10:\"image/jpeg\";s:8:\"filesize\";i:22703;}s:29:\"woocommerce_gallery_thumbnail\";a:5:{s:4:\"file\";s:35:\"shutterstock_1492617761-370x420.jpg\";s:5:\"width\";i:370;s:6:\"height\";i:420;s:9:\"mime-type\";s:10:\"image/jpeg\";s:8:\"filesize\";i:15886;}}s:10:\"image_meta\";a:12:{s:8:\"aperture\";s:1:\"0\";s:6:\"credit\";s:12:\"Shutterstock\";s:6:\"camera\";s:0:\"\";s:7:\"caption\";s:0:\"\";s:17:\"created_timestamp\";s:1:\"0\";s:9:\"copyright\";s:67:\"Copyright (c) 2019 fizkes/Shutterstock.  No use without permission.\";s:12:\"focal_length\";s:1:\"0\";s:3:\"iso\";s:1:\"0\";s:13:\"shutter_speed\";s:1:\"0\";s:5:\"title\";s:63:\"Mixed,Ethnicity,Family,Couple,Holding,Hands,On,Table,,Black,Man\";s:11:\"orientation\";s:1:\"1\";s:8:\"keywords\";a:1:{i:0;s:64:\"african friend,compassion care,mixed feelings,boyfriend girlfrie\";}}}'),(18308,5196,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(18309,5196,'_wp_page_template','default'),(18310,5196,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(18311,5196,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(18312,5196,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(18313,5196,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(18314,5196,'_thumbnail_id','5195'),(18315,5196,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:4:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:4;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:4;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:7;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:7;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:7;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}s:7:\"heading\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:3;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:1;s:8:\"controls\";a:2:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:13:\"section_title\";a:2:{s:5:\"title\";i:3;s:11:\"header_size\";i:3;}}s:5:\"style\";a:1:{s:19:\"section_title_style\";a:1:{s:11:\"title_color\";i:3;}}}}}'),(18316,5196,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Many couples fight. You won\\u2019t see this on their Facebook or Instagram pics but I\\u2019m telling you they do. I would love to see partners posting pics of real life together, the good, the boring and the ugly. As a couples therapist, I see it all. Here\\u2019s the thing, it\\u2019s all normal. Even fights are a\\u00a0normal\\u00a0part of couple relationships. They just don\\u2019t usually feel normal.<\\/p><p>Even though fighting with our partner is normal, how do we know if our fighting is unhealthy? How do we know how much other people fight? How do we know how other couples experience conflict? Do other couples also find their conflict brutal and soul-destroying? So when should we be worried about our conflict?<\\/p><p>I was speaking to an old school friend at a reunion recently who said she and her husband have two huge fights a year. They yell it all out, sharing with each other just how inadequate, useless, annoying, and horrible they believe each other to be. They have a cold war for about 5 days. Then it\\u2019s over. No residue. Should they be worried? No, not at all. Other couples let it rip much more often.<\\/p><p>Living with another person, day in day out, for years and decades can be difficult. We both have different hopes, desires, or ideas of how we want to live life, how to have a relationship, or how children should be raised. There will always be differences between us. On top of this, we all change throughout life. I\\u2019m certainly not the same person I was at 25 or even 40. We all change because life changes us through our experiences. These changes in us are felt in our relationship too.<\\/p><p>To determine whether we should be worried about our conflict we can...<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"f02d679\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"e1b0294\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2f27b7f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"1. Attend to our feelings\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"d23ded9\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"880e560\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c794e4c\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>We should be worried when our\\u00a0<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/case-study\\/why-your-relationship-is-struggling-right-now\\/\\\"><strong>couple conflict<\\/strong><\\/a>\\u00a0makes us feel repeatedly bad about ourselves, our partner, and\\/or our relationship. This typically doesn\\u2019t happen after one fight, but after repeated episodes of conflict. I call these\\u00a0cycles of conflict.<\\/p><p>When fights are ongoing and intense, we need to pay attention to changes in how we\\u00a0feel\\u00a0in the relationship. Are we becoming more anxious? Are we finding our partner scary? (I\\u2019m not talking about domestic violence or abuse) Are we feeling depressed or flat about our lives? Are we less motivated or struggling to connect with others? Is it harder to face the day ahead? Is our sleep becoming disrupted?<\\/p><p>Feeling this doesn\\u2019t mean our relationship is wrong for us or that we need to get out. It means there are things we need to sort out as we are both being triggered by each other and it\\u2019s now hurting us both. Often partners try to resolve their conflict themselves. Many work extremely hard to understand why they\\u2019re fighting or what they\\u2019re fighting about, yet there is often another episode of conflict around the corner.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"3adc863\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"561e2e5\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8fd6705\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"2. Listen to our internal stories \\u2013 our ego\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e2e47db\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"09cc562\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8dbd096\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>When we first met our partner our internal stories, created by our ego, we\\u2019re more likely to be positive. However, the more we engage in intense and soul-destroying conflict with them our stories alter and become more negative.<\\/p><p>We need to listen to how our ego speaks to us about our lives together. Do we create stories of our partner being cruel or dangerous in any way? Do we perceive them as a threat? Do we tell ourselves that they are responsible for ruining the relationship we wanted to have? Are our stories filling up with resentment? How often do we tell ourselves or others these negative stories?<\\/p><p>When we view our partner in this way it alters how we relate to them \\u2013 as a threat. In fact, we\\u2019re biologically wired to fight with them or run away. This is our very primitive fight or flight response. We are biologically wired to keep away from people, animals or environments we perceive to be hurting us \\u2013 and this can include our partner.<\\/p><p>The way we treat or behave towards our partner will be altered by the stories we tell ourselves about them. If the stories are negative and how they are the reason we are unhappy, then we put this into the relationship \\u2013 even if we try to hide how we feel. We don\\u2019t normally want to be intimate with someone we experience as a threat, and this impacts our sexual relationship too.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"bd2a36c\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"7e05055\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"e965a45\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"3. Listen to the children \\u2013 they will let you know\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"0513a3b\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"345f984\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"564048c\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>If you have children, they\\u2019ll let you know if you should be worried about your conflict. You can even ask them how they feel about it. As a parent in conflict, answer these questions honestly.<\\/p><p>Do the children get involved in your conflict and try to mediate you both or do they become the judge and jury? Why do you believe they do this?<\\/p><p>Do the children scatter quickly when you fight? Do you know what they\\u2019re doing or how they feel when they scatter? Are they fearful of the conflict or that you may separate?<\\/p><p>Do the children throw themselves into the line of fire in the conflict? If yes, they are trying to move the conflict away from the two of you, deflecting the focus onto themselves. Despite them looking brave in this moment, they\\u2019re doing this because your fights feel less safe to them than staying out of it.<\\/p><p>Do they try to cheer you up or make you smile during or following conflict? If they do this, they are playing a role in your conflict as they feel a responsibility to make you feel better. This is role reversal as it\\u2019s the parent\\u2019s role to cheer the child up \\u2013 not the other way around.<\\/p><p>When children play a role in their parents\\u2019 conflict, they are losing freedom to be a normal child. Most importantly, the conflict hijacks their normal emotional and physical development. Children need their parents to find a way to stop fighting.<\\/p><p>If you have any questions or are unsure whether you should be worried about your couple conflict you can contact me directly on <a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/get-in-touch\\/\\\"><strong>here<\\/strong><\\/a>.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(18317,5196,'_elementor_css','a:7:{s:4:\"time\";i:1661509062;s:5:\"fonts\";a:0:{}s:5:\"icons\";a:0:{}s:20:\"dynamic_elements_ids\";a:0:{}s:6:\"status\";s:5:\"empty\";i:0;s:0:\"\";s:3:\"css\";s:0:\"\";}'),(18320,5197,'_wp_page_template','default'),(18321,5197,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(18322,5197,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(18323,5197,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(18324,5197,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(18325,5197,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(18326,5197,'_thumbnail_id','5195'),(18327,5197,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:4:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:4;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:4;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:7;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:7;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:7;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}s:7:\"heading\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:3;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:1;s:8:\"controls\";a:2:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:13:\"section_title\";a:2:{s:5:\"title\";i:3;s:11:\"header_size\";i:3;}}s:5:\"style\";a:1:{s:19:\"section_title_style\";a:1:{s:11:\"title_color\";i:3;}}}}}'),(18328,5197,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Many couples fight. You won\\u2019t see this on their Facebook or Instagram pics but I\\u2019m telling you they do. I would love to see partners posting pics of real life together, the good, the boring and the ugly. As a couples therapist, I see it all. Here\\u2019s the thing, it\\u2019s all normal. Even fights are a\\u00a0normal\\u00a0part of couple relationships. They just don\\u2019t usually feel normal.<\\/p><p>Even though fighting with our partner is normal, how do we know if our fighting is unhealthy? How do we know how much other people fight? How do we know how other couples experience conflict? Do other couples also find their conflict brutal and soul-destroying? So when should we be worried about our conflict?<\\/p><p>I was speaking to an old school friend at a reunion recently who said she and her husband have two huge fights a year. They yell it all out, sharing with each other just how inadequate, useless, annoying, and horrible they believe each other to be. They have a cold war for about 5 days. Then it\\u2019s over. No residue. Should they be worried? No, not at all. Other couples let it rip much more often.<\\/p><p>Living with another person, day in day out, for years and decades can be difficult. We both have different hopes, desires, or ideas of how we want to live life, how to have a relationship, or how children should be raised. There will always be differences between us. On top of this, we all change throughout life. I\\u2019m certainly not the same person I was at 25 or even 40. We all change because life changes us through our experiences. These changes in us are felt in our relationship too.<\\/p><p>To determine whether we should be worried about our conflict we can...<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"f02d679\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"e1b0294\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2f27b7f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"1. Attend to our feelings\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"d23ded9\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"880e560\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c794e4c\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>We should be worried when our\\u00a0<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/case-study\\/why-your-relationship-is-struggling-right-now\\/\\\"><strong>couple conflict<\\/strong><\\/a>\\u00a0makes us feel repeatedly bad about ourselves, our partner, and\\/or our relationship. This typically doesn\\u2019t happen after one fight, but after repeated episodes of conflict. I call these\\u00a0cycles of conflict.<\\/p><p>When fights are ongoing and intense, we need to pay attention to changes in how we\\u00a0feel\\u00a0in the relationship. Are we becoming more anxious? Are we finding our partner scary? (I\\u2019m not talking about domestic violence or abuse) Are we feeling depressed or flat about our lives? Are we less motivated or struggling to connect with others? Is it harder to face the day ahead? Is our sleep becoming disrupted?<\\/p><p>Feeling this doesn\\u2019t mean our relationship is wrong for us or that we need to get out. It means there are things we need to sort out as we are both being triggered by each other and it\\u2019s now hurting us both. Often partners try to resolve their conflict themselves. Many work extremely hard to understand why they\\u2019re fighting or what they\\u2019re fighting about, yet there is often another episode of conflict around the corner.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"3adc863\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"561e2e5\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8fd6705\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"2. Listen to our internal stories \\u2013 our ego\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e2e47db\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"09cc562\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8dbd096\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>When we first met our partner our internal stories, created by our ego, we\\u2019re more likely to be positive. However, the more we engage in intense and soul-destroying conflict with them our stories alter and become more negative.<\\/p><p>We need to listen to how our ego speaks to us about our lives together. Do we create stories of our partner being cruel or dangerous in any way? Do we perceive them as a threat? Do we tell ourselves that they are responsible for ruining the relationship we wanted to have? Are our stories filling up with resentment? How often do we tell ourselves or others these negative stories?<\\/p><p>When we view our partner in this way it alters how we relate to them \\u2013 as a threat. In fact, we\\u2019re biologically wired to fight with them or run away. This is our very primitive fight or flight response. We are biologically wired to keep away from people, animals or environments we perceive to be hurting us \\u2013 and this can include our partner.<\\/p><p>The way we treat or behave towards our partner will be altered by the stories we tell ourselves about them. If the stories are negative and how they are the reason we are unhappy, then we put this into the relationship \\u2013 even if we try to hide how we feel. We don\\u2019t normally want to be intimate with someone we experience as a threat, and this impacts our sexual relationship too.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"bd2a36c\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"7e05055\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"e965a45\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"3. Listen to the children \\u2013 they will let you know\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"0513a3b\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"345f984\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"564048c\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>If you have children, they\\u2019ll let you know if you should be worried about your conflict. You can even ask them how they feel about it. As a parent in conflict, answer these questions honestly.<\\/p><p>Do the children get involved in your conflict and try to mediate you both or do they become the judge and jury? Why do you believe they do this?<\\/p><p>Do the children scatter quickly when you fight? Do you know what they\\u2019re doing or how they feel when they scatter? Are they fearful of the conflict or that you may separate?<\\/p><p>Do the children throw themselves into the line of fire in the conflict? If yes, they are trying to move the conflict away from the two of you, deflecting the focus onto themselves. Despite them looking brave in this moment, they\\u2019re doing this because your fights feel less safe to them than staying out of it.<\\/p><p>Do they try to cheer you up or make you smile during or following conflict? If they do this, they are playing a role in your conflict as they feel a responsibility to make you feel better. This is role reversal as it\\u2019s the parent\\u2019s role to cheer the child up \\u2013 not the other way around.<\\/p><p>When children play a role in their parents\\u2019 conflict, they are losing freedom to be a normal child. Most importantly, the conflict hijacks their normal emotional and physical development. Children need their parents to find a way to stop fighting.<\\/p><p>If you have any questions or are unsure whether you should be worried about your couple conflict you can contact me directly on <a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/get-in-touch\\/\\\"><strong>here<\\/strong><\\/a>.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(18329,5197,'_elementor_css','a:7:{s:4:\"time\";i:1661509062;s:5:\"fonts\";a:0:{}s:5:\"icons\";a:0:{}s:20:\"dynamic_elements_ids\";a:0:{}s:6:\"status\";s:5:\"empty\";i:0;s:0:\"\";s:3:\"css\";s:0:\"\";}'),(18330,5198,'_wp_page_template','default'),(18331,5198,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(18332,5198,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(18333,5198,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(18334,5198,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(18335,5198,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(18336,5198,'_thumbnail_id','5195'),(18337,5198,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:4:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:4;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:4;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:7;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:7;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:7;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}s:7:\"heading\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:3;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:1;s:8:\"controls\";a:2:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:13:\"section_title\";a:2:{s:5:\"title\";i:3;s:11:\"header_size\";i:3;}}s:5:\"style\";a:1:{s:19:\"section_title_style\";a:1:{s:11:\"title_color\";i:3;}}}}}'),(18338,5198,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Many couples fight. You won\\u2019t see this on their Facebook or Instagram pics but I\\u2019m telling you they do. I would love to see partners posting pics of real life together, the good, the boring and the ugly. As a couples therapist, I see it all. Here\\u2019s the thing, it\\u2019s all normal. Even fights are a\\u00a0normal\\u00a0part of couple relationships. They just don\\u2019t usually feel normal.<\\/p><p>Even though fighting with our partner is normal, how do we know if our fighting is unhealthy? How do we know how much other people fight? How do we know how other couples experience conflict? Do other couples also find their conflict brutal and soul-destroying? So when should we be worried about our conflict?<\\/p><p>I was speaking to an old school friend at a reunion recently who said she and her husband have two huge fights a year. They yell it all out, sharing with each other just how inadequate, useless, annoying, and horrible they believe each other to be. They have a cold war for about 5 days. Then it\\u2019s over. No residue. Should they be worried? No, not at all. Other couples let it rip much more often.<\\/p><p>Living with another person, day in day out, for years and decades can be difficult. We both have different hopes, desires, or ideas of how we want to live life, how to have a relationship, or how children should be raised. There will always be differences between us. On top of this, we all change throughout life. I\\u2019m certainly not the same person I was at 25 or even 40. We all change because life changes us through our experiences. These changes in us are felt in our relationship too.<\\/p><p>To determine whether we should be worried about our conflict we can...<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"f02d679\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"e1b0294\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"2f27b7f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"1. Attend to our feelings\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"d23ded9\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"880e560\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"c794e4c\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>We should be worried when our\\u00a0<a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/case-study\\/why-your-relationship-is-struggling-right-now\\/\\\"><strong>couple conflict<\\/strong><\\/a>\\u00a0makes us feel repeatedly bad about ourselves, our partner, and\\/or our relationship. This typically doesn\\u2019t happen after one fight, but after repeated episodes of conflict. I call these\\u00a0cycles of conflict.<\\/p><p>When fights are ongoing and intense, we need to pay attention to changes in how we\\u00a0feel\\u00a0in the relationship. Are we becoming more anxious? Are we finding our partner scary? (I\\u2019m not talking about domestic violence or abuse) Are we feeling depressed or flat about our lives? Are we less motivated or struggling to connect with others? Is it harder to face the day ahead? Is our sleep becoming disrupted?<\\/p><p>Feeling this doesn\\u2019t mean our relationship is wrong for us or that we need to get out. It means there are things we need to sort out as we are both being triggered by each other and it\\u2019s now hurting us both. Often partners try to resolve their conflict themselves. Many work extremely hard to understand why they\\u2019re fighting or what they\\u2019re fighting about, yet there is often another episode of conflict around the corner.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"3adc863\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"561e2e5\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8fd6705\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"2. Listen to our internal stories \\u2013 our ego\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"e2e47db\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"09cc562\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"8dbd096\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>When we first met our partner our internal stories, created by our ego, we\\u2019re more likely to be positive. However, the more we engage in intense and soul-destroying conflict with them our stories alter and become more negative.<\\/p><p>We need to listen to how our ego speaks to us about our lives together. Do we create stories of our partner being cruel or dangerous in any way? Do we perceive them as a threat? Do we tell ourselves that they are responsible for ruining the relationship we wanted to have? Are our stories filling up with resentment? How often do we tell ourselves or others these negative stories?<\\/p><p>When we view our partner in this way it alters how we relate to them \\u2013 as a threat. In fact, we\\u2019re biologically wired to fight with them or run away. This is our very primitive fight or flight response. We are biologically wired to keep away from people, animals or environments we perceive to be hurting us \\u2013 and this can include our partner.<\\/p><p>The way we treat or behave towards our partner will be altered by the stories we tell ourselves about them. If the stories are negative and how they are the reason we are unhappy, then we put this into the relationship \\u2013 even if we try to hide how we feel. We don\\u2019t normally want to be intimate with someone we experience as a threat, and this impacts our sexual relationship too.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"bd2a36c\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"7e05055\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"e965a45\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"3. Listen to the children \\u2013 they will let you know\",\"header_size\":\"h3\",\"title_color\":\"#BA9664\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"0513a3b\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"345f984\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"564048c\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>If you have children, they\\u2019ll let you know if you should be worried about your conflict. You can even ask them how they feel about it. As a parent in conflict, answer these questions honestly.<\\/p><p>Do the children get involved in your conflict and try to mediate you both or do they become the judge and jury? Why do you believe they do this?<\\/p><p>Do the children scatter quickly when you fight? Do you know what they\\u2019re doing or how they feel when they scatter? Are they fearful of the conflict or that you may separate?<\\/p><p>Do the children throw themselves into the line of fire in the conflict? If yes, they are trying to move the conflict away from the two of you, deflecting the focus onto themselves. Despite them looking brave in this moment, they\\u2019re doing this because your fights feel less safe to them than staying out of it.<\\/p><p>Do they try to cheer you up or make you smile during or following conflict? If they do this, they are playing a role in your conflict as they feel a responsibility to make you feel better. This is role reversal as it\\u2019s the parent\\u2019s role to cheer the child up \\u2013 not the other way around.<\\/p><p>When children play a role in their parents\\u2019 conflict, they are losing freedom to be a normal child. Most importantly, the conflict hijacks their normal emotional and physical development. Children need their parents to find a way to stop fighting.<\\/p><p>If you have any questions or are unsure whether you should be worried about your couple conflict you can contact me directly on <a href=\\\"https:\\/\\/www.lissyabrahams.com\\/get-in-touch\\/\\\"><strong>here<\\/strong><\\/a>.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(18339,5198,'_elementor_css','a:7:{s:4:\"time\";i:1661509062;s:5:\"fonts\";a:0:{}s:5:\"icons\";a:0:{}s:20:\"dynamic_elements_ids\";a:0:{}s:6:\"status\";s:5:\"empty\";i:0;s:0:\"\";s:3:\"css\";s:0:\"\";}'),(18340,5199,'_wp_page_template','default'),(18341,5199,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(18342,5199,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(18343,5199,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(18344,5199,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(18345,5199,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(18346,5199,'_thumbnail_id','5195'),(18347,5199,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:4:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:4;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:4;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:7;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:7;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:7;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}s:7:\"heading\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:3;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:1;s:8:\"controls\";a:2:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:13:\"section_title\";a:2:{s:5:\"title\";i:3;s:11:\"header_size\";i:3;}}s:5:\"style\";a:1:{s:19:\"section_title_style\";a:1:{s:11:\"title_color\";i:3;}}}}}'),(18348,5199,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Why is it that some of us feel safe in our couple relationship and others don\\u2019t? Why do some of us experience our partner\\u2019s words or opinions as dangerous or threatening but someone else wouldn\\u2019t react like this? Why is it that some of us trust our partner completely, whereas some of us just can\\u2019t?<\\/p><p>Where do our experiences of feeling safe and having trust come from? Where do our experiences of not feeling safe and a lack of trust come from? For many of us the answer is found way back in time well before we met our partner \\u2013 in our early relationships with parents or caregivers.<\\/p><p>When we\\u2019re born, we don\\u2019t simply feel safe in the world. In fact, it\\u2019s quite the opposite. Our new environment outside the womb can feel truly hostile with alarming sounds, bright lights, changes in heat or cold, new textures, vibrations that thud, and now we have experiences of hunger, wet or dirty nappies, and fatigue. We have no way of understanding these experiences yet and can become easily startled or even feel threatened by them.<\\/p><p>As babies when we feel unsafe, we start to cry in an attempt to call our parents towards us. We instinctively know that they\\u2019re the ones who will protect us, so we start to feel a sense of protection when they respond to our cries. It\\u2019s only when our parents soothe us with actions, sounds, and words that we start to feel safe again. Through their nurturing us, meeting our basic needs and protecting us from danger, we develop a sense of safety. Our nervous system learns that it can be jangled or alarmed, and with the help of our soothing and protective parent, we can calm down again.<\\/p><p>When we\\u2019re young, we have hundreds or even thousands of experiences of feeling startled or threatened. We learn that our parents can soothe us and help us feel safe again. This is where trust and safety are developed \\u2013 in the critically important relationship with our parents or caregivers. Over time we learn to tolerate upsetting and distressing experiences ourselves.<\\/p><p>I wish to point out that no parent is perfect. There will be times that parents frighten or startle their child. Their voice may be too loud or their facial expression too angry. They may drink too much. The parents may fight too much. There will always be ruptures or difficulties in any parent-child relationship but what\\u2019s vital to the child\\u2019s sense of safety and trust is how they\\u2019re repaired. This is done through apologising to the child for any words or behaviour that\\u2019s out of line. This is vital if parents want their child to feel safe with them.<\\/p><p>Without these nurturing and soothing experiences with parents or caregivers we don\\u2019t develop a sense of safety and trust in relationships. Our cries for help remain unanswered. What is the child supposed to do next? They don\\u2019t know how to soothe themselves yet. They escalate their attempts to call their parents. They start to scream.<\\/p><p>We all can experience a screaming baby as unpleasant to our ears. But let\\u2019s think about it from the baby\\u2019s perspective. Babies can\\u2019t move around, find food, quench their thirst, or change their nappy themselves. They are completely dependent on parents or caregivers for everything. They can\\u2019t make sense of noises or changes in vocal tones or parental conflict. They startle or feel fear quite easily.<\\/p><p>Imagine a baby being frightened by a loud bang. They start to cry to call their parents to help them. If they are not responded to by the parents their original fear becomes compounded by the sense of now being completely alone. Their next call for help is a scream.<\\/p><p>Imagine as an adult the level of distress we would have to be in to scream like that for help. It would be terrifying, devastating and exhausting for adults to be in that state. It\\u2019s the same for a baby. Over many repeated experiences like this with parents who can\\u2019t respond to their child\\u2019s fears and basic needs, the baby doesn\\u2019t develop a sense of safety and trust. They learn something different. They learn that no-one\\u2019s coming to help them. They learn that no-one\\u2019s really there for them. They learn that they should shut up and stop crying, and not show their feelings to anyone.<\\/p><p>We either develop a sense of trust and safety with our parents or caregivers, or we don\\u2019t. And if we don\\u2019t, we grow up and become adults who take all of this into our couple relationship. Some of this we may be aware of, yet so much will be without our awareness. We can\\u2019t remember it as we were so young, but it\\u2019s unconsciously encoded in us.<\\/p><p>Typically, we won\\u2019t discuss how we feel with our partner, nor do we want to messy ourselves with our partner\\u2019s feelings. We want them to turn them off too. 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Being somewhere else this Christmas break wasn\\u2019t feeling as appealing anymore.<\\/p><p>We received the news on Boxing Day that my younger daughter was a close Covid contact. She went into a week\\u2019s isolation to see if symptoms developed. I laid low at that time, as I knew that if she was infected then chances were that I\\u2019d also be. She was fine. That was my first week of holidays.<\\/p><p>As we move through the first days of 2022 everything was closing down even more. So many of us were not going to restaurants, cafes, cinemas, family picnics, or being with friends for fear of exposure to Omicron. Even though we\\u2019re so used to this as we\\u2019ve been here before, we\\u2019re still disappointed. It\\u2019s feeling a lot like lockdown.<\\/p><p>I\\u2019d also been looking forward to going to a health retreat by myself for 5 days. I first booked this in June 2021, then as Delta swept in I moved it to October, and then rebooked for January. I\\u2019d worked hard this year as a therapist supporting my clients through variants, restrictions, and lockdowns. I\\u2019d worked hard on my online business helping partners reduce couple conflict and improve their communication, and I\\u2019d also worked tirelessly to write a book for my publisher in just 3 months. I was ready to kickstart 2022 with a healthy-tude and loads of physical activity.<\\/p><p>I was ready to read books by a pool, attend different classes in the retreat\\u2019s gym, do stretching and yoga classes, and to have time to myself. Secretly I was beyond excited at the thought of having 3 healthy meals per day prepared\\u00a0for me. This is because I\\u2019ve been completely over cooking for 8 months. Forget entertaining at home ever again \\u2013 I\\u2019m over that too. I\\u2019ve been doing the entertaining gig for years, even decades, and it\\u2019s over \\u2013 I\\u2019m cooked. 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I\\u2019m disappointed as it\\u2019s nothing like I thought it would be.<\\/p><p>But why should it be what I want it to be? The last 2 years has taught us not to become too attached to what we want and how we believe life should be.<\\/p><p>Prior to the pandemic, we were so fortunate that we could count on many things happening that we put in motion. We were not even aware how fortunate we were to be able to plan a few days away and count on getting there. We didn\\u2019t blink when we booked a restaurant knowing it wouldn\\u2019t need to be cancelled. We had no idea we couldn\\u2019t hug a parent who lives only one suburb away. We could rely on life being more or less what we wanted it to be.<\\/p><p>So, it\\u2019s fine to be disappointed. You are and so am I. We\\u2019re all in a strange place where we either fear becoming sick, are already sick, or are waiting to see if we are sick. And we\\u2019re all sick of Covid. Yet we need to remember that we\\u2019re still in a pandemic. 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We can\\u2019t remember it as we were so young, but it\\u2019s unconsciously encoded in us.<\\/p><p>Typically, we won\\u2019t discuss how we feel with our partner, nor do we want to messy ourselves with our partner\\u2019s feelings. We want them to turn them off too. 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Why do some of us experience our partner\\u2019s words or opinions as dangerous or threatening but someone else wouldn\\u2019t react like this? Why is it that some of us trust our partner completely, whereas some of us just can\\u2019t?<\\/p><p>Where do our experiences of feeling safe and having trust come from? Where do our experiences of not feeling safe and a lack of trust come from? For many of us the answer is found way back in time well before we met our partner \\u2013 in our early relationships with parents or caregivers.<\\/p><p>When we\\u2019re born, we don\\u2019t simply feel safe in the world. In fact, it\\u2019s quite the opposite. Our new environment outside the womb can feel truly hostile with alarming sounds, bright lights, changes in heat or cold, new textures, vibrations that thud, and now we have experiences of hunger, wet or dirty nappies, and fatigue. We have no way of understanding these experiences yet and can become easily startled or even feel threatened by them.<\\/p><p>As babies when we feel unsafe, we start to cry in an attempt to call our parents towards us. We instinctively know that they\\u2019re the ones who will protect us, so we start to feel a sense of protection when they respond to our cries. It\\u2019s only when our parents soothe us with actions, sounds, and words that we start to feel safe again. Through their nurturing us, meeting our basic needs and protecting us from danger, we develop a sense of safety. Our nervous system learns that it can be jangled or alarmed, and with the help of our soothing and protective parent, we can calm down again.<\\/p><p>When we\\u2019re young, we have hundreds or even thousands of experiences of feeling startled or threatened. We learn that our parents can soothe us and help us feel safe again. This is where trust and safety are developed \\u2013 in the critically important relationship with our parents or caregivers. Over time we learn to tolerate upsetting and distressing experiences ourselves.<\\/p><p>I wish to point out that no parent is perfect. There will be times that parents frighten or startle their child. Their voice may be too loud or their facial expression too angry. They may drink too much. The parents may fight too much. There will always be ruptures or difficulties in any parent-child relationship but what\\u2019s vital to the child\\u2019s sense of safety and trust is how they\\u2019re repaired. This is done through apologising to the child for any words or behaviour that\\u2019s out of line. This is vital if parents want their child to feel safe with them.<\\/p><p>Without these nurturing and soothing experiences with parents or caregivers we don\\u2019t develop a sense of safety and trust in relationships. Our cries for help remain unanswered. What is the child supposed to do next? They don\\u2019t know how to soothe themselves yet. They escalate their attempts to call their parents. They start to scream.<\\/p><p>We all can experience a screaming baby as unpleasant to our ears. But let\\u2019s think about it from the baby\\u2019s perspective. Babies can\\u2019t move around, find food, quench their thirst, or change their nappy themselves. They are completely dependent on parents or caregivers for everything. They can\\u2019t make sense of noises or changes in vocal tones or parental conflict. They startle or feel fear quite easily.<\\/p><p>Imagine a baby being frightened by a loud bang. They start to cry to call their parents to help them. If they are not responded to by the parents their original fear becomes compounded by the sense of now being completely alone. Their next call for help is a scream.<\\/p><p>Imagine as an adult the level of distress we would have to be in to scream like that for help. It would be terrifying, devastating and exhausting for adults to be in that state. It\\u2019s the same for a baby. Over many repeated experiences like this with parents who can\\u2019t respond to their child\\u2019s fears and basic needs, the baby doesn\\u2019t develop a sense of safety and trust. They learn something different. They learn that no-one\\u2019s coming to help them. They learn that no-one\\u2019s really there for them. They learn that they should shut up and stop crying, and not show their feelings to anyone.<\\/p><p>We either develop a sense of trust and safety with our parents or caregivers, or we don\\u2019t. And if we don\\u2019t, we grow up and become adults who take all of this into our couple relationship. Some of this we may be aware of, yet so much will be without our awareness. We can\\u2019t remember it as we were so young, but it\\u2019s unconsciously encoded in us.<\\/p><p>Typically, we won\\u2019t discuss how we feel with our partner, nor do we want to messy ourselves with our partner\\u2019s feelings. We want them to turn them off too. Unfortunately, they become upset with us as they will take it personally when we dismiss their feelings and avoid conversations within the emotional realm.<\\/p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (1492617761)<\\/em><\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(18415,5204,'_elementor_css','a:7:{s:4:\"time\";i:1661509223;s:5:\"fonts\";a:0:{}s:5:\"icons\";a:0:{}s:20:\"dynamic_elements_ids\";a:0:{}s:6:\"status\";s:5:\"empty\";i:0;s:0:\"\";s:3:\"css\";s:0:\"\";}'),(18416,5205,'_wp_page_template','default'),(18417,5205,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(18418,5205,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(18419,5205,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(18420,5205,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(18421,5205,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(18422,5205,'_thumbnail_id','5201'),(18423,5205,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:3:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:1;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:1;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}}'),(18424,5205,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>At the end of 2021 most of us were desperate for the Christmas break to come and offer some reprieve from the year we\\u2019d just had. Especially those of us in NSW and Victoria, we wanted a change of scenery or to have freedom to be in the world doing things we previously enjoyed.<\\/p><p>\\u00a0<\\/p><p>There had been so much anxiety, overwhelm, and depression throughout the past 2 years dealing with the pandemic and the changes we needed to make. Many of us kept working straight through until the Christmas break. What was the point of taking time off work any earlier to sit in lockdown at home?<\\/p><p>From my end I was looking forward to spending time with my family and friends. We\\u2019d all missed the face-to-face contact with each other. Then as Omicron ripped across the state our gatherings, birthdays and Christmas plans were pared down or cancelled. Friends who were on holidays became sick. Some on their return were holed up with Covid. Being somewhere else this Christmas break wasn\\u2019t feeling as appealing anymore.<\\/p><p>We received the news on Boxing Day that my younger daughter was a close Covid contact. She went into a week\\u2019s isolation to see if symptoms developed. I laid low at that time, as I knew that if she was infected then chances were that I\\u2019d also be. She was fine. That was my first week of holidays.<\\/p><p>As we move through the first days of 2022 everything was closing down even more. So many of us were not going to restaurants, cafes, cinemas, family picnics, or being with friends for fear of exposure to Omicron. Even though we\\u2019re so used to this as we\\u2019ve been here before, we\\u2019re still disappointed. It\\u2019s feeling a lot like lockdown.<\\/p><p>I\\u2019d also been looking forward to going to a health retreat by myself for 5 days. I first booked this in June 2021, then as Delta swept in I moved it to October, and then rebooked for January. I\\u2019d worked hard this year as a therapist supporting my clients through variants, restrictions, and lockdowns. I\\u2019d worked hard on my online business helping partners reduce couple conflict and improve their communication, and I\\u2019d also worked tirelessly to write a book for my publisher in just 3 months. I was ready to kickstart 2022 with a healthy-tude and loads of physical activity.<\\/p><p>I was ready to read books by a pool, attend different classes in the retreat\\u2019s gym, do stretching and yoga classes, and to have time to myself. Secretly I was beyond excited at the thought of having 3 healthy meals per day prepared\\u00a0for me. This is because I\\u2019ve been completely over cooking for 8 months. Forget entertaining at home ever again \\u2013 I\\u2019m over that too. I\\u2019ve been doing the entertaining gig for years, even decades, and it\\u2019s over \\u2013 I\\u2019m cooked. So yes, I was disappointed to cancel this due to Omicron ripping around our state.<\\/p><p>Then on 3rd\\u00a0January my older daughter called to tell me she was positive to Covid. I\\u2019d enjoyed being with her the two days prior to this. Despite not officially meeting the criteria of a close contact we\\u2019d been together in my home (she lives out), in my car, playing with our dogs, and we\\u2019d greeted each other with hugs and kisses. Fortunately, she hasn\\u2019t been too unwell as she isolates on her own. As a parent it\\u2019s so hard to drop food and pharmacy meds off at the door and walk away.<\\/p><p>So many of us now have Covid. Young and old, it\\u2019s not discriminating. Everyday I\\u2019m hearing of more people I know with it. I\\u2019m still laying pretty low and doing RAT tests in case I have it too. I don\\u2019t want anyone becoming sick from me. This is my second week of holidays. I\\u2019m disappointed as it\\u2019s nothing like I thought it would be.<\\/p><p>But why should it be what I want it to be? The last 2 years has taught us not to become too attached to what we want and how we believe life should be.<\\/p><p>Prior to the pandemic, we were so fortunate that we could count on many things happening that we put in motion. We were not even aware how fortunate we were to be able to plan a few days away and count on getting there. We didn\\u2019t blink when we booked a restaurant knowing it wouldn\\u2019t need to be cancelled. We had no idea we couldn\\u2019t hug a parent who lives only one suburb away. We could rely on life being more or less what we wanted it to be.<\\/p><p>So, it\\u2019s fine to be disappointed. You are and so am I. We\\u2019re all in a strange place where we either fear becoming sick, are already sick, or are waiting to see if we are sick. And we\\u2019re all sick of Covid. Yet we need to remember that we\\u2019re still in a pandemic. There will likely be more disappointment for all of us to come. However, what it does mean is that we will cherish the times ahead when we are able to hang out with our friends and families without the C-word, go on a trip as planned, dance in a club, or be in a restaurant with a free mind again. We will appreciate our everyday in a way we never really did before, and this will feel so joyful.<\\/p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (1698309571)<\\/em><\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(18425,5205,'_elementor_css','a:7:{s:4:\"time\";i:1661509223;s:5:\"fonts\";a:0:{}s:5:\"icons\";a:0:{}s:20:\"dynamic_elements_ids\";a:0:{}s:6:\"status\";s:5:\"empty\";i:0;s:0:\"\";s:3:\"css\";s:0:\"\";}'),(18426,5206,'_edit_last','2'),(18427,5206,'_edit_lock','1661509845:2'),(18428,5206,'_wp_page_template','default'),(18429,5206,'featured-video-url',''),(18430,5206,'featured-quote-text',''),(18431,5206,'featured-quote-cite',''),(18432,5206,'featured-audio-url',''),(18433,5206,'featured-link-url',''),(18434,5206,'featured-link-text',''),(18435,5206,'featured-link-short',''),(18436,5206,'post_content_padding','a:3:{s:5:\"units\";s:2:\"px\";s:11:\"padding-top\";s:0:\"\";s:14:\"padding-bottom\";s:0:\"\";}'),(18437,5206,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(18438,5206,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(18439,5206,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(18440,5206,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(18441,5206,'_oembed_2bb6871532de21756d5d7ddb684aaeb8','<iframe title=\"245 - 3 Secrets to Beat Performance Anxiety by Savvy Psychologist\" width=\"640\" height=\"400\" scrolling=\"no\" frameborder=\"no\" src=\"https://w.soundcloud.com/player/?visual=true&url=https%3A%2F%2Fapi.soundcloud.com%2Ftracks%2F621931155&show_artwork=true&maxheight=960&maxwidth=640\"></iframe>'),(18442,5206,'_oembed_time_2bb6871532de21756d5d7ddb684aaeb8','1658107090'),(18443,5206,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(18444,5206,'_wp_old_date','2022-07-18'),(18445,5206,'_thumbnail_id','5207'),(18446,5206,'_wp_old_date','2022-08-07'),(18448,5206,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Our ego \\u2013 the voice in our head that tells stories from first thing in the morning until late at night \\u2013 is constantly attempting to create meaning to protect our identity and sense of self. We hear a moment-to-moment commentary about what\\u2019s happening inside of ourselves mentally and physically, and outside of ourselves with other people, situations, and environments. Our ego creates this.<\\/p><p>Whenever our ego is operating, we are not dealing with facts. It\\u2019s always narrating our experience from our own subjective perspective. This is why we all have such different views of ourselves, situations, and other people.<\\/p><p>As our ego is concerned with preserving our identity, when we feel it is being threatened, we have a range of tools to protect ourselves. These are called<strong>\\u00a0ego defence mechanisms<\\/strong>. They emerge when we emotionally wobble as we haven\\u2019t yet learned to process or tolerate difficult experiences in another way. We use defence mechanisms without even being aware, as they are unconscious. There are quite a few, some of these include denial, projection, splitting, repression, rationalisation, and regression.<\\/p><p>I want to share the common defence mechanism <strong>regression<\\/strong>, so that you can be on the look out for it when you\\u2019re relating to yourself via your ego, your partner or anyone else.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"27896bc\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"18321d9\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"be05bfe\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"What is Regression?\",\"header_size\":\"h3\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"606c939\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"4b716c7\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"537da6f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Regression is an unconscious ego defence mechanism used when we revert to the emotions or behaviour of an\\u00a0earlier developmental stage. What we\\u2019re doing is \\u2018escaping\\u2019 to the earlier stage as the situation we are in feels too much for us to tolerate. We\\u2019re avoiding the reality of the situation as we may feel overwhelmed, anxious, or upset.<\\/p><p>We can easily recognise regression when young children regress to earlier developmental stages. Sometimes this can feel quite alarming for parents. A common regressed behaviour is when a child becomes aware that their parents are going to have another child. They may show their excitement offering great relief to parents, yet that doesn\\u2019t mean it\\u2019s plain sailing for them emotionally.<\\/p><p>The child is often too young to verbalise how they may also feel upset or anxious about the changes that they never asked for, or they may fear they are no longer the special child to their parents, or not good enough to remain the last or an only child.<\\/p><p>These feelings may be seen through their regressed state where they revert to wetting the bed or having accidents when they\\u2019ve been nappy trained or insisting on being spoon-fed like a baby. Regressed behaviour is completely normal. If you see regressed behaviours in your child, it\\u2019s a clue that they are struggling. Use it as an opportunity to talk with your child \\u2013 even if they\\u2019re very young \\u2013 about how they feel about their sibling\\u2019s arrival and what they may worry about.<\\/p><p>In adults, regression is used when our ego doesn\\u2019t have the emotional maturity to deal with our feelings regarding ourselves, others, or events. As you will see in the list below, when we regress, we have lost our ability to relate from an adult framework and can quickly become rather childlike.<\\/p><p>Regressed behaviours include...<\\/p><p style=\\\"padding-left: 40px;\\\">- Throwing objects<br \\/>- Tantrums<br \\/>- Shouting<br \\/>- Hitting<br \\/>- Crying<br \\/>- Hugging or sleeping with soft toys<br \\/>- Using a baby voice<br \\/>- Whining or complaining<br \\/>- Sulking<br \\/>- Name calling<br \\/>- Curling up in the foetal position<br \\/>- Stonewalling\\/Refusing to speak<br \\/>- Helplessness<\\/p><p>Be honest with yourself, do you use any of these? We need to ask ourselves, how do we try to avoid and escape reality? It\\u2019s important to become aware of our use of regression, as identifying our behaviours is the first step to growing up emotionally and developing the capacity to tolerate upsetting or overwhelming feelings.<\\/p><p>It\\u2019s not our fault we can\\u2019t face reality and use regression. Remember it\\u2019s all unconscious. We learnt these behaviours when we were young, and for many of us we didn\\u2019t outgrow them. They\\u2019ve been pre-programmed so when we feel overwhelmed or that our ego (our identity or sense of self) feels challenged we don\\u2019t know what else to do so we revert to being young again.<\\/p><p>As adults when we regress, we may look for comfort in a stuffed animal like we did when we were a child or even eat comfort food from childhood. When we don\\u2019t get our own way, we may complain. When we are hurt, which masquerades as anger, we may name call or throw an object. 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No use without permission.\";s:12:\"focal_length\";s:1:\"0\";s:3:\"iso\";s:1:\"0\";s:13:\"shutter_speed\";s:1:\"0\";s:5:\"title\";s:63:\"Profile,Side,View,Portrait,Of,Two,Nice,Attractive,Candid,People\";s:11:\"orientation\";s:1:\"1\";s:8:\"keywords\";a:1:{i:0;s:64:\"couple,friendship,hands,decide,ego,rivalry,beautiful,trendy,seri\";}}}'),(18460,5208,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(18461,5208,'_wp_page_template','default'),(18462,5208,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(18463,5208,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(18464,5208,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(18465,5208,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(18466,5208,'_thumbnail_id','5207'),(18467,5208,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:3:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:1;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:1;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}}'),(18468,5208,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>At the end of 2021 most of us were desperate for the Christmas break to come and offer some reprieve from the year we\\u2019d just had. Especially those of us in NSW and Victoria, we wanted a change of scenery or to have freedom to be in the world doing things we previously enjoyed.<\\/p><p>\\u00a0<\\/p><p>There had been so much anxiety, overwhelm, and depression throughout the past 2 years dealing with the pandemic and the changes we needed to make. Many of us kept working straight through until the Christmas break. What was the point of taking time off work any earlier to sit in lockdown at home?<\\/p><p>From my end I was looking forward to spending time with my family and friends. We\\u2019d all missed the face-to-face contact with each other. Then as Omicron ripped across the state our gatherings, birthdays and Christmas plans were pared down or cancelled. Friends who were on holidays became sick. Some on their return were holed up with Covid. Being somewhere else this Christmas break wasn\\u2019t feeling as appealing anymore.<\\/p><p>We received the news on Boxing Day that my younger daughter was a close Covid contact. She went into a week\\u2019s isolation to see if symptoms developed. I laid low at that time, as I knew that if she was infected then chances were that I\\u2019d also be. She was fine. That was my first week of holidays.<\\/p><p>As we move through the first days of 2022 everything was closing down even more. So many of us were not going to restaurants, cafes, cinemas, family picnics, or being with friends for fear of exposure to Omicron. Even though we\\u2019re so used to this as we\\u2019ve been here before, we\\u2019re still disappointed. It\\u2019s feeling a lot like lockdown.<\\/p><p>I\\u2019d also been looking forward to going to a health retreat by myself for 5 days. I first booked this in June 2021, then as Delta swept in I moved it to October, and then rebooked for January. I\\u2019d worked hard this year as a therapist supporting my clients through variants, restrictions, and lockdowns. I\\u2019d worked hard on my online business helping partners reduce couple conflict and improve their communication, and I\\u2019d also worked tirelessly to write a book for my publisher in just 3 months. I was ready to kickstart 2022 with a healthy-tude and loads of physical activity.<\\/p><p>I was ready to read books by a pool, attend different classes in the retreat\\u2019s gym, do stretching and yoga classes, and to have time to myself. Secretly I was beyond excited at the thought of having 3 healthy meals per day prepared\\u00a0for me. This is because I\\u2019ve been completely over cooking for 8 months. Forget entertaining at home ever again \\u2013 I\\u2019m over that too. I\\u2019ve been doing the entertaining gig for years, even decades, and it\\u2019s over \\u2013 I\\u2019m cooked. So yes, I was disappointed to cancel this due to Omicron ripping around our state.<\\/p><p>Then on 3rd\\u00a0January my older daughter called to tell me she was positive to Covid. I\\u2019d enjoyed being with her the two days prior to this. Despite not officially meeting the criteria of a close contact we\\u2019d been together in my home (she lives out), in my car, playing with our dogs, and we\\u2019d greeted each other with hugs and kisses. Fortunately, she hasn\\u2019t been too unwell as she isolates on her own. As a parent it\\u2019s so hard to drop food and pharmacy meds off at the door and walk away.<\\/p><p>So many of us now have Covid. Young and old, it\\u2019s not discriminating. Everyday I\\u2019m hearing of more people I know with it. I\\u2019m still laying pretty low and doing RAT tests in case I have it too. I don\\u2019t want anyone becoming sick from me. This is my second week of holidays. I\\u2019m disappointed as it\\u2019s nothing like I thought it would be.<\\/p><p>But why should it be what I want it to be? The last 2 years has taught us not to become too attached to what we want and how we believe life should be.<\\/p><p>Prior to the pandemic, we were so fortunate that we could count on many things happening that we put in motion. We were not even aware how fortunate we were to be able to plan a few days away and count on getting there. We didn\\u2019t blink when we booked a restaurant knowing it wouldn\\u2019t need to be cancelled. We had no idea we couldn\\u2019t hug a parent who lives only one suburb away. We could rely on life being more or less what we wanted it to be.<\\/p><p>So, it\\u2019s fine to be disappointed. You are and so am I. We\\u2019re all in a strange place where we either fear becoming sick, are already sick, or are waiting to see if we are sick. And we\\u2019re all sick of Covid. Yet we need to remember that we\\u2019re still in a pandemic. There will likely be more disappointment for all of us to come. However, what it does mean is that we will cherish the times ahead when we are able to hang out with our friends and families without the C-word, go on a trip as planned, dance in a club, or be in a restaurant with a free mind again. We will appreciate our everyday in a way we never really did before, and this will feel so joyful.<\\/p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (1698309571)<\\/em><\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(18469,5208,'_elementor_css','a:7:{s:4:\"time\";i:1661509432;s:5:\"fonts\";a:0:{}s:5:\"icons\";a:0:{}s:20:\"dynamic_elements_ids\";a:0:{}s:6:\"status\";s:5:\"empty\";i:0;s:0:\"\";s:3:\"css\";s:0:\"\";}'),(18472,5209,'_wp_page_template','default'),(18473,5209,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(18474,5209,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(18475,5209,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(18476,5209,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(18477,5209,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(18478,5209,'_thumbnail_id','5207'),(18479,5209,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:3:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:1;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:1;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}}'),(18480,5209,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>At the end of 2021 most of us were desperate for the Christmas break to come and offer some reprieve from the year we\\u2019d just had. Especially those of us in NSW and Victoria, we wanted a change of scenery or to have freedom to be in the world doing things we previously enjoyed.<\\/p><p>\\u00a0<\\/p><p>There had been so much anxiety, overwhelm, and depression throughout the past 2 years dealing with the pandemic and the changes we needed to make. Many of us kept working straight through until the Christmas break. What was the point of taking time off work any earlier to sit in lockdown at home?<\\/p><p>From my end I was looking forward to spending time with my family and friends. We\\u2019d all missed the face-to-face contact with each other. Then as Omicron ripped across the state our gatherings, birthdays and Christmas plans were pared down or cancelled. Friends who were on holidays became sick. Some on their return were holed up with Covid. Being somewhere else this Christmas break wasn\\u2019t feeling as appealing anymore.<\\/p><p>We received the news on Boxing Day that my younger daughter was a close Covid contact. She went into a week\\u2019s isolation to see if symptoms developed. I laid low at that time, as I knew that if she was infected then chances were that I\\u2019d also be. She was fine. That was my first week of holidays.<\\/p><p>As we move through the first days of 2022 everything was closing down even more. So many of us were not going to restaurants, cafes, cinemas, family picnics, or being with friends for fear of exposure to Omicron. Even though we\\u2019re so used to this as we\\u2019ve been here before, we\\u2019re still disappointed. It\\u2019s feeling a lot like lockdown.<\\/p><p>I\\u2019d also been looking forward to going to a health retreat by myself for 5 days. I first booked this in June 2021, then as Delta swept in I moved it to October, and then rebooked for January. I\\u2019d worked hard this year as a therapist supporting my clients through variants, restrictions, and lockdowns. I\\u2019d worked hard on my online business helping partners reduce couple conflict and improve their communication, and I\\u2019d also worked tirelessly to write a book for my publisher in just 3 months. I was ready to kickstart 2022 with a healthy-tude and loads of physical activity.<\\/p><p>I was ready to read books by a pool, attend different classes in the retreat\\u2019s gym, do stretching and yoga classes, and to have time to myself. Secretly I was beyond excited at the thought of having 3 healthy meals per day prepared\\u00a0for me. This is because I\\u2019ve been completely over cooking for 8 months. Forget entertaining at home ever again \\u2013 I\\u2019m over that too. I\\u2019ve been doing the entertaining gig for years, even decades, and it\\u2019s over \\u2013 I\\u2019m cooked. So yes, I was disappointed to cancel this due to Omicron ripping around our state.<\\/p><p>Then on 3rd\\u00a0January my older daughter called to tell me she was positive to Covid. I\\u2019d enjoyed being with her the two days prior to this. Despite not officially meeting the criteria of a close contact we\\u2019d been together in my home (she lives out), in my car, playing with our dogs, and we\\u2019d greeted each other with hugs and kisses. Fortunately, she hasn\\u2019t been too unwell as she isolates on her own. As a parent it\\u2019s so hard to drop food and pharmacy meds off at the door and walk away.<\\/p><p>So many of us now have Covid. Young and old, it\\u2019s not discriminating. Everyday I\\u2019m hearing of more people I know with it. I\\u2019m still laying pretty low and doing RAT tests in case I have it too. I don\\u2019t want anyone becoming sick from me. This is my second week of holidays. I\\u2019m disappointed as it\\u2019s nothing like I thought it would be.<\\/p><p>But why should it be what I want it to be? The last 2 years has taught us not to become too attached to what we want and how we believe life should be.<\\/p><p>Prior to the pandemic, we were so fortunate that we could count on many things happening that we put in motion. We were not even aware how fortunate we were to be able to plan a few days away and count on getting there. We didn\\u2019t blink when we booked a restaurant knowing it wouldn\\u2019t need to be cancelled. We had no idea we couldn\\u2019t hug a parent who lives only one suburb away. We could rely on life being more or less what we wanted it to be.<\\/p><p>So, it\\u2019s fine to be disappointed. You are and so am I. We\\u2019re all in a strange place where we either fear becoming sick, are already sick, or are waiting to see if we are sick. And we\\u2019re all sick of Covid. Yet we need to remember that we\\u2019re still in a pandemic. There will likely be more disappointment for all of us to come. However, what it does mean is that we will cherish the times ahead when we are able to hang out with our friends and families without the C-word, go on a trip as planned, dance in a club, or be in a restaurant with a free mind again. We will appreciate our everyday in a way we never really did before, and this will feel so joyful.<\\/p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (1698309571)<\\/em><\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(18481,5209,'_elementor_css','a:7:{s:4:\"time\";i:1661509432;s:5:\"fonts\";a:0:{}s:5:\"icons\";a:0:{}s:20:\"dynamic_elements_ids\";a:0:{}s:6:\"status\";s:5:\"empty\";i:0;s:0:\"\";s:3:\"css\";s:0:\"\";}'),(18482,5210,'_wp_page_template','default'),(18483,5210,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(18484,5210,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(18485,5210,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(18486,5210,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(18487,5210,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(18488,5210,'_thumbnail_id','5207'),(18489,5210,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:3:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:1;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:1;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}}'),(18490,5210,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>At the end of 2021 most of us were desperate for the Christmas break to come and offer some reprieve from the year we\\u2019d just had. Especially those of us in NSW and Victoria, we wanted a change of scenery or to have freedom to be in the world doing things we previously enjoyed.<\\/p><p>\\u00a0<\\/p><p>There had been so much anxiety, overwhelm, and depression throughout the past 2 years dealing with the pandemic and the changes we needed to make. Many of us kept working straight through until the Christmas break. What was the point of taking time off work any earlier to sit in lockdown at home?<\\/p><p>From my end I was looking forward to spending time with my family and friends. We\\u2019d all missed the face-to-face contact with each other. Then as Omicron ripped across the state our gatherings, birthdays and Christmas plans were pared down or cancelled. Friends who were on holidays became sick. Some on their return were holed up with Covid. Being somewhere else this Christmas break wasn\\u2019t feeling as appealing anymore.<\\/p><p>We received the news on Boxing Day that my younger daughter was a close Covid contact. She went into a week\\u2019s isolation to see if symptoms developed. I laid low at that time, as I knew that if she was infected then chances were that I\\u2019d also be. She was fine. That was my first week of holidays.<\\/p><p>As we move through the first days of 2022 everything was closing down even more. So many of us were not going to restaurants, cafes, cinemas, family picnics, or being with friends for fear of exposure to Omicron. Even though we\\u2019re so used to this as we\\u2019ve been here before, we\\u2019re still disappointed. It\\u2019s feeling a lot like lockdown.<\\/p><p>I\\u2019d also been looking forward to going to a health retreat by myself for 5 days. I first booked this in June 2021, then as Delta swept in I moved it to October, and then rebooked for January. I\\u2019d worked hard this year as a therapist supporting my clients through variants, restrictions, and lockdowns. I\\u2019d worked hard on my online business helping partners reduce couple conflict and improve their communication, and I\\u2019d also worked tirelessly to write a book for my publisher in just 3 months. I was ready to kickstart 2022 with a healthy-tude and loads of physical activity.<\\/p><p>I was ready to read books by a pool, attend different classes in the retreat\\u2019s gym, do stretching and yoga classes, and to have time to myself. Secretly I was beyond excited at the thought of having 3 healthy meals per day prepared\\u00a0for me. This is because I\\u2019ve been completely over cooking for 8 months. Forget entertaining at home ever again \\u2013 I\\u2019m over that too. I\\u2019ve been doing the entertaining gig for years, even decades, and it\\u2019s over \\u2013 I\\u2019m cooked. So yes, I was disappointed to cancel this due to Omicron ripping around our state.<\\/p><p>Then on 3rd\\u00a0January my older daughter called to tell me she was positive to Covid. I\\u2019d enjoyed being with her the two days prior to this. Despite not officially meeting the criteria of a close contact we\\u2019d been together in my home (she lives out), in my car, playing with our dogs, and we\\u2019d greeted each other with hugs and kisses. Fortunately, she hasn\\u2019t been too unwell as she isolates on her own. As a parent it\\u2019s so hard to drop food and pharmacy meds off at the door and walk away.<\\/p><p>So many of us now have Covid. Young and old, it\\u2019s not discriminating. Everyday I\\u2019m hearing of more people I know with it. I\\u2019m still laying pretty low and doing RAT tests in case I have it too. I don\\u2019t want anyone becoming sick from me. This is my second week of holidays. I\\u2019m disappointed as it\\u2019s nothing like I thought it would be.<\\/p><p>But why should it be what I want it to be? The last 2 years has taught us not to become too attached to what we want and how we believe life should be.<\\/p><p>Prior to the pandemic, we were so fortunate that we could count on many things happening that we put in motion. We were not even aware how fortunate we were to be able to plan a few days away and count on getting there. We didn\\u2019t blink when we booked a restaurant knowing it wouldn\\u2019t need to be cancelled. We had no idea we couldn\\u2019t hug a parent who lives only one suburb away. We could rely on life being more or less what we wanted it to be.<\\/p><p>So, it\\u2019s fine to be disappointed. You are and so am I. We\\u2019re all in a strange place where we either fear becoming sick, are already sick, or are waiting to see if we are sick. And we\\u2019re all sick of Covid. Yet we need to remember that we\\u2019re still in a pandemic. There will likely be more disappointment for all of us to come. However, what it does mean is that we will cherish the times ahead when we are able to hang out with our friends and families without the C-word, go on a trip as planned, dance in a club, or be in a restaurant with a free mind again. We will appreciate our everyday in a way we never really did before, and this will feel so joyful.<\\/p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (1698309571)<\\/em><\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(18491,5210,'_elementor_css','a:7:{s:4:\"time\";i:1661509432;s:5:\"fonts\";a:0:{}s:5:\"icons\";a:0:{}s:20:\"dynamic_elements_ids\";a:0:{}s:6:\"status\";s:5:\"empty\";i:0;s:0:\"\";s:3:\"css\";s:0:\"\";}'),(18492,5211,'_wp_page_template','default'),(18493,5211,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(18494,5211,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(18495,5211,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(18496,5211,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(18497,5211,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(18498,5211,'_thumbnail_id','5207'),(18499,5211,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:3:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:1;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:1;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}}'),(18500,5211,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Our ego \\u2013 the voice in our head that tells stories from first thing in the morning until late at night \\u2013 is constantly attempting to create meaning to protect our identity and sense of self. We hear a moment-to-moment commentary about what\\u2019s happening inside of ourselves mentally and physically, and outside of ourselves with other people, situations, and environments. Our ego creates this.<\\/p><p>Whenever our ego is operating, we are not dealing with facts. It\\u2019s always narrating our experience from our own subjective perspective. This is why we all have such different views of ourselves, situations, and other people.<\\/p><p>As our ego is concerned with preserving our identity, when we feel it is being threatened, we have a range of tools to protect ourselves. These are called<strong>\\u00a0ego defence mechanisms<\\/strong>. They emerge when we emotionally wobble as we haven\\u2019t yet learned to process or tolerate difficult experiences in another way. We use defence mechanisms without even being aware, as they are unconscious. There are quite a few, some of these include denial, projection, splitting, repression, rationalisation, and regression.<\\/p><p>I want to share the common defence mechanism <strong>regression<\\/strong>, so that you can be on the look out for it when you\\u2019re relating to yourself via your ego, your partner or anyone else.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"27896bc\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"18321d9\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"be05bfe\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"What is Regression?\",\"header_size\":\"h3\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"606c939\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"4b716c7\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"537da6f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Regression is an unconscious ego defence mechanism used when we revert to the emotions or behaviour of an&nbsp;earlier developmental stage. What we\\u2019re doing is \\u2018escaping\\u2019 to the earlier stage as the situation we are in feels too much for us to tolerate. We\\u2019re avoiding the reality of the situation as we may feel overwhelmed, anxious, or upset.<\\/p>\\n<p>We can easily recognise regression when young children regress to earlier developmental stages. Sometimes this can feel quite alarming for parents. A common regressed behaviour is when a child becomes aware that their parents are going to have another child. They may show their excitement offering great relief to parents, yet that doesn\\u2019t mean it\\u2019s plain sailing for them emotionally.<\\/p>\\n<p>The child is often too young to verbalise how they may also feel upset or anxious about the changes that they never asked for, or they may fear they are no longer the special child to their parents, or not good enough to remain the last or an only child.<\\/p>\\n<p>These feelings may be seen through their regressed state where they revert to wetting the bed or having accidents when they\\u2019ve been nappy trained or insisting on being spoon fed like a baby. Regressed behaviour is completely normal. If you see regressed behaviours in your child, it\\u2019s a clue that they are struggling. Use it as an opportunity to talk with your child \\u2013 even if they\\u2019re very young \\u2013 about how they feel about their sibling\\u2019s arrival and what they may worry about.<\\/p>\\n<p>In adults, regression is used when our ego doesn\\u2019t have the emotional maturity to deal with our feelings regarding ourselves, others, or events. As you will see in the list below, when we regress, we have lost our ability to relate from an adult framework and can quickly become rather childlike.<\\/p>\\n<p>Regressed behaviours include...<\\/p>\\n<p style=\\\"padding-left: 40px;\\\">- Throwing objects<br>- Tantrums<br>- Shouting<br>- Hitting<br>- Crying<br>- Hugging or sleeping with soft toys<br>- Using a baby voice<br>- Whining or complaining<br>- Sulking<br>- Name calling<br>- Curling up in the foetal position<br>- Stonewalling\\/Refusing to speak<br>- Helplessness<\\/p>\\n<p>Be honest with yourself, do you use any of these? We need to ask ourselves, how do we try to avoid and escape reality? It\\u2019s important to become aware of our use of regression, as identifying our behaviours is the first step to growing up emotionally and developing the capacity to tolerate upsetting or overwhelming feelings.<\\/p>\\n<p>It\\u2019s not our fault we can\\u2019t face reality and use regression. Remember it\\u2019s all unconscious. We learnt these behaviours when we were young, and for many of us we didn\\u2019t outgrow them. They\\u2019ve been pre-programmed so when we feel overwhelmed or that our ego (our identity or sense of self) feels challenged we don\\u2019t know what else to do so we revert to being young again.<\\/p>\\n<p>As adults when we regress, we may look for comfort in a stuffed animal like we did when we were a child or even eat comfort food from childhood. When we don\\u2019t get our own way, we may complain. When we are hurt, which masquerades as anger, we may name call or throw an object. This regressed behaviour can hurt the people closest to us, such as our partner and\\/or our children. They are exposed to us losing our adult selves. We may even be a bit frightening for them if we scream, tantrum, smack them, or lock ourselves in the bathroom. Unfortunately for all of us, in that moment we don\\u2019t have a more productive way of coping.<\\/p>\\n<p>If regression is left unchecked it can cause longer-term problems, as emotional maturity is vital for healthy relationships.<\\/p>\\n<p><em>Image source: Shuttertock (1265273911)<\\/em><\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(18501,5211,'_elementor_css','a:7:{s:4:\"time\";i:1661509432;s:5:\"fonts\";a:0:{}s:5:\"icons\";a:0:{}s:20:\"dynamic_elements_ids\";a:0:{}s:6:\"status\";s:5:\"empty\";i:0;s:0:\"\";s:3:\"css\";s:0:\"\";}'),(18504,5212,'_wp_page_template','default'),(18505,5212,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(18506,5212,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(18507,5212,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(18508,5212,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(18509,5212,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(18510,5212,'_thumbnail_id','5207'),(18511,5212,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Our ego \\u2013 the voice in our head that tells stories from first thing in the morning until late at night \\u2013 is constantly attempting to create meaning to protect our identity and sense of self. We hear a moment-to-moment commentary about what\\u2019s happening inside of ourselves mentally and physically, and outside of ourselves with other people, situations, and environments. Our ego creates this.<\\/p><p>Whenever our ego is operating, we are not dealing with facts. It\\u2019s always narrating our experience from our own subjective perspective. This is why we all have such different views of ourselves, situations, and other people.<\\/p><p>As our ego is concerned with preserving our identity, when we feel it is being threatened, we have a range of tools to protect ourselves. These are called<strong>\\u00a0ego defence mechanisms<\\/strong>. They emerge when we emotionally wobble as we haven\\u2019t yet learned to process or tolerate difficult experiences in another way. We use defence mechanisms without even being aware, as they are unconscious. There are quite a few, some of these include denial, projection, splitting, repression, rationalisation, and regression.<\\/p><p>I want to share the common defence mechanism <strong>regression<\\/strong>, so that you can be on the look out for it when you\\u2019re relating to yourself via your ego, your partner or anyone else.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"27896bc\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"18321d9\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"be05bfe\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"What is Regression?\",\"header_size\":\"h3\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"606c939\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"4b716c7\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"537da6f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Regression is an unconscious ego defence mechanism used when we revert to the emotions or behaviour of an&nbsp;earlier developmental stage. What we\\u2019re doing is \\u2018escaping\\u2019 to the earlier stage as the situation we are in feels too much for us to tolerate. We\\u2019re avoiding the reality of the situation as we may feel overwhelmed, anxious, or upset.<\\/p>\\n<p>We can easily recognise regression when young children regress to earlier developmental stages. Sometimes this can feel quite alarming for parents. A common regressed behaviour is when a child becomes aware that their parents are going to have another child. They may show their excitement offering great relief to parents, yet that doesn\\u2019t mean it\\u2019s plain sailing for them emotionally.<\\/p>\\n<p>The child is often too young to verbalise how they may also feel upset or anxious about the changes that they never asked for, or they may fear they are no longer the special child to their parents, or not good enough to remain the last or an only child.<\\/p>\\n<p>These feelings may be seen through their regressed state where they revert to wetting the bed or having accidents when they\\u2019ve been nappy trained or insisting on being spoon fed like a baby. Regressed behaviour is completely normal. If you see regressed behaviours in your child, it\\u2019s a clue that they are struggling. Use it as an opportunity to talk with your child \\u2013 even if they\\u2019re very young \\u2013 about how they feel about their sibling\\u2019s arrival and what they may worry about.<\\/p>\\n<p>In adults, regression is used when our ego doesn\\u2019t have the emotional maturity to deal with our feelings regarding ourselves, others, or events. As you will see in the list below, when we regress, we have lost our ability to relate from an adult framework and can quickly become rather childlike.<\\/p>\\n<p>Regressed behaviours include...<\\/p>\\n<p style=\\\"padding-left: 40px;\\\">- Throwing objects<br>- Tantrums<br>- Shouting<br>- Hitting<br>- Crying<br>- Hugging or sleeping with soft toys<br>- Using a baby voice<br>- Whining or complaining<br>- Sulking<br>- Name calling<br>- Curling up in the foetal position<br>- Stonewalling\\/Refusing to speak<br>- Helplessness<\\/p>\\n<p>Be honest with yourself, do you use any of these? We need to ask ourselves, how do we try to avoid and escape reality? It\\u2019s important to become aware of our use of regression, as identifying our behaviours is the first step to growing up emotionally and developing the capacity to tolerate upsetting or overwhelming feelings.<\\/p>\\n<p>It\\u2019s not our fault we can\\u2019t face reality and use regression. Remember it\\u2019s all unconscious. We learnt these behaviours when we were young, and for many of us we didn\\u2019t outgrow them. They\\u2019ve been pre-programmed so when we feel overwhelmed or that our ego (our identity or sense of self) feels challenged we don\\u2019t know what else to do so we revert to being young again.<\\/p>\\n<p>As adults when we regress, we may look for comfort in a stuffed animal like we did when we were a child or even eat comfort food from childhood. When we don\\u2019t get our own way, we may complain. When we are hurt, which masquerades as anger, we may name call or throw an object. This regressed behaviour can hurt the people closest to us, such as our partner and\\/or our children. They are exposed to us losing our adult selves. We may even be a bit frightening for them if we scream, tantrum, smack them, or lock ourselves in the bathroom. Unfortunately for all of us, in that moment we don\\u2019t have a more productive way of coping.<\\/p>\\n<p>If regression is left unchecked it can cause longer-term problems, as emotional maturity is vital for healthy relationships.<\\/p>\\n<p><em>Image source: Shuttertock (1265273911)<\\/em><\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(18512,5213,'_wp_page_template','default'),(18513,5213,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(18514,5213,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(18515,5213,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(18516,5213,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(18517,5213,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(18518,5213,'_thumbnail_id','5207'),(18519,5213,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Our ego \\u2013 the voice in our head that tells stories from first thing in the morning until late at night \\u2013 is constantly attempting to create meaning to protect our identity and sense of self. We hear a moment-to-moment commentary about what\\u2019s happening inside of ourselves mentally and physically, and outside of ourselves with other people, situations, and environments. Our ego creates this.<\\/p><p>Whenever our ego is operating, we are not dealing with facts. It\\u2019s always narrating our experience from our own subjective perspective. This is why we all have such different views of ourselves, situations, and other people.<\\/p><p>As our ego is concerned with preserving our identity, when we feel it is being threatened, we have a range of tools to protect ourselves. These are called<strong>\\u00a0ego defence mechanisms<\\/strong>. They emerge when we emotionally wobble as we haven\\u2019t yet learned to process or tolerate difficult experiences in another way. We use defence mechanisms without even being aware, as they are unconscious. There are quite a few, some of these include denial, projection, splitting, repression, rationalisation, and regression.<\\/p><p>I want to share the common defence mechanism <strong>regression<\\/strong>, so that you can be on the look out for it when you\\u2019re relating to yourself via your ego, your partner or anyone else.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"27896bc\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"18321d9\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"be05bfe\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"What is Regression?\",\"header_size\":\"h3\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"606c939\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"4b716c7\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"537da6f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Regression is an unconscious ego defence mechanism used when we revert to the emotions or behaviour of an&nbsp;earlier developmental stage. What we\\u2019re doing is \\u2018escaping\\u2019 to the earlier stage as the situation we are in feels too much for us to tolerate. We\\u2019re avoiding the reality of the situation as we may feel overwhelmed, anxious, or upset.<\\/p>\\n<p>We can easily recognise regression when young children regress to earlier developmental stages. Sometimes this can feel quite alarming for parents. A common regressed behaviour is when a child becomes aware that their parents are going to have another child. They may show their excitement offering great relief to parents, yet that doesn\\u2019t mean it\\u2019s plain sailing for them emotionally.<\\/p>\\n<p>The child is often too young to verbalise how they may also feel upset or anxious about the changes that they never asked for, or they may fear they are no longer the special child to their parents, or not good enough to remain the last or an only child.<\\/p>\\n<p>These feelings may be seen through their regressed state where they revert to wetting the bed or having accidents when they\\u2019ve been nappy trained or insisting on being spoon fed like a baby. Regressed behaviour is completely normal. If you see regressed behaviours in your child, it\\u2019s a clue that they are struggling. Use it as an opportunity to talk with your child \\u2013 even if they\\u2019re very young \\u2013 about how they feel about their sibling\\u2019s arrival and what they may worry about.<\\/p>\\n<p>In adults, regression is used when our ego doesn\\u2019t have the emotional maturity to deal with our feelings regarding ourselves, others, or events. As you will see in the list below, when we regress, we have lost our ability to relate from an adult framework and can quickly become rather childlike.<\\/p>\\n<p>Regressed behaviours include...<\\/p>\\n<p style=\\\"padding-left: 40px;\\\">- Throwing objects<br>- Tantrums<br>- Shouting<br>- Hitting<br>- Crying<br>- Hugging or sleeping with soft toys<br>- Using a baby voice<br>- Whining or complaining<br>- Sulking<br>- Name calling<br>- Curling up in the foetal position<br>- Stonewalling\\/Refusing to speak<br>- Helplessness<\\/p>\\n<p>Be honest with yourself, do you use any of these? We need to ask ourselves, how do we try to avoid and escape reality? It\\u2019s important to become aware of our use of regression, as identifying our behaviours is the first step to growing up emotionally and developing the capacity to tolerate upsetting or overwhelming feelings.<\\/p>\\n<p>It\\u2019s not our fault we can\\u2019t face reality and use regression. Remember it\\u2019s all unconscious. We learnt these behaviours when we were young, and for many of us we didn\\u2019t outgrow them. They\\u2019ve been pre-programmed so when we feel overwhelmed or that our ego (our identity or sense of self) feels challenged we don\\u2019t know what else to do so we revert to being young again.<\\/p>\\n<p>As adults when we regress, we may look for comfort in a stuffed animal like we did when we were a child or even eat comfort food from childhood. When we don\\u2019t get our own way, we may complain. When we are hurt, which masquerades as anger, we may name call or throw an object. This regressed behaviour can hurt the people closest to us, such as our partner and\\/or our children. They are exposed to us losing our adult selves. We may even be a bit frightening for them if we scream, tantrum, smack them, or lock ourselves in the bathroom. Unfortunately for all of us, in that moment we don\\u2019t have a more productive way of coping.<\\/p>\\n<p>If regression is left unchecked it can cause longer-term problems, as emotional maturity is vital for healthy relationships.<\\/p>\\n<p><em>Image source: Shuttertock (1265273911)<\\/em><\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(18520,5214,'_wp_page_template','default'),(18521,5214,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(18522,5214,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(18523,5214,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(18524,5214,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(18525,5214,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(18526,5214,'_thumbnail_id','5207'),(18527,5214,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Our ego \\u2013 the voice in our head that tells stories from first thing in the morning until late at night \\u2013 is constantly attempting to create meaning to protect our identity and sense of self. We hear a moment-to-moment commentary about what\\u2019s happening inside of ourselves mentally and physically, and outside of ourselves with other people, situations, and environments. Our ego creates this.<\\/p><p>Whenever our ego is operating, we are not dealing with facts. It\\u2019s always narrating our experience from our own subjective perspective. This is why we all have such different views of ourselves, situations, and other people.<\\/p><p>As our ego is concerned with preserving our identity, when we feel it is being threatened, we have a range of tools to protect ourselves. These are called<strong>\\u00a0ego defence mechanisms<\\/strong>. They emerge when we emotionally wobble as we haven\\u2019t yet learned to process or tolerate difficult experiences in another way. We use defence mechanisms without even being aware, as they are unconscious. There are quite a few, some of these include denial, projection, splitting, repression, rationalisation, and regression.<\\/p><p>I want to share the common defence mechanism <strong>regression<\\/strong>, so that you can be on the look out for it when you\\u2019re relating to yourself via your ego, your partner or anyone else.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"27896bc\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"18321d9\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"be05bfe\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"What is Regression?\",\"header_size\":\"h3\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"606c939\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"4b716c7\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"537da6f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Regression is an unconscious ego defence mechanism used when we revert to the emotions or behaviour of an\\u00a0earlier developmental stage. What we\\u2019re doing is \\u2018escaping\\u2019 to the earlier stage as the situation we are in feels too much for us to tolerate. We\\u2019re avoiding the reality of the situation as we may feel overwhelmed, anxious, or upset.<\\/p><p>We can easily recognise regression when young children regress to earlier developmental stages. Sometimes this can feel quite alarming for parents. A common regressed behaviour is when a child becomes aware that their parents are going to have another child. They may show their excitement offering great relief to parents, yet that doesn\\u2019t mean it\\u2019s plain sailing for them emotionally.<\\/p><p>The child is often too young to verbalise how they may also feel upset or anxious about the changes that they never asked for, or they may fear they are no longer the special child to their parents, or not good enough to remain the last or an only child.<\\/p><p>These feelings may be seen through their regressed state where they revert to wetting the bed or having accidents when they\\u2019ve been nappy trained or insisting on being spoon-fed like a baby. Regressed behaviour is completely normal. If you see regressed behaviours in your child, it\\u2019s a clue that they are struggling. Use it as an opportunity to talk with your child \\u2013 even if they\\u2019re very young \\u2013 about how they feel about their sibling\\u2019s arrival and what they may worry about.<\\/p><p>In adults, regression is used when our ego doesn\\u2019t have the emotional maturity to deal with our feelings regarding ourselves, others, or events. As you will see in the list below, when we regress, we have lost our ability to relate from an adult framework and can quickly become rather childlike.<\\/p><p>Regressed behaviours include...<\\/p><p style=\\\"padding-left: 40px;\\\">- Throwing objects<br \\/>- Tantrums<br \\/>- Shouting<br \\/>- Hitting<br \\/>- Crying<br \\/>- Hugging or sleeping with soft toys<br \\/>- Using a baby voice<br \\/>- Whining or complaining<br \\/>- Sulking<br \\/>- Name calling<br \\/>- Curling up in the foetal position<br \\/>- Stonewalling\\/Refusing to speak<br \\/>- Helplessness<\\/p><p>Be honest with yourself, do you use any of these? We need to ask ourselves, how do we try to avoid and escape reality? It\\u2019s important to become aware of our use of regression, as identifying our behaviours is the first step to growing up emotionally and developing the capacity to tolerate upsetting or overwhelming feelings.<\\/p><p>It\\u2019s not our fault we can\\u2019t face reality and use regression. Remember it\\u2019s all unconscious. We learnt these behaviours when we were young, and for many of us we didn\\u2019t outgrow them. They\\u2019ve been pre-programmed so when we feel overwhelmed or that our ego (our identity or sense of self) feels challenged we don\\u2019t know what else to do so we revert to being young again.<\\/p><p>As adults when we regress, we may look for comfort in a stuffed animal like we did when we were a child or even eat comfort food from childhood. When we don\\u2019t get our own way, we may complain. When we are hurt, which masquerades as anger, we may name call or throw an object. This regressed behaviour can hurt the people closest to us, such as our partner and\\/or our children. They are exposed to us losing our adult selves. We may even be a bit frightening for them if we scream, tantrum, smack them, or lock ourselves in the bathroom. Unfortunately for all of us, in that moment we don\\u2019t have a more productive way of coping.<\\/p><p>If regression is left unchecked it can cause longer-term problems, as emotional maturity is vital for healthy relationships.<\\/p><p><em>Image source: Shuttertock (1265273911)<\\/em><\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(18528,5206,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:4:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:2;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:2;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:3;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:3;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:3;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}s:7:\"heading\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:1;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:13:\"section_title\";a:2:{s:5:\"title\";i:1;s:11:\"header_size\";i:1;}}}}}'),(18529,5215,'_edit_last','2'),(18530,5215,'_edit_lock','1661510016:2'),(18531,5215,'_wp_page_template','default'),(18532,5215,'featured-video-url',''),(18533,5215,'featured-quote-text',''),(18534,5215,'featured-quote-cite',''),(18535,5215,'featured-audio-url',''),(18536,5215,'featured-link-url',''),(18537,5215,'featured-link-text',''),(18538,5215,'featured-link-short',''),(18539,5215,'post_content_padding','a:3:{s:5:\"units\";s:2:\"px\";s:11:\"padding-top\";s:0:\"\";s:14:\"padding-bottom\";s:0:\"\";}'),(18540,5215,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(18541,5215,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(18542,5215,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(18543,5215,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(18544,5215,'_oembed_2bb6871532de21756d5d7ddb684aaeb8','<iframe title=\"245 - 3 Secrets to Beat Performance Anxiety by Savvy Psychologist\" width=\"640\" height=\"400\" scrolling=\"no\" frameborder=\"no\" src=\"https://w.soundcloud.com/player/?visual=true&url=https%3A%2F%2Fapi.soundcloud.com%2Ftracks%2F621931155&show_artwork=true&maxheight=960&maxwidth=640\"></iframe>'),(18545,5215,'_oembed_time_2bb6871532de21756d5d7ddb684aaeb8','1658107090'),(18546,5215,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(18547,5215,'_wp_old_date','2022-07-18'),(18548,5215,'_thumbnail_id','5216'),(18549,5215,'_wp_old_date','2022-08-07'),(18550,5215,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:3:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:1;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:1;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}}'),(18551,5215,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>We all know that New Year\\u2019s resolutions come and go as if they were written in the wind. It\\u2019s not that we don\\u2019t take them seriously when we create them. It\\u2019s just that changing our habits can be hard, despite our best intentions to follow through.<\\/p><p>For the last few years, I haven\\u2019t made New Year\\u2019s resolutions. Historically I\\u2019ve found them really hard. They never stuck for very long \\u2013 a few weeks at best \\u2013 and I would end up feeling as if I\\u2019d failed. For me, setting resolutions on 1st\\u00a0January felt tokenistic. I now know that I hadn\\u2019t worked out a solid\\u00a0why\\u00a0for the resolutions, nor planned how I would achieve my goals.<\\/p><p>These days I like to incorporate any changes that I want into my life as I need to or want to \\u2013 irrespective of the month of the year. For example, in mid-April last year my older daughter convinced me to go to the gym and do weight training with her. She\\u2019d been super disciplined for over a year, transforming her little frame into a stronger and more Amazonian one. I admired her discipline and focus. At that time we were on holidays together, and I was fully aware she\\u2019d been seducing my ego with comments like \\u201cyou\\u2019re strong mumma\\u201d or \\u201cyou\\u2019ll take to it really well as you already train\\u201d.<\\/p><p>I felt flattered despite both of us knowing how manipulative she was being. She kept dropping little hints about me getting a trainer and us weight training together on our return. She fed my ego spectacularly. I tentatively agreed to sign up to a gym. It took a little while to translate as another part of my ego \\u2013 the sabotaging part \\u2013 kicked in to prevent me going. My ego created stories of how busy I was, how I don\\u2019t like gyms, how I do enough already, how it\\u2019s expensive, and the best story of all was that I should start in 8 months\\u2019 time in the Christmas break.<\\/p><p>As a species we don\\u2019t like pain and certainly struggle with self-induced pain, which going to the gym to do strength training is. My ego knew that a commitment like that would require my mind to be strong enough to stay the distance, that time would need to be set aside, as would some finances. My sabotaging ego was busy creating stories to keep me\\u00a0out\\u00a0of the gym.<\\/p><p>It took me until the end of May to firm up my\\u00a0why.\\u00a0Quite simply, my\\u00a0why\\u00a0was that I wanted to become stronger, and sitting around making up more ego-based sabotaging stories was not going to help me achieve my goal. I set up the sessions and off I went. After 3 weeks I felt things were going really well. I felt pleased with myself honouring my commitment, feeling a little stronger already, and developing a rhythm in the training.<\\/p><p>Then the Delta variant showed up in my local council. I was in Queensland and needed to make a late night, last-minute dash back over the NSW border, so I wasn\\u2019t forced into a 14-day quarantine with Annastacia. We were the first council declared a hotspot and a week later were in lockdown.<\\/p><p>What surprised me was how relieved I was to stop my gym training. Wow that was quick! Wasn\\u2019t I proud of myself showing up for three weeks? How quickly that evaporated as I shot off a text to my trainer telling him that we would need to reconvene down the track. Phew!!! It was just wonderful to have such a legitimate excuse to not go. It wasn\\u2019t me bailing, or even worse, failing. It was the pandemic\\u2019s fault.<\\/p><p>Within a few days though I felt the pull of my original\\u00a0why. I\\u2019d lose my gains that I\\u2019d started to make and would need to start all over again in the months ahead. How would I become strong mumma without the sessions? I knew I would never do it by myself. I contacted my trainer and we set up in the park near my home. We\\u2019ve been doing this ever since.<\\/p><p>Does it get easier to go to my sessions? Not for me. My ego makes excuses nearly every session. It wants to sabotage me because it would rather do anything else than weight training. But I don\\u2019t let it. I show up because my\\u00a0why\\u00a0won\\u2019t be answered unless I go. What helps me turn up is by asking myself one question:\\u00a0What would my best self do?\\u00a0My resolve no longer blows away in the wind, as I hear myself say \\u201cIt\\u2019s time to get ready now\\u201d.<\\/p><p>When you\\u2019re faced with your sabotaging ego, just ask yourself:<\\/p><p>What would my best self do?<\\/p><p>How would my best self respond?<\\/p><p>What action would my best self take?<\\/p><p>This will make it very clear that the sabotaging ego isn\\u2019t working in the interests of your best self, but more like the Wizard of Oz creating drama and stories to hide behind because he doesn\\u2019t want to face his emotional pain.<\\/p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (1772867801)<\\/em><\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(18561,5216,'_wp_attached_file','2022/08/shutterstock_1772867801.jpg'),(18562,5216,'_wp_attachment_metadata','a:6:{s:5:\"width\";i:1000;s:6:\"height\";i:667;s:4:\"file\";s:35:\"2022/08/shutterstock_1772867801.jpg\";s:8:\"filesize\";i:520250;s:5:\"sizes\";a:7:{s:6:\"medium\";a:5:{s:4:\"file\";s:35:\"shutterstock_1772867801-300x200.jpg\";s:5:\"width\";i:300;s:6:\"height\";i:200;s:9:\"mime-type\";s:10:\"image/jpeg\";s:8:\"filesize\";i:8747;}s:9:\"thumbnail\";a:5:{s:4:\"file\";s:35:\"shutterstock_1772867801-150x150.jpg\";s:5:\"width\";i:150;s:6:\"height\";i:150;s:9:\"mime-type\";s:10:\"image/jpeg\";s:8:\"filesize\";i:5195;}s:12:\"medium_large\";a:5:{s:4:\"file\";s:35:\"shutterstock_1772867801-768x512.jpg\";s:5:\"width\";i:768;s:6:\"height\";i:512;s:9:\"mime-type\";s:10:\"image/jpeg\";s:8:\"filesize\";i:42895;}s:14:\"blog-fullwidth\";a:5:{s:4:\"file\";s:36:\"shutterstock_1772867801-1000x600.jpg\";s:5:\"width\";i:1000;s:6:\"height\";i:600;s:9:\"mime-type\";s:10:\"image/jpeg\";s:8:\"filesize\";i:68994;}s:21:\"woocommerce_thumbnail\";a:6:{s:4:\"file\";s:35:\"shutterstock_1772867801-300x300.jpg\";s:5:\"width\";i:300;s:6:\"height\";i:300;s:9:\"mime-type\";s:10:\"image/jpeg\";s:8:\"filesize\";i:15746;s:9:\"uncropped\";b:0;}s:18:\"woocommerce_single\";a:5:{s:4:\"file\";s:35:\"shutterstock_1772867801-600x400.jpg\";s:5:\"width\";i:600;s:6:\"height\";i:400;s:9:\"mime-type\";s:10:\"image/jpeg\";s:8:\"filesize\";i:28318;}s:29:\"woocommerce_gallery_thumbnail\";a:5:{s:4:\"file\";s:35:\"shutterstock_1772867801-370x420.jpg\";s:5:\"width\";i:370;s:6:\"height\";i:420;s:9:\"mime-type\";s:10:\"image/jpeg\";s:8:\"filesize\";i:27506;}}s:10:\"image_meta\";a:12:{s:8:\"aperture\";s:1:\"0\";s:6:\"credit\";s:12:\"Shutterstock\";s:6:\"camera\";s:0:\"\";s:7:\"caption\";s:0:\"\";s:17:\"created_timestamp\";s:1:\"0\";s:9:\"copyright\";s:77:\"Copyright (c) 2020 Krakenimages.com/Shutterstock.  No use without permission.\";s:12:\"focal_length\";s:1:\"0\";s:3:\"iso\";s:1:\"0\";s:13:\"shutter_speed\";s:1:\"0\";s:5:\"title\";s:72:\"Young,Beautiful,Chinese,Woman,Wearing,Casual,Sweater,Over,Isolated,White\";s:11:\"orientation\";s:1:\"1\";s:8:\"keywords\";a:1:{i:0;s:64:\"studio,hands,happy,hugs,good,smile,beautiful,chinese,white,casua\";}}}'),(18563,5217,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(18564,5217,'_wp_page_template','default'),(18565,5217,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(18566,5217,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(18567,5217,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(18568,5217,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(18569,5217,'_thumbnail_id','5216'),(18570,5217,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:4:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:2;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:2;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:3;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:3;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:3;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}s:7:\"heading\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:1;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:13:\"section_title\";a:2:{s:5:\"title\";i:1;s:11:\"header_size\";i:1;}}}}}'),(18571,5217,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Our ego \\u2013 the voice in our head that tells stories from first thing in the morning until late at night \\u2013 is constantly attempting to create meaning to protect our identity and sense of self. We hear a moment-to-moment commentary about what\\u2019s happening inside of ourselves mentally and physically, and outside of ourselves with other people, situations, and environments. Our ego creates this.<\\/p><p>Whenever our ego is operating, we are not dealing with facts. It\\u2019s always narrating our experience from our own subjective perspective. This is why we all have such different views of ourselves, situations, and other people.<\\/p><p>As our ego is concerned with preserving our identity, when we feel it is being threatened, we have a range of tools to protect ourselves. These are called<strong>\\u00a0ego defence mechanisms<\\/strong>. They emerge when we emotionally wobble as we haven\\u2019t yet learned to process or tolerate difficult experiences in another way. We use defence mechanisms without even being aware, as they are unconscious. There are quite a few, some of these include denial, projection, splitting, repression, rationalisation, and regression.<\\/p><p>I want to share the common defence mechanism <strong>regression<\\/strong>, so that you can be on the look out for it when you\\u2019re relating to yourself via your ego, your partner or anyone else.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"27896bc\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"18321d9\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"be05bfe\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"What is Regression?\",\"header_size\":\"h3\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"606c939\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"4b716c7\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"537da6f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Regression is an unconscious ego defence mechanism used when we revert to the emotions or behaviour of an\\u00a0earlier developmental stage. What we\\u2019re doing is \\u2018escaping\\u2019 to the earlier stage as the situation we are in feels too much for us to tolerate. We\\u2019re avoiding the reality of the situation as we may feel overwhelmed, anxious, or upset.<\\/p><p>We can easily recognise regression when young children regress to earlier developmental stages. Sometimes this can feel quite alarming for parents. A common regressed behaviour is when a child becomes aware that their parents are going to have another child. They may show their excitement offering great relief to parents, yet that doesn\\u2019t mean it\\u2019s plain sailing for them emotionally.<\\/p><p>The child is often too young to verbalise how they may also feel upset or anxious about the changes that they never asked for, or they may fear they are no longer the special child to their parents, or not good enough to remain the last or an only child.<\\/p><p>These feelings may be seen through their regressed state where they revert to wetting the bed or having accidents when they\\u2019ve been nappy trained or insisting on being spoon-fed like a baby. Regressed behaviour is completely normal. If you see regressed behaviours in your child, it\\u2019s a clue that they are struggling. Use it as an opportunity to talk with your child \\u2013 even if they\\u2019re very young \\u2013 about how they feel about their sibling\\u2019s arrival and what they may worry about.<\\/p><p>In adults, regression is used when our ego doesn\\u2019t have the emotional maturity to deal with our feelings regarding ourselves, others, or events. As you will see in the list below, when we regress, we have lost our ability to relate from an adult framework and can quickly become rather childlike.<\\/p><p>Regressed behaviours include...<\\/p><p style=\\\"padding-left: 40px;\\\">- Throwing objects<br \\/>- Tantrums<br \\/>- Shouting<br \\/>- Hitting<br \\/>- Crying<br \\/>- Hugging or sleeping with soft toys<br \\/>- Using a baby voice<br \\/>- Whining or complaining<br \\/>- Sulking<br \\/>- Name calling<br \\/>- Curling up in the foetal position<br \\/>- Stonewalling\\/Refusing to speak<br \\/>- Helplessness<\\/p><p>Be honest with yourself, do you use any of these? We need to ask ourselves, how do we try to avoid and escape reality? It\\u2019s important to become aware of our use of regression, as identifying our behaviours is the first step to growing up emotionally and developing the capacity to tolerate upsetting or overwhelming feelings.<\\/p><p>It\\u2019s not our fault we can\\u2019t face reality and use regression. Remember it\\u2019s all unconscious. We learnt these behaviours when we were young, and for many of us we didn\\u2019t outgrow them. They\\u2019ve been pre-programmed so when we feel overwhelmed or that our ego (our identity or sense of self) feels challenged we don\\u2019t know what else to do so we revert to being young again.<\\/p><p>As adults when we regress, we may look for comfort in a stuffed animal like we did when we were a child or even eat comfort food from childhood. When we don\\u2019t get our own way, we may complain. When we are hurt, which masquerades as anger, we may name call or throw an object. 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We hear a moment-to-moment commentary about what\\u2019s happening inside of ourselves mentally and physically, and outside of ourselves with other people, situations, and environments. Our ego creates this.<\\/p><p>Whenever our ego is operating, we are not dealing with facts. It\\u2019s always narrating our experience from our own subjective perspective. This is why we all have such different views of ourselves, situations, and other people.<\\/p><p>As our ego is concerned with preserving our identity, when we feel it is being threatened, we have a range of tools to protect ourselves. These are called<strong>\\u00a0ego defence mechanisms<\\/strong>. They emerge when we emotionally wobble as we haven\\u2019t yet learned to process or tolerate difficult experiences in another way. We use defence mechanisms without even being aware, as they are unconscious. There are quite a few, some of these include denial, projection, splitting, repression, rationalisation, and regression.<\\/p><p>I want to share the common defence mechanism <strong>regression<\\/strong>, so that you can be on the look out for it when you\\u2019re relating to yourself via your ego, your partner or anyone else.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"27896bc\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"18321d9\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"be05bfe\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"What is Regression?\",\"header_size\":\"h3\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"606c939\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"4b716c7\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"537da6f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Regression is an unconscious ego defence mechanism used when we revert to the emotions or behaviour of an\\u00a0earlier developmental stage. What we\\u2019re doing is \\u2018escaping\\u2019 to the earlier stage as the situation we are in feels too much for us to tolerate. We\\u2019re avoiding the reality of the situation as we may feel overwhelmed, anxious, or upset.<\\/p><p>We can easily recognise regression when young children regress to earlier developmental stages. Sometimes this can feel quite alarming for parents. A common regressed behaviour is when a child becomes aware that their parents are going to have another child. They may show their excitement offering great relief to parents, yet that doesn\\u2019t mean it\\u2019s plain sailing for them emotionally.<\\/p><p>The child is often too young to verbalise how they may also feel upset or anxious about the changes that they never asked for, or they may fear they are no longer the special child to their parents, or not good enough to remain the last or an only child.<\\/p><p>These feelings may be seen through their regressed state where they revert to wetting the bed or having accidents when they\\u2019ve been nappy trained or insisting on being spoon-fed like a baby. Regressed behaviour is completely normal. If you see regressed behaviours in your child, it\\u2019s a clue that they are struggling. Use it as an opportunity to talk with your child \\u2013 even if they\\u2019re very young \\u2013 about how they feel about their sibling\\u2019s arrival and what they may worry about.<\\/p><p>In adults, regression is used when our ego doesn\\u2019t have the emotional maturity to deal with our feelings regarding ourselves, others, or events. As you will see in the list below, when we regress, we have lost our ability to relate from an adult framework and can quickly become rather childlike.<\\/p><p>Regressed behaviours include...<\\/p><p style=\\\"padding-left: 40px;\\\">- Throwing objects<br \\/>- Tantrums<br \\/>- Shouting<br \\/>- Hitting<br \\/>- Crying<br \\/>- Hugging or sleeping with soft toys<br \\/>- Using a baby voice<br \\/>- Whining or complaining<br \\/>- Sulking<br \\/>- Name calling<br \\/>- Curling up in the foetal position<br \\/>- Stonewalling\\/Refusing to speak<br \\/>- Helplessness<\\/p><p>Be honest with yourself, do you use any of these? We need to ask ourselves, how do we try to avoid and escape reality? It\\u2019s important to become aware of our use of regression, as identifying our behaviours is the first step to growing up emotionally and developing the capacity to tolerate upsetting or overwhelming feelings.<\\/p><p>It\\u2019s not our fault we can\\u2019t face reality and use regression. Remember it\\u2019s all unconscious. We learnt these behaviours when we were young, and for many of us we didn\\u2019t outgrow them. They\\u2019ve been pre-programmed so when we feel overwhelmed or that our ego (our identity or sense of self) feels challenged we don\\u2019t know what else to do so we revert to being young again.<\\/p><p>As adults when we regress, we may look for comfort in a stuffed animal like we did when we were a child or even eat comfort food from childhood. When we don\\u2019t get our own way, we may complain. When we are hurt, which masquerades as anger, we may name call or throw an object. This regressed behaviour can hurt the people closest to us, such as our partner and\\/or our children. They are exposed to us losing our adult selves. We may even be a bit frightening for them if we scream, tantrum, smack them, or lock ourselves in the bathroom. 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There are quite a few, some of these include denial, projection, splitting, repression, rationalisation, and regression.<\\/p><p>I want to share the common defence mechanism <strong>regression<\\/strong>, so that you can be on the look out for it when you\\u2019re relating to yourself via your ego, your partner or anyone else.<\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"27896bc\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"18321d9\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"be05bfe\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"title\":\"What is Regression?\",\"header_size\":\"h3\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"heading\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false},{\"id\":\"606c939\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"4b716c7\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"537da6f\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>Regression is an unconscious ego defence mechanism used when we revert to the emotions or behaviour of an\\u00a0earlier developmental stage. What we\\u2019re doing is \\u2018escaping\\u2019 to the earlier stage as the situation we are in feels too much for us to tolerate. We\\u2019re avoiding the reality of the situation as we may feel overwhelmed, anxious, or upset.<\\/p><p>We can easily recognise regression when young children regress to earlier developmental stages. Sometimes this can feel quite alarming for parents. A common regressed behaviour is when a child becomes aware that their parents are going to have another child. They may show their excitement offering great relief to parents, yet that doesn\\u2019t mean it\\u2019s plain sailing for them emotionally.<\\/p><p>The child is often too young to verbalise how they may also feel upset or anxious about the changes that they never asked for, or they may fear they are no longer the special child to their parents, or not good enough to remain the last or an only child.<\\/p><p>These feelings may be seen through their regressed state where they revert to wetting the bed or having accidents when they\\u2019ve been nappy trained or insisting on being spoon-fed like a baby. Regressed behaviour is completely normal. If you see regressed behaviours in your child, it\\u2019s a clue that they are struggling. Use it as an opportunity to talk with your child \\u2013 even if they\\u2019re very young \\u2013 about how they feel about their sibling\\u2019s arrival and what they may worry about.<\\/p><p>In adults, regression is used when our ego doesn\\u2019t have the emotional maturity to deal with our feelings regarding ourselves, others, or events. As you will see in the list below, when we regress, we have lost our ability to relate from an adult framework and can quickly become rather childlike.<\\/p><p>Regressed behaviours include...<\\/p><p style=\\\"padding-left: 40px;\\\">- Throwing objects<br \\/>- Tantrums<br \\/>- Shouting<br \\/>- Hitting<br \\/>- Crying<br \\/>- Hugging or sleeping with soft toys<br \\/>- Using a baby voice<br \\/>- Whining or complaining<br \\/>- Sulking<br \\/>- Name calling<br \\/>- Curling up in the foetal position<br \\/>- Stonewalling\\/Refusing to speak<br \\/>- Helplessness<\\/p><p>Be honest with yourself, do you use any of these? We need to ask ourselves, how do we try to avoid and escape reality? It\\u2019s important to become aware of our use of regression, as identifying our behaviours is the first step to growing up emotionally and developing the capacity to tolerate upsetting or overwhelming feelings.<\\/p><p>It\\u2019s not our fault we can\\u2019t face reality and use regression. Remember it\\u2019s all unconscious. We learnt these behaviours when we were young, and for many of us we didn\\u2019t outgrow them. They\\u2019ve been pre-programmed so when we feel overwhelmed or that our ego (our identity or sense of self) feels challenged we don\\u2019t know what else to do so we revert to being young again.<\\/p><p>As adults when we regress, we may look for comfort in a stuffed animal like we did when we were a child or even eat comfort food from childhood. When we don\\u2019t get our own way, we may complain. When we are hurt, which masquerades as anger, we may name call or throw an object. This regressed behaviour can hurt the people closest to us, such as our partner and\\/or our children. They are exposed to us losing our adult selves. We may even be a bit frightening for them if we scream, tantrum, smack them, or lock ourselves in the bathroom. 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It\\u2019s not that we don\\u2019t take them seriously when we create them. It\\u2019s just that changing our habits can be hard, despite our best intentions to follow through.<\\/p><p>For the last few years, I haven\\u2019t made New Year\\u2019s resolutions. Historically I\\u2019ve found them really hard. They never stuck for very long \\u2013 a few weeks at best \\u2013 and I would end up feeling as if I\\u2019d failed. For me, setting resolutions on 1st\\u00a0January felt tokenistic. I now know that I hadn\\u2019t worked out a solid\\u00a0why\\u00a0for the resolutions, nor planned how I would achieve my goals.<\\/p><p>These days I like to incorporate any changes that I want into my life as I need to or want to \\u2013 irrespective of the month of the year. For example, in mid-April last year my older daughter convinced me to go to the gym and do weight training with her. She\\u2019d been super disciplined for over a year, transforming her little frame into a stronger and more Amazonian one. I admired her discipline and focus. At that time we were on holidays together, and I was fully aware she\\u2019d been seducing my ego with comments like \\u201cyou\\u2019re strong mumma\\u201d or \\u201cyou\\u2019ll take to it really well as you already train\\u201d.<\\/p><p>I felt flattered despite both of us knowing how manipulative she was being. She kept dropping little hints about me getting a trainer and us weight training together on our return. She fed my ego spectacularly. I tentatively agreed to sign up to a gym. It took a little while to translate as another part of my ego \\u2013 the sabotaging part \\u2013 kicked in to prevent me going. My ego created stories of how busy I was, how I don\\u2019t like gyms, how I do enough already, how it\\u2019s expensive, and the best story of all was that I should start in 8 months\\u2019 time in the Christmas break.<\\/p><p>As a species we don\\u2019t like pain and certainly struggle with self-induced pain, which going to the gym to do strength training is. My ego knew that a commitment like that would require my mind to be strong enough to stay the distance, that time would need to be set aside, as would some finances. My sabotaging ego was busy creating stories to keep me\\u00a0out\\u00a0of the gym.<\\/p><p>It took me until the end of May to firm up my\\u00a0why.\\u00a0Quite simply, my\\u00a0why\\u00a0was that I wanted to become stronger, and sitting around making up more ego-based sabotaging stories was not going to help me achieve my goal. I set up the sessions and off I went. After 3 weeks I felt things were going really well. I felt pleased with myself honouring my commitment, feeling a little stronger already, and developing a rhythm in the training.<\\/p><p>Then the Delta variant showed up in my local council. I was in Queensland and needed to make a late night, last-minute dash back over the NSW border, so I wasn\\u2019t forced into a 14-day quarantine with Annastacia. We were the first council declared a hotspot and a week later were in lockdown.<\\/p><p>What surprised me was how relieved I was to stop my gym training. Wow that was quick! Wasn\\u2019t I proud of myself showing up for three weeks? How quickly that evaporated as I shot off a text to my trainer telling him that we would need to reconvene down the track. Phew!!! It was just wonderful to have such a legitimate excuse to not go. It wasn\\u2019t me bailing, or even worse, failing. It was the pandemic\\u2019s fault.<\\/p><p>Within a few days though I felt the pull of my original\\u00a0why. I\\u2019d lose my gains that I\\u2019d started to make and would need to start all over again in the months ahead. How would I become strong mumma without the sessions? I knew I would never do it by myself. I contacted my trainer and we set up in the park near my home. We\\u2019ve been doing this ever since.<\\/p><p>Does it get easier to go to my sessions? Not for me. My ego makes excuses nearly every session. It wants to sabotage me because it would rather do anything else than weight training. But I don\\u2019t let it. I show up because my\\u00a0why\\u00a0won\\u2019t be answered unless I go. What helps me turn up is by asking myself one question:\\u00a0What would my best self do?\\u00a0My resolve no longer blows away in the wind, as I hear myself say \\u201cIt\\u2019s time to get ready now\\u201d.<\\/p><p>When you\\u2019re faced with your sabotaging ego, just ask yourself:<\\/p><p>What would my best self do?<\\/p><p>How would my best self respond?<\\/p><p>What action would my best self take?<\\/p><p>This will make it very clear that the sabotaging ego isn\\u2019t working in the interests of your best self, but more like the Wizard of Oz creating drama and stories to hide behind because he doesn\\u2019t want to face his emotional pain.<\\/p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (1772867801)<\\/em><\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(18604,5220,'_elementor_css','a:7:{s:4:\"time\";i:1661509872;s:5:\"fonts\";a:0:{}s:5:\"icons\";a:0:{}s:20:\"dynamic_elements_ids\";a:0:{}s:6:\"status\";s:5:\"empty\";i:0;s:0:\"\";s:3:\"css\";s:0:\"\";}'),(18605,5221,'_edit_last','2'),(18606,5221,'_edit_lock','1661510300:2'),(18607,5221,'_wp_page_template','default'),(18608,5221,'featured-video-url',''),(18609,5221,'featured-quote-text',''),(18610,5221,'featured-quote-cite',''),(18611,5221,'featured-audio-url',''),(18612,5221,'featured-link-url',''),(18613,5221,'featured-link-text',''),(18614,5221,'featured-link-short',''),(18615,5221,'post_content_padding','a:3:{s:5:\"units\";s:2:\"px\";s:11:\"padding-top\";s:0:\"\";s:14:\"padding-bottom\";s:0:\"\";}'),(18616,5221,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(18617,5221,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(18618,5221,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(18619,5221,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(18620,5221,'_oembed_2bb6871532de21756d5d7ddb684aaeb8','<iframe title=\"245 - 3 Secrets to Beat Performance Anxiety by Savvy Psychologist\" width=\"640\" height=\"400\" scrolling=\"no\" frameborder=\"no\" src=\"https://w.soundcloud.com/player/?visual=true&url=https%3A%2F%2Fapi.soundcloud.com%2Ftracks%2F621931155&show_artwork=true&maxheight=960&maxwidth=640\"></iframe>'),(18621,5221,'_oembed_time_2bb6871532de21756d5d7ddb684aaeb8','1658107090'),(18622,5221,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(18623,5221,'_wp_old_date','2022-07-18'),(18624,5221,'_thumbnail_id','5222'),(18625,5221,'_wp_old_date','2022-08-07'),(18626,5221,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:3:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:1;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:1;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}}'),(18627,5221,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>We are such a complex species us humans. We have evolved these incredible mammalian brains that can categorise, analyse, and differentiate between objects, situations and abstract ideas. We create incredible tools, machines that fly, and artificial intelligence to be applied in every realm of life. We need to admire our ability to create and make the unimaginable a new reality.<\\/p><p>Part of this highly evolved brain involves our ability to judge things and discriminate between options. This means holding onto some ideas as worthwhile, discerning whether opinions hold enough weight for us to take them seriously, determining whether certain substances or foods are good for our body or not. We make judgements about politician, bosses, or our work environment. We judge the weather as good or bad, the restaurant vibe, or the present we received for Christmas as suitable \\u2013 or not.<\\/p><p>If we put a microphone in our mind to really listen to our judgements, we would all hear that we make thousands of them every single day. We start the morning judging whether we slept well last night. We may have a shower and have judgements about whether we look good or not, whether we like how our clothes fit that day, and we may even judge our behaviour with food or exercise over the last little while.<\\/p><p>Our judgements come from the voice in our head. This voice is always there, always chiming in with some very important judgement of the moment. This is the ego. It\\u2019s always questioning and judging. Am I enjoying this moment? Am I unhappy with what my friend said to me last week? I am feeling so good! I don\\u2019t like the food in the fridge \\u2013 it\\u2019s boring. This was the best day of my life! The judgements are either good or bad, positive or negative.<\\/p><p>Our ego judges our friend\\u2019s choice to move away from the city, or their new partner as dull, or we judge whether we are earning enough money. We judge to make ourselves feel better or we judge to make ourselves feel worse. We can be especially judgemental of ourselves. I see this with my clients, and I call it the whip. I used to have a whip. I did the work to get away from that one.<\\/p><p>It\\u2019s the whip others would never believe you have, where you give yourself some lashings. So many people don\\u2019t even know that they are judging themselves harshly. Their whip has been operating for so long, without their awareness. I never even knew I had a choice to put the whip down. Once I knew I could it was a game changer. I\\u2019d literally catch myself being self-critical and visualise gently placing the whip down.<\\/p><p>The other form of judgement is reserved for others. We can judge others so swiftly without even knowing we don\\u2019t need to do this. We have no idea how judging others is actually a reflection of our own mind. These judgements hurt us more than they hurt anyone else. We can be critical of other\\u2019s ideas, values, behaviour, opinions, or work. We can be harsh on their body shape and size. We can negatively judge their parenting. We can be mean about their children.<\\/p><p>There is no end to the topics we can judge about others and how they live their lives. Why do we do this? We do this because our fragile ego wants a little ego boost. So we tear others down a notch \\u2013 in our own mind. We want to feel a bit better about our own lives, so we create a story about someone else\\u2019s inadequacies or failings in any particular area. This means we don\\u2019t need to be in contact with our own weakness or vulnerabilities. We project these onto someone else and pretend to ourselves we are momentarily superior. But deep down we know we\\u2019re not.<\\/p><p>Sometimes we take it even further where it\\u2019s not just judgement in our own mind. We join up with others and gossip. Deep down we feel when we\\u2019ve been too severe or disloyal or unkind, and we\\u2019d hate someone to speak about\\u00a0us\\u00a0like that. That\\u2019s what the ego does \\u2013 it likes to take others down, implying that we\\u2019re\\u00a0not\\u00a0like that. We\\u2019re ok and in the right place in our own lives.<\\/p><p>But why would our ego do this? It\\u2019s afraid. It\\u2019s trying to keep us and those around us in a neat box to feel safe. Gossiping (or being judgemental) attempts to shape our social or work sphere to keep ourselves and others in line. We \\u2013 the gossipers \\u2013 are momentarily in the \\u2018in crowd\\u2019, and someone else is on the outer.<\\/p><p>We all need to look at how our ego operates so that we don\\u2019t fall into the trap of taking it too seriously. 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No use without permission.\";s:12:\"focal_length\";s:1:\"0\";s:3:\"iso\";s:1:\"0\";s:13:\"shutter_speed\";s:1:\"0\";s:5:\"title\";s:71:\"Upset,Abused,African,Wife,Tired,Of,Fighting,Ignoring,Controlling,Despot\";s:11:\"orientation\";s:1:\"1\";s:8:\"keywords\";a:1:{i:0;s:64:\"looking love,behavior black,trouble tyranny,marriage married,hus\";}}}'),(18639,5223,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(18640,5223,'_wp_page_template','default'),(18641,5223,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(18642,5223,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(18643,5223,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(18644,5223,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(18645,5223,'_thumbnail_id','5222'),(18646,5223,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:3:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:1;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:1;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}}'),(18647,5223,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>We all know that New Year\\u2019s resolutions come and go as if they were written in the wind. It\\u2019s not that we don\\u2019t take them seriously when we create them. It\\u2019s just that changing our habits can be hard, despite our best intentions to follow through.<\\/p><p>For the last few years, I haven\\u2019t made New Year\\u2019s resolutions. Historically I\\u2019ve found them really hard. They never stuck for very long \\u2013 a few weeks at best \\u2013 and I would end up feeling as if I\\u2019d failed. For me, setting resolutions on 1st\\u00a0January felt tokenistic. I now know that I hadn\\u2019t worked out a solid\\u00a0why\\u00a0for the resolutions, nor planned how I would achieve my goals.<\\/p><p>These days I like to incorporate any changes that I want into my life as I need to or want to \\u2013 irrespective of the month of the year. For example, in mid-April last year my older daughter convinced me to go to the gym and do weight training with her. She\\u2019d been super disciplined for over a year, transforming her little frame into a stronger and more Amazonian one. I admired her discipline and focus. At that time we were on holidays together, and I was fully aware she\\u2019d been seducing my ego with comments like \\u201cyou\\u2019re strong mumma\\u201d or \\u201cyou\\u2019ll take to it really well as you already train\\u201d.<\\/p><p>I felt flattered despite both of us knowing how manipulative she was being. She kept dropping little hints about me getting a trainer and us weight training together on our return. She fed my ego spectacularly. I tentatively agreed to sign up to a gym. It took a little while to translate as another part of my ego \\u2013 the sabotaging part \\u2013 kicked in to prevent me going. My ego created stories of how busy I was, how I don\\u2019t like gyms, how I do enough already, how it\\u2019s expensive, and the best story of all was that I should start in 8 months\\u2019 time in the Christmas break.<\\/p><p>As a species we don\\u2019t like pain and certainly struggle with self-induced pain, which going to the gym to do strength training is. My ego knew that a commitment like that would require my mind to be strong enough to stay the distance, that time would need to be set aside, as would some finances. My sabotaging ego was busy creating stories to keep me\\u00a0out\\u00a0of the gym.<\\/p><p>It took me until the end of May to firm up my\\u00a0why.\\u00a0Quite simply, my\\u00a0why\\u00a0was that I wanted to become stronger, and sitting around making up more ego-based sabotaging stories was not going to help me achieve my goal. I set up the sessions and off I went. After 3 weeks I felt things were going really well. I felt pleased with myself honouring my commitment, feeling a little stronger already, and developing a rhythm in the training.<\\/p><p>Then the Delta variant showed up in my local council. I was in Queensland and needed to make a late night, last-minute dash back over the NSW border, so I wasn\\u2019t forced into a 14-day quarantine with Annastacia. We were the first council declared a hotspot and a week later were in lockdown.<\\/p><p>What surprised me was how relieved I was to stop my gym training. Wow that was quick! Wasn\\u2019t I proud of myself showing up for three weeks? How quickly that evaporated as I shot off a text to my trainer telling him that we would need to reconvene down the track. Phew!!! It was just wonderful to have such a legitimate excuse to not go. It wasn\\u2019t me bailing, or even worse, failing. It was the pandemic\\u2019s fault.<\\/p><p>Within a few days though I felt the pull of my original\\u00a0why. I\\u2019d lose my gains that I\\u2019d started to make and would need to start all over again in the months ahead. How would I become strong mumma without the sessions? I knew I would never do it by myself. I contacted my trainer and we set up in the park near my home. We\\u2019ve been doing this ever since.<\\/p><p>Does it get easier to go to my sessions? Not for me. My ego makes excuses nearly every session. It wants to sabotage me because it would rather do anything else than weight training. But I don\\u2019t let it. I show up because my\\u00a0why\\u00a0won\\u2019t be answered unless I go. What helps me turn up is by asking myself one question:\\u00a0What would my best self do?\\u00a0My resolve no longer blows away in the wind, as I hear myself say \\u201cIt\\u2019s time to get ready now\\u201d.<\\/p><p>When you\\u2019re faced with your sabotaging ego, just ask yourself:<\\/p><p>What would my best self do?<\\/p><p>How would my best self respond?<\\/p><p>What action would my best self take?<\\/p><p>This will make it very clear that the sabotaging ego isn\\u2019t working in the interests of your best self, but more like the Wizard of Oz creating drama and stories to hide behind because he doesn\\u2019t want to face his emotional pain.<\\/p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (1772867801)<\\/em><\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(18648,5223,'_elementor_css','a:7:{s:4:\"time\";i:1661510024;s:5:\"fonts\";a:0:{}s:5:\"icons\";a:0:{}s:20:\"dynamic_elements_ids\";a:0:{}s:6:\"status\";s:5:\"empty\";i:0;s:0:\"\";s:3:\"css\";s:0:\"\";}'),(18651,5224,'_wp_page_template','default'),(18652,5224,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(18653,5224,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(18654,5224,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(18655,5224,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(18656,5224,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(18657,5224,'_thumbnail_id','5222'),(18658,5224,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:3:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:1;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:1;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}}'),(18659,5224,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>We all know that New Year\\u2019s resolutions come and go as if they were written in the wind. It\\u2019s not that we don\\u2019t take them seriously when we create them. It\\u2019s just that changing our habits can be hard, despite our best intentions to follow through.<\\/p><p>For the last few years, I haven\\u2019t made New Year\\u2019s resolutions. Historically I\\u2019ve found them really hard. They never stuck for very long \\u2013 a few weeks at best \\u2013 and I would end up feeling as if I\\u2019d failed. For me, setting resolutions on 1st\\u00a0January felt tokenistic. I now know that I hadn\\u2019t worked out a solid\\u00a0why\\u00a0for the resolutions, nor planned how I would achieve my goals.<\\/p><p>These days I like to incorporate any changes that I want into my life as I need to or want to \\u2013 irrespective of the month of the year. For example, in mid-April last year my older daughter convinced me to go to the gym and do weight training with her. She\\u2019d been super disciplined for over a year, transforming her little frame into a stronger and more Amazonian one. I admired her discipline and focus. At that time we were on holidays together, and I was fully aware she\\u2019d been seducing my ego with comments like \\u201cyou\\u2019re strong mumma\\u201d or \\u201cyou\\u2019ll take to it really well as you already train\\u201d.<\\/p><p>I felt flattered despite both of us knowing how manipulative she was being. She kept dropping little hints about me getting a trainer and us weight training together on our return. She fed my ego spectacularly. I tentatively agreed to sign up to a gym. It took a little while to translate as another part of my ego \\u2013 the sabotaging part \\u2013 kicked in to prevent me going. My ego created stories of how busy I was, how I don\\u2019t like gyms, how I do enough already, how it\\u2019s expensive, and the best story of all was that I should start in 8 months\\u2019 time in the Christmas break.<\\/p><p>As a species we don\\u2019t like pain and certainly struggle with self-induced pain, which going to the gym to do strength training is. My ego knew that a commitment like that would require my mind to be strong enough to stay the distance, that time would need to be set aside, as would some finances. My sabotaging ego was busy creating stories to keep me\\u00a0out\\u00a0of the gym.<\\/p><p>It took me until the end of May to firm up my\\u00a0why.\\u00a0Quite simply, my\\u00a0why\\u00a0was that I wanted to become stronger, and sitting around making up more ego-based sabotaging stories was not going to help me achieve my goal. I set up the sessions and off I went. After 3 weeks I felt things were going really well. I felt pleased with myself honouring my commitment, feeling a little stronger already, and developing a rhythm in the training.<\\/p><p>Then the Delta variant showed up in my local council. I was in Queensland and needed to make a late night, last-minute dash back over the NSW border, so I wasn\\u2019t forced into a 14-day quarantine with Annastacia. We were the first council declared a hotspot and a week later were in lockdown.<\\/p><p>What surprised me was how relieved I was to stop my gym training. Wow that was quick! Wasn\\u2019t I proud of myself showing up for three weeks? How quickly that evaporated as I shot off a text to my trainer telling him that we would need to reconvene down the track. Phew!!! It was just wonderful to have such a legitimate excuse to not go. It wasn\\u2019t me bailing, or even worse, failing. It was the pandemic\\u2019s fault.<\\/p><p>Within a few days though I felt the pull of my original\\u00a0why. I\\u2019d lose my gains that I\\u2019d started to make and would need to start all over again in the months ahead. How would I become strong mumma without the sessions? I knew I would never do it by myself. I contacted my trainer and we set up in the park near my home. We\\u2019ve been doing this ever since.<\\/p><p>Does it get easier to go to my sessions? Not for me. My ego makes excuses nearly every session. It wants to sabotage me because it would rather do anything else than weight training. But I don\\u2019t let it. I show up because my\\u00a0why\\u00a0won\\u2019t be answered unless I go. What helps me turn up is by asking myself one question:\\u00a0What would my best self do?\\u00a0My resolve no longer blows away in the wind, as I hear myself say \\u201cIt\\u2019s time to get ready now\\u201d.<\\/p><p>When you\\u2019re faced with your sabotaging ego, just ask yourself:<\\/p><p>What would my best self do?<\\/p><p>How would my best self respond?<\\/p><p>What action would my best self take?<\\/p><p>This will make it very clear that the sabotaging ego isn\\u2019t working in the interests of your best self, but more like the Wizard of Oz creating drama and stories to hide behind because he doesn\\u2019t want to face his emotional pain.<\\/p><p><em>Image source: Shutterstock (1772867801)<\\/em><\\/p>\"},\"elements\":[],\"widgetType\":\"text-editor\"}],\"isInner\":false}],\"isInner\":false}]'),(18660,5224,'_elementor_css','a:7:{s:4:\"time\";i:1661510024;s:5:\"fonts\";a:0:{}s:5:\"icons\";a:0:{}s:20:\"dynamic_elements_ids\";a:0:{}s:6:\"status\";s:5:\"empty\";i:0;s:0:\"\";s:3:\"css\";s:0:\"\";}'),(18661,5225,'_wp_page_template','default'),(18662,5225,'_elementor_edit_mode','builder'),(18663,5225,'_elementor_template_type','wp-post'),(18664,5225,'_elementor_version','3.7.2'),(18665,5225,'_elementor_pro_version','3.6.5'),(18666,5225,'_elementor_page_assets','a:0:{}'),(18667,5225,'_thumbnail_id','5222'),(18668,5225,'_elementor_controls_usage','a:3:{s:11:\"text-editor\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:7:\"content\";a:1:{s:14:\"section_editor\";a:1:{s:6:\"editor\";i:1;}}}}s:6:\"column\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:6:\"layout\";a:1:{s:12:\"_inline_size\";i:1;}}}}s:7:\"section\";a:3:{s:5:\"count\";i:1;s:15:\"control_percent\";i:0;s:8:\"controls\";a:0:{}}}'),(18669,5225,'_elementor_data','[{\"id\":\"98c2662\",\"elType\":\"section\",\"settings\":[],\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"9c0a391\",\"elType\":\"column\",\"settings\":{\"_column_size\":100,\"_inline_size\":null},\"elements\":[{\"id\":\"626734a\",\"elType\":\"widget\",\"settings\":{\"editor\":\"<p>We all know that New Year\\u2019s resolutions come and go as if they were written in the wind. It\\u2019s not that we don\\u2019t take them seriously when we create them. It\\u2019s just that changing our habits can be hard, despite our best intentions to follow through.<\\/p><p>For the last few years, I haven\\u2019t made New Year\\u2019s resolutions. Historically I\\u2019ve found them really hard. They never stuck for very long \\u2013 a few weeks at best \\u2013 and I would end up feeling as if I\\u2019d failed. For me, setting resolutions on 1st\\u00a0January felt tokenistic. I now know that I hadn\\u2019t worked out a solid\\u00a0why\\u00a0for the resolutions, nor planned how I would achieve my goals.<\\/p><p>These days I like to incorporate any changes that I want into my life as I need to or want to \\u2013 irrespective of the month of the year. For example, in mid-April last year my older daughter convinced me to go to the gym and do weight training with her. She\\u2019d been super disciplined for over a year, transforming her little frame into a stronger and more Amazonian one. I admired her discipline and focus. At that time we were on holidays together, and I was fully aware she\\u2019d been seducing my ego with comments like \\u201cyou\\u2019re strong mumma\\u201d or \\u201cyou\\u2019ll take to it really well as you already train\\u201d.<\\/p><p>I felt flattered despite both of us knowing how manipulative she was being. She kept dropping little hints about me getting a trainer and us weight training together on our return. She fed my ego spectacularly. I tentatively agreed to sign up to a gym. It took a little while to translate as another part of my ego \\u2013 the sabotaging part \\u2013 kicked in to prevent me going. My ego created stories of how busy I was, how I don\\u2019t like gyms, how I do enough already, how it\\u2019s expensive, and the best story of all was that I should start in 8 months\\u2019 time in the Christmas break.<\\/p><p>As a species we don\\u2019t like pain and certainly struggle with self-induced pain, which going to the gym to do strength training is. My ego knew that a commitment like that would require my mind to be strong enough to stay the distance, that time would need to be set aside, as would some finances. My sabotaging ego was busy creating stories to keep me\\u00a0out\\u00a0of the gym.<\\/p><p>It took me until the end of May to firm up my\\u00a0why.\\u00a0Quite simply, my\\u00a0why\\u00a0was that I wanted to become stronger, and sitting around making up more ego-based sabotaging stories was not going to help me achieve my goal. I set up the sessions and off I went. After 3 weeks I felt things were going really well. 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I\\u2019d lose my gains that I\\u2019d started to make and would need to start all over again in the months ahead. How would I become strong mumma without the sessions? I knew I would never do it by myself. I contacted my trainer and we set up in the park near my home. We\\u2019ve been doing this ever since.<\\/p><p>Does it get easier to go to my sessions? Not for me. My ego makes excuses nearly every session. It wants to sabotage me because it would rather do anything else than weight training. But I don\\u2019t let it. I show up because my\\u00a0why\\u00a0won\\u2019t be answered unless I go. 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We have evolved these incredible mammalian brains that can categorise, analyse, and differentiate between objects, situations and abstract ideas. We create incredible tools, machines that fly, and artificial intelligence to be applied in every realm of life. We need to admire our ability to create and make the unimaginable a new reality.<\\/p><p>Part of this highly evolved brain involves our ability to judge things and discriminate between options. This means holding onto some ideas as worthwhile, discerning whether opinions hold enough weight for us to take them seriously, determining whether certain substances or foods are good for our body or not. We make judgements about politician, bosses, or our work environment. We judge the weather as good or bad, the restaurant vibe, or the present we received for Christmas as suitable \\u2013 or not.<\\/p><p>If we put a microphone in our mind to really listen to our judgements, we would all hear that we make thousands of them every single day. We start the morning judging whether we slept well last night. We may have a shower and have judgements about whether we look good or not, whether we like how our clothes fit that day, and we may even judge our behaviour with food or exercise over the last little while.<\\/p><p>Our judgements come from the voice in our head. This voice is always there, always chiming in with some very important judgement of the moment. This is the ego. It\\u2019s always questioning and judging. Am I enjoying this moment? Am I unhappy with what my friend said to me last week? I am feeling so good! I don\\u2019t like the food in the fridge \\u2013 it\\u2019s boring. This was the best day of my life! The judgements are either good or bad, positive or negative.<\\/p><p>Our ego judges our friend\\u2019s choice to move away from the city, or their new partner as dull, or we judge whether we are earning enough money. We judge to make ourselves feel better or we judge to make ourselves feel worse. We can be especially judgemental of ourselves. I see this with my clients, and I call it the whip. I used to have a whip. I did the work to get away from that one.<\\/p><p>It\\u2019s the whip others would never believe you have, where you give yourself some lashings. So many people don\\u2019t even know that they are judging themselves harshly. Their whip has been operating for so long, without their awareness. I never even knew I had a choice to put the whip down. Once I knew I could it was a game changer. I\\u2019d literally catch myself being self-critical and visualise gently placing the whip down.<\\/p><p>The other form of judgement is reserved for others. We can judge others so swiftly without even knowing we don\\u2019t need to do this. We have no idea how judging others is actually a reflection of our own mind. These judgements hurt us more than they hurt anyone else. We can be critical of other\\u2019s ideas, values, behaviour, opinions, or work. We can be harsh on their body shape and size. We can negatively judge their parenting. We can be mean about their children.<\\/p><p>There is no end to the topics we can judge about others and how they live their lives. Why do we do this? We do this because our fragile ego wants a little ego boost. So we tear others down a notch \\u2013 in our own mind. We want to feel a bit better about our own lives, so we create a story about someone else\\u2019s inadequacies or failings in any particular area. This means we don\\u2019t need to be in contact with our own weakness or vulnerabilities. We project these onto someone else and pretend to ourselves we are momentarily superior. But deep down we know we\\u2019re not.<\\/p><p>Sometimes we take it even further where it\\u2019s not just judgement in our own mind. We join up with others and gossip. Deep down we feel when we\\u2019ve been too severe or disloyal or unkind, and we\\u2019d hate someone to speak about\\u00a0us\\u00a0like that. That\\u2019s what the ego does \\u2013 it likes to take others down, implying that we\\u2019re\\u00a0not\\u00a0like that. We\\u2019re ok and in the right place in our own lives.<\\/p><p>But why would our ego do this? It\\u2019s afraid. It\\u2019s trying to keep us and those around us in a neat box to feel safe. Gossiping (or being judgemental) attempts to shape our social or work sphere to keep ourselves and others in line. We \\u2013 the gossipers \\u2013 are momentarily in the \\u2018in crowd\\u2019, and someone else is on the outer.<\\/p><p>We all need to look at how our ego operates so that we don\\u2019t fall into the trap of taking it too seriously. 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